Archive for June, 2004

Just curious…

Wednesday, June 30th, 2004

If you’re being treated for “an eating disorder,” then why would you go to a rehab facility that specializes in drug and alcohol addictions?

I need to read People Magazine a little more closely

Wednesday, June 30th, 2004

Who is this kid? Am I really that out of what is hip and happening??

Li’l Max$o arrives at the 2004 BET Awards at the Kodak Theater, Tuesday, June 29, 2004, Hollywood, CA

Get me some lube!

Wednesday, June 30th, 2004

Is that a baby’s head up your ass, or are you just really constipated and enjoy sitting on the toilet??

I’m gonna say it is the baby’s head. I have a feeling it is almost as fun as shoving a gerbil up there. Either way, with both you gotta go to the hospital for someone to dig it out.

Why today??

Wednesday, June 30th, 2004

Just my luck….

“Big” dream literary agent says I can send my book in to her. So I go and print all 300+ pages out. What would happen?

Printer runs out of ink somewhere in the 100s.

My truck doesn’t have AC so driving more than 5 minutes in it won’t work for me lest I pass out. ARRGG!

The pitter patter of little toilets

Wednesday, June 30th, 2004

The movie I, Robot is coming out soon. And the Hubs wants to see it. Fine by me, as it looks better than Spider Man 2, which I have also agreed to seeing, so I guess we’ll be seeing this movie.

Anyway, for some reason, every time I go to the bathroom during the night, I am reminded of this movie. Considering I go to the bathroom every 5.7 minutes, well, I have a lot of time to sit on the potty and think about robots and movies and potties.

You see, our house is controlled by machines. And when I say “machines,” I mean anything that is not human and does not breathe and provides some form of use. Such as …

I must have been using this birth control plan…

Wednesday, June 30th, 2004

Some people can seriously be so stupid. Do you really think that by heavily promoting abstinence in high school health books that students are just going to keep it in their pants?

And can someone please explain why “getting lots of rest” is important to contraception, but condoms are not?

Pictures, she’s got pictures…

Tuesday, June 29th, 2004

I just wasted a whole bunch of time, but have made it so now I can download some pictures onto my old blogger site.

So, I just downloaded a picture taken of me this Sunday. I’m doing it this way so I can keep my privacy for now.

Update: If you can’t see it, you can try beardog.blogspot.com

I need a subscription to STAR!

Tuesday, June 29th, 2004

Via Gawker.

Dreams do come true…

Tuesday, June 29th, 2004

If we could only be so lucky….

Atkins Diet may cut chances of pregnancy.

Mwah ha ha….

News to me….

Monday, June 28th, 2004

I personally find the local TV news to be some of the funniest things to watch out there.

So there was this very tragic event that happened here Friday. In case you don’t know, and haven’t been reading any Houston blogs, it has rained for approximately 2,574 days in a row. And when I say rain, I really mean a deluge from God. Biblical proportions.

This 14-year-old kid gets sucked into a drainpipe (you know, the type that runs from a ditch and goes under the street?) while riding along in a flooded ditch on an innertube.

Unfortunately, the kid drowns. Horrible. Absolutely horrible. But they go and find his friend and she says “I never thought something like this would happen …

Waiting game….

Monday, June 28th, 2004

So here’s this story saying that ultrasounds show babies doing all kinds of crazy shiznit in the womb. Well, duh. Ask any pregnant woman and she could tell you that her baby is doing the crazy dance in there.

They say 12-week-old fetuses can “walk” through the womb. Well, my 38.5 week old fetus can breakdance, do the Irish Gig and march in military formation at a moment’s notice.

Walking? Ahh, that’s for pussies. :)

Read the article. It’s interesting. Of course, you’ll need to be able to read “British” to understand what they’re saying with all the funky spellings and stuff.

So yeah, I have 1.5 weeks left. I don’t think she should wait until then. She’s going nuts …

BS Report

Friday, June 25th, 2004

OOPS! SHE DID IT AGAIN! Six months after she was granted an annulment from her two-day Las Vegas marriage, Britney Spears getting engaged to dancer-beau Kevin Federline, the singer’s reps confirmed Friday.

Always good to get engaged to someone whose ex-girlfriend IS STILL PREGNANT WITH HIS CHILD.

Some people never learn.

Misery loves company

Friday, June 25th, 2004

I know you haven’t heard about the “dreaded preggo message boards” and you were starting to get worried. Right???

Okay, well, first off, a sad thing happened and a woman had a stillborn baby. Very very sad. Well, then, for some reason unbeknowst to me, some other woman decides to chime in ON THE SAME DAY and say “I went into heart failure during my labor!”

Hello? Are you really trying to freak these people out or what?

So now the women are going nuts. “I haven’t felt my baby kick in two seconds and so I’m prodding her because she might die!”

Well, obviously we’re all supposed to be sharing bad news, so I should get on there and say how 24 years …

2 weeks or 2 days?

Friday, June 25th, 2004

You know you’re a wimp when your doctor asks you, while you’re spread legged on the table, if you want her to strip your membranes and you waver and say “Uh no!! No! NO!”

And that’s after you say you just want this pregnancy to be over with.

I guess I’m all talk. Possibly having a baby in 48 hours? I don’t think so….. Maybe next week….

Also, I’m happy to say that I’ve only gained 28 pounds so far and that I’m even happier that I have a super high cervix because even though the baby has “dropped", I don’t have a waddle.

What has the world come to?

Friday, June 25th, 2004

What I learned from TV today:

“The antichrist is coming and only Winona Ryder can save us.”

How NOT to get a man

Thursday, June 24th, 2004

Women, women, women. When will you learn???? You don’t have to get married to be happy! Seriously. I never, ever understand why women feel the need to get married so they can be happy.

I especially don’t understand you wanting to get married if you don’t even have a groom in mind.

So why in the Sam Hell is this girl putting up a website to get engaged????????? By December??????

I never, ever even THOUGHT of getting married until I met The Hubs. I mean, I figured I’d get married eventually, but it wasn’t until I laid eyes on him and got to see how wonderful and brilliant he is and how utterly happy he makes me that I knew I wanted …

Holy stinkums, batman!

Thursday, June 24th, 2004

Last night was one of those really long nights where the night just seems to go on forever.

Not that its a bad thing because, well, that means more time for sleep and more time for me to sleep next to the Hubs, who has to wake up at 7am.

For some reason, the guy has a habit of waking up at 3am and announcing that he “is wide awake and can’t go back to sleep.” I usually mumble something like go to sleep, my little fatso.

Then SJ’s skills come into hand as I make him lay down and then tell him to close his eyes and then I rub the top of his head while telling him to …

Like anyone cares…

Wednesday, June 23rd, 2004

I should win a medal. Why? Two people called me today and I actually answered the phone. And had conversations.

That’s a big step for me because I usually just hit the mute button on my phone and keep going on about my business. Yes, yes, I’m a recluse.

It happens.

Good grief, already

Tuesday, June 22nd, 2004

The feeling of dread is continuing…

I get a call because El Newspapero decides they want to have an “in person” hearing. Can’t because, well, I’m in Texas and I’m very pregnant.

I just wanted it over and done with. Seriously. I wanted to get on the phone tomorrow and be done with it all.

Now this is going to be drug out for weeks and honestly, I just can’t deal with it anymore. It’s in THE PAST. I’ve moved, I’ve moved away, I don’t want to say their name, I don’t want to think about them, I don’t want anything to do with them.

But no….they have to show evidence. Wonder which web site the evidence is going to come from????

I just …

Money can’t buy you pretty tears

Tuesday, June 22nd, 2004

Oh no! BS’ perfect little life isn’t so perfect anymore!!! I’d find the story for ya, but you know, technical difficulties and all won’t allow me to actually FIND the freaking story.

Let’s just all laugh at her misfortune.

Shock me shock me

Tuesday, June 22nd, 2004

File this one under “No shit, sherlock.” One of the Olsen Twins “enters treatment for an eating-related issue.”

But don’t worry your pretty little heads off. She still plans on travelling this summer and spending more money in a day than you will in a year.

Nobody will believe I have technical difficulties if I keep posting….

Monday, June 21st, 2004

I learned a very important lesson tonight. If you don’t want anything to come out of your boobs, it is best not to squeeze your nipple because “it looks a little moist.”

Yes, you might have just dried off, and you have just gotten out of the shower and before that you floated around in a bug-filled pool with your husband like you do every night, but just pretend that the reason your nipple looks moist is because you do not own very absorbant towels.

For the love of God, please do not give it a squeeze, because I can PROMISE you that you will not like the aftermath of what will happen.

What will happen is the product of the devil …

We all know clowns cry on the inside

Monday, June 21st, 2004

Okie dokie, even though I have “technical difficulties,” I just HAD to post about this entry at Jennifer Weiner.

So right. So right. So right on so many levels.

So this guy from The Onion is saying “I normally attract smart, funny girls – but most smart, funny girls don’t tend to be beautiful.”

Um, excuse me???

You better back off, bucko, because this smart and funny gal also happens to not be too bad looking in the looks department.

Yeah, you read that right. I think I’m smart, funny AND GOOD LOOKING. HA! So yeah, I don’t look like Jennifer Aniston, but you know what? She’s had plastic surgery. I sure as hell look a lot better than her “before” pictures. …

We interrupt your regularly scheduled blogging

Monday, June 21st, 2004

….I am experiencing technical difficulties….husband “fixed” computer yesterday…internet portion not working well…SJ banging head against wall….

Be back soon.

Totally serious here

Monday, June 21st, 2004

Note to ghetto children running up and down the stairs outside my apartment. If you don’t stop it, I’m sending this guy after you. And he won’t stop until you massage his ass with your tongue.

Duh squared

Friday, June 18th, 2004

Note to skanky hos who feel the need to apply for the Bachelor:

He’s gonna break up with you. It doesn’t matter HOW BLONDE and itty bitty you are, he’s gonna dump your ass.

Don’t move cross country for him. He’s gonna dump you.

And may I ask WHY the Bachelors are all rich and “successful” and the Bechelorettes are in more “skanky” professions, such as cheerleading and modeling????

I want to see a power broker Bachelorette.

A nice pulsating cervix

Friday, June 18th, 2004

WTF? Its 830ish AM and I AM UP. Been up since 7:30. Why? Cause I gotta call me some Planned Parenthood to get me some Prenatal Care.

Yes, in case you don’t know, besides killin your baby, they’ll also help it grow! Asian sounding woman who finally answered the phone ONE HOUR after the place opened, said “Call back one hour.”

Okay.

I’ve still been busy playing “I want to kill BCBS.” I spent all day yesterday on the phone. They seriously told me about 500 different things on the phone, depending on WHO I spoke to.

Had me in freaking tears most of the day. Got to the point where we were discussing flying back to Back Yonder to see …

Really not surprised

Thursday, June 17th, 2004

I’m not sure which is funnier.

1. That young people tune into SNL and The Daily Show for their presidential coverage
or
2. That 14/15-year-olds votes could count as quarter votes. Basically, teens are only 1/4 of a person.

“Mom! You don’t listen to anything I say!”
“No, honey, that’s not true. I listen to only a quarter of what you say. You’re only a quarter of a person. I’ll listen more when you’re 16 and you’re half a person. Until then, shut up.”

Reflections

Wednesday, June 16th, 2004

Its always fun to see someone new to pregnancy. 6 weeks along. Poor, poor girl :)

The hubs and I were sitting there today and I was like “Dude, only 3 weeks left. It’s mid June. She comes early July. 21 days.”

It seems like sooooooo long and yet soooo short at the same time. 3 weeks ago, I was still Back Yonder.

But, as my body goes into complete pregnancy shutdown “What? You want me to carry this for how much longer?” I think that these could possibly be the three longest weeks of my life.

And please, please don’t tell me how long those nights will be when she comes home. Please. I know.

To think back to the end of October, …

Isn’t she special??

Tuesday, June 15th, 2004

Everything will work out, right?? Right???? Would someone like to stand up and tell me that to my face right about now?

I got a call today from my new doctor’s office. Turns out that my insurance doesn’t work in Texas. No one bothered to tell me that when i was calling BCBS back over there, asking for a Texas doctor.

I’ve gone though every measure. Don’t even bother giving advice on it, because, trust me, I’ve called and talked to everyone that can possibly be talked to about this matter.

This would work…but no wait, it won’t because of that. Same with this and that and that and this…and oh, you don’t qualify for that because of this.

Basically, to make a …

Tossing and turning all night…

Tuesday, June 15th, 2004

I don’t know why I even BOTHER trying to fall asleep anymore. I had cramps off and on all night last night. Then, once I fell asleep, the pee fairy visits. Then I get uncomfortable and can’t fall asleep. Then I start thinking about unemployment. Then I fall asleep. Then I’m woken up by some massive thunderstorms. And then my back is hurting so bad that I can barely move. Then I fall asleep and the baby wakes me up by donkey kicking my ribs.

And the little ghetto children are already out on the stairs. I swear, I’m just gonna go out there with my wild hair and kick some little kid ass. Or at least scare them and play …

The circle of trust starts a mob

Monday, June 14th, 2004

It only makes sense to me that if you want to go and look like a nice, decent, civilized nation—- the best thing you can possiblly do is join a mob. Especially if the mob is against a lesbian movie.

Whatever. Its a stupid movie. If you don’t like the movie, DON’T GO AND SEE IT. Oh…and lets all note that according to the mob leader “women” were complaining about the movie….wonder why the men weren’t?

This reminds me of this TV show I saw last night. You see, our TV still doesn’t have cable so I watch these horrible stations…most are either religious or spanish. But anyway, there was a show on TV last night about why Harry Potter is …

Thoughts from the frontline

Monday, June 14th, 2004

*Why is it that every child in the world seems to want to stay inside and play video games but the little ghetto children around us INSIST on playing outside all day, every day?? And why must they use the stairs as their main playplace??

*I kept waking up to pee last night. Finally I asked the hubs what time it was. It was 3:30. I must have been up at least 10 times before then since I went to bed around midnight. Overall, I probably got up at least 20 times. And I still don’t think the baby has “dropped.” Blah.

*If you want to see those Bridal Guide pictures, you better hurry. I think the magazine goes off the stands …

Help, I need somebody….

Friday, June 11th, 2004

Maybe its the pregnancy. Perhaps its the hormones or the changes or maybe I’ve just made a big ol’ mistake.

I’m in one of those moods where I don’t feel like I can do anything. I’m just sitting on the couch, staring at the TV.

We thought it would only take the hubs 30 minutes to get to work. We had made the drive several times during the afternoon rush hour. It took him an hour to get there this morning.

He didn’t sound very happy about his job on the phone today. Maybe he doesn’t like it?? Is this my fault? Did I make him take it??

Someone made an offer on our house. An incrediably STUPID offer. Doesn’t want to close …

Who died???

Friday, June 11th, 2004

Okie dokie. Ronald Reagan died. I get it. He was a good president, he was a president, he was old. Wait. What did I just say?? He was old. And that’s what old people do. They die.

It happens. I’m not making fun of it because, well, he’s dead and people are sad and stuff. But his funeral on ALL MY TELEVISION CHANNELS??? We don’t have cable still. Don’t know if the hubs will give it to me.

But, anyway, so I just looked up at the TV and his funeral is on. They show Nancy Reagan. Al Gore. Old George Bush, who has a “happy 80th birthday” billboard over by my husband’s work. And then there’s Slick Willie.

The guy was …

1+1 melon

Friday, June 11th, 2004

So this substitute teacher lets second graders view porn. After the little kiddies snitched on him, saying he was viewing “bad things” (Hello– when are women’s boobies bad things?) he was fired.

And they confiscated the computer. Uh huh. Yeah, I bet they plan on destroying it. Right? Right??????

Land of Blue Bell

Wednesday, June 9th, 2004

**Taps mic, looks around**

Is this thing on???

Okay, after 1.5 weeks, I finally have access to both my laptop and a phone line, which means that I am FINALLY able to update my blog.

We’re in Houston, aka So Hot and Humid as Hell That You Want To Vomit Up Your Colon Anytime You Step Outside Land. Ahh, it’s nice to be home, isn’t it????

The sister in law and I made the trip in a record 18.5 hours, which included 3 massive thunderstorms, 1 trip to Dairy Queen, my one and only trip to Cracker Barrel, 5 zillion gallons of gas and sightings of more than acceptable numbers of “Adult Stores” on the side of the road. Who knew …


My Flickr photos.