Archive for November, 2005

The Biotch is Back

Wednesday, November 30th, 2005

I’ve never been one to do well with roommates. I’m not sure why. I think, most likely, it is a difference in personalities. I learned throughout college to deal a bit better and actually play nice with my roommates instead of having a friend call up and leave voice mails that said “This is Satan” for them.

For eight days last week, I had a new roommate. She was shorter than most of my roommates and definitely had more of a temper. Unlike most of my previous roommate experiences, we knew each other beforehand. I thought I knew what I was getting into.

She was a very soft sleeper, so much in fact that The Hubs would whisper to me “Be …

This isn’t a post. Just a few little thoughts.

Wednesday, November 30th, 2005

Free internet? Waterfront property? Dude, sign me up.

Is it bad that while watching the finale of “The Biggest Loser” on NBC last night, that I went and ate a bunch of ice cream?

Is it even worse that I wanted to send in a picture of my pregnancy belly and say that I can’t figure out why I keep gaining weight?

America’s Funniest Home Videos (Yes it is still on and NO I don’t watch it) wanted people to send in tapes of pouring milk into a glass in an unusual way. All I could think of was some lactating woman squeezing her titties over a cup.

Someone called me today to ask about antidepressants. All I could think was “Is it that …

Give me some of your tots.

Tuesday, November 29th, 2005

There’s a family out there, you might have heard of them, they are called The Duggars. They’re the people with 16 kids and they have no plans of stopping any time soon.

I could sit here and argue about population control or the fact that the children just seem to be one of the herd, or how they may not get enough “one on one” time or “alone” time but heck, maybe they do.

I just can’t get over The Mom.

I have one kid. She is 16-months-old and likes to say “Don’t.” Sometimes she screams at naptime and she tends to throw the food she doesn’t want at dinner.

How the heck does the lady with 16 kids deal with the screaming? …

Second Verse Same as the First

Monday, November 28th, 2005

Since I’m a know-it-all and you really don’t get to know much during parenting and pregnancy, I like to chuckle at first time parents. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a first time parent myself, at least for awhile, but it is the whole First Pregnancy Thing that gets to me.

The belly, the creation of life! It is amazing!

Really it is. But, as I said, I’m a know-it-all, or at least I play one on the Internet.

My pregnancy with Miss E went something like this: I counted down the days and weeks and minutes of my pregnancy. I could tell you exactly what size fruit my child resembled that week. I could tell you if she had ears or toes or …

Gaydar

Friday, November 25th, 2005

I think I’ve mentioned before that I come from a long line of Very Conservative People. I’ll admit it, I used to be one of those people too, that is, before I grew up and got a brain and decided to make decisions for myself.

Now? I have opinions for everyone!

I had a friend once, a friend that had moved to North Carolina from New York City. She asked me what my family “background/heritiage” was. I’m like “I’m a mutt. One side is Cajun and the other side are just crazy breeders that have some Irish up in there somewhere.”

Hence the dark hair with the really light skin. I’m like Snow White without the fame or the Dwarfs.

Anyway, my family …

Turkeys

Wednesday, November 23rd, 2005

The flight brought to you by Continental.
The drinks brought to you by Coca-Cola.
The two in-flight poops brought to you by my child’s anus.

Thanksgivingish pictures are being uploaded at Flickr.

The Stakes are High and I Might Just Eat One

Monday, November 21st, 2005

It is becoming a bi-yearly installment on this site for me to talk about flying out-of-state with my child and just how much I’m dreading flying with her. I mean, blah blah blah, she screams and doesn’t sit still and people give us nasty looks and I mentally judge them and think how horrible people they are and how their Moms must have locked them in broom closets when they were younger.

So you get it. Flying with a kiddo sucks.

We are leaving for Tulsa tonight, as Tulsa is the only place we ever go. I am in the midst of my last-minute packing and cleaning and planning and “Just HOW cold is it going to be there and why …

A dedicatin’ we will go

Sunday, November 20th, 2005

I found out on Friday afternoon that we were supposed to attend a dinner at church for our child’s baby dedication. I signed up for the dedication about a month or so ago, via phone, during those precious few moments when my child is not causing me or anyone else bodily harm.

I knew something of the dinner but really, I didn’t think much of it. I thought of it as a “getting to know your fellow baby dedicatin’ parents before the real event.”

Um. No. Turns out that Friday was the actual baby dedication. I found it out Friday afternoon, after it was too late to invite anyone because ha! Food had been ordered and plates had been set and things …

Get a life

Friday, November 18th, 2005

I have watched “South Park” for quite some time. Now that I have a kid and stuff, I don’t watch it as often as I used to, most likely because I forget.

But what’s the deal with everyone making a big wahoo because they make fun of Tom Cruise?

Oh my gosh! We can’t make fun of Tom Cruise because he is “powerful” and he might get mad.

Well, Tom, when you jump around on TV like an idiot and blab your mouth off to any newsperson that will listen, I say you’re fair game.

I didn’t see the episode but I read the recap. I didn’t get what the big deal was. Sounds like normal South Park to me.

Another reason to use birth control.

Thursday, November 17th, 2005

A day in the life of a pregnant SAHM of a 16-month-old.

8:13 am: Awake to sounds of “mama” filled with babbling.
8:14 am: Drag overly alert child to living room, place in port-a-crib with bottle, turn on that Blasted Barney, and head back to bed.
8:40 am: She’s had enough of Caillou and screams. I enter living room. Put her on couch with me, and fall asleep.
9:15 am: I awake to the fact that she is trying to untangle the knots in my hair.
9:20 am: I awake again to find that she has now brought me her humidifier, which is oddly empty.
9:21 am: Find out that she has also brought me stuffed animals that went swimming in said humidifier.
9:22 am: Guess …

Less like pork, more like chicken

Wednesday, November 16th, 2005

While lying in bed last night, I looked over at The Hubs and said, somewhat out of the blue, “You better be nice to me or I’ll have this baby at home and have it on your side of the bed.”

Kind of like making him lie in the wet spot, if you catch my drift.

Somehow, the topic of home birthing moved onto placentas. I told him of a story I heard about a lady who gave birth at home and then found that her midwife placed her placenta in the freezer.

“Did they eat it?”

No, but I bet there was some surprise when they were looking to thaw something out for dinner.

We have a friend, The Pilot Who Poops, that …

Cuddle This, biotch.

Tuesday, November 15th, 2005

Dear Publishers of “Cuddles the Cow,”

As a parent that is interested in my child’s reading ventures, I have recently looked over a version of your book, “Cuddles the Cow.” In this book, I have learned that Cuddles has a calf that she likes to tickle and make laugh.

My problem with the book comes after the climax, when the children arrive at the farm via big yellow bus. I notice that all “the good children grow up big and strong” from drinking Cuddles’ milk.

My child can not drink cow milk, does that make her less than a good child? How would you like to have to explain to a 16-month-old that the Publishers of a foam-back book consider you a second …

Vagina Junction, What’s Your Function?

Tuesday, November 15th, 2005

…Taking in sperm and spitting out babies!

Hey everyone! It’s the latest installment of “What’s up with SJ’s crotch?” brought to you by the good people at United Healthcare.

Really, I didn’t plan on writing anymore but you know, I keep getting emails from people so I guess I shouldn’t leave you hanging, Internet.

Okay, so long story short. I have made calls to Customer Service, Customer Care, the HR department at The Hubs’ company and The Crab People. (Yes, I am aware that I have now referred to both South Park AND The Family Guy in this little post. Sue me.) I have also made calls to the birthing center as well.

Insurance company: Lies, lies, lies. False promises. We don’t know …

Rivers of Poo

Monday, November 14th, 2005

I swear, all we talk about in this house is poo. Okay, vaginas and poo. What can I say? We have a kid that likes to poop. She also likes to eat her poop and touch her poop, but uh, I guess that just means she is open to new textures.

Recently the poo catchphrase in our house is “watery diarrhea.” Diarrhea is one of those words that I constantly spell wrong but after having pretty much a month of diarrhea diapers, well, I’m a champ at spelling that word!

Watery diarrhea for everyone!

Anyway, the diarrhea. More often than not, it is full of undigested food. If watery greyish yellowish diarrhea isn’t enough, well, having it full of black beans and bits …

The Hanger Just Seems Too Over-the-Top

Sunday, November 13th, 2005

There’s this magical part of pregnancy, which happens around the 28th week or so, that one hears about but doesn’t think much of. I call it the Late to Bed, Late to Rise phenomena. It happened with Ellie, but I blew it off as a fluke.

You see, at this point in my pregnancy with Ellie, I had just been fired for this little website. So, instead of going to bed early and waking up early, I shifted my sleeping patterns and started staying up late. You know, it can be pretty hard to fall asleep when you just keep asking yourself over and over “What have I done?”

So, I was kind of surprised when my recent natural bedtime went …

Hero

Sunday, November 13th, 2005

Let’s all stop and thank Robyn for fixing my site. I will never, ever try to redesign again.

Turns out, the river is 500 miles away

Thursday, November 10th, 2005

Sometimes, I really with that I believed in “The Universe.” Such as “The Universe is using me as a giant portapotty.” or “The Universe wants to tie me to the train tracks and run over me.”

I went to the Birthing Center yesterday. It was nice. It was, you know, a birthing center. Good. While there, I decided “Yes I will have the baby here.”

And then, then, The Universe came into play.

This birthing center is literally 5 minutes away from my house. At times, it could be even closer than the hospital. But? It is not considered “in” my “network” for my insurance.

For those of you not sure of what I mean, it means that my insurance doesn’t play nice with …

The Pube Tube

Wednesday, November 9th, 2005

The first time I ever saw a naked woman’s body (my Mom’s doesn’t count) was in a Playboy magazine in a field behind a friend’s house. I was in the second grade and we found a picture of a woman doing things that people probably shouldn’t be doing in fields. The funny thing is, there were two boys from my class, Kevin and Jason, who were also in the field when we found the magazine.

We got into a fight over whose magazine it was. Yes, I got into an argument in the second grade over porn. My Mother would be so proud.

I’ve always been pretty warped when it comes to body image. Not in the whole “I’m fat when …

At least I’m not pooping on your head

Tuesday, November 8th, 2005

When I was in the fourth grade, I accidentally starved my bird, Pretty Boy, to death. (Hi, PETA!) Before I explain myself, may I ask why anyone let me name a freaking bird “Pretty Boy?”

So, I had this cat. I don’t remember the cat’s name. And I had a bird. Turns out, cats like birds. So my cat knocked over my bird’s cage and all the food and water spilled out. Here is where I was a horrible, not to mention filthy, child: I did not clean up the mess. I left it, just like it was, on my floor.

Poor little Pretty Boy went to the big bird cage in the sky.

When I was in the seventh grade, a bird …

In A Van Down By The River

Monday, November 7th, 2005

When I was a little girl, I was a Good Little Girl. I went to Catholic Church and got my First Communion and brought cookies to old people in nursing homes.

Then, I grew a bit older and decided not to be Catholic anymore and switch to Baptist. Yes, I’m such a troublemaker. I don’t know how the world lives with me.

Then, yesterday, I expressed my displeasure in church. Turns out that voting for something such as gay marriage is not a political issue, but a moral issue. I guess I got confused as this is America and we have this thing called Separation of Church and State. In my feeble little mind, I thought that meant that there are …

WWW.StopOprah.Com

Sunday, November 6th, 2005

I have a confession to make, Internet. I have a love/hate relationship with Oprah. On some days, I think “I’m glad I watched today’s show.” Then there are other days, days full of eye-rolling and shouting at the television while I yell “Are you for real?”

Yes, Internet. She is for real.

So, it came as a surprise that I accidentally came across something of Oprah’s. It is a notebook, encrusted in gold, diamonds and rubies that has all of her upcoming show ideas in it.

Not wanting to leave you out, I’ll fill you in on a couple of my favorites:

1. Watch me count my money!
2. My newest house and why it is better than yours.
3. Why I think my dog’s poop …

It’s a birthday, baby.

Thursday, November 3rd, 2005

My birthday is coming up this month. My twenty-sixth, to be exact. I like birthdays; I enjoy cake, going out to eat and the knowledge that something “different” will hopefully happen that day.

The Hubs sent me an email today saying that his original plan for my birthday had fallen through. He had planned on getting me tickets to see Wicked while it was in town. I was impressed because it was something I had mentioned wanting to do, but didn’t think he was paying attention. Unfortunately for both of us, tickets are very hard to come by. No Wicked for me.

I’ve been thinking about this subject a lot recently, with Christmas coming up and the inevitable “what do you want” …

Parental Gluttony

Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005

The problem with having Halloween on one day and then moving apartments the next is that it is hard to get your thoughts, pictures and well, self together in order to tell a story.

Thoughts? Not together. House? Not together. Pictures? Somewhere in a box. But, the show must go on.

Things were going well on Monday until The Rainstorm From Hell came in, just in time for Trick or Treating. Several people called me (and by several, I mean my Mom and The Hubs) and asked if we were still going Trick or Treating.

Me: “I don’t care if there is a hailstorm and five feet of water. We will canoe down the street for candy.”

In case you didn’t know, my big …


My Flickr photos.