Archive for April, 2004

Who are the people in your neighborhood?

Friday, April 30th, 2004

I’ve never had much luck with neighbors. Seriously. As long as I can remember, we’ve had some doozies.

When I was little and growing up in Groves, Texas, we had one spectacularly weird neighbor. Her name was (using phonetics here) Dorsa-lene. Dorsalene lived in her pajamas. As in, never left them. Ever. Even when the local TV news people would show up to interview her about her plants/construction/backed up pipeline down the road. The woman wore the damn things everywhere. One of my family members told me that she wore her husband’s underwear as well. Anyway her husband was a nighttime security guard. They found him dead at the bottom of the Neches River (prounounced Nay-ches) gripping a still turned …

Overexposure alert!

Friday, April 30th, 2004

Okay, I’ve had enough, America. Seriously. Even though I’m not a big fan of Hollywood people, there are SOME that are seriously driving me nuts with their incredible overexposure.

1. Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston. Um, hello? What in the sam hell have they done besides just be stupid? NOBODY CARES. Now Bobby Brown is giving interviews because he’s trying to shop around his reality show. Why are these people still in the news?

2. Britney Spears, aka BS- Pick up this week’s US Weekly. White trash alert. She’s just plain out nasty and skanky and honey, nobody cares anymore. Go to Promises Rehab already.

3. Demi Moore/Ashton Kutchner/Bruce Willis/His weird mouthed girlfriend– Kaballah. Woo freaking hoo. He’s young! She’s old! Bruce Willis …

You my baby daddy

Friday, April 30th, 2004

You know, I’m starting to feel as if the people on these “You may or may not be my baby daddy because I’m/you’re a slut” talk shows know nothing about genetics.

“The baby has blonde hair and we both have brown hair.” Well, lady, have you ever thought that your child does not have to have the same hair color as you do???? Could it be GENETICS????

Naked Twister is Not Covered by the Geneva Convention.

Friday, April 30th, 2004

This is probably the STUPIDEST excuse I’ve ever heard of. When asked about why he mistreated and beat Iraqi prisioners, a US Reserve Officer said:

Yesterday Frederick said he would deny abuse, claiming he was not shown Geneva Convention rules on how to treat captives.

He said: “We had no support, no training whatsoever.

“I kept asking my chain of command for things like rules and regulations. It just wasn’t happening.”

Well, I may be crazy and pregnant and stuff, but I have better sense than to do this to prisoners of war:

Didn’t know the rules, my ass. I know there are plenty of good, normal people in the military who aren’t doing anything bad, but it seems to me that …

I know how to keep that romance alive!

Thursday, April 29th, 2004

Things my husband doesn’t want to hear as he’s trying to fall asleep*

1. He needs a physical.
2. He needs a colonoscopy– just in case.
3. Has he been checking his nuts for testicular cancer?
4. Me asking him what he wants for lunch but isn’t going to get since he didn’t buy me that chocolate ice cream I wanted tonight.
5. My using the phrase “That is as futile as searching for a piece of gold in a port-o-potty full of watery crap.”
6. Asking if the windows are open.
7. Asking if he’s sure the windows are open.
8. Me asking why everything isn’t turning out the way I think it should.
9. Me asking what I should do tomorrow.

*I learned from personal experience tonight. Crazy …

Somethings wrong here…

Thursday, April 29th, 2004

In case you didn’t know, as I posted yesterday, I have now passed into my 30th week of pregnancy. That means that I’m winding this party down. Or, at least I’m about to. But it means another thing.


Huh? Okay, this just doesn’t seem possible for me to be doing this. Numero uno. I just don’t look 30 weeks pregnant. I really don’t. I’m still kinda on the small size, even though the doctor said that I had gained 23 pounds or something (and I thought I had gained 25 but I like 23 better) and my waist is now at 40.5 inches, up from about 30ish.

I have ten more weeks to turn …

feel da love

Thursday, April 29th, 2004

This guy seems to have a sense of humor. Any lady would be lucky to be his second wife. And have her wedding dress modeled on ebay.

The blue twinkies

Thursday, April 29th, 2004

I am sooooo going to the bookstore today to read this book–Belly Laughs.

Of course I’m not going to BUY it, I’m just going to READ it.

Call me crazy, but…

Wednesday, April 28th, 2004

I have a secret suspicion that The Olsen Twins are also lesbians. They’re on Oprah right now. She’s calling them The American Dream. Yee haw.

I’m 30 weeks pregnant today!

Wednesday, April 28th, 2004

My Mom is finally putting her foot down. It’s cute when she does that, especially since putting your foot down to me really doesn’t work unless you get mad. And that only works when you are my husband, who knows how to pretend he’s mad without being mad because “That’s the only way to get your attention.”

So usually, putting your foot down to me doesn’t work. Go figure.

She’s been on my butt about sending emails of my friends for a virtual baby shower. I don’t really know why, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. Why? I’m not one for baby showers. And second, I don’t want to make people feel like they have to get me stuff.

But …

the oompa loompa toilet bowl cleaner

Wednesday, April 28th, 2004

Is there some magical mystical land out there where people in suits sit around, thinking of items that can be used once and tossed?

Toilet bowl cleaners. Sponges. What the heck? Can you not put your toilet bowl cleaner into a little container to dry the dookie off? Why in the hell do they do these types of things?

What else could we be throwing away? Underwear? “Wear once and never waste money on washing again!” Television? “Watch a TV on a new set every day!”

I seriously don’t understand this. I mean, it’s so crazy that I’m having troubles even THINKING of things that people can waste like this. Why do they make it seem so wonderful?

Oh yeah. These are the same …

Breaking news….which isn’t news….

Monday, April 26th, 2004

I know a lot of yous womens out there enjoy reading and I just finished a really really really good book. It’s Bergdorf Blondes by Plum Sykes. Kinda like Devil Wears Prada or Nanny Diaries and it’s really funny.

You may now continue your regulary scheduled programming.

Thought Provoking…

Monday, April 26th, 2004

You know, sometimes all it takes to make someone’s day is just to go out of your way and say something nice to them.

I got a card from a coworker today. Never would have expected that one, especially since I’m imagining what was said about me was not exactly positive once I left.

It was a nice start, especially considering how low I’ve felt with the endless barrage of assholes trying their best to bring me down.

I don’t know if that person is reading this or not. But, thanks. It’s a nice feeling to know that some people still care for others.

okie dokie….

Monday, April 26th, 2004

i feel very confused. i had sent a friend an email and its like “Hi how are you i got fired and now i have no money.” it wasnt a downer or anything but just like yeah…this is what’s up. havent talked to you in awhile.

And then I get an email back saying that so and so is glad everything is good with me.


shaving matters…

Monday, April 26th, 2004

I never knew that hair removal was such a horrifying process. There’s this ad on TV for the “Finishing Touch,” which is supposed to remove hair from very sensitive places and such. Shows a lady removing facial hair, including eyebrows.

Hello, it’s a freakingrazor.

I don’t think I’d want to shave off my eyebrow hairs. That’s just wrong wrong wrong. Who cares if it looks nice? I prefer plucking or waxing, thank you.

What’s up with those razor ads that show women that are completely inable to shave their own legs? The women drop the razor, it goes flying across the room, they jump up and down on one leg while talking on the phone, smoking a cig and trying to shave.

You …


Saturday, April 24th, 2004

Did you know that Pottery Barn for Kids now has story hour? Let’s all imagine just how that will go….

Gather round, kiddies! I got a story to tell….

Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Aiden and a little girl named Hannah. Their parents, having waited until their early 40s to conceive, were very, very happy to have them.

Unfortunately for Aiden and Hannah, their Mommy and Daddy spent all the money on IVF and didn’t have any money left over for nice furnishings for their bedrooms and playroom.

Aiden and Hannah’s mommy bought them a $99 Jenny Lind crib instead of buying the magical $800 sleigh crib. (Holds up picture.) They then used cheap sheats from Target …


Friday, April 23rd, 2004


Okay, so I spent today sending queries to literary agents. All of my queries are nice and polite and I follow their guidelines.

I have NEVER EVER EVER EVER seen anything like this.

God, what is it with these recycled Hallmark card plot lines in queries today? I just responded to one, though yours may be even more hokey. Crossing over to the other side? Heaven? Hell? Give me a break. Like I told the other one, perhaps you could get away with something like this on Lifetime Television for Women, or an Oprah segment, but not with me. I deal with serious publishers of literary fiction and the editors would …


Friday, April 23rd, 2004

Fun fact learned from watching TV: Never let anyone touch you in an area covered by a bathingsuit. Unless it’s to keep you healthy.

Thanks, TV!

Answer correctly and you get a gold star!

Friday, April 23rd, 2004

Okay, it’s class participation time. In order to celebrate my one week anniversary, let’s tell stories!

What was the biggest goof off you did while at work?

**Note, I don’t care when this was. Maybe you were 15 or 20 or 60. It’s the point of sharing that we’re promoting here, people.

When I was 17, my Mom made me work at a Lady Footlocker. I HATED that place. You see, I’m not much of a salesperson. I don’t want to try and sell you socks when you just want shoes. Damnit, if you want socks, you’d ask for them. Let’s just say I never sold anything besides what they asked for.

Okay, so one weeknight, I get bored and start calling …

Note to my former co-workers:

Thursday, April 22nd, 2004

According to my site meter, my former place of employment has spent over 157 minutes online at my site today. Well, since about 2pm anyway.

Isn’t that special? Even better, not one person stands up to say anything in comments or in a little email.

Aren’t we nice?

I don’t get it. Obviously they are interested. Perhaps it’s the Asslicks in the Corner Offices who feel the need to come and read what I write. Maybe it’s just a former co-worker who had no say so in anything. If you are the second, feel free to keep reading.

I was going to write something really funny right here but HE stopped me. And this is guy who posted a picture of a …

Liar, liar pants on fire…

Thursday, April 22nd, 2004

I swear, people who go on the Oprah show must be stupid. Okay, so they are showing repeats of best shows and there’s this one guy who used to be fat. So the guy really wanted this one type of car.

So he goes to Oprah and she tells him that she borrowed a car for him to sit in. So he sits in it and then she’s like “haha! It’s yours!”

And then he acts surprised.

Okay, this woman is worth like a bazillion dollars. If I went on the Oprah show, no shit, I’d be expecting to get something out of it. Hello…this is Oprah.

Do they try and act all stupid so they don’t look selfish? Or were they expecting …

meow meow meow meow

Thursday, April 22nd, 2004

Today is Earth Day.

Yeah Earth. Woo hoo. Thanks for the crab grass.

Anyway, fark tells me to give a beaver a hug. I can’t even see mine. Where’s the Hubs when I need him?

Oh yeah…work. Bleh.

It is getting old now.

Thursday, April 22nd, 2004

Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don’t see
But it’s one missed step
You’ll slip before you know it
And there doesn’t seem a way to be redeemed

Though I’ve tried, I’ve fallen…
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don’t come round here
And tell me I told you so

Would you like some milk with those oreos?

Wednesday, April 21st, 2004

I’m in a bad mood. Let’s share, shall we?

I’m so glad I wasted $15 on breastfeeding class.

Now, before we get started, so you know, I’m not a big fan of breastfeeding. I know, stop the presses. I’m a freaking horrible person and my baby is going to have three legs or something.

But, anyway. I know all the benefits. Please don’t spout them off to me. For some reason, I find it scary. Gross. The thought of milk shooting out of anywhere makes me want to scream.

I was doing well until it came to video time. I’m not sure why we had to see this. It was some 80s video with these women who looked like they were so into breastfeeding …

insert vomiting sound here….

Wednesday, April 21st, 2004

You know, when I’m thinking about big decisions, I like to ask myself what would Richard Gere think?

Seriously, why do these Hollywood people think that they need to sprout all their political ideologies to us? As if I can’t make my own damn decision without pondering what Moby or Alec Baldwin would think.

And let’s not leave about Barbra Streisand, mmkay?

Why? Okay, so Gere was being celebrated for being the American Museum of the Moving Image’s man of the year. #1. That’s a stupid award. #2. What does this have to do with Bush?

Pearl Jam was recently on an album called “Rock against the bush administration.” Will someone tell me why they didn’t have an album called “Rock against …

Get out the firing squad for this idiot…

Wednesday, April 21st, 2004

Read this.

besides the fact that the guy killed the kid in the oven, which is horrible enough as it is…it turns out his mother is also a dimwit.

She told The Associated Press she first realized her son was mentally ill in 1996 when he killed her oldest child, a 25-year-old woman who suffered from cerebral palsy, by beating her with a dumbbell.

Pierott was found innocent by reason of insanity for her slaying and was released from a state hospital in 1998.

Um, okay. Aren’t you happy all you hippies?!?!??! The guy was let free! And look, he killed again!

It’s all your fault, I screen my phone calls…

Wednesday, April 21st, 2004

Sorry I’m not home right now, I’m walking in the spiderwebs, leave a message and I’ll call you back….

Hi, my name is SJ and I’m a stay at home Mom to a fetus.

I came up with a new slogan last night. When life throws you a curve ball, start swinging. Then I thought about it. Two other options to the curveball are to 1. get a bigger bat and 2. hit the umpire.

I like all three.

Anyway, I finally filed for unemployment. It wasn’t half as scary as I thought. Good thing it just asked generally how I had to leave my job. Luckily I didn’t have to explain because I don’t know how well “Worked for cockless dicknosed assholes …

Say it ain’t sooo….

Tuesday, April 20th, 2004

Everyone put their guns down. Honduras has pulled out their burrito makers errr, troops.

We’ll sure miss all 370 of you guys. Taco night at the base just won’t be the same.

It’s time for a nap.

Tuesday, April 20th, 2004

SJ goes on a job interview…hilarity ensues.

So I go to a job interview in neighboring city this morning. It’s entry level and the waiting room is full of girls in little business outfits with their dyed hair and shit. And then there’s pregnant SJ. I hear talk of fraternities and debutantes or something. I can feel Ellie trying to claw her way out of there. I don’t think she liked those girls.

I got the belly look, by the way. That means “No job for you.”

You know the look. It’s the quick look down where they try to not look like they are staring. But they are.

Anyway, they want you in at 745am and you work 8-6. I DONT THINK SO.

So… …

what? huh? what? what?

Tuesday, April 20th, 2004

Some doc says that they should prescribe pot for kids with ADD.

Is it me, or could you see a bunch of parents just KNOWING that junior has ADD and needs to be treated for it??? Ahh, think of the kids in high school. “Okay, this is what you do to pretend you have ADD…”

Don’t bark up the wrong tree.

Monday, April 19th, 2004

I was wondering why all these people were visiting my site. I figured someone out there was linking to me, I just wasn’t sure who.

It’s so easy to point fingers and say “fuck you” when you’re not the one with the troubles, isn’t it?

I knew that a few people knew my identity. But I didn’t post it on here. I didn’t post where I lived or who I worked for. It was a risk I took, but at the same time, I didn’t feel that I was in trouble. If I knew that my workplace would see this or had a problem with it, the site would have changed. They had the opportunity to talk to me, they just …

Laundry? What laundry?

Monday, April 19th, 2004

Idiot lights rug on fire, challenges roommate to see who can stay in the room longest and dies.

Goodbye, life. Hello, Darwin.

Anyway, this reminded me of all the fun I used to have with my roommate my freshmen year in college. And when I say fun, I mean fun tormenting her.

I went to a very very very very conservative Christian school in Colorado. I hated that place. Anyway, just so you know how evil the place was….the motto for gals was “Ring by spring or your money back.”

Oookkkaaay. I wasn’t planning on going to college to become some youth pastor’s trophy wife. Thanks for the options, MOM! (Luckily, I later ended up at Texas A&M University.)

My …

orange drinks and chocolate shrinks…

Monday, April 19th, 2004

Did you know that Sharon Osbourne says that the people on The Sopranos are just like us? That we can relate to them???

Huh? What? Even though my Dad totally reminds me of Tony Soprano (okay, except he doesn’t kill people, but he did own a funeral home) I don’t think that I have much in common with those people.

But then again, people used to say that the Osbournes were such good parents and we all know HOW THAT turned out.

I just took my nasty orange glucose drink for my gestational diabetes test. I don’t have the damn diabetes, so why do I have to get my blood drawn? These people KNOW i have a needle phobia.

I’m not talking “Oh I …

I’m not loving it.

Monday, April 19th, 2004

Okay, so I’m watching the Ellen show (woo hoo! No work!) and decided to go and look around on the internet.

Now here’s a funny story. McDonalds CEO dies of heart attack.

They went as far to call it “unexpected.”

I mean, really no heart attack is EXPECTED, but out of all the people in the world who I would expect to have one….the CEO of McDonalds is at the top of the list.

Have you seen those new McDonalds commericials? I guess this is their new attempt to get away from the Urban “I’m Loving it” Crowd…this one has some fake haired white woman eating a salad. So, you know, most places will say “A grilled chicken salad with low cal dressing.”

No, …

It might be a quarterlife crisis, or just the stirring in my soul…

Sunday, April 18th, 2004

My husband tried to brighten my spirits by bringing home ice cream today. That’s not to say that my spirits were horrible to begin with, but I haven’t exactly been sleeping soundly and you know how THAT goes.

So, I find out that he’s brought home vanilla. I mean, vanilla is good and all, but I’m thinking cookies and cream, mint chocolate chip….something a little more exotic.

But it’s just vanilla. He thought I’d like putting toppings on it. Isn’t he cute?

Then I find out that the vanilla ice cream is in a box. A damn box. He gets the death stare from his wife that says “Okay, so you bring me vanilla ice cream in a stupid ass box.”

Okkkkaaaaaay. …

Alert the presses, send out the press releases.

Friday, April 16th, 2004

I’m still here. Yes, you might notice a little change to my web site, as in everything is gone. No, it’s not gone as in “bye-bye” like my JOB, but gone as in well-hidden from the prying eyes of those who don’t need to be looking around here.

I’m not going anywhere. Do you think I’m going to let something like those idiots firing me keep me down? Hell, they’ve already fired me, I might as well keep blogging. I just felt like taking everything down because it seems as if EVERYONE at my former job has been trying to visit tonight.

And I don’t play that way. If they want to read some sarcastic ramblings about their job, well, I hope …

It’s been real, it’s been fun, but it hasn’t been real fun.

Friday, April 16th, 2004

I am in the midst of becoming an internet legend just like one of my Favorite Blogs. . I am not lying here.

It’s 11:22 in the morning on a Friday and I am at home. Why? Because I just got fired. Why you ask?


It seems as if someone at work found out about my blog and wasn’t very happy about it. I was sitting at my desk this morning, frustrated because people were cancelling on me for stories and this thought came to mind:

“I’m going to get fired.”

Not because of my BLOG, but because I felt that they would look at my inability to set up these stories as some sort of weakness. That …

Sisters, perhaps?

Thursday, April 15th, 2004

I know you see the resemblance.

paging Darwin…

Thursday, April 15th, 2004

This is a “shout out” to all of the parents who refuse to vaccinate their children because, um, their kids might might might might might get autism. (Which is stupid by the way. No studies have proved this. Don’t try to aruge with me, hippies.)

I hope you and your precious little ones are on one of these flights.

There are reasons why people are supposed to get vaccinated. I can only hope that by your overproctective ass not doing so, you are going to get some piece of Darwin social justice.

Don’t go there, girlfriend.

Thursday, April 15th, 2004

I’m going to let you in on a little secret. It’s the pregnant woman secret.

I like to cruise through any page where a pregnant woman has posted a picture of her belly and compare. It’s like what I assume guys do when they’re in the locker room. Shut up, you know you do it.

Okay, so I find this one chick’s page and she actually looks pretty good. But then I see her statistics and I want to shoot her.

She’s gained like 36 pounds and is STILL less than 140. Has a 40 inch waist now. And it’s time to give birth. And then I look at her before pictures. Somebody get me a gun. People that thin shouldn’t be …

These are a few of my least favorite things…

Thursday, April 15th, 2004

I know you won’t believe it, but I’m really not in a bad mood. Yet. I’m just me. Bored old me, sitting at work. I mean, come on, my Niece is saying that the hubs is her new best friend and she loves him. that’s good considering we live about 2,000 miles away and she’s only 3.

But, everywhere I look on the internet, I find annoying things. Let’s play “What annoys SJ!”

Oh no, Mr. Smoothie man. Please don’t hurt me!

*Interns who show up every day wearing shorts. If I have to put on pants. so does your stupid ass.
*American Idol. I seriously hate that show.
* The fact that The Apprentice is everywhere. I actually like that show. Overexposure …

In case you didn’t know already….

Thursday, April 15th, 2004

I really hate my place of employment. Seriously.

Okay, first off. They have these stupid little awards that are supposed to boost company morale. So you go and do something “spectacular” (most likely, you’re doing your JOB) and then someone says “Why golly, that was spectacular.” then they sign your name on some paper, they bring you chocolate and some balloons.

Okay two people in the newsroom just got it. FOR DOING THEIR JOB. I’m dead serious. One is an editor who has taken over Gimplicker’s job for the time being. He’s being honored, for what?As a reporter on the Features Staff, HE HAS NEVER EVEN BOTHERED TO SPEAK TO ME. Why? Well, one could be that he just doesn’t like me, …

In case you didn’t know…

Thursday, April 15th, 2004

File this one under No Shit, Sherlock.

Audrey “I’m a lunatic” Seiler says she’s messed up!

Note to gals: I hear a great way to get your boyfriend’s attention is to stage your own abduction, but do a really bad job in it. Guys like that ‘Really crazy girl” mentality.

And what types of physical pain is she overcoming? I mean, did she beat herself? What? Huh?

Uh, yeah. I have physical pain too. I think I need a week off of work.


Wednesday, April 14th, 2004

okay…i’m laying on my back, trying to deter the pain from returning and I need help. It seems as if one of my friends no longer checks her email and I need some help for my new non fiction book!

Okay, this is only like the first chapter, which I’m trying to write so I can send to agents so they’ll love me or whatever, but I need some help.

I’m looking for someone who graduated from college and moved back to the town the grew up in. I’d prefer it if you’re still in your twenties if at all possible. All it takes is me sending you an email and then you replying by using full sentences and stuff.

No biggie.

Any takers? …

Fashion police…

Wednesday, April 14th, 2004

You know….the green face paint, tongue piercing, cocoa puffs necklace, they’re all okay. I really think it’s the red dot that sent this look over the line.

Fuzzy navel math

Wednesday, April 14th, 2004

Could somebody please explain to me how it costs over $1 million an episode for Britney Spears to wield a digital camera backstage at her concerts??

Spreading across your brain like a nasty case of herpes

Tuesday, April 13th, 2004

I never thought I could be so scared of a male hairstylist with a European accent.

You see, I have to schedule makeovers for the paper. Makeovers for four people. I had to find the hair/makeup people and places willing to give clothes. (See Friday’s talk of Nordstroms.)

Well, I’ve had a hair makeup guy say yes. A clothing place say yes. But then I ask another clothing place to help, because My Life Isn’t Difficult Enough Yet.

Then comes the waiting. My calling. They not calling back. The tick tock of the days as they fly past with no makeovers having been done yet.

Then he calls. European stylist dude. He wants dates and he wants them now. I can’t give them …

delta delta do me

Tuesday, April 13th, 2004

Yet another reason why I don’t like sorority girls. They lie. I’m not talking about saying you don’t use the backdoor entrance when, ahem, you do, but about giving blood.

In an e-mail sent last Tuesday to about 170 members of Gamma Phi Beta, sophomore Christie Key, the chapter’s blood donation coordinator, wrote: “I dont care if you got a tattoo last week LIE. I dont care if you have a cold. Suck it up. We all do. LIE. Recent peircings? LIE.”

They left out this part of the e-mail:
Even if you have sex with multiple partners and are prostitutes to afford your fancy clothes, LIE. Even if you have HIV, have been to a third world country, are …

Here she comes, Miss I have a plain face….

Tuesday, April 13th, 2004

Oh gee, how did the judges ever decide which “plain pretty” Miss USA to choose? I mean, how many hours they must have pondered over which stick-thin girl to pick?

Glad they picked the liar who says she loves supersized crap from McDonalds.

Yeah, okkkaay. How many of those have you actually eaten and NOT thrown up?

Oh no…kidnapping…blah blah…

Tuesday, April 13th, 2004

…Continuing yesterday’s rant…

I have no respect for the people who choose to stay in Iraq due to greed. I feel sorry for these people, for their families, for what they have to go through. But, at the same time, THEY ARE CHOOSING TO BE THERE.

As shown in the story I just linked, these people have the opportunity to come home. But they choose to stay so they can make more money.

Well, buddy, can you explain this to me: How can you make more money when you’re dead? don’t you think your DEATH might hinder your family a little? Wouldn’t your family prefer to have you there than have more money??? So this one guy wanted to send …

You so crazy, I think I wanna have yo baby

Tuesday, April 13th, 2004

Before I get started on the daily nothingness that occurs as I sit at this Hellhole of a cubicle, I just have to point something out.

I seriously married the funniest guy in the entire world. Just read the top blog. It made me laugh.

I can’t explain how much laughing goes on at our house. It’s not like we’re telling jokes, it’s just that when I’m around him, things are so damn funny.

Of course, now that I’m a crazy hormonal basketcase, there’s a lot of crying, which sometimes he finds funny because I cry about stupid things. I know not to get upset over that because honestly, I am crying about stupid things. I can’t even remember yesterday’s stupid reason …

Whoopidy dee doopity doo

Monday, April 12th, 2004


Today’s incoherent thoughts:
1. They may be called the Junior League, but it’s probably because they have Junior manners. I got ditched TWICE today by them (by 2 different people) for interviews. Classy.
2. I’m going to write a non-fiction book. It’s going to be about life after college by your friend, The Sarcastic Journalist. (I’ll probably be looking for people to interview. Hint hint.) Yes, you can talk to me on the phone and see if I have a real Texas accent or not! (Answer: I don’t.)
3. We now have a crib for Ellie’s room.

My twelve pound donkey child can now make her appearance at any time because she officially has a place to sleep.

Well shit on me.

Monday, April 12th, 2004

did you know that if someone sends you an email about you but doesnt address you IN it, only CCing it to you that it is putting you in the loop?

Better not think I’m kidding…

Monday, April 12th, 2004

I am so annoyed right now that it’s impossible to be funny, sarcastic or anything else. I’m so mad at “my boss” and “a coworker” that I just want to walk over there, say what I really want to say and get my ass fired.

That’s how sick I am of this shit. Fifteen weeks I have been helping him on this one story series. 15 weeks I have written the same stupid story over and over and over until I just want to hit myself in the head with a dull object and render myself unconcious.

They change due dates on stories without telling me. All I get is an email to someone else about the changes with CC to …

**Breaking News**

Friday, April 9th, 2004


Got to work. Drank coffee.
Made phone calls. People don’t answer phones.
Got a little mad.
Sat around, played on internet.
Made more phone calls. People still not answering.
Send harrassing emails to husband.
Check email.
Check email.
Check email.
Call husband to ask why he doesn’t send emails. Demand answers.
Get email from husband.
Make phone calls. Guess what? Nobody is there.
Get bored, go to Barnes and Noble.
Read magazines.
Come back to work. People have called.
Delete message on accident.
Call Mom.
Check email.
Check email.
Why doesn’t my husband email back?
Get email from husband.
Make calls. Leave messages. Get replies.
Accidentally say “shit” on phone. Actually, it’s not an accident. I just felt like saying shit.
Get guy from Nordstroms on phone. He wants all my contact info to send me PR …

Cyberspace is for idiots

Friday, April 9th, 2004

Pregnant women, are in fact, stupid. There’s nothing else I can say about this. I’m bored, sitting here, waiting to go home so I’m looking at the pregnancy message boards. These things are so retarded. I have never seen such STUPID posts.

But again, these are women who refer to themselves as “mommies.” Ugg, makes me wanna barf. So, for your Friday viewing pleasure, let’s visit some of the more retarded entries. Note: These are nothing special. They are everyday posts.

“I ate the whole batch!”

Okay, I must say this. Each time they write something so stupid, they always ask “Anyone else?” Like they need this reassurance or something. Just eat the fucking cookies and enjoy them, lady.

“Favorite ice cream flavor?”
“Stretching hands …


Friday, April 9th, 2004

News flash update:


**News flash**

Friday, April 9th, 2004



Friday, April 9th, 2004


I blame it on the intern who was washing her hands when I walked in.

**News Flash**

Friday, April 9th, 2004

I’m so fucking tired of Fox News’s stupid “NEWS ALERTS.” “Loud blast rocks Baghdad!” Who fucking cares? damn, I hope a loud blast rocks all of Iraq and puts the damn country even farther back into the stone age.

So, in retiliation, The Sarcastic Journalist will now have her own news alerts for the rest of the day.


Get em while they’re young (and juicy)

Friday, April 9th, 2004

I saw on the Today show this morning about how some 9-year-old girl got arrested for stealing another girl’s rabbit. Katie “I’m now sweeping my bangs to the side now that I’ve had my face done” Couric is all “How sad, how horrible.”

Um, excuse me? How sad? This kid ADMITTED the rabbit belonged to someone else. She stole the rabbit. I don’t give a rats ass if it’s just a rabbit. It was someone else’s. And when you’re a kid, it’s not like you have lots of stuff. A rabbit is a big deal.

So the cops arrest the girl and bring her in for questioning. You know what? GOOD FOR THEM. That girl deserves it. If someone doesn’t …

My baby daddy

Friday, April 9th, 2004

I think it’s official. I’m about to drive my Baby Daddy insane.

You ever heard of “The Witching Hour?” Well, we have what I like to call “The Bitching Hour.” It’s the hour before bedtime, where SJ must start bitching and moaning about all the injustices in the world.

Last night’s bitch? (To hubs, while he was actually trying to read a book! Yeah him!) “I don’t want to have this baby because they are going to give me an episiotomy. They’re going to slice my cooter to shreads and make me never able to go boom boom again normally.”

Other recent bitches: I can’t get comfortable. My back hurts. My legs hurt. My head hurts. My nose …

Baby baby, you’re a bitch

Thursday, April 8th, 2004

I’m sorry, but she’s a bitch. This is just so wrong.

Isn’t it amazing just how many Hollywood people tend to have itty bitty babies? Like, a baby over 6 pounds in the land of nose jobs and The Zone is an act of God?

Well, lookey here. Debra Messing had a baby and woosh, it was only 5 pounds, 14 ounces.

Yes yes, I know that some people have little babies. But from all the normal people I know, most babies are in the 7-8 pound range. The ones who have had 5 pound babies had premature babies.

Too posh to push, hmm??


*Deliverence theme would go nicely here*

Thursday, April 8th, 2004

Should you really award a family that spawns 15 children?

Especially 15 children with (shudder) names that all start with the letter “J?”

Their most recent child, will be born in 2 months. It’s a boy. Mental note: If Ellie ever decides to bring home a boy her age from a large family in Arkansas and his name is Jackson….run. run. run.

Pass the Hersheys, por favor

Thursday, April 8th, 2004

Hell yeah!

I’m thrusting my belly out and doing the happy dance right now. THERE IS A REASON WHY I’VE BEEN EATING SO MUCH CHOCOLATE!

I’m going to have the happiest damn baby alive!

Why, the hair under your arm is so nice and long, Mother Jones.

Thursday, April 8th, 2004

In case you didn’t notice, I’m not a big fan of hippies. You may not think that you are a hippy, but there’s a good chance that I DO.

Anyway, just got a press release about middle-school Earth Day. They want us to cover it. Um….okay. The only reason i would is just so I can get my ass out of this stinky hellhole and I wouldn’t have to look at book Hoarder every frucking minute of my life.

But back to hippies.

I’m all for saving the Earth. Recycle, don’t litter, use less water, don’t DRIVE SUVS. But this Earth Day is just creating little hippies.

Some of the exciting events lined up:
Earthworm racing
Mud body painting

Well, geesh. …

Wah wah my hair isn’t blonde boo hoo

Thursday, April 8th, 2004

I missed The Swan on Fox last night. I was out having a fun time with the hubs, which included eating Birthday cake ice cream at The Marble Slab. YUM.

Okay, so the promos of the show basically call these girls “ugly ducklings.” Really, there are some that aren’t exactly cute or even remotely cute, but there are others that aren’t that bad. I mean, she’s no superstar or anything, but gee, if you actually DID your hair and perhaps put on a shirt that doesn’t look like it came out of a trashcan, you wouldn’t be that bad off.

So I saw the “after” pics of two of the girls. definate improvement. But I just can’t get over this.


Before I leave….

Wednesday, April 7th, 2004

Hey, you wanna do me a favor? tell me about where you live. In your own fun terms. People come here from all over BFE and I want to hear about where you’re from, darnit!

I’ll start.

I live in a good size town (100K+) in a large metropolitan area. We have a lot of trees. And access to great healthcare. But, that’s boring. We also have a very tense racial atmosphere here and there is a definate education gap: Either you are well-educated or you are as uneducated as they come. No middle ground. All the uneducated people work at the grocery store behind my house. And they hate white people.

There are 3 different types of grocery store chains. Actually, four. …


Wednesday, April 7th, 2004

Breaking news:

Reps for former Full House stars turned “tween” entrepreneurs Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen asking the media to no longer refer to them as “The Olsen Twins.” Rather, the sisters would like to be called simply by their own names.

Let me be the first to do it:


Hey? Who are those girls? Oh, they’re the OLSEN TWINS.

Know of any famous twin sisters who are waaaay too overrepresented in the media? YEAH, THE OLSEN TWINS.

Note to the bitches: You subject me to your skanky ass clothing line for 4-year-olds at Wal-Mart and I will subject you to being called THE OLSEN TWINS.

You may think you’re all bad ass, but I remember How the …

Letter to my vagina and all its friends

Wednesday, April 7th, 2004

I am not one for being wishy washy. To me, everything is black and white. Either you’re a big skany, flea infested ho or not. Either you smell like dookey or you don’t. It’s pretty simple.

Well, people, being knocked up isn’t that simple. There isn’t a clear set of rules to go by.

Por ejemplo: Take the wonderful cramps I have been having nonstop for two days now. Yes, I know they’re baxton hicks, which really means “Tough shit, you can’t do anything about em.”

So some sites say “They’re no big deal, tough it out.” others say “If there are more than 4 in an hour, call your doctor because you are going to die, you stupid bitch!”

Well, golly gee. I’ve …

yeah for Texans!

Wednesday, April 7th, 2004

This is just plain out gross. I am so glad I was eating (yesteday’s) soup while reading about filthy mcnasty over here.

Guy kills wife, kids. Cuts hearts out. Goes to jail. Pulls own eyeball out. Quotes Bible.

And they’re going to evaluate him for mental stability. Okaay. They should not restrain him and see what he pulls out (or off) next. I think that’s a much better punishment.

Forget potty training, this kid’s the shit

Wednesday, April 7th, 2004

I wish I could go to this restaurant to see the 2year-old working the cash register.

When my baby grows up, she’s going to be a 2-year-old Asian boy living in Louisiana who works at an Asian food place and counts correct change.

I dont feel like starting shit, but now I want to

Wednesday, April 7th, 2004

I don’t like to use the term “offensive,” as that is best used by hippies and idiots. But I’m personally finding the newsroom people to be rude.

Someone likes to steal change from the stupid change jar they have up for coffee. So now they’ve put up a sign telling the person how stupid and blah blah they are. Then they say that we can get together to have a fundraiser for a sex change operation so we can MAKE THE PERSON THE WOMAN HE REALLY IS.

Excuse me?

Fuck you. Numero uno. How do you not know a woman is doing this? Well, besides the fact that this newsroom really likes to keep women out of here as much as humanly possible, …

I want taco flavored kisses!

Tuesday, April 6th, 2004

In other Hollyweird news, J-Ho’s mother won 2 million playing the slots.

I guess J-Ho was too busy funding all her plastic surgery to help keep her mama living the good life. She had to fraternize with “the locals.”

Do they have a backdoor policy?

Tuesday, April 6th, 2004

2012: The year the Olympics went gay.

Just a tidbit

Tuesday, April 6th, 2004

Being the good journalist that I am, I’ll let you in on a website I found via E! Online. Go here and find out who your neighbors are voting for.

Even better, find out who Barbra Streisand is donating to. The answer? Anyone who’s a democrat. Loser.

I interrupt your regulary scheduled programming to give you this useless drivel

Tuesday, April 6th, 2004

Today is the last day of my second trimester. Woo hoo! I’m celebrating in many interesting ways.

Throw up breakfast, go back to bed for two hours. Wake up, stretch and cause a cramp in my massive calf muscles.

Get to work and forget my soup at home. Continue to have cramps (not the calf muscle kind) off and on.

Give nasty looks to Book Hoarder, who I just don’t like today. More than usual.

Actually become hungry on the day I don’t have my soup. Refuse to cry, but try and think positive thoughts such as winning Battleship last night while playing with the hubs.

Great, now I’ve created a lump in my throat.

Monday, April 5th, 2004

I’m going to be completely honest here, because if I can’t be honest on my own website, where can I be?

I’ve stopped taking my “stress medication” again.

First of all, let me explain this. I’m not depressed, nor was I. I think that’s an important thing to say because there is a big difference between people who are depressed and me.

We’ve had a lot of changes in our lives since we’ve gotten married. Moved across the country, job changes, home changes, problems at jobs, pregnancy. I went to the doctor last year with an ear ache. Turns out that I was grinding my teeth (I also have TMJ) and it was causing ear pain. The doc asks about my stress …

Why I dislike the general public

Monday, April 5th, 2004

You may think that I’m the most gripey person on the face of this Earth, but you don’t have to deal with stupid people all the time.

I’m going to give all yous people a newsflash in case you are EVER contacted by a journalist. WE HAVE LIVES, TOO.

What does that mean? Well, if I call you between the hours of 8-5 or whatever, that means I probably work regular hours. Do not choose to call me back on a Saturday night and leave a message saying you’re available now.

And I don’t give a rats ass if you are available Sunday, either. I’m AT HOME. As in NOT WORKING.

And then don’t say the only other time I can get you is …

What’s more disturbing? The lips or the hair?

Monday, April 5th, 2004

Sad thing is, judging by the object in her hand, she just deflowered someone. Poor guy.

Me Chinese, me play joke. Me put peepee in your Coke

Monday, April 5th, 2004

Seriously, all Asians look alike.

“Chinese men receive facial treatment during a promotion by a cosmetics company in a shopping district in Beijing April 2, 2004. REUTERS/China Photos”

Shakes head, scratches ass, mutters softly…

Monday, April 5th, 2004

Say what you want about me being elitist, but we have some really messed up people in this world!!

Come on, worshiping a dead whale? Letting it decompose and then building a temple with its bones?

If a dead whale means that good fishing is to come, then I guess all my rejection letters means that I’m about to snag an article for $2K.

***News Ticker***

Monday, April 5th, 2004

I knew it would happen. So did you. Bobby brown (aka Mr. Whitney Houston) wants his own reality series.

Now, of course, they could just follow him on his day-to-day life, but come on, there’s already one COPS on television. He could always sell the idea to Court TV, since he spends so much time in the courtroom already.

They could have contests such as which crack dealer (CRACK IS WHACK!) gets voted out of their house that week or which illigetimate child gets their child support that month, Survivor style. The losing child would have to wear clothes from (the horror!) The GAP.

In other reality news, Kelly “But it’s my BIRTH-DAY” Osbourne is in rehab.

No word …

Aww, thanks for stopping by. Don’t let the doorknob hit you on the way out

Saturday, April 3rd, 2004

There’s nothing I like more than people coming to my site and trying to start shit.

“Maybe you could move to Saudi Arabia and become a Wahabbist Jew-baiter and sell some stories about using Palestinian children’s blood for Hebrew ceremonies…”

Look how smart he is! He uses big words and names other countries and shit! Holy good fucking grief, if only my Mama woulda sent me to Harvard so I coulda read big books and learned how to be pretentious….my life would be so grand.

Jee, I said big nosed NYers with their Kate Spade bags….

Are we jumping the gun and ASSUMING a little (or a lot) about what type of people in NY have big noses and buy expensive bags? Last …

Woo ha! I got you all in check.

Friday, April 2nd, 2004

In more news you can’t use, yet another child with a stupid name has been born to yet another rocker.

Let’s all welcome Jon Bon Jovi’s new son: Romeo. He joins brother Jesse James. May they get their asses kicked many times on the schoolbus in years to come.

Pressure…under pressure…

Friday, April 2nd, 2004

Oh boy! The police say they only want what’s best for America’s favorite abductee sweetheart.

I’ll tell you what’s best for her. A foot up the butt and a one-way ticket to the looney bin. Once a liar, always a liar. This girl has issues.

And she’s still creepy.

Something’s not right here…

Friday, April 2nd, 2004

I was watching some news thingie on that Wisconsin girl who went missing. And I started thinking “Something’s not right here. This is just too weird.”

And wouldn’t you know it, the cops are saying the same thing now.

So one month ago she gets attacked and the person leaves. I would think, personally, if I was attacked, my ass wouldn’t be leaving my apartment at 2am alone for any reason. I’d be a little more careful. Carry mace on me or something. Learn a little kung-fu and kick someone in the nuts if they got too near me.

So why did she leave her apartment at 2am in the middle of March when it’s still cold? Alone? I’m betting …

Vomity vomit

Friday, April 2nd, 2004

I’m back, pity party over, with a nice case of coffee breath. As the hubs said yesterday “I knew you were having a bad day when you got mad about people asking how you were doing.”

So ladies, or husbands of ladies who have been/are pregnant…am I the only one who gets tired of the “How are you feeling” questions? I don’t think the hubs understands that I get annoyed easily.

But anyway, I celebrated last night by sending out even more letters to magazine editors, just because I’m that cool. Maybe I’ll get lucky this time. If I do, the hubs has agreed to get me a domain name for my writing. I already am using this one (but it’s …

I wish I had a towel to throw in

Thursday, April 1st, 2004

It’s really disheartening to be a writer. Really, it is. But before I begin, let me say that I actually feel like taking down all my other posts and just having this one on right now, but I don’t know crap about archiving and templates, so this will have to stick.

Writing isn’t like having a normal job. Say you work at a bank and for some reason, you want to leave the bank to go work somewhere else. Well, there are plenty of other banks for you to go to. When you are a writer, well, that’s not the case. There really aren’t a lot of other places for you to go to if you want to continue writing the …

yeah yeah, she’s pregnant yeah yeah

Thursday, April 1st, 2004

How to know that you have been pregnant too long, by The Sarcastic Journalist.

You take a nap not to ward off the incrediable amount of sleepiness you have, but to not go postal on those around you.

The words “oreos” or “moonpies” used in conjuction with talking about your breasts is a very serious offense.

It’s 8pm and you’re upset. Even though you don’t know WHY you’re upset, you are sure that a burrito will somehow fix it. And the burrito must come from a restaurant across town.

Brownies and cupcakes become suitable dinners.

The phrase “How are you feeling” is not one that should be uttered anywhere near you.

The only people who can possibly understand how you are feeling are also …

Get me a gun

Thursday, April 1st, 2004

“Hi how are you? How are you feeling? Are you okay?”

Well, I was okay until your annoying ass came and bothered me. When the hell will you learn that your incessant asking about my state of being has made me not really like you? Is it the fact that I have stopped turning around when you talk to me, or the fact that I no longer say “hello” to you?

I am pregnant. I do not have cancer or some serious horrible life threatening disease. I don’t fucking ask you how you are just because you are OLD. I don’t just automatically asume that death is knocking on your door right now. So don’t assume that there’s something wrong with ME. …

My Flickr photos.