Archive for October, 2004

SJ talks to a politics pusher, hilarity ensues….

Sunday, October 31st, 2004

Growing up in Texas, I never experienced a political ad for the President. One time, we were watching a commercial and it said “I am Jared and I approve this commercial.” I was confused as to why everyone on these ads were saying that. WHY?

BECAUSE NOBODY EVER CAMPAIGNS IN TEXAS!

So imagine my delightment when we get to Albuquerque, New Mexico and there are ads everywhere! John Kerry! George Bush! Vote for me! Him! My Mom told me that they get tons of calls from Kerry/Bush supporters, trying to persuade them to the “other side.” Yesterday, when we were driving to a Mexican restaurant, where I’d get sloshed off one blue margarita, we saw Kerry supporters going door to door.

I …

Great! I forgot to get her a costume!

Saturday, October 30th, 2004

I’m still on vacation but my husband was looking at This this morning (stolen from Captain Rusty.)

My favorite? Nancy Reagan. We could probably borrow a casket from my Dad for free, too.

Won’t you play with my dingaling?

Thursday, October 28th, 2004

Okie dokie! Sine I will be MIA until Monday, we will have class participation time again. What do you call your genitals and what will/do/might you call the genitals of your child?

My answer: Cooter for me. Girl bits for Ellie.

Please excuse my “S” button as it isn’t working…

Thursday, October 28th, 2004

No one ever said it would be easy to be a parent.

In case you don’t know, I’m not a big fan of the “cry it out” method. I don’t like it when Ellie cries, something my “therapist” insists that I have to get over. I’ll rock and swing and cuddle and hold and walk and feed that baby, all so she doesn’t have to cry.

But sometimes she cries and I can’t stop it. And it SUCKS. I don’t like the crying! I want to make the crying stop!

Today I am trying a revised version of the cry it out method. It is the put her in the bedroom and then after I hear the cries over all the noises …

Vote or use a pink toothbrush!

Thursday, October 28th, 2004

My poor husband must think that it is my job to torture him.

Besides buying him a pink toothbrush because “it is funny,” I tend to do many things that would annoy the average person. Sometimes, especially before I started on the meds, I’d call him up at work.

But instead of saying “Hi, honey, I’m wearing nothing but a smile,” I put the phone up to the baby and let her cry for him.

Last night I did another typical SJ thing. I was laying on the couch, watching South Park, when I realized how funny the show was. It was about voting and the kids had to choose a mascot and the choices were A Giant Douchebag and A …

One hell of a dipstick…

Wednesday, October 27th, 2004

I was reading Mimi Smartypants and she was talking about the “Casual Encounters” section of Craigslist and how people post pictures of their penises. Or weiners, as I like to call them.

It’s true! People really do this! And just to show you, I found one for you. Let me just say this: I am very very very scared.

Also, that link wasn’t safe for work, around children, grandparents or people with a heart condition.

It’s oh so quiet.

Wednesday, October 27th, 2004

If you would have told me a year ago today how things would be now, I would have laughed. One year ago Saturday, I found out I was pregnant with Elliebear. I was so upset. I couldn’t imagine how I could have a life with a baby.

But not now. Now I’m so happy.

And so is she. Why is she happy? Because we’re moving on Tuesday to our new apartment! No more poopy floors and overflowing toilets! As usual, we’re moving with ONE WEEK’S NOTICE.

And just to make it a little more fun, we’ll be in Albuquerque, NM starting tomorrow night. Do I have any NM readers?

So sorry this is choppy and boring but I figured I’d explain my silence. The …

Class participation time!!!

Tuesday, October 26th, 2004

What do you think is the reason why Ellie is so happy?

Giddy-up!

Tuesday, October 26th, 2004

So The View (TV show) is in Dallas this week. As in Dallas, Texas. Let me tell you, I’m getting a little annoyed at how they keep portraying Texas. Cowboys, cowboy boots and cows. Oh, and excess! Excessivly furry outfits and who knows what else.

I’m not sure what Texas they are visiting but it is not my version. Here, in Houston, there are cows, BUT THEY ARE OUT IN THE COUNTRY. If you go out of town to visit another city, yes, you’ll see some cows. But you’ll also see malls and shopping centers and houses as well.

I NEVER see people wearing cowboy boots. I am 24 years old, almost 25, have lived in Texas for 22 of those years …

Small, small world!

Monday, October 25th, 2004

So I had a nice new reader send me an email last week, saying many nice things to Yours Truly. So I email back as I try to do when my baby isn’t crapping her pants at the exact moment I read the email, and I find out she lives where my Dad lives.

And she tells me an identifying feature about her MIL– specifically what position in the local government she currently occupies– and I ask my Dad if he knows the lady.

And he did.

Weird. It’s like a Small World. (Que dancing puppets.) My Dad knew a family member of one of my blog readers. I feel connected.

Caught off guard

Monday, October 25th, 2004

Dear Ashlee Simpson:

Even though I found myself watching repeats of your show when my baby was first born, I find you annoying. So, I didn’t feel too sorry for you when you got caught lip-synching on Saturday Night Live. I saw a tiny clip of it and saw how you tried to act all “cool” by kicking and dancing but really, you are the type of wannabe that poses as being bad ass.

Do you remember the old phrase “poser?” That’s you.

So, for future reference, if you are, in fact, a lip-syncher, it might not be a good idea to say this in an interview:

“I’m totally against it and offended by it,” Simpson told Lucky magazine. “I’m going out to …

Halfies

Monday, October 25th, 2004

Other site somewhat updated.

Fleeting fame

Monday, October 25th, 2004

Here’s a little tidbit you don’t know about me: You remember The Menendez Brothers? You know, the ones who killed their parents and it was a big media sensation?

Well, the Dad (who died) had a brother. And I stayed at his house in California. You see, my friend was a member of their family and we all went to San Diego and stayed at this house. These people had money. They lived next door to a professional football player.

And their last name was Menendez and we’d go out and I’d see the Aunt sign her name and it was Menendez and I wanted nothing more than to yell “Don’t you realize who this woman is? She’s a …

Archie Bather

Monday, October 25th, 2004

My Dad has a tendency to watch certain TV shows ad nauseum. One time, we were watching an episode of “All In The Family,” and I have to admit, it was my first time to see this show, and Archie Bunker decided to go and secretly baptize his grandchild.

It was a big deal because his son-in-law, Meathead, didn’t believe in God and didn’t want the baby baptized.

We went to my Dad’s house on Friday night to spend the night before dropping the kid off with my sister to go to Astroworld. The Hubs had already gone to bed before my Dad and Stepmother got home from their outing (see? I told you we were old!) and Ellie and …

One more note

Sunday, October 24th, 2004

Note to My Husband:

If your wife is using a manual breast pump in a crowded parking lot and you want to HELP, I have a few tips for you. Please do not jerk the thing in your utter excitement because “milk is coming out!” The nipple is normally attached to my body and I’d like to keep it that way.

By the way, you haven’t lived until you’ve been “pumped” while surrounded by people eating chips in minivans.

We paid $50, we will have a good time!

Sunday, October 24th, 2004

So we went out to intermingle with the General Public, also known as the people who go to Six Flags, this weekend. And when I say “general public” please know that I mean a cross between thugs, hicks, people who definately need to put some more clothes on and families.

All in one place!

There’s just so much that happens when one goes out into the world and gets to interact with people they normally don’t see so I’ll try and remember everything worth remembering.

When did “thugs” start wearing pink? I saw a many members of the homey tribe wearing pink shirts and hats, as if they were part of some Gay Gang or something. Perhaps these are the “homo thugs” I …

Randomly speaking

Friday, October 22nd, 2004

1. I found the nipple video shot before he sent it. We were watching and I see my “moonpie” and on screen, I’m tucking it back in. Somehow he missed that one. I’m pointing like, hello, boobie!
2. We are most likely moving out of the apartment November 5.
3. Oreos are good.
4. Ellie has a tooth. My boobs are crying.
5. You haven’t lived until you’ve changed a barium poop diaper. Instead of the normal mustard yellow/green clumps, it is thick, creamy and pale yellow. It is like an easter egg in her pants!
6. Instead of fall, it is still SUMMER here in Houston. I’m so glad I moved to the hottest place in the US right now. We’re even hotter …

The Milk Made Me Do It

Friday, October 22nd, 2004

Okie dokie. We’ve got a problem. Tomorrow, The Hubs, our friend The Guy Who Craps In Bathtubs, his girlfriend and Me/I/Yours Truly are going to ASTROWORLD!

The problem? So are my boobies.

You see, we are driving to Boremont, I mean, Beaumont (where my Dad lives) to drop off the kiddie with my sister. So that means the kiddie will be with someone else.

Are you following?

And my boob pump is electric. And we don’t have a manual one and we really don’t have the money to buy one just for ONE DAY. Am I supposed to milk myself into a plastic cup in the bathroom?

What do I do?

FYI

Friday, October 22nd, 2004

Just wanted everyone to know I now have a hostee! My friend, Curly Girl is now an official memeber of the Shenuts clan.

PS: I’ve known her since ninth grade! She rocks.

Ewwww

Friday, October 22nd, 2004

Those Red Sox fans are um…very loyal to their team.

Seeing a whole new side of me.

Thursday, October 21st, 2004

Note to my husband: If you are going to make home movies of your baby and send them to your parents, perhaps, just perhaps, you should check the video to make sure that your wife’s nipple isn’t accidentally hanging out of her tank top.

He cleared it up for me

Thursday, October 21st, 2004

Thank you, Bill Cosby, for telling me that it is not okay for a 15-year-old to have a child.

Cause, you know, I was kinda confused on that issue. 15? Not okay. 16? Totally okay. I get it.

Sharp thoughts

Thursday, October 21st, 2004

And, like a typical man, he just puts the knives back in the drawer without washing them off.

Boo!

Thursday, October 21st, 2004

Here’s an idea….if Halloween might piss of real witches, instead of not celebrating it at school with candy, why don’t they just let the witches come in and cast spells on all of those who piss them off?

I mean, come on, you’re a WITCH. You can handle a couple of little kids dressed up as Spiderman.

Our early morning…

Thursday, October 21st, 2004

Update: We are back from the Upper GI test. Ellie did EXCELLENT. The nurse said she was the best kid she has seen this week and she saw a lot of kids this week. She didn’t cry too much while waiting (since she couldn’t eat she was STARVING) it was more whining. Then they gave her the barium milkshake and man, did she drink that shit up.

It was like “Umm! Barium! I LOVE Barium! And x-rays? I’m soooo totally into those!” In fact, she was laughing during the x-rays.

Who is this weird kid and how did she get so happy?

Anyway, she does have reflux but I’m going to have to wait to hear back from the doc to …

Nastiness that has become ordinary

Wednesday, October 20th, 2004

Since our toilet is STILL not fixed, I thought I’d go outside and give you a little photographic evidence.

This is poo/pee water, people. Standing poo/pee water. Normally there is DIRT here.

This is toilet paper. Toilet paper coming out of the drainage thing outside our bedroom window. Disgusting, isn’t it???

Keeping it real….

Wednesday, October 20th, 2004

Word I learned from watching TV: Homo-Thug

“I’ve dated homo-thugs, I’ve dated Wall Street types…”

Life can’t get any more boring…

Wednesday, October 20th, 2004

This is the face of someone who can’t take her shower because the baby is asleep.*

*I can’t take the shower because THEN she will wake up and cry real tears and my child-free time will be ended AND I’ll have to run around naked and wet to try and calm her down. So I must wait until she is awake and satisfied and back down for another nap before I do my daily duty.

Dear MK, Ash misses you!

Wednesday, October 20th, 2004

Dear Skinny Olsen Twin,

Hi, I know you have a lot of money. You have more money than anyone who has money would know what to do with. You probably have enough money that you could wipe your bony ass with $100 and not feel the pain.

But you decided to go to college anyway and I thought that was cool of you. You see, I find college to be REALLY important. It is a growing and learning experience. So maybe you’re not experiencing freedom for the first time, but you are still learning.

But now you’re missing from school. You’re back in LA. You already look bad enough being the crack-addicted twin (Oh, I mean “the skinny one") but now you may …

Newspaper worthy

Wednesday, October 20th, 2004

A few newspaper tidbits:

1. Dave Barry is taking a year off. The Sunday section of your newspaper just got a lot more boring.
2. I actually read this article and it made me miss writing features stories. Then I remembered who I worked for and I don’t miss it as much. (Oddly enough, the paper I linked to was our main competitor. Ha!)

Barry Yum!

Wednesday, October 20th, 2004

Up until a week ago, Ellie was an all-around happy, chill baby. Didn’t cry much and if she did, it was because she was hungry or wet. Plain and simple. Then, last week, something changed. She started crying. Straining, grunting, arching her back and straightening her legs until she was rigid.

Then she’d look at me and cry. Her face would get really red and she’d have a look of total pain on her face.

So I brought her to the doctor the day before yesterday. And after waiting FOREVER, the doctor came in. Of course, Ellie acted her normally cute and happy self, to which the doctor always exclaims in her Indian (dots not feathers) accent “What a happy baby! A …

In case you’re wondering….

Wednesday, October 20th, 2004

update as to why I’ve been somewhat silent:
1. Toilet=overflowing again.
2. Reaction to the medication Reglan= oh yeah. Big time.
3. Ellie= getting an Upper GI tomorrow to figure out why she’s screaming all the time
4. SJ= too tired, also spent the day yesterday at the Crazy Doc.

Will be back on track today, that is, after I fall back asleep (thanks, Ellie!) and wake up at a more normal time.

Not a brunette, not yet a blonde

Monday, October 18th, 2004

According to BS, she is

Huh? Come again?

Monday, October 18th, 2004

I remember, when I was a wee one, my Mom or my Grandma would send a letter to my teacher on one of the first days of school.

“Please know that SJ is deaf in one ear and needs to be kept away from the class so everybody will point and stare and ask what is wrong with her.”

I don’t think the letter specifically said that, but it did say I am deaf in one ear. Yes, you read that right. I can only hear out of one ear. My left one. Sometimes, I can’t remember which ear I’m deaf in so I have to rub my hand over my hear (**rubs hand on ear**) so I can hear the …

Hello, stop it.

Monday, October 18th, 2004

Dear nature:

What is up? First it is 93 degrees F outside with HIGH humidity. In October! Then there was that big old spider in my truck. A spider! In my truck! While I’m driving! And then I come home and there’s a misquito following me around, buzzing my head. A misquito! In my house!

Please stop it already.

Your friend,
The Sarcastic Journalist

Follow me….to the land of poop

Monday, October 18th, 2004

I think everyone should follow my example and end all conversations with “I gotta go because I have to go fart or something. I’m feeling gassy.”

Not in your wildest dream…

Monday, October 18th, 2004

I’m going to have to devote a whole new category to Oprah if things keep going the way they do.

I found this story over at theCelebrity Babies Blog who I think found it from the Chicago Sun Times.

Oprah managed to piss off a bunch of women pregnant with twins who were specially invited to be in the studio audience of the taping of Julia Roberts show. Thirty-seven pregnant women (25 of which were expecting twins) were invited to supposedly be more favorable towards the pregnant with twins Julia but they expected the show to be more focused on high-risk pregnancies, or at least pregnancy in general.

One of the expectant mothers, Christina Lopez-Strother, complained, “We got nothing. I had to …

Ideas???

Monday, October 18th, 2004

Anyone know how to import MT entries over to Word Press? I still have my old site up and I need to bring things over here because I’m outstaying my welcome.

In case you haven’t seen enough yet…

Saturday, October 16th, 2004

Can’t. Get. Enough. Of. This. Baby.

Unwanted advice:

Friday, October 15th, 2004

Quick multitasking tip:

If your husband accidentally breaks/spills his deodorant on the toilet seat, leave it. That way, every time you sit down to go potty, you get a little extra clean.

Her inner floozy comes out

Friday, October 15th, 2004

Just when you think you’ve heard it all: Sleepwalking sex.

Yearly round-up

Friday, October 15th, 2004

I had a big ol’ post prewritten out because this is a very important week. A year ago this week, I got knocked up. Of course, we wouldn’t find out for a few more weeks but it happened this week. Why? NATURAL FAMILY PLANNING.

Here’s a tip for the wise: Do not use it if you are using it not to get pregnant. You will get knocked up.

So instead of going through all the boring mumbo jumbo I wrote down, I’m gonna wrap this year up for you nice and neat. So, without further ado:

The Sarcastic Journalist’s Guide To Pregnancy, Childbirth and Beyond:

1. Try and come up with a good way to tell your baby daddy that you …

The job that squeezes the life right out of you

Friday, October 15th, 2004

You know, your job could always be worse.

You could be an anal wart researcher or a tampon squeezer.

It is done.

Thursday, October 14th, 2004

My rein of terror has ended. Comments no longer have to be approved. Don’t’ make me regret this. :)

Hey! That’s me!

Thursday, October 14th, 2004

I’m totally obsessed with taking picture phone pictures. Here’s a picture I took today to send to my mom.

Random Nothingness, Part Dos.

Thursday, October 14th, 2004

Roundup of things that may or may not matter to anyone but me:

1. Seven Up Plus is a disappointment. Don’t buy it. It reminds me of the flouride they put in your mouth at the dentist, mixed with carbonated water.
2. I would like to be on the opening credits of The Apprentice because I can make a good “serious, but I can still smile” face.
3. Haircut. Will I ever get one? Probably not.
4. I will be in Albuquerque, NM on Halloween. Come Trick or Treat at my Mom’s house, mkay?
5. We are hopefully leaving the kiddo at my sister’s and going to Six Flags Fright Fest in two weekends.
6. The maple smell of my armpit makes me want waffles.
7. If …

This is for my husband, the douchebag.

Thursday, October 14th, 2004

Since we are enjoying some sorta-fallish weather (Read: Probably in low 70s/upper 60s now) we walked to go to the drug store. So we’re walking back and talking about crazy pills and post partum and crazy ladies on message boards who suggest taking a good multivitamin instead of talking to someone, when the hubs crosses the line:

“Are your aggressive posts going to reduce in number?”

What? What the fuck are you motherfucking talking about? Me, having agressive posts? What, bitch? What’s up with that shit???

It seems, to my husband, that I am having aggressive posts. “Just three of your last four posts have used the terms ’sons of bitches,’ ‘douchebags,’ and ‘motherfucker.’”

Ha. He said “douchebag.”

Isn’t that the fun, though? I may …

Ehhh…annul this.

Thursday, October 14th, 2004

That’s it, damnit. I’m running for President. Why? Because, besides outlawing montages on the radio, I think we should outlaw annulments.

Paris Hilton’s little sister seeks to annul 2-month marriage. Shock me, shock me, shock me with that deviant attitude.

Who are these people who go and get married on a whim? To a friend? What? Why? So you get married to this guy and two months later you want to get it annuled because you are “21, and it’s just not the right time in her life for her to be married. He lives in New York; she’s in L.A.”

TOO FREAKING BAD. You go and get married, you go and get divorced. You can’t get an annulment because you are a …

Whose child is this?

Thursday, October 14th, 2004

Just when you thought Anne Geddes couldn’t get any scarier, they bring in Celine Dion.

And what is up with the green baby hair?

Pats self on back…

Thursday, October 14th, 2004

I can’t get over how beautiful she is. I mean, hello, this is my child and I made something pretty!

I see, said Sam I Am

Thursday, October 14th, 2004

What would happen if The Cat In The Hat and Barbie mated.

Just so you know…

Thursday, October 14th, 2004

There are certain people who want to know why they can’t access my site. The funny thing about replying to their requests is that I am responding in my blog. Why is it funny?

BECAUSE I BLOCKED YOU.

I know there seems to be a whole “To block or not to block” question going on out there. I understand that blocking is not the end all/be all to blogging and access but I do understand that most of us use one or two main computers a day. If I block those then you will have to work extra hard to visit here.

Let me explain this to you. This is not a democracy. This is a dictatorship and I, SJ, am your …

Just because I can…

Thursday, October 14th, 2004

Today’s fun phone conversation:

ME: Oh shit, you scared me. I was on the toilet and had the phone next to me.
HER: Too bad you weren’t holding it between your legs.
ME: Nah, it wasn’t on vibrate. It was on Justin Timberlake.
HER: Oh, that sucks.

My doofy baby.

Wednesday, October 13th, 2004

When I’m constipated, I tend to grab my belly and go “woaahhhh! I need to poo!” When my child may be constipated, she pulls her legs in the air, turns red and grunts.

So we look up baby constipation on the internet. It makes me wonder what type of people are allowed to be parents.

We do NOT recommend:
putting other things in the baby’s rectum, like soap or pencils

Nothing makes your baby want to crap like a pencil in ye old anus.

This reminds me of back in the early year of our marriage and the hubs and I were both having poo problems. So we bought me some “pink pills” which are laxatives. I took pink pills at night …

Calling Major Tom…

Wednesday, October 13th, 2004

Do you remember September 11? How about when that spaceship crashed last year? Do you remember turning on the radio during those time periods? If you did, and you listened to a crappy station that plays crappy music (as they all do) you probably remember the musical montages with news clips edited in.

In case you don’t live in Houston, we have a little team called The Astros and they are in some playoffs or something. Well, today, as I was driving down the backroads to go to the roads that leads to the road to the crazy doctor, I heard a montage.

For the Astros. It was Eminem’s “Lose Yourself” with clips from recent games edited in. And, at that very …

All her friends tell her she’s so pretty, but she’d be a whole lot prettier if she smiled once in awhile.

Wednesday, October 13th, 2004

“With great power comes great responsibility.”

Sound familiar? It is from “Spiderman.” Someone, and I’ll try and not call her the nasty name I’d like to, said that quote of speaking about me and my blog. As if I’m powerful. Ha.

I’m not sure who she thinks is sitting behind this blog, but I’m a real person. I also have a belief that those who are reading this blog are people too and have opinions and personalities of their own. That means they are capable of making decisions on their own.

But, that being said, I do understand that people read this and that my “struggles” with “the funk” may or may not be of interest to them. Can I …

One bad egg can ruin the whole bunch.

Tuesday, October 12th, 2004

Until further notice, all comments have to be approved by ME. Don’t like it? Too fucking bad.

Ass kickings, part 1,349

Tuesday, October 12th, 2004

I’m trying to be positive and fight this whole nagging sadness that sometimes overwhelmes me. I have an appointment with my crazy doctor tomorrow to go over some of the “issues” that I have.

I’m starting to think that I need meds for this, however. I’ve had troubles falling asleep, I’ve had moments where I’m just sitting here and the sadness hits and I know the funk is coming on. I’m trying to fight it and not let it overcome me like it has in the past.

One way I’m doing it is by going on a walk. It is FINALLY fall-like weather here, according to the weather channel it is 77 degrees Farenheit. For some of you, I’m sure …

Well, that’s interesting.

Tuesday, October 12th, 2004

Can you tell me what’s wrong with this paragraph?

Booby Wooderson’s surname supposedly inspired the character of David Wooderson, Matthew McConaughey’s star-making role as a pothead who hung around long after graduation and had a hankering for high school chicks ("That’s what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age"). The real Wooderson now works in the technology field.

If you need a little help, it came from this article. They’re called copy editors, people. Use them.

Sit down and shut up!

Monday, October 11th, 2004

In case you missed today’s Oprah big baby shower:

Bunches of knocked up bitches, jumping up and down. “Holy shit! A diaper genie! Holy shit! A carrier! Holy shit! A onesie!”

I’m glad she’s helping you out and stuff, but good grief, it IS JUST STUFF. Just stuff. You probably won’t use half of it and the rest of it your child will crap on within the first month.

Sit down bitches. I know you’re not that excited about the Tennessee Titans Cheerleaders. How do I know? Because, when you are pregnant, the last thing you wanna do is see some perky little biznitch with perky tits and a waist jumping up and down.

PS– I’m sure that the last thing a woman in …

Going, going…

Monday, October 11th, 2004

Please change your links to .

Thank you.

Today’s funny tv moment

Monday, October 11th, 2004

“They’re a pretty patriotc country, for being Canada.”

Sad, but true.

Monday, October 11th, 2004

You know, you learn many breaking news items when you stay up all night.

Now for the real question. Should I wake up the hubs and tell him? I mean, you know, this seems like something someone should be woken up for. Especially at 1:30am.

Insomnia is a bitch.

Monday, October 11th, 2004

Since it is half past midnight and even though I’m trying, I don’t see sleep in my near future, I’ll share with you an observation I’ve recently made.

It seems as if some of you readers may be embarrassed about reading my site.

I’ve seen many, many search engine queries such as “Sarcastic Journalist” or even my domain name. I KNOW what you’re doing as I do that when I go to someone’s house and I want to check my site without them reading it. And since I don’t want to go into the History on their Internet Explorer and find sites about doing bad things with donkeys and pigmies, well, I just google my domain name.

Now, why in the Hell would …

They’re getting gangsta on my ass.

Sunday, October 10th, 2004

I’m watching Puff Diddily Poopy ’s “Vote or Die” on MTV.

It turns out that they are aiming this at the “Hip Hop Generation,” which I’m learning is 40 million strong. Yeah, well so are the Flinstone Kids.

Let me tell you how Hip Hop you are if you are watching MTV on a Sunday night at 9:30 pm. So Hip Hop! Bling bling, yall.

I decided to watch this horrible program because the Food Network was making me hungry. Some of the people they cite say the stupidest things. I’d go into how stupid I find what most of the Bling Bling People are saying but well, there’s just not enough time in the day.

Bling bling! P Diddly Fucking Woo!

I get what …

Ellie, Month Three.

Sunday, October 10th, 2004

Dear Ellie,

Tomorrow you will be three months old! We’ve made it through that whole “newborn” thing. As much fun as we’re having with you becoming more interactive, I still feel a little sad that I’m losing my brand spanking new baby.

Let me tell you, you are becoming so beautiful, pictures do not do it justice.

During this past month, you have discovered that you have legs and you spend a lot of time with your legs up in the air, swinging around for all to see. It’s really cute, like, “Hey! I have legs! Lookey here!”

I never realized it was possible to love something so little so much. I find myself missing you when we put you down for the night …

Riding the crazy train.

Sunday, October 10th, 2004

I honestly believe that you can’t learn all there is to know about the opposite sex until you have married a member of it.

Yesterday, my husband announced that the break pads on his car needed to be replaced. Then he explained that he planned on doing it himself.

WHAT?

Personally, it doesn’t seem of the brightest idea for him to go and replace the things that enable the car to stop. As much as I love saving the nonexistent money that we have, I enjoy having a husband even more.

So this morning he awoke bright and early and headed out to the parking lot to mess with his car and my truck. Eventually he came back in and told …

Milky skin!

Sunday, October 10th, 2004

You know, I could pretend that I had a nice milk bath from a fancy day spa this morning. But I have a feeling milk baths don’t occur at 7am and in my bed. I also have a feeling they don’t happen when a baby vomits on your boobie (No, it wasn’t spitup).

But, my boobie, my bed and Ellie all got covered with an oddly refreshing warm boob milk bath today. Perhaps it shall be good for my skin?

So dreaded they’re funny….

Friday, October 8th, 2004

Okay, I understand that, uh, some “mommies” really, really, really need outside conversation. I don’t as much as I can be a loner, but I understand. Really.

But the message board. Oh, I mean the “playgroup.” The “Online playgroup.” (Commence laughing now.)

These women must REALLY need to have outside conversation because they ask the STUPIDEST of questions.

“What is babies favorite music?”
Uh, well, she seems to enjoy when my phone rings the song to Kelis’ “Milkshake.” We also play Rufus Wainright music, and she really enjoys the song about cigarettes and chocolate milk.

“What does your baby wear to sleep?”
Well, she just outgrew her size 1 thong so right now she’s wearing crotchless panties and a bustier.

“He put his hands …

Random Nothingness

Thursday, October 7th, 2004

Todays’ post will come in random order:

1. Ellie doesn’t have meningitis spots. She has leg cooties, so says the doctor.
2. I hate seafood but I eat tuna fish.
3. My chunk child weighs 14 pounds, 5 ounces. She will pound you.
4. Our car got broken into last night.
5. I’m going to a shrink today. I’m crazy.
6. Where do they get all these little kids who dance hoochy like on TV?
7. I don’t like nuts but I’ll eat the ones on airplanes.
8.I like bananas but not in food.
9. My boobies hurt.

What men want.

Wednesday, October 6th, 2004

When a guy on The Real World Says: “Well, uh, the timing sucks and uh I’m just here and the timing sucks” when referring to breaking up with his girlfriend, he really means

“Uh, there’s this roommate who I wanna bang and well, uh, I don’t feel like being labeled a cheater.”

I spot you

Wednesday, October 6th, 2004

Something odd happens when you become a “Breeder.” You begin to worry. And fret. And groom your child. And worry about grooming or not grooming your child.

First off, let me say that Elliebear is sporting what I have a feeling is about to become one righteous mullet. I do not have any pictures of said mullet right now, but let me tell you, it is there. And it is FUNNY. She still has all the hair on the top of her head but it has become a lighter brown. Like coffee with a lot of cream in it.

The hair in the middle/back/sides is starting to fall out, leaving a lot of scalp showing underneath. Blonde hair is growing in right …

Shit shit shit

Tuesday, October 5th, 2004

So Dale Earnhardt Jr is in trouble for saying “shit” on live television.

SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. Hey Nascar, how you like them apples?

Let me just say this:

I hate NASCAR. The only reason I know about it is because my stepfather is WAAAYYY too into it. So I know by association.

But the dude was excited. Said “shit.” It’s not like he was mad and said “stupid mother fucking bitches!” Now then, hmmm, I might worry.

But he said shit and has been fined and lost points in the standing for doing so. NASCAR said something about cleaning up the image and not offending NASCAR viewers.

I know, I know. SHIT is a four-letter word. So is FUCK …

Bad luck

Tuesday, October 5th, 2004

Some people just have bad luck. I tend to be one of those people. THIS PERSON seems to have that kind of luck as well.

I’ve always been kind of a private person (in real life) about personal matters. Embarrassed about uh, “doing it” and stuff. So, the first time The Hubs and I go to Wal-Mart to buy condoms for our Honeymoon together (we didn’t “do it” until marriage.) something bad happened.

I was embarrassed enough. I mean, there I was, buying condoms. People knew we were going to do it.

I had this sense of dread as we put the items on the conveyer belt and pay our money. After trying to act all cool like “These aren’t condoms! …

Full of maple goodness!

Tuesday, October 5th, 2004

You know how usually, if you sniff under your armpit and if you don’t have on deodorant, you might smell B.O. (body odor.) And that body odor most likely may faintly remind you of the smell of a stinky person in the Wal-Mart parking lot?

I mean, I know YOU aren’t that stinky, but you may get a whiff and think “Woah, somebody is ripe.” Well, when you sniff my armpits now, they smell like maple.

I think I’ll rub a pancake under them tonight.

Public Service Announcement

Tuesday, October 5th, 2004

Single women. Stop what you are doing and READ THIS.

Sweet Poot Pee

Tuesday, October 5th, 2004

Today I noticed that Ellie smelled odd when I changed her diaper. Figuring it was either the diaper/pee or her butt, I took a sniff of the wet diaper. Nothing. So I lift her legs and smell her bare butt.

At that moment, my child decided to fart. I felt the little poo air hit me in the face. It was a very sweet moment.

Swollen egos

Monday, October 4th, 2004

I have an announcement to make, Internet. I am officially one size bigger than I was pre-pregnancy. One size! That’s it!

We went out this weekend and I bought some clothes! Why? Because those blue shorts I wear all the time (and have on right now) have to go.

We went to Anthropologie, which happens to be my FAVORITE store, probably because I can’t afford ANYTHING in there. The Sister held The Baby and I browsed through the sale rack because that’s all I can afford!

And know what I found in there? Know? I found the reason I initially walked into Anthropologie back in July. I found the sailboat skirt.

THE SAILBOAT SKIRT, PEOPLE! I may not have enough money to go on …

My waffle baby…

Monday, October 4th, 2004

In case you haven’t noticed, I’m tweaking my blog. But, the show must go on, eh?

I remember hearing, before the baby rode down that log ride known as my vagina, that if you plan on breastfeeding, you will leak.

Not just leak, but leak when your, or any other, baby cries. Heck, you’ll probably leak when you hear crying on that Extreme Home Makeover show when they see their fancy new shower.

So I expected for my boobies to leak once this child was born. But they didn’t!

At first, I thought that I had the best boobies ever. Heck, they may fall into the Extremely Large Category, but they don’t leak! No leak!

And as I go about this whole boob feeding thing, …

Move along, people. Move along.

Sunday, October 3rd, 2004

Since I’m trying to move everything around, you need to go to Shenuts.Com to read my posts. Please go. Now. There’s nothing to see here.

**I’m hoping to have everything over there cleaned and fixed soon!

You can go with this or you can go with that…

Friday, October 1st, 2004

As you can see, this page is butt ugly. I’m kind of a blog snob because my old blog is/was very nice and pretty and I liked looking at it.

I hate looking at this page. And I’m not used to word press yet and as we all know, I DON’T DO WELL WITH CHANGE! Even technological change, because I’m as un techno as you can get.

So, what would YOU do? Import MT and my old stuff that looks purdy or try this word press that people seem to love????

She’s baaaaaack!

Friday, October 1st, 2004

Yeah, bitches!!! I’M HERE! Update all the linkies so I can continue to get my love and hate mail. :)

I haven’t exactly figured out how to do everything on here yet, so it may be awhile. Also, the name STILL IS The Sarcastic Journalist. The domain is Shenuts.com.

Thanks for stopping by!!!


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