Archive for March, 2005

Luck of the draw

Thursday, March 31st, 2005

When it comes to my health, I am the Queen of all Weird Symptoms. If something odd that cannot be explained will happen, it will probably happen to me.

Back in 2000, I went on a mission trip to Kazkhastan. While there, I developed agonizing tendonitis in my right foot. But, that wasn’t the weird thing: Not long after I arrived home, I found myself faced with a happy little surprise.

Bloody poop.

The Hubs, who was known as The Boyfriend at the time, encouraged me to tell my Mom, The Nurse, that Old Mr. Redeye was really red now. She worked in an emergency room at the time and the consensus was that I needed to give them a sample. In other …

Jewish is as Jewish Does

Wednesday, March 30th, 2005

It turns out that when I have a glass of something to drink that I can become what my husband likes to call “a pest.”

A pest does the “running man” in the brownie isle of the grocery store. A pest plays blow on the baby’s belly instead of walking around with the grocery cart. It also turns out that a pest grabs her husband’s crotch when he is sitting at a stop light.

(Editor’s Note: He says I can do the running man. He says that grabbing his genitals while he is driving is pesty.)

Anyway, so we’re sitting at the stop light and he says something on the line of “I am fuh-” and stops himself.

“I am fuh-king stupid,” I say. …

Six degrees…

Wednesday, March 30th, 2005

This weekend I went to this person’s house where there were several other people sitting around the table, talking. Anyway, there was this guy there and he told me something very interesting.

His friend worked at one of the hotels here in town. Recently, the friend was going through their cancelled orders for some reason, when he came across a very interesting room order.

It was for a Mr. Scott Peterson from Modesto, California.

It seems as if Mr. Scott Peterson had planned on spending Dec. 24-27 (which was, by the way, the anniversary of Laci Peterson’s disappearance) here in town. Unfortunately, I can’t remember if this was for 2003 or 2004. The friend, finding this information very interesting, made …

Same, but different

Wednesday, March 30th, 2005

Before I met The Hubs, I wondered to myself what love would be like. I imagined it as a form of the love I had for my parents: This never ending love that you feel for someone, even if they do something bad that hurts you and makes you cry.

Once I met him, in 2000, I found out what love really is. It is this beautiful thing, something that can hardly be described in words; something that is better portrayed by a passing glimpse, a hand on a thigh, a gentle hug. Sure, someone else could glimpse at me or place their hand on my thigh, but not in the same way.

Nobody can love me like he does. …

It’s the end of the world as we know it!

Tuesday, March 29th, 2005

It seems as if Ellie has discovered food. Not just the food we put on her high chair, but the food that goes into our mouths. The Hubs recently told me that she screams every morning when he eats his breakfast. No matter what he does, the screams and pestering will persist until he gives her some of what he is eating.

My child now has a diet of Fake Cheerios and Light Yogurt. Go us!

Anyway, I solve this problem by never eating in front of the child. So hardly do I ever eat in front of her, that she will grow up and think that I am an anorexic because she has few memories of me shoveling food into my …

Not trying to be cryptic…

Tuesday, March 29th, 2005

Hey…if you can help out Jay in any way, please do. As a parent myself, I can only imagine what he is going through. Visit his site for more info.

Vagina Power

Tuesday, March 29th, 2005

I have a feeling that one day, Ellie is going to get in trouble for saying “Power to the vaginas” while at school. You see, I speak of the Vagina Power often. While changing her diaper. While talking to daddy. While sitting around on the living room floor, playing.

Power to the vaginas! The vaginas shall rule the Earth!

The Hubs once pointed out to me that all the doctors appointments I make are with female doctors. Since I am the one whose job it is to make these appointments, I get to choose who we shall go and see. Honestly, I don’t think we have a male doctor on our list and it really doesn’t bother me. I like to support …

Blog Valley Junior High

Monday, March 28th, 2005

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it a million times. The internet is like junior high. I’d say “high school” except I really didn’t come in contact with as stupid people then as I do now on the internet. The maturity level that I see on the internet is pretty much what I saw way back when I was 13.

You’ve got the cliques. You have the badmouthing. You have people acting immature because they are jealous of other people. You have people who gang up on other people and say nasty things that make people cry. People get harrassed. My personal favorite, however, is the complete inability to realize that everything is not about you.

Hey! Did you know …

Road trip!

Monday, March 28th, 2005

This weekend, before we went to The House of Pies, we made the trek down into Houston to go to a museum. Not just any museum, but a Contemporary Arts Museum, which meant that people could poop on a piece of paper and call it “art.”

Unfortunately for me, there was no poop on paper, but there were balls of horse hair that a sign said had something to do with black people.

Black people and horse hair. I don’t get it.

The deal is, and I have a feeling you aren’t surprised, is that I’m not one for art museums. I agreed to go to this one because of the hope of poop papers and that 1. it was free 2. it …

Roses really smell like poo poo poo

Saturday, March 26th, 2005

Dear Ellie,

In case you ever try to tell me that your “shit don’t stink,” I can officially say “Yes. It does.” I guess that teaches me to give you refried beans at a Mexican restaurant.

You are bidding on a Stich doll that may or may not be haunted.

Quick! You’re a Star!

Thursday, March 24th, 2005

Not long after we moved to North Carolina, we were standing in the furniture section of a Cost Plus when a guy approached us. He commented on The Hubs’ Texas A&M shirt and struck up a conversation. Turned out the guy was also from Texas and asked if we wanted to get coffee sometime.

Wanting to make new friends, we drove 30 or so minutes to go meet him for coffee at a Borders bookstore. Not long into the conversation, he starts talking about money. He asks me if I’d like to have a lot of money with a nice car and fancy clothes.

“No,” I say. “We’re not into superficial things like that.”

The guy turns and gives The Hubs …

Cooter Creams

Wednesday, March 23rd, 2005

Have you ever had a moment where you question everything you believe in and begin to wonder “what the heck am I doing here?”

I had that moment at 3:45 am CST. We had originally planned on letting “the baby” cry herself back to sleep when she wakes up at night. Unfortunately for us, “the baby’s” screams were louder than the walls were thick and we heard it. And ignored it. And she screamed louder. It got to the point where we had to do something because the screaming wasn’t stopping.

We decide to have a half-assed sleepy conversation that went something like this: “What do we do?”

Okay, so I’m stupid. I went and got her and had her in bed with …

Yogurt Magazine

Wednesday, March 23rd, 2005

It seems as if everyone keeps telling me about that book “French Women Don’t Get Fat.” Are you people trying to tell me something? Huh? It seems kind of odd that EVERYONE keeps mentioning it to me.

I swear, if all of you start telling me about the wonders of gastric bypass, we’re going to have some issues to work out.

Anyway, I was over at my grandparents house this week, dropping off food for their dinner (my treat!) and the book came up. My grandma told me that the book discussed yogurt and how you should eat it often. Well, its not going to happen because I hate yogurt. Instead, I feed it to the baby.

So my grandma says that the …

Doing it right.

Tuesday, March 22nd, 2005

I was on the phone with Y earlier today, when the subject of our husbands came up.

Gah, we’re two catty housewives bitchin’ about our men, aren’t we?

Anyway, I was telling her how I’m about the Worst Wife Ever. I was watching TV on Friday when I saw a show on husbands who don’t do anything around the house. You know, the wife is busy cooking and cleaning and popping out babies, and he’s busy drinking coffee and scratching his nuts.

The Hubs looked at me and said “It is the opposite for you, isn’t it? You got married and Bam! Everything gets done around the house!”

The Hubs cooks and cleans and brings out the trash. Sometimes, you know, I help. …

How to scare yourself shitless in 10 minutes

Tuesday, March 22nd, 2005

I’m antsy. I’m pacing. I’m bordering in a constant state between bad mood and total anxiety freak out. Why?

OhMyGoshIPutPictures OfMyKidOnTheInternet AndSomePsycho IsGoingToStealHer. Oh and MyBookStuffIsn’tFinished YetAndWe’veGotCompanyComing AndWhyTheHellCantIWriteToday?

Please, Internet. Don’t tell The Hubs that I decided to take a two hour nap instead of working on my book stuff because, really, I totally couldn’t write because I was tired and couldn’t think. Besides? My writing ability has been at level zero recently.

Wait. Shouldn’t I be working on the book thing instead of blogging? Oh yeah. Someone is going to come and steal my kid from me and I won’t need to write a book anyway.

So, I shall try to write now, even though I totally can’t because my hands are …

The Buck Stops Here

Tuesday, March 22nd, 2005

If you are going to make a blog and fill it full of lies about your so-called life, I want to give you a heads up.

First, if you are going to say that you are having a baby, then perhaps you should research the timeline when it comes to all things pregnant. If you are “due” with your baby on April 1st, I highly doubt it that you would find out you were pregnant via urine test on July 10th. Especially if you said you did the deed on the 4th.

Wow! I mean, most women have to wait a month or so to find out they are pregnant, but you find out within a matter of days? AWESOME! You …

For Ty!

Monday, March 21st, 2005

http://www.flickr.com/photos/shenuts/7055775/

Photographic Evidence that my boobies are a bit smallerish.

Haulin’ Boulders

Monday, March 21st, 2005

Yesterday I went to the store. But, I didn’t just walk around the store like I normally do. No, I strutted around the store. Hips moving, head held high, boobies out. I thought to myself on several occassions that “I look great! I feel awesome! I’m hot!”

Why? Yesterday, for the first time in 17 months, I went running. We walked/ran for 45 minutes. So what does that mean? My boobies are little again!

I have little boobies! I’m now wearing a pre-pregnancy bra!

I forgot how great it was to run. I absolutely LOVE running. I’m back on my old trails, tearing up the pavement as I zip around town on my fast little feet. I kicked The Hubs’ ass, I’m …

Annie Get Your Gun!

Friday, March 18th, 2005

I’ve got a secret: I like to read the Celebrity Baby Blog. Well, that and I tend to wear socks more than once.

I like to read the site and look at the pictures and see who is pregnant and who is pretending to be pregnant. Sue me. Whatever. It’s a guilty pleasure. What bothers me about this blog are the “drive bys.”

You know, the women who think they know how everything should be and have no problem telling their opinion? You should only have a drug-free labor. You should breastfeed until age 27. You should name your child Billy Jim Bob Bubba and if you don’t, they are “disappointed” in you.

Michelle Branch is scared of labor? Well, she …

Do Not Mess With the White People

Friday, March 18th, 2005

When we bought a house in Durham, North Carolina, we bought a new home in one of those cookie cutter neighborhoods where everything looked the same: Two story with white or grey siding and one pear tree in the yard.

This neighborhood had a “home owners association” which we thought meant that the neighborhood would be kept in tip top shape. What this association really meant was that we paid $$ every month to a group that did nothing about all the idiots in our neighborhood who didn’t care that their houses/yards/driveways looked like shit.

I spent way too much time calling this association and complaining about all the idiots who felt it was okay to leave cardboard boxes out in their …

My lovely bone.

Friday, March 18th, 2005

I have a little lesson for all you single people out there looking for a mate. When you are looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with, there’s something you probably haven’t considered. When you are snuggling up to Mr. or Miss Wonderful, ask yourself “Could I spend the rest of my life having the same argument/discussion over and over with this person?”

Because, people, you will have the same disagreement with this person, forever and ever, amen.

Every night, we get into bed and The Hubs turns the fan onto high. I start to whine and tell him how the fan is making me cold and yadda yadda yadda. He then says that the fan can’t possibly …

Eggs in a basket

Thursday, March 17th, 2005

This morning, like every morning, I thought about what I planned on writing as I went about my daily business. Bored and unable to think of anything that didn’t have to do with poop, I packed up the baby and headed out.

We get about two stoplights away when it hit me: I will write about Politically Correct People and how they drive me nuts. As I think more and more about this topic, I find myself becoming very agitated. I thought about certain PC people and had a feeling the post would use the words “fuck” and “fucking” more than my average post.

Then I went into the bookstore.

For me, as a writer, going into a bookstore is like a …

Questions

Wednesday, March 16th, 2005

I think that when people become new parents, they may not prepare for the questions. Sure there are questions such as breast or bottle? Schedule or just let the baby do whatever? There are books to answer those questions.

They don’t tell you about the other questions. What if you fall asleep when you put your baby in her crib for a nap and wake up 40 minutes later to crying? Did the baby fall asleep? Has she been up and is now just doing her random crying thing?

What if the baby poops during the middle of a nap and wakes up? They don’t tell you about the nap pooping in the damn books!

How much carpet fiber/random bits on the …

Loaded Weapon

Wednesday, March 16th, 2005

Ladies, have you ever gone to the emergency room/doctor’s office with vomiting and had to get a blood test? Have you ever gone with vomiting even though you have never had sex and had to get the blood test because too many stupid people conceal their pregnancies???

I have. It sucks. I’ve even gone so far as to tell the doctor “Unless I’m the Virgin Mary and this is the baby Jesus, I doubt I am pregnant.”

Well, we can all thank people like this lady for the fun blood test experience.

Now, she went to the emergency room with “cramps.” A few hours later, she had a 5 pound, 14 ounce baby.

I personally believe that it is IMPOSSIBLE to go to full …

It’s not me, it’s you.

Tuesday, March 15th, 2005

When I was younger, I invited a bunch of my classmates over for a little get together. To make a long story short: Nobody showed. I was 11, kind of chubby with a Southern accent. I lived here in The Whitelands, a place where kids are not known for being very “nice.”

Now that I’m back in The Whitelands, it would seem as if I’d fit in well. I have a kid! I’m a stay at home Mom! I bought my jeans from The Gap! I love The Gap!

I bypass Wal-Mart for Target and I shop at the “fun” grocery store. But…one problem. We don’t have lots and lots of money. We buy “off brands” and Ellie’s clothes were all gifts. …

I’m the best plucker here!

Tuesday, March 15th, 2005

If childrens shows were still like this, I’d happily let Ellie watch.

The Art of Makin’ Bacon

Tuesday, March 15th, 2005

Recently, I was on the phone with my Mom when she mentioned the fact that she had traded in her SUV for a different model. Somehow, during this conversation, she hinted to the fact that it would have room for grandkids.

“It will be able to fit both you and The Hubs with room for two car seats!”

Well…let’s see. We only have the need for one car seat right now. Why would she want another one? Oh! She wants another grandchild!

I get it.

The decision when and if to procreate is a very personal one. Not as personal is the “where” factor as shown to us by the two people dry humping by our pool last week. But, deciding whether or …

And you thought I might write about something interesting…

Monday, March 14th, 2005

When I used to work in an office and sit at a desk inside of a cubicle, I wanted nothing more than to stay at home all day. Now I do.

I’m going to tell you the truth. I like staying at home. I think that it is imprinted in my genes that I do not do well in a work-related environment. I hate work, plain and simple. That is why, when I grow up, I’m going to be a writer.

Woo-hoo!

Anyway, now that I stay at home all day, I have to come up with things to do. You see, sometimes I complain about getting bored. Well meaning people try to tell me to come up with a hobby, but it …

Letter

Monday, March 14th, 2005

Dear women in the Oprah audience,

I’d first like to say hello since anytime Oprah says “hello” to you,
you start screaming like a gaggle of wild banshees. You make it seem
as if your life, including marriage, baby making and jobs, has meant
nothing up until this point when Oprah walked down a hallway and said “hello” to you. The screaming is mildly annoying but even more so is the fact that Oprah likes to reply “I’m just doing my job. I should come to your work and cheer for you.”

How can you feel like your life is so trivial? What about that drunken
night with that frat guy back in 1996, when you downed Jello …

Why yes, I have a vagina. Thank you for calling it out.

Saturday, March 12th, 2005

Not long after Ellie was born, I came up with the thought to write a parenting book. It seemed like a good idea, you know, because I like writing, I’m a parent and well, I like books.

So I came up with a title and all the fancy things one needs to do to write a book. I recently spoke with someone about my book and she thought I could change it up a little to make it really stand out. She said that the title of the book would also need to change to go along with the new theme.

Yesterday afternoon, I went to my friendly local coffee shop to work on my book. A few mintues into it, I …

I’ll special your K

Friday, March 11th, 2005

Remember, back in the day, when you’d go out with a friend and perhaps someone would rehash what happened on the phone?

Then people spoke about what happened via email. Now? We rehash it over blogs. Awesome. Earlier this week we went out with Special K and The Merry Widow.

Then Special K saw that I wrote about him so he wrote about me. Yeah!! He forgot the part where he said I was neat and funny and totally cute. Admit it, Special K. Admit it.

You want to touch my boobies. Well, that’s not going to happen, but I’m more than happy to tell you about the stretching of the cooter again.

There’s nothing as cool as doing something …

Ellie Month Eight

Friday, March 11th, 2005

Hello Ellie!

So now you’re eight months old. Well, I have many things to tell you but instead I’ll just sum it up in three ways.

The Good: You’re now crawling. You’re such your own little person.
The Bad: This little person comes with teeth.
The Ugly: With the teeth come tantrums.

You started crawling on Valentines Day, so if you ever grow up and think how much Valentines Day sucks, just think that was the day you started crawling. Of course, you waited until I left the house to crawl. You crawled for Daddy and he says that you crawled towards the trash.

Since you have started crawling, you have been in everything. You’re under the table and in the closet and falling off …

Thank you internet for you have ruined me.

Friday, March 11th, 2005

I think that writing on this blog has ruined me. Words just come out of my mouth in “real life” that I’d normally censor but forget to censor because I’m used to the blog.

I’m on the phone with my Mom while I’m out running the errands today. I’m standing in the parking lot of the local grocery store when a certain person comes into our conversation.

Me: “Did you tell so and so that (this person) could suck my dick?”
Her: “No.”
Me: “Well you should have.”
Her: “When did you get a dick?”
Me: “I bought it at the store. We live in The Whitelands. You can get anything here.”
Her: “I could see you whapping that thing around.”
Me: “You know I would. I’m all …

Million dollar babies

Friday, March 11th, 2005

Yesterday, we went to playgroup. I’m not going to lie when I say I go for several reasons. First, it gets me out of the house. Second, Ellie loves to interact with the other babies (I call her a shark at these outings) and third, I’m going for my book.

I’m trying to keep an open mind at these things. Really. The only deal is, it seems as if they’ve all been best friends! forever and they aren’t really in the mood for a new member in the group. I’m trying. I even tried to get everyone talking by asking what they did before they became professional butt wipers.

I tried.

Anyway, so we’re sitting there and everyone was talking about how they …

You were meant for me and I was meant for you.

Thursday, March 10th, 2005

Yesterday, I went to lunch with my friend. We will call her “Bree.” Anyway, Bree said the most wonderful thing to me. She said that she told her parents that she had never seen two people who were more meant for each other more than myself and The Hubs.

Awwwwww. Please wipe the vomit off your computer screen so you can continue reading this.

I think we are “meant” for each other because no one else could put up with either of us. Today, I got an email from my sister-in-law, Ands. Oops, I said her name.

Ands. Ands. Ands. Hi Ands.

Anyway, this email is a ticket confirmation that says she will be coming to visit us at the end of March. I …

Addiction

Thursday, March 10th, 2005

I think I’m addicted.

I’d rather do it than do other things that I enjoy. I think about it often. It interferes with my life.

I’m addicted to sleep.

When Ellie first came home from the hospital, I would jump out of bed if she started crying. Not wanting her to wake The Hubs, I would run to the living room to feed her, often staying up for hours because she didn’t feel the need to sleep.

Last night, Ellie decided to wake up twice. I’m not sure if it is the teething (the bottom two are coming in) or if she just wants to play. Either way, the child is up and screaming. Instead of running to her room to pick her …

And they allow me to procreate!

Wednesday, March 9th, 2005

The saying of the night:

“We both have whiskered biscuits, except her biscuit is not whiskered.”

spare change

Wednesday, March 9th, 2005

I’ve always found it odd that one is supposed to decide what she will do with her life at the age of 18. College or no? What to major? What classes to take?

I mean, gee, shouldn’t you know who you are and what you want to do with the rest of your life at age 18?

I sure as hell didn’t. I was like “uh, maybe I’ll be a circus freak?”

When I was 14, a “career test” at school told me I should be a farmer. Everyone else got to be doctors and teachers and PR people. I got to be a damn farmer.

If I’ve learned anything from this blog and from my therapy, I know who I am now. I …

Of blogs and blogging…

Wednesday, March 9th, 2005

Last night, I went out with Miss Fab and a new guy, who we shall call Special K.

Both Miss Fab and Special K are bloggers. Do you know how great it is to go out with people who like to do the same things you do? When nobody else understands why you spend your time writing on the internet, other bloggers understand.

Even better when you talk to other bloggers? Blogging gossip. You can get all the good gossip if you talk to the right people.

These people can understand what’s going on. It feels good. Y even called me last night to make sure I was okay.

Awesome.

I’m doing good today. Surprisingly. I do have a busy day ahead but will …

Always something.

Tuesday, March 8th, 2005

Fifties housewife day will not be happening today. At first, I planned on explaining how my grandpa had a stroke last night and I spent all night with him in the emergency room. (He’s doing okay, by the way. It seemed to be a small stroke.)

So I figured I’d just go about my daily business today and have 50s housewife day tomorrow. Then I got a comment on a post. I’ve been crying all morning and I just don’t feel like being a housewife right now.

Without going into too much detail, it turns out that some people I am related to decided to go through my archives. They took some things out of contex, totally misunderstood sarcasam in some places …

I’ll put a rub on your pot roast.

Monday, March 7th, 2005

Since I “outed” myself today as another bored housewife, tomorrow I will become the ultimate 50s housewife!

I will get up early and shower immediately instead of showering during naptime! I will fix myself breakfast, even if my teething child screams the entire time I do so! The bed? Consider it made.

The clothes? Dressed to the “nines.” I will match. I won’t wear jeans. I will go to the grocery store so I can make a fancy dinner for “my man.”

I will do what the 50s housewife never did, I will blog about it the entire time. Didn’t 50s housewives drink? Do I get to drink all day?

My new tagline: The Sarcastic Journalist…boring you with minute details.

The inner beast decides to blog

Monday, March 7th, 2005

Yesterday, I laid on the couch all day long. Every time The Hubs asked me what was wrong, I answered with “tired, frustrated and bored.” Tired: I wanted a nap. Frustrated: I felt like kicking butt. Bored: I was tired and frustrated with the same ol’ everyday.

After a day of the blahs, I went to bed. Usually, I wake up the next morning and everything is fine. I still feel the same way today. Perhaps not to the extreme as yesterday, but I feel tired and agitated.

You know something is wrong when you suggest having six babies so you can be on Extreme Home Makeover and get a big, fancy house.

Big fancy house? Excitement!

I think my hormones are …

Don’t ask, don’t tell.

Sunday, March 6th, 2005

When I started this website, I totally intended for it to stay anonymous. I liked it that way because then I could say whatever the hell I wanted and not have to answer to anyone. But then I got fired and, you know, I had to explain to my family what exactly I did to get myself canned.

So they knew about this site, but I don’t think they were reading.

Then I end up on the front page of The Washington Post and all of a sudden, EVERYONE I know from real life is reading my site. To tell the truth, I freaked. I thought about moving domains. I thought about censoring myself. I thought about throwing a tantrum where I …

Schmientology

Saturday, March 5th, 2005

Every time I read one of my magazines, I tell myself that I should blog about it. Now, I could write about how US Weekly called a pre-anorexic Jessica Simpson (have you SEEN her lately?) “flabby,” or Halle Berry’s obvious nose job….but instead….

“Tom Cruise, 42, has set up a tent stocked with literature and pamphlets on his controversial religion, Scientoloty, on the set of Steven Spielberg’s War of the Worlds, starring Tim Robbins, 46, and Dakota Fanning, 11. Cruise’s rep explained “It’s a gift from Tom to the crew.”

Hey Tom. No offense, but I think they’d much rather just have the money than eternal damnation.

But that’s just me. Some of them might of liked to have a massuse instead.

I didn’t plan on getting herpes for free…

Friday, March 4th, 2005

Dear Old Navy,

I know you’re busy keeping the prices low and stuff and I reallly appreciate it. My new capris? Totally awesome. More people should have blue pants.

Anyway, the dressing rooms. Today, I was in the dressing room with my kid. And, of course, the one time I didn’t bring her diaper bag with me, she got really pissed off. She was screaming and crying.

So I took her out of the stroller and put her on the ground. As I was across the room, trying to shimmy into my pants, I saw some stuff go from the floor to her mouth, via her grubby little hand.

I’m pretty sure that stuff wasn’t kosher, either.

Think about it. It will be hard …

Baby Jail

Friday, March 4th, 2005

So Martha Stewart is out of prison. She’s on home confinement in a massive 2 billion acre estate. Of course, it has been completely remodeled and she has a private chef coming in. She has “to stay in the house” except for going to work 48 hours a week.

So let me get this right. She can leave the house for 8 hours a day, 6 days a week. Is it me or does this sound like most normal people’s lives?

She’s on house arrest and she has more of a life than I do. I should go do some insider trading.

So my child is now mobile. When I say “mobile” please know that I mean “gets into anything and everything possible.”

She’s …

Lies!

Friday, March 4th, 2005

Dear teenage girls:

So your boyfriend says he “loves you” and that he thinks you are “special.” He calls you “pretty” and says how you’ll be “together forever.”

That is, you’ll be together forever as long as you boink him.

Don’t listen to the lie! If five teenage boys would have sex with this woman:

…then do you really believe he thinks you are “beautiful” and “special?” It is called self respect. I know it is hard to resist Johnny with his braces and acne-ridden skin. I’m sure his no ass is really hot, especially since his pants hang off it, exposing it for the bony rump it really is.

Because? Seriously? If he would do THAT, what does it make you?

I …

Prince Albert

Thursday, March 3rd, 2005

I love my husband. You should know that by now, but I really do. Yesterday, when I called him at work during my “I’m not going to LA now what the hell am I going to do” phase, he offered to come home. My beautiful, tall, wonderful husband offered to leave work because I was crying.

So, knowing me so well, he came up with an idea to cheer me up. The first part involved Mexican food and alcohol. Enchiladas and margaritas! With Miss Fabulous herself! The second part of his “Cheer My Wife Up Campaign” involved shopping.

Shopping! For me!

So today I went to do some retail therapy, a phrase that I’m not sure how I feel about. …

I’ve never been one for rejection

Wednesday, March 2nd, 2005

Praise Jesus! I’m healed! I’m HEALED!

While keeping up on all the media stories that ran the Washington Post story (so I can include their names in my book proposal,) I came across two negative things said about me and my site.

“Hey anonymous idiot! You’re fired!”
“…her blog changed after she got ‘popular.’”

The first one, I laughed. Anonymous Idiot. Hmm…pretty good. The second one, instead of getting all huffy and saying “What? What are you talking about!” I just went “of course it changed. I don’t have a job and I had a baby. What I write about is going to change.”

Even though the thought of making up some fake coworkers and bitching about them nonstop could be fun….I think I’ll stick …

The Truth.

Wednesday, March 2nd, 2005

I cried. I’ll admit it to you, Internet, I sat on the couch, baby in my lap, and cried. Like a baby.

No, it wasn’t the fact that I was not going to be “on tv,” even though that would have been fun. It was that it was something different, something new. Something I will not get to do now.

Every day, I wake up, drink a cup of coffee, play with the baby, put her down, take a shower, watch Sit and Be Fit and Dr. Phil and wait for 5pm to roll around so The Hubs will come home.

I seriously contemplate things such as “do I want to drink my Dr. Pepper now or later?” or if I …

Figures…

Wednesday, March 2nd, 2005

Please cancel all that was previously said. Thank you.

Not able to Believe.

Tuesday, March 1st, 2005

Earlier tonight, The Hubs and I went on our daily walk, when we got into an intense conversation. He said that I need to get out of the house more, that I need to stop being such an introvert. It seems as if my staying at home by myself is something he thinks I need to stop doing so much. Later on, as we entered the apartment complex, I mentioned how he has never been alone with Ellie for more than a few hours at a time. Ever.

“Well, fine,” he said. “Go somewhere and I’ll watch her!”
“I don’t have anywhere to go for 9 hours,” I said. “But I’ll find somewhere and I’ll go and you’ll have to watch …

Giveaway!

Tuesday, March 1st, 2005

Free to Good Home:

One baby, comes with two teeth.

Likes: Biting, kicking and long walks on the beach.
Dislikes: Naps, when you take the remote control away and empty bottles.

She can change the channel on the tv, eat things off the ground and crawl. She is adapt at pulling herself up on things and biting noses.

Mean Man Strikes Again

Tuesday, March 1st, 2005

I have an aunt, we will call her “Aunt Moody” because good grief, this woman is moody as hell, who was artificially inseminated. Now, Aunt Moody didn’t get AI because she was infertile or whatever reasons people go and do that type of thing. Aunt Moody did it because she wanted a baby, man or not.

I was ten when AM got pregnant and I remember her telling me to touch her belly. “No!” I shouted running away. “That’s gross!”

Anyway, up until recently, I wasn’t sure exactly how AI worked. For some reason, I thought you went to the sperm bank, picked out the spermies you wanted, went home and inserted them while sitting on the toilet.

Yes, I have a college …


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