Archive for January, 2005

If you sprinkle when you tinkle…

Monday, January 31st, 2005

While out to eat for the husband’s birthday dinner, I had to go “potty.” (Note: I didn’t have to take a “leak.” I’m such a Mom.) Being the type of person who doesn’t wet herself at the dinner table, I get up to go to the bathroom.

I bypass the first stall, even though I normally go in the first one. I walk to the second stall and see this:

I quickly walk past to the third stall and find this:

Who the heck drips period blood all over a toilet seat and LEAVES IT? Who pinches a loaf into a public toilet, wipes once and walks out? It seems to me that if you were unable to flush the toilet, you’d at …

Dear Kirstie,

Monday, January 31st, 2005

Dear Kirstie Alley,

Hey! How’s it going? So you’re making a comeback. You’ve got this new show in the works called “Fat Actress” and Oprah had NATE decorate your kitchen, even though you could totally afford it and he should have redecorated MY HOUSE but whatever.

Personally, I never thought you were gone. You did those Pier One commercials where you romped through the store, rubbing scented candles on your naughty bits. I thought “That Kirstie Alley looks pretty cool.”

Then, all of a sudden, you were back! Back! Here’s Kirstie on the cover of a tabloid! A tabloid! You know you’re cool when you’re on a tabloid! And there you are! They say you’re FAT! FAT!

And now you’re on those Jenny …

Kitchen Aid

Monday, January 31st, 2005

Yesterday, our friend, The Major Airline Pilot Who Pooped In a Bathtub, arrived in our apartment and made an observation."Wow, your kitchen is clean.”

You see, we have a problem with keeping the kitchen clean. And when I say “we,” please know that it means “I” as The Husband swears that the problem of the nasty kitchen rests on my shoulders.

Somehow, people are getting the idea that I’m not that clean.

Tonight, The Husband and I are going out to eat to celebrate his birthday. We are leaving Ellie at home under the care of two of my friends from high school. No biggie, you’re saying. “So what? People understand the concept of messy houses.”

The problem is that my friend, The Missionary, …

Happy birthday, sweetie!

Monday, January 31st, 2005

Today is the 26th birthday of my best friend, my husband and the father of my child!

You’ve already won me over, in spite of me. So don’t be alarmed that I fell head over feet.

October 2001

Don’t be surprised that I love you for all that you are. I couldn’t help it, it’s all your fault.

May 2002.

Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole. You’re so much braver than I give you credit for. That’s not lip service.

July 2004.

Happy birthday, bono! I love you more than you could ever imagine!

December 2004.

I’m so vain, I probably think this blog is about me.

Sunday, January 30th, 2005

Last night, I eagerly sat down at my computer and pulled up the New York Times story about blogging parents.

A few paragraphs into the story, I started to feel a little down. By the end of the story, I felt downright depressed. I wondered why I felt that way from reading a stupid newspaper story, when it hit me: The way this story is written, it is made to make blogging parents look dumb.

This reporter decided to pick and choose which aspects of the blogs to write about. Instead of saying how it keeps a lot of us sane, keeping us “in touch” with others who are going through the same thing, it made blogging parents look like …

Here in the real world, it’s not that easy at all….

Saturday, January 29th, 2005

Dear Grandma,

Hi! How are you? I’m sorry that I haven’t been able to call you for awhile, but I’ve been really busy. I recently moved in with six other “strangers” into this really cool house. It used to be an orphanage, but they kicked out all the orphans and put in a sweet hot tub and some funky rooms!

I didn’t know these people before hand, so we call ourself the “seven strangers.” We all even have jobs together! We work in Hollywood, at a movie company, as interns. We get paid a lot of money to do nothing though I’m not happy with my job. Grandma, I totally should have been the lead actress in this movie but instead they …

Welcome to your friendly neighborhood Woodlands super Walmart.

Saturday, January 29th, 2005

As I laid in the confines of my comfy king sized bed this morning, wearing my orange maternity tank top, with a baby grabbing handfuls of my hair, the husband and I discussed what we planned on doing that morning.

First a breakfast at a local French restaurant, where we could eat omlettes and sip coffee and feel young and suburban. I imagined cup after cup of coffee finding its way to my table, while my child played peacefully by herself and the husband and I discussed a variety of topics, only in a way two lovers can.

Well, I had two cups of coffee and the child played by herself. But we discussed blogging and bloggers and blogs. Yes, we …

Isn’t she lovely?

Friday, January 28th, 2005

One Act Play, by Ellie and SJ.

Scene:

Living room. Smallish apartment. One wall is painted red, television blaring out of armoire.

Ellie: I hate you. You smell like poop.
SJ: You go poop? Do I need to change your diaper?
Ellie: No!! You are stupid! Waah! You smell like poop and I hate you.
SJ: So no poop? Do you want a bottle?
Ellie: No! No bottle you idiot! I want a new mommy!
SJ: We should watch Dr. Phil. Be glad you’re not that little adopted boy and that you have a mommy who loves you.
Ellie: Waaah! Waaaah!
SJ: You want to play?
Ellie: (SCREAMING) AhhhhhIHateYou!!
SJ: You should sit in your walker. Walkers are fun!
Ellie: Give me crepe paper! I want crepe paper!
SJ: Uhhh-
Ellie: now. woman. now.
SJ: Fish …

Please forgive this post as I have become stupid.

Friday, January 28th, 2005

For some reason, I watch this kids’ tv show called Zoom every afternoon. Zoom comes on between Sit and Be Fit and Dr. Phil, meaning that I’m pretty desperate for background noise at this time.

There is one section of the show called Fannee Doolee. That is the most stupid name ever. Anyway, Fannee Doolee only likes things with double letters in the name, such as books but not words.

Get it?

So I’m sitting here and I feel the need to play my own Fannee Doolee game.

Fannee Doolee likes:
boobs but not dicks
cooters but not wangs
ass but not rumps.

Somehow, I feel as if my intelligence might get restored if I turn this horrible show into something dirty. I think its kind of like …

Call Me When You’re Mobile

Friday, January 28th, 2005

Yesterday, my child figured out how to prop herself up on her hands and knees and rock back and forth. For those of you who are not down with baby development lingo, it means SHE IS ABOUT TO CRAWL.

My sweet little girl is about to become a crawler and all Hell will break loose in my apartment.

Even though I’m excited at the prospect of her learning how to do something as cool as becoming mobile, the thought of her growing up upsets me. First she crawls, then she learns how to drive.

The problem with driving is that people are stupid. I have seen too many people driving the wrong way down a one way road. People are honking, people …

Mama Mia!

Friday, January 28th, 2005

As I mentioned in an earlier post, my Mother has found my blog. (Hi Mom. Stop reading this now.) As we all know, I do not want my Mother to read my blog. In fact, if I know you in real life, unless I have given you the domain name myself, just assume that I do not want you to read this. (Mom. Stop. No more.)

But my Mom? She thinks I’m funny. She KNOWS that I don’t want her to read this, but she continues to do so. In fact, she mentions it in our phone conversations. “Oh, I was reading your site and you had that picture of Ellie…or that picture you drew of your boob was funny.”

I tried …

Story time

Friday, January 28th, 2005

I’m famous!

Pus this!

Thursday, January 27th, 2005

Since the topic of having a needle put into my boobie has come to surface, I feel the need to learn about needle biopsies in breastacles.

Last night, I read Army of Mom’s experience about having a needle biopsy done and all I could think was “Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.”

My friend, S, told me that her mom had a cyst in her boob lanced and that pus kept coming out of the hole. Pus! Pus is so much fun!

I’ve mentioned before that I want to be a pus doctor. You’d come into my office, show me the pus, and I’d take care of it. I would paint the walls yellow. Yellow carpet and furniture.

Except for the roof. The roof would be …

Work Makes You Free

Thursday, January 27th, 2005

I bet you didn’t know this, but I’m somewhat of a Holocaust buff. I became interested in the holocaust in the 5th grade, when I read Lois Lowry’s “Number The Stars.” Then I found out that I’m related to a survivor, as my step grandfather was a Polish Jew during WW2.

Anyway, I was watching PBS last night and I learned of the Auschwitz brothel. A brothel! Of course, that led to discussions with The Hubs of whether you’d work in the brothel and be treated better or “take the high road” and take your chances in the regular camp where you had a good chance of dying.

What makes me disgusted is pages like this. Holocaust denials. By the way …

The Bitter Taste of Lack of Success

Wednesday, January 26th, 2005

I have several “query letters” to literary agencies sitting next to me. For those of you who don’t follow my every thought and move like US Weekly gives to Paris Hilton, I wrote a book. Finished it back in 2003. 2003, people.

It is NOW 2005. And since 2003, in November, I have been sending letters to agents that basically says “Please represent me? I love you! Wanna see my boob?”

And sometimes they write back and say “Well, I don’t know you. But I kind of like you so send in a little of the book.”

And then I wear my heart on my sleeve only to get dumped the night before prom by the Big Mean Literary Agent who just doesn’t …

Probably NOT the margarita playgroup…

Wednesday, January 26th, 2005

“They” say that staying at home with your child is isolating. I don’t know how isolating I find it to be as I am an isolationist. That means I can sit around, by myself, all day long and not care.

But, that being said, I know that it is good for me to have friends. To be around people who are in a similar phase of life as I am. I do have friends here, but the majority are single. None have kids.

So I saw a notice for a playgroup for moms with kids under one. I’m a mom. My kid is younger than one. So I emailed the lady to inquire about the playgroup.

But the deal? They only keep inviting …

I put semen-t in my vir-gina.

Tuesday, January 25th, 2005

Back in 2001, The Hubs, who was then the fiancee, and I went to Vancouver, BC. I remember, when we got there, I was surprised that the people in Canada spoke just like us in the US.

I’m not sure what I expected, but perhaps a top hat and an Olde English Accent? But no…just a regular run of the mill accent. I mean, I know Canada is just like America…well, except for this whole “hippy peace” thing and those Canadian mounties…but I expected it to be different.

Anyway, today I was at the post office and I heard a word pronounced in a way that made me want to poop my pants right there.

The lady behind the counter said “February” like …

Sick and beautiful

Monday, January 24th, 2005

Photographic evidence that my husband should not be allowed near toys:

Photographic evidence that The Bear will conquer all:

Now that’s romance.

Monday, January 24th, 2005

I’m sitting on the couch, watching a television show on plastic surgery, when the desire for some chocolate chcolate chip cookies hits me.

I walk into the kitchen and see this:

Now I know that if I see my husband playing with food coloring, something attached to a string and the camera, to come running.

HE said it was supposed to look like maggots on a bloody tampon.

Would you like some cheese on your boobie sandwich?

Monday, January 24th, 2005

I think I’m going to have to give my boobie a blog. My Boobie seems to want more attention than it is normally given.

We can make signs for my boobie. “I support SJ’s boob.”

I dropped off Ellie at my grandma’s house this morning, ten minutes later than I planned on doing. My grandma is like “Everything okay? Why are you going to the doctor?”

“Oh just a regular checkup!” I say, a little too perkily. “Checkups are fun! F-U-N! Nope! Nothing wrong here! No reason at all to worry!”

After waiting for one hour and fifteen minutes, I go and get a boobie ultrasound. Have you ever had a boobie ultrasound? They slather boobie gel on your boobie and then rub …

Foodie by Association

Sunday, January 23rd, 2005

A pot of boiled tomatoes is sitting in my kitchen.

Now that Ellie eats actual “food” (that word, we’ll leave in quotations because what she eat surely doesn’t resemble anything I would find palatable), we find ourselves in a Brave New World, a world where we play the game “I wonder if she’ll eat this?”

Back when Ellie was itty bitty, we got into the habit of not bathing her often. The entire act of bathing was a nuisance, with the wiping and the shampooing and the drying and the dressing. We were known to let her go many, many days without a bath due to one reason: pure and simple exhaustion.

At one point, my family said that my child smelled like …

The critic says not to read this email because you suck, you stupid mommy.

Friday, January 21st, 2005

My Inner Critic is secretly excited about this email:

“OMG. If I were gay. And if I were a lesbian who wanted to get married. I would so want to marry you….I know you are up to your eyeballs in baking, but I really encourage you to start your own business someday because Goddamn, those are terrific.”

Me?

I’m glad that email came because I’m off this one med I used for breastfeeding and well, I have NO MILK today. As in it is 1:30pm and I’ve pumped a total of 3 ounces since getting up. Good thing there’s such a thing as formula or my child would starve.

Excuse me while I master bake.

Friday, January 21st, 2005

This is another one of those posts where I have a few ideas floating in my head, though none of them are really good enough to deserve a post all to their own.

So, first, I shall show you my skills. I’ve got mad skills, yo.

I am a master baker. Please watch me master bake. Do not master bake in front of the children.

Yes, that’s right. I’m taking a cake decorating class! And I made a rainbow! And a cake that says “pony” because I didn’t feel like writing anyone’s name on my cake. So, today, The Hubs brought a rainbow cake to work with the word “pony” written on it.

Do I smell a promotion?

Okay, I have another thought that …

Remember the times…

Thursday, January 20th, 2005

I just reread this entry I wrote back in May. It made me laugh and laugh and laugh.

Enjoy.

The Pink Starfish

Thursday, January 20th, 2005

Uh oh! You better watch out! Our friendly sponge who lives in a pineapple under the sea has been outed as Gay.

Of course, I heard that Spongebob was gay in the past, when I heard the news that he was popular with gay men.

Let’s think about it. Pineapples are Big and Juicy. They’re HARD. And oblong. SpongeBob lives in a pineapple! That’s practically saying that he LIVES in a PENIS!

Speaking of penis…have you seen his friend Patrick?

Nothing says “weiner” than a big, pink starfish. And we all know that “chocolate starfish” is the term for poohole. And what is the preferred hole for gay men?

You know.

Is it me, or does he look like he wants to fist someone? And …

President Ellie

Thursday, January 20th, 2005

Ellie has decided she wants to run for President. That’s cool with me since I’ve always thought it would be fun to be the First Lady. Since The Hubs has no desire to be President, I guess I’ll settle for First Mama.

Ellie’s platform:

1. How to keep poo out of those baby crevices. No one should have a stinky crotch.
2. Naptime. Keep or get rid?
3. Forget Iraq. Bring on the green jello!
4. Instead of holding press conferences, she will continue to sit in her walker and scream her demands.
5. Breast milk for everyone!

Expect this.

Wednesday, January 19th, 2005

When I got pregnant, my friend gave me her copy of “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.” You’re supposed to go through it month by month and learn that your nipples will get this big and your butt will do that and your hair? It will grow.

Of course, they don’t tell you that you will end up with sideburns and a crotch so sensitive that sitting on the toilet hurts.

So, of course, I have my copy of What to Expect the First Year. It tells me how much my baby SHOULD weigh and what she should do during different stages of infancy.

They tell you how to play peek a boo with your kid (come on, could you NOT figure …

Could be worse

Wednesday, January 19th, 2005

If you are having a bad day, just remember, it could always be worse.

You could be a conjoined twin strawberry that looks like a set of nuts.

Since I’m feeling nice, here are more Ellie pics.

More boobie fun!

Tuesday, January 18th, 2005

Since yesterday’s picture was so popular…

I had to go to the doctor this morning. At 8am. With Ellie since The Hubs hasn’t forgiven me from Friday’s 2+ hour long dentist visit in which he watched Ellie instead of worked.

Anyway, I show up at the doctor this morning, running late as usual. Since I was running late, I only had time to pump one boob. (Editor’s Note: Of course, my boobs would pick THIS MORNING to be like porn star hard and big. Of course!) Since I had to pump one boob, I picked the boob that was bringing me to the doctor.

When I get there, after going over all the questions, which included the fact that everyone in my family …

Just another day in the life…

Tuesday, January 18th, 2005

Doctor: “So why are you taking Lexa*pro?”
ME: “Well, before I got pregnant, it was for (quote) stress. (unquote)”
Doctor: “Are you depressed?”
Me: “My therapist says I am.”

A Size E In a B World

Monday, January 17th, 2005

I remember, back when I was pregnant, I would dream about the day I wasn’t pregnant. I planned out my wardrobe, thought of cute shirts and pants and outfits that I would wear. After 9 months of basically wearing the same 3 shirts over and over, new clothes seemed like a lot of fun.

I guess what I didn’t prepare for was my boobs. It never occured to me that they’d get bigger. Sure, some people enjoy their supple breasteeding chest. And I’m sure these people were probably an A cup before they got knocked up.

So for me, being a DD before the kid came, things could only get worse. A, B, C, D, DD…

E!!!

E as in Elephant. E as in …

Life or death! Please help!

Monday, January 17th, 2005

Ok, my “other site” (See next entry) is MT. I need to get onto that site to uhhh….get some IP addresses. BUT? Since the domain was moved and the host moved, I do not know how to access the blog page anymore.

Any tips? What do I do to find it? Please? Help needed!

Commence IP Blocking Immediately.

Sunday, January 16th, 2005

I just got a phone call from my Mom. (MOM: IF YOU ARE READING THIS. STOP READING NOW. I WILL BEAT YOU.) She’s all “Blah blah I saw your website.”

You see, I have TWO websites. I have this one and I have another which is “family friendly.” As in Grandma can read it. So, I’m trying to act casual and ask “what website” even though I know my family knows about this site.

Obviously, I had some explaining to do when I got FIRED for it.

Anyway, my Mom says it is the site I sent her in an email. Then somehow she says “But there were no pictures! And it said SJ.”

At that point, I shat my pants a little. …

All that smog makes you nice.

Saturday, January 15th, 2005

HA! Take THAT Mormons! Houston is more polite than you are!

BFF forever and ever, amen.

Friday, January 14th, 2005

Hello internett. I’m drinking much too much. I loove you. Let’s make babies? okay! i love my baby. let’s be friends!

I’m totally going to go there.

Friday, January 14th, 2005

I have a quick thought that I want to tell you, but before I can tell you this thought, I must put an explanation on here to explain my reasoning.

First. It seems as if you are a white person, you’re not allowed to talk about black people. It’s like, if you’re white and the person you’re talking to is black, you shouldn’t point out that said person is black because it is crossing some boundary that should not be crossed.

I should know. I lived in Durham, NC also known as the Land of Racism.

Anyway. So there’s that boundary. And I’m totally crossing it with this one even though Society tells me that it is wrong to say anything about …

Trim this!

Friday, January 14th, 2005

I ate waffles for breakfast. Then I drank some coffee. And soon? I’m going to the dentist.

Ha! Just kidding. I’m not that boring yet. I could see the collective attention spans of all my beautiful readers getting shorter and shorter with that one sentence.

I am going to the dentist, which leads me into my blurb for today. Do you know how you brush your teeth before going to the dentist? Like that one night of flossing and extra long brushing is going to make up for the fact that you haven’t used mouthwash in months?

Yeah. I mean, these dentists can tell. They’re not stupid.

It’s the same thing when women go to the gyno. My sister, who is 2.5 years …

Ellie’s Sixth Month

Thursday, January 13th, 2005

Dear Ellie,

Yesterday, you turned sixth months old! Six months! That’s half a year. I’m still trying to grasp my head around the fact that I have a sixth month old.

Today, you did something very special. You threw a temper tantrum. It was very cute and all, as you didn’t want to go to sleep so you got mad and beat me with your fists while you kicked your legs really, really fast!

You may have thrown temper tantrums before, but really, you’re changing so fast that it’s hard to keep up with you! I think what I love being around you everyday is when I notice you doing something for the first time. Such as when you realized that you had …

I’m so crazy, I already had yo’ baby

Thursday, January 13th, 2005

Dear Husband:

“It’s not you, it’s me.” That’s what you should probably know as to why, when we were on the phone earlier, I gave a mad sigh and said “Bye.” And then I hung up.

You know that. You were on the phone. There was no profession of love on that phone call, just my exasperation in the fact that you couldn’t call the front office about our lease violation. I mean, I’m the one who gave the satellite guy the OK to attach the satellite to the wall. I’m the one who sits at home all day, I’m the one who contributes nothing more than some cookies to this family.

Yet I’m the one who doesn’t want to make any more …

Thank you, but we’re now closed.

Wednesday, January 12th, 2005

Due to overwhelming popularity and underwhelming time, The Tsunami Bake Sale has now come to a close. Thank you to all that participated. If you have put in an order, you will get it.

Thank you for all your help and nice words.

The Hubs would like for me to note that he has to watch me make all this every night and he doesn’t get any of it. If I have to hear “Can’t I just cut….or how about one piece…” one more time….

Making the world a better place…one brownie at a time.

My milkshake is full of knives

Wednesday, January 12th, 2005

Earlier on this week, I went to the doctor. You see, my boobie is hurting. Has been hurting for some time now. I know, since I’m feeding from the boob, people will say “That is why your boobie is hurting.”

But that’s not the reason. My doctor told me to stop drinking caffeine as caffeine makes boobies tender. So, today, while my boobie hurt, I googled caffeine and boobs. It seems as if caffeine is more likely to make the boobie swollen, therefore making it more tender/premenstral like.

My boob isn’t swollen. I mean, well, it isn’t any more swollen than a breastfeeding boob can be. It doesn’t hurt to touch. She can’t feel any lumps.

Yet, there is the pain, in …

What they don’t tell you in “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.”

Wednesday, January 12th, 2005

You know you’re a parent when you sniff your child’s bare crotch and say “Yup. We should probably clean down there.”

Which Sandwich

Wednesday, January 12th, 2005

I really suck at keeping house. I’d take a picture of my kitchen, which I think I cleaned the other day, but I’d scare you and you’d cry and wouldn’t come to visit my blog anymore because Good People Just Don’t Have Dirty Kitchens.

Or living rooms. Or bedrooms. Or laundry rooms. The bathroom? All it has on the floor (besides the massive hair I keep shedding) is a baby bib. Which we’ve been stepping around for two weeks now.

Very Mom would be proud.

I just lack inspiration. I need to pack up some of the baked goods to send off in the mail, but then, well, I was STILL hungry after lunch so I go and make myself a snack. …

The Grandpa Category

Tuesday, January 11th, 2005

After several strokes, my once active grandfather has become a feeble old man. Sometimes he’s “all there” and sometimes he forgets things, such as Ellie’s name or how he met my mother’s mother in collge.

Since my grandmother has strep throat, it was my job to bring grandpa to get his MRI today. Since he is old and feeble and still very stubborn, he has a habit of falling and breaking things, such as ribs.

After a drive down the 5-lane-wide highway, we arrive at the MRI place. I arrange for him to be brought inside in a wheelchair as I drag the Not Very Amused Baby along in her stroller.

Once inside, it is my job to get him checked in. I …

You can thank me later.

Monday, January 10th, 2005

Since I will be spending part of my day dragging my old grandpa all over town, I leave you with this:

Kitties!

Remember to turn the volume up really loud!

Overexposure.

Monday, January 10th, 2005

Let the media onslaught begin.

Brad and Jen: The Way They Were brought to you by USA Today.

Kind of makes you vomit in your mouth a little. Right?

Dr. Indian Whitebread thinks I’m whack

Monday, January 10th, 2005

I think my new doctor doesn’t like me. Either that, or she thinks I’m a freaking retard, which is more likely.

I went to the doctor today and all I got was a damn blood-draw band-aid.

First off, let me say this to the woman in the parking lot who ZIPPED past me and cut me off and flew into the spot that I was OBVIOUSLY trying to get into: BITCH ASS HO MOTHERFUCKER.

You happy? I hope you heard my honks. I honked twice, thankyouverymuch. I bet you’re ugly and you were on your way to get your STD treated.

And? Thanks a lot. I’m trying to curse less as I am a churchgoing person and how am I ever going to …

A little more promotion…

Monday, January 10th, 2005

Hey! It’s a new week! Don’t you just hate having a case of the Mondays? Know what would make you feel better?

BROWNIES! COOKIES!

You’re missing out on what my husband calls “The best brownies ever!”

So good are my brownies, that they are hidden from him!

So apologize to your coworker for screwing up the TPS reports. Tell your honey you’re sorry for not taking out the trash. Appease your mother in law for not giving her any grandchildren!

Buy some baked goods from the Tsunami Bake Sale!

Orders are placed at Bake (AT) Shenuts DOT com

Britneyfied

Friday, January 7th, 2005

Remember BS? (Britney Spears?) Remember her sister? Well, she’s been Britney-fied.

Before:

After:

Splitsville!

Friday, January 7th, 2005

You saw it here first, people. Brad Pitt is back on the market.

They actually let me in.

Friday, January 7th, 2005

Today, I went to visit my friend Andrea at her school. Andrea is an old friend of mine and she teaches Special Ed. Yes, my friend, who teaches Special Ed, invited me up to her school.

Somehow, I ended up sitting next to the kid they call “serial killer.” All I kept thinking was “Don’t touch my baby don’t touch my baby or i will kill you.” She whined a lot.

The class was watching a Garfield movie and they laughed when the guy burped. As in laughed more than normal people would laugh when it comes to burping in a movie.

It turns out that the word fart would send them into a tizzy. I wanted to tell them all about baby …

Ellie’s New Friend

Friday, January 7th, 2005

As I stood on the second floor of a major department store chain, I felt nervous. I wished I had brushed my hair, put on makeup (yeah, right) or plucked my eyebrows.

I was having an internet meetup and my meetee didn’t even know!

That’s right! Ellie and I went and met a blogger today. It was like a blind date, bloggy style

We stopped at the mall and met “J” at Otter Green.

Let me tell you people, she’s cute. Super cute with rosy cheeks! And Ellie LOVED her name tag.

It was kind of surreal meeting someone you know from the internet in real life. Even more so when the person tells you where she works but doesn’t know you’re going to stop …

stupid server!

Friday, January 7th, 2005

Dear Internet:

I came online tonight and saw that I had bunches of emails! Bunches! I got excited. Then I realized it numbered to the hundreds. As in, before Christmas. It seems as if all my emails went to the place that socks go to in the laundry, but they somehow found their way out.

I’m not ignoring your email. I’m trying to get back to all of the nice people who write me.

Your friend,
The Sarcastic Journalist

Happy New Year, Motherfuckers.

Thursday, January 6th, 2005

I have chills, people. Chills.

I normally do not speak of the logistics of my firing as, well, it was splashed upon the internet enough for my taste. But, these past few weeks, things keep coming to my attention that makes me remember it.

And then, today, my reader David sent me a link. The paper, a “family owned” paper, got bought out. And can you guess what happened?

They fired people! 80, to be exact.

So I get all excited and do a happy dance and I write a funny post. Then my stupid site messes up and loses the post. So I go and check to see if a certain Mr. Rosen got fired.

Mr. Rosen, as you may or may not …

BAKE SALE!

Thursday, January 6th, 2005

Did you steal your co-worker’s lunch and get caught? Boyfriend break up with you? Paid your last five child support payments late and now the police are knocking at your door? Are you just HUNGRY?

Why! That sounds like a reason to BUY BAKED GOODS!

The Tsunami Bake Sale is now underway. Please click on the above link to learn how to place an order. All the baked goods are made by yours truly and all of my portion of the proceeds will go to charity.

So…suck up to your boss. Tell your girlfriend she isn’t fat. Make friends with that next door neighbor by bribing with sweets. Perhaps, if you buy him enough brownies, he’ll turn down Mario Cart so you can …

Bad Mommy

Thursday, January 6th, 2005

I just sang a song to Ellie, while changing her diaper, that used the phrase “Who has the spirit fingers, come on damnit.”

Bake Sale Stuff

Thursday, January 6th, 2005

I swear people, I’m still doing my Internet Bake Sale for the Tsunami. I’ve been busy trying to price these suckers, and well, I keep forgetting to find the price of a certain item at the grocery store. Today? I forgot coconut and oatmeal.

I want to price things accordingly and do all of my bake sale properly. I even have my page ready to go up, I just have to get the damn pricing right.

But…here’s a list of what will be offered. I’m keeping it small as to get the hang of this.

chocolate chip cookies
oatmeal chocolate chip cookies
brownies
snickerdoodle cookies
pecan pie bars
cranberry-pecan rougalash
vanilla muffins
chocolate chip muffins
blueberry muffins

You know, besides helping out the Tsunami victims, you can help others by purchasing some …

Yes, he wiped.

Thursday, January 6th, 2005

A couple of months ago, one of the funniest things in the world happened. It didn’t happen to me but it happened to my husband. The deal is, it is so funny, and so GROSS, that I felt it would violate some Husband/Wife code to go and share it with the internet.

Then, last night, the subject came up again. And I laughed. I laughed until I cried, people. And let me tell you this: It can be pretty hard to make me laugh.

So a couple of months ago, we lived in this terribly horrible apartment in a city we shall call “Kingwood” as that was the city name. So, our toilet had this horrible habit of overflowing at the …

Seriously. I went to college.

Wednesday, January 5th, 2005

You know you are really gullible (didya know it’s not in the dictionary? haha) when you have to make your husband promise that there is no such thing as airborne nose herpes.

The horror!

Wednesday, January 5th, 2005

You know, it’s pretty cool when you tell your therapist something about your family and she is appalled. It makes me feel like my brand of crazy is a little more potent. If your therapist is like “Holy shitballs, batman!” something must be wrong.

And? Don’t forget to “de-lurk."*

*de-lurk=everyone.must.comment.

De-lurking!

Wednesday, January 5th, 2005

As seen at Amalah and Paper Napkin… TODAY IS DELURKING DAY!

You. Yeah, you. Sitting in the cubicle, eating a lunch stolen from a coworker…you, the woman with 12 kids and a case of the ‘rhoids.

You’ve typed in the domain name. Perhaps you googled “Shenuts” as that is a common thing to do. You clicked on someone else’s link. Well, damnit. You better now stop and say “hi.”

And just so you don’t feel weird and tingly down there “delurking” we’ll have class participation time. Even if this is your first visit here and you were looking for pictures of “big titty mama milk leaking boobs” you should say something.*

Okay?

I’ll keep it simple: Where were you born?

I’ll go first…I was …

another one bites the dust

Tuesday, January 4th, 2005

It turns out that another reporter has gotten fired for doing the exact same things I did. He was also a features reporter who posted anonymously.His blog is long gone (how unfun!) but I read a few of his entries posted elsewhere. Let’s just say the word “dick” was used.

HA!

Anyway. So then I go from link to link and I see a site that has all of us fired people listed. And I’m number eight! Of course, they would go and use my “street name” (Isn’t that so much more fun than “real name?") so you don’t get a link.

And, by the way, where the hell is my book deal? Some people got fired for posting pictures of themselves. …

You say it with an R, not a W

Tuesday, January 4th, 2005

To my parents:

I want to thank you for making me take speech therapy from when I was three to when I was ten. At the time, I thought it sucked. But today, I was watching MTV’s TV show “Made” where this girl had a horrible speech problem and I was like “Woo hoo! That’s not me!”

Love,
The Sarcastic Journalist

BlogAid

Tuesday, January 4th, 2005

I’ve said more than once off the blog that I wish I could help out the tsunami victims. If you have read this blog for even a few days, you probably know that money isn’t growing on trees here in the Sarcastic Journalist/Two Blue Balls household.

And…someone has pointed out Blog Aid to me. I don’t have google ads. I don’t have Amazon ads.

BUT

I do know how to bake. And I plan on opening a baking business. And I plan on selling said goods on the internet.

So, hopefully, later on today, I plan on opening up temporary shop. I’ll price accordingly and whatever small proceeds I would have made will go directly to a reputable charity relief organization.

I just got home …

Piddle here, piddle there

Monday, January 3rd, 2005

I think, deep down, we’re all a little OCD. Sure, some of us may be a little more than others, but I definately have my fair share of obsessive compulsiveness.

Such as, in high school, I had to flip the lights on 3 times before I could leave the house. Annoying as it was, I found myself oddly comforted by doing so.

As an adult, my obsession has changed. I absolutely can not go to sleep if I have to pee. I’m talking if there is one little pee dropelt in there, I will run to the potty to go. So imagine me, every night, laying in bed, wanting to sleep, but knowing there is pee in there and I have to …

Life by the Numbers

Monday, January 3rd, 2005

24: Number of muffins I baked last night.
1.5: Number of months I’ve given myself to get all my recipes ready for baking business.
55: Number of minutes I walked this afternoon.
82: Number of degrees the weather is right now. Somebody shoot me.
2: Number of sweaty boobies that need to be pumped.

Sleep is good. Why don’t you try it?

Monday, January 3rd, 2005

Quick note to my child, who is currently screaming in her crib: Some people (like Mommy and Daddy) can go to sleep on their stomachs without screaming. If they roll on their stomachs, they roll back over. They don’t scream until snot comes out of their noses. Also? When they get in bed, Hell, when they SEE the bed, they don’t start screaming, either.

PS: I’m totally onto your fake cries. Stop it. And the real cries? Stop that, too. It’s just a freaking NAP.

apologies, anyone?

Saturday, January 1st, 2005

If i left a drunken comment on your blog, i am sorry. your blog is very funny while i drink.

2004 This

Saturday, January 1st, 2005

My resolutions for 2004? Right here.I did it all. I kept it simple.

It worked.

Perhaps I should make 2005 a better year. How about “2005: A year that doesn’t suck?”

That could be my new motto. (Editor’s note: I’m a little tipsy as I am writing this. Don’t tell.) Anyway. I need some new resolutions that don’t suck.

1. Either lose these final 10 pounds from pregnancy (Hello. I gained 28. Why the hell do I still have the ten pounds of fat?) or get knocked up to put it off.
2. Stop thinking I’m fat. That also goes along with stop checking out my lumpy ass in the full-length mirrors that cover this apartment.
3. Be productive.
4. Self hate is so out this …

You get what you get.

Saturday, January 1st, 2005

I think my favorite part of this story is:

“The sleds struck rocks, a light pole and each other,” he said.


My Flickr photos.