Archive for November, 2004

bloggy

Tuesday, November 30th, 2004

Blog is the #1 word of the year. I like to think I had something to do with it.

Belated thanks…

Tuesday, November 30th, 2004

Was I supposed to be thankful last week? I mean, I see all these people listing how thankful they are and there I was, all busy kissing baby cheeks and eating cake.

Who am I? Horrid person!

So, here is a belated things to be thankful for list.

1. Cherry vanilla dr. pepper.
2. Blue Bell ice cream
3. cold weather in Houston– FINALLY!
4. Getting to stay home instead of going to some sucky job every day.
5. Baby smiles.
6. Husband smiles.
7. my blog
8. my new kickass apartment
9. Round brushes that make layers look less layery.

Things I’m not thankful for:
1. Having to give gift cards to people because someone is mean and says I can’t buy the damn gift.
2. wearing socks only. I feel nasty. Barefoot …

Spam goes good on sandwiches

Tuesday, November 30th, 2004

It seems as if the Spam Bots were busy spamming instead of eating turkey because, boy, did I have a lot of spam to “un-approve.” You see, WP catches the spam so it goes to a land where it must wait for me to swoop in and say “No, SPAM. You can not play on my blog.”

By the way, any comments with even one link in them go to that same land. So, comments that ask about where all the comments are are funny but not needed.

Anyway. I just don’t get spam. Seriously. Like, how is leaving a post in someone’s archives about a certain pharmaceutical product going to help v*i*a*g*r*a get more customers?? Do people get paid to do …

An Entire Post About Boobies…

Tuesday, November 30th, 2004

I am watching “The View” on television as I wait for my early lunch of noodles to get ready and The Boob Nazi was on television, explaining breastfeeding.

If there is nothing that can make women feel guilty, it is the topic of breastfeeding.

I remember, back in April that I went to a breastfeeding class sponsored by Duke University Hospital. And I was scared shitless. (Note: I’m very bad at linking in my own blog. Hopefully you can read it.)

I Did Not Want To Do It. But I did. And it wasn’t as horrible as I expected it. I got used to it.

BUT BUT BUT BUT sometimes, breastfeeding doesn’t work for women. For whatever reasons– maybe it is …

The Groundhog Zombie

Tuesday, November 30th, 2004

My husband and I have a friend, we’ll call him “C,” and he is a pilot for a major airline. The funny thing about C is that we met him in North Carolina when he sublet our apartment from us when we bought our house. Anyway, C got a job with the major airline and moved to Houston a couple of months before we did. Then we moved to Houston. And we all ended up living in a suburb called Kingwood, in the same apartment complex.

Then we moved and then C moved to another suburb, which we will still call TW. He lives a few minutes away from us now.

Anyway, C and The Hubs were meant to be friends. We …

Drats! Foiled again!

Monday, November 29th, 2004

So a hotel is offering people named Mary and Joseph a free stay over Christmas.

How about people named Brian Mercat and Sarcastic Journalist?

I saw him live, you know.

Monday, November 29th, 2004

I read somewhere that Oprah likes to fill her audiences with people who can relate to the guest. Why is it that in today’s audience, all the women looked like Jerry Seinfeld’s wife?

PS: Oprah now has her own category. You know, she’s really powerful and black and stuff and well, I couldn’t piss her off by continuing to put her under the “boob tube” category.

Not what I expected….

Monday, November 29th, 2004

I have this thing. This thing about Christmas cards. I always have had a desire to take a cute picture and turn it into our card. The first year, it worked. I used a picture from our wedding. It was the moment we were pronounced husband and wife and were about to walk down the isle.

Of course, people bitched at us because neither one of us were looking at the camera! Oh! The horror of not looking at a camera for THE Christmas card picture.

Last year? I was pregnant. The picture didn’t happen. I just couldn’t get around to it.

But this year, oh, this year I was determined to take a damn picture. So we were out in the woods …

She’d run for her life but she forgot how to run.

Sunday, November 28th, 2004

I hate making decisions and I’m not good with technical stuff. It was enough trouble for me to pick Blog Hosts for my hosting but since they’ve shut down, I’m having to move. I went through and looked at the suggestions on who I should go to for my new host, but I find myself going all catatonic while reading any of the sites.

I feel like I’m back in math class and I’m supposed to be taking notes. But there’s a pretty tree out the window and look at that guy and I’ve gotta pee….and, wait? Where am I? What am I doing?

Hosting. Must find host. I’m scared. There’s words like Gigs and words that I can’t even remember. How …

Pictures, we’ve got pictures!

Sunday, November 28th, 2004

Have you ever heard how people on reality TV say they forget about the cameras? Did you know that if a family member has a digital camera, the same thing applies?

My father in law has a digital camera and shot about one zillion pictures over the weekend. So, I bring you an Unadulterated Look Into SJ’s Life.

Here’s us after a long, long, long hike:

Whispering sweet nothings:

Elementary, my dear daddy…

Move it Mommy!

Screw you guys, I’m going home.

Quit it with the hair, mom. You knew not to get layers.

Keeping it real(ly lame)

Friday, November 26th, 2004

Since I’m lame, I have to show you the lyrics from a Very Special Episode of The Family Guy.

Oh my fat baby loves to eat
A big old budda belly and a breast wing past the feet
My fat baby loves to eeeaaat
My big old fat ass baby loves to eat

Time for change

Friday, November 26th, 2004

Nouvel updated.

Great responsibility and stuff

Tuesday, November 23rd, 2004

I just want everyone to know about an awesome idea I saw over at Shutterblog. It is called Any Soldier and it helps hook you up with some soldiers overseas so you can send them care packages. I have a care package sitting right next to me for a nice lady in Iraq. I highly suggest you consider sending these goodies to the soldiers to keep morale high! Just an idea, I have cookies, Twizzlers, body wash, gum, lotion and tampons in mine.

People need tampons, even in the desert.

A Thanksgiving Story

Tuesday, November 23rd, 2004

Since Thursday is Turkey Day here in the States, I think it is only approperiate to tell a little Thanksgiving story for you.

I have to warn you, before this story goes any farther, that there is really only one part to this story that is important, but, well, I have to drag it out for you to read.

Consider yourself warned.

Once upon a time, when I still partaketh of Thanksgiving activities with my Mother and her family, I had to spend a lot of time with people that I Really Didn’t Like.

I have this cousin, whom we shall call Jeffrey because that is his name, even though he tries to call himself “Jeff,” although I don’t buy it because he …

Bless This Mess

Tuesday, November 23rd, 2004

If my site is looking a little ugly/confusing/not what it normally looks like, it is because I’m in the process of changing the layout/design.

I will be leaving for Tulsa at 4am tomorrow and I want to have my “holiday” background up before I’m gone.

If I were a betting woman…

Tuesday, November 23rd, 2004

I think the funny part of this story about kids drinking margaritas at school is that if they knew they were drinking alcohol…I bet they would have finished their drinks.

Peppermint cheeks

Tuesday, November 23rd, 2004

Praise the Lord! Peppermint mochas are back at Starbucks! And they have red sprinkles!

PS– went out with my missionary friend, and she did not mention my husband and his F-word. Also saw some other people I went to high school with (who also have kids!) and ran into a guy who is a “missionary/actor” in Hollywood. He was on the TV show “Street Smarts” and thought my kiddie had cute chubby cheeks. He said he wanted a kid with chubby cheeks and I told him to marry a chubby woman.

The twat and me

Monday, November 22nd, 2004

WWW.MyHusbandIsAnIdiot.com

I wonder if that is a real domain name, because, if not, I totally need to register it. Besides running off at the grocery store with a cart that had my child in it when we were “going to the jelly isle,” he just did something to cement his stupidity in my book.

So I’m on the phone, leaving a message for a friend. Not just any friend, but a friend who is a MISSIONARY. A freaking missionary. Her voice mail says “God Bless.” I’m trying to hook up with her to go get coffee and chat.

And what does Mr. Idiot do while playing on my bouncy abdominal ball that we just aired up?

Yells “Shit! Fuck!”

I’m speechless. What do I …

Stop drop and roll over and die

Monday, November 22nd, 2004

You. Stop what you are doing. Turn on TV. Oprah’s favorite things are on. What does that mean?? THE SCREAMING WOMEN!

Please watch the show and come back to do some screamer bashing*.

*Yes, I know they are teachers. But they are screaming and therefore, we must say “Stop the screaming, bitches!” So don’t give me some teacher yadda yadda. I don’t want to hear it.

UPDATES:
The bitches are getting flat screen TVs. My little TV hates you.

“Mother, mother,” called Bambi.

Monday, November 22nd, 2004

You may or may not know this, but I absolutely HATE hunting. Now, I’m no hippie– I firmly believe that Organic means “full of bugs” but I think that hunting is absolutely barbaric.

Hey! Let’s get some guns and shoot Bambi’s mother! We’ll drink beer! And take pictures of the dead bodies!

But, what type of people are doing this activity? Doesn’t it scare you to think that this guy is allowed to get a gun and go and shoot little animals? And not just shoot little animals but shoot and kill FIVE OTHER PEOPLE over a hunting stand?

In my book, besides being a horrible asshole and evil person, this guy is just as bad as those people who kill people for …

So funny, its not.

Monday, November 22nd, 2004

My inner critic says I need a weblog award. Yeah, like I have a chance at that. :)

Actually, my Inner Critic thinks that these awards are like high school. The Cheerleaders always win Prom Queen. Don’t let the cheerleaders win. Go vote for someone. Anyone. Right now.

Public Service Announcement

Sunday, November 21st, 2004

I need to find a new blog host. Any ideas are welcome. Thank you.

Something awful this way comes

Sunday, November 21st, 2004

When you have a child, people will ask you questions about how different life is. Sure, you don’t sleep as much and you learn to have little to no personal time and words like “latch” and “poop” become part of your daily vocabulary.

But they don’t tell you about the other stuff. Things like how you can learn to poop in a matter of 2.5 seconds, 2.0 seconds if you’re really in a hurry. They don’t mention that when you go to a store, you will scan the parking lot, looking for a perfect spot that is 1. not surrounded by other cars and 2. near a shopping cart for easy access.

I’ll get a shopping cart for a gallon of milk …

A Lush Birthday

Sunday, November 21st, 2004

I had a GREAT birthday, in case you were wondering. WHY? Because The Hubs is such an absolutely wonderful husband, he is so thoughtful and made the day just GREAT.

And of course, it revolved around food. I like to eat.

Donuts for breakfast, Chipolte burritos for lunch and dinner at a Mexican restaurant called Chuy’s. It is the same restaurant that the Bush Twins got busted at for underage drinking but they just opened up one here in Suburbia.

Hurray for suburbia!

So, since it was my birthday of gluttony, I ordered “a drink.” And by drink I mean a margarita. And it had swirls in it! Swirls!

And I drank my drink and somewhere around the end of that drink, I started to …

Life is good.

Friday, November 19th, 2004

A year ago today, I remember being so upset at work. I had recently gotten in trouble while there and I remember saying how much I wanted to quit, how much I hated it.

Here’s a quote: (sorry about the question marks instead of the apostrophies)

I�ve been formally reprimanded, which is the last stage before firing.
I told him the truth. I�m pregnant, am learning to deal with all that goes with this, am tired of the job, feel that I�m being picked on because I�m different, yadda yadda yadda. I told him I�m already looking elsewhere for employment. He understands. Being different here isn�t accepted. Being 23 (24 tomorrow), writing features and being pregnant isn�t very good, either.
Maybe this …

Irish Humping Bunnies

Friday, November 19th, 2004

So, I have another website, one that is my “personal” website where my family is allowed to come and look at a “Grandma-okay” version of what I normally say. Basically, I chronicled my pregnancy from week to week (from week 4 to 40! With pictures!) on there and now there are pictures of Ellie and her updates for grandparents and aunts and whoever else in my family reads it.

Do you know how hard it is to come up with something grandma acceptable? For me? Very, very hard.

Anyway, the domain is almost up and I think it is time to switch the name to something else. Only problem? ALL THE DAMN DOMAINS ARE TAKEN.

All the good ones, anyway.

Okie dokie. I’ve …

spot the spot

Friday, November 19th, 2004

Today’s fun TV quote: (It is about men.)

“They can’t find their socks, do you expect them to find ‘the spot?’”

A Chile Divorce

Thursday, November 18th, 2004

Should I make BS have her own category? Anyway. She (or the Hilton sisters) can now move to Chile as Chileans are allowed to get divorced. Come on, you know it is only a matter of time.

I DO NOT LIKE ROD STEWART, PEOPLE.

Thursday, November 18th, 2004

From what I understand, my “Wishlist for my husband to come up with good presents” may not be working correctly. I do not like Clay Aiken. I repeat: I DO NOT LIKE CLAY AIKEN.

I interviewed him once, by the way. And I took a leak at his grandparents house. And I watched TV with them. Why? Because I’m cool. Oh, and I gave them my copy of People magazine with him on the cover.

BUT I DO NOT LIKE CLAY AIKEN.

Okay. Is Is this it? Can you read that? Perhaps the hubs will get me a present?

Stereotypical beauty blahs

Thursday, November 18th, 2004

Shame, shame Heidi, Hillary and Tyra. Obviously they feel bigger is better.

A time to remember, lest we never forget.

Thursday, November 18th, 2004

Five years ago this morning, I woke up at 6:30am thanks to a phone call from my friend, Shannon. It turned out that the Texas A&M Bonfire had collapsed.

It was my first semester at A&M as I had transferred in and a big reason I had decided to attend that school over UT was that I went to Bonfire and found it amazing. There was so much school spirit, it was almost eerie. I felt a connection with the school and knew that was where I should be.

The day before Bonfire fell, we had drove past the site and made a joke about it falling or something like that. And then it fell. And killed twelve people, including …

She didn’t graduate high school, really?

Wednesday, November 17th, 2004

Goody! I’ve been meaning to search the BS (That is, Britney Spears) post-wedding poem she wrote for her website.

Here it is.

The highlites for those of you too lazy to click:

A honeymoon at last, to get away from it all
My assistant Fe gave me the call.

I remember it well, as she was smilin’
She said it was called Turtle Island.

and, my personal favorite…

A meal, a shower and some ice cream
Then I threw my man down, you know what I mean

Ideas

Wednesday, November 17th, 2004

Note to Husband: I have a Wishlist.

Here doggie…..

Wednesday, November 17th, 2004

Hey…I may have to pump, but at least I don’t breastfeed a dog.

WYS is NOT WYG

Wednesday, November 17th, 2004

Here is a tip for people who may ever be around babies: BE CAREFUL.

So I bet you are looking at these two photos and you think that the first one is all nasty. As in “Eww, that baby has something on its face and it is yuck.” And you may be looking at the second picture and think “Look at that little baby, with nothing on its face.”

But you are WRONG. The first baby may have boob cereal on the face, but the second one has GERMS. Germs are bad.

The problem with little babies is that they are sneaky. That second baby convinced me to kiss her on the lips multiple times, even though I knew she had a …

Nasssty

Wednesday, November 17th, 2004

Now I know why The Hubs didn’t want me to get Ellie’s ears pierced.

Acceptable spellings

Wednesday, November 17th, 2004

Is it me, or does it seem kind of funny that the lady that Bush nominated for the Education position is named Spellings?

Also acceptable: Maths, Recesses and Sciences.

Not acceptable but funny: LunchLadies, PhysEds, BigFatObnoxiousBullies.

Wholesome Random Goodness

Wednesday, November 17th, 2004

Wholesome random goodness for you to think about while I take a shower:

1. When I was in the fifth grade, I chipped my front tooth on a paper cutter. Think about it.
2. The other day, while I was standing in line at the fabric store to buy fabric for a very unGodly price (actually, it was a great deal, it just cost a lot BUT WAS WORTH IT.) I saw a very interesting person. It was a “little person,” but I like to call them midgits and she was hispanic and had a mullet. I felt like I won the lottery with that one.
3. The Hubs and I have discussed putting up a picture on the Craigslist section where people …

Hello, world!

Tuesday, November 16th, 2004

My inner critic could kick your inner critic’s butt.

Tuesday, November 16th, 2004

I went to the Therapist today, did you know that? Well, I did. And right now my child is laying in her crib, crying, because she needs to take a nap but can’t figure out just how to do so.

I hate making her lay in bed and cry but I have to give her five minutes or else I’ll go nuts. The five minutes of crying makes it easier to get her to sleep.

The fact that my child is crying right now has nothing to do with what I want to say, yet at the same time, it has everything to do with what I want to say.

My “therapist” says that I have an inner critic. I believe that …

The Virgin Sandwich

Tuesday, November 16th, 2004

I really don’t get the Catholic fascination with the Virgin Mary. Heck, I was Catholic until I was 12 and I don’t get it. (In case you’re wondering, I’m Baptist now. And I dance. And drink.)

But a Virgin Mary sandwich?

The weird thing is that she kept it on her bedside table. And she didn’t eat it. Man, if I go through all the motions of making a sandwich, I’m gonna eat it. I don’t care if Ghandi is on the sandwich or Winona Ryder or The Donald…I’m gonna eat that sucker.

Three way?

Tuesday, November 16th, 2004

Uh, you shouldn’t be doing that in front of the kids…what is that teaching them?

Genitally speaking…

Tuesday, November 16th, 2004

I meant to say, the other day, my Mother-in-law called and I was talking to her for a bit. We’re all “la la baby la la Christmas la la Thanksgiving la la.”

And then she tells me that something triggered a herpes outbreak. Then the shit hits the fan. “The oral kind, not the genital kind.”

I feel like crying now. That’s up there with my Mom telling me and my husband that she wants to stay at my Grandparents house when she visits so they can have sex in their guest room.

Can’t you people just leave your genitals out of the conversation?

I don’t want to be myself, anyway.

Tuesday, November 16th, 2004

There is this commercial about Playtex bras (by the way, I don’t think a bra brand and a tampon brand should be the same name, but whatever.) and there’s this cute skinny chick and she’s happy because Playtex now offers bras in half sizes.

And she wants to thank them for letting her be herself.

I don’t care what you think, but this is a country that is suited for the little boobied person. If you’re not little boobied, then you must be “Plus sized” and that is that.

Bras? For little boobies. Try finding one in a big boobie size that is NORMAL. Bathing suit tops? Either you are a B cup (that is the actual size of the boobie, men) or …

Don’t get all Allah on my ass…

Monday, November 15th, 2004

Calling all idiots: Your god definately wants you to set yourself on fire in front of the White House.

Albuquerque.

Monday, November 15th, 2004

I know I went to Albuquerque a few weeks ago but I packed up all the camera stuff and couldn’t get the pictures online until now.

I’m so together. Actually, I’m just busy making cakes and stuff.

Anyway, when I lived with my Mom here in Texas, she lived in a “manufactured home” also known as a trailer. The nicest trailer you’ve ever lived in, but a trailer nonetheless.

Anyway, since they moved, well, They’re Living The High Life Now. You should go visit Albuquerque, New Mexico. Actually, you should be lucky enough to visit someone with a kickass house in NM and enjoy the high life there.

This is the front of their house, which is in the back. Does that …

Living La Vida Cocoa

Monday, November 15th, 2004

When did I become Suzy Homemaker again? When?

I’m all up on his homemaking shiznit. One time, while driving to the grocery store for the one hundreth time that day, I had the thought “I should have been one of those Home Economics majors in college.”

WHAT? HUH?

This past weekend, I made curtains. And a bedskirt. As in I went to the fabric store and bought fabric. I nearly crapped my pants upon finding the Perfect Fabric that was Half Price Off and SO PURDY. So what do I do? I grab the fabric and run up to the front of the store to stand in the line that neverends so I can get my fabric cut. Only problem? The …

Ellie! Bad Ellie!

Monday, November 15th, 2004

Dear Ellie,

Okay, I can try and deal with the fact that you woke up FOUR times last night and screamed like it was going out of style. (By the way, if something is going out of style, I don’t want to be using it.) I’ll deal, even though you knew we were going to wake up early to drive Daddy to work to see if we could do this whole one-car household thingie.

But one side of my nose is stuffed up and it is DRIVING ME NUTS. If you give me your cold….let’s not go there, shall we?

Love,
Your Mama

The entry that I type with my boobie hanging out

Friday, November 12th, 2004

I remember, BB, that is, Before Baby, that it was not uncommon for both me and The Hubs to wear a shirt and then hang it back up for another wearing.

Why would we wash a shirt after only one wear? I mean, hello, it was a perfectly FINE shirt unless it smelled funny or had a stain of coffee, tomato sauce or blood on it. And even then, the blood could be hidden and I’d wear it again.

But now? We always have loads of laundry to do. Why? BECAUSE OUR SHIRTS ARE ALWAYS COVERED IN BABY FLAVORED DROOL OR SPIT-UP OR WHO KNOWS WHAT ELSE COMES OUT OF A BABY’S MOUTH.

My clothes seem confused. Why am I putting them in …

Oh no!

Friday, November 12th, 2004

How to scare my husband:

Have the thought “I could totally have another kid once this one is potty trained.”

I have a feeling he’ll keep her in diapers till she’s twelve now.

QUICK FRIDAY POLL!

Friday, November 12th, 2004

The verdict for the Scott Peterson trial will be announced in twenty minutes. Will he pull an OJ? What do you think and WHY? (Okay, you don’t even have to say why. Just whatcha think.)

Pencil thin mustache

Friday, November 12th, 2004

Everyone has a subject, a topic, hell, perhaps even a word that brings up uncomfortable memories and makes you want to tuck your tail between your legs and run screaming for your happy place.

For me, the word is simple, a word used often to describe the physical features of a person. Mustache.

I shudder even typing the word. I must go find my happy place now.

When I was in the sixth grade, the hair on my upper lip must have started to turn darker because I came up with the idea to shave it.

I pulled out my pink plastic razor and did a little trim on the hairs around the edges of my mouth. There. Better! No more hair!

That is, …

Ellie, month four.

Thursday, November 11th, 2004

Dear Ellie,

Tomorrow you turn four months old. I remember when I was pregnant and I hit the four month mark and it seemed like I had FOREVER to go. And now you’re here and I wonder how did I ever go all that time without knowing you?

Your third month has definately been a month of firsts.

You now stand. And when I say “stand” I mean stand up by only holding onto my thumbs. Walking is any minute dear. I can tell. The standing up thing is cute and all, but do we really have to play Stand Up Time all day long? Wouldn’t you like to sit? Or lay?

You also got a first haircut as that whole raggedy baby hair …

Me so talented.

Thursday, November 11th, 2004

Nouvel updated. Woo hoo!

Stupid is as stupid does

Thursday, November 11th, 2004

Said by yours truly:

(In IKEA) “Instead of a wicker basket, let’s get a whiskered biscuit.”

(On the couch last night.)
ME: That book looks good.
HIM: What’s it about?
ME: I don’t know.

Dear Oprah…

Wednesday, November 10th, 2004

Dear Oprah:

I know that you’re doing this “Before and After Natural Makeover” thing today. So you have these people and you show a before picture and then they eat salad while standing on one leg before rubbing organic mustard all over their crotch and Bam! Ten years younger!

The problem with this is that in the after photos, these people have professional makeup on. I’m talking about that pancake stuff they put on your face– these women have so much foundation on that I can’t see skin. But you’re talking about how great they look after rubbing that organic mustard on their crotches and your little groupies are all screaming and clapping like wild geese on crack.

What is going on? I …

Family Matters

Wednesday, November 10th, 2004

Do you know what I hate? You do? Because I’m always talking about things I hate?

I hate baby showers. Hate them so much that I didn’t have one of my own. I also hate wedding showers. I hate any kind of shower that doesn’t involve WATER.

My sister just called me on the phone, while I was driving back from the doctor where they told me Ellie had a cold! A cold! And you can’t do anything about it, nanny nanny booboo!

My cousin, The Retarded Nice Family Member is having a baby shower because she And The Guy Who Beats Her are having a baby. And my sister wants me to go in on the present with her.

If the guy …

You’ve been a bad girl!

Wednesday, November 10th, 2004

You know, discipline is an important topic to discuss. Especially if you’re in business. That’s why, when I open my own bakery one day, I plan on spanking my employees.

Chopstick Calendar

Wednesday, November 10th, 2004

It seems to me, that every time I’m not able to blog, I think of something that I want to blog about. So, I may be sitting on the potty, or lying in bed, and I start to construct a blog entry in my mind. Then I think to myself “Self! You are FUNNY! Everyone would LOVE to hear that story about your toe and what it did that was so damn funny.”

Then I go take a shower and eat a sandwich and I forget what I’m going to write about. DAMNIT!

Okay. I remembered one of my stories. Yesterday, it occured to me that it was time for Ellie’s four month checkup, which includes shots. I had two times written …

I should be going to sleep, but…

Wednesday, November 10th, 2004

Okay, this is too funny. (Stolen from ALMTTR.

She’s the virtual bartender! So the deal is…you can get her to do things. She’ll dance, she’ll flip her hair and they say she’ll eat a banana. And guess what happens if you tell her to kiss a girl?

YUP.

Things she won’t do so far include masturbate, pee and touch her boob.

Must. Keep. Playing.

Passing the bar…

Tuesday, November 9th, 2004

The problem with hanging out with people who you knew in college is that most of the meetings will involve alcohol. Well, the alcohol isn’t the problem, as I figured out this past weekend, when we met up at two friends’ house (they are married) and watched the A&M VS OU football game on their really big TV.

At first, they only had beer, which I don’t drink, so it seemed like it would be another boring football game for SJ. But then! Then! Oh, they brought out the frufru drinks. The margaritas!

I am a SUCKER for margaritas. At first, I was like “Woah this is a crazy margarita” but the more I drank, the better it became. Surprise, surprise.

I could …

Since I asked and my shirt now smells like formula….

Tuesday, November 9th, 2004

Martha wants to know what part of my life has changed the most since Little Bear came along.

What part hasn’t? Pooping is no longer a long, drawn out process involving magazines. Now it is a 2-second poop, wipe, flush and hand wash before someone starts screaming. I enjoy little things like sitting on the couch, reading a magazine a lot more. I never get to see movies, something I love to do. It takes about 5 times as much time to get ANYTHING done as my child requires constant attention– just like her mommy :)

But, at the same time, I love that little girl so much, so I guess that has changed. I didn’t realize I could love someone else …

Since I asked and you tried to play along but I’m boring…

Tuesday, November 9th, 2004

Antonia asks what type of art do I like? Well, since we are in the process of finding “art” for our bedroom as it needs to feel a little more homey and less stark, I am discovering I am drawn to artwork that has people or buildings in it.

Weird. And it can’t be too contemporary, either.

I’m so weird. And boring. Still boring. BUT! I’m having a Christmas party now! How fun!

Since I asked…

Tuesday, November 9th, 2004

Two questions! I’m so excited!

Okie, first Jamie asks why I blog and why not just keep a journal. Well, I’ve tried to keep a journal. Really. I have one hundred journals lying around where it ends up becoming me bitching and whining about things going on in life. My journals are incrediably boring and nothing I’d prefer to read. And I SUCK at keeping journals. But blogging? Well, it is a lot easier for me as I love to type on the computer and am a fast typer. Not to mention, it is a great way to stay connected with other people and get to see what’s going on in the world. I don’t have that feeling of being alone …

Lame-o Blame-o

Tuesday, November 9th, 2004

Hi! I have another problem but this one is a different type of problem! I can’t think!

Why? Well, I have a story to tell you about moving into our apartment but it involves taking a picture and I haven’t had the time to take the picture yet….so I can’t tell that story. And I can’t show you our apartment yet (which totally ROCKS) because well, it is still a mess and certain walls aren’t painted yet and that’s the whole fun of our apartment is that it will be so badass once it is done.

And the news? Bleh. The news sucks. So there’s not much to talk about there. And the baby? She has a cold and her 4 month …

Begging

Monday, November 8th, 2004

Hi! I really need help. You see, my old site is still up. WHY? Because I’m an idiot and can’t get my archives to import and I don’t think it is fair to my old host to keep it up when this is up and running.

I tried and I tried and I just can’t get the archives up. Anyone willing to help?

Just because I’m having a brain fart…

Monday, November 8th, 2004

This photo needs a caption! What do you think would be one?
I’ll go first.

Whee! Dinner!

One of these things is not like the others….

Monday, November 8th, 2004

Like what you see?

Well, she was a he.

Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

Sunday, November 7th, 2004

I have tried as long as I could not to comment on some of the search engine requests that get people here.

Cheesecake breastmilk? What? Are you making cheesecake WITH breastmilk? Yes, it is sweet, but I don’t think it would make a good cheesecake. I hear you should try making them WITH CHEESE. Read: Boob Milk bad. Cheese good.

Of course, we also have fufu vagina. My vagina USED to be a little fufu, but after I had a baby and stopped taking care of it properly, it is more like a fat, hairy, chainsmoking busdriver than some fufu bitch.

I get a lot of Sarcasam/sarcastic queries. Let me explain this to you: If you are having to google How To Be …

My two favorite people.

Sunday, November 7th, 2004

Fathers be good to your daughters.

Daughters will love like you do.
Girls become lovers.
Turn into mothers.

So mothers be good to your daughters, too.

Fo yo information…

Sunday, November 7th, 2004

Hey, in case you didn’t notice, I have an about me page up. I’ve also updated it a little.

I can see clearly now…

Saturday, November 6th, 2004

I remember, for awhile there, it seemed as if every post of mine was falling under the “Craziness” category. I remember how I felt– how horrible, underappreciated (even though I was appreciated fine!), moody, sad, mad, tired….and how I just wanted to feel better.

One day, as I stood in the shower, trying to will myself into feeling better as the water rolled over my body, I thought to myself that I wanted it to stop. To end.

But what? What to end? I didn’t want to end my life, nor did I want to end being a wife or a mother. I wanted the feelings of sadness, the inexplicable sadness that would overcome me in the afternoons, to stop. To …

Suzy Homebaker

Friday, November 5th, 2004

When did I become Suzy Homemaker? One year ago, I was a badass. I was a journalist, interviewed all sorts of people and came up with all sorts of stories.

I was about to interview Jimmy Carter, for crying out loud!

Now?!?!?! I’m watching “A Makeover Story” on TLC while my child ingests all sorts of bumble-bee shaped toys on the floor. I have a bag full of sprays to put up her nose as she has a cold and a couple of recipes that I’m about to make.

Who is this person? I do laundry and buy matching sheet/comforter sets and plan on picking out paint colors for my bedroom. I’m buying a fouton and nearly crapped my pants when my Mom …

Take this baby and shove it out

Friday, November 5th, 2004

Today’s fun “A Baby Story” phrase: “Shove that baby out!”

Hurry! Operators are standing by!

Friday, November 5th, 2004

You know, if you haven’t pissed your family off enough yet, I have an idea for you. Why don’t you get them plastic surgery vouchers?

Nothing says “Let’s celebrate the birth of Jesus!” more than lipo.

Religion and politics, all in one post!

Friday, November 5th, 2004

Hi! I’m back! And I have a cable modem! Cable! Hi!

Okie dokie, since I’m late to the internet party, I have two more cents to add to this political/moral issues that are being discussed and then I’m through with it. Okie dokie?

I see so much negativity about “religious people” and how horrible they are and how they are bad for this country and are trying to throw their religion on everyone else. That may be the case for some but not for me.

I am what most of these people are against. I’m a Christian, a “born again” Christian who has even been “baptized” and “gone on a mission trip.” I “didn’t have sex until marriage” and “got married by …

Double whammy

Thursday, November 4th, 2004

I just have to say this: Wednesday must have been a horrible day for John Edwards’ wife. I thought of how it felt to lose the election but then to find out you have cancer the same day….

MIA

Wednesday, November 3rd, 2004

I will be posting at random times until Friday morning as the stupid high speed cable internet guy couldn’t find my house and I had my cell phone off. That means that my internet connection will be up and running for sure on Friday morning. Until then I’m at the mercy of the apartment office computers.

Miss me, won’t ya?

Apathy rules!

Wednesday, November 3rd, 2004

I’m laughing my ass off right now. I just can’t believe it.

Oh, you know what I’m talking about. You KNOW. I didn’t find out the election results until a few minutes ago (it is 5pm) and I was shocked. Felt a little odd, almost down as I didn’t want either of them to win and I think both had good and bad points, but I just couldn’t believe it.

Did my sadness mean I secretly wanted Kerry to win? I think I should be President because I could get this shit right. Everyone should have voted for me because I think gay people should get married and I’d really like to go to a gay wedding.

I had predicted Kerry would win, …

Don’t get all political on me.

Tuesday, November 2nd, 2004

Just because I’m not voting doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. If my voter registration had gone through in NC like it should have (BECAUSE I DID REGISTER TO VOTE!) I would be voting there. But I’m not there and I forgot to register in Texas so that means I don’t have to vote which is good because I can’t really make up my mind.

So you should go vote for me. Here are my important views: Gay marriage=good. Stem cell research=good. Taxes=bad.

I’m just ready for all this to END!

Rain on this parade, biznitch.

Tuesday, November 2nd, 2004

**Wipes boob milk off her arm and sighs.**

We’re back from Albuquerque. In case you were confused, WE ARE NOT MOVING TO ALBUQUERQUE. My reign of terror in Texas has not come to an end. Anyway….

Our flight got delayed tonight. Hurray for Continental Airlines and Bad Weather! Thank you for letting me entertain my small child in an airport! We had so much fun, especially the part where she drooled all over my left boobie and my hoodie looked like I had been lactating.

My favorite part happened once we reached Houston. It took AN HOUR to get to my truck. In the rain. What was so fun about this? Well, for some reason, the people at the ticket counter didn’t …


My Flickr photos.