Archive for July, 2005

The Truth About Cats and Dogs

Saturday, July 30th, 2005

There’s a very large difference between men and women and no, I’m not talking about the whole penis versus vagina issue. I mean, hello, is that even an issue? Everyone knows about Power To The Vaginas. Men are just jealous.

Anyway, I’m talking about the ability to turn something very small into something very large. (Ha, that sounds dirty, too. I’m bad. Please spank me.)

So, when I was little I was SURE I had leukemia. Besides the fact that I liked to take naps, was pale (Hello, I’m a white girl in the truest form) and had a few bruises, well, there wasn’t much to back my idea up. But? I was sure of it. I think I casually mentioned it …

U R Not Alone

Friday, July 29th, 2005

If there’s anything about me that I could get The Hubs to vouch on, it is that I’m not too big on certain types of attention. It is one thing if I stand up in front of a group and am choosing to act funny, another when the attention comes from somewhere totally different.

Thank you to everyone who has sent emails. I was driving back from the playgroup today and had Mama Rosa on the phone and I mentioned how I’ve been gone all day so haven’t had a chance to post.

I’m assuming most of you think I’ve hung myself with the phone cord or something.

I haven’t. Do not plan on doing so, though it seemed to me that …

Truth

Thursday, July 28th, 2005

I’m not completely honest with you, Internet. I’m not completely honest with anyone, including myself. I find this odd, because I’m really big on honesty.

Before I continue on, I will be writing this in stages and hitting “publish” because I do not know how long it will take me to write this and I do not want to chicken out.

If you ask me how I am, I will most always answer “fine.” I’m fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. My therapist? My doctor? FINE. Let me do a dance to show you how fine I am.

All the while, I’m thinking to myself that I want to hurt myself, hurt myself badly so you’d see how much I am hurting. I guess …

Fuh-saaad

Wednesday, July 27th, 2005

I know that some bloggers take a long time thinking about their “online personality.” I can’t exactly say I put a lot of thought into this site when I started it. Really, I was like “Hmm, I should do one of those blog thingies! Wouldn’t that be FUN?”

I’m pretty sure that the first “blog” I ever read was Tampa Tantrum. It went out of commission shortly after my reading it, due to some um, negativity. Eventually, Robyn became one of my online friends. Kind of weird, since I was like “This chick is the coolest!”

Small world. I remember thinking that I could only hope that people would read my site like they did her’s, even though I didn’t want the …

A Million Thanks

Wednesday, July 27th, 2005

I want to send the BIGGEST THANK YOU to Stace at Non Prom Queen. She is awesome and so helpful and friendly, not to mention HOTT.

Go and check out My old friend, Curly Girl. I designed the header, Stace installed (and upgraded!) the rest.

Thank you, Stace!

HELP

Wednesday, July 27th, 2005

I need help fixing a friend’s blog. It is on my domain and um, I messed it up. Anyone familiar with WP?

Okay, I need help updating from the older WP to the Newer one. ANyone? Anyone?

I can’t offer much but uh, linkage and my undying gratitude. You know, because I kind of really messed it up. And now she can’t use it. And I don’t think that is very friendly.

The Rock is the Hard Place

Wednesday, July 27th, 2005

As I was sitting in the “waiting area” of my therapist’s office today, I decided I wanted to write about watching the other people who are there before or after me and how I secretly think “Crazy!”

Ha!

Without going into too much detail regarding my therapist, I realized that our convo today left her a little less than happy with me. You see, I think that if you aren’t in this “Stay at home” (hell, even work at home) position, it is kind of hard to understand.

I think that Moms (and some dads too) in general understand but I’m going to focus on SAHM, mkay?

They say you are “bored” and that your life revolves around routine. It’s true, one of …

No one told you there’d be days like this

Tuesday, July 26th, 2005

Her clothes are wet and covered in the goop of dried sweet potatoes. You thought about changing them, but that means she’d probably scream. Again. You’re tired of the screaming.

You can’t figure out what, exactly, is taking up residence in her hair, especially since you carefully bathed her in the sink yesterday.

She won’t let you get close enough to look.

She does want you close; anything that isn’t you holding her on your hip while you stand (and only stand, not sit) is too far. You don’t want the sweet potato goop to get on your clean white shirt.

There are only a certain amount of times you can wash baby goop off a shirt before it dies a tragic death by …

I put the alpha in the alpha bits

Tuesday, July 26th, 2005

It seems that no matter what we do, we just can’t be right. “They” say you need to be an uber parent. (Thanks to Julie for the link.)

Can’t just be a “soccer mom.” Nope, you’ve gotta be the Alpha Mom. You can’t let your kid join every activity. Now you have to give in every time he wants a cookie. You know what? If I don’t get a damn cookie every time I want one, she’s not going to get every freakin’ cookie.

In fact, I have no desire to become a Soccer Mom or an Alpha Mom. I know, I know, shocking.

Then I go and read this. Look at the lady, in her third trimester, who has only put on …

I Left On a Jet Plane

Monday, July 25th, 2005

The drive from Houston to Tulsa takes about eight hours. That is, it takes eight hours if you don’t stop at every Dairy Queen or Arby’s you see in the meantime. The trip (by airplane) from Tulsa back to Houston (from doorstep to doorstep) is five hours.

Yesterday, during our flight back, all I kept thinking is “Flying is FUNNY! Man, wouldn’t the internet love to hear about flying? Isn’t flying GREAT?”

This probably won’t make any sense because I’m still in “Constant Baby Entertaining Mode” after sitting next to my child on the plane while the (Lucky) hubs got to sit in the back, near the potty. You see, we’re those people that don’t actually pay for the baby to get …

The No Sleep Cry Solution

Thursday, July 21st, 2005

When we brought Ellie home from the hospital, we had this conversation often: “Oh! She’s so little and idddddy biddddddy! How could we EVER let her sleep in her own bed? I’d just DIE if she slept over there.”

Well, it didn’t take long, but I realized that she needed to go to her own bed. I knew that I wanted her to sleep in her own bed in her own room and we were setting ourselves up for problemos. So to bed she went.

You know what? I’m glad I kept her in there. Man, that child is a wild sleeper.

I think it is becoming more commonplace for parents to share the “family bed” with their children. To all of you …

Step Away From the Computer

Tuesday, July 19th, 2005

We’re leaving tonight for Tulsa, also known as The Land of Tornadoes. Leaving home is always good because sometimes you stay at home too long and you start to go crazy.

First things first. I need to step away from “A Baby Story.” I seriously feel like slapping the self righteous biznitches on that show on a daily basis. The show has made me utter very bad words while holding my child. I can’t help it. If someone is all gung ho on having a drug free labor and then, during birth, asks for drugs, saying later on that you “really didn’t want the drugs, that’s just what you say at the end of labor.” Well, that makes me want to …

And on the seventh day, they thanked the Lord for Tom Cruise

Monday, July 18th, 2005

“Thank you Tom for standing up and saying something about it.”

Even though I saw “War of the Worlds” (please don’t hate me, the previews got me a long time ago) I was more than happy when the “Tom Cruise is a god” media frenzy went away. Tired of his jumping on the couch, fist pumping, grabbing his girlfriend and kissing her awkwardly for show, I would throw dirty diapers at my television, just begging the ladies on The View to stop kissing butt for one second.

Then, just like that, he went away. It seems, however, that all the “stars” are out jumping on the postpartum bandwagon. “Like, yeah, I was sad one day after I had my baby. Woah, that …

Changes in Latitude, Changes in Attitude

Monday, July 18th, 2005

There are days, sometimes they come more often than not, where you think “I want to get away from this.” Days where even what you eat for breakfast (oatmeal vs quick bowl of cereal) is dictated by the screams of a little one.

Days where you look at that little one and say “Is it naptime yet? I’d like to take a shower and eat lunch.”

People who work outside of the home may think their days are monotnous, but there are changes. They have a change in location on the weekends, they come home every day after work. When you stay at home, your location never changes, except for the “fun” days when you go to the grocery store to …

Logistics

Sunday, July 17th, 2005

Once upon a time, a boy named The Hubs and a girl named SJ decided “Hmm. We should buy a house.” So they did. Eventually, the Girl Named SJ decided to act in a stupid manner, get fired from her job and not make any money. While pregnant.

The Hubs and SJ then sold their beautiful cookie-cutter house, all 1500 sq feet of it, and moved back to Texas. They moved into a very tiny apartment that was full of bugs and had a toilet that overflowed all the time. Eventually, they moved to another suburb and got a nicer, but smaller (and more expensive!) apartment.

All went well. They lived in this tiny place on the third floor (no …

Taking You Down to China Town

Saturday, July 16th, 2005

When I was 17, I went on two dates with a guy named Chris. Two boring, cheapo dates. At the end of the second date, I found out he had a girlfriend. Long story short, I said “buh-bye” to Chris and went on my merry way.

Too bad Chris couldn’t do the same. He started to harrass me. Called me NONSTOP and left some scary messages on my machine. Showed up at places I went to. We worked at the same country club and he had no problem leaving his area to come over to mine to bother me.

Let’s just say little Chris didn’t work there for long after that. Harrassment isn’t well tolerated in the workplace, you know.

In case …

Wet

Friday, July 15th, 2005

I was about six years old when I decided I wanted to be a meteorologist. While all the other kids in my first grade class wanted to be garbagemen and nurses (I lived in Hick Town, what did you expect?) I had to be different.

I also had a love of The Weather Channel. I watched it like most kids watched their afternoon cartoons, infatuated with the weather in Boise. I obsessed over hurricanes and rainstorms, which was good considering we lived in south east Texas.

This is where Houston is, for those of you not in the know of the Texas landscape. (Actually, Houston is a little closer to the water but, whatever.)

Long story short but when I got …

Mommy and Me

Wednesday, July 13th, 2005

A couple of months ago, I went to the bookstore with my husband to browse. Actually, we went because I was in “Depression Club” and needed to get out of the house. Whatever.

I found myself in the Parenting section, where I was looking for a certain book, which oddly enough, they didn’t end up having. Anyway, a pregnant woman and her husband walked up by me and started looking at the books as well. She was maybe six or so months along and they seemed intent on finding books on parenting.

I looked at her and said “This is the only book that’s truthful,” as I pointed to Jenny McCarthy’s “Baby Laughs.” The girl ignored me and kept on looking. …

Your Faith Was Strong but You Needed Proof…

Wednesday, July 13th, 2005

I sat in my favorite coffee shop the other day, in my favorite chair with my favorite (and only) laptop in my lap. I had Microsoft Word opened, trying my best to write something that didn’t sound like it came from my butt (harder than imagined) and just couldn’t get it.

It all seemed like doodie to me. Where was my “voice?” Why must I change tenses a hundred times? Do I have anything worth writing that is more than one paragraph long?

On the way home, I thought about people that have talent. Or people that seem to have a drive (not to mention, a life) that I find interesting.

It is easy to be hard on yourself. For me, a …

Observations

Wednesday, July 13th, 2005

According to this site only 50 to 70 percent of parents want to know if they are having a boy or girl. The rest don’t want to know, instead opting to close their eyes while changing the baby’s diaper.

(Don’t EVEN get me started on this test. Five weeks after conception and need to know? Man, someone needs a practice in patience if you’re going to be a parent. Bleh.)

From a major women’s magazine: “Decoding his body language.”

Rakes fingers through hair.
They say: I am pleasuring myself. I like my hair. I like your hair. I could do this to you, too.
SJ says: My head itches. I have dandruff but I don’t want you to know.

Touches stomach.
They say: I’m not …

One Year Old

Tuesday, July 12th, 2005

Dear Ellie,

A year ago today, the most beautiful, amazing little girl came into my life. Up until then, all I knew of you was what I felt before you were born. I knew you liked to kick at nighttime and hated it when I lay on my side. You didn’t like it when people blew raspberries on my belly and would kick in the direction of your daddy’s voice.

And then, after weeks and weeks of complaining on my part, there you were. My beautiful, healthy, precious little baby girl.

Sometime during that day, I felt it. The love, the uncontrollable love for this little screaming, pooping thing. I couldn’t get enough of you. I still can’t.

This past year has been …

Losing the Battle

Monday, July 11th, 2005

Everyone had heard the story or knows a family that fits the story to a “T.” The family has several children. With the first child, the parents weren’t sure what they were doing. They tried to read all the books, follow everyone’s advice and make the Best Child Ever. By the time the third child comes along, all Hell has broken loose and they are using knives as a mobile because the shininess catches the baby’s eyes and calms it down only in the way a nice bottle of alcohol could.

Much like Autumn hilariously changes the names that she calls her children online, I’m going to have to change Ellie’s name to “Practice Child.”

Sorry, sweetie. I’ve messed up in …

What Did Your Vagina Do Today?

Sunday, July 10th, 2005

Many years ago, my stepmother had an accident when a deer ran into her car. She seemed a little upset about it and I joked that life would now be known as BA and AA. Before the Accident and After the Accident.

It is the same way with having kids. My life is now BB and AB: Before Baby and After Baby.

There are things in life nobody should say to a women who is pregnant such as “Wow! You sure are big! Are you sure you aren’t having twins?” I’m going to hang my head in shame to say that I said this to someone once upon meeting and she still became my friend for awhile.

When I was pregnant with …

Odd Man Out

Friday, July 8th, 2005

My therapist likes to tell me lots of things about myself. I think that she’s correct; she’s good at seeing the sides of me that I don’t want to see.

I’m realizing that I set myself up for failure every weekend. I remember, when I “worked” outside the home, that the weekends were a time to come home, lay on the couch and sleep in late. Now that I stay at home, I’m used to being here all the time. I have a set schedule during the weekdays: Wake up, watch The View, eat breakfast and drink coffee, put the baby down for a nap, shower, etc.

Then come the weekends. Everyone is waking up at odd times, the shows I …

Everything I Learned in Life, I Learned From the Internet

Thursday, July 7th, 2005

When my kids grow up, I can’t wait to say “Well, when I was your age, we didn’t have DVD players in the car. In fact, I had to read books. Can you say book? Buh-uuk. We read those in the car and sometimes we played the roadsign game.”

After that, I walked 5 miles to school in the snow (In Texas!) on one leg, with an arm tied behind my back, smoking a cigar.

What did I ever do without the Internet? Well, back then, I had real people in life, much like the stupid “You wanna be like Dooce” troll that called me ugly the other day, to make me feel insecure. Also, if I had a question about …

The Power Rangers Love Boobies

Wednesday, July 6th, 2005

There’s a reason why so many people buy “What to Expect the First Year.” (Note to readers: don’t buy it.) Everyone is wondering “Is my child normal?”

Here’s a hint: She isn’t. That’s why reality TV is so popular.

I try to be a “laid-back mama” and not freak over what my child is or is not doing. During the past month, she’s started a new habit that had me thinking that I better call the pediatrician ASAP to ask “Is this normal?

She throws things. Not just throws, but if you put something in front of her, she chunks it over her shoulder behind her. She’ll crawl around the living room, tossing anything she finds over her shoulder. Considering our living …

The Truth!

Tuesday, July 5th, 2005

Why people really have kids:

If you’re making the baby dinner and you mess up, no biggie. I bring to you “Broccoli/Squash/Milk/Oatmeal Soup.”

Put Some Clothes on And Call Me

Tuesday, July 5th, 2005

Have you seen the show “Intervention?” It’s about people who are addicted to something: gambling, shopping, cutting themselves, etc. This weekend’s episode had a guy addicted to video games. Long story short, this guy was an IDIOT. The weird thing was that, at age 21, he lived with his parents and didn’t have a job. They were enabling him in his addiction.

I really got the impression that Addict Guy felt that everyone owed him something. Look at me! I’m addicted to video games! It is all YOUR FAULT that I’m addicted and all of you can kiss my butt.

So, this weekend, we were driving through the backwoods of East Texas, bypassing wooded landscapes dotted with brown horses, getting stuck …

Linky Doodle

Monday, July 4th, 2005

I am married to a person that wakes me up at 1am because I have to watch this. Since then, I have seen it one hundred times, thanks to “someone” who thinks it’s funnier than it is.

I haven’t seen this one in a long time. Some may find offense to this so I’m just warning you in advance. But really, how could I not share “Coupon Eater?”

Torpedo Tits

Friday, July 1st, 2005

I read in one of those stupid pregnancy books while pregnant that if I wore a good bra, I wouldn’t have to worry about saggy boobs.

I’d like to give a big “F-You” to Ms. Iovine and her crappy advice. Why? I wore a good bra and HELLO my boobies look like doodoo.

There’s a few things one can do when going out sans baby. I could have bought vibrators for everyone in my apartment building, found a nice man to buy crack from or at least get in and out of the car without having to buckle someone else in.

I chose to buy a bra. Notice I’m not buying “lingere” because HA THAT’S STUPID AND THEY DON’T MAKE LINGERE IN MY …


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