Archive for February, 2004

Could it be?

Friday, February 27th, 2004

Perhaps it’s a sign? Maybe this is the chance I’ve been hoping for. You know, if you follow this for any time now, that I’m trying VERY HARD to break into freelance. Very very very hard.

Well, a source that I just interviewed for one of my stories, get this, is an editor at Child Magazine! Even though I was interviewing her, I decided to ballsy it up and asked if I could query her sometime with a story. She sounded surprised, but said yes.

Only problem? I’ve seen Child magazine, but haven’t read tons of it. So now I’m worried that my idea wouldn’t fit their magazine or that it’s just too weird. Also, I’ve been in touch with some people …

Arachnophobia, anyone?

Friday, February 27th, 2004

The next time your kid begs you for a pet frog, snake or even a gerbil… show them this article.

Probably my must stupid entry ever

Friday, February 27th, 2004

Please don’t hate me, but I’ve committed a horrible sin. At least, it’s a sin that’s pretty horrible in SJ-land.

I know watch reality television. It started off innocently enough, with Survivor Outback. And then I had to watch Survivor Amazon because someone from my town was on it. Then the next one looked good. Then I started watching Survivor All-Stars.

Then we got rid of cable, which means that I only have about 4 or 5 channels to watch. I saw all of Fox’s “The Littleist Groom” (I can’t spell today, sorry) and saw a few episodes of “My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance.” I saw the ending of the “Bachelorette” and screamed like bloody murder when Meredith dumped the sweet …

Avert your eyes

Thursday, February 26th, 2004

I meant to go to the YMCA today and go swimming. I have this fear of putting on too much pregnancy weight and having to work super hard to get it off. But, of course, it snowed today and the whole DAMN CITY had to shut down, including the Y.

So, I pulled out my workout clothes and did a few minutes of pregnancy aerobics, which are seriously like Jazzercize. But anyway…. here’s a pic my hubs took while I was admiring Homer Simpson on the TV.

That’s me and my 21 week belly and 50 week boobs. After that I went and ate 3 pieces of cheese toast and I’m still not totally satisfied. But now you’ve seen it. There’s the …

Really no sarcasam, just an observation

Thursday, February 26th, 2004

Aww, look at those two dead little badasses from Columbine. They were so cool, they had to go and kill a bunch of people and then kill themselves. That just shows just how big of pussies they were by ending it all in that library.

Oh, they were picked on. Yeah, you know what? SO WAS I. It happens. I was miserable, scared. Scared when people called my house with death threats and scared when large groups of girls would surround me after lunch.

But I didn’t go and kill a bunch of people, especially people who didn’t exactly seem like the bully type.

This has nothing to do with Sarcasam. Even though it’s a very moving photo, it almost makes those two …

I wonder if he grades on a CURVE??

Thursday, February 26th, 2004

Teacher gives student a photo of his crotch.

Yeah, maybe it’s good I dont have cable anymore…

Thursday, February 26th, 2004

Conversation held by me and another person, though I’m only telling you the fun parts I said. He just kinda sat there.

“Have fun, build me a snowman or a snowwoman or a snow hermaphrodite.”
he looks at me.
“Build me a snow hermaphrodite. they’re all over the news.”
he says its in time magazine.
“Yeah I know, hermaphrodites are all the rage. Maybe i shouldn’t say that or i’m going to have a hermaphrodite baby. But I’ll raise it to be proud of its genderless self.”

I take no shit, especially when you smell like shit

Thursday, February 26th, 2004

So gimplicker comes up to me and starts talking about these “A1 stories that blah blah blah.” For those of you who don’t spend your life putting together a newspaper that’s probably most often used to line a birdcage, that means top story, page 1.

He starts going on and on about how we have to contribute. I turn my head in his general direction (I can’t stand to actually look at the MFer now) and I’m like “What in the heck are you talking about?”

“Oh, um, the stories that we all have to do now on page 1 that are local. We have to do these in advance blah blah.”

Okay, fucker. Thanks for telling me about this IN ADVANCE.

So he …

Some celebration and some sarcasam, served up with fries

Thursday, February 26th, 2004

Holy crap, I’ve hit 1,000 comments! And it looks like the award for the 1,000 comment goes over to James at Shots and Giggles. There’s your free plug. Enjoy it. :)

But anyway, that’s not why I’m blogging. I’m here to share the news of why journalism is so damn weird.

So yesterday, remember when I said the thing about Kelly Clarkson? Okay, well HER PR person called me up and said she’s available for interviews. I said “Well, this is very last minute, but you know, AI is big right now, so we’ll see what we can do.” So I call her back say “Yes, that’ll be fine.” and then she emails me with this:

Unfortunately Kelly is not going …

He must be the smartest man alive

Wednesday, February 25th, 2004

My boss, who I used to call Bossman but am considering changing his name to Yesman or Gimp Licker, just realized that there’s a change that one of the two or so Rabbis in this town will not be at the 130 showing of the passion movie in one of this city’s 20 or so theaters.

Really? I’m so shocked.

oh boy!

Wednesday, February 25th, 2004

first clay aiken, now kelly clarkson. why am i forced to keep doing american idol interviews? ugg…

Pregnancy stupidity must be in overdrive today

Wednesday, February 25th, 2004

Oh gosh. Now there’s a Preggo Message board post that Courtney Cox is due in July!! Oh boy!! How exciting?!?!?!?!?! (Gag me.)

First of all, even if she IS due in July, she’ll have the baby in June. WHY? Because she’s Hollywood and those people always have their babies early. It’s called the “Too posh to push” movement, meaning these women have c-sections in their 8th month so they don’t get too big. several of them also get tummy tucks during the procedure. Sick, but true.

Now they are all wondering if Gwynnie and Courtney are visiting the message boards. Sheesh. Yeah, it’s me. I’m GWYNETH! I should just go and change my screen name and pretend to be courtney cox …


Wednesday, February 25th, 2004

Why do people make such a big stink about things? First off, my husband was reading this recipe magazine yesterday and they have a little section each month called “Find Nan’s Knife” where a knife is hidden amongst the pages. As in, a picture of a knife.

Well someone wrote in and said how careless it was to put a knife there and what if A KID FOUND THE KNIFE? Um, well, then the kid is the winner because THE KNIFE IS A PICTURE.

But anyway…

Those Quiznos ads. I’ve discussed them before. Well now people are saying that the ads are repulsing and, get this, suggest unsanitary conditions in the kitchen.

Huh?? What? How in the sam hell is an ad …


Tuesday, February 24th, 2004

Since we don’t have cable anymore, I decided to look online to see what’s up on that Newlywed show.

These are the most biased write ups I have ever seen. Nick is a lucky man? Because he has a stupid wife with bad (hair) roots? He’s a cheapskate because he doesn’t like it that she bought him a $55k watch?


Let the grumbling proceed…

Tuesday, February 24th, 2004

Shock me, shock me, shock me with that deviant attitude!

Yet another Hollywood person (I now detest the word celebrity since there is nothing to celebrate) Nick Lachey, aka Mr. Jessica Simpson, has mulled running for the mayor of Cincinatti.

Hate her already

Tuesday, February 24th, 2004

You know what? This girl may be six and already a member of Mensa, but I bet she doesn’t have all those fun childhood memories like I do.

For example: She’s missing out on getting to lay naked from the waist down in an emergency room while a doctor picks gravel out of her ass because she had to ride her bike down a gravel road in a bathing suit. You see, she’d be too smart for that, therefore, making her miss out on some great scars AND always having her mother say “Honey, pull down your pants and show grandpa where you have that huge scar.”

Those are the things childhood is made of.

My little political rant

Tuesday, February 24th, 2004

Our country is going to hell in a handbasket and politicans are the basketweavers.

This is starting to make me feel that there is no one to vote for in this election. Our President can not go and make a constitutional amendment against gay marriage. He just can’t. For those of you who haven’t taken US History since 11th grade, here are a few constitutional amendments:

Freedom of religion
powers of the states
no slavery
right to vote

Okay, let’s also just put in “taking civil liberties away” while we’re at it. I WILL NOT vote for John Kerry. I think he’s a complete moron. I don’t care if you think he’s the best thing since White Bread. If you do, go post it …

Isn’t it ironic, dont you think?

Tuesday, February 24th, 2004

Tomorrow, my paper is making me jump on the bandwagon and see “The Passion of Christ.” Oh boy, I’m excited. The hubs says its in subtitles in some places. GREEEAAATTTT. At least I’ll get paid to sit and watch a Jesus movie instead of listening to Fumblenuts use Jesus’ name in a way that I don’t think God had planned.

Two of my coworkers saw it yesterday and hated it. One was the cussing religion lady. She said it was the most violent movie she has ever seen. Has she seen “Kill Bill?” I saw that and it was pretty violent. I can’t imagine the story of Our Lord and Savior being more violent than Lucy Liu getting her head chopped …

Pool follies

Tuesday, February 24th, 2004

There’s nothing like a lesson in body confidence than walking into a YMCA dressing room. Now, before I begin, I know that there are naked people in many gym dressing rooms, but the people who go to the Y are different. It’s family oriented…you know, soccer, swim practice? This place just reeks of good wholesome family nudity.

Well, at our YMCA, you have to go through the showers to get to the pool. Last night, I got a nice clear look of some foreign bush. And armpit hair. And boobs. Even when I was trying to avoid it, this woman’s hairy body just seemed to be EVERYWHERE. I didn’t think Asians were that hairy, but man, this woman’s armpits made my …

Random slut fun

Tuesday, February 24th, 2004

Glad I’m not her (or her parents.) “Exes don’t count.” Riggght.

Roger that, Roger.

Monday, February 23rd, 2004

Now, for a reprieve from all of the juvenile drama, I will tell you about my next project. My husband has repeatedly told me I need to write a book about my life. Not because I’m so special or famous or even because I’ve led a very interesting life.

It’s just that, well, if you think I’m bad now, you shoulda seen me as a kid. So, here are a few of my chapters with preliminary titles. I’m not going to tell you what they are about, but well, you should get the idea.

1. A girl and her reincarnated dog.
2. Wreaking havoc in a small town.
3. My father, who works in a fun(eral) home.
4. The mother of the year story …

Am I really blogging about this?

Monday, February 23rd, 2004

Oh no. I’ve been Bitch Slapped. WHAT WILL I DO?

I got bitch slapped because I said that somehow they found my husbands blog when actually he linked to them. Know what? I’m a horrible journalist. For the love of all things good, please someone, come take me away from this job.

Okay, whatever. It’s all in good fun, but come on dude, you like HIS site better? Sorry hubs, but your site appeals to the lowest common denomator. You know, ball licking and eating your meat? Well, I take a step above that and use actual phrases to describe my feelings.

But anyway, this isn’t a popularity contest. We’re two different people with two very different websites. You can like …

How to make the work day better

Monday, February 23rd, 2004

If you read my stories at the paper on a pretty regular basis, you might find that I like to stick little things in there to piss off my superiors.

My paper is….how shall we say it….ultra conservative? So, of course, it only makes sense for me to write about online dating and to do two things I know will drive them up the wall: Feature a lesbian looking for women and talk about a site where you find sex partners by describing the type of sex you want to have.

Sometimes, I write about gay marching bands (which never got published…gee I wonder why.) Once, I even wrote a story about this gay men’s group that gave teddy bears to sick …

Don’t mess with my baby

Monday, February 23rd, 2004

So as you know, my husband has a blog. He also wrote about the KKK rally this weekend, as we went together.

Well, somehow, this one blog web site got ahold of my hubs’ blog and thought he was a KKK hood wearing racist.

Yeah, okay. He was MAKING fun of the site. You can to here to read what they are saying about him.

Of course, my protective instincts go up and I feel like defending him. Then I remember that my blog has this big huge rant about black history month. Yeah, nobody will even touch that topic with a ten foot pole, that’s why there are no comments. People are too scared to say …

Some people don’t get hints

Monday, February 23rd, 2004

Ahh, let’s stop and go over the rules of work-related speaking etiquette, shall we?

Say someone, who happens to be a REPORTER, is sitting at her desk. She has Microsoft Word open and has headphones on. She is also typing something.

Do you:
A. Think “gee, she’s busy. I better leave her alone"?
B. Go over and bother her ass anyway, even though she has taken to ignorning you as of recent?

Why does this one guy insist on choosing B? I have my headphones on. Now, I may not be listening to anything (which I wasn’t, it was just a tatic to ignore this guy) but as a reporter, if I have the headphones on, it means that I’m trying to do work. If …

I tell it like it is.

Monday, February 23rd, 2004

I am happy that February is almost over. Why? Well, it could be that the cold weather will soon leave us, or that I’m almost a month closer to that glorious day where my vagina will open up to the size of a porthole and a watermelon sized child will push and slide it’s way into my world.

But it’s not that. I’m glad beause Black History Month is almost over.

Yeah, you heard me right. Pick up your phones and start texting hate messages to me or whatever because this is about to get real.

Why the hell do we need an entire month to celebrate black people? “Aww, look. Your skin is darker than mine! Here’s a month to celebrate you! …

Back to our regularly scheduled programming….

Monday, February 23rd, 2004

Well, Ellie had a big weekend this weekend. (For those of you not in the know, Ellie is our Fetus, aka a baby and she’s now the size of a banana. I had one on my cereal this morning, too.)

Well, first off, I grumbled around Saturday morning because that’s what SJ does. Then we went to taco bell and I completely forgot about all my worries because I had a Baja Chicken Chalupa! No worries! Then we drove over to the state capital (or is it capitol?) aka Capital City for you Simpsons Fans for some good ol’ KKK/Nazi rally fun.

It was so weird. There were these Nazis and KKK members and they were all around the capital and …

The road goes on forever and the party never ends…

Friday, February 20th, 2004

There’s one thing you can always expect if you come to this site. I will always be honest. I’m not the type of person to try and make myself look better, or to make things in my life seem so wonderful and happy and peppy and full of kitties.

Before I go on with what I’m about to talk about, I am reminded of another friend. This time, last year, a friend of mine was pregnant with what ultimately became a son. She’s in the same boat as me exactly. Away from home, having a baby in July, totally unexpected. However, I always read her baby site online and thought that she was just so happy and sappy and wonderful.

Only recently, …

Nothing to see, keep moving.

Friday, February 20th, 2004

Note to husband: Wow, thanks for checking your email. I so really appreciate it.

Always there for a good time

Friday, February 20th, 2004

It’s always fun to interview a friend for the paper. By email. i really enjoy the answers I get, especially when they are half serious, half how he normally talks.

Por ejemplo:

“Still, dating is tough and there are many things that can (and have)gone wrong through nobody’s fault. I am going to be moving again in the next few weeks but will definitely try it again when I get to my next location. ( I will probably join a more adult-oriented site next time that focuses more on quick hook-ups with complete strangers. is supposed to be good.)

Stupid (city name deleted) bitches can suck my nuts. Frickin spoiled princesses driving around in Daddy’s …

Okay, probably won’t hit send. Not now anyway.

Thursday, February 19th, 2004

Yup, probably going to get me banned.

Their letter:

Dear iVillager,

We are writing to let you know that we have removed one of your posts (copy below) from the above-referenced message board. This is a gentle reminder of our Terms Of Service rather than an official warning. We ask that you report and ignore any thread that you feel is offensive. Please remember that future posts of this type may lead to official warnings and possible revocation of your membership privileges.

We appreciate your cooperation in our efforts to protect our community areas.

**haven’t sent this reply yet. Wondering what the ramifications are if any from sending from work through a personal email account. More worried about them contacting my work since I …

Sj wreaks havic on message board, hilarity ensues

Thursday, February 19th, 2004

I am laughing my ass off right now. Why? Because one of my posts on the preggo boards got DELETED because, well, I guess I’m just too much for them.

Quick background: woman says she is scared of getting big. others agree. says they feel less sexy.

other woman gets on, tells these women they are the devil and that they shouldnt be married or having babies because they have eating disorders and issues and will ruin their children. (Gee, haven’t I heard THAT before?)

So, in steps SJ. I tell said idiot that there’s nothing wrong with worrying about getting fat. That if you say “I don’t mean to be rude or judgemental or whatever” then you are being rude and judgemental. …

Oh, let’s all pity Katie!

Thursday, February 19th, 2004

Well now it makes sense why Katie Couri has that ugly ass hairdo going on. She grew the bangs to um…. cover up the plastic surgery she’s about to get.

Seems as if HDTV and the million dollar woman’s wrinkles dont go well together….

Me likey

Thursday, February 19th, 2004

I want this for my diaper bag. Seriously. It’s so pretty.

yadda yadda yadda

Thursday, February 19th, 2004

My friend Shannon just sent me one of those dumb forwards. so I do it and it’s going to tell me my true personality. I’m supposed to write a word that corresponds to each animal. I think it’s a little off.

It says:
Me: smelly
Hubby: scary
Enemies: Little
sex: yummy
my life: fun

I’m not THAT scary!

I hear the increase started when Matt Lauer went there…

Thursday, February 19th, 2004

This is just too funny. Or weird or sad, depending on how you look at it. Since I’m trying to be Perky SJ, we’ll choose the funny route.

Officials in Botswana have reportedly urged people wanting to kill themselves to “use trees” and not trains.

“If people want to commit suicide, they should use trees, not our trains,” the country’s minister of works and transport Tebelo Seretse told a Gabarone newspaper, according to The Star in neighbouring South Africa.

“I am sick of these people who throw themselves in front of the trains. The drivers are people - why turn them into murderers?” she was quoted as saying.

Train drivers in the diamond-rich southern African country often faced having to remove human body parts …

Someone’s gotta case of the gimmees!

Thursday, February 19th, 2004

It must be hard to make $250K a week and be having a baby! I can only imagine how stressed one must feel making all the arrangements for said baby.

So I guess that’s why Debra Messing has a baby registry. With a $120 sleeping bag for a baby. And a $200 high chair. And $10 baby sunblock.

Oh, Debra, you’re telling me you can’t buy that for yourself? It must be soo hard to be so rich. I just don’t know HOW YOU DO IT!

You know what, I bet she’s spending all that money on food. Because she is possibly the ugliest pregnant Hollywood person out there. I’ve thought that for awhile. Usually I see a Hollywood pregnant …

Indecent exposure or just too much media exposure?

Thursday, February 19th, 2004

It’s always exciting when your high school makes the news. Especially when it’s about a teacher letting students draw another student in his boxer shorts.

There are more links for the story here.

Really, I don’t see what the big deal is. Come on, by the time these kids are junior and senior art students (most who go on to art school, by the way) they’ve seen a guy in boxers. If not in real person, well then on TV or in a magazine or on the internet. These kids aren’t stupid.

Heck, this same art department turned out my good friend Curly Girl and she’s okay.

Paging docotor nopants

Thursday, February 19th, 2004

I’m going to admit it. I was one of those girls. The same girls I see now and go “Geesh, don’t you know to put some clothes on?”

So I went to the mall yesterday to um, look for stories. For our style page. Somehow that involved me trying on clothes (where I also learned that if I buy pants in a larger size, they still fit! And look normal!) But these clothes out there are so um….revealing. The skirts would seriously show some major ass cheek if worn alone.

Now I was no clothes prude in high school. Or middle school. I was the girl known for having shorts where the pockets were actually LONGER than the shorts themselves. And I …

I don’t know why I ask opinions because it seems nobody ever answers…

Wednesday, February 18th, 2004

So the hubs’ job interview seemed to go well. The only thing? Well, it turns out that it MIGHT be a 5-6 month long job. It’s one of those scientific “It turns permanent if we get funding” things. I hate those, but he tends to keep getting those types of jobs.

We dont know yet if he has the job but I bet he might get it. Now, we’re agonizing over whether or not we should move for a temporary job. It’s like, okay, we’re going to leave our jobs that make us about 60k a year to move across the country, but back HOME, to a job that might only be temporary.

We’d have to rent our house. Move. It’s all …

Still retarded…

Wednesday, February 18th, 2004

I’m just wondering how many times you can use the “I was out last week with sick kids” excuse before you become a complete and total moron?

Oh wait, what if you are already a complete and total moron to begin with?

Okay, whatever.

Wednesday, February 18th, 2004

I always read about the people being executed going peacefully. It’s nice that someone finally went on an obscenity laced tirade because it makes it that much easier to not feel sorry for him.

My personal favorite part of his tirade?

“From God’s dust I came and to dust I will return so the Earth shall become my throne. I gotta go, Road Dog.”

Yes, Road Dog. The Earth will become your throne…sure….

Listerine, perhaps?

Wednesday, February 18th, 2004

Yeah, that’s kind of how I feel about him, too. Except I wouldn’t let those teeth get anywhere near my face. They might gnaw off my nose or something.

No really, it’s okay.

Tuesday, February 17th, 2004

It seems like everyone in the Bloggy Sphere is having babies. Heck, the majority of blogs I read are people who are pregnant or just popped out that little furry bundle of joy.

Now, I understand that this makes Some peoples Uteruses ache.

Well, I’m here to remind you of the joys of pregnancy. Lets remember that I’m only halfway there (TOMORROW!) so I may not know them all right now. So, feel free to add your own for me to help scare the beejeezus out of me for the future few months.

1. I now have darker nipples. This does not make me happy. In fact, I’ve always prided myself on my skin-colored nipples. Now they are about the size …

The joys of pregnancy

Tuesday, February 17th, 2004

Actual phone conversation with the hubs earlier. (Random tidbits in no particular order.):

ME: There’s only room for one snarky, sleepy person in this house and that’s ME!

HIM: It seems like I’m the only one with things to do because you keep calling me.

ME: Now go to the store and buy me some M-N-Ms.

I usually also tell him to “Shut up, woman” or “Make me dinner, woman” but I forgot to. Ahh, i’ll just be nice. He’s trying to move me back to Tejas.

Thanks HGTV, you’re the best!

Tuesday, February 17th, 2004

This could be the most retarded “How to plan a party” thing I have ever seen.

Okay, I’m going to stuff a $1 bill or a fortune into a balloon and tell people to bring a balloon home and bust it? Or make a pinata out of a brown shopping bag and have people beat it with an empty wrapping paper roll? Or shred up newspaper for “fun confetti?” Make sure to keep a box full of streamers and party hats, because nothing signals a party I want to go to like crappy metalic shit hanging from the walls.


Tuesday, February 17th, 2004

My child will not be allowed to play with those nasty Bratz dolls.

Basically, um. Yeah

Indeed, fresh from her break-up with Ken, Barbie will soon be sporting more fashionable clothes, such as insulated Ugg boots, the must-have winter item for real life fashionistas and stars such as Cameron Diaz. Mattel is also unveiling a new Barbie with ears that girls can pierce up to three times.

�Barbie�s had a head-to-toe makeover,” said Julia Jensen, a vice president in Mattel’s girls’ division. “She�ll be wearing clothes that girls are really wearing, new footwear, new coats.”

We all know how 8-year-olds wear Ugg boots and dress like cameron diaz. Okkkaaay.

Meanwhile, the Bratz pack, who have names like Yasmin and …

Could it be?

Tuesday, February 17th, 2004

You know, if my cooter weren’t already leaking some weird pregnancy induced fluid that makes me feel like I’m wetting myself, I might just piss my pants from sheer excitement!

My hubby, aka The Smartest Man in the Universe, has a phone interview tonight. Another company called this morning and was interested in him. And get this: They are both in Texas. In parts of Texas that we deem approperiate (San Antonio and Houston).

This just is so exciting. It gives me some hope that maybe this whole moving home thingie can actually happen.****

The funny thing is, I’m really not very good at describing what he does. Perhaps, it’s because I really don’t understand. All I know is that …


Monday, February 16th, 2004

How about we start a new project? Send all your chocolate to ME!! Except for chocolate with nuts, you can keep that….

….oh the things I’d do for a pound bag of m’n'ms right now…..

I should feel bad, but I don’t.

Monday, February 16th, 2004

So bossman finally had the cajones to show up again today. I was kinda enjoying our little vacation from him last week but unfortunately, it had to end.

I think he might have gotten his “talking to” already. He’s walking around like a lost little puppy dog. Remember, this guy is an EDITOR of a daily newspaper and always has “So much to do.” He can’t even be bothered to go to his desk today because he’s just walking around aimlessly.

Yeah, you have nothing to do after not showing up last week (except to infest us with your sick kid) and you dumped all your work on all of us. Then you send us this weak “thanks for helping out” …

Aye aye captain smartypants

Monday, February 16th, 2004

I have a feeling that if I were in the military (ha, there’s a funny one right there) that I might have a list that looks a lot like this one.

Attention High School Females

Monday, February 16th, 2004

Are you a decently attractive HS Senior trying to decide where to go to college? Try Indiana, I hear the girls there are so ugly that you’ll probably have no problemos getting dates!

Snot nosed bitches!

Monday, February 16th, 2004

I’ve heard rumors about the writers of the Nanny Diaries being horrible writers and huge bitches but this article really hit the point.

These chicks are WAAAYYY too into themselves and it’s people like THEM who make it impossible for someone like ME to get a damn publishing deal. Fuck, I can’t even get an agent.

They demand hairstylists for public appearances: Me? Hell, my husband cuts my hair in our bathtub with a tiny pair of scissors.

They refuse to write for the NY Times: Um, I think I’ve actually approached them once for a story idea. Yeah, Never Heard Back.

They don’t like what people tell them to do to their stories or op-ed pieces: I work for a bunch …


Sunday, February 15th, 2004

I’m doing this. You should, too.

A present!

Friday, February 13th, 2004

So, as a Valentines Day present (or friendly reminder) that I’ll probably regret….

(Not suitable for work, or for viewing in front of small children, teenagers or horny guys)

When you feel like getting silly, wear a rubber on your willie.

Guys: Double bag that shiznit.
Gals: Birth control is your friend.

Visited states…yeah, I’m bored

Friday, February 13th, 2004

create your own visited states map
or write about it on the open travel guide

Umm…maybe I should head north more often?

V stands for Vagina?

Friday, February 13th, 2004

Why I will tell my daughter that Valentines Day is complete shit.

It is so stupid. It’s a Hallmark holiday where guys feel pressure to give gifts and girls feel that if they don’t have a date or some flowers, then they are worthless. One of my dear friends was recently told by HER OTHER friends that if the guy she is dating doesnt take her out on the Hallmark Holiday, she should dump him.

Just read the best part of the article:

But it’s just not as much fun at the front door, says 16-year-old Priscilla Clousell.

“The exciting part about getting flowers and balloons is having someone there to see it,” said Clousell. “It’s a competition.”

Last year, Clousell wound up …


Friday, February 13th, 2004

So adorable. Where do I send the wedding gift?

Why boys are weird

Friday, February 13th, 2004

Men are a very weird species. Even though I already KNEW that, it has come to be so much more true since marrying my husband.

This guy has the ability to go #2 at the drop of a hat. So yesterday, while we�re getting ready to go workout, he has to go lay some cable. As usual. After he is finished, he comes out and starts talking about it. �Man, it was just like soft serve coming out.� Yeah that�s a nice mental picture, honey. Wonderful. Then he tells me not to go into the bathroom for 2 hours and how it was such a vile poop.

Then, for some reason unbeknownst to me, he wants me to go AND SMELL IT. …

Um, thanks?

Friday, February 13th, 2004

After 24 years, my grandfather still does not know how to spell my (very common) name.

You know how to turn me on, Georgie

Thursday, February 12th, 2004

You know you want to look….

….details of President Bush’s big honking…..


Something good comes out of CA!

Thursday, February 12th, 2004

I’m moving to San Fran! They’re marrying old gay people!

It’s about darn time! Or, as my husband so aptly put it:

why, in the “land of the free” can two people who love each other not get married? give me one good reason and i’ll poke out my eyes with my junk. if your reason is stupid, and i guarantee that it will be, then i require you give a bj to one of your own turds.

Letter to my unborn child

Thursday, February 12th, 2004

Dear Ellie (unless you are a boy. Then it’s Dear Finn)

I am your Mother, also known as the walking uterus you have grown to know and possibly, love. There will be a lot of things you learn about me once you are born, such as I’m only 24 and lead a rock and roll lifestyle without all the rock and roll.

There is this guy, who you probably hear me affectionately refer to as “Bonehead” who is your Father. I never use his real name, and he does the same to me. You will eventually learn that not all children’s daddies are called “Bonehead” or “Bonejones.” Some of them are actually called “Daddy” or even worse, “Father.” When your father thumps …

All by myself

Thursday, February 12th, 2004

(Taps mic) “Hello, is this thing on?”

Good grief, I feel like I’ve been blacklisted or something.


Thursday, February 12th, 2004

It was bound to happen. Barbie and Ken are in splitsville after 43 years! What about Skipper???

But the question really is, who is the father of all those Barbie babies that pregnant barbie has?

Sex, drugs and the presidency

Thursday, February 12th, 2004

How does he do it? John Kerry is not an attractive man. In fact, I’m scared he might win president so I’d have to look at his ugly ass face on TV for the next 4 years.

So now Drudge is saying that a big John Kerry infidelity scandal is about to happen. This guy (Drudge) is the one who broke the Clinton/Lewinsky story.

Finally! A reason to pay attention to this whole Presidential race mumbo jumbo!

Any coupon works!

Thursday, February 12th, 2004

Okay, so Quiznos has this commericial where a retarded gerbil tells you that you can bring in any coupon and get $1.00 off a sub. Any coupon. Say it’s for toilet paper or a car wash or your local taxidermist.

You know those “love coupons” they have that are popular around V-day? Like ‘Good for one free spanking” or “I owe you one totally spectacular BJ?”

I want to find one of those and bring it in to Quiznos and get my $1 off. You think they’d let me do that?

I’m melting! I’m melting!

Thursday, February 12th, 2004

I live in a part of the country that sees snow several times during the winter months. Now, it’s nothing like the snow people in Minnesota or Maine or whatever M-state you might live in, but, heck, we all know what the white stuff looks like. Texas this place isn’t.

So, of course, we hear the rumors that a “Big winter snow storm” is coming in. People freak. They go and run the grocery store, buying all the eggs, meat, milk and bread they can. Why? What if the power goes out? How the heck are they going to cook the eggs and meat?

Okay, so they tell us that the snow will start at night. I wake up twice during the …

When you get to this point, what do you do?

Thursday, February 12th, 2004

Seriously, someone. Please, for the love of God get me out of here. So yesterday, there was a big “Misscommunication” between me, bossman and Metro editor. I thought a story was due friday, it was due tuesday. everyone got mad at me, though I had been confused because Bossman is an idiot and metro editor didn’t feel the need to say “Hey, what the heck is going on?”

Basically, what is happening is that when people have problems, they don’t come to me. They let it fester into something really big and then I get it in the ass.

So, I was mad yesterday and made a comment to Book Hoarder that “I just really don’t care right now. I’ve tried, …

Yup, still sucks.

Thursday, February 12th, 2004

Oh, how would we guess that idiot bossman is out SICK today? Um, thanks asshole, for bringing both yours and your diseased kid’s asses in yesterday from 9-3.

Now that’s comedy!

Wednesday, February 11th, 2004

I can’t belive I’m watching “The Bachelorette.” That’s just the sad thing that not having cable to do to you.

Okay, so Meredith went to this guy’s house in Buffalo. Well, it turns out that his family is a BIG FAN of The Bachelor. They watched Meredith (aka, gap tooth) on the previous bachelor. I guess that would be the one with dorky bob. I dont watch the show. But anyway, I digress.

So his family watched HER MAKE OUT with fatass, er, I mean Bob, and now they are “So happy that it’s HER on the bachelorette!” They “Love” Meredith and they want her to marry their kid. They talk about how big fans they are of her. In front of …

My Baby’s Daddy brings me to Sonic for Valentines Day :)

Wednesday, February 11th, 2004

Okay. Mr. SJ, aka The Hubs, has finally gotten into this whole blog thing….I’m going to let you see what he writes….but….be warned….um, he writes in a very crude, crass interesting way.

Here he is. Though I tell him that’s not how he NORMALLY speaks, he says that I’m just used the the “nancyfied” way of him. But yes, this is a version of how he is in front of his friends.

But, lets all just remember him as the loveable father of my child.

Friends, romans, countrymen…lend me your ears!

Wednesday, February 11th, 2004

Okay, really, seriously people. I need your help. I need your links or for you to tell people to come over here and help with this problemo I have.

Okay, as I said in the lower post, my boss keeps on bringing in his sick kids. This is not a once a year thingie. He has 4 kids. Four VERY SICK kids who are always contracting whatever disease is floating around the playground. He always brings them in.

Well, Book Hoarder (my coworker) and I both think it sucks. She says that we should “talk” to him about this. We know that’s a bunch of crap. He’s a big pussy, too scared to do anything. A Yes-man. The yes-man who got me …

Are you serious?

Wednesday, February 11th, 2004

Open letter to my boss:

So your child has been sick for THREE DAYS. Sick enough that you have to stay home with him. So if he is that sick, why in the sam hell would you bring him to work AND LET HIM SIT IN YOUR CUBICLE? You sit next to me, a pregnant chick who obviously has enough problemos to deal with without getting sick.

You must have shit for brains in order to even THINK about doing this. You tell US not to come to work sick, yet you bring in your snot nosed children (who I CAN SMELL) and expect us to be quiet about it.

The Sarcastic Journalist

I don’t care what they think

Wednesday, February 11th, 2004

I know it’s a hippy tradition to say “The US is so out of of the loop and barbaric because they put people to death.”

You know what I say to them? Screw you. Good grief, don’t we have ENOUGH people without dealing with crazy lunatics who should NEVER be allowed back into society?

So this guy is about to be executed in my Wonderful Home State, Texas. He’s fighting the Constitutionality of execution by lethal injection.

This guy is fighting the Constitutionality? Hello, what about the rights of the people you killed??? You killed your ex-girlfriend’s 10-year-old daughter. Who was 17 weeks pregnant WITH YOUR CHILD. With a shotgun blast to the head. While she was trying to protect her …

In over her head

Tuesday, February 10th, 2004

Like I need anything else to control my time. I think I want yet ANOTHER blog. I’d keep this one and post as usual, but I just want a blog with a different feel. I’m envious of the blog over at Dooce. Maybe that’s why I keep refereincing it so much. The blog would be different than this one. It would have one long daily entry instead of my multitudes of snippets on here. I need to learn HTML first though to make it kick ass AND I’m trying to think of a cool domain name. So far, I’m hitting a brick wall with both.

Any help? Ideas? Tips?

Cleanup in Stall 2, Irv

Tuesday, February 10th, 2004

There’s nothing quite like tossing your cookies at work and having it get all over your clothes.

So true.So true.

Tuesday, February 10th, 2004

I appreciate this little list, even though I have not experienced all 10 yet.

My personal favorite?
4. People asking how “the baby” is

The answer is that I have no idea: I don’t wear x-ray specs and I don’t have an ultrasound scanner on my desk. For all I know, it could be dead or mutating into a space turtle, or both. But thank you for asking.

Totally off subject

Tuesday, February 10th, 2004

Okay, this story isn’t very well-written, but it is about a friend of mine. To give a little background, my friend Rochelle (aka Roch or Rochy) hasn’t exactly had an easy time in college. We lived in the same dorm, 2 doors down from each other, my sophomore year of college.

During the spring semester, her boyfriend fell to his death from an apartment balcony. Basically, for some (most likely alcohol induced) reason, he decided to try and climb up an icy apartment balcony.

Later that semester, she felt the need to climb into a tree that was the equivilent of 3 stories tall. She fell out of said tree, but lived. In the process, she managed to break several bones and …

The pitter patter of little steps?

Tuesday, February 10th, 2004

Two “big time” bloggers both had babies on 2/3/04. Almost at the same time, too (though they are in different time zones.)

What’s even crazier is that both Dooce and Robyn posted pictures of their babies’ feet!

How cute! I want baby feet! I want to play with those little toes!

**Stops, scratches ass.** Oh my gosh. What’s happening to me? I have always LOVED AND ADORED babies but now I’m going gaga over those little wrinkly feet.

Pregnancy sucks rant #5,490

Tuesday, February 10th, 2004

There�s so much about pregnancy that those books leave out. Seriously. I mean, even the �bad� ones really don�t make it seem like how it�s going to be in real life.

I�m totally scared of my boobs now. They are freaking HUGE. I mean, they don�t look bad in clothes, but once they are unleashed, it�s like holy moses, watch out! They are still itching, which I know means they are going to grow even more.

What pisses me off is how all those books make it seem like everyone should be so happy with their ample bosoms. Well, yeah, maybe some. But what about those of us who felt that we had MORE THAN ENOUGH before we got knocked up? …

thin is in?

Monday, February 9th, 2004

My friend just called me one of those “cute skinny pregnant people.” ME?? I’m a cute skinny pregnant woman?

Okay, I’m not here saying I’m fat. It’s just that when you are barely 12 weeks pregnant and you can’t fit into your normal jeans anymore, you start to think that maybe you are That Pregnant Chick who is going to get big.

I know I’m not fat. Yes, I have a little more love handles now and I think my thighs have gotten bigger and my underwear now leave little red band marks on my stomach, but I’m not a porker. I just never considered myself One of Them. Those women.

Heck, I don’t crave “Good for you Food.” So far some …

If I weren’t so hungry, I’d throw my food

Monday, February 9th, 2004

Today’s fun message board question:

“How do I make my baby smarter in the womb?”

What I thought should be the answer: Honey, get the baby a smarter mother.

Everyone else is saying the tried and true cds, reading to the baby, blah blah… Did you know that if you poke your belly and the baby kicks back that you are making it smarter?? wow! how ingenious!

Oh yeah, eating fish and protein. Isn’t it crazy how we had all of these geniuses (Einstein, Mozart, etc) around before we knew about reading aloud and safe fish and Gymboree??

Rehashing of the drama explained

Monday, February 9th, 2004

Ahh, I think I might have confused people last week with my post titled something like “I’m moving to Africa or somewhere blah blah".

I’m very lucky with the fact that people who really “disagree” with me on here don’t feel the need to flame me. The person who I was writing about is not someone I know through the blog world, but someone I know in the Real World, which is what made me so mad that I wrote that entry.

I really don’t feel like rehashing the details on here (because it only makes me mad) but let’s just say that if you call yourself my Friend and then tell me my child belongs in foster care….well, don’t expect much …

The emails just keep coming today, kids.

Monday, February 9th, 2004

Thank you, Guy who is having a book signing and wanted to email me about it. So, I understand that your cihldren’s books are um, about grief.

But do you really need to share in your email (remember, this is a guy) that:
“My sister died two years ago from Toxic Shock Syndrome from a tampon.”

Have you ever heard of too much information???

Let’s start the week off right!

Monday, February 9th, 2004

Food for thought for my coworkers: Do not come to me every day and ask me “How little SJ is doing.” You know what? Things are NOT going to change that much every day. The baby is fine. She’s there. I’m here, so obviously leave me the hell alone.

Do not come and ask me this WHILE I’M OBVIOUSLY BUSY TYPING SOMETHING. I don’t care if it is an email. I’m in a train of thought here and I’d like to keep it going.

I know, I know. I seem like some heartless bitch. I’m not. What in the hell am I supposed to say to this guy? Yeah, I know he’s trying to be nice. But if I talk to him, …


Friday, February 6th, 2004

Stop what you’re doing. Think back to being 14. You weren’t completely stupid, were you???? You knew how things worked for the most part. You knew “good touches” and “Bad touches.” Heck, you were 2 years away from getting your drivers license (in most states) and probably stayed up past 10pm.

So why in the hell would these 14-year-olds let a member of the clergy play with their weiners?

This is just too much to be true. Check it out:
It began with a newspaper clipping about impotency, then a physical “inspection” of his genitals, a “diagnosis” that things were not right, then “treatment.”

Bendillo urged strict secrecy. He hinted to the boys, they said, that if word got out about …


Friday, February 6th, 2004

What the ****???? How in the heck can that whole stupid nipple thingie cause “outrage, anger, embarrassment and serious injury.”

I thought it was funny. Inapproperiate, but funny. The outrage I’m feeling is from the fact that people can’t get over it. So we saw her “boob.” Big whoop. It’s a freaking BOOB.

If a parent is unable to tell their child “She’s a grown-up and did something she wasn’t supposed to do and she is going to be punished” well then, you need to grow some balls. Acting all shocked and appaled at this is just telling children that women’s bodies are something to be ashamed of and that a boob is evil.

Yes, it was stupid of her. It …


Friday, February 6th, 2004

There’s nothing funny about this. That guy is a monster.

I think, if anything, this comfirms my belief that you should NEVER cooperate with someone in a situitation like this (well, maybe if they have a knife to your throat.) Cooperating with someone like this will just mean that they will find your body a few days later.

Do not read me. Just go to the next one.

Thursday, February 5th, 2004

Not to steal the thunder from my last entry, which I wanted to leave at the top for the rest of the day, but I had to say this: My doctor said I would never have a non-throwup day while pregnant.

Well, buster. I didn’t barf yesterday. Not even once. No gagging, either. So, either it is the smaller meals with no liquids consumed during mealtime, the B6/unisom combo the internet people swear by or the lack of milk in my diet….but it worked.

Now go read my other rant and forget about this.

That’s it. I’m moving to Africa or something where people don’t speak my language.

Thursday, February 5th, 2004

I swear I’m going to have to get a private journal soon. Okay, I’m taking a big risk right now with what I’m about to post, but you know what? This is MY OPINION and it is MY BLOG and I’m offended and feel the need to share.

First of all, I think that the majority of people who read my site have a decent grip on the type of person I am. I’m SARCASTIC. I make inapproperiate jokes and I even SAY WHAT I THINK. That’s why I like sites of other preggos/moms like Suburban bliss, Dooce and My Bitchy Pregnancy. Actually, there are more but I’m too lazy to type in the links. …

Always on top

Thursday, February 5th, 2004

In case you were wondering, there are a great number of dead people that died from something, somwhere in China.

Ahh, if only I could work for a newspaper that let me report things that way.

Ahh, if I were only 7 again…

Thursday, February 5th, 2004

Hey you mothafucka, you’re going straight to Hell for swearing to God. Now sit your biznitchy little ass down and shut the hell up.

He who smelt it dealt it

Thursday, February 5th, 2004

Apparently, the hubs does not believe me when I say that his fart fumes are deadly.

If he keeps this up, I’m going to have hydrogen sulphide poisoning, too.

Chocolate starfish, part dos.

Wednesday, February 4th, 2004

You know it’s bad with Rob Schneider makes fun of you.

Coinjoined twin days….

Wednesday, February 4th, 2004

Oh my gosh. This is soo southpark.

Okay, just go and read the story.

What do they do with the extra head when they are finished with it? Do the parents wash and brush the head’s hair? Do they call the head by a name????

How fun!

Wednesday, February 4th, 2004

I had an interview with a guy today who looked just like….

Stuart Smalley with brown hair. No, not Al Franken (who is an idiot.) Except this guy was the cross between Stuart Smalley, Rainman and Stephen Hawkins when he spoke.

My favorite part of the interview would have to be when he crouched down on the floor. so I had to follow him. And my knees started to hurt. Then I tried to sit down. And popped my hip (it likes to do that.) And then like 1 minute later, he jumps up and runs across the room.

Listening to this interview on tape is like driving blunt, rusty nails into my ears.

Is this all just a joke?

Wednesday, February 4th, 2004

I’m not dead. I’m not sitting here, hooked up to a bunch of machines that would take all of this away. I’m not that lucky.

Instead, I’m at work, trying NOT to throw up. The doctor basically said “Sucks to be you. Have a nice nine months.” Said he can’t do anything about it. I cried. That didn’t help. He said “You need to find what triggers this and avoid it.”

Like breathing and eating?????

It’s bad enough to have to feel bad. It’s even worse to have to do it every day at work.

I’m trying to eat only a little bit at a time. Like, one piece of toast for breakfast. No milk. Milk seems to be one of the enemies. …

Exciting news!

Monday, February 2nd, 2004

My hands are small I know, but they’re not yours, they are my own. But, they’re not yours, they are my own and I am never broken.”

We’re having a girl. :) I am so happy.

So, 5 zillion muslims walk into a bar….

Monday, February 2nd, 2004

(Pretending to be Muslim)

Internal voice Gee, I think I want to go and stone Satan this weekend.
Other internal voice Don’t people die there every year due to pure stupidity of a large sort?

Internal Voice Why, that was only in 1994, 98, 2001 and 2003. I’m sure it’s NOT going to happen this year.



Monday, February 2nd, 2004

Warning, boobie picture below. Probably not saf for work or for little children’s eyes.

Just like a big ol Hershey’s Kiss. Now I don’t feel so bad about my nips getting darker, except mine are um, about 100 shades lighter than that.

My Flickr photos.