Archive for June, 2005

You’ll figure it out

Thursday, June 30th, 2005

So yeah, the kiddo is going off and she has to have a schedule. So, I try and write her one but uh, I’m not very good at it.

Look! I try to be anal! Watch it fail miserably as I start writing “blah blah blah” instead of actual notes on how to care for my child.

Click on picture for a larger version.

According to The Hubs, the wording about her second nap does not make sense. I mean, seriously, does anyone really expect for my Mom to follow this routine? Say it with me class: NO. That’s why I put “She doesn’t have to take this one.”

It’s my way of staying in control.

She’s totally going to come back on two …

OMG! Road Trip!!!

Thursday, June 30th, 2005

When I first brought Ellie home from the hospital, the only thing I wanted to do was hold her. Forget showering, eating or cleaning up the house, if I couldn’t do it with a wee one in my arms, it didn’t need to be done.

I remember one time holding Ellie in my lap on a pillow while I typed on my computer. I couldn’t put the child down for one minute, lest she grow up and go to college while I hit “publish” on this website.

Somewhere along the way, I realized that I could put her down. After putting her down, I realized that hey! I can get things done when not holding her. I could poop! And eat! Do …

Weight Watcher

Wednesday, June 29th, 2005

Sometimes, I pick up my 24ish pound 11-month old and say “Woah, Chunk!”

Chunky babies are cute. You can snuggle them and grab their little thighs and say “Aww, I love chunky babies.” Note I said babies. Seeing as July 12th will mark the day my child becomes a “toddler” (lets not get into the fact that she’s not walking on her own, more than 5 steps, they call her a toddler–WHATEVER) and nobody ever says “Look at the cute, chubby toddler!”

So, starting tonight, my child has gone on a very strict diet.

It started innocently enough. The Hubs and I were eating Spicy Chicken, squash sauteed in butter and olive oil and a salad with blue cheese vinaigrette. …

Boring update

Wednesday, June 29th, 2005

There’s something wrong with my site’s server. So, if you come and the site looks all funky, it will be okay. Also my email is not working at all so I can’t answer any emails or comments because my email says “no messages.”

I’m in email withdrawl.

Also, the best line from a commercial ever: “Hey let’s play do you wanna hide the remote?”

Is that like hide the salami?

Hormonally Challenged

Tuesday, June 28th, 2005

I’m not exactly the most level headed person. I totally expect to become that Mom who kicks the kid’s butt on the playground after he trips my child and makes her fall. I’ll throw lemonade in the PTA President’s face and then I’ll laugh about it on the ‘net.

Actually, in person, in the real world, I’m very “normal.” I don’t have outbursts and I’m not one to confront someone who cuts in line.

Get me home, however, and The Crazy comes out. The Crazy is what makes me imagine horrible scenarios the second The Hubs comes home from work two minutes late. Let me just say that The Pregnant Crazy makes The Crazy look like Little Orphan Annie.

The Pregnant Crazy writes …

Hot Topic

Tuesday, June 28th, 2005

What happened on here yesterday surprised me. I know, you think I shouldn’t be surprised, but the arguments that people get into over “hot topics” always leaves me scratching my head.

There are some pregnancy message boards where people post “hot topics” such as breast or bottle, cloth or disposable, snip or don’t.

To me, these aren’t “Hot topics.” They are personal decisions. I wouldn’t belittle someone for only formula feeding– you don’t know the person or their reasons for doing so. I wouldn’t laugh and point and scream at you if you have a drug free labor and I assume you’d give me the same respect regarding my choice for an epidural. Different strokes for different folks.

Ha, so if you …

Moving on…

Monday, June 27th, 2005

I am so glad that nobody has an opinion on the old snippage of the weiner. Whew. THAT went over well. Before I continue on, NOBODY is making any decisions for me. I merely wanted to see who is snipping and who isn’t as I don’t know anyone with babies.

And, you know, those ladies at the mall keep getting mad when I ask if their sons are “intact.” HA!

So, onto more controversial subjects, my little sluts and dumb people. (BTW, I love all you guys. You make me laff so very hard. Hard like a wang.)

In case you didn’t know, Miss E’s first birthday is coming up on July 12. Yup, my Crotch Fruit is going to be one! One …

Two Snips or Not Two Snips. This is a Question.

Saturday, June 25th, 2005

I’ve had many people ask me what I think this baby will “be.” As in weiner or cooter. Innie or outie. It’s one of the fun parts of getting pregnant, along with buying “maternity underwear,” getting to guess the gender sex of the child.

I try to explain to people that I have this “sense” about my babies. I always imagined myself having a boy and then a girl, but the second I got pregnant with Ellie, I knew it was a girl. Then I decided I’d have two girls but a few weeks into this pregnancy, I thought “boy.”

I know, I know, you don’t understand. It’s like my vagina knows. I mean, who else besides my vagina has an …

The Nosy Threesome

Friday, June 24th, 2005

There’s a TV show called What Not to Wear where the hosts grab a badly dressed person and shows her, thanks to a room full of mirrors, that she is dressed in a very bad way. One recent commercial had a lady saying “I wonder what everyone thought of me when I was dressed like this.”

I know a lot of people go out in public and are worried about what they look like. As long as I’m clean, I don’t really care too much. Take yesterday, for example. I grabbed my husband’s shirt (He’s 6′4 and I’m 5′5) and paired it with my flumpy shorts. The shirt had a cartoon hand-drawn face on the front. The eyes, however, where in …

Ass

Thursday, June 23rd, 2005

Hey, did you know I have a stick up my ass? Turns out, according to the internet, I do!

What’s up your ass?

PS: I Google Imaged “Stick up Ass” and found this. Funny.

The Aggies Are So Proud

Wednesday, June 22nd, 2005

Last night, after we finished watching “Ponies in Love,” “I Married a Taco” and “Real Sex: (Snoop) Doggy Style,” we came across a channel that had this face on it.

The Hubs did not know who this lady was. Here’s a hint, some people call her “The Queen of England.” This started a long tirade on HOW THE HECK CAN YOU NOT KNOW WHAT THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND LOOKS LIKE, YOU WEIRDO?????

After going on a big tirade about how he doesn’t care who she is, it finally turns out that my husband thinks that the British Royal Family is the equivalent of The Hilton Family.

Yes, my husband thinks that Prince William and Paris Hilton are one in the …

Learn from me

Tuesday, June 21st, 2005

How not to give yourself an enema, by The Sarcastic Journalist.

1. Get someone to buy enema for you.
2. Go into bathroom, totally grossed out by the fact that you now own an enema.
3. Open enema package but don’t read the directions.
4. Sit on toilet instead of on the ground like the package says to.
5. Aim enema somewhere near your bottom.
6. Squirt enema for three seconds, decide that’s enough stuff going into your butt. (Package says to empty almost entire bottle.) Realize you got like, two squirts in there.
7. Stand up, walk around house (instead of lying still on ground like the package says.)
8. Hold enema in for one minute instead of, you know, five.
9. Curse when you really can’t poop.

Guess …

Not a golden shower, for sure.

Monday, June 20th, 2005

I haven’t felt as desperate as I have this past week in a long time. The desperation I feel as I hunch over a toilet bowl or curl into a ball on the couch is one that I hope I never feel again.

Internet, I’m going to tell you a secret. There have been a few occasions during this week where I thought to myself that I wish I was not pregnant. I do not wish for the baby to go away, no, I just wish that I didn’t feel this way. I am keenly aware of the fact that if I was not pregnant, I could have more options to make myself feel better.

Obviously this baby is wanted and I’m …

Poop Should Go in the Potty.

Sunday, June 19th, 2005

During my last pregnancy, I had a weekly dialogue with my husband that went pretty much like this:

SJ: I do not want to have this baby through my cooter. I want a c-section.
Him: No. You will do it the other way. Its better for you! You don’t want surgery!
SJ: Yes, I want surgery.

This convo continued on up to the day I went into labor, when my dialogue became this:

SJ: I WANT A C-SECTION NOW. (whine. Cry. Pout.) PUHLEASE I CANT HAVE THIS BABY I CANT DO THIS I HATE EVERYONE CUT ME OPEN NOW.
Doctor: Drugs?
SJ: I LOVE YOU I WANT TO MAKE BABIES WITH YOU.

So, I got my drugs (Hello Trolls! I used drugs during labor and they …

Do Not Scare The White People

Friday, June 17th, 2005

A couple of days ago, I was waiting to go and hang out with Curly Girl when I decided to take a drive through White People Land. Instead of driving around, looking at the pretty trees, I decided to take a tour of Houses That Are So Big The Entire Country of Somalia Could Live There. You see, I grew up here in WPL and grew accustomed to seeing people with expensive cars and houses that would make yo’ mama cry.

In fact, it got to the point that they didn’t really impress me because once you’ve seen one house, you’ve seen them all.

The deal with White People Land is that all the White People are very scared. I’m not sure …

Had to share

Friday, June 17th, 2005

So today my stomach hurt and it turns out that you know, I’m constipated. I wasn’t really going to share this info with the world but come on, I know you need to know these types of things. I’ve been so worried about puke and babies and not enough about what my bottom is doing.

It really started hurting this morning. I thought it was the poop, but it wasn’t. Turns out there is something wrong with this world and my colon picked up on it.

Also? Katie? Is it me or is TomTom hugging little miss Dakota too tight?

Take a Ride On The Vomit Comet

Wednesday, June 15th, 2005

Not long after I wrote that last post, things went from bad to worse. I went from somewhat functional to laying on the ground, begging for God to put me out of my misery, vomiting Gatorade everywhere functional.

On a scale of 1 to 10 of function, 10 being the highest, I rated a negative 89 at the time.

I kept asking for The Hubs to shoot me. You’ll see that this is a theme of this post. So, off he goes to the store to get vomit medicine. He doesn’t even make it out of the parking lot before he gets a call from me. “Hospital.”

Actually, I ran from the bathroom to the living room, where I started throwing up in …

Smells Like Teen Spirit

Wednesday, June 15th, 2005

Sometimes I get a post or an idea for a post and I’ll carry it around in my head for awhile. The idea I have carried in my head for awhile has to do with the internet. Basically, it was going to say “It’s just the internet. Get over it.”

But I can’t write that right now. I’m sick. I’m not sure if it is the hypermesis (I could be spelling it wrong but I really don’t care) or it might be the Projectile Vomit Disease. All I know is that I haven’t kept anything down today. At all. If I get up, I vomit. Or I get a headache.

My Mom came over and took Miss E because there is no …

Projectiles

Tuesday, June 14th, 2005

We hardly go out of town anymore. Even a weekend trip to visit family becomes a three ring circus when a child is involved. Since it has been entirely too long since the circus has come to town, we decided to go to a town a few hours away to visit family this weekend and, of course, we brought the child. That’s who everyone wants to see, anyway.

Don’t these people care about ME, the child that had meningitis and went deaf in one ear? Hello! I could have died! What about me? Me? The person who gave birth to that grandbaby???

I lay in bed on Saturday night, a hard, uncomfortable not to mention small bed next to The Hubs as …

The Name Game

Monday, June 13th, 2005

I stood in the bathroom in Orlando while my friend Crystal, we shall call her “The Girl Who Loves Mormons” listened to her voice mail. It seems as if the Mormon of her affection just became an uncle.

I don’t remember the child’s middle name but I won’t forget the first name any time soon: Paris.

Yup, they named their baby Paris. First, Paris is a very pretty name. It brings to mind images of sidewalk cafes and little men in berets and mimes. How can you go wrong with a name if it conjures up the image of a mime?

Only problem is that there’s also another famous “Paris.” This Paris conjures up to mind pictures of sex videos, answering cell phones …

Presents for Everyone!

Sunday, June 12th, 2005

Hello, Internet. I have some presents for you.

Click here and pick “Po’s Scooter.” Make sure your volume is on.

It sounds like one of my favorite words. And no, its not the F bomb.

In honor of Angela at Fluid Pudding, here’s a song someone left in a comment. I don’t remember who did, but man, thanks!

You should be happy to know that several of my husband’s coworkers were singing this song for awhile.

Enjoy!

11 months

Friday, June 10th, 2005

Dear Elliebear,

So, its been a very big month for us here. First, Mommy and Daddy went off to Disney World and we didn’t bring you anything back. Second, Mommy found out that you’re getting a little brother or sister in eight months.

Perhaps that explains why you keep hiding your head.

Don’t worry, we won’t love you any less. If anything, I’m trying to figure out how I will love this one as much as I love you.

Its all very exciting to know that we’re in the early stages of a new chapter of our lives. I can’t imagine that you and your sibling to be will have this relationship that (hopefully) is still going strong even when Mommy and Daddy …

Paranoid

Friday, June 10th, 2005

There’s this TV show called Blind Date where two people are set up on, you guessed it, a blind date. These people always go on obnoxious dates where they wrestle like Sumo Wrestlers, herd cattle or do something no one would ever do on a first date unless they were you know, a millionaire.

At the end of the show, they interview both parties about their feelings on the date. A lot of times, one person says “This was the worst date ever!” while the other says “I think we made a connection. I will ask her out again.”

I think that meeting new friends is very similar to Blind Date. Sometimes I get the feeling that if the Blind Date producers …

Bits of Tid

Thursday, June 9th, 2005

1. A lady in a childcare center told me today that my child is very “self-sufficient.” They also said she “talks” a lot, which is cool because, man she’s my child.
2. A big fat “Ha! She’s self sufficient” to all the people who said I held my child too much.
3. My husband should really learn to appreciate the fact that I call him at work and say “I’ll tell you a secret if you can tell me what the ’show me state’ is.”
4. If you think you’ve locked your keys in the car while you’re out in public, it is a good idea to check the side pocket of the diaper bag before you call your husband at work and …

Bad Advice for Everyone!

Wednesday, June 8th, 2005

Hi so yeah. Bad advice. You want it, I’ll give it. And, you know, since I’m all Cra-zy, I’m not going to tell you what is “real” advice and what is “really bad” advice.

I don’t know why I hate to clean my house? I just hate it. From: Anon

Dear Anon,
You hate to clean your house because you are messy. I think it has something to do with your parents. Blame your parents and write them a nasty letter, explaining that they have ruined your life and you’d like your cut of the will now.

My bff never calls me back after I leave her like 15 messages saying, “Umm yeah this is my 15th message in 4 days, how about …

Bad Advice Thursdays!

Wednesday, June 8th, 2005

I have a friend who told me that I was a lot “nicer” and “happier” once I went on “the meds.” Yes, its true, the meds took some of my edge off and, trust me, I have a lot of edge. In fact, on most days, my edge resembles the Grand Canyon.

During pregnancy, my edge is the size of Russia. Woohoo! Crazy ladies for everyone!

I mentioned to my therapist yesterday how I felt very “sad” for things I’ve done in the past. I thought it was odd because these “sad” feelings were coming out of nowhere. It turns out, and I’m not lying here, she said “You are feeling remorse! We’re all starting to see your human side!”

Turns out that …

The Post Where I Anger Both Dog and Baby Lovers

Tuesday, June 7th, 2005

When I was little, my grandma told me if I opened an umbrella in the house, snakes would fall out of it.

“A relative” thought that if you tickeled her baby, the baby would grow up to stutter, dashing all hopes of her becoming Miss America.

We were at the grocery store recently at The Hubs snuck Miss E a bite of donut. “You can’t feed her that!” I said. “It has chocolate in it.”

Wait. No, you aren’t supposed to feed chocolate to dogs, not babies. I guess babies can have chocolate, if you can get over that whole “my baby is going to be a sugar junkie” aspect. Yea for cavities and obesity!

That happens to me a lot. I get confused …

You will not read this in a baby book.

Tuesday, June 7th, 2005

Looking back, I consider the adolescent Sarcastic Journalist to have been pretty much “boy crazy.” It started in the second grade when I became obsessed with a transfer to our school named Jason Green. From what I remember, he was blonde, had an attitude, lived with his mom and seriously disliked me.

The fact that he found me as annoying as genital herpes (Ha! Mentioned them again!) should have told me to back off. It didn’t. I remember sitting next to him in music class while I unfastened and refastened my velcro shoelaces. I think he told me to stop it. The highlight of this period of my life was when Jason and I had to hold hands and dance to …

The Hairy Will Not Hurt You

Monday, June 6th, 2005

Dear Internet,

You are not allowed to meet me in person. Why? Because you will know all my stories. But, today I’m getting hit by the hormones and they bring The Sad and The Angry so I will tell you a story before I scrub scum off the bottom of the tub because I love you that much!

I’ve always been somewhat “hairy.” Not hairy in the coarse, thick hair covering my body type of way but hairy as in dark hair. Blame it on my Cajun heritage but this gal isn’t covered in pretty blonde hair.

When I was 17, wearing a two piece bathing suit was Very Important. More important that world peace, baby seals and homelessness combined. I was …

Pat my drum, baby.

Thursday, June 2nd, 2005

Sometimes I’ll go to someone’s website and I’ll read a part of their entry where they are quoting famous historians, poems or philosophers. At that very moment, when the writer compares their search for green tea to the plight of the Mongoose, I feel myself vomit a little. If the Internet were a giant lecture hall and these people were the professors, you could bet your bottom dollar that I’d be drawing stick figures doing naughty things in the corners of my notes.

Luckily, you won’t find any of that here. Instead, I’ll relay an episode of The Simpsons. In one Simpsons episode, a toy company takes over Bart and Lisa’s school and they use the students to help …

Our little Alfalfa

Wednesday, June 1st, 2005

When my fetus was a hypothetical fetus, meaning it was an egg and a sperm, we referred to it as “To Be Determined.”

It worked well in conversations such as “Man, we better start saving money for when we have to put Ellie and To Be Determined in therapy because we’ve screwed them up so much.”

Now that the child is a nice itty bitty clump of cells in my belly, To Be Determined doesn’t exactly have a nice ring.

I was playing around online tonight, surfing through random blogs and message boards like I always do, you know, to keep it real, when The Hubs looked over my shoulder.

“What is Lima Bean,” he asks.

Besides the obvious answer of “A nasty vegetable,” …

Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?

Wednesday, June 1st, 2005

We all have a “type.” Before I met The Hubs, I swore my “ideal” guy had blonde hair and blue eyes and a “shorter,” muscular body. Boy, was I surprised when I met The Man of My Dreams. Let’s just say he wasn’t what I usually went for. He had brown hair and eyes, was 6′4 and lanky.

Let me tell you this, ladies: Lanky can be good.

When a single friend of mine says that she isn’t interested in a guy because he isn’t her “type,” I ask her how her “type” has worked out for her so far. Considering she’s wanting to find a guy because all the other guys have been jerks, I say how maybe, just maybe, …


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