Archive for March, 2004

Bad to be good….

Wednesday, March 31st, 2004

I just went shopping for a photo for the food section. Have a bag full of fancy chocolates and stuff sitting behind me. Just waiting to get put together to turn into a picture.

I want to eat those chocolates and make them pay. Pay for what? Being invented.

I see a note on a conference room that says it’s in use. I see that there is Obese Sports Writer in there on a call. Doing an interview. Why in there when he has his OWN desk I dont know.

But I wanted nothing more than to open the door and start screaming like a banshee. Especially since he was on the speakerphone.

It’s good to be bad.

I’m not sure HOW she does it

Wednesday, March 31st, 2004

The human body is an amazing thing. I mean, the heart can beat on it’s own, you can swallow and choke and have green stuff ooze out of all sorts of orafices. But what really amazes me is the female body during pregnancy.

The hubs (go by and say hi) and I have discussed this before. How does my body KNOW what to do? I mean, there’s obviously a lot of room in said uterus right now. Why does it grow even though my kiddo can’t fill it up yet? It’s like my body just KNOWS what to do, even though I have no clue as to what’s going on in there.

There are things that my now pregnant body …

Shame on you, America.

Wednesday, March 31st, 2004

For the most part, I don’t miss having cable. What I do hate about not having cable, however, is the shit that is on the TV now when we turn it on. Such as last night, when we were eating dinner.

I feel very saddened that the “best” choice out of all those horrible choices was American Idol. I can’t tell you how much I hate that show. Since the beginning, I found the concept to be completely idiotic.

“Oh wow! A bunch of ugly losers from around the country get together, sing some songs and people cheer!” Whoopy freaking doo. It’s like watching a high school talent show, only worse.

You are telling me that THOSE people are supposondly the best …

All praise the power of public school!

Wednesday, March 31st, 2004

Just to prove to all of you people who send your little resume-padding child to Harvard, that those people there aren’t any smarter than the rest of us.

Harvard researcher claims to start SARS research center in China but really spends the $$ on one of those Nigerian email scams. He won’t admit that he’s been scammed and won’t be making a $50 million profit.

No responsiblity here!

Wednesday, March 31st, 2004

Of course you’re not responsible for the fact that your toddler eats a diet full of junk food.

Nope, not at all. I mean, if the toddler wants to eat only dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets in front of the TV, well then by golly, the kid should get it. Who cares if the rest of the family is eating at the dinner table?

No….you’re not responsible for the fact that one day this kid is only going to want to have Happy Meals from McDonalds. In fact, you’re not responsible for the fact that you, yourself, drive said kid to the McDonalds each and every day for the heart attack in a bag.

You’re not responsible for not turning the TV off, …

Deliriousness sets in

Tuesday, March 30th, 2004

I often find myself having to do interviews about REALLY stupid things. I mean, the type of interview where I only need to ask one question, but since I have to write a certain amount, I just keep asking more and more questions.

And they keep getting worse and worse. Then it gets to the point where I’m so tired I have no idea what the Hell I’m saying. I just had one of those interviews. I really have no idea what went on in it.

Good thing I have a tape recorder. But, that’s boring. Let’s all look at this picture of a before and after for a facelift, shall we? It’s a lot more exciting.

I’m so tired I can’t …

Dumb terrorists

Tuesday, March 30th, 2004

Good to know that it seems we are fighting againt the world’s most stupid terrorists.

They had “planned” on Sept. 11 to have two different attacks. One on the east coast and one on the west coast, but were surprised how mad the US got and how quickly action was taken.

Typical men, I swear. They don’t think ahead. Were we just going to sit there and go “Hmm, look! They’re crashing planes! Crazy!” and go about our daily business.

These people are more stupid than I thought. Oh, and California being America’s richest state? Well, it has a lot of dumb Hollywood people there. And the people there are dumb enough to pay insane amounts of money to live there….

Whatever. …

First assignment

Tuesday, March 30th, 2004

I have my first freelance assignment. Unfortunately, I decided to do it for free (it’s not a paying market) but it’s a magazine and I feel that it would be good for my resume and for when I send out queries. It’s about boobies.

Woo hoo, yeehaw, Ellie is happy and kicking. On the right side, as usual.

I feel a big fat “screw you” is in order here

Tuesday, March 30th, 2004

Open letter to the “airlines":

You know, if you’re going to call something a bereavement deal, well then, it should be a deal. There’s nothing special about your prices. If someone is needing to get a special deal to fly across the country because someone died or is sick, well then, they probably don’t have a lot of money, do they?

But instead of offering these seats (for a flight TONIGHT) that would otherwise be empty at a reasonable rate, you go and jack up the prices and try to explain why your deals are so special. You don’t care. You get your cheapass tickets because you work there.

You are heartless. IF you want people to continue flying the friendly …

Insert play on words here

Tuesday, March 30th, 2004

I am so happy to know that J Ho is really just like me.

You know she’s a bitch, right? Crazy demands like white lillies and 600 ct sheets and limos and high dolar hair people. Never donates to charity.

Well now that everyone hates her (didn’t they already?) she’s really just Jenny Been around the Block. Oops. I mean FROM the block. Whatever.

She’s donating to charity! Using a REGULAR photographer for instyle magazine! Not demanding those lillies anymore!

Wow! She really is JUST LIKE ME! (clasps hands, giggles with glee!) I can’t wait for her to go to Super Target with a coupon just to buy some oreos because otherwise they’re too expensive! I can’t wait for her to live …

I coin thee Dildo Buttlick

Tuesday, March 30th, 2004

You know a pet peeve of mine? When people have twins and name them cutsey names. It’s even worse when they do it to quads.

Someone should take away these people’s children for inflicting them with these names.

Jacob, Jacoby, Jason and Justin.

Okay, these poor kids are already QUADRUPLETS. You are going to name TWO OF THEM with basically the same name? What a freaking great parent you are! I see it on the dreaded message boards all the time. “I want to name my twins Addison and Madison!” or in a pregnancy magazine yesterday, “Lily and Daisy.”

Well, aren’t you freaking adorable? You’re not the one who is going to have to go through life with some weird identity complex …

This used to be my playground…

Monday, March 29th, 2004

Today, my unborn child has a treat. It’s a bigger, more fun-filled uterus to play in. How do I know this? Well, for starters, she’s kicking up high, right under da boobs. Actually, she’s kicking all along the right side of me, as if to say (probably to the placenta) “Check this shit out! More room! I can kick here…or here…and look at this corner of the uterus! How spacious it is!”

She’s probably already planning to redecorate (my genes) and put in a big flat screened tv (her father’s genes). She’ll invite friends over and they’ll all start kicking around. As it wasn’t enough that she’s been doing Riverdance on my cervix. Nooo…..this child wants the whole damn enchilada.

Yes, I …

what? huh? how?

Monday, March 29th, 2004

Another insite into the wonderful world of journalism for all of those of you who don’t give a rats ass:

See, since I do features, a lot of times, I’m busy doing what I want. That means, I sit around and think “Hmm, what do I want to write about?” I try and hide from news as much as possible (and it works, because I DONT DO NEWS) and just go about my merry own way.

Por ejemplo, some stories I have written about because I felt in the mood to do so (or because I wanted to bake something for the picture.)
cookies. halloween treats. candy apples. baby names. paying for childcare. spring fashion. authors or musicians that I like that will …

somebody gets paid to write this crap.

Monday, March 29th, 2004

I told you MSN puts stupid little story quips up on its site.

“How do movie zombies go so fast?”

Yes, in comparison to REAL zombies, which we all know, from personal experience, go slow. In next week’s edition: Why does the Wolfman howl only at the full moon?

Musta been the chocolate bar and the Dr. Pepper yesterday

Monday, March 29th, 2004

Somebody call a doctor! I’m being positive. I’m scared. Really, really scared.

I hope your weekend was as good as mine. Didn’t really do too many things special, but you know what, as far as weekends go, it was good. We found an AWESOME church yesterday. About stinking time. They played the electric guitar, some people wore shorts, the pastor was funny and get this…the sermon was titled “Don’t worry.”

Very approperiate, don’t you think?

We’ve stopped worrying about our upcoming big changes. We’ve decided to stay in the house. If that means I have to go back to work once maternity is done, so be it. We want our house, darnit, and we’re going to stay in it. It’s such a …

My weight loss complaint.

Friday, March 26th, 2004

You know what? Americans are fat. And they have no one to blame but themselves. Honestly.

I am going to tell you why you’re fat right now. You eat too many calories and don’t burn enough off. Simple as that. If you take in more calories than you burn, you gain weight. It’s not rocket science. You can go and blame McDonalds or Burger King, but it’s not their fault. They’re just doing business. It’s your fault for driving through that Drive Thru and Biggie Sizing it.

You say you’re hungry and are at work. Well then, bring your lunch. It’s cheaper, healthier and more convienant. How long does it really take to slap some meat on two pieces …

Too much information overload, if you ask me.

Friday, March 26th, 2004

You know what I don’t get? Overhyped blogs. I really just don’t get them.

To me, the blogging world seems to be a lot like junior high. It’s all who you know, your appearance, if Daddy buys you clothes from Abercrappie, etc. I’ve gone to some of the more popular weblogs and honestly, for the most part, I’m not impressed. In fact, I’m downright bored.

That’s why I’m so disappointed by the Bloggie awards. These are supposed to be the best? Are you shitting me?

Perhaps I’m just difficult to please or am a blog snob. But, for the most part, most of those blogs I find terribly boring. Not that I’m saying I’m all cool and shit, because, …

Rock your body….

Friday, March 26th, 2004

I’m proud to say that at least once in my life, I can brag that I’m the same size as Gwyneth. It’s hard to be all gracious and hoity toity when you got that belly, huh?

PS I’m also gleeful because I know, under that dress, that she too has big ugly nipples!

Bam!

Friday, March 26th, 2004

Good morning and how’s everyone doing today? You’re probably playing hookey since it seems the majority of the good ol’ US is having nice weather finally. It’s reaching 80 here, so I’m not going to complain.

Last night, the girl/baby/fetus/unborn child decided that she did not, in fact, like it when her Dad annoys her through the belly. He had his face up to it, talking baby smack and then she kicked him right in the face. He tried it again. She did it again. He then started blowing kisses. Yup, kicked him again.

Take that, daddy!

I’m liking this kid more and more.

I’ll lend my vote to dave barry

Thursday, March 25th, 2004

From Howard Dean, referring to Kerry:

“Who would you rather have in charge of the defense of the United States of America,” Dean asked the crowd, “a group of people who never served a day overseas in their life or a guy who served his country honorably and has three Purple Hearts and a Silver Star from the battlefields of Vietnam?”

What about the guy who came back from overseas after finding a loophole to get out and then went on to talk shit against the war and go to rallies like Jane Fonda? Okaaaay, Bush was smart not to go. He was younger than you. You got out, so did he.

Get over yourselves already.

….You are a friend of mine

Thursday, March 25th, 2004

Today’s highlights in no particular order:

1. Dr. Pepper. How you are my friend.
2. Continuing to find more ways to make fun of Public Enemy Number One.
3. The pictures of Leta over at Dooce. Come on, Ellie! Get here already!
4. Someone from work, who I recognize but don’t know said he finally noticed today that “I have one in the oven.” He said this is the first time he’s seen me and noticed it. I’ve hid my child well for six months, I say.
5. Reveling in the fact that no matter how bad things get, I will never be as stupid as Public Enemy Number One.
6. Walking around our parking lot and enjoying the 65 …

What’s the buzz?

Thursday, March 25th, 2004

Okay, after a story is written for a newspaper, it goes through several hands. Editors, copy editors (who proofread), designers, you name it. Sometimes copy editors (who you don’t even know) will call you to ask a question.

I wonder if they did that with this story.

Time to take the vibrators out of the closet.

Is this a multiple choice test?

Thursday, March 25th, 2004

Pop quiz, hotshot.

What do you do if you’re 14, a dork with bad grades and, as your family says “the intelligence of a 12-year-old” that can’t even kiss a girl?

Why, blow yourself up for the Palestinians for the promise of having 72 virgins to “have relations” with.

Dude, you’re a virgin yourself. You should be asking for 72 experienced women so you would stop being such a loser.

Is that a bomb in your pocket or are you just excited to go through security?

Wednesday, March 24th, 2004

Tired of waiting in long lines at airports? Want to get to your crowded seat in the back of the plane next to the baby that won’t stop crying a little bit faster?

Well, now you can.

All you have to do is provide samples of blood, urine, feces, your DNA, submit to an iris scan and sign over the rights to your firstborn child. Enjoy!

Who are these people and why are they allowed to speak?

Wednesday, March 24th, 2004

Oh boy! It’s the racist police!

So, these firefighters “Hung up” a dummy from a cross beam in the ceiling. Some say with a noose, some say it was just hung up. Well, now what they did was racist.

I feel really confused. This is a horribly written article.

After a tour of the facility by Washington and the police chief, Washington filed a formal complaint with the mayor, saying the hanging dummy was racist. He likened the move to the killers at Columbine, who practiced shooting before their deadly rampage.
#1– is Washington black? and #2, are they going on a hanging rampage where they hang people like crazy?

Washington described the doll as tan with stringy hair.
“I have …

Boys and girls are NOT the same, you retard.

Wednesday, March 24th, 2004

Fumblenuts is a complete idiot. We already knew that. But, he’s being MORE idiotic today than normal.

Yesterday, I wrote a story and referenced a husband and wife writing team. I referred to the husband as Smith and to the wife as Jones-Smith. Get it?

So, we have a quote, by Smith. Fumblenuts is all “I don’t know who said the quote.”

I say “Well, there’s Smith and Jones-Smith. It should be obvious.”

So I go and look at said quote that’s just SO DISTURBING. It freaking says “Smith” on there. What the hell? How in the hell can I make this quote any more clear? Perhaps I should write “Smith, the guy with the penis, not to be confused with his …

Have a nice day!

Tuesday, March 23rd, 2004

Gee, thanks American Government for trying to scare the beejeezus out of us when we’re all trying to buy our chocolate bunnies in time for Easter.

The problem is, these “scare tactics” really don’t work for me anymore. Oh, sure they did after September 11, 2001, but you know, you can cry wolf only so many times.

So here, are the things you need to worry about, according to the news people. Go get your duct tape and pay attention to the MNM color code, already!

*Evil people are coming back to terrorize all of us again.
*Don’t try and run because, well, Gas prices are at an all time high!!! You can’t afford to run!
*So, go and …

Why kids are stupid

Tuesday, March 23rd, 2004

Why children need discipline and why teachers should be able to actually do something to bad children in school.

I just read a website of this 12-year-old girl who has a brain tumor. Yesterday, the kids at her school were chasing her around screaming “Cancer patient!” and trying to hit her in the head with a basketball. They succeeded and, indeed, did hit her. In the head. Where she has a brain tumor.

These are the same kids who intentionally tried to cough on her while she was getting chemo and had a low immune system. Some people could say “Why not take her out of school?”

Sure, take a 12-year-old girl with a brain tumor out of school, out of her …

A tale of two nuts

Tuesday, March 23rd, 2004

There’s a weird thing that happens to you when you’re the picky eating, don’t go out to eat thin person amongst a sea of really, really big people.

They start attacking your eating habits.

You see, I bring my lunch to work every day. Yes, every day, unless we are out of all food or I have to do some lunch-related thing for work. It’s always a very boring lunch. Fruit. Sandwich. crap like that. My coworkers dont like that. Book hoarder has made fun of my fruit and sandwiches, like I’m some evil incarnate for bringing the stuff into her presence. She once swore that I was a vegetarian because I don’t order meat-heavy dishes at Mexican restaurants.

Food Guy, who really …

No really, I’m fine.

Tuesday, March 23rd, 2004

I must have some kind of sign on me that says “Caution, handle with care.” I hate having to get up at work and walk around. I just KNOW it that someone is going to stop me, take a look and then say in a very cautious and overly caring way “How ARE you?”

Well, I’m pregnant. I don’t have lyme disease or some fatal cancer. Just a belly parasite that lives here for 9 months before making it’s dramatic exit. Every time someone asks me this, I kind of get this look on my face where I raise my eyebrows, force a fake smile and say “I’m fine. How are YOU?”

You really don’t want to know how things really are. …

We name our son “Toaster,” since it died 2 hours before his birth…

Tuesday, March 23rd, 2004

The Hamas leader isn’t dead! He was just being born into some stupid family to a mother who hasn’t caught on to the fact that she believes in a male dominated religion.

Could somebody PLEASE get a missle and aim it at that part of the world already?

Better late than never?

Tuesday, March 23rd, 2004

Sixty years later, China finally announces it will catch up to the 1960s.

Beatles mania and afros soon to follow….

The joys of adulthood

Monday, March 22nd, 2004

It’s been a weekend of tough decisions over here in SJ land. Really, there weren’t any decisions to make since they have been made FOR US, but it was more of an acceptance of the decisions, which I am still working on.

In case you are wondering, I don’t always do too well with change.

We’re going to rent out our house and move into an apartment. Now, I know you’re thinking “Okay, SJ. You have a nice new house and you are going to LEAVE it and move?” Yes. Childcare here is unbelievable. Maybe not to yous guys in NYC or whatever, but $800/month to me for someone to lay my child down ina crib for 40 hrs a week …

For all you NASCAR fans

Friday, March 19th, 2004

Turns out that Nascar star Jeff Gordon has a little temper problem. He also doesn’t like reporters. Well, neither do I. He’s lucky I wasn’t the one he mouthed off to.

Gordon: “What the (expletive) is wrong with you?”
Story: “I’m just doing my job.”
Gordon: “Well, your job sucks.”

I would have told him that yes, my job does suck. But so do you, you cheating asshole.

I would have enjoyed that conversation very, very much.

Fun times at email high

Friday, March 19th, 2004

You know what you non-Hotmail email users are missing out on? This stupid blurbs they put on the entry page to hotmail so we will go “ooh! I wanna fuck up my email experience and click on this!”

Por ejemplo: Today, it’s “When celebs ignore you.”

Well, gee. I didn’t know that “celebs” did anything but IGNORE us slimy regular people. I even gave in and clicked on something today, and all it did was bring me to a 5 hour diet coke ad which never ended. And there was no “close” button. In fact, I finally closed out of the page because the ad just kept going and going.

Why does MSN think that I give a flying flipping burrito WHAT hollywood …

Fuzzy math

Friday, March 19th, 2004

How to scare the shit out of yourself in no time flat: Realize there is no way in sam hell that you can have a child, have a house, have a job and or a babysitter at the same time. In fact, you can’t even have the child and the house with no job.

Must start process to sell a kidney.

Well, isn’t that interesting?

Friday, March 19th, 2004

In breaking news from my desk…. (and no, I’m not making this up)

First graders are not allowed in the newsroom anymore. Second graders can tour, but not their first grade counterparts.

Nothing was said about Kindergardeners. We’ll keep you updated as events unfold.

And the words just keep coming out of my mouth.

Thursday, March 18th, 2004

I think that sometimes, I confuse people with what I say. For example, PR person calls me up about Kristi Yamaguchi. I want to get an interview with just ANYONE who knows her who can say “She’s wonderful, I love her, she’s hot” or whatever.

So she calls and says “How about Scott Hamilton this afternoon? Is that too soon?”

Me: “Oh, no. That’s fine. I just need to take a few minutes to take off my staring at the wall cap and put on my thinking cap.”

Complete silence on her end. Don’t think she got the joke.

That’s not frost bite, that’s sunburn…

Thursday, March 18th, 2004

Hey New Yorkers! Did you hear the news? Even though it’s supposed to snow tonight, The Weather Channel currently thinks it’s 92 degrees there! Enjoy!

everybody does it

Thursday, March 18th, 2004

Come on, you know you do it…..

you google yourself, don’t you? Hell, I do, but a good reason for that is because as a journalist, it’s funny to see where my stuff pops up.

I just recently found some college student’s critique of a story I wrote last year on Clay Aiken. Obviously, this student was an Aiken fan and enjoyed that I gave his fans a voice.

She/He didn’t like, however, that I didn’t report more on the sports game he attended.

I also have a story I wrote on Autism on a vaccination website right now. The type of website that gives hippies hard ons about “vaccination is bad! germs are good!” and shit. I’m not a fan of that. Especially …

Give me a gun or some advil, already.

Thursday, March 18th, 2004

I need a cathater and a butler. Anyone willing to be one for me? the foot tendonitis is still here. Can’t walk worth shit. I’m doing all I can but the “treatment” is anti-inflammatories, which even I won’t take. WTF am I supposed to do?

I go to the Dreaded Preggo board and someone says “Uh, don’t use it.” Well, fuck, I’ve already THOUGHT of that, but pissing and crapping on myself isn’t my exact idea of fun. And, well, you know, I do have to go to work. Which involves walking my ass up stairs. The hubs has pushed me through a grocery store in a wheelchair. He brings me food and is always telling me to sit.

But the damn …

A little tale about grandpa

Thursday, March 18th, 2004

Let’s have a hypothetical situitation here. Let’s say that grandpa is 80-year-old and has Alzheimers. Grandpa also needs kidney dialysis or he will go into a coma.

Wouldn’t it just make so much sense to put grandpa on a cross-country flight alone, where he had to CHANGE PLANES??? And not inform the plane people that “hey, this guy has alzheimers and needs to have a leash on him or something!”

Well, obviously one retarded family did.

Oh, they settled for someone to escort grandpa. But this person didn’t know that grandpa wasn’t all there. Somehow, grandpa didn’t get escorted. grandpa gets lost. Grandpa almost dies.

Family gets mad. Wait, huh? You leave grandpa alone like that and you get mad?? If …

Watching the hours….

Wednesday, March 17th, 2004

Ahh, I’m crazy, I’m hormonal, I’m bored at work. It’s time to visit the pregnancy forums!! Woo hoo!!

To the lady who went off on all of us who want drugs, saying she’s doing what nature intended:
well, if you are supposed to do it as nature intended, then i guess a c-section is out of the way. can’t do that. nature didn’t intend on it. just let the baby die.

To the people who speak with glee of having baby showers:
i think showers in general are a really bad idea. They’re tacky, nobody likes going to them and it’s just plain out uncomfortable.
Why would I want to subject people to having to watch me open a present? If someone wants …

So long, farewell, don’t expect me to say goodbye

Wednesday, March 17th, 2004

I see your true colors shining through…

…Only a couple of days left and Yesman aka Gimplicker has become the man that he really is. He’s being an ass. Can’t it be friday already and can’t he already just be gone?

A lynching we will go…

Wednesday, March 17th, 2004

Yippee freaking skippy! Someone get out the KKK hoods and the lynching tools! A county in Tennessee is trying to make being gay illegal.

It seems as if gay people could be charged with “crimes against humanity.” How in the hell do two men taking the backdoor route or two women licking carpets count as crimes against humanity?

MMM…okay…..

While we’re at it, can we ban severly obese people, stupid people, ugly people, anorexics with orange skin (That’s all of California), people who hate Texas for no reason and the entire Northeast portion of the United States??

Can we? Please?

Survial of the fittest

Wednesday, March 17th, 2004

Ahh, to live in Arizona. An 80 mph speed limit and cops cant pull you over for not wearing a seat belt.

I think the seat belt part is dumb, but come on, if you’re stupid enough to go 80 and not wear the seat belt, well, we could use to get rid of you anyway.

Bam bam!

Wednesday, March 17th, 2004

The World Bank president got paint bombed. Come on, tell me who (important person or just a peon) you would like to do this to. I can think of plenty…. but right now I’m going to go with an ex-friend who, the more I think about it, is an idiot.

A day in the life…..

Wednesday, March 17th, 2004

I get a lot of stupid emails at my job. Emails from people who are just so desperate to see themselves in the paper. Emails from people who must really think that I’m sitting here, twiddling my thumbs and HOPING they will send me some retarded email.

Let’s share, shall we?

I am writing to convey my admiration for my family. Last January, I gave
birth to my son (insert way overused name here.) The special thing about (overused name son) is that he is the 5th
generation of my family. But that is not the end of the story; 28 years
ago when my older brother was born he also was the 5th generation. The
(newspaper, which you didn’t write …

My innie will not become an outie

Tuesday, March 16th, 2004

Dooce has posted her birth story and well, my vagina is quivering. And I don’t mean in a happy do me type of way. My vagina is saying “What? You expect what to come out of THIS? Do you even REALIZE that your husband is 6′4, you crazy woman???”

I think that childbirth, in general, is a really bad idea. I mean, some little thing with a head and shoulders and feet is supposed to pass through an itty bitty little hole? Yeah, okay. Whatever. You won’t see me crying if this baby is breech and they do a c-section. Hell, I’ll offer myself on the chopping block if that means my cooter doesn’t have to expand to accomodate …

No sarcasam, just an observation.

Tuesday, March 16th, 2004

So the very stupid, very ugly Carmen Electra thinks that life isn’t worth living unless it’s in front of a camera.

that’s really, really sad. Last night, I had one of those moments that are just so wonderful, even though it’s nothing big. The hubs and I were sitting in our bathtub (called a “garden tub” by our home builder), reading our respective magazines– American Baby and US Weekly. And I was reading US Weekly.

But anyway, it was just one of those things. The water was warm, we were just sitting there, enjoying ourselves, talking about Ellie, about how things have changed so much for us in the past year and how they are only going to change more, …

When work gets in the way of blogging

Tuesday, March 16th, 2004

The good: I’ve been gone the majority of today at a PR conference. Where they fed me. Of course, on the way back, I stopped by my house to ice my tendonitised foot.

The bad: I fell asleep. For an hour.

The worst: I had too much crap to do to fall asleep, even though I let myself do so anyway. I return to find emails asking “where is this story?” when I haven’t written anything of it yet. Fear is taking over. I’m also annoyed because I want to blog about something but I can’t find the referring story and I don’t have time to really put my thoughts together.

The horror!

Monday, March 15th, 2004

I have an almost overcooked pizza roll thingie sitting on the counter in the kitchen screaming my name over and over. But first, I must tell you about the newest pregnancy forum fun.

Seems as if they’re having a competition to see who is the biggest trooper. That means, not taking any form of medicine, even if they grow an extra head and their vagina may fall out because, Dear God, we must protect the baby at all times.

They are saying “I take tums but that’s it. I just have learned to deal with the pain.” Well, aren’t you saint bitchy bitch? Instead of taking medicine, they all masturbate with honey-lemon herbal organic cough drops made possible by your friend, Paul …

You must be shitting me.

Monday, March 15th, 2004

Okay, so you’re telling me this woman refused a c-section, which resulted in the death of a child, because she feared getting a scar???

She is one ugly mofo. And one stupid one, as well.

Shut up, motherfuckers.

Monday, March 15th, 2004

One of the things I hate most in life are people who beat around the bush. The type who, for some reason, can’t say what they want, they just feel the need to hint and hope you’ll get it.

Well, you know what? Fuck you. if you want something from me, THEN COME OVER HERE AND ASK ME DAMNIT. Don’t send little emails to Fumblenuts and CC it to me and DISCUSS ME IN IT.

Por ejemplo:

“…………due asap (maybe it’s in?)”

No, motherfucker. It’s not in. The damn story is due TUESDAY. Let’s all say it together. Tues-day. Not Monday. Not Sunday. TUESDAY. If you would like to have your retarded story that I don’t give a rats ass about …

Nappy hair extensions not included

Monday, March 15th, 2004

You too can look like a floozy. BS launches a makeup line.

Maybe you can reflex your brain?

Monday, March 15th, 2004

I really don’t understand how people can be so stupid, especially when it comes to dealing with the media. I call some people OVER A WEEK AGO and ask to speak to someone there about reflexology for pregnant people for a story.

So someone eventually calls me back and wants to know if I am calling because I want them to place a fucking ad.

Yes, dipshit. I randomly call people and ask for the most obscure topic because I want you to place an ad. I’m trying to give you some freaking free advertising. Don’t be so stupid.

Pregnant SJ is even meaner than Not pregnant SJ

Monday, March 15th, 2004

My trip to Washington DC aka “No honey, it’s okay. Go stand in front of that nice pregnant lady who doesn’t look pregnant because, obviously, she’s not trying to look at anything.”

I hate children. And most people. Why people feel the need to bring small children to a city full of museums and hours of walking is beyond me. So, for your viewing pleasure, I’ll incorporate a list of highlites from this weekend, in no particular order:

1. Big greasy obese gay man with a bad fashion sense charing the door while on the tour bus at Arlington Cemetery. Seems as if he thought there must have been a bbq going on at the Tomb of the Unknown soldiers because I …

Chinatown or bust!

Thursday, March 11th, 2004

I’ve made the lists and checked them twice. Blue line to L’enfant plaza to yellow line to gallery place….

I am The Woman in charge of our trip to Washington DC. If it were up to the hubs, we’d do what we did LAST TIME we went there, which involved walking all over Gods Green Earth and eventually, causing me to get in a Very Bad Mood, all because “Why in the fuck are we still walking when it’s cold outside?!”

Now I have an intenarary. It has the names of subway lines and exits and times and costs. We have restaurant names. We have backup plans. And we’ll still probably get mega lost.

I’m not sure why he is trusting me …

You ain’t seen nothing yet

Thursday, March 11th, 2004

I remember thinking, as a child, that I would grow up and have seven kids. Seven. And though I was raised Catholic (woo hoo! Not anymore!) I’m not sure where this intense desire for a large family came from.

That changed in eighth grade when I saw the ‘Miracle of life” video, which involved a very large hairy vagina with a woman screaming like a banshee. I decided after that, no kids.

So how in the heck am I sitting here pregnant? My belly grew an inch sometime last night. It’s now 39 inches. It’s still hurting like a bitch, so I won’t be surprised when I get home tonight and discover I now have a 45 inch waist. These types of …

Wonder what Dr. Ruth would say?

Thursday, March 11th, 2004

One of my friends recently emailed me and asked about sex and pregnancy.

I haven’t been able to bring myself to answer BECAUSE I WOULDN’T KNOW. According to this article I should be a non-stop 24-hour a day horndog.

Instead, my poor hubs is stuck with a chick who is more Clifford than Randy.

I feel like shooting someone after reading that article. Thanks for making me feel worse than I already do. Well, except for the part about the husband milking the wife. That’s just plain out nasty.

If someone is cooking fish in the microwave, I will have to go all postal on their ass.

Thursday, March 11th, 2004

There are many things that can normally make me sad. Music, for example, has a way of making me bawl like a little girl for long periods of time. I refuse to listen to sad music.

Right now, I’m mourning the loss of some of my pineapple on our breakroom floor. Oh pineapple, I will miss you.

The sad thing is this: I told myself “No caffeine” today. That means no Coke. But here I am, telling myself that since I lost my pineapple and forgot to bring a plum in my lunch, that the Coca-Cola is the exact thing that will bring me happiness in this time of sadness.

My husband also emailed me and mentioned something about a burrito. Since …

Same old, same old, just add in hippies

Thursday, March 11th, 2004

You people need to make the news more exciting for me to read. You see, I only post stuff when my “Inner voice” speaks to me. It’s this voice that says “Ha ha you idiot.” Then I post on here what I think.

But nothing is getting to me.

We went to the worst modern dance thingie last night. No, wait. Take that back. A year ago, we had to go to this dance (for work) and it lasted over an hour. These people moved SO FREAKING SLOW that if they had done all the movements at regular pace, they would have been done in three minutes. I’m not lying. Ask my husband. He had to suffer through it, too.

So, …

Well, isn’t that special?

Wednesday, March 10th, 2004

I just had a conversation with Kristi Yamaguchi about breastfeeding. I also managed to get in a “Holy freaking crap! You’re little!” into the convo. She said I was a small pregnant chick.

Overall, I think I scared the shit out of her. That seems to happen a lot.

Why I don’t like being a member of the media

Wednesday, March 10th, 2004

I am about to post a very disturbing picture. I can’t believe that the NY Post would run this. If you would like to read the story before clicking “more” read it here.

I can’t believe that they would run this. Why am I showing you the picture? because I can and I’m warning you. There is no warning when a picture like this is on the front page of a paper. Yes I know it’s very newsy and she’s the 4th student to jump this year and SOMEHOW they managed to get it on film.

But this is plain out disturbing.

Change for one million?

Wednesday, March 10th, 2004

Tip for the stupid:
If you are going to go and try and buy shit with a fake $1 million bill, let’s try and not look like trailer trash, shall we?

And people, before you go all hedonistic on my ass and say “what’s the story?” It’s all over the news. Go to any news site. It’s probably there. I haven’t read the story, all I need to do is look at the picture and get a sense of what we’re dealing with here.

Well, isn’t that a shit in the pants?

Wednesday, March 10th, 2004

If I ever believed in uttering the expression “Oh, Fuck me” (not in a sexual tone) I’d say it right now. (I do, however, say it in my head often and always feel bad about doing so.)

Decided to do a little background research on the agent. Research I SHOULDA done yesterday but didn’t. She has some form of “editing conflict” and “Isn’t recommended.” Well, damnit.

I then get this email from this dance lady. You see, Fumblenuts decided to order me to go to this stupid dance thingie at 6pm tonight. Didn’t ask, just said “okay, go.” So I decide to play along. Turns out this thing is from 6-930. ARE YOU SHITTING ME? You expect me to sit through …

Lazy, hazy days

Wednesday, March 10th, 2004

There are many things in this world that I am. I’m sarcastic, moody, crazy (in a good way), funny at times and last but certainly not least: LAZY.

The battery on one of our fire alarms has been beeping now for a few weeks. You see, the hubs and I are both deaf in one ear so hearing which one it really is is harder than it looks. But I have a feeling which one it is. I just don’t care.

It’s like we have this constant little bird chriping in our house and every time I hear the little beep beep, it reminds me how lazy I really am.

So, last night, I decided to try and do something un-lazy. I …

Oh, don’t go there…

Tuesday, March 9th, 2004

“What, woman? You think my violent actions resemble those of the domestic violence crazed husbands on Montel?”

I’ll show you a violent action!

Because there’s no news that excites me…

Tuesday, March 9th, 2004

I am thoroughly looking forward to July, when the contents of my uterus will come out of an itty bitty hole and change my life forever.

But, I’m not looking forward to THAT. No, I’m looking forward to #1 meeting the little kicker already. And, most importantly, #2, not having to come here to work anymore. And that makes me very very very happy.

I am also looking forward to Friday, when we leave for a nice little vacay to Washington DC. The land of free historical monuments and hours upon hours of walking around the big ass city. Should be fun, considering I now have to stop twice on 3 mile walks.

I think my husband is really worried about this facet …

You like me, you really like me!

Tuesday, March 9th, 2004

Aww, people think my little ol’ belly is cute. That’s sweet. But, just so you know, it definately is “hairy” and I am not a big fan of that, but I’m 1/2 Cajun so it’s not like I’m this hairless person to begin with.

Last night, one of the coolest things happened. Ellie had been kicking FOREVER and so I said “Hey, I’m going to see if I can see my belly move.” Well, she outdid herself one minute later because all of a sudden, I see something poke out from under my skin. It was either a foot, knee, hand, elbow…but she kicked hard and it pitched a little tent up under my skin for a second. It was so …

Uh, I still need a recommendation….

Monday, March 8th, 2004

Breaking news from the newsroom……

Bossman, aka Gimplicker—- just quit.

Um, yeah.

Monday, March 8th, 2004

I’m not lying when I tell people that being pregnant isn’t exactly tops on my “fun things in life” list. At any given moment, I feel there is a great chance that my uterus is going to explode, causing the skin on my belly to rip down the middle, exposing a horrible amount of chocolate and candy hidden beneath its surface.

I really understand how women are able to gain about 1 zillion pounds during pregnancy. It’s like “I’m pregnant. I deserve to eat an entire cake by myself, in one sitting.”

I know because I just caffeinated myself for the second time today. I didn’t mean to do it. It’s just that, well I was tired and my stuff hurt and …

I’m about to go Texas Chainsaw Massacre on you

Monday, March 8th, 2004

It’s amazing how working in close proximity with people can really make you want to shoot them. Every time my retarded boss sneezes, well, it makes me want to get out a sledgehammer and put him out of his misery.

You see, he doesn’t sneeze like a normal person. No aaaa-choo! No, it’s this sound that is a combination of a groan, suffocation, whine, sneeze and any other annoying sound that the human body could possibly create. Maybe he could just suffocate himself and put all of us out of our misery.

I hate his sneezes. When he sneezes, it makes me hate him more.

Other coworkers are just as annoying. Book hoarder feels the need to go “mm hmm” at least 1 …

You aren’t really expecting a reply, are you?

Monday, March 8th, 2004

How to make me not like you in 1.3 seconds flat.

#1 ask me if I’d like a “headshot” for my story.
#2 be a crazy Jewish New York bitch.
#3 repeatedly email me, asking if the story has run
#4 when I email you back for the zillionth time telling you i’ll let you know when it runs, ignore me.
#5 keep on emailing, except now type in all caps in the subject line, followed by a zillion ??? marks.

Elisie D. Cow

Monday, March 8th, 2004

I’m going to have nightmares about this picture for awhile. Note: Not safe for work. Well, maybe it is, depending on your view of tatas.

You know what song is stuck in my head? Milk, milk, lemonade. Round the corner, fudge is made.

Way to represent our country, girl.

Monday, March 8th, 2004

Nothing says “Tacky American” quite like fake blue nails.

I don’t abort Brownies, I eat them

Monday, March 8th, 2004

Those crazy Brownies. First they are all off getting abortions, now their troop leaders walk topless down the street.

I’d be happy to let Ellie join that troop, even though I think that, in general, the Girl Scouts are Evil.

Get well soon….

Friday, March 5th, 2004

This further confirms my suspicions that doctors are complete morons. Please go over and leave a good note for Stacey.

She’s 21, pregnant and just found out she has cancer. Stace, I’ll be praying for you.

This will go all over the place

Friday, March 5th, 2004

Yesterday, I read a comment over at Java Diva about what makes a good Mom. There are a lot of ways someone can become a good Mom. There is no set magical way where if I go and stand on the hippy stone and eat all organic food and lactate out of my tits for 2.3 years, that I will all of a sudden be the best Mom in the world.

I wrote on there that my Mom is a good Mom. She worked a lot, had a c-section, bottle fed, didn’t join PTA or whatnot, but was still a good Mom. She was there for me. She raised a little SJ and was able to not go crazy …

Just name it Rutabega already

Friday, March 5th, 2004

You know you want another pregnancy message board story. so the idiots are all talking about baby names.

One lady has decided on the first name for her girl— Paige. they asked their 2-year-old what to name her and he said Anya. So they are all like “That’s so cute. He said Anya.” But they want a different middle name. You know, one that they actually like. Eventually, they find out that Anya is his word for “Onion.”

They are still considering it because it’s so cute that he said “Anya.” Well, my 2-year-old niece said our baby should be named “Peach” but you don’t see me doing that, now do you?

How to have a good day, SJ style.

Thursday, March 4th, 2004

How to get the most out of your day, while doing the least amount of face time at work and still doing what you want:

(I’ve followed this plan all day and am having a spectacular day. This plan may not work well for non-reporters.)

** Start your day off early. Meet for an interview at 8am but leave at 7:30 just so you can get those 30 pesky minutes off your back. Have the interview somewhere fun, such as a coffee place. Order coffee. Take a long time to interview.

**Go back home and eat breakfast you had to skip to get to interview. Watch a little Today show and make lunch. All on the company clock. Heck, you already did …

You asked for it!

Thursday, March 4th, 2004

I’m too busy to go and do a bunch of Googling, but here is the story behind that picture of the bloody kid.

I stand by my opinion. These people are idiots.

And before she goes…

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2004

We had a fetal echocardio gram for da baby today. It’s all good, the heart is good, she’s good…as I expected. I don’t get worked up over things like that. In fact, I’m a very calm mother-to-be. Probably too calm for most people, but I don’t care.

But anyway, they ask “why are you getting this done?” And I say “My twin had tetrology of fallot.” (Heart problems. Big heart problems.)

She said “how is she doing?”

“She’s dead.” Just like that. Plain and simple. No she’s passed on or whatnot. She died. It was sad, I’m sure, but these things happen.

My frankness about things like this can really confuse people. I have no problems telling you that I had an identical …

He hates Sean Penn, too!

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2004

Yet another reason why Bill Murray is so cool:

Actor Bill Murray shocked guests at Sunday night’s Academy Awards - when he refused to clap as rival nominee Sean Penn was named Best Actor. The Lost In Translation star looked annoyed when Nicole Kidman announced Penn had won for his performance in Mystic River. According to British newspaper The Sun, Murray later shouted at organizers, “If I knew this was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bothered coming.” The 53-year-old comedian has made no secret of his dislike of award ceremonies, and didn’t show up to collect the Best Actor award at London’s BAFTAs last month. Murray has said, “Awards are meaningless to me, and I have nothing but disdain for …

New Yorkers, take notice

Tuesday, March 2nd, 2004

In case you didn’t know, even homeless people want to have sex.

Our homeless people aren’t that exciting here. They all pay their $20 panhandling fee, (yes, there really is one) stand on the side of the road wearing their brightly colored panhandler vests, and fight with the people asking for money for charity.

It would be a lot more interesting IF THEY WERE having sex, but by the looks of most of them, I don’t think I’d want to see it.

But I don’t wanna do it!

Tuesday, March 2nd, 2004

I have “to do” lists up the wazoo.

I have a list on the wall at work, detailing 10 stories I’m supposed to be working on. I really haven’t started most of them, except for calling and emailing and just trying to get people to talk to me. I should be a professional appointment scheduler, I’m really good at it. Of course, I have NOTHING to do right now because everything I do involves waiting on other people.

I have a list of places I can’t bring myself to call yet. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s laziness. Maybe it’s just that I’m not sure what I’m doing yet. But these numbers sit here and look at me.

I have a list that …

Yeah, we already knew they did this.

Tuesday, March 2nd, 2004

Liberals can suck on it.

What I’ve been saying all along, news sources like CNN slant the news depending on who is president.

5.6% unemployment rate under Clinton? ALREADY LOW.
5.7% unemployment rate under Bush? Oh, that’s a big, huge jump. In fact, people should be jumping out of buildings because it is so high.

And the award for the stupidest awards show goes to….

Tuesday, March 2nd, 2004

You may not be able to tell, but I’m about to breathe a collective sigh of relief. Hopefully, all of this Oscar talk will go away. The damn show is over. People wore dresses. Some were pretty, some weren’t. None of those people know how to actually dress themselves, which explains for some of the uglier ones.

Some people won awards. Many more didn’t. The acceptance speeches were boring and the people were boring and the minute of the awards show I saw was BORING.

So why do the news talking heads keep talking about it? Who cares? Why do people give such a rats ass if some overpaid idiot wins some overhyped statue and gets some absurd goodie bag?????

I was home …

Uh, Dad…the reason I have a cough is…

Tuesday, March 2nd, 2004

I bet this girl is really popular in her town.

She’s 27 and has a persistent cough. Turns out she accidentally inhaled a condom during “fellatio.”

Why, I’d love to leave a speciman!

Monday, March 1st, 2004

I just got back from the OB. This visit’s mantra? HOW IN THE FUCK DID I GAIN 13 POUNDS?!?!?!?!??!

I do not understand this whole “leave a speciman” thingie they always say. Please just say “Hi, SJ, please piss in a cup now. Thank you.” So you go into the little potty and there’s a list on how to accurately pee in a cup so long that I woulda sworn that I was doing something more complicated than taking a leak into a plastic container.

Wash hands. Take moist toweletes out of package. Three. Hold lippies apart. Wipe 3 different ways with 3 different towlettes, while continuing to hold lippies apart. Manage to take cup and place it under said lippies …

I’m riding on a wooden ship and Captain Termite is at the wheel

Monday, March 1st, 2004

I have this feeling that GimpLicker sits at home, on the crapper and comes up with stupid stories he wants me to call people about. That’s the only way I can even conjure up the things he makes me do.

I just got off the phone with a local funeral home. My question? “Uh, what happens to people when they die and there is no family?”

Well gee. If they’re dead and they have noone else, why do any of us care? I know, that’s horrible and I’m sure people do care and no one should die alone, but COME ON, do we really need a front page story about this? Especially when you want ME to write it and take this …

My dissertation on why Sex and the City is stoopid

Monday, March 1st, 2004

ATTENTION MEDIA CONSUMERS OF AMERICA. I have a newsflash for you.

Sex and the City is a television show. Yes, it is. It’s not real life! Carrie isn’t off jaunting around NY with Mr. Big and what’s her face with the blonde hair and ugly face doesn’t really have cancer. Seriously, she doesn’t.

So why do people keep writing about the damn show? I can’t tell you how HAPPY I was that it ended. Seriously. I was so sick of US Magazine writing about the show as if these people really existed.

What gets me is all these women wanting the Sex and the City life. They want free casual sex, anytime, any place. They want $500 shoes and lunches with the …

A general dislike of Mel…

Monday, March 1st, 2004

I’m a Christian, but I’m a Christian with a sense of humor. (Yes, they really exist.) So this guy decides to wear a devil costume to the Passion of Christ movie.

I read the article, and it seems that all he really did was wear the costume. No running up or down the isles, sceaming and cheering when Jesus is beaten or anything.

But the Christian groups in there went a little overboard on his ass. They jeer him while trying to get consessions. They pelt him with juju bees. A 75-year-old woman dumped a 64-oz coke on him.

The manager asks him to leave. WHAT?? WAIT? WHAT? He wasn’t the one throwing things or pouring cold refreshments on …


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