Archive for October, 2005

Make Room for Baby

Sunday, October 30th, 2005

When I thought about having a baby, the things that I “worried” about were not things that actually matter in the long term. Sure, you have to change diapers and yeah sometimes the baby wakes up at night, but really, that’s not the big deal.

No, what is the big deal is how your entire life changes.

Did you know that some people go out to eat and it is an enjoyable experience? Did you know you could go out to eat, sit at a table, order food and go “Hmm, this is good food.” Perhaps you order dessert and coffee.

Then you have kids. Going out to eat is no longer fun. In fact, it is what I’d like to …

Rat people on the Titanic?

Thursday, October 27th, 2005

I heard an advertisement for the new “Titanic” DVD. From what I understand, it is a special edition, which means that besides the 2,000 hours of movie you have to watch, you also have 4,567 hours of “extra footage.” Part of the “extra footage” includes an alternate ending.

What could they do? Does the boat not sink in the other version?

In other news, I laugh at PETA.

Friends and Lovers

Wednesday, October 26th, 2005

From what I understand, there are people out there that get easily embarrassed. You know, they have a stain on their shirt and it’s like “Oh no! What will people think?” I could care less about having a stain like that. Falling in public? Done it. Saying totally inappropriate things in front of the “wrong” people? Been there, lived to tell it.

There is one type of situation that leaves me feeling a little embarrassed. I guess I should say part embarrassed, part humble.

When I was ten years old, my family had just moved to White People Land. It was a hard time in my life: We didn’t have hardly any money, my parents had just divorced and both remarried and …

My Normandy

Tuesday, October 25th, 2005

If I knew more about the actual fighting part of World War Two, I could make better analogies. Instead, I will just tell you that I am fighting a battle on two fronts. For the sake of humor, I get to be Germany.

Miss E will play the part of both the Allies and the Russians.

So, there were those Germans. They were all proud of themselves like “Hey! We’re Germany! Look at us, kicking butt!” Much like yours truly. “Hey! I’m Mommy! Look at me! Naptime? Totally going great! I kick butt!”

But then, you know, I got cocky. The Allies and the Russians heard and came to give me a whoopin.

On one front, we have The Allies, which are …

Thread Hanging

Monday, October 24th, 2005

I am tired. I find myself saying “I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t do this.” The only problem is, when you are a parent, the words fall on deaf ears. Nobody can help you and you can’t really do anything that shows the desperation (not depression) you feel.

Maybe I should run away.

How can something you love so much make you so tired?

I think “I can not wake up tomorrow and do this again. I don’t see how I can do it.”

I secretly hope he’ll stay home from work.

And then, I wake up, after a night of little sleep because she wakes up. I will make the eggs while in my pajamas. And, I will go on, …


Sunday, October 23rd, 2005

For the longest time in my life, I was blessed to have my very own bathroom. You know, my own room where I could “do my buisness” and leave clothes all over the floor without worrying about someone splashing water on them.

Then I went to college and learned the horrors of the community bathrooms. That’s an entirely different story but let’s just say I trained myself to go #2 at 4am when everyone else was sleeping.

So, last night, I’m laying in bed when I feel a pain in my belly. I’m sitting there thinking that it is either cramping or gas. I’m the type of person, however, that does not do well with any type of belly pain …

For a friend

Saturday, October 22nd, 2005

Not long after waking up this morning, my bad mood returned. I’ve been dealing with some personal issues for awhile, personal issues that, in my mind are petty, stupid and just downright annoying.

I’ve been trying to think of reasons as to why these things don’t matter and how even though I am annoyed, it really is no big deal in the Grand Scheme.

Then I got a phone call.

I’m sure many of you that read this site recognize/read/know The Debutaunt. She’s a fellow blogger, lives here in Houston. I got a call saying she was at the hospital.

I just talked to her and found out she has leukemia. She is a single mom to a five-year-old daughter. She will be …

Medical Miracle

Thursday, October 20th, 2005

I have The Sniffles, my child has The Squirts and my husband has a case of the “Why won’t my child ever sleep anymores?”

Look! I’m a medical professional. That’ll be a $10 copay.

Actually, I’m not, but I am the daughter of one. When you are the daughter of someone who has spent her life diagnosing “owies,” well, you get to be pretty good at diagnosing them on your own. I also have a tendency to end up with all types of weird illnesses (and, at times, injuries) so I feel pretty competent at diagnosing.

Save yourself the time from going to the ER and ask me if you broke your leg.

Since my Mom is in the medical profession, I usually …


Wednesday, October 19th, 2005

With the exception of MTV’s “Real World,” I think the “Reality Craze” started coming along when I was in college. I didn’t watch any of the shows at the time because “Why would I watch reality TV? Boring.” It didn’t matter, however, because I would hear my professors talking about “Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?”

Once I realized that Reality TV is way cool, I totally went out and found myself a millionaire. That’s right, The Hubs and I met on a TV show. None of you have seen it, though, because they only ended up showing it in Uganda.

After we returned from our honeymoon, I decided to catch up. I’m all up on the reality shows now. Well, not …

Mozart in the Making

Tuesday, October 18th, 2005

My child has a pretty decent taste in music, if I do say so myself. Sure, she likes to dance to the beat of any commercial we hear, but she knows a good tune when she hears one. Por ejemplo: I’ve turned around in the car multiple times to see her bobbing her head up and down to Weezer.

Since she seems somewhat musicially inclined, I think that I should start a band to reach her. In my band, I’m going to make songs to teach children all the important things in life.

A few ideas I have floating around:

Diarrhea is not for touching.
We call it naptime, not craptime.
Please do not tug on daddy’s weiner. (For the bath)
Mommy’s nipples aren’t that …

Money CAN Buy You Love, It Turns Out.

Monday, October 17th, 2005

We owned a house when we lived in North Carolina. It had three bedrooms, which meant that we had room for a “nursery” and an office/guest bedroom. I had the best attempts at keeping my child’s decor “gender neutral” so that she wouldn’t feel the need to grow up and become a girly girl. Ha. She’s as girly as they come.

Anyway, we moved to Texas when I was 35 weeks pregnant and it was bye bye nursery, hello ghetto apartment. Ellie’s room became the storage closet and we kept her crib in our room. Once we moved to White People Land, Miss E got her very own room, complete with green walls.

Now that we’re going to have “Two Under Two,” …

Happy Endings?

Sunday, October 16th, 2005

When it comes to parenthood, there are good days and bad days. Good days include the times when your child takes five hour naps and Oprah actually has something on that doesn’t involve celebrities. Bad days include a child that refuses to nap, temper tantrums and finding that all the cheese in the fridge, in fact, has gone moldy.

It seems, for the most part, that I’ve been having more bad days than good ones. So bad, that I’ve had troubles dealing with “normal” people saying “normal” things to me.

Hippy: “Save the whales!”
Me: “Screw the whales and SCREW YOU TOO for telling me what I need to save and not save.”

Husband: “Where the heck are all the baby’s bottles?”
Me: “I …

Phallus Malice

Wednesday, October 12th, 2005

I come from a long line of vaginas, which is kind of funny, considering I was born by c-section. If you ever go to a family reunion of mine, which you won’t because we aren’t the type of people that want to reunite, all the women that are related have different last names.

Basically, our hypothetical family reunions are not sausage fests.

So, it came as quite a surprise to some that Little Jizzy would, in fact, live up to his name. Everyone on my side expected a girl, even though everyone on The Hubs’ side wanted a boy. (And by everyone, I’m just saying that because it sounds better to make generalizations on here.)

After we saw the ultrasound of Little …

Might as well put it on speed dial

Tuesday, October 11th, 2005

For anyone playing along at home, it took exactly 1 year, 2 months, 4 weeks and 1 day for me to have to make my first call to Poison Control for my daughter.

You see, The Hubs has this “grand” idea that I should let Miss E see me sitting on the potty so that she is aware that one sits on the potty to do their business. (For any of you wondering, I only let her see me go #1. Nobody watches me poop.)

He keeps saying “If you don’t let her see you on the potty, she won’t learn!” Therefore, not wanting to be the one inhibiting her learning, I let her watch.

She was busy in the living room, playing …

What’s that smell?

Monday, October 10th, 2005

It seems as if every “celebrity” out there has a fragrance. You see, they have a fragrance instead of a perfume because it sounds just so much more sophisticated.

I have a feeling that Britney Spears’ perfume, Curious, smells like sweaty crotch and Cheetos.

Sarah Jessica Parker’s new one, Lovely? Shoes and cigarette smoke.

I just read that Ashanti is launching a perfume, Precious Jewel, at the most ritsy of shops: Wal-Mart. I don’t know too much about her, so you’ll have to come up with the smell for that on your own.

Glow, by “J-Lo?” smells like burnt flesh (thanks to the plastic surgery) and spray-on tans.

Although I am no celebrity, if I had to give myself a fragrance, because I’m also too …

Get Your DINK On

Sunday, October 9th, 2005

It’s not that it scared me to walk into the living room in my underwear, only to find a construction worker standing on my balcony while I had the blinds open. Sure, the blood from said construction workers on my stairwell is disgusting. And, no, I don’t like having to park my car farther away so that they don’t throw siding on it.

It was the noise. After several days of siding replacement related noise and a no-nap baby, I had hit my limit. My nerves were shot. It seemed like someone was trying to land an airplane on my roof while they went and built the apartment up around us.

Luckily, I called in the reinforcements: Grandma and Grandpa. They were …

Fun for all ages

Friday, October 7th, 2005

Coming soon, to a theatre near you. Shining!

You can’t make this stuff up

Thursday, October 6th, 2005

Today I caught myself thinking that I should enter The Publisher’s Clearinghouse you know, so I could win a million dollars on Thanksgiving. Forget the fact that we won’t be here on Thanksgiving so they’d be knocking on an empty door, forget the fact that we don’t order things through them, I want that money!

Since I now have No Life, I like to watch America’s Most Wanted on FOX. Sure, the re-enactments are okay, but I am watching to catch a crook.

I figure, out of all the weirdos that have come in and out of my life, at least one of them has to be on America’s Most Wanted! Even better! What if he/she is and there’s a reward? …


Wednesday, October 5th, 2005

I think this is the first time I have heard something I wrote spoken. Click here to hear the Boobiethon ad that will go out on Podcast and Sirius radio.


Tuesday, October 4th, 2005

I’ve made the comment recently that if I knew how Miss E would act once she turned one, I might have waited awhile to get pregnant.

The terrible twos? Yeah I’ve heard of them. But man, we have the Evil Ones.

For the most part, I can deal with The Evil Ones when we are at home. Sure, she climbs on things and may pitch a fit when I put her on the ground. Sure, she may try to swat and headbutt. But? We’re in the privacy of our home.

But get the child out in public? The Child refuses to get held. No, she has to walk. And by walk, please know that I mean run wherever she wants, whenever …

Why yes, I think there IS a baby in there.

Tuesday, October 4th, 2005

Behold, The Belly at 22 weeks. I’ve had about 200 ultrasounds for various reasons and we’ve checked 210 times to make sure there are not twins in there. Nope, that’s just me and all that coconut cake I keep on eating. But! There is a monkey, so that should make diaper changes just a little more interesting.


Monday, October 3rd, 2005

I have a recurring dream where I’m in college and I find out I have to take a final. The only problem is, I haven’t been to any of the lectures and sometimes, during my dream, I didn’t know I was in that class until the final.

I feel a sense of panic knowing that I will have to take a test on something I know nothing about. Eventually, I wake up, as one has to do from dreams, and realize that I’m not in college. Whew.

I don’t know if I ever considered myself a “good” student. I wasn’t a bad student; I did okay in high school and even better in college. One semester, I had a 4.0 GPA …

Cats and Dogs

Sunday, October 2nd, 2005

I don’t think anyone ever sat me down and said “Hello Little SJ. Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina.” I knew, when I was little, that boys had that weird thing between their legs when we changed their diapers.

Someone should have told me that it goes far beyond penises and vaginas.

First things first. Last Sunday, The Hubs committed two Faux Paus within minutes of each other. He arrived home from the grocery store with my donuts in hand (one white with sprinkles, the other a glazed twist) and asked me if I had taken a shower.

I was standing there, my clean hair freshly blow-dried and styled. I was also wearing makeup. (His defense was that …

Ask a dumb question…

Sunday, October 2nd, 2005

Him: “That girl from American Idol says she is illiterate.

Me: “Where did you hear that?”

Him: “She wrote it in her book.”

My Flickr photos.