Archive for April, 2005

Jaws on the floor

Friday, April 29th, 2005

Okay. I had to post this. I am in SHOCK. Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise ARE DATING.

Back to your regularly scheduled blogging.

Mere Christianity

Friday, April 29th, 2005

I was talking to a very wonderful blogger yesterday and we were discussing how people seem to think they know you from what you write on the internet. I’m sure I am guilty of this crime as well. You read someone’s thoughts every day, read about their struggles and form your own opinion on this person and his or her life.

What is easy for all of us to forget is that you don’t read everything. Some people share everything, but I’m not like that. Most things I write about fall into two categories: It is entertaining/funny/a good story to share or it is something that is so pressing on my mind that I HAVE to write about it in order …

To Catch A Thief

Wednesday, April 27th, 2005

The first rule of Depression Club is that you don’t talk about Depression Club.

The second rule of Depression Club: When you have Depression Club meeting time, it is good to go to Borders.

The Sarcastic Journalist gets depressed and goes to Borders Bookstore. Hilarity does not ensue, although a crime does.

So today, hoping to stop the vicious cycle going on in my head, I decide to get up and go to the bookstore. I have a Border’s gift certificate so I planned on having book buying time.

Things are okay until I get upstairs and am walking around, looking for something to do. I stop and read some of the sex books, looking for pictures because I’m all about pictures of good …


Wednesday, April 27th, 2005

Just because I don’t like making plans and having no one show and I’m not a fan of getting stood up, Please let me know if you are planning on coming to the House of Pies this Saturday at 3pm to play with me and whoever else shows up.

I’m opening up comments for this one so everyone will play along.

Thank you. This is the end of the post that forgot how to use punctuation.

The Vagina Plight of Womankind

Tuesday, April 26th, 2005

Somewhere today, in between the cramping and the crawling and the sweeping the baby mouth for objects that do not belong there (For those of you keeping track, today we had tape, a stem, a leaf, some carpet fiber and waxy rutabaga skin) I thought to myself how tired I was.

Sure, last night’s Teething Hell 2005 was fun. Really fun. So fun, in fact, that I wanted to call each and every one of you at 2am and discuss all the fun I was having.

No, I was just TIRED. Still am.

You Moms (and Dads) who stay home know what I’m talking about. I’m sure those of you who also work know as well, but since I’m feeling a little, …

Reasonably Unreasonable

Tuesday, April 26th, 2005

I think the fun part of being a woman is coming up with unreasonable expectations for yourself. When I was younger, I read a book about puberty and growing up that told me that I should be able to put my hands around my waist and have my fingers touch.

Just so you realize, I can not put my hands around my child’s waist and have my fingers touch. Hurray for people who write completely outlandish books that screw up little girls’ minds that make them think they will never be thin enough! Everyone should think they are fat at the age of NINE!

You may remember, recently, how I became infuriated with my body due to the fact that it didn’t …

This Shirt Doesn’t Suck

Monday, April 25th, 2005

When you put your writings on the Internet, a lot of crazy things can happen. Certain family members can find you. They might send you questionable emails threatening to tell Mom and Dad. Sometimes these people harrass you upon reading your site.

Other times the ladies at the Preschool or the Moms Club may not like the fact that you use the “F” word and like to do your husband doggy style.

(Note to readers: I am not implying that Melissa does her husband doggy style. I do not know about her bedroom practices, though I am sure by his Metrosexual prowess and her cuteness that there are plenty of practices going on.)

Anyway, as some of you people may or …

History’s Mystery

Monday, April 25th, 2005

Every couple of months or so, I have to bring Miss E to the doctor so they can do her “well baby” checkup. For me, this means dressing and undressing my child and trying to change her diaper with the mobility of a stealth bomber while hoping she doesn’t fall off the exam table or ingest needles when I’m not looking.

How’s that for a run on sentence?

Anyway, each visit, my doctor, a very nice lady who oddly enough looks like my Mom, tells us things that should be happening. Things such as “you should start feeding the baby food…but not junk food.”

This most recent visit had her telling me that it was time to start the Sippy Cup. “Okay!” I …

When hearts get broken, its real tears that fall

Saturday, April 23rd, 2005

Today, as we were driving home from a picnic in the park, I saw some types of bugs flying around. I didn’t know what they were until my husband informed me that they were, in fact, termites. Let’s just say I was less than thrilled with the fact that I was surrounded by flying termites.

We stopped at a light and all of a sudden, I found the termites on me. I screamed and tried to get them off me, but it seemed to no avail. Every time I got one out the window, another took its place. I thought to myself “Why don’t I just close the window?”

But, I didn’t want to. You see, it was a beautiful day today, …

2 minutes, 2 days, 2 weeks

Wednesday, April 20th, 2005

This is not a goodbye. This is just to say that I need to figure a couple of things out before I continue on with this. I may be gone for two minutes, two days or two weeks, but I’ve got to step back for a second.

I’ll be back soon.

Even Clowns Cry on the Inside

Wednesday, April 20th, 2005

I am about to write another post I will regret in a few minutes. I’ve held off from writing this post for awhile, kept telling myself its okay and that I don’t need to write it.

I’m hoping that writing will get it out of my mind. Perhaps some of you feel the same way I do and that will help me. This is therapy. This will help me.

I starting to realize that at times, I’m barely hanging on by a thread here.

I don’t know what is wrong with me. Why I feel the way I do. Why am I sad? Why am I frustrated? Why can’t I just fucking buck up and act like a happy little camper?

This happened to …

I’m not racist because, see, I totally wanted the Black Pope!

Tuesday, April 19th, 2005

The feeling of grief overwhelmes me. I sit in a coffee shop on a Tuesday afternoon, something that should excite me. It is, afterall, the first time I have ever been away from The Baby on a weekday doing something that didn’t have to do with my boobs, cooter or craziness.

Instead, I feel the tightening in my throat and the nausea waves in my stomach. It isn’t a pregnancy, no, I “checked” again this morning after last night’s intense desire for a turkey leg boughten from a fair. I am not sure if boughten is a word but it is for this blog. It is my blog and I make up words as I so well please.

Also desired: BBQ potato …

Pee Squared

Tuesday, April 19th, 2005

Back when I found out I was pregnant, I remember thinking to myself that my world had come to an end. Who cares that it was going to become So Much Better than I ever imagined, a baby meant change and I just wasn’t good with change.

So I did something I’m completely ashamed of now as I love my daughter very much. I cried. And cried. I cried here and there and there and here and if you asked me how I felt I’d probably tell you the truth and make you think how horrible a person I was.

Anyway, one day, I got into our nice large shower and started crying. I sat on the bottom of the tub, the …

Poop Happens

Sunday, April 17th, 2005

Yesterday, as I sat at the dining room table, laughing at the cattiness over at the CBB, Miss E hung out in her play area a few feet away from me. I kept watch on her as she tried to figure out how to climb over the beanbags we use to keep her away from the rest of the house, also known as the Land Where Things Magically Disappear Into Her Mouth.

Then I heard a cry. Not just a normal “You stupid woman, let me play with knives!” cry, but a cry of pain. I rushed over to her, swooping her into my arms to comfort her. Then I smelled it: Poop.

We walked into the bathroom, where her changing …

What else do I write? I don’t have the right.

Friday, April 15th, 2005

Usually, right around Christmastime, I start thinking about years past and how they compare with the current year. What was I doing during Christmas in the past? What am I doing now? How is it different?

I now have a new day that I’ll probably stop and contemplate. One year ago tomorrow was the day I got fired. It happened on a Friday, however, so I’m going to say one year ago today.

I called The Hubs up at work and he didn’t seem to get the significance. He kind of chuckled and said “okay” as I explained How Important This Day Is!

April 16, 2004 was the first of many days where I honestly felt as if I couldn’t go on. I …

Letter to Brit

Thursday, April 14th, 2005

According to Corrie, you can send a congrats letter to Brit and K-Fed. Didn’t you hear? They’re having a “Cletus the Fetus!”

How exciting! That’s what the world needs, you know, more trailer trash babies.

So I went and wrote a letter. Hopefully all my pregnancy and lots of money jealousy didn’t seep through.

Dear B and K,

Ha! BK! Burger King! Get it? I know you are a Doritos type of gal, but I have a feeling you know Burger King. I bet you can’t wait to bring little Cletus to McDonalds for his first happy meal. I’m jealous! Well, I’m sure the Nanny will enjoy it and hopefully you’ll throw in some change for her to buy a McFlurry. K, man, good …

27 Pee Tests at a Typewriter Can’t be Wrong!

Thursday, April 14th, 2005

I remember hearing from women who would go on and on about how much they “loved being pregnant!” They’d sit there, a far off look in their eyes as they thought about expanding bellies and dark nipples.

I didn’t exactly consider myself to be a “good” pregnant person. Sure, there were plenty of outside influences on my pregnancy that made it less than ideal. Overall, I didn’t lay around, rubbing my belly, saying “I could be like this forever.” Instead I counted down the weeks until it was over and done with.

Obviously, nine months later, my body still remembers that.

Since other people were capable of getting knocked up for the second time, I assumed it would happen to me as well. …

Dr. Quack

Wednesday, April 13th, 2005

If it loos like a duck, quacks like a duck and says “hello my name is Duck,” it is safe to say it is actually a monkey.

SJ goes to a chiropractor, hilarity does not ensue.

It seemed like a good idea at the time. You know, my child was crying or whining or looking cute, things that kids do, and I leaned down to pick the little bugger up. At that moment, I realized not all was “right” in my right shoulder.

I had pain. All over. Damn it all to h e double hockeysticks, I pinched a freakin’ nerve.

So I do what I’ve always done with a pinched nerve. I call a chiro. Only problem is that every time I’ve pinched …

Ellie’s Ninth Month

Wednesday, April 13th, 2005

Dear Ellie,

Yesterday, you turned nine months old. I meant to write something THEN, but let me teach you an important lesson: When you have a baby, things don’t always happen the way you want them to. Anyway, so you’ve been “out” as long as you were “in” and can I tell you that I enjoy you much more now that you aren’t taking residence up in my uterus?

Girl, I can’t tell you how much your Daddy and I love you. If I did, I don’t think you’d believe me. I have this love that is so deep, so primal, for you. I just want to snatch you up in my arms and gobble your little cheeks and kiss you …

Sign ups!

Tuesday, April 12th, 2005

Okay. Saturday, April 30, 2005. House of Pies. Houston. 3pm. Now we must decide which one. The one on Kirby isn’t exactly good for groups.

Okay. Who is in?

Get it while its hot

Tuesday, April 12th, 2005

Okay, I’m trying to get the 1st edition of Houston Normal Bloggers That Don’t Suck Meeting up and running and I need places to go.

I figured we’d do it on a Saturday, late afternoon/early evening in Houston. Somewhere were we could eat and or get a drink. Somewhere you can also bring a baby as Miss E wants to come.



Tuesday, April 12th, 2005

Hi! Would you like to hear about my vagina’s day? Today, my vagina woke up and it sat on the potty. I wiped my vagina very nicely and then covered it up with some underwear. Later on, my vagina got a bath where I used blue bodywash and a loofa.

My vagina is very clean.

What? You don’t want to hear about my vagina? Then why are you so up in my vagina’s business?

Basically, to make a long story short, Target had a maternity tshirt that said “An epidural is in my near future.” Then some women got all mad because it is SOOOO irresponsible and bad and all of us who have epidurals are going to have mutant babies and …

Fecal Matters

Monday, April 11th, 2005

When it comes to beauty, there’s just some things a guy can’t understand. The Hubs, for example, totally freaks out when I use conditioner if my shaving cream runs out. How dare I put something that belongs on the hair on my head on the hair on my legs?

Oh my gosh! Someone alert the village elders!

I did something this week, something I read about in one of those beauty magazines that I shouldn’t admit I read but I do. I had a “boo boo” on my cheek. A big, red booboo that just sat there, laughing at me. I woke up, went into the hall closet, pulled out the Preparation H and brought it into the bathroom.

I pulled out …

Can’t leave it up

Monday, April 11th, 2005

Okay. I’ve calmed down. I’ve napped. A funny thing happens when I write on here. I put it down and a few minutes later, I don’t remember what I wrote. I guess I’ll have to go back and see.

I think what is happening is mental and emotional, not physical. That means, I don’t feel the need to get a job though I can understand why someone would say that. I have been making efforts to get out and Play with and talk to people so that’s good. Doing stuff like that isn’t easy for me as I am a recluse. But I’ve enjoyed the friendships and I know they’re good to have.

Taking care of a little one can be very …

The concerns of nobody

Monday, April 11th, 2005

To Whom It May Concern:

I can’t even write this. I want to write it, to tell you how I feel. I keep changing tenses in my head, keep repeating things I want to say over and over. They don’t make sense. This is written to one hundred different people but I don’t feel like separating it.

I will just tell you and you can sort through my stream of thoughts and make sense of it that way.

I feel anxious. Would you like to come over so I can yell at you? I haven’t had an ourburst since yesterday. Isn’t that too long? Isn’t it time that I get grumpy and call you a “dumbass” because your cell phone isn’t working? …

Would you like to join the Tijuana Yacht Club?

Saturday, April 9th, 2005

People always told me that I was an inquisitive little kid. My grandma used to tell a story that I asked if I could take an escalator to Heaven so I could see my sister. Damn, I was so cute that I want to make myself vomit.

Anyway, why is the sky blue, where are those police cars going, why are they doing road work…the list could go on and on. One question I don’t think I ever asked was “Where do babies come from?”

Well, dumbass, everyone knows that babies come from the stork. At least everyone who saw Dumbo.

I recently had a quick email exchange with MollieBee that reminded me of something I used to say a lot.

Mollie: We …

I play with my axe wound at the park

Friday, April 8th, 2005

I get a call this morning from The Hubs, who asks if I want to go eat lunch with him and some of his coworkers. I oblige and at 11:15, Miss E and I arrive, fake Cheerios in hand.

Anyway, there’s not much to tell of the lunch but I thought I’d share a little conversation that had me in tears (the good kind) by the end.

Fabulous Widow (to me): I’m going to cut you.
Me: I already have an axe wound.
Guy: Really? You do?
Me: Yeah.
Guy: I want to see it.
Me: You would, probably because you’ve never seen one before.
Everyone: Laughs.
Guy: I don’t get it. Where is your axe wound?

Okay, damn. It was much funnier in person, probably because I’m butchering this …

spam again

Friday, April 8th, 2005

Anyone have a good trackback spam plugin? I’ve put one in and it is NOT catching the trackbacks.

The Bloggies

Thursday, April 7th, 2005

You know what? We should have a blog get together one day. I always thought it would be fun to have a get-together where all the cool bloggers get together. How many times can I write get together? Turns out, a lot.

You know, they have those “political” bloggers get togethers and the techies but they don’t have enough for us “regular” people. Any time I meet someone who blogs, I get so excited because we can talk about blogging! And site meters! And lurkers!

I know there’s a bunch of us here in Houston. I can’t remember everyone right now because I just went on a long ass walk and my boobs are too tight in my damn bra. But, …

If I fertilize the grass, will it be greener?

Thursday, April 7th, 2005

The first time I went to my therapist, she pointed out that I had a “grass is always greener” syndrome. Somewhere along the way, I had convinced myself that if only X happened, then everything would be perfect.

If I have long hair, I need to cut it short. Short hair? Gotta grow it out.

Can you GUESS why we moved to North Carolina? Can you guess who decided that NC was THE place to be? Then, once we were in NC, I decided that all would be well if we bought a house. Can you guess who bought a house? When we lived in NC, sometimes The Hubs would point out that all of it was MY idea. And, every …

Karma Police…Arrest This Man

Wednesday, April 6th, 2005

Have you ever had a time where you were lost for words? For thoughts? I have so many thoughts and so many things I want to say, but at the same time I can’t.

Number one: There are things called “morals.” I don’t care what the fuck you say about “it is the internet…” but I have personally been lucky to deal with people who aren’t thieves. The site was a PERSONAL site. I didn’t “advertise” it on other people’s blogs. I didn’t link to it in blogexplosion. I had a domain name (that oddly enough, has been down for awhile and I just fixed) so my family could see the pictures (and for the birth) when I lived in NC …


Wednesday, April 6th, 2005

I am sick to my stomach. Someone has gone to my personal website (my family site) and has stolen all of my pregnancy photos. They are now passing them off on Flickr using a name that has SJ in it.

I feel sick. What the fuck is wrong with people?

Editor’s Note: I am going to need help from people who are In The Know about all things website related and html and stuff. I know that this is just one person but it has made me not trust ANYONE.

Cletus is one scary biatch

Tuesday, April 5th, 2005

Sometimes, when I get bored, I like to lurk around on messageboards. So, just now, I was lurking on a message board, reading the posts, when I saw something “odd.”

You see, these women on IVillage pay $$ to add “signatures” to their bulletin board posts. I guess the signatures can be of pictures or names or whatever they want. Most people have one or two of them, nothing much. (By the way, I do not have anything because I’m not paying money for something like that. And? I just don’t get it.) Anyway, there was one lady who had 37 SPECIAL SIGNATURES.

37. I started counting then got lost in the absurdity of them all and had to go back …

Foodie Foodicus

Tuesday, April 5th, 2005

I have this one cousin, we shall call this cousin Artificial Insemination Girl, whose mother never made her eat anything. This child, who is really an early teen now, is the most picky thing on the face of the Earth.

If I remember correctly, she doesn’t even like ice cream. In fact, her tastes were so weird that I’m not sure if she actually eats food. She probably eats grass or something odd like that. Her Mom never made her eat dinner or lunch and if she didn’t want to eat it, well, she didn’t have to.

Way to pick out a sperm donor, Auntie.

Anyway, tomorrow I am going out for lunch with Cas and her Pod. We live …

The Land Before Time

Tuesday, April 5th, 2005

Back in the day, during the time I refer to as “Before Baby” (What? There was a no baby time?) I enjoyed taking sleeping pills. Unisom, to be exact.

For those of you not in the know, taking a sleeping pill and then seeing how long you can stay awake while fighting the grog is totally fun. Usually, by the time I crashed into bed, I couldn’t tell you my address, middle name or the city I lived in. Good times.

I also tended to get really grumpy right before I crashed. I guess that whole drug-induced sleepiness does have its setbacks. In the almost 9 months since baby was born, I haven’t taken a Unisom even once.

For one reason, she …

The call…

Monday, April 4th, 2005

I’ve been doing some research these past few days. There are currently 250,000 women under the age of 40 in the US with breast cancer. Breast cancer is the leading cause of cancer death in women between 15-40. Many doctors (included one I visited) do not take a proactive approach to young women’s concern/pain due to their age. Oddly enough, breast cancer is more aggressive in younger women than older ones, making the five year survival rate drop.

Luckily, I won’t have to deal with it because it is benign. For those of you wondering, it is called Sclerosing adenosis.

Thank you all for your concern.

Like Mother Like Daughter

Monday, April 4th, 2005

Dear baby,

I’m glad you are learning new things such as how to pretend you are choking when we’re eating so we’ll look at you. That’ll come in handy on dates when your boyfriend is busy talking on his cell phone.

However, I have a feeling your newest trick might also come in handy on dates and that Freaks Me Out. Today, I looked in your room while you were taking a nap. You were on your belly in the fetal position, little butt in the air. I can’t see your diaper. I tiptoe in and what do you know? Sometime during your nap, you woke up, took off your diaper and threw it out of the crib.

Now you are naked. Sleeping …

Totally innappropriate, part 2, 765

Sunday, April 3rd, 2005

Just got off the phone with Mom. Here’s the last part of our conversation.

Mom: “Where’s a good Mexican restaurant?”

Me: “Um, there’s Guadalajara.”

Mom: “No.”

Me: “Okay, well there’s that one over behind the McDonalds we went to a few times.”

Mom: “……..”

Me: “Past Rayford Road. In Oak Ridge.”

Mom: “……….”

Me: “It’s next to Love Works.”

Mom: “Oh! That place! Okay!”

Me: (Silent because I just gave directions to my Mom by referencing an Adult Store.)

Mom: “So, ever been in there?”

Me: “No.”

Mom: “You know, buy some edible panties?”

Me: “You’re disgusting. You’re my Mom.”

When the going gets tough, the tough stand in the shower

Saturday, April 2nd, 2005

I was fine until today. Really. I had managed, for the most part, not to think of all the tumor excitement. I managed to go out with my Mom, take naps and watch movies and exist.

Then, I was sitting in Ellie’s room with her, watching her climb all over The Hubs, and I pulled her into my lap to read a book. Then it hit me, like a cannon ball travelling at top speed, aimed right at my heart.

What if something is wrong?

I finished the book and went to take a shower. I shaved under my arms as the thoughts kept rolling in, thoughts telling me that something bad was going to happen and blah blah blah. I …

Event Planner

Friday, April 1st, 2005

There’s a question that people ask that absolutely drives me up the wall. “Is the glass half full, or half empty?”

Otherwise, are you an optimist or pessimist?

Well, it depends on if I’m thirsty or not. Am I in the desert? Have I just drank a large glass of something? Am I in the mood for something to drink? Do I even LIKE what is in the glass?

I don’t think I normally look at a glass and think if it is full or empty. Usually, I’m like “there is a glass with something in it.”

I think I have this take on life. I can’t honestly say if I am an optimist or pessimist, though those closer to me may say otherwise. …

My Flickr photos.