Archive for May, 2005

Juggling Act

Tuesday, May 31st, 2005

I went to a “playgroup” when Miss E was itty bitty at the local library. Obviously, I wasn’t going for her to interact as she slept the entire time, but I wanted to get out and see real, live people who also had babies.

There was one lady there, who was totally the Hall Monitor in high school, who ran the group. I didn’t really like her, but, at the same time, I kind of felt sorry for her. Did she realize just how dorky she seemed? She seemed a little too uptight for my liking, but different strokes for different folks. Anyway, Hall Monitor had a son, who was about two, that acted like my now 10-month-old does. He refused …

Second Wind

Monday, May 30th, 2005

I ran cross-country in high school. Not like cross-country from New York to LA but cross-country/track. XC.

I had some very few and far between moments when I really wasn’t that bad at running. This usually happened in the off season, where I’d amaze myself and my teammates at just how fast those legs could go.

Then I’d fall down and break my leg so I’d have to spend the next several months “aqua jogging” in a pool.

During those few moments of pure running genius, I’d get what runners call the “second wind.” You know, when, halfway during a run, when you feel there is NO way you can go on any longer, when you feel ready to hack up …

Southern Hospitality

Saturday, May 28th, 2005

People in the South seem to enjoy talking about how friendly they are. I remember growing up and having people I didn’t know smile or wave at me on the street. I thought “Man, these people are so nice!”

Knowing my luck, they probably thought I was “special.” Perhaps I had toilet paper on my shoe.

Anyway, when I lived in Denver for a short while, I remember thinking how different things were there. First off, the people did not drive like they do in Houston. No one had one hand on their gun, the other hand out the window, flipping the bird. People seemed very complacent, very willing to just line up on the highway and take their time getting home. …

Do not boycott “French Fries” for you will be boycotting my baby.

Friday, May 27th, 2005

My daughter’s head always smells like french fries. I just finished bathing her after the “Mommy left Jello on the table and someone had to pull it off and then smear it over herself” episode and she STILL smells like french fries.

Also, for anyone who has seen the movie “Poltergeist,” you know the part where the Mom and Carol Ann come back from the other side covered in jelly?

It was totally like that.

So, if they say that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, I guess Miss E is one lucky girl. Hopefully the guys she dates like fried food.

Girly Man

Thursday, May 26th, 2005

I remember, not long after I gave birth to my daughter, I thought to myself that I wasn’t going to get postpartum depression. I built myself a superioritory castle and threw myself a “No PPD Parade” every day at 4 and 10pm.

Post partum depression, me? Ha!

Boy, was I wrong. What eventually happened was something I did not think possible. It felt like a train hit me head on and my body was left to rot on the side of the tracks.

All the while, I was supposed to take care of my baby. While rotting.

So, you could see that I might get a little irked when Tom I’m-A-Scientologist-That-Jumps-Up-And-Down-On-Oprah’s-Couch
-And-Looks-Like-An-Idiot Cruise tells us that he knows how to cure PPD.

With vitamins!

Hey, everyone! …

Potty Mouth

Wednesday, May 25th, 2005

I had two forms of delusion when I was pregnant. The first was the “My Baby is Going to be Crazy” delusion. I’m not sure what I expected, but I think it had something to do with her biting the heads off bats and drinking chicken blood.

Luckily, my child came out and she has never had contact with bats. She’s happy and smiley and even though she has recently given me an attitude of a 16-year-old girl, she’s still okay.

My second delusion was the “My Baby is Never Going to do That” delusion. I think, out of the two delusions, this one is the worst one to have. WHY? Because, Internet, your baby is going to do that. A lot. …

Celebrity Babies Have Nothing on This!

Tuesday, May 24th, 2005

I’ll tell you, Internet. I had an experience at Disney World that I wanted to tell you about but had to wait for the pictures. Guess what? I now have the pictures.

So on Saturday, after a morning at the Animal Kingdom, we head over to Epcot. We go to the new ride, Soarin’ to get Fastpasses. While we were ambling around outside of the restrooms, we become privy to some very interesting information.

A certain person who is on TV was riding the ride at that very moment.

So, being the major nerds that we are, we head over to the back exit of the ride. We wait. And wait. All of a sudden, I see an employee, pushing two children …

Concerned

Tuesday, May 24th, 2005

Does anyone know what happened to Autumn over at Autumnville? Her site is gone, I tried to email and I got a Yahoo Message back saying she no longer is accepting email.

I’m worried about her and want to know that she’s okay.

You never stop learning!

Tuesday, May 24th, 2005

Things my husband told me/things I heard after his colonoscopy this morning:*

1. He believed that the doctor that preformed the procedure “uppercut (him) in the gut.”
2. He thinks he shoots zombies while at work.**
3. He dedicated all of his farts (due to all the gas pumped into him) to his “homies.”
4. “SJ” in “The Whitelands” is considered one of his “homies.”
5. Another good way to intro into a fart is to say “fire in the hole.”
6. He had a password I had to say before he would get up. The password was “eroded placenta.”

Watching him come off the meds was worth sitting in the world’s coldest waiting room for two hours. I laughed so hard, I had tears rolling down …

Nick and Jessica get their bunions removed!

Monday, May 23rd, 2005

Once upon a time, we’d gather around the television and catch up on our favorite TV family. I don’t know about you, but I secretly wanted to be one of the Huxtable kids. Remember the time that Mr. Cosby/Huxtable made Vanessa and Rudy live in the Basement? Talk about comic genius. I felt like I wanted to walk down those stairs with Theo and laugh at the girls for fighting so much. Man, that Mr. Huxtable just knew how to give out punishments and still have all the problems finished up within 30 minutes.

Well, you’re not going to see anything like that anymore because our television is one big reality tv show nightmare. I swear, when I see …

The Hippy Hippy Shake

Sunday, May 22nd, 2005

Most of us have a word that, when called, will drive us over the breaking point. For Michael J. Fox in Back to the Future, that word was “chicken.”

You can call me chicken all you want. I do not like to jump off things, I’m not a fan of trying new foods and I became overcome with fear while parasailing.

My word is “hippy.”

The Hubs, like any spouse, knows how to push my buttons. If he’s wanting to get me to the core, all he has to do is tell me I’m a “hippy.”

In fact, if you call me a “hippy,” I’m more than likely to grab my gun, buy an SUV, join the NRA and go on the hunt …

The edge of the hedge looks like a ledge

Friday, May 20th, 2005

It all started about two weeks ago. The Hubs started having chest pains. Then he had stomach problems (aka poo problems) and then, while on vacation, the poor guy got covered in a rash.

You would think that after two weeks, everything would be back to normal. NO. Basically, to make a long story very short, I called his doctor yesterday, trying to save him time and a $10 copay.

On Tuesday morning, my fabulous husband will be getting a colonoscopy and endoscopy. We’ve tried to do this as much without medical intervention as possible. He tried the bowel prep, walked all over Hell’s Half Acre while at Disney, ate a lot and drank a lot of water. Then, once we got …

Golden Rules do not Apply in Blogland, Obviously.

Friday, May 20th, 2005

I’ve seen a topic raised on other blogs, as well as mine, on several occassions. “Why would you put your life out there for everyone to read?” Usually, this is made in a less-than-friendly way such as “Your life sucks, you stupid bitch” or “You are so self-indulgent” or whatnot.

Why would someone think that they know everything about a person because they read a blog? What you read on my site (or anyone else’s) is what they LET you see. Such as you will not know if my husband and I have a disagreement. You do not know what we talk about when we’re lying in bed together. You do not know what I had for breakfast, you do …

I’d Like My Reparations Paid in Oreos, Please

Thursday, May 19th, 2005

Today I went to a friend’s house and had a special little cookie. You see, it wasn’t a “normal” cookie. It didn’t have chocolate chips or icing. No, it was an ANZAC Biscuit.

My friend has lived in Australia and her husband is a Crikey. Therefore, these people sometimes call “cookies” biscuits, even though we all know that jelly goes on biscuits.

That’s the deal with foreigners. First, we have the whole grams to cups problem. Then we have Farenheit and Celsius problem. How the heck can you claim 26 degrees to be comfortable??

26 is cold. You do not wear shorts or knickers or whatever you call them when it is cold outside.

I know, I know you’re thinking that I’m just …

The Wee One Goes Poo In Your Shirt

Thursday, May 19th, 2005

I’m not a big fan of trends. If everyone is dressing up like it is the 80s with gold bangles and off the shoulder sweatshirts, you can bet your bottom dollar I will keep my jeans and tshirts. I don’t want to be another victim to every horrendous trend in the world.

Hello, I wore neon colors during the 80s. I know all about bad fashion.

Anyway, there is a trend out there that makes me want to cry. Not platform wedge shoes, which are HORRIBLE, but dogs.

Yes, Internet. I think the trend of having an itty bitty doggie is one of the worst trends possible. So wrong is it that I consider it as horrible as the “We love Bennifer!” trend …

Fear + Sadness= Fadness

Thursday, May 19th, 2005

Recently, I was at a sandwich place at Disney World and I saw an older woman sitting at a table by herself, eating dinner. My heart dropped when I saw her and I immediately felt sad. Then I took a step and saw that her companion was hidden from my view and, in fact, she wasn’t alone.

But the sadness remained for awhile.

I think this is one of the hardest parts of my personality to explain, this feeling of sadness that comes across me at a moment’s notice. I know I felt sad because I saw a lady, an elderly lady, sitting by herself. I thought she was alone. I thought she had to eat dinner by herself.

I know there’s a …

American Loser

Wednesday, May 18th, 2005

I hate American Idol.

There. I said it. I think the show is stupid, I think the “talent” is mediocre and trust me, I’m pretty bad so if I think you suck, you really do.

Anyway, my Mother in Law was watching the show last week when she stayed with us. I was sitting on the couch with her and got my first glimpse at the season.

Then I had to google “Trach Boy.” It made me giggle. I had to know what was up with the Trach.

So, tonight, I was flipping through channels and the show was on. They were about to announce who was going on to be the American Loser so I decided to watch for a minute.

You see, …

Trashilicous

Wednesday, May 18th, 2005

When we were on vacation, one of the things we talked about most was what would Ellie do when we got back. Would she cry? Cheer with joy?

I had a theory that Ellie was going to cry when she saw us. I figured that since she had cried in situations like this in the past, she would continue on with the tradition.

Boy was I wrong.

Once we got off our flight from Orlando to Houston, I bypassed the baggage claim and ran outside to see my baby. Sure enough, there she was in the back seat, sucking on a bottle. I ran around to her and smiled. She gave me a blank stare and looked away.

I thought she was …

Diz-Nee

Tuesday, May 17th, 2005

Before I continue on with this post, I have to tell you that we got back yesterday. Unfortunately, “someone” who has been having weird problems decided to have more problems while on vacation. I have two words for you. Skin rash. Actually, it wasn’t as bad as that picture, but let’s just say that The Hubs has a very nasty rash that pretty much coveres his entire body.

We went to the doctor the second we got home and it was decided that he had a reaction to a drug. A drug that he took for his “chest pain.” A drug that made his body completely stop working.

GREAT!

Anyway, The Sarcastic Journalist goes to Disney World. Lots o’fun ensues.

Let me tell …

A Bloody Mess

Wednesday, May 11th, 2005

Since I am leaving today for the gloriousness that is Walt Disney World (did you know that Regis and Kelly are there? If I see Kelly, I’m totally going to drop kick that ho) I will tell you a little story about a Very Horrible Vacation that I once had.

When I was 12, my cousin, we shall call her “Topaz,” invited me to go on vacation with her and the people she babysat for. Even then, in my beautiful tween years, I was a little cautious about going on vacation with people I didn’t know, but I went anyway.

From what I remember about these people, they were Rednecks. When I say Redneck, I mean Annie Get Your Gun, Yeehaw Let’s …

Blue Blood

Tuesday, May 10th, 2005

I had a friend in high school, we shall call her “Erin” as that was her name. Actually, her name still is “Erin.” Anyway, Erin’s Mom didn’t like shopping at Wal-Mart. In fact, as we were told, Erin’s Mom was a lover of finer things and didn’t enjoy the wonders of Payless Shoe Store.

Star Jones would be so mad.

Anyway, I remember uttering “How can anyone not like Wal-Mart? It is so cheap! Where does she get her cleaning supplies?”

Yes, at the time, I thought the only place in the world one could get cleaning supplies was at a Wal-Mart. Boy, was I wrong.

Anyway, as I grew older and had to go shopping on my own, I began to hate Wal-Mart …

Leaving on a Jet Plane (tomorrow)

Tuesday, May 10th, 2005

How to go on vacation for childless people:

Think “Gee. I want to go on vacation.”
Pack bags between all those sex sessions you are having. Go on vacation.

How to go on vacation for people who have babies:

1. Think “If I don’t go on vacation, I’m going to jump off the balcony.”
2. Figure out how you can come up with money to go on vacation. Harvest kidney. Sell on black market.
3. Call family members to see who will come watch child for you.
4. Freak because someone who is not you will be watching your child.
5. Make detailed list of things child likes (Dr.Phil) and dislikes (car seat).
6. Realize you are out of homemade baby food. Buy more fruits and vegetables so …

Ellie’s Tenth Month

Monday, May 9th, 2005

Hi Ellie. You’re about to turn ten months old. I’d say that you are ten months old, but by the time you really turn that age, I will be on vacation.

Yup, you heard that right. Mommy and Daddy are going on vacation. Without you. To make matters worse, we are going to Disney World. We’ll bring you when you are older. Please don’t hate us.

Anyway, I am having a tough time imagining all those days we will be gone and not having you with me. Truth be told, your temperment is so much better than I ever thought it could be. You are such a happy little baby: You smile all the time, you are hardly ever bored and …

Ain’t no particular sign I’m compatible with, I just want your extra time and your kiss

Sunday, May 8th, 2005

When I was in high school, my Mom made me get a job. It became one of the thousands of jobs I held off and on throughout high school that I’d eventually quit because I hated it so much. This one was in the flower department at the local grocery store. I had no training whatsoever, but it was my job to cut the roses and wrap them up very pretty.

Every time a man would walk in and buy flowers, I’d ask why. Let me put it this way: Men were buying roses for two reasons. They screwed up or they were ABOUT to screw up. Plain and simple.

Yes, there were a few (like my beautiful hubby) who would buy …

Poo Party

Saturday, May 7th, 2005

We have bad luck when it comes to our anniversaries. I spent our first anniversary getting a colonoscopy. Nothing says “I’m so happy to be married to you for a year” quite like having someone shove a tube up your butt.

I’m not sure if the highlight of the day was when my butt kept leaking while waiting for the colonoscopy to start, when I yelled at some old lady that I ‘got it up the butt’ in the recovery room, or when my husband had to dress me and I kept fighting him.

The second year, last year, I was pregnant. Don’t believe me? I have photographic evidence. Look. I’m trying to smile besides the fact that I look like the …

White Honkey

Friday, May 6th, 2005

I think the first time I became aware of the media and news in general was when I was about eight. I sat in the front seat of our car and looked at the headline on the front page of the paper. It said something about the “Cold War” and I became very troubled thinking about bad people trying to do bad things to us.

Luckily, my child will never have to learn ANYTHING about the world because here in America, we have two things on the news. The Iraq War (boring blah blah) and Jennifer Wilbanks, the runaway bride (even more boring blah blah blah).

Besides the fact that the whole Runaway Bride story is SO OVERPLAYED, I’m really sick of …

Life Lesson

Thursday, May 5th, 2005

If you are going to call someone who is in the hospital being induced so she can have a baby, I have a few words of advice for you.

First off, when a female voice answers the phone, it is best not to say “Can I speak to the knocked up person?”

When that voice says “This is the knocked up person,” do not continue on with your conversation and say “how’s it going?”

Eventually, when you think “Hey, the knocked up person I know doesn’t have a Southern accent,” it is best to clarify right then and there who is actually on the phone. Why? It turns out that in Labor and Delivery, there are many knocked up women on the same …

busybee

Thursday, May 5th, 2005

Yesterday, while Miss E took a nice, long nap, I decided to be a “good wife.”

By “good wife,” I mean do something besides laying on the couch, moaning about how depressed I am and why the hell don’t I have starbucks coffee right now?

Anyway, so The Hubs calls in the middle of Clean Fest 2005. I had loaded and unloaded the dishwasher. Scrubbed the nasties off the kitchen counter, did laundry and was even FOLDING the laundry.

I had fresh pineapple ready for the baby when she woke up and had cleaned the sink out with cleansing products so I could give her a bath.

So, he called.

The Hubs: “What are you doing?”
Me: “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”
The …

My Fertile Friend

Wednesday, May 4th, 2005

I have a secret! For those of you not in the know, I “accidentally” became pregnant with Miss E while practicing Natural Family Planning, aka “The Stupidest Method of Birth Control EVER.”

The deal with NFP is that uh, if you misestimate ovulation, you can become pregnant. Sure, all “the people” will tell you that condoms are a very important part of NFP, but who wants to bump uglies with someone wearing Saran Wrap?

I sure as heck didn’t and three months after trying NFP, I found myself “with child.”

So, this past month I decided to start charting my temperature again so I can see when I am ovulating. Since I’m now capable of riding the crimson wave, I figured I …

A Town Called “Perfect”

Tuesday, May 3rd, 2005

There’s an interesting trend I’ve noticed once we moved back to The Whitelands. A trend I did not notice when we lived in another suburb of Houston, nor when we lived in Durham.

It is the trend of advertising your child’s extra-curricular activities as a decal on your car. Sure I’ve seen “My child is an honor student at lala fancypants middle school.” But now? Oh no, you wouldn’t be caught DEAD here in The Whitelands with that on your car.

Now this is what I see:

Whitelands Swim Team: Kelsey

Whitelands Varsity Basketball: Rob #7

Little Trotters Pony Riders: Kayleigh and Ashlee

Most of the ones I see have multiple decals. That means if your kid is in soccer, swimming AND ballet, man, …

I really need a brain check

Tuesday, May 3rd, 2005

I am sitting at a coffee shop and the girls next to me are having Bible Study. They are discussing having lust in their hearts and being jealous of people who have boyfriends.

The leader asks the girls when was the last time they “fantasized” about having a boyfriend.

Luckily, no one said “when I was masturbating.”

A Staggering Work of Heartbreaking Stupidity

Tuesday, May 3rd, 2005

The Hubs and I have different “jobs” when it comes to our marriage. One of my jobs is making doctors appointments. I also tend to be the person who has to order the pizza on the phone, but whatever. It’s my job and I do it.

I’d much rather call a doctor than change the poopy diaper pail.

Anyway, so last night, The Hubs comes home and nonchalantly mentions that “Uh, my chest hurts.” So, after much pressing on my part, I find out the chest has been hurting most of the day, does not go away with pain medication and spreads into his jaw, neck and left arm.

I swear, if I hadn’t already done it, I would have totally beat …

Oprah related random order

Monday, May 2nd, 2005

Things I’m thinking about, in a random order:

1. Today’s Oprah. Jerry O’Connell is totally gay. He has a thing for Nate.
2. The artist formerally known as Rebecca Romijn-Stamos? TOTALLY PREGNANT. Stop trying to cover it up, biznitch.
3. Since when is not having a decorated apartment such a HORRIBLE HORRIBLE thing? Again, this is Oprah related.
4. Sitting at the pool in a bathing suit, typing on your laptop? WEIRD.
5. I might have accidentally bought two maternity shirts at a consignment store today. You know, to kick my ovaries into overdrive.
6. Miss E has a thing for Dr. Phil. Also, my Mom SWEARS she said “Oprah.” I think I’m going to cry.
7. I think that people who create Wal-Mart commercials …

Glad my Mom Babysits for Free

Monday, May 2nd, 2005

Evidence that there shouldn’t be wireless in the coffeeshop where I’m working on my book stuff:

To: SJ
From: Mollie Whatchu doin? Tom + Katie = EWWWWW

To: Mollie
From: SJ i am holding the babyyy
katie + tom= fake publicity stunt. shes very privare as is he so the kisses in rome dont make sense.
i’ve thought about this too much. go to defamer dot com and there is MORE! MORE! MORE!

To: SJ
From: Mollie It’s creepy…she was like 6 or 7 when Top Gun came out. I mean, ew!!!
Couldn’t he have picked one a little closer to his age? jus a little?

To: Mollie
From: SJ i read she’s staying a virgin until marriage…which i wonder because she was engaged …

Glory Days, Yeah They’ll Pass You By

Sunday, May 1st, 2005

After a long day yesterday where The Hubs and I hardly spent any time together (Him playing games, me at the House of Pies) I thought we were going to spend time together today. Not too long into our day, we get a call from some college friends of ours who invite us over for a BBQ.

Before I say anything else, I must say that here in Texas, BBQ is a verb, not a noun.

I wasn’t really in the mood to go, not because I don’t like these people, because they are perfectly nice, but because I don’t feel like I have much in common with them. You know, we all graduated and moved on and we had babies …


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