Archive for July, 2004

Gotta question

Friday, July 30th, 2004

I know, I know, this is a weird question, but I’m needing help for a story I’m THINKING about writing. I came up with this idea in my head last night and it is a good one. However, I don’t have the car seat base with me so I can’t go to the library.

So….could you please tell me some of the names of the main characters in chick lit books???

Yes yes, SJ is thinking about starting yet another book. That is, if I can get my stupid laptop fixed.

Thank you. You can go back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Me fail English? Unpossible!

Friday, July 30th, 2004

Okay, I’ve heard rumors that I doesn’t talk good grammar (yes, I spelled it correctly) on here, but that’s because I can do whatever the Hell I feel like doing.

This is my blog. If I want to write in ebonics, well, damnit, I will.

But when I see grammatical blunders on ads and signs…man, that just chaps my hide. Here’s an example.

I’m cringing just looking at it.

What has become of my life?

Friday, July 30th, 2004

“Please don’t wake up Ellie, because Mamma needs to take a dump.”

I wanna be…

Friday, July 30th, 2004

I have a confession to make.

Every time the Olympics come around, I wish I were an Olympic athlete. Yes. Yes, your friend, The Sarcastic Journalist, watches the swimming events and wishes to become one of the large shouldered, nicely tanned, chlorinated haired swimmers. Never mind I couldn’t do an underwater turn for the life of me. Never mind I get nervous and don’t really like competitions.

I want to be an Olympic athlete!

In college I signed up for synchronized swimming. I had to do it pass/fail because I was that bad. I’m talking sinking in the water, can’t keep up with everyone else, didn’t let my husband (then my new boyfriend) come to watch because I was so horrible. I …

Inquiring minds need to know….

Thursday, July 29th, 2004

I have a theory about McDonalds commericials. Okie dokie. Back in NC, the city I lived in was largly a certain ethnicity which is not white. Actually, the opposite of white.

Anyway, all the commericials there for Mickey Ds were very “ethnic,” like, “Yo homey, grab your hos and come to McDonalds for some chicken McNuggets or I’ll pop a cap in your ass.”

Here in happy little white suburbia, the commericials appeal to the Abercrappy and Bitch crowd. The commericials have these white hos in the back of a jeep and they take off their shirts and then go through the drive through because they are in string bikinis.

Totally opposite from the previous ones I have seen….

What commericial for McDonalds do …

Seacrest out!

Wednesday, July 28th, 2004

Is it a surprise that on air with ryan seacrest is being cancelled???

I mean, I think the purpose was to have cool people on the show. However, when you have people who were cool in the seventies on there as the guest….you just knew something was wrong.

I can’t even remember the last time I saw someone “hip” on that show. Who was the last guest? Someone from Law and Order??

Da boob, da boob, da boob, da boob….

Wednesday, July 28th, 2004

Good Lawd, I need to stop writing about Dooce. This girl is like the Utah version of me and I’m not lying or being “Hey I’m cool because I wanna be like Dooce.” I mean, gee, we both got fired and we both have babies and even though her’s looks like a “frog” and ours is more monkey…we have much in common.

Such as cabbage in the bra.

When I first “had my milk come in,” a phrase I absolutely hate with all of my hating skills, my boobies became rock hard. I mean, to begin with, before this whole sperm joining egg fun, I was 5′5, 133 pounds and 34DD boobies.

Those are big boobies.

I had to go and buy …

enjoy this due to my poor posting…

Tuesday, July 27th, 2004

FYI– I have reintroduced all my archives and stuff, though they currently only go back to April, when I got fired.

I have to republish everything else to have all my old stuff show up….

I give that one a 2

Tuesday, July 27th, 2004

Does it make me a bad mamma if I watch “A Baby Story” with my child and critique the births on there out loud?

What about reading to her from US Weekly about the lives of Justin and Cameron?

Baby love..

Monday, July 26th, 2004

I went back through Dooce’s archives to this post about boobage and breastfeeding and breast milk…which I lovingly refer to as boob juice. Dude, I totally understand.

I’ve spent the past two weeks with a little munchkin permanently attached to my boobie, gnawing at it, scratching at me, sleeping and mocking me when I try to set her down because I THINK she’s asleep.

You know what I’ve found myself thinking more than once? I’m happy. Truly happy. So what I don’t have a job and that some dildo coworker ratted me out? So what if I didn’t get my unemployment money? So what if I live in the “ghetto” apartments and I don’t get to live in the nice places with …

wa ha

Monday, July 26th, 2004

Picture of my former boss, who we’ll call Mr. Rosen. Dang, oh wait. That’s his real name.*

*Note: Yahoo didn’t have a picture of an ass, so the scary sunflower will have to do.

Announcements, announcements, announcements…

Saturday, July 24th, 2004

I’m famous.

Itchy itchicus

Saturday, July 24th, 2004

I can assure you, no matter how fun it sounds, that having a heat rash around Mr. Red Eye and in your butt crack isn’t that grand.

They’re extra absorbant, you know…

Friday, July 23rd, 2004

My doctor told me that I’m on “pelvic rest” for 6 weeks. That means no tampons, no sex. Ha, like I’d like to do the latter.

My friend Shannon comes over today and asks if I’m still bleeding. I say yes. She asks if I’m wearing pads or those diapers from the hospital. I say pads and tell her what the doc said about tampons.

“Yeah, like they have tampons that big. I’d have to shove a roll of toilet paper up there just to plug up the hole.”

New meaning to the term “lube”

Friday, July 23rd, 2004

How to know that maybe, just maybe, you’ve been married too long.

(Actual conversation last night, while lying in bed.)

Hubby: Um, I wouldn’t put that Vasoline on your lips anymore.
Me: Why? When I put the vasoline on her butt (Ellie has anal fissures and we have to put vasoline on her poo hole so it doesnt tear) I don’t double dip. I use a different finger every time. Why? Do you double dip?
Hubby: I love you.
Me: Do you double dip in my Vasoline?
Hubby: I love you.
Me: I put that on my lips! How long have you been doing this?
Hubby: Only today. Okay, well maybe yesterday.
Me: You double dip your poo fingers in my Vasoline?
Hubby: We’ll get you a new one.

Kome to Krazy Kutz

Thursday, July 22nd, 2004

My Mom has been dragging my ass out recently. We’re now “ladies who lunch,” which means we go out, eat lots and lots of chocolate and coffee and then stop for things like ice cream.

So I decided, after months of having my husband cut my hair in the bathtub, to get my hair cut. By a professional.

Do you people know how hard it is to find a reputable salon? When I lived over in NC, yes, you see that right that I am now acknowladgeing (which I can’t spell) the state….I used Citysearch, which rules. But they don’t have Citysearch for suburbs.

So I go to the phone book to look up a place. First rule: Never go to a place …

Its broke but nobody will fix it…

Tuesday, July 20th, 2004

I can’t even think anymore, I’m so damn tired. What am I doing? Who am I? Where am I? Why is everything broken???

The toilet broke this morning, as in it likes to overflow and turn our bathroom into a lake of toilet sewage and water that covers all the clothing we had lying around on the floor because our bathroom is also our laundry room and stuff. It turns out that I flushed it and then it overflowed after overflowing once today and I didn’t notice. When I walked BACK into the bathroom that is now a lake, I was so tired that I didn’t even notice or care about the fact that water covered our floor.

My baby is …

More pics

Friday, July 16th, 2004

Woo hoo! A bath! I love holding slimy babies!

I hope her belly button stays this way. It will ensure her career in swimsuit modeling.

My Baby Daddy.

My boobies make the baby drunk.

The daily ramble that isn’t about my cooter

Friday, July 16th, 2004

“The right job will come along.”

That’s what my Mom just told me. In a one-two punch, I found out I didn’t get the job that I really wanted and thought I had a good chance for and then my appeal for unemployment got denied.

But you know what? Fuck that. I felt I defended myself during the appeals process to the best of my ability and I didn’t go and get upset and cry or anything. And I even snickered a little when they were reading some of my older entries aloud. I guess I can go and put all my archives up again.

At least I’m not Martha Stewart, right?

I’d go into more about the whole appeals process for that …

I got that funny feeling, that you don’t love me anymore…

Thursday, July 15th, 2004

I’m sooo glad this whole feeding thing is working out well. Insert sarcasam here.

Nah, I don’t MIND the feedings and the breastfeeding isn’t half as horrid as I planned on it being, but seeing as I am sitting here with CABBAGE covering my big huge boobies and a breast pump that can’t pump anything out because obviously, my milk prefers to stay with me, I’m ready for things to start working.

Actually, the cabbage makes a nice bra because my already large boobs are now so big that they require their own zip code to get mail.

I better stop talking about said boobs or the baby is going to hear me and then she is going to come over …

The story of all stories

Tuesday, July 13th, 2004

Okie dokie. I’m alive and well and figured that some of yous womens (esp the pregnant ones) would want to hear the “real deal” about what went down with Miss E’s birth.

So we go to the hospital at 7pm on Sunday night and they give me this Cervadil, which you stick up the cooter to soften the cervix, with the plan for starting Pitocin at 6am the next morning. I was told by the nurse that she would be born in the afternoon on Monday.

So start that med stuff around 8 or 9. No big deal. A few of those contractions that don’t hurt but show up on the monitor. Then I get a few cramps. No biggie.

All of …

More Lovin

Monday, July 12th, 2004

SJ is cuddling Ellie right now, but asked me to put up some more pictures. Below they be.


Monday, July 12th, 2004

Ellie Caralyn
Born 9:55 a.m. weighing 8 pounds, 14 ounces and 21 inches long.

I’m totally exhausted but glad she’s here and BOY is she big. Will write more later. Thanks for all the nice thoughts….

Waiting and Hoping

Monday, July 12th, 2004

Ok, stabilized, now they’re just waiting for me to push.

Bad Baby

Monday, July 12th, 2004

Ellie’s heartbeat has been slow, so they gave me a medicine to stop the contractions and let her recover. If that doesn’t work, then I get a c-section.

blood, blood everywhere, and not a drop to drink

Monday, July 12th, 2004

8cm now. Her heartbeat is dropping, so they’re trying to fix it. It’s cold and I have the shakes… and a catheter. Plus, blood is coming out.

drugs are fun

Monday, July 12th, 2004

The horrible contractions came very quickly. I got an epidural around 3:30. I’m very very very very very very very happy. I’m dialated to 6cm… things are moving very fast.

water, water, everywhere

Monday, July 12th, 2004

“the water came at 12:30 with a flood and a pop. hey, they may not have to induce me after all.” - a demerol induced message brough to you by sj.

Late night update

Monday, July 12th, 2004

My computer is acting screwy right now, but here’s a pic from above. Again, I’m using Blogger because my OTHER site still has too much pertinent info on it. If someone wouldn’t mind hosting my pics, I’d be more than happy to do that too so these damn pictures will show up.

Again, I’m having contractions, but they’re the kind that don’t hurt. I’ve just popped some Ambion so I’ll probably be going to sleep soon…I hear the Pitocin starts at 6am and the nurse is betting there will be a baby by “early afternoon.”

Good God, I hope so. So if anyone wouldn’t mind hosting some pics….let me know. I shoulda planned for this awhile ago. Blah.


Sunday, July 11th, 2004

It only makes sense to hook someone up to 300000 machines, including a damn IV in her wrist that really really hurts (I’m scared of needles so we’re not gonna restick to maybe make it better) and then pump her full of IV fluid to make her piss like a racehorse.

Combine that with the whole cooter thingie…..I change my mind. I don’t want to do this anymore. It’s only going to get worse.


Sunday, July 11th, 2004

Again, I’m posting from Blogger so sometimes the pic doesn’t work. Just hit refresh and it will usually come up.

This is me in the hospital. Happy looking, aren’t I???

Start Blog Thru Birth Now

Sunday, July 11th, 2004

FYI– That nasal congestion you hear about in pregnancy? Well, it can also apply to cooters. As in swollen ass cooter. As in when they try to put in the Cervadil….well, I screamed in pain.

This is going to be fun….

Updates and such

Sunday, July 11th, 2004

“Shouldn’t we be buying porn or something?”

That would be what I said to the Hubs as we stood in a Blockbuster last night, trying to figure out what to do on our last full night of non-baby life. Instead, we got “Secret Window.”

We should have at least hit the liquor store and bought some crack for later.

I have to go to el hospital tonight to start the induction process. For some reason, they want me to spend the night, even though the pitocin fun won’t start till the morning.

I really don’t understand WHY.

Please, please let me have this baby before the Pitocin fun starts. Puhlease. So this morning, at 8am, I sent my Hubby to the grocery store for …

Well that’s news.

Friday, July 9th, 2004

Today, I feel sad.


Friday, July 9th, 2004

This article talks about the really crappy jobs that are available for the summer and as an occupation.

As we all know what my previous occupation was, I figured I’d tell you about a couple of my other jobs. But, briefly. My Mom is staring at me because I think she wants to leave the cave that is our apartment.

Shitty Job #1: Shoe salesperson at Lady Footlocker. Was supposed to push socks and such and those bow-biters that keep your shoelaces in place. Couldn’t bring myself to do it, but I could bring myself to do it in a sarcastic way. “Hi, would you like to buy a bow biter? The proceeds of the sales will be going to a home …

The pregnant dance is your chance to do the hump…

Thursday, July 8th, 2004

No baby yet. Just in case you were wondering.

Why do people get all huffy when they say to “do it” to make yourself go into labor and you say you don’t want to???

Rolls eyes. Whatever. Got them membranes stripped again. If she doesn’t come on her own this weekend, we will be going to the hospital on Sunday night to be induced.

Crapola. Either way, a baby is going to be coming. Wait. A baby is coming?? Huh? What?

Should I really be surprised?

Wednesday, July 7th, 2004

Yet another little piece of proof that Britney Spears is a complete moron.

Okay, if you’re going to marry some guy who currently has a knocked up girlfriend and had no problemo leaving her for you…and you have to buy your own engagement ring…and he is on your payroll because he has no money…and you’re worth $100 Million…and you’ve known him for 3 months…and you’re moving to California….

Then perhaps, just perhaps, you should get a prenup. Of course, if you’re “marrying for love, not for money….”

Wait. Of course you’re not marying for money!!! You already HAVE the money! He’s the one marrying for money since he seems to be a complete dildo.

See boys and girls, this is what …

Butts and stuff

Wednesday, July 7th, 2004

And now, since I can’t find any news to write about, I will instead just post pictures of a bunch of asses.

We all know what they say about good intentions…

Tuesday, July 6th, 2004

Last night, as I was sitting on the toilet (as usual), I all of a sudden felt very sad. I was thinking about now and how very different things are from this time last year.

The hubs was fast asleep in bed and all I could think about was how different things were. This time last year, I had a job that I still mostly liked, a house that I absolutely adored, money to spend…

And here it was, after midnight and I am now sitting on a leaky toilet in the only ghetto apartment in this nice town, knowing damn well I didn’t have anything to do the next day because not only am I unemployed, I am also pregnant.

And I …

Wait, I’m still here

Tuesday, July 6th, 2004

**Looks around**

I’m still here. No baby yet. (Warning, obscenities ahead.) FUCKING SHIT! WHY ISNT SHE HERE YET? DAMNIT! DAMNIT! (end obscenities.)

I’m glad to know that I will be there for all the important events in her life. Her wedding. Graduation. First day of school. First kiss.


Because I’ll probably still be carrying this child around in my belly. She’s not going to come. Ever. It is a conspiracy between her and the powers that be to continue making me miserable.


Darn, I’m in the wrong country!

Saturday, July 3rd, 2004

Having a baby is priceless, but I could really go for the $3,000 just for giving birth.

And that, Ellie, is how your mamma went crazy.

Friday, July 2nd, 2004

Thought you were going to go a whole day without me whining about pregnancy, eh??? HAHA, how wrong you were.

You see, a few weeks ago I said “I bet I go into labor on July 2.” And then I had said “I bet I’ll go into labor on the full moon.” And that happens to be July 2.

And yesterday I had my membranes stripped. And if you dare tell me how it didn’t work for your next door neighbor’s best friend’s lover….well, let’s not go there. I know membrane stripping works ONLY if your body is READY to go into labor.

Hello I am so ready to go into labor. Isn’t that enough?

So today I pull out the boobie pump and …

shock me, shock me

Friday, July 2nd, 2004

I’m going to say something here that will probably make a lot of people very mad.

Krispy Kreme donuts are good, but they aren’t worth camping out for.

Shocking, isn’t it?

Now, I like Krispy Kreme. I like going to the Krispy Kreme store, which we don’t have here for some reason, and picking out my two donuts and getting a coffee and sitting with the hubs and enjoying a little fattening breakfast.

But long lines that stretch around the block and people camping out and the need for police and such that I hear that comes with a Krispy Kreme opening? GOOD GRIEF, PEOPLE. THEY ARE JUST DONUTS.

Personally, I am a huge fan of Sundale Donuts, which can …

Gag me with this gag gift

Friday, July 2nd, 2004

I’ve always thought there was a double standard in Hollywood when it comes to nudity. You know, show the boobs but never show the weiner? Well, now that’s changing….sort of.

Come on ladies…you know you want to see Guys Gone Wild!

Yes, yes. Guys Gone Wild…just like the female counterpart. Okay, so I get the premise, naked college-aged guys, showing it off for the camera.

The stars are young, good-looking guys who aren’t shy about taking it all off and letting it all hang out. They gyrate like strippers, do push-ups and, in one memorable scene, bounce up and down on their hotel room beds while tossing a football back and forth.

Wow, naked guys bouncing and tossing footballs? What a dream!

Of course, …


Thursday, July 1st, 2004

I knew Donatella Versace was ugly, but I always figured it was because of WAAAAYYY too much plastic surgery.

Well, her 18-year-old daughter isn’t exactly a looker and it seems as if she’s a member of the MK Olsen Eating Club.

Baby babble

Thursday, July 1st, 2004

Membranes are stripped. Didn’t hurt at all. Wonder if I’ll go into labor????? BTW, now I know why everyone says I look “so little.” I’m measuring 37 weeks. But I’m really 39. How do I know for sure??

Natural Family Planning. Gets you “in the know” with your cooter.

PS– didn’t hurt at all! I want to strip my membranes EVERY DAY!

My Flickr photos.