Archive for August, 2004

The strong eye of the law…

Tuesday, August 31st, 2004

If you’d like to carve out a loved one’s eyes and then serve on Jury Duty, well COME TO TEXAS!!!

I have a feeling his fellow jury people probably thought twice before disagreeing with him.

Good deal, if you can understand what they’re saying

Tuesday, August 31st, 2004

If I lived in New Jersey, which I can’t say I’d like to, and I spent lots of money on new cars….well….I’d go buy me a Nissan and get one for free.

Just so you know…

Monday, August 30th, 2004

In case you haven’t wasted enough time here already, or if you find my sometimes painfully short posts to be detrimental to your health, there is now another option for you.

Nouvel, my “other” blog for longer works of writing is now up. Thanks to Linda at Auterrific for nominating me.

This blog will contain many things: Stories from the past, long writings about things in my life…basically anything I want to try to expand on.

I still haven’t decided what to do about SJ when this blog will go to Bloggy Heaven on October 1st. I’m still working on a domain name (It seems as if Shenuts.com is pretty popular) and all the stuff like that.

I’ve decided to keep the name …

And the Bushie goes to….

Monday, August 30th, 2004

Woo hoo! My rich ol’ daddy is running for President! Put me on the VMAs!

Why, why why why why why were the Kerry and Bush daughters on the VMAs? They are not in videos. They are not in music. And last time I checked, they are not awards, either.

“Look, Florida! We LOVE you, like totally! We love you so much that we take all the time out of our rich little lives to come and talk to you! Or to speak to you via prerecorded video tape! So, like, totally vote for our Daddy!”

I’m glad they all got booed. I don’t care who the booing was for, just that they were both booed. Yes, booing is immature, but who …

We do not choose them as they choose us

Monday, August 30th, 2004

I would sit there, as a teenager, pen in hand and draw pictures of my high school friends, depicting them as I imagined they would be as adults. Acting as Cinderella at Walt Disney World. Professional runner. Incrediably rich doctor’s wife.

However, six years after we graduated from high school and went our respective ways, I found myself crowded around a table at a newly opened chain bakery slash restaurant with a few of these same people, some of whom I’ve kept in better contact with than others.

My predictions did not come true. In fact, if anything else, my predictions were as off as they could possibly be. Now we have a second grade teacher with breast implants, a …

I know what I want for Christmas…

Friday, August 27th, 2004

Would someone please explain to me exactly how this toy got made???

Seriously, a toy depecting the September 11 attacks on the US??? What in the hell? Huh?

Whose grand idea was it to make these? I mean, hello, someone had to come up with this idea and then probably have some type of meeting where other people decided that yes, “A toy depecting Sept. 11 attacks would be a good idea.”

And then people put out money and made them and people packaged them and then they sent them out.

Why stop there? Why not have “concentration camp Barbie” with a bony ass doll whose hair has been shaved off due to lice and her body is being ravaged by typhoid.

How about Israeli …

I can’t stop posting pictures

Thursday, August 26th, 2004

I like big butts and I cannot lie…

Sleepppppppp……Glorious sleep!

The smiles!!! Let me tell you about the smiles!

We so love each other. Seriously. We’re TOTALLY best friends.

I TOLD you my boobs were big. This is what happens when big ones get even bigger!

Just ignore me….

Thursday, August 26th, 2004

I want to be on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Just so you know.

Rose colored glasses make it difficult to drive at night.

Thursday, August 26th, 2004

My husband says I look through Rose Colored Glasses. Actually, he said it in relation to why I think it would be cool to live in NYC. Otherwise, I definately don’t have rose colored glasses.

Except when it comes to going out.

We went to the Houston Zoo this weekend, a place our friend Chris described as “Leaving him more depressed when he left” due to the conditions the animals lived in.

It seems as if anywhere the Hubs and I go and we see a zoo we end up going. And every time we get there, we realize how sucky the zoo is. Doesn’t matter WHAT zoo– we’ve been to the one in DC, the Tulsa Zoo…the houston zoo…we just don’t like …

I’m leaving on a jet plane…

Wednesday, August 25th, 2004

I read on IMDB.com that Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt are adopting a baby. Don’t feel like posting the link because, well, I only have a few minutes here. Bleh. Anyway, so the article says they plan on “raising the child in Europe because it is a great place to raise a child” blah blah.

Now, first off, I think Europe is nice. I’ve only been to London and it was for a very short period of time, but I enjoyed it. I’d like to go back to Europe….there are many countries there I’d like to visit.

BUT– it just chaps my hide that it seems like all these American celebrities are like “I want to raise my baby in Europe!” As …

SSSSHHH! She’s sleeping! In her crib! Alone!

Wednesday, August 25th, 2004

To continue on about my “interesting” parenting tatics…

I often find myself walking around the house with one boob hanging out. I mean, it keeps it in easy reach so she’s not giving me that Look while I fumble with the nursing bra. Guys, you have troubles unhooking the bra while getting it on? Imagine trying to undo a clasp while a furiously hungry baby bats at your tata with clenched fists.

I often sing this song to my baby. I find it quite funny. Why? Because I’ve never even smoked a cigarette, better yet do drugs. I consider it teaching her what she shouldn’t do.

Her bedroom? Our new laundry room. We have about 1 month’s worth of laundry sitting …

Sweaty Sweaticus Writes A Book or Bakes a Cake

Tuesday, August 24th, 2004

Must be the humidity. Seems as if all the little ankle biters at the grocery store were acting up today.

Not MY ankle biter as she doesn’t have the coordination to do that yet (just wait, SJ, just wait.) but all the others. I’d say it was the full moon, but you probably haven’t experienced the Texas humidity.

I think that anyone who lives in a part of Texas that gets this type of humidity should get a grant from the government. I mean, hello, we CHOOSE to live here– and I think that is crazy! Why are we living here?!?!?!

Have we BEEN outside recently? If I feel a wetness in my bra, I need to remember that it is not …

Freedom! Glorious Freedom!

Tuesday, August 24th, 2004

Six weeks, three hours and five minutes. That�s exactly how long it took for me to break down and become a bad Mom.

I was at a �mothers of new babies� club at the local library yesterday�don�t laugh, yes, I went and no, I didn�t act out in any way, shape or form�and a woman spoke about how she broke a cardinal rule and let her child eat in the car.

Well, I broke my first rule this morning.

After sleeping from 9:30pm to 7am, Ellie woke up this morning and I was able to get her to go back to sleep after some boob time. Well, at 10:30 she woke up and Was. Determined. Not. To. Go. Back. To. Sleep. Ever.

Thing …

You say it best when you say nothing at all.

Monday, August 23rd, 2004

What you�re about to get is the most real version of me you will probably see on the internet. Hence the reason there will be no commenting.

I finally let it all go last night and cried to my husband. As I sat on the couch at 11pm, I cried about all the reasons I�ve found myself so sad recently. You may or may have not noticed how I�m feeling but that is probably because I don�t want to be classified as postpartum or be slandered out in lala webland.

I�ve had a hard time coming to grips with my new place in life. An �all day Mommy� as Mimi Smartypants calls it�.someone whose job it is to stay at home …

Tears of the clowns

Thursday, August 19th, 2004

I love the weather.

So I decide to go to the store because, well, I have nothing better to do. I get Ellie up, get ready and get out the door. Take about 5 steps and the lightning and thunder we’ve had all day is louder. Much louder.

I don’t feel like getting struck by lightning while holding a baby. That would be bad.

So we come back in and sit on the couch so I can feed her and wait for the Satellite to work again because we all know they don’t work in bad weather or when the wind is more than 1mph or the Earth’s atmosphere is not exactly perfect.

Then more lightning and thunder. Really, really loud. House shaking. And …

Sick and wrong

Thursday, August 19th, 2004

May you tell me why in the hell this guy got full pension after getting fired FOR MASTURBATING ON THE JOB? Dude, he was a freaking judge.

Pictures, we’ve got pictures!

Wednesday, August 18th, 2004

Thanks to Auty, all yall have to see pictures of my glorious offspring.

I start my day off by chasing my child around with the Eeyore doll.

Then I teach her how to do the “sexy” pose. (Note: she did this on her own. She’s so smart. And so sexy.)

Then we practice our “happy” face.

Then we all go on a walk together on the country club golf course. We’re teaching her to totally disregard the rules at an early age.

After that, we fall asleep. (Note to freaker outers: We do not sleep together in the bed like this. I fell asleep while feeding her. Please put down your phone. You need not call CPS.)

Things they just don’t teach in school anymore….

Wednesday, August 18th, 2004

They are called rhetorical questions people. Seriously.

Email I received today:

i’ll apologize now if this gets too graphic, but a person who throws out the term “she nuts” has no right to get offended at anything.

anyway, the women i’ve been with who were open to giving oral had no problem with it.

personally i prefer getting a ball licking instead of a ball sucking. i have a difficult time thinking a guy wouldn’t enjoy it.

and if the situation is right it feels really nice to have it done as you orgasm. like if she’s giving oral and doesn’t want to finish you off in her mouth. the guy takes over and she adds that stimulation.

also it’s an easy way …

We can vote, what else do these broads want?

Wednesday, August 18th, 2004

Barbie for President! Barbie for President!

Yes, in case you haven’t heard, the good people at Mattel now are having Barbie “My boobs are huge and my hair seriously needs a cut” Doll run for president.

Shall we discuss her platorm?

She has pledged a campaign that will concentrate on creating world peace, helping the homeless and poor, and taking care of animals. Her platform was chosen by girls across America through the Barbie.com Web.

Children are so stupid. Let’s all have world peace! Help the poor! Take care of animals! No offense, but we’re too busy ignoring the situation in Sudan to go and take care of the puppies and kitties at the SPCA. We’ve got Bob Barker for that. We’re too busy …

Feeding both bodies and souls

Wednesday, August 18th, 2004

“You should be happy,” said my sister as I boxed up the remnants of my fajitas. “She’s a good baby. Madison was never like that.”

As a whole, today was a good day when it comes to road trips with a baby. After visiting my grandmother and having lunch with my sister and stepmother, having Ellie’s first visit to a funeral home and a visit to my cousin, we made the trip back to Houston.

After a brief rainstorm, we made our way through the East Texas countryside, hightailing it back to Houston so we’d be back home before The Hubs did so.

Somewhere in the little town of Liberty did it start. The crying. It started out as it always did, with …

On the road again…

Tuesday, August 17th, 2004

…Interrupting my cookie baking, underwear sitting, gymnastics watching night…

Going to visit the familia in East Texas tomorrow. Four stops seeing four family members. Alone. With a baby. Who pees. A lot.

I am very, very scared.

Hopefully she won’t pee on THEIR couches as she did to mine today. Let the good times begin.

They scream when you boil them, you know.

Monday, August 16th, 2004

After partially reading this article I find myself thinking a few different things, as I am prone to do.

Number one, I just love Dairy Queen. It is such a Texas thing to drive by the happy red sign and order a Blizzard. Don’t order a Breeze, whatever you do because they suck balls. Big fat hairy balls.

Side note: Do you know anyone who actually sucks balls? I mean, is this a common occurence?

Second, perhaps the good people at DQ have forgotten what Texas is like but the majority of the ones I have been to have not been in the middle of a cowfield. I mean, yeah, some are, but there are plenty in the city of Houston where you …

spam away

Monday, August 16th, 2004

okie i need help with MT blacklist. any help? please? I’ve been hit by the spambots.

Close but no cigar…..

Friday, August 13th, 2004

Numero uno: Googling myself is still really scary. You just never know what you’re going to find.

So, being that I’m kinda bored, I decided to FINALLY go through all the sites. Know what I find? This.

A site that says “Big tit in bra.”

No, honey. That’s two really big tits in bra. Get it right.

Coming home and branching out

Friday, August 13th, 2004

As many of you may know, we recently moved from North Carolina back to Texas. I have grown up in Texas and up until the time we moved East, I had lived here for the majority of my life except for a few months (when I was 18/19) when I lived in Denver, Colorado.

Yes, I left Denver for Houston. Homesickness is a bitch.

Anyway, after we graduated from college and got married, the Hubs and I moved to Durham, which is outside of Raleigh. The area is pretty nice (pretty trees, great restaurants, wonderful hiking places) if you can overlook the gangs and Bitchy Ass Newspapers.

I wanted to move away from Texas because I felt the …

Month One Review

Thursday, August 12th, 2004

Dear Ellie,

Today you are one month old! That is a longer lifespan than many bugs and new Fox sitcoms! One month ago today, I was lying in a hospital bed, chowing down on hospital food while sporting a bad case of Shenuts. You, my little girl, were just figuring out what it means to live in this crazy world.

It has been one crazy month for us. I’ve had more poop on my hands and feet and legs and pants and I’m pretty sure not all of it was from you. I’ve had to deal with more erratic sleeping patterns and have learned that all the nighttime news programs are pretty informal, that’s why they are on when nobody watches them, …

There’s the black version and the Brownie version….

Wednesday, August 11th, 2004

I don’t care what the “PC Police” say (You know who you are….these people who talk shit just because I have a freaking opinion) but if your religion and country require women to have a separate park so they can exercise outside in somewhat decent clothes well, that’s just screwy.

It is not the different beliefs that I am bashing, it is the treatment of women. Why in the hell do the women have to cover up in outfits in the horribly warm weather? Why do they have to cover from the men? Why aren’t the men held accountable to their God for their actions??

Perhaps they are too busy planning for their one zillion virgins in the afterlife?

Naked news

Wednesday, August 11th, 2004

As a former journalist, I can say it is safe to say that there probably shouldn’t be naked news. There were waaayyy too many obese people in our newsroom. But again, that’s why they were in newspapers and not TV. They definately had a face for newspapers.

These girls do, too. Bodies? Okay, but not the best. But the faces? Ehhh…..

You can tell everybody that this is your song…

Wednesday, August 11th, 2004

I hope you don’t mind, I hope you don’t mind…that I put down into words. How wonderful life is now you’re in the world.

you’ve already won me over in spite of me
don’t be alarmed if i fall head over feet
don’t be surprised if i love you for all that you are
i couldn’t help it
it’s all your fault

you are the bearer of unconditional things
you held your breath and the door for me
thanks for your patience

you’re the best listener that i’ve ever met
you’re my best friend
best friend with benefits
what took me so long

i’ve never felt this healthy before
i’ve never wanted something rational
i am aware now
i am aware now

From the peanut gallery…

Wednesday, August 11th, 2004

So in honor of the fact that I’ve been a Mom for a month now (tomorrow) and that it seems as if 1st time Mom Stacey has just gone into labor, I’m going to give my own child-rearing tips.

So, without further ado…

Tips for the 1st time parent from someone whose only qualification is she has done it for a month now:

1. Before you put the baby down “for the night” make sure she is well fed and changed. And when I say well fed, I mean just one ounce short of puking. It’ll get you some extra sleep.

2. Speaking of sleep, forget it the first week. Just forget it.

3. If you feed from the boobie, I highly suggest using …

Here is a picker upper

Tuesday, August 10th, 2004

Today on MSN the “catchy title” tells me how to have a funeral for $800. As the daughter of a man who owned a funeral home and now works for a large funeral home company, I’ll tell you how to get one of those.

Bury your loved one in a cardboard box in the backyard and use the $800 for liquor. You’ll need the alcohol when the neighbor’s dog comes over and starts digging up Uncle Ned.

Don’t go towards the light, Carol Anne!

Tuesday, August 10th, 2004

Okay as I’ve said before, I like to watch the TV show “Sit and Be Fit” on PBS. Its basically exercise for old people…hence the name.

At the end, they have a relaxation part, which is the reason I like to watch, and today the lady said “You see a very bright light. Let the light come to you and surround you…”

Is it me, or should you not be telling large groups of the elderly to “Go towards the light?”

Brusha Brusha Brusha

Monday, August 9th, 2004

Okay. Is it just me or could the terrorists forget the whole big terror plot thingie and just show us their nasty teeth? I mean, that’s punishment enough.

The big O

Monday, August 9th, 2004

It is official. (Why? Because I say so.) Oprah is a cult.

“Golly gee, SJ,” you’re thinking. “Of course Oprah is a cult!!” But I mean, she is so a cult that it makes the Jehovas Witnesses and certain otherreligions look a lot less cultish.

Okay so last night on E’s! The Soup, they said something about Oprah opening some type of “wellness” retreat in Maui, where there is spiritual stuff and weight stuff and reading stuff going on there.

Why in the sam hell would I want to waste my vacation by going to Oprah’s wellness retreat where I can watch OTHER bored housewives wondering if Ms. O will be showing up that day?

Give me Disney and a margarita anyday.

Have you ever …

I’m really scared

Monday, August 9th, 2004

You know what??? I love it when “cool ass” 12-year-olds come on here and threaten to kick my ass for my opinion of THE OLSEN TWINS.

For the spambots:
Painless_dreams@hotmail.com

“i love you MARY KATE AND ASH!
i REALLY DO! sO tHESE FUCKERS WILL DIE :)

“You know what.. You people are sick! it wasn’t their choices to be twins SO U
SHOULD REFER TO THEM AS MARY KATE AND ASHLEY!.. and personally I’d kick ur ass if i was them HEY I’LL DO IT FOR FREE! Stupid fuckers!

I LOVE YOU MK & ASH!”

I’m sick? You’re the one professing your love to these cokeheads. or the coke head and the blonde one. And then you come on here and use bad spelling and …

By the numbers

Monday, August 9th, 2004

My weekend by the numbers:

Number of Mexican dinners: 2
Number of margaritas: 2
Number of cups of coffee: 3
Pieces of chocolate cake: 1
Pieces of coconut pie: 1
Times we ran out of diapers in public: 1

Temperature I woke up with Monday morning: 102

PS What’s up with all the ads that keep popping up in my comments???? Make it stop!!

Titillating Fun!

Friday, August 6th, 2004

She shouldn’t look so glum. (Wonders if she gets to take home the “leftovers.")

School daze

Friday, August 6th, 2004

I always thought living in NYC for a short period of time might be fun. Well, the deal has been sealed. I’m going to have to move because The Artist Formerally Known as Madonna aka Esther the Musician, is opening a Kaballah school for kids there.

Ellie is going to be so excited!

A real pain in the ass…much like Ashlee Simpson

Friday, August 6th, 2004

You haven’t really lived until you’ve been shot in the ass.

(BTW, I think the title of that story should say “Idiot shoots self in ass.” Whatever.)

Yes, if you must know, I have been shot in the ass. I have lived!

I was in high school and it was spring break and still surprisingly cool for Texas. I was finishing up a 3.1 mile run and was crossing through a small woodsy patch between the sidewalk and the soccer field when I felt a snap.

I leaned down and touched the spot, right UNDER my asscheek and rubbed it, figuring that I had been snapped in the leg by a tree limb.

I took about two steps, realized the spot really hurt …

Fugliness

Friday, August 6th, 2004

I watched Extreme Makeover last night. Okay, I’ll admit it. I like these shows and I really like to watch them now that I have Satellite TV again. Since we don’t have discovery health channel, I can’t watch shows on hermaphodites so plastic surgery shows have to do.

There’s one thing I always notice about Extreme Makeover. They have no problems saying how ugly the person is on the “before” part. I mean, yes, in the comfort and privacy of my own living room, I’ll sit there and say “Man, that chick is ugly!” or “Glad I don’t have that nose!” because I’m a big old meanie.

But I usually don’t talk about other people’s appearances like that…okay I try not to, …

there she goes again

Thursday, August 5th, 2004

I’m going to be honest here. Last night, as I finally climbed into bed around 11ish, I started crying.

I mean, that’s pretty good for me considering that before the baby came, I cried about every 2.5 seconds. I know that I had good reason to cry– I was pregnant for one thing, which means that all the bad hormones in the world had come and taken over my body and forced me to think sad thoughts at all times.

I also had been fired and knew that I would have to sell my house and having to deal with all those issues plus moving plus insurance plus everything else that comes along in life.

So when I had the baby and the …

Hot nights are a coming…

Thursday, August 5th, 2004

Lonley? How bout a boyfriend pillow??? Yup. It’s a guy shaped torso pillow that includes a “vibrating arm” to “wake the lady up.”

Um, is it me or would the women prefer something else on the pillow that vibrates??

You are not alone….

Thursday, August 5th, 2004

Thanks Chicago O’Hare Airport for causing us to miss our flight from Chicago to Houston at Christmas and allowing us to have a “Home Alone Moment.”

All pregnant women really love running from one end of an airport to the other while carrying bags, which includes a LAPTOP, only to miss the plane EVEN THOUGH THEY GOT THERE AT THE TIME IT WAS SUPPOSED TO LEAVE.

Thanks so much. I really enjoyed finally getting to Houston after midnight that night instead of 6pm.

More fun! More pictures!

Wednesday, August 4th, 2004

My world in a nutshell.

This is the fun Mommy gets to have:

Midnight barfy fun!

Scared shitless fun!

This is the fun Daddy gets to have:

Sleeping in the bed fun!

Sleeping on the couch fun!

He doesn’t get to have all the fun. I get:

Lovin’ the baby fun!

I’d show all the fun poopy diapers he changes..but well, that’s just vulgar.

corny

Wednesday, August 4th, 2004

So kerry goes to Iowa and waves around ears of corn. How corny. If he came to TX would he lasso a steer??? Castrate a bull? What about San fran? skip around with gay people? NYC?? piss on the sidewalk like a homeless person??

The Manic Pooping Furby

Wednesday, August 4th, 2004

I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to change the name of this site. Of course, I’m not being serious, but for shits and giggles, lets pretend I am.

So, sorry Java Diva, I’m now becoming Mommy Needs Prozac. She also needs a nice strong margarita.

Today, The Sarcastic Journalist goes to a chiropractor. Hilarity ensues.

Yes, I brought the Furby to the chiro with me, figuring that since she is the cause of all the horrible back pain I have been putting up with, that she should be there when someone tries to adjust it so I can sleep without shooting back pain.

She normally sleeps when we go out, from the second we leave until the minute I get home. I mean, …

Beware of the Rubber Band man!

Tuesday, August 3rd, 2004

I’m still bathing. Yes, you read that right. I always heard how “new moms” “never could find the time to bathe” and I thought that was plain out wrong. I mean, not bathing, to me, is on the same level as genocide and nuclear war.

A girl has gotta bathe.

So when my little Bear came along, I insisted that I would bathe. And I have, every single damn day. Sometimes I bathe with a little Furby sitting screaming in her car seat on the floor while I feverishly try to wash my pits and crotch because a clean mama is a Godly mama and a Godly mama doesn’t leave her kid asleep on her belly on the couch so she …


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