Archive for September, 2005

Mammary Madness!

Friday, September 30th, 2005

Hey everyone! It is that time of year! Time for the Boobiethon! In case you didn’t know, (which you wouldn’t since I didn’t tell you) I am the Press Coordinator for the ‘thon this year. We made it into Wired Magazine!

Anyway, you should think about submitting and or donating to the ‘thon. As someone who had her very own breast cancer scare this year… funding for boobie cancer is IMPORTANT.

Now I just have to figure out how I want to photograph “the girls.”

Thanks a lot, TLC

Wednesday, September 28th, 2005

I’ve never considered myself that “fashionable.” Sure, I cared about clothes and things like that in high school. I liked to shop at the GAP and buy new outfits (on sale,of course.) Then I met The Hubs.

Let’s just say I decided to play “I only wear clothes from a thrift store.” I stopped wearing makeup and cut all my hair off, something I would never have done before I met him. It is not his fault that I decided to play The Yucky Card; in fact, he made me a lot more comfortable with who I am.

Once I started staying at home, I got caught up in those “makeover” shows. You know, “What Not To Wear” and “10 Years Younger.”

I’m …

Truth? You can’t handle the truth.

Tuesday, September 27th, 2005

“And then, I told her exactly how big it really was.”

Trapped

Tuesday, September 27th, 2005

I just got off the phone with a blogging friend that is having some troubles. One thing you probably know about me is that I’m hardly at a loss for words. I am SJ. The Sarcastic Journalist. That “girl who got fired for her blog.” The blankity blank, fill in the blank blah blah. The Mom, The Daughter, The Wife With A Mouth on Her.

I was talking to this friend and I couldn’t get the words out. All I wanted to say is “I know. I know how you feel. I need help, too.”

On Sunday night, I broke down crying. I laid on the couch with The Hubs, crying about everything that bothers me. He asked me what he could …

Chapter Eight: When in Doubt, Have More Babies

Monday, September 26th, 2005

When I was in high school, many of my teachers would pass out “getting to know you” cards. One teacher, I shall refer to him as “The Ostrich” because, dude, that’s totally what he looked like, handed out this card.

It was my senior year of high school. At my school, it was common knowledge that this teacher, the Honors Economics teacher, was hard. So hard, in fact, that all the honors kids went down to “level” and all the AP kids went down to “honors.”

Since I had this whole “I will not go down to level for anything” mentality, I continued on in the honors class, even though my peers were the type of people that went to Harvard and …

Paging Flipper

Sunday, September 25th, 2005

Dolphins packing heat. I love it.

Journalists Gone Wild

Sunday, September 25th, 2005

I remember, after September 11 (2001, in case you were thinking I spoke of Sept. 11. 2000 or 2002) that all the news organizations were on “high alert.” If there was a fire downtown? You bet your bottom dollar that the “Talking Heads” would be there, asking the important questions.

“Did you see anyone that might be a Muslim?”
“Well, do you think that this is something a terrorist might do?”
“Okay, fine. Did you see anyone that looked somewhat suspicious…you know, carrying knives or something?”

I’ve never been that fond of TV news, even though once I happened to be in the right place in the right time and got interviewed for a story. Me! Interviewed! On the news! Ha! I said things! …

Care for a lovah?

Saturday, September 24th, 2005

If Rita were a lover, I’d hastily flop over in bed, fumble for a cigarette and ask “is that it?” When she said “yes,” I’d quickly try to cover my tracks, insisting that “I’m not saying it was bad, I just thought it would be…different.”

When Rita went to shower, I’d quickly grab my phone and call all of my friends, laughing at the idiocy of all of the mess.*

The hurricane has come and gone and White People Land was left pretty much unscathed. I think all those magical white people fairies we have kept us safe and with power.

I do not know anything about my family’s houses and assume I will not hear anything for a few days. I might …

3…2…1…0

Friday, September 23rd, 2005

The apartment is packed, though it felt very weird to leave. The truck is moved to a somewhat safer place. I obviously have my computer with me.

I will be trying to update to my Flickr account via my cameraphone. Also, if I’m without electricity for awhile, I will contact Curly Girl via phone. Check in with her for updates.

Also, I was interviewed by ABC Perth (Australia) tonight about the hurricane. I’m very sorry that everyone had to listen to my horrible “not made for radio” voice!

Logic

Friday, September 23rd, 2005

I guess it isn’t too much to say that most 14-month-olds are crazy. I mean, hello, my kid poops her pants, likes to stick her face in smelly shoes and eat paper.

She has gotten much better about waking up in the night since we removed milk from her diet. She woke up at about 6:30am and as you may know, waking up during “Morning Dark” is a Big NoNo in the SJ household. I brought her to bed with us, hoping she’d go to sleep but figuring that was it, we were in for a long day of 24-hour news.

She drank her bottle, only occassionally molesting my skin with its coldness. I let her take all the middle of …

Crazy

Thursday, September 22nd, 2005

This is three blocks away from my house. The highway has all traffic going north. It is a parking lot.

I stopped by the gas station and saw this (bad picture.)

There is no gas. All those people? They’ve run out of gas and are now camping out on the roads. I met a family, a cute older Hispanic family, that left at 2:45 this morning and drove 48 miles, only to run out of gas.

Alone

Thursday, September 22nd, 2005

It is funny that I was getting on here to write about the “fear” of the “unknown” when it comes to this hurricane business, about how alone and “out of sorts” I feel, how I would get 4 “thinking of you” emails. We haven’t had “regular” TV shows in awhile here; it has been all doom and gloom. The news constantly reminds us of how, in the entire Houston area (the 4th largest city, I remind you) as of 7pm, there were 5 places that had some form of gas left.

In the midst of the constant TV news updates and trying to prepare for who knows what while still keeping some semblance of a life together, it is hard not …

Bitter Sweet

Thursday, September 22nd, 2005

The bag is packed. The diaper bag is ready to go. We have bottles in the fridge. We are no longer leaving. After much discussion and a trip out to see just how we could get to the airport, we realized things were no longer good. In fact, they’re bad.

I know it is hard for people outside of this place to understand. If I were you, I’d feel the same way. They are not allowing people to head south on the service/feeder/frontage roads. You are not allowed south on the highway. All the other roads that remotely lead to anywhere else? Jammed.

The Hubs said people were parking on the highways, leaving cars on bridges, and walking. To where, I wonder. …

Fine Already

Thursday, September 22nd, 2005

Captain Meanie (aka The Hubs) is pulling rank. I have a plane ticket for 9pm tonight with Ellie. I’m not happy, in fact, I’ve spent all day long crying. I do not want to go. I want to stay with him. Everyone I know IRL is staying. I feel like a stupid wuss for going.

Considering that our flight is at 9pm (Ellie bed time and she ONLY sleeps in a crib) the flights are all delayed because people are not showing up to work and that I will have to HOLD A 14-MONTH-OLD in MY LAP, this SUCKS.

My fingernail still hurts as it is MISSING.

So everyone can be happy now. Thank you for all your nice emails. I …

“Why I’m Like This”

Wednesday, September 21st, 2005

Here is what every conversation I’ve had today went like: “What are you doing about the hurricane?”

Answer one: “LEAVING WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!”
Answer two: “I bought a bottle of water. We’re staying.”

The deal is this: We have NOWHERE to go. Our closest family is in Tulsa. I know it seems like an easy task to drive there, but a nice little 8 hour drive could EASILY turn into 20 hours of hell. There are no hotel rooms. There is nothing. The traffic? What should take one hour (Galveston to Houston) is now five. I’ve seen the highway and it is SCARY.

To make matters worse, I broke a fainger nail. On the nail bed. Yes, I’m missing half a finger …

Hurricane Party Every Time It Blows

Tuesday, September 20th, 2005

I’ve been trying to think of a witty way to start discussing this hurricane aiming at the Texas coast, but really, I’m so sick of hearing about hurricanes that all I can think is “blah blah blah.”

I found out yesterday that some of my relatives that live in costal cities were getting ready to leave town for hotels. We, being the people that we are, said “okay that’s nice call us when you get there.” We went on our merry way, not too concerned about the weather. But, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that hey! We could be without power!

I’m not worried about flooding or anything like that since we live about 70 …

The Girl With One Shoe

Tuesday, September 20th, 2005

Everyone that has ever met Ellie mentions how much of a “chill” baby she is. She is good in restaurants, well, as good as a 14-month-old can be, smiles at strangers and enjoys playing with the other babies in what I call “Baby Church.”

When I used to write her monthly letters, I always commented on how her personality was starting to emerge. It is true; their personalities emerge a little bit each month. But now? Girlfriend has enough personality for all of you reading this little site.

I don’t think that anyone who knows me in real life would describe me as “girly.” In fact, I’m pretty darn casual. That is why I am so shocked to have a “girly girl.” …

J to the Hizzo

Monday, September 19th, 2005

So today, after breakfast and lunches, we went to the doctor for the first of approx. 1, 487 ultrasounds. This ultrasound is what one might call the “Important” one because um, it had something to do with gender.

Basically, after driving for a long time, we reach the doctor’s office, Miss E in tow. Even though I wasn’t just dying to know this time as I was with the last, I was curious. It was one of those moments that you know will change things. Like, once I know the answer to the question “What is it?” there will be no more guessing.

I do not have the ultrasound pictures scanned yet, so you’ll just have to trust me when I …

The Reality of the Myth

Sunday, September 18th, 2005

I have what one could call “The Grass is Always Greener” complex. When I worked at the paper, I used to sit around, secretly planning on how wonderful my life would be when I got to be a stay at home mom. I’d make myself a nice big breakfast every morning while my child lounged in her bouncy seat, listening to the music from the Ancient Mayans on the CD player.

Then I had a baby and I got to stay home with her.

First things first: I do not make breakfast. I like to go out to eat for breakfast but since uh, that costs money, my morning ritual starts with a bowl of Fruit Loops. Second. My child hated the …

Tidbits

Saturday, September 17th, 2005

I’m assuming the “fraud” must have something to do with the size of his weiner. I mean, hello. Couldn’t she have at least Googled him?

Are we really surprised to see this? That’s like saying they were shocked to learn she doesn’t eat.

How to depress yourself.

When you get bored, make carrot cake. Even if you hate carrot cake, because, you know, it looks purdy.

There is Evil and his name is Nic Cage

Thursday, September 15th, 2005

There are times when my husband and I don’t see eye to eye on things. One of these issues is (are?) movies: He likes to watch them all the time, I’m a TV girl myself.

Both The Hubs and his sister love to watch movies. He’s always wanting to put one on to watch, while I whine and mumble about how I don’t want to sit through a two hour movie fest.

I think my real problem is that I can’t commit. I don’t want to invest all that time when I could be channel surfing! Hello! We can’t miss out on the possibility that Britney Spears will air a TV show where we get up close and personal with her …

The Second Time Around

Wednesday, September 14th, 2005

Every once in awhile, The Hubs will ask me “What size fruit is Little Jizzy this week?” You see, during my first pregnancy, I proudly announced to anyone and everyone that The Parasite (aka Ellie) was “the size of a grape!” or “a banana!”

Now? I have no idea.

I am assuming it is the size of a 19 week old fetus.

During the first pregnancy, I had plenty of time to obsess over every little minute detail when it came to baby making. This was being formed this week, this was what would happen next time. At exactly 26 weeks, 3 days and 5 minutes, my child would learn to roll around and give people the finger.

Little Jizzy gets his …

Say It Ain’t So

Tuesday, September 13th, 2005

I used to be one of “those kids.” When I was 14, I had a penchant for acting a fool in public, doing stupid things such as seeing a movie multiple times only to announce important plot points (loudly) for everyone to hear before they happened.

I really outgrew that point of my immaturity by the time I learned to drive, instead opting to decorate people’s trees with tampons along with a friend. I also spent a good amount of my time harrassing people in fast food drive-thrus.

One of my high school friends called a few months ago and told me about a video she watched with a mutal friend. It was the summer after my senior year of high …

A Girl Has Gotta Eat

Monday, September 12th, 2005

I think there is a rule that once a woman becomes “with child,” someone gives her a copy of “What To Expect When You’re Expecting.” Really, this book should be known as “How to feel like a horrible mom even before the kid is born” because that’s what the book is about.

A friend of mine loaned me her copy and I poured over it like a preteen boy and Playboy. I read all about the “pregnancy diet” and how IMPORTANT it is to eat Only Good Food.

You don’t think your kid is going to get into Harvard with you only eating Twinkees, do you?

So, I came up with a plan on how I’d follow that diet. I introduced things …

Whatever Tickles Your Pickle

Sunday, September 11th, 2005

When it comes to my child, I’m somewhat lax on her. We’re often seen in public, me pushing Ellie in a stroller while she holds something that is definitely not a toy in her hand. Most recently, we have taken to giving her a pair of aviator sunglasses and the blue strap from her shopping cart cover. (Note: Even though we do not want our child to get grocery store cooties, we do not make her wear a helmet like the child in that picture.)

A lady recently looked at me and motioned to the blue strap.

“She loves it,” I said. “It makes her happy and she’s not screaming. Therefore, we shall bring that strap with us EVERYWHERE.”

Pretty much anything …

Quick Update

Friday, September 9th, 2005

…Going out of town, but didn’t want to leave yous guys hanging…

1. Mom= they think she is okay, though they are sending her to get a CT Scan next week to make sure.

2. Volunteer= turns out that um, there’s a virus going around in the shelters so big pregnant lady couldn’t go in. I ended up answering phones, which, oddly enough, I enjoyed. If you called a certain church shelter in Houston today, I might have talked to you. If the person kept answering the phone and mispronouncing the name of the church, said “allrighty then” one too many times, it was me!

Also, wanted to let people know this: I see that many out of state people want to send …

Yeah, I know.

Thursday, September 8th, 2005

After a dinner of fries/onion rings and hamburgers, we sat at the table with Our Friend The Pilot and some of his friends. He took a bite of the cookie cake we bought for his birthday and announced that it “was moist.”

Moist. Haha.

Most is just one of those words that have been ruined for me, thanks to living with He Who Turns Every Word Into Something Dirty.

I have heard someone refer to a building being erected and I almost lost it right there. Erect? Well, I hope it was a skyscraper.

Box is one of those words that I can sometimes use. Box. Haha. You want me to put what in your box? What if you drop the box in …

Crisis Mode

Thursday, September 8th, 2005

When I was 14, I went to North Carolina to visit a friend of mine. I was there with two other girls and lets just say we didn’t get along too well. Four teenage girls in a different state: Bad News.

Anyway, this one girl, we shall call her “Carmen,” somehow managed to dump a box of toothpicks on the floor and then step in it. Barefoot. Guess what happened? She got a toothpick stuck in her foot!

Her foot started to bleed and everyone else freaked out. I calmly walked over to her, yelled at her to “shut up,” grabbed her foot and pulled the toothpick out.

I’m notorious for not answering my phone when it rings. I usually just let voice …

Sent in an email, but good anyway.

Wednesday, September 7th, 2005

Unpublished Childrens Books:

1. You Are Different and That’s Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad’s New Wife Robert
4. Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do Book
6. The Kid’s Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mummy Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That’s it, I’m Putting You up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy …

I’m voting for the one without the vagina

Wednesday, September 7th, 2005

Thought of the Day:

If your child is acting like The Spawn of Satan, how do you decide which parent is, in fact, the devil?

Would you like to touch my Feathersword?

Tuesday, September 6th, 2005

In case you didn’t know, The Wiggles are banned from this house. You see, I interviewed one of them once, I really can’t tell you which one as they all look alike, and well, he had NO SENSE OF HUMOR.

Okay, they don’t all look alike. I know there’s an “Asian” one and he wears purple and has a sleeping problem. See? The Wiggles are teaching children that anyone who is not white has issues! Asian men don’t make lots of money! That’s the old stereotype! All they do now is sleep!

So…no Wiggles. Actually, I find their songs very annoying, therefore I avoid them like Michael Jackson does anyone of legal age.

I will admit that I’ve let myself slide as I …

Must be a baby in there

Sunday, September 4th, 2005

As requested a few times, here’s a picture of the Week 18 belly. Again, “belly pic ahead.” I like this picture because it shows the chaos of Ellie’s room.

Help Less

Thursday, September 1st, 2005

Update: I am planning on calling the local shelter closest to my house and heading over there today, tomorrow or the soonest they need me. I plan on bringing along a list of people who are willing to offer up their houses for temporary residence. If you know of anyone, please email me at SJ (at) shenuts (there’s a dot here) com

After changing a flat tire in the nice Houston heat, I thought to myself “damn, I’m hot.” Not hot in that way, but hot as in “Woah. Get me some AC.” Then I reminded myself of other people who um, have been sitting outside in the heat for awhile now.

I wanted to do something, I told my Mom. Yeah, …


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