Archive for December, 2004

That’s one cushy tushy

Thursday, December 30th, 2004

My husband got some underwear for Christmas. The dude will seriously wear the things until the waistband has fallen off and he holds them up with his hands. And then he’ll get rid of them ONLY when I demand that he do so.

Hi, honey! I’m outing you!

Anyway, it turns out, according to the package, that these underwear are for “Work, play and everyday.”

Okayyyyyyy…..But the back is even funnier.

“Moves moisture from skin. Dries quickly. Neutralizes odor.”

Support the rape? Stop the troops?

Thursday, December 30th, 2004

I remember, when I lived in NC, that a stop sign by my house had the words “Stop Rape” spraypainted on it. And I always felt that sign to be a little odd, as if people are going around spraypainting “Start Rape” on signs.

I think, as a whole, that most people are against rape. It is not a socially accepted activity. Yes, there are the seriously disturbed people who think rape is okay and use it as a power struggle, but as a whole, I do not believe that spraypainting “Stop Rape” on a stop sign will solve anything.

I often see “Support our troops” bumper stickers and I wonder if that is really needed. Especially here in Texas, where …

You don’t have to tell me…

Wednesday, December 29th, 2004

My baby is a cool baby. Read about it HERE.

Pathetic

Wednesday, December 29th, 2004

I’m wasting my precious battery. Wasting. Wasting.

Last night, I cried. I cried and cried and I couldn’t stop crying. My “inner critic” came out and I listened to her. She told me I was fat. That if they had a new TV show called “pathetic housewives,” they’d follow me around.

That was the word I used to describe myself. Pathetic. I said how things would be better if I could just jump off a building. I didn’t want to be pathetic anymore.

This morning, I was in a good mood. I went to Starbucks with some old friends to have coffee. But somehow, we got on to the conversation of money and I mentioned how we don’t have a lot right now …

BFF Forever!

Tuesday, December 28th, 2004

Attention internet: The battery cord on my laptop just broke. This is the only computer on which we have internet access. If you don’t see me for a few days, you know why.

So, please, talk amongst yourselves. And don’t forget me, okay?

Real job…my ass

Tuesday, December 28th, 2004

Oh no….poor poor me. Someone who is unable to leave a real name or email decides I need to get a real job to pay my bills.

What the fuck was I thinking, not getting a “real job?”

Hey, D, have you ever thought that if I go and get my “real job” that I would be spending ALL my money to pay for childcare?

Seeing that your IP address 80.200.12.175 is in the Netherlands, perhaps you aren’t privy to what American child care is. Around here, we’d pay over $800 a month for someone to watch MY CHILD FOR ME WHILE I GO AND SIT IN A SHITTY OFFICE, HATING MY JOB.

So? NO.

As for what I’m doing not being a “real …

A Wave of Donations

Tuesday, December 28th, 2004

If THIS is true….well, I can hardly fathom it. I haven’t said much about this because obviously, we all know how horrific it is. How HORRIBLE. I can’t even grip my mind around the concept of 60K dead people.

BUT, that being said, this article annoys me. Yeah…we could probably give more, but well, I’m not in charge of handing out aid to other countries. But to say to raise my taxes to send more money?

WHAT? Huh? You want to raise my taxes? I understand that these people have lost everything. Seriously, I do. And I feel for them and I’m all about sending donations through the Red Cross or Doctors Without Borders or whoever. But if you raise my taxes …

Christmas Recap

Monday, December 27th, 2004

Christmas is over…yours truly is getting fat…

It is over. And honestly? I’m a little sad about it. Why? Well, you’d be sad to if you married into a family that knows how to celebrate Christmas. Or at least knows how to give good gifts.

But before I get into what I got, I must give you the official name of this year’s festivities:

Christmas 2004: The Year of the Electronic Toy.

They beep. They sing. They light up. And they’re all for my child. Someone shoot me now. No, really. No…just kidding…Ellie loves the toys. They go “beep!” and “I love trash!” and “woo hoo!” and colors change and noises are made and she just kind of sits there and stares. So I …

Mmmmm….wrapping paper.

Saturday, December 25th, 2004

Merry Christmas!

May all your Christmas wishes come true.

Of course. Isn’t how it goes?

Saturday, December 25th, 2004

SNOW in Houston. And I missed it.

There is an info box on this story that shows just how rare it is to snow in Houston. This is the equivalent of Des Moines, Iowa getting a hurricane.

And I missed it.

Christmas Hell, Part Two.

Friday, December 24th, 2004

Every year, I think “This will be the year that I get my shit together and do some nice wrapping.”

I go to the store. I buy wrapping paper. This year I bought cute little tags with snowmen on them.

Then I get home, pull out the presents and wrapping paper. What commences can only be described by one word.

Shit.

My Mother In Law, on the other hand, must have a degree in wrapping presents. So, tonight, to make my puny little present feel inferior, I set two of our presents side by side and took a little picture.

Let me say this. Mine isn’t the one on the left.

Christmas Hell, Part One

Thursday, December 23rd, 2004

Did you hear that there was a major snow storm in the United States? Did the news forget to tell you THAT I GOT TO FEEL ITS RATH?

Oh yeah. Why would it be that the day we chose to drive from Houston to Dallas to Tulsa would be the day that all Hell would break loose on the roads of Texas?

Anyway…we made it. I forgot to tell you we were leaving, internet. But we made it. And what do we do when we get to Tulsa?

We go to Super Wal-Mart. Two days before Christmas. Why? Because we are idiots.

Luckily for me, I had my cameraphone with me.

NOTE: SOME OF THESE PICTURES ARE WAAAY TOO BIG. BUT. THIS IS NOT …

Fun times!

Wednesday, December 22nd, 2004

Today, Ellie made a new friend. Curly Girl came to visit!

My grandpappy said…

Wednesday, December 22nd, 2004

I had so many thoughts running through my head while reading this story about the Confederate flag prom dress.

First, let me say this. I do not find the Confederate flag to be “offensive” (as I am white) but I do find it of poor taste. To me, the second you wear your “Flag” on your shirt, prom dress or bumper sticker…I can only think two words: White Trash.

“Gee ma, we’re a runnin’ down to dem dere holler to pitch us up a barn! And after that, we’re gonna go hurt us some of those negras.”

Seriously. It is racist. You know that. It is White Trash. Do you know that? Seriously. Seriously.

Why in the sam hell would someone want …

What they don’t tell you in sex ed…

Wednesday, December 22nd, 2004

Birth? It’s bloody.

No need to call CPS….

Wednesday, December 22nd, 2004

…While I’m supposed to be cleaning the kitchen…

I think that someone should create a new line of products to help parents out. No…not things like Jumparoos but items that are necessary for a parent to keep his or her sanity.

First, I’d like to have the “Keep the baby lying down on her back” device. It could be a bungee cord or velcro…but we need something to keep Ellie on her back in her crib. I mean, as much FUN as it is to roll over on to one’s belly, if you don’t feel the need to roll onto your back and instead, choose to scream this weird high pitched whiny/nasaly noise until someone rolls you BACK over….well, let’s not go …

Thinking

Wednesday, December 22nd, 2004

Sometimes you need to evaluate a friendship when you let said friend taste your breastmilk flavored baby oatmeal.

Me Chinese, Me Play Joke…Me Put PeePee In Your Coke.

Tuesday, December 21st, 2004

Did you know that it is December? It is almost 2005! Know what that means? No…not New Years. No, not the “Big Ball Drop.”

It is time for me to buy another day planner!

Holy crap, I’m absolutely orgasmic thinking about it. In fact, if I had my day planner in here with me, I might grab it and rub it all over my naughty bits because I love me some day planners that much.

When I worked at the newspaper, I’d get free shit all the time. Like my current dayplanner. Now, it is in Chinese or some other “Asian” font and I had to go and rewrite all the dates correctly in it. It has made mistakes and wrote out the …

That time…you know….

Tuesday, December 21st, 2004

A crazy thing happens when you move back to the town you grew up in. You see people you grew up with! Now before you say “Why, gee, SJ, you are sooooooo smart,” get this. I’m not the type of person who makes “small talk.”

I don’t really like talking to people that I was only on a semi-friendly basis with in high school. I find it uncomfortable and weird and I’m just not into it.

So….can I please stop seeing people that I knew from high school?

A week or so ago, The Hubs, Ellie and I were at Central Market! and I recognized this girl from high school. She was on the drill team and I always thought was kind of …

It’s kind of like bang the drum slowly…except the drum is a chick.

Monday, December 20th, 2004

Dude, if I was in this picture…I’d have to use both knees, an arm and a small child to cover my boobies.

Your sibling is in Daddy’s Nuts.

Monday, December 20th, 2004

Today, I let my child play with a home pregnancy test. I told her that was the Sibling That Never Was. She threw it in the sink. I don’t think she got it.

And then The Hubs peed on the stick, just to make sure he wasn’t pregnant. Good thing he wasn’t, even though I’m wondering when he’ll get his period.

The funny thing is when you have pregnancy “symptoms” and then find out that you are not, in fact, knocked up, that you are left with the sad truth.

The bad moods, headaches, nausea and bad skin are all yours because you must be some mutant. Hello! You’re 25! What’s up with the pizza face?

And the sore boob? In the same spot? …

Just because I care….

Monday, December 20th, 2004

FYI: My email? Not working right now. I’m in the midst of a bunch of crap going wrong due to moving blog hosts. So….uh….if you want to contact me? I suggest smoke signals. Or comments on the blog.

Family Matters

Sunday, December 19th, 2004

My Grandpa’s 80th birthday is on December 30th. Happy birthday, Grandpa. You old coot.

ANYWAY, this isn’t about my grandpa…crazy as he may be. No, this is about my FAMILY, the people who have to talk to me because, uh, they’re related.

So my sister tells me today that my Aunt M is getting married For The Thrid Time at my Grandpa’s 80th birthday party. I’m all “By that point, don’t you just go to the justice of the peace? Do you really have a wedding?”

On the way home from my sister’s house tonight, I place a call to my Mom The Nurse who tells me that yes, M is getting married on the 30th. Or so she hears.

Anyway my Mom …

20/20 hindsight, my ass.

Friday, December 10th, 2004

My husband is sick. And so am I. It seems as if perhaps we should stop making out with our sick baby because she keeps giving us her germs.

I’ve never been so sick until I had a freaking baby. Goodbye, life. Hello Germs!

Anyway, it turns out that my husband’s intelligence drops by about 100% when he is sick. He was totally confused by news broadcasts tonight.

It took several different explanations of how there is National News, Local News and Cable News. There are also News Shows such as 20/20.

And he just didn’t get it. He kept saying “National news? There’s a national news?” while we were watching 20/20. He couldn’t even name me the Big Three News Channels: …

Partying Jesus style…

Friday, December 10th, 2004

Tonight we are bringing The Baby to church. And, we’re not going with her! No, it is “Kids night out” which I find odd, because she isn’t a kid. She’s an “I suck on my own sock” baby and really could give a rats ass whether or not she has a night out.

In fact, I think she’d prefer a night in with Mommy and Daddy.

So, “Parents Night Out” is tonight, as we all know this is a thinly veiled attempt at “ministering” to the masses by teaching our little ones about Jesus and we’ve got stuff to do.

We’re probably going to see a movie. The Incrediables? Dinner? We don’t have time to do both. The deal is that …

!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, December 10th, 2004

COMMENTS WORK! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TYPE IN SARCASTIC RIGHT NOW BUT COMMENTS WORK! FINALLY!

Seen, Heard and Learned

Friday, December 10th, 2004

Seen: Condom outside Toys R Us. Uh…shouldn’t you have been using that BEFORE you got into that situation?

Heard: Outside a Quizno’s Subs. “Are you pregnant?”

Learned: No matter how good the intentions, you should NOT buy someone a 5 steps to financial security book for Christmas. I have a feeling that also goes for the Dr. Phil Weight Loss Solution book as well.

Yeah yeah, someone thinks I’m cool!

Friday, December 10th, 2004

Holy shit, Batman! Some people have nominated me for something. They say I’m snarky!

Me? Snarky? Rock on!

Only problem? With my cold and the comments fiasco going on, I don’t feel very snarky. BUT! They encourage profanity– so here are some great profane words: Douchebag, cunt, dick and dildo. Wait. They all have to do with genatalia.

Okie…how about bitch, asswipe and fuckhead?

I feel better now. I feel so special even to be nominated!

Divadom.

Friday, December 10th, 2004

I think some of you know that once upon a time, before I got fired for blogging, I interviewed Clay Aiken. You didn’t know that? Well, as a features reporter at a Daily Newspaper In Durham, NC, I was told to cover his appearance at the local ball park, where he’d sing the National Anthem.

Goody. I hate American Idol. But? Being the nice and good employee that I was (even though others may say otherwise) I went and covered the story. Interviewed people. Saw and met his family and friends. Interviewed Clay himself.

Now, I tried to be nice given the fact that he was overwhelmed with all the attention. I mean, there were a lot of girls there. A lot. …

Lessons Learned.

Friday, December 10th, 2004

Yesterday, during Dr. Phil, my Mom called me as she always does and wanted to chat. Usually the chatting is about nothing and for the most of the conversation, it was.

But then, somehow, I start talking about Gay Rights and Gay Marriage. The silence on the other end of the phone was deafening. I could just see my Mom in her living room, Christmas cookies on the counter, presents on the floor, the daschounds nipping at her feet, trying not to shoot herself because her Crazy Daughter wants to discuss Gay Marriage.

And then? Then she tells me about a Christmas party where all the lesbians were there and how they were everywhere! And I could tell by the way she …

puh-lease?

Thursday, December 9th, 2004

everyone? i miss you. even those who don’t post. please! don’t leave. come back and the blog won’t suck and i’ll talk of boobies and poop. okie? the comments are coming back soon. we’re working on it.

It’s Christmas Time!

Thursday, December 9th, 2004

A month and a half of going to the front office to complain about my apartment not being painted. Two weeks of begging the husband for my Christmas tree to be put up. Two separate visits from the painters. Two different paint colors.

Having your dining room FINALLY Christmas-ready? Priceless.

uhh?

Thursday, December 9th, 2004

uhhh just kidding about the whole comments are working thing. why not just send me fanmail? sj (at) shenuts (dot) com.

What the Dickens?

Thursday, December 9th, 2004

You know how sometimes you are reading my posts and they go all over the place? Well, kids, grab your plane tickets because this post is going to go EVERYWHERE, and, most likely, nowhere at the same exact time.

So today, deciding to get out of the house, Ellie and I go to a place here in suburbia called “market street.” Basically it is a bunch of stores and restaurants flanking a large specialty grocery store. And I’m all up on it.

You see, when we lived in Durham, NC, we had our pick of restaurants and shops and places like that. You want specialty chocolate from Belgium? I know where to go. Chipolte Mango Sauce in a bottle? I totally know …

Hurray!!!!

Thursday, December 9th, 2004

Everyone! Let’s thank Michael the husband of Sarah and daddy of the adorable Rowan for helping me.

I am just in awe of the awesomeness of strangers. And because of that, I will not be making fun of Canada today. Thank you Michael!

Comments now work. Comment away!

Baby note

Thursday, December 9th, 2004

Note to baby: When you have a cold, it is not very nice to spit/cough on your mama’s face. Trust me on this one. We need to work on manners here. This isn’t cool.

PS: Comments? Still not working. But we’re working on it.

Parse error THIS.

Wednesday, December 8th, 2004

As I posted earlier, I’m trying to do a hack to stop all the spam. Unfortunatley, I’m an idiot when it comes to these things. Michael was helpful earlier but I still have one LOOMING question.

Try typing a comment. I have the dreaded “parse” error. I can’t figure out why. So….any geeks who can help me figure out why so everyone can have fun commenting again?

I’d like for my blog to get back to business as usual but unless I keep some form of spam protection up, I’ll get bombarded by 500+ spams a night.

So, if you would like to help me and Save The Human Race By Killing The Parse Error, please email me at SJ (AT) Shenuts …

must stop spam.

Wednesday, December 8th, 2004

Anyone have experience with this??

The New Etiquette

Wednesday, December 8th, 2004

There are etiquette books to tell you about most everything. Thank you cards? Important. Gum chewing? So-so.

But what about the etiquette books about the important things?

Today some uh, Hispanic people came to paint our dining room wall. Now being in Texas, I can be totally un PC and say “Mexican.” So, from now on, they are Mexican. Not Chilean or Guatamalan or anything else. Not even Spanish. Nope. MEXICAN.

Anyway the Mexicans come and knock on the door and are holding paint. And I’ve seen these guys before and I know they speak Spanish to each other. So I just say “Paint?” and they come in. And eventually, while my child is busy ingesting Clorox and I’m busy making coffee, …

Rational fears

Wednesday, December 8th, 2004

I remember, once upon a time, I saw the television show “Rescue 911″ where they reinacted 911 calls for your viewing pleasure, and I saw an episode about a woman who was taking a shower and an intruder broke in and did bad things to her in the shower.

So, every day, once Ellie has gone down for her nap, I double lock my doors and then take my shower. You see, I don’t want anyone breaking in and doing bad things to me.

So today, Ellie wasn’t feeling well. It took her FOREVER to go to sleep. So, finally, I check the door and I go and get into the shower. I have just finished trimming my eyebrows in my husband’s …

strikeout

Wednesday, December 8th, 2004

Watch out, Ellie. If you don’t stop pooping your diapers, Mommy and Daddy are going on strike.

But then, again, could I really not change her diapers?

Not That There’s Anything Wrong With It…

Tuesday, December 7th, 2004

There are things in life I don’t understand. Things like that Gilligans Island reality show. Honestly, I totally don’t get it. I watch the commercials. I even TRIED to watch the television show.

But I didn’t get it. Just imagine me putting on my best little girl voice and tilting my head and dragging my shoe upon the ground while saying “I don’t get it!”

Wah!

Know what else I don’t understand? People who don’t understand that things should be black and white. Either you like boys or girls. Either you look like a boy or look like a girl. Either you are retarded or not retarded.

There’s something about people who don’t look like men or women. While we were at Pete’s …

Granny’s panties…

Tuesday, December 7th, 2004

If Grandma’s name is Condom, what is Grandpa’s name? Pill? Jimmy Cap? Diaphram? Spermacide?

Shameful secret

Tuesday, December 7th, 2004

When you have a baby, you get into a routine. We have a morning routine that is becoming more common in our little household: Ellie wakes up at 7ish and I bring her into bed with me. I go back to sleep and hope that she does, too. Eventually, I will notice that her diaper is leaking all over our sheets. Then I go “Hmmm” and I move her a little out of the wet spot. Then I go back to sleep. Why? If she’s already leaked on my clean sheets, why change her now? I might as well get some sleep out of it.

More

Monday, December 6th, 2004

Nouvelly yours.

Cryptically yours

Monday, December 6th, 2004

You know what? If you are an editor or a literary agent….I’d contact SJ. Because, you know, SJ would consider herself “very interested” in speaking to one of the aforementioned persons.

Not that I wouldn’t want to say “Hi” to the person who works for that PR company…or for Diabetes.org….or the government, because I know all yall stop by. But an editor or agent?

Rock on.

Hello, Austin!

Monday, December 6th, 2004

I shaved my legs this morning. Why? Because I have to wear a skirt. Why? Because my jeans are all smokey. Why?

The Sarcastic Journalist goes to a bar. Hilarity ensues.

We did, indeed, go to Austin this weekend and all I can say is this: Austin– I love you. We love you. You are fun and have funky stores and local restaurants and hills and LOTS of people who like to run. I like to run, Austin! Running is fun!

Did I mention that The Hubs said he’d like to move to Austin one day?

ANYWAY- I was woke from my half-assed nap on Saturday night because we were going out. To where, I did not know, and I’m very glad I …

eyes peeled!

Friday, December 3rd, 2004

dear austin readers: i will be among your midsts this weekend. keep an eye out.

Too late.

Friday, December 3rd, 2004

I need to learn to check my “other” email more often. I was contacted by a news organization for an interview about getting fired….and I missed her deadline by one day.

Bleh. It would have been fun, especially since a lot of other big name bloggers (I don’t consider myself “big name") were in the story as well.

Pooey.

A little piece of suburbia…

Friday, December 3rd, 2004

First of all, before I start today’s story, I must apologize for my blog comments and how they are acting screwy. You only have to comment once as it WILL go through even though you think it won’t.

Now onto the fun, shall we?

Today, I decided to finish up my Christmas shopping and nick the present buying in the bud and I head out to my local Target and shopping mall.

And, as I’m parading my child around the store, Starbucks Peppermint Mocha (nonfat, no whip) in hand (I had 500+ spam comments last night. I deserved it) I looked around me. I was surrounded by people with babies! Babies younger than MY baby, and my baby is young!

And many of these …

Who wants to play with my cooter?

Thursday, December 2nd, 2004

My cooter really, really wants for me to have this t-shirt.

The Bearded Lady is called Randy

Thursday, December 2nd, 2004

I remember, back in the day, I used to have one hell of a libido. I was the girl who swung from the ceiling and was like “Hey baby.” Well, I was like “Hey baby” when it came to my husband.

And then I got on the pill. And then I got on Crazy Pills. And I got off the pill and I got pregnant. And you know how most people want to do the horizontal polka all the time while pregnant?

WELL, NOT ME!

So I was pregnant and that totally sucked and then I had a baby and milk squirted out of my boobies. Wait. The milk is still squirting.

Anyway, I have had to go BACK on the pill because …

Sit and wear a diaper

Thursday, December 2nd, 2004

So I go out to lunch with a friend today and my friend is self-described as “very angry.” Let’s just say she has EVERY right to be angry as she found her boyfriend cheating on her and when i say “cheating on her” I really mean porking some other chick.

ANYWAY- so we’re sitting there, over Mexican food, trying to decide the different levels of a breakup– such as denial, anger and then Being Really Pissed Off and Hitting The Ex-Boyfriend In A Bar And Getting Kicked Out Of The Bar.

Wow, I’m really glad I’m married. Phew.

So I find myself blurting out “You should see my therapist!” And she’s all “You have a therapist?” so I tell her about how crazy …

So amish, it’s funny.

Thursday, December 2nd, 2004

Yesterday, while standing in a line at the Hell Known As Super Wal-Mart, I came to a realization. Before I go on with my realization, I must tell you how I ended up in the damn LONGEST line even though there was only ONE family in front of me. Why? Because I was at Wal-Mart and that is how it works.

ANYWAY. The people standing in front of me were Pentecostal, which means that the women all have long, ugly hair and wear long skirts. And, if I remember correctly, they don’t wear makeup and don’t watch television.

Is it me, or are they like an uncool version of the Amish?

I have to tell you that I have a fascination with the …

Might explain a bit…

Thursday, December 2nd, 2004

Okie dokie, since I had spamtacular yesterday, I had to install a plugin that has “common spam words” and then it says that you can’t post with that word.

I’m seeing all the posts come up in my notification emails but is anyone having troubles with this?

*NOTE: I just tested with the word “ass” and it went through on my email but I got some weird ass page that WASN’T my antispam warning page. I might be taking the antispam thing down for now, but it will be going right back up if the spambots come back.

Please let me know if you have any suggestions.

Just because….

Wednesday, December 1st, 2004

….since I’m busy deleting spam all day….

One more thing I’m thankful for is for nice emails from nice people who are too scared to comment. I appreciate it.

craptacular

Wednesday, December 1st, 2004

221 spam comments overnight. blah.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Make that total 400-500 while I was out today.


My Flickr photos.