Archive for February, 2005

Boring is as boring does

Monday, February 28th, 2005

Last night, I woke up about 2 in the morning, on my belly, safely tucked under my covers when it hit me: I had just dreamed about folding laundry.

Folding laundry?

In my groggy state, I thought to myself “how boring!” How boring can a person be to dream about doing household chores? What’s up on tonight’s dream schedule, cleaning the toilet?

I loaded the little one into the car today to head out to Borders Bookstore to use part of my Christmas gift card. And since I’m continuing my “boring” theme, I’ll tell you what I bought: Prep. ,

I know some people say “how can you stay home everyday? Don’t you get bored?” Well, sometimes I do. But honestly, I’m not as …

Oscar Round-Up SJ Style

Monday, February 28th, 2005

In case you didn’t watch the Oscars last night, I’m here to do a quick roundup.

Chris Rock: I’m black!

Hillary Skank: I’m just a girl from a trailer park.
Hillary Skank’s boobs: We’re just from a plastic surgeon’s office.

Clint Eastwood: I’m old but I’m still on the up and up.

Puff Daddy: I’m puffy. I’m everywhere. I’m also annoying. And? I mispronounce words at the ACADEMY AWARDS.

Beyonce: If there were an award for everexposed music whore, I’d totally win.

Johnny Depp: I’m too sexy for a stylist.

A small random order

Sunday, February 27th, 2005

I’ve been sitting around, trying to think of something to post. A tidbit will come to mind, then another one will hit me while I sit on the couch. However, after much thought, I decided none of them are actually worth writing about.

Instead, I’ll entertain with a few random thoughts from the mind of yours truly.

1. While sitting at church this morning, I could not stop staring at the guy in front of us. He had dandruff. I wanted nothing more than to brush the white flakes off his collar. Why didn’t his wife tell him he had dandruff? Oh yeah, because her curly haired son also used a straightening iron on his hair. This family was a “hair don’t.”

2. …

Boobs of Titanic Proportions

Friday, February 25th, 2005

I have always worn a two-piece bathing suit, except for when I HAD to wear a one piece in lifeguard training class. The funny thing is that I’ve always been self conscious of my belly as it is a little flabby. Basically, to put it nicely, I gain weight in the middle.

I am also self conscious of my boobies. Pregnancy and boob feeding have only made my boob paranoia grow worse. It is hard to find shirts that fit. My old bathing suits? Forget about it.

So I went online and bought a bathing suit. A red one piece halter-style bathing suit from J Crew. It was, however, on sale so I couldn’t return it.

No biggie, I thought. It had …

Doggy Do What?

Friday, February 25th, 2005

As I stood on the edge of the kitchen at “playgroup” yesterday, a lady with a 3-month-old commented on Ellie’s crawling skills.

“Yeah, it’s kind of like having a dog,” I say as I pop a piece of bread into my mouth. She gave me a polite smile and wandered off into the kitchen, leaving me and my dog-child to ponder my parenting abilities.

Yesterday, my kid pooped her diaper. Then it leaked. However, The Hubs didn’t realize that the diaper had leaked, and ended up dragging her bottom across the ground. We had a line of poop across our living room rug.

Mmmm…smeared baby poop.

The kid is constantly finding things like twist ties and putting them into her mouth. She’s …

My boob wants a playgroup.

Thursday, February 24th, 2005

Turns out B Day was really just PGOTBADAU Day. PGOTBADAU= Put goop on the boob and do an ultrasound.

No needle! No biopsy today! Can I get an “Amen?”

Anyway, this morning I sat around for what seemed like ever, watching fuzzy Matlock and Little House on the Prarie, before leaving to go to playgroup.

When I got to this playgroup for people with babies under one, I recognized a girl there. “Did you graduate from (XXX School)? Go to A&M? Live in North Carolina?” Then it hit me. She worked at the country club with me when I was 17 and she was in college.

Let me put it this way: She was a big flirty gossip that I was friendly with …

pimping

Thursday, February 24th, 2005

If I were a Scientologist, I’d totally be a famous actor by now. Why? I have now turned three people on to blogging. THREE! And those three? I’m sure have turned other people on. (Turned people on? Nasty!)

(It’s like that STD ad that says “and she slept with two people and he slept with two people and she slept with two people so you’ve slept with 5,769 people! You slut!")

The newest member of the “I know SJ in real life and I think she’s damn fabulous” club is the The Merry Widow. You read it right. She’s a widow and she’s also fabulous. Whether or not she is more fabulous than me has yet to be determined.

I call her “Corvette.” …

Ring ring…

Thursday, February 24th, 2005

I could spend all day thinking about prank calling people on Paris Hilton’s phone book. But…I’ve got a baby and well, the numbers probably have been changed anyway.

I also found out that she likes to take naked pictures of herself with her T-mobile sidekick. I was about to call it a phone, but then I realized I wasn’t sure what a Sidekick was, so instead I’ll just advertise it on here for FREE!

Start your searches here and click on the fun “I take naked pictures of myself” links.

The best part, however, are the emails between Paris and Lindsay Lohan discussing Jessica Simpson doing blow in a bathroom. Because gossip? Is so funny, especially when it is about rich skinny …

B-Day

Wednesday, February 23rd, 2005

Guess what day Thursday is?

If you guessed possible biopsy day, you are RIGHT! Congrats. You get a needle in the boob as well.

Oh so quiet…

Wednesday, February 23rd, 2005

I never realized how boring I can be until I stayed at home all day without tv. I’m telling you, I’m going crazy. The baby? Is screaming. The house? Is quiet. My email? Gets checked every ten seconds.

I’m having Dr. Phil and Sit and Be Fit withdrawls.

Last night we played Scrabble. But we played the 2005 version, which meant we had Google on hand. Did you know you can come up with a word using the most random letters with google?

I won, thank you very much. Wait. What’s that sound? It is the sound of this blog entry going down the tube as all my collective readers opt to go read something interesting.

So, since I’ve pretty much lost my …

Think twice.

Tuesday, February 22nd, 2005

Why we do not double cross the Shenuts:

If you tell me that you “have to go work” instead of talking to me on the phone about how to fix the cable situation, be prepared that I will retaliate by playing Baby Barber Shop.

You hate it when I cut her hair? I HATE IT WHEN I DON’T HAVE TV.

Darn it all to heck!

Tuesday, February 22nd, 2005

The Baby is finally starting to babble. Usually we hear strings of “bah bah bah” but today there was a “mah mah” in there. Of course I decided she was saying “mama” and she loves me very, very much!

It seems as if “Some People” think we need to “watch our language” in front of the baby. I guess they think using the F-bomb is wrong as is all the other fun four-letter words that have dotted my vocabulary since I was 12.

In case you didn’t know, it has been said that I have a mouth like a drunken sailor. Personally, I believe that a drunken sailor might say “Arrrrr, maties” a little more than I do.

Wait. That’s a pirate.

I don’t …

The red pill or the blue one?

Monday, February 21st, 2005

I’m sitting here, curled up at the table, trying to think of a play on words for the word “wean.” I can’t think of one.

In case you didn’t know, I am growing tired of pumping the boob. And when I say I’m growing tired, I mean that I really would like to wear normal bras and have a chest that isn’t of mammoth proportions.

It seems simple: Either I pump or I don’t. Shit or get off the pot, as I once heard it put. Simple enough. When you gotta poo, you’ve gotta poo. Sometimes you don’t.

And sometimes you are constipated and want to poo but can’t.

I’m boob constipated. I can’t decide what to do.

The funny thing is, I used …

No blood on my hands.

Monday, February 21st, 2005

There are conspiracy theories for everything. We didn’t land on the moon. The government killed JFK. Who framed Roger Rabbit?

I’m adding a new one into the mix. The car industry and the car seat industry are in cahoots. They’re out to get us.

We do not own a big car. We own a Toyota Camry and it has served us well. We sit in the car, we hit the gas and the car takes us places. How ideal.

Then, yesterday, we pushed our luck. We went to Babies R US to buy Ellie a new car seat because, at 7 months, she was getting a little too big for her baby seat. We buy a “cheap” seat ($80! WTF?) and The Hubs …

Keeping Up Appearances

Sunday, February 20th, 2005

When I was a little girl, I had a variety of toys to play with: My Little Ponies, Barbie and Legos. Want to know what my favorite toy was? The toy I look back on, the toy I remember playing with?

Nail polish bottles.

I’ve always had an imagination. I loved playing with nail polish bottles, coming up with names and stories, playing for hours on end by myself. I think I turned out okay.

I just finished reading the Newsweek about “The Perfect Mother.” First off, I got very excited because this seemed very relevant to my book. There is no such thing as the perfect mother. Stop fooling yourself.

Then I thought about these women and I felt like kicking butt. Who …

…While The Screams Continue

Saturday, February 19th, 2005

Sometimes I read the blogs of people who are pregnant and I just want to type in their comment section YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE GETTING YOURSELF INTO.

No offense to you pregnant people because, probably, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE GETTING YOURSELF INTO. Sure, there’s the onesies and the diapers and crib bumpers and diaper bags. Then there’s the crying.

Let me repeat myself. There is crying. Lots of it.

You cry, the people around you in nice places cry when they see you coming in with the baby, but, most of all, the baby cries.

Hello, my name is SJ and my 7-month-old cries anytime she SEES the crib. Sure, we’ve gone through good phases where she would …

www.HaHaNotSoMuch.com

Friday, February 18th, 2005

It started so innocently. Ink for the printer. I must get ink for my printer so I can print things. Things! Beautiful things! On paper!

Printer paper!

Target had the ink and it even had the paper. But then? They had panties! Big, beautiful panties for my big, beautiful butt!

You see, my mediums just aren’t cutting it anymore. Sure, they fit but they don’t fit like underwear should fit. You should not be aware of your underwear at any time. For some reason, and I’m blaming it on the maternity underwear that were the most comfortable things in the world, my underwear were making my life miserable. I needed a size large. (This was a sad day to go up in size, …

You made me do it.

Friday, February 18th, 2005

Where the heck is everyone? This blog seems very quiet recently. I guess I need to go back to talking about my lack of libido (hi, DAD!) and then those 50+ comments will come up again.

Yes, you see that correct. My Dad reads my site. So does my Mom and every other family member and coworker of theirs, I’m sure.

It seems as if nobody can resist the Shenuts.

For the longest time, I tried to keep this anonymous. I still consider myself an “anonymous” blogger, even though most of you read about me in one of the newspapers and have seen my name and picture.

But, I don’t care. I’m anonymous. So when people I know in real life, people who …

Little Boobie People Must Shut UP

Friday, February 18th, 2005

Yesterday, I was watching Oprah and they were talking about how women can wear different clothes to make themselves look ten pounds thinner! I’m sitting there, watching the ladies look very nice in their new outfites, when the stupid little boobied British lady says “You should do the pencil test.”

The pencil test? According to the flat chested Brit, if you can hold a pencil under your boobs, well they’re sagging. I’m not sure what that had to do with clothes as Ellie started crying in her crib so I missed the next part of the show.

A pencil? A little pencil?

So, I did a test. What else can I hold under my boob?

A soap bottle.
A small candle holder.
A remote …

Fat Bastardette

Thursday, February 17th, 2005

I vaguely remember hearing something about hair growth during pregnancy. “Okay, so my hair will grow,” I thought to myself. I was trying to grow out my hair anyway so hair growth seemed like a positive thing.

Then I blinked and I had brown sideburns. And neck hair. Hello, my name is SJ and I had neck hair during my pregnancy.

I also had a hairy stomach. I had this cute belly and it was covered in hair. Dark black hair. I looked like a Hairy Beast.

Exhibit A:

I remember the day I noticed the neck hair growing in. It totally freaked me out because now I had stretch marks and neck hair and that’s just WRONG!

So I bleached it and all was …

Selfish grief

Wednesday, February 16th, 2005

Sometimes I hear people say “But I’ve never experienced a loss such as that before…” and it just irks me. I’m not annoyed with them; its almost as if I get mad and think “That’s not fair.”

I’ll hear it from someone in their twenties or thirties and I think to myself “How could you have gone this far in life without something happening that truly knocked you to your knees?”

There’s a part of me, an itty bitty little part, that tells me that I should be happy for them that nothing bad has ever happened. But then there is the rest of me, the jealous me, the tired me, the part of me that has experienced pain and grief so …

Here’s my thread, let’s hang.

Wednesday, February 16th, 2005

Time completely changes when one has a baby. Before the baby came, I remember sitting at work, banging my head against the desk. I’d look at the clock and think “I have been here for 10 whole minutes. Nine hours and fifty minutes to go.”

Days seemed to go on forever. Friday was as far away as Christmas.

Time has completely changed since Ellie came around. When she was first born, I adjusted to staying up in the middle of the night and got used to watching ABC World News Now at 4am. I look at these past seven months and wonder where the time went.

Sometimes I blink and it is Friday. Friday? Wasn’t it just Monday?

The Hubs has to …

SPW

Wednesday, February 16th, 2005

It’s self portrait Wednesday.

I’d like to call this one “Mommy is really tired and Daddy’s working late tonight.”

So Pavlovian…

Wednesday, February 16th, 2005

I have a weird reaction that I can only describe as similar to Pavlov’s Dogs.

Every time I watch “The View,” I have to go poop. Discuss amongst yourselves.

Come on everybody, let’s do the titty twist!

Wednesday, February 16th, 2005

It’s no secret that I’m not the biggest fan of breastfeeding. Since I have been a mostly exclusive “pumper” for seven months now, I don’t really have to deal with the hassles of having a baby to the breast.

Every once in awhile I try and put the baby to the boob, just to keep things interesting. We have a new problem on our hands when it comes to puting “the child to the breast.”

I think Ellie is trying to break my nipple off.

Sometimes she bites me. Other times she clamps on to my nipple and yanks her head back. She does what I call the “boob blow job,” where she opens her mouth and bounces her head forward and …

Get a room! With blinds!

Tuesday, February 15th, 2005

Once upon a time, I worked as a lifeguard at the snooty country club here in The Whitelands. Even though I hated the boringness that was lifeguarding, I became a people watcher. I could sit in my lawn chair, sunglasses on, watching the people in their bathing suits.

Half naked people that I got paid to watch? I was in Heaven.

I enjoyed the days when the young trophy wife with her inflated balloon fake boobies arrived in her thong. All the men from the golf shop would stop what they were doing and line the windows as she oiled herself up by the pool.

There was also a couple that were cheating on each other. I enjoyed watching them show up at …

touch me, take me to that other place

Tuesday, February 15th, 2005

If I had a theme song for today, U2 would be rocking on my balcony, belting out “It’s a beautiful day!” for everyone to hear. Perhaps Bono would nod at me while singing the lyrics, confirming what I already know.

It’s a beautiful day. Don’t let it get away.

80 degrees and sunny here in normally bland Houston. People are sunbathing at the pool, a view I have from my apartment balcony. The sky is blue, the trees are green…is it really February?

There’s this one blog that I’ve rediscovered recently, a blog that every time I read it, I feel that I need to pack up the family, put on a pretty dress and become a world traveller. I’d have …

Quick Class Participation Time, Query Letter Style

Tuesday, February 15th, 2005

Do you think it is “not funny” to include the fact that sometimes a mom wants to sneak a little drinky in (while the baby is asleep) in letters to literary agents?

It seems as if some people (read: Not parents) think that I’m telling everyone to be an alcoholic. Or then again, maybe I’m just too frazzled today and read too far into criticism.

So? Anyone? Bueller?

Don’t be jealous…

Tuesday, February 15th, 2005

My buddy Very Mom likes my horrible pictures, for some reason. So, she told me to try out Illustration Friday.

This week’s theme is “Flight.” Here’s my picture and for those of you wondering how I have such wonderful drawing skills, I’m self taught and use Paint.

Go figure…

Tuesday, February 15th, 2005

I’m around the baby nonstop. It is pretty safe to say that I’m usually around her 24 hours a day. Yesterday, I went to a local coffeeshop for 1.5 hours so I could clean up my book proposal.

During that 1.5 hours, one of the handful of times I have left the child since she was born, she learned to crawl.

My child waited until I left the house to figure out how to crawl. And what did she crawl for? Trash.

I’ve been spending all the time since I woke up pulling breast pump tubes and shoelaces out of her mouth.

Things will never be the same.

Bitter Sweet Changes

Monday, February 14th, 2005

It turns out that Friday was the last morning that I would get to sleep in with the baby laying next to me. Now, she never laid there peacefully, instead choosing to grab my hair and claw my face until I would get out of bed and bring her into the toy jungle that is our living room, but it was “sleep.”

All of that changed this morning when she crawled over the pillow barrier I set up for her and fell out of bed. She landed with a thud, one heard by the Hubs in the shower, and she promptly started crying.

I felt horrible. I let my baby fall out of bed.

But these things happen. She’s getting bigger, doing more …

Breastfeeding sucks.

Monday, February 14th, 2005

Today is Valentine’s Day. It is also the 5 year anniversary of me and my husband meeting! Anyway, Valentine’s Day is one of those days where you are supposed to act all sexy and put on pretty panties and eat chocolate off your lover’s navel.

We went to the mall yesterday to get The Hubs a pair of jeans. While he was crusing the sale racks, I walked over to the “unmentionables” section, even though I know I can’t wear anything there.

And what do I see? Pretty panties! Bras! Matching bras and panties! Right then and there, I got very annoyed and very tired of breastfeeding. I wanted to give it up, let the boobs shrink back down and buy some …

Forget Oscar, try the Hermie!

Sunday, February 13th, 2005

My husband is a very, very smart man. He has his Masters and works in the field of “research.” However, that being said, he speaks his own language and I’m not talking “geek speak,” which he does plenty.

We’re sitting here, I’m on the computer, he’s in the kitchen peeling an eggplant. The Grammys are on the television and he asks if it is the MTV Music Awards.

“No, it’s the Grammys,” I say while I continue typing.

“When are the Hermies?”

“What? The Hermies? What the heck are the Hermies? The Grammys are on tv.”

“You know. The T1000. The awards, they’re called the Hermies.”

“Uh, there are the Oscars.”

“No! The Hermies! They’re for movies.”

“You’re thinking of the Oscars.”

“Then what the hell …

Poop goes in the potty.

Sunday, February 13th, 2005

Since tomorrow is “Singles Awareness Day,” I mean, Valentines Day, I figure I will tell you about a “couples habit” that I find disgusting.

I have a friend, we’ll call her Betty Boob Job, who had a boyfriend that we will call Eric The Idiot. Betty Boob Job and Eric The Idiot were inseparable. You name it, they did it together…including pooping.

I remember when Betty Boob Job told me about this. “I made him poop in front of me,” she said. “Then I pooped in front of him.”

Okay, i’m all for togetherness, but pooping in front of each other? Isn’t there anything that is sacred in this world? Now The Husband and I will make comments such as “I need to …

Putting the adult in adult interaction

Friday, February 11th, 2005

Yesterday was the final day in my cake decorating class. A variety of people filled the class, including two high school students (sisters), and three stay at home Moms.

And then there was me.

The Hubs realized that I needed a cake even though “bringing a piece of cardboard I took a dump on” to class sounded so appetizing. I arrive at class 15 minutes late, a completely decorated grocery store cake in hand.

Everyone else has their “I made this from a box at home” cakes, perfectly iced, ready to go.

It just wasn’t my day yesterday. Icing bags kept busting, blue icing kept flying across the room. I dropped every tool possible on the floor and just couldn’t get my …

Don’t forget da baby!

Friday, February 11th, 2005

For those of you who don’t have an actual paper in front of you, Ellie is famous, too!

Click here.

Start 15 minutes now…

Friday, February 11th, 2005

It started out simply enough. Our internet service went out last night. I complained, whined but really? No big deal. I’ll just wait and the internet will come back up for me.

I go out to Chipolte for my 3rd free burrito this week with the Hubs and his friends. On the way home, I stop by the library to check my email. It turns out that Shenuts.com is banned at my library! I’m obscene!

I get annoyed and then visit other sites that use the “F” word and the word “vulva.” But shenuts? NOOOOOOOOOOO.

Then I happen to look at the news. And of course, I have bad luck. Very, very bad luck. The day that my internet doesn’t work is the …

What I learned from TV Today

Thursday, February 10th, 2005

Did you know that it is considered “Fabulous without a fortune” to set a table for a party (of 9) for $450? Well, Oprah says it is, so it must be true.

And all this time, I’ve been inviting people over for pizza and beer!

Desperate Housewife?

Thursday, February 10th, 2005

As I was leaving Chipolte today, free burrito in hand, I saw a group of three women with their young babies. My first thought was to run over to these women, plop down and start talking. However, since I don’t know them, I doubt that would work well.

Instead, as I left the restaurant, I thought about their conversation. I wonder if they are talking about how things “really” are?

I have good days and bad days. On the good days, I’m sitting there, looking at my beautiful baby, thinking about how lucky and happy I am. On my bad days? I think things. I think bad things, even though I know I shouldn’t think the bad things.

I’ll tell myself how …

Ellie Month Seven

Thursday, February 10th, 2005

Dear Ellie,

In a few days, you turn seven months old. I can’t believe that you are seven months old! I say that every month, but really, every month I’m just surprised at how big my little girl is becoming.

I guess that I’m coming to the realization that you aren’t always going to be itty bitty.

One morning, I woke up and you were next to me on your hands and knees, rocking back and forth. I totally thought it was a fluke until you continued to do it later on in the day. You still haven’t figured out how to crawl, even though we’ve tempted you with contraband like remote controls, my purse and dirty socks.

Yes, you like dirty …

Regarding Blogging and Unemployment

Thursday, February 10th, 2005

I’ve been giving some thought to this whole fired for blogging thing and I really feel like I haven’t “set this straight” with all of you.

So, since this blog has received attention from the press and other bloggers, I am going to set the matter straight and hopefully, in the process, clear some things up.

Number one. I know what I did was wrong. I said so in the interviews. I blogged from work and about work. Plain and simple. Anytime you are doing something “at work” that is not work related, you know you are doing something wrong. Now is it as wrong as what I did? Maybe, maybe not. Depends on the issue at hand. Blogging about your bosses …

How I know I really love you:

Wednesday, February 9th, 2005

You discuss a war board game (Axis and Allies) and you use the phrase “Can you imagine the implications of that?” and it makes me smile.

I smell the smelly smell of someone jealous….

Wednesday, February 9th, 2005

Idea to idiots of the world: If you are going to speak ill of me on your blog, please get your facts straight. I’m no longer eight months pregnant and I’m not exactly “twiddling my thumbs.” In fact, I’m not twiddling my toes because I’m more than happy to shove my foot up your ass.

Did you know I’m still steaming about it? Turns out that I wrote a story about it in May (so I could get some stinking freelance experience) and now it is FEBRUARY and that means that for all these months, I’ve been steaming about it.

I sit at home, every day, twiddling my thumbs and steaming. Just like the steaming piece of shit that you call …

Dumpster burrito

Tuesday, February 8th, 2005

You know that you’re desperate for “out to eat” food when you’ll wait for a baby to wake up from a nap, feed and change her, walk down 3 flights of stairs, put her into a car and then take her out and put her into a JOGGING STROLLER just so you can eat a burrito.

Not any burrito, but a free! burrito from Chipolte!

The fine folks at Chipolte sent out announcements for free burritos in the mail this past weekend. You got a white piece of paper that said “free burrito” on it and you could bring the paper in and someone would give you a free burrito!

With sour cream! And cheese! Cheese, glorious cheese!

So we got our free burrito …

The Perfect Mother?

Tuesday, February 8th, 2005

Some of you may not realize, but I’m busy trying to write a Parenting book.

Don’t laugh. Seriously. The deal is, I’m not writing a “Girlfriends Guide” or “What to Expect the First Year.” I’m writing a book on how it really is. The poop. The crying. The insanity.

Imagine my blog in a longer form. And written with a lot less typos.

Why do women feel they have to be perfect mothers? As I saw this morning on The View, you can dislike your job (well, except for me. I wasn’t allowed), you can dislike your husband, your house, but how dare you say you dislike something your children do?

That’s probably why Super Nanny and Nanny 911 are popular. We are all …

Special Education, alright.

Monday, February 7th, 2005

When I was in high school, I had a thing for Asian babies, little old men and dogs, in no particular order. In fact, if I could have had a farm for all things Asian baby/old men/dogs, I probably would have started one.

As I grew older, my love for little old men declined somewhat, I got my own baby who was not Asian and we had a dog that crapped on our floor.

Needless to say, I’m glad I didn’t start my farm.

We live in an uppity suburb of Houston, a magical place where all the White People live and drive around in their magical SUVs and talk on headset cell phones.

We also happen to live in an apartment, which …

The Power of Sports

Monday, February 7th, 2005

I had always considered my family to be the “do whatever you want” family. When I was in high school, my house was the one everyone wanted to go to because we could get away with murder.

Invited 32 girls over for a sleepover? NO PROBLEM!
Leave the house at 3am to throw ketchup covered maxi pads at some guy friends? SURE!
Invite 10 girls over at 8am for pancakes? WHY NOT?

When it came to college, however, my Mom went all Atilla The Hun on me. Started making all these rules about “not going to big colleges” and such. So my choice was between an all girls school in Missouri or Colorado Christian University.

Since I didn’t want to go to “lesbian school” (hey, …

Gold plated vacation

Monday, February 7th, 2005

Sometimes, I may have a “problem” which seems so trivial that I shouldn’t be allowed to call it a “problem.”

For example: Donald Trump’s problem might be “deciding” how much gold to use to decorate his mansion. A problem, but a stupid problem indeed.

My sister-in-law has an advanced internship at Disney World. I happen to LOVE Disney World. We went there on our Honeymoon and I went there several times as a child.

That being said, our financial situation doesn’t make it very easy for us to go to Disney World as it costs about 5 zillion dollars to get into the park.

The Husband decides that I should “get a break.” He wants to send me to Disney World this summer, that …

Thanking Heaven for my little girl…

Sunday, February 6th, 2005

I was about to write a post regarding losing weight and the incrediable amount of crap I’ve been eating but decided to do something different instead.

Thank Heaven for little girls!

Another reason why I love Google.

Sunday, February 6th, 2005

It has been a week since the NY Times article about “Parental self-absorption” known as “mommy blogs.”

In honor, I submit to you this link.

Thanks NewYorkish, you made a girl laugh.

Getting intimate…

Friday, February 4th, 2005

NOTE: If you are related to me, you better not read this. I swear. I will not speak to you again. There is a reason why this is an anonymous freakin’ blog.

My husband swears that TV, movies and magazines have ruined me. He says they have given me unreasonable expectations and that not everyone is “swinging from the ceiling” if you catch my drift.

Some people might have a low libido, meaning that they don’t want to “umm…” as often as they used to. That means that they still WANT to. But me? I call myself asexual. As in completely non-sexual.

It’s not the husband. The guy is hot and has a nice little booty. I love him dearly.

But me? I …

Welcome to my world.

Friday, February 4th, 2005

As I was lying in bed with Ellie a few minutes ago, I couldn’t stop thinking about The Muppet’s decision to go on hiatus.

First off, I really like her and have become friends with her so I don’t want to see a friend of mine get sucked back into “real life.”

But then it hit me. She wants to have a real life. She wants to leave all this to go out and experience a real life. She discussed how much time blogging and all that comes with it takes.

And I felt sad.

Am I wasting my time? It probably isn’t a surprise to many that I’ve thought about quitting blogging many times. Not because “someone is mean to …

Fleeting Fame

Friday, February 4th, 2005

I guess it’s good that the “No-it’s-not-dooce-media-whore” has been busy whoring him/herself out because some of it has landed in my lap.

Yes, the byproducts of someone else’s whorishness has landed in my lap. If you think about it, it could be a used condom or a baby.

But anyway, I’ve had several interviews recently. About the blog. None of them have run yet, so don’t worry about missing out on anything. But? Now? One of the interviewers WANTS A PICTURE OF ME!

They want a picture of me! And Ellie! And maybe The Hubs, who I have a feeling isn’t going to want to play along, and they want it THIS WEEKEND!

The funny thing is that I’ve told my Mom about these …

Sugar high!

Thursday, February 3rd, 2005

I knew there was a reason why “they” shouldn’t allow me in public.

Tonight, after much whining and moaning and complaining, I finally ponied up and went to cake decorating class. It isn’t that I didn’t want to go to cake decorating class, okay. I’m lying. I just didn’t want to go.

I wanted to watch The Apprentice.

Anyway, as I was saying, I ponied up and went to class. Tonight was clown cake decorating night. However, before we could decorate our cakes with clowns, we had to learn how to make flowers.

Making icing flowers is a multi step process. In fact, it takes so many steps that we learn it over THREE SEPARATE CLASSES. So tonight was step two night.

And …

I’d like to Venti my foot up your ass, thankyouverymuch.

Thursday, February 3rd, 2005

We were at the local Mervyn’s this past Monday, searching for a pair of jeans for The Hubs, when I saw something odd.

Hidden behind a freestanding sign and positioned next the escalator was a store directory. Only problem?

The directory had braille written on it. How in the heck would a blind person know to go behind a freestanding sign and touch the wall next to the escalator?

Why is there braille on drive up ATMs?

I have a theory about places of business. My theory is that you can tell if the business likes having customers with small children come in. First, they have a changing table in the restroom. You don’t know how many restaurants I have visited where …

Snickers

Thursday, February 3rd, 2005

I have something on me at all times. Sometimes I keep it in my pocket. Other times it is in my purse or tucked into my bra. I bring it running with me. I keep it near me at the pool or while I’m walking on the treadmill. I sleep with it next to my bed. Currently, it is sitting next to me on the couch, tucked between nail clippers and a remote control.

My chap stick.

Hello, my name is SJ and I am addicted to chap stick.

When I say addicted, I don’t mean “I like to have soft lips.” It goes so much beyone soft lips to the point where if I don’t have my chap stick, I feel panicky. …

Bless this mess

Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005

….Redesign again…..

The Naughty Book

Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005

EDITOR’S NOTE: I was getting ready to post this and then someone else does the same thing. Not too bad for a “fourth rate dooce wanna be.”

A couple of nights ago, my friends were here and we got on the topic of how CRAZY I am. Totally crazy, yo.

So I run to the bedroom and grab a book my sister-in-law gave me. This is the same sister in law who gave my baby the Kong in a Thong:

She gave us the book of Breasts. A children’s book devoted entirely to boobies! Boobs! Tits! Breasts!

And there is this one part of the book where I laugh every time I read it.

Babies love to be cuddled by their mothers.
And babies …

An entire post about the Oprah show.

Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005

I’m currently feeling a bit in the dumps about my writing slash book situation. I’d go into it a little more but “wah wah poor me tsunami victims.” Really, in the grand scheme of all things life, is my book conundrum important?

Oprah is on and she’s granting Debra Messing’s wishes.

I’m going to tell you a secret. It has become my “secret wish” to somehow make it onto Oprah. No, I’m not going to sit in the audience. I want to be one of the people on stage. A guest.

Every once in awhile, I go to Oprah’s web site and click on the “be on the show!” link. Look! She wants ME to be on the show! ME! Oprah …

Interesting…

Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005

I think having a 6-month-old is like having a dog, except I bet dogs don’t put their socks and their mouths and scream/shriek.

You are Not Your Job

Tuesday, February 1st, 2005

I remember watching a television/reality-type show about prostitutes. There was a lady who worked at a brothel and then would go home to her three kids and husband.

I remember thinking “If she works in a brothel, how did she have three kids with her husband?” Isn’t that kind of like bringing your work home?

A friend of mine told me last year how she and her husband would argue once he was off of work. It seemed as if he wanted time to “relax” after working and didn’t want to mess with the baby. The problem was, so did she.

When I worked at the newspaper, I would normally be able to come home from work and not have to worry about …

ew.

Tuesday, February 1st, 2005

EWWWWWWW.

An Internet Love Letter

Tuesday, February 1st, 2005

Dear Internet,

First, if you are here, reading this, I want to say “thank you.” I had another one of those moments this morning where I said “I hate all this, I just want to quit.” You see, I have moments like these a lot, moments where I convince myself it is not worth my time to play with this blog everyday.

Of course, I’m not going to quit, but it crossed my mind. All because of some stupid person who is throwing her own issues on me, making me doubt myself. That is what it is when people say something nasty to make me feel bad about myself: They’re taking what problems they have internally and are projecting them onto me.

To …

Motherhood…

Tuesday, February 1st, 2005

Photographic evidence why it is NOT OKAY to fall asleep while your child has her way with your boob.*

Later on, I woke up with a face covered in baby drool and her gnawing on my chin.

* There is NO NIPPLE in this picture. Seriously, people. Would I post a picture of my nipple? NO.


My Flickr photos.