Archive for January, 2004

What a guy!

Friday, January 30th, 2004

Parents, don’t be embarrassed if everyone calls your son a wussy boy. He may just jump into an alligator filled pond and save someone’s life just minutes later. :)

Or is that seven years??

Friday, January 30th, 2004

Seems like idiotic Vietnamese children are eating money.

The coins were re-introduced in December after a 2-decade absence. They will be re-re-introduced in 24-48 hours, in the form of poo.

You won’t miss me after this one!

Friday, January 30th, 2004

I love days where I’m too busy to blog.

Meant to wake up at 8:15 this morning, but that turned into 8:40. Ate my little grits and milk breakfast, high-tailed it to work. Got here and thought about an interview I had to leave for in 30 minutes.

Realized I forgot to write down any questions. Start brain storming while listening to the rambling messages left by PR people on my voice mail. Delete mesages. Write down question. Toss question. It sucks.

Go toss my cookies. Turns out the Fetus still doesn’t like breakfast. Suck it up like a Woman, and finish writing said questions. Think about how crappy said questions are. Leave an hour early to get to the interview. Stop by …

A very special day, indeed.

Friday, January 30th, 2004

Tomorrow is a very special day. 25 years ago, my bestest friend in the whole wide world was born in Tulsa, OK. And, 21 years after that, I was lucky enough to get to find him.

“You’re more than a lover. There could never be another. To make me feel the way you do. Oh, we just get closer, I fall in love all over, every time I look at you. I don’t know where I’d be, without you here with me, Life with you makes perfect sense. You’re my best friend.”


Home….on the range….

Thursday, January 29th, 2004

I have to tell you a secret.

We want to go back to Houston. We’re trying to figure out how to do so as I type. The husband found a job he likes in the town we want to live in. It’s a job he is very well suited for.

However, there are many things up in the air. I learned today that I might be able to change insurance without the pregnancy being considered a pre-existing condition. That just makes the move seem more real. More imminent. Like it REALLY could happen.

The only problem is, well, besides getting back HOME, it would be a big step down for us. We wouldn’t be able to get a house again. We just …

Bad baby

Thursday, January 29th, 2004

I once threatened to poke a crying baby on a long flight. I never even thought about dousing it with water.

I don’t care if the rest of the plane thought he did something bad. You know they thought it was pretty funny when he did it.


Thursday, January 29th, 2004

And now, my friends, another reason why I don’t eat seafood.

Parenthood looms

Wednesday, January 28th, 2004

Someone told me to drink OJ the day of my ultrasound so the baby will be more energized or something. Heck, I’ve caffeinated this child so much that the only way it will feel more energized is if I do coke lines in the waiting room.

You know what? I really don’t feel that bad about it, either. In the pregnancy world, there are two types of people: Women who take all the “rules” to heart and the rest of us. I’m sure you know which group I’m in.

On the dreaded message board, it seems as if most women fall into that first group. Here are some honest questions on there:
“I heard you are not supposed to sleep on your …

I’m sticking up for her!

Wednesday, January 28th, 2004

Okay, so yesterday I saw the TV show “living it up with Ali and jack.” let me just first say, that show sucks. Those people seem like they are on a Regis parody show or something. Really. But anyway, Paula Abdul was on and seemed about as thrilled to be there as she would be getting a pap smear.

So, now the gossip columnists are all talking about said appearance. Even though she DID seemed a little drugged….I’m going to stick up for her.

Have you seen this show? IT SUCKS. Ali is annoying. Majorly. And what did they do during the interview? They kept on bringing audience members out to sing for her. Like, she’s supposed to give …

Brusha Brusha Brusha

Wednesday, January 28th, 2004

Yeah yeah, so these Brits are telling us how much it sucks to pay your own tuition. Dude, you are preaching to the choir here. I know already.

So we won’t go on about how whiny they are at the moment. Instead, I want to comment on the pictures:

They must not have enough money to spend on tea, because all of these Brits seem to have Really Nice Teeth. I dare to say it. American teeth. Usually when I think of our friends across the pond, I think of wonky noses and funky teeth. I know that’s not ALWAYS the case, but….come on….

When what we always see of your country is THIS:

What do you expect us …

the past is getting fuzzy

Tuesday, January 27th, 2004

I honestly don’t remember what life was like before I started throwing up so much. Though 17 weeks (tomorrow) is a long time, it would still seem like I could remember eating and not worrying about the consequences. I can barely remember what it feels like to eat normal things like a salad for dinner instead of macaroni and cheese or a chopped beef sandwich and a baked potato.

I don’t know why I’m complaining. I still have a long ways to go.

I knew there was something up!

Tuesday, January 27th, 2004

In honor of the Fetus, which has let me lean my head over the toilet a good 3 times by noon today, today is Officially Thomas Crapper Day.

Bulemics of the world, Unite.

Future politician?

Tuesday, January 27th, 2004

I’m So Tired of All This Shit. Seriously. Now I’m getting nice little emails from members of the teen page.

I have an article regarding a new emergency contraceptive as it relates to local teens ready for the page. Uhh, you never spoke with me about this. However, my emails and calls have been forsaken for some time. I respond to emails. Never recieved a call from you. Before sending this article, i would a) like to know when the next teen page meeting is, and b) recieve payment for my last article on music piracy that was published on January 12. Thank you for your response. Yeah, that’s getting you in good in my book. …

Ugg. Just Ugg.

Tuesday, January 27th, 2004

Okay, maybe I’m just sensitive when it comes to work. But I was supposed to get this workout routine for this guy I’m following the other day but The Gay Metro Editor told my source to send it directly to him. I figure, what the heck. Who cares?

But then today, I get said email he forwarded to me. Now, let me remind you, we’re supposed to be at work No Matter What.

So why in the sam hell is he writing this?

“Oh, please don’t do that. I doubt she’ll be in today.

Just send the workout routine and any other pertinent info to me at this e-mail.”

I find it a little rude.

See kids, you always need goals!

Monday, January 26th, 2004

Ahh, the Golden Years. Endless days doing whatever you want…playing checkers, visiting grandkids.. robbing banks.

Okay, I know this old (92 year old) guy committed a crime by robbing a bank. But it’s just so damn funny! I mean, he started robbing banks at age 80 because “he wanted revenge against banks for sending him into a financial crisis.”

Okay, when he committed said crime, he wasn’t armed but he told the teller to do what he said “Or she would get hurt.” How? by letting her smell his moth ball clothing?

So then he drives off in his Buick. They catch him 30 minutes later, but he’s only gone 20 miles!

Luckily, jail life will probably suit him fine. Early …

Driving in a winter wonderland!

Monday, January 26th, 2004

Ah, yes. A nice little winter storm came through yesterday and is still kicking us in the nuts today. But, of course, I have to go to work because I am Super Reporter. Woo freaking hoo.

But anyway. This weekend, I got a package in the mail from my Mom. It had a Halloween and Christmas outfit for The Fetus. Shirt and undies for me. And two dolls. You see, one of the dolls/toys was okay. It was Eeyore. It was the second one that scared the beejezus out of me. It reminded me of that clown from the movie Poltereist.

Okay, so yesterday, we caught our Evil Dopey doll outside, sneaking around my truck. It seems as if HE is …

The Christmas card from Hell

Friday, January 23rd, 2004

I’m feeling a little snarky today. I just saw a column about the etiquette of those mass-mailed Christmas “update” cards and felt like making my own real version of one. Except it’s not about me.

Dear Family and Friends,

2003 has been a pretty decent year for all of us. It all started when Dad got laid off at the company, due to some “questionable” purchases on his expense account. He has assured me, however that he did not pay for hookers or prostitutes on that trip to Nebraska last fall. After riding out the unemployment wave, he finally ended up with a job at McDonalds, but was fired for coming in drunk. He was, however, the best new employee for that …

Here we go, around and around again.

Friday, January 23rd, 2004

Ha, I knew something like this would happen.

Little Trevor is South African. He’s also white. He wanted to be voted for the African American award at his school. His friends nominated him. They got suspended.

Can you not be African American if you are white? Hello, he is FROM AFRICA. There’s a whole variety of skin colors out there. There is always such a double standard and I think it’s stupid.

Why not call it the “We want black kids to feel special” award? This reminds me of that episode on South Park where they had the conjoined twin award for the only person in town who was a conjoined twin…the nurse with the dead fetus on her head.

“Hi, …

Why I really don’t love my job…

Friday, January 23rd, 2004

There are some weird office politics going on in the Features Department, yo. I tell you, it’s creeping me out.

As you most likely know if you read this at all, Fumblenuts (the asst. editor) sucks. Nobody likes him, including Book Hoarder (my former boss, now just a co-worker, who is a plain out Bitch.)

However, Book Hoarder is mad at Bossman (aka, our main Features Editor) and thinks he does a sucky job. So, even though she talks mucho shit about Fumblenuts, she now kisses his ass and is rude to Bossman, who she used to be on good terms with. It’s now to the point where she talks shit about Bossman and continutes to talk shit about Fumblenuts when …

And this is surprising because….

Friday, January 23rd, 2004

I’m not sure whether to announce Halleujiah! (which I can’t spell) or just say “Come on, we’ve known it’s over for awhile now.”

Either way, I’m happy to report that the whole Bennifer whatever shiznit is over….

…But a funny story about that….

Last night, while enjoying our final few hours of cable before it got disconnected, I turn on CNN to hear some very sad music. I’m like “Woah, what’s up? Who died?”

The hubs, being the confused boy that he is, says…

“Oh, that Brad and Jen….”

I think Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are DEAD?

“Oh…that Ben and Jen broke up.” And then I find out the music is for some dead old dancer who nobody knows who …

I*D*I*O*T*S what does that spell? Message board!!

Thursday, January 22nd, 2004

According to my pregnancy message board, I am now the anti-Christ for having to work. This lady even accused me of living a lavish lifestyle and being selfish! I pulled out my trusty pen and just ripped her a new one.

Though I admit I’m not living in a cardboard box, I really don’t consider our lifestyle lavish. My biggest splurge is going out to eat for dinner. And I’m talking about us splitting a burrito or getting cheapo burgers or something. Yes, last night I had a steak. BUT I’M FREAKING PREGNANT. SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO GIVE IN. Some of these women are Nazis, I swear. She tried to imply that I care more about my job or my …

Poodle schmoodle

Thursday, January 22nd, 2004

Wasn’t a Labradoodle something like an Etch a Sketch??

Nice dirt mustache, man

Thursday, January 22nd, 2004

Somebody please give this photo a caption. Who does he think he is? Burt Reynolds?

The daily ramble

Thursday, January 22nd, 2004

I got to work late and haven’t found any funny news stories yet, so you just get my rambling for now. YEAH!

I had one of “those days” again yesterday, where the fetus is obviously mad at me and wants me to keep in no food. I’m not going to grumble about it, but I’ll tell you our new plan to combat that: It’s called the “Eat as many calories as possible so maybe a few will stay down” plan. So, last night I had a steak, baked potato, salad and then went to TCBY for a little after dinner snack. All except for the steak made a second appearance, but it was surely yum on the way down!

While at …

happy news!

Wednesday, January 21st, 2004

I just found out that (most likely) our wedding is going to be featured in the July/August issue of Bridal Guide magazine! How fun!

Does this make me a cool mom?

Wednesday, January 21st, 2004

I would be more than happy to let my middle-schooler go to a school where they had a gay-straight alliance. I’d be supportive if they wanted to join, too.

What nerve!

Wednesday, January 21st, 2004

Just who do these Hollywood types think they are?

While at the Sundance Film Festival, Ashton Kutchner (will he ever go away?) liked the Caddy he was loaned so much (with DVD/CD player, TIVO, internet and 3 TV screens) that Cadillac is giving him one for LA, too!

Christina Applegate’s (who looks horrible in that pic, by the way) reaction to getting a 40 inch flat screen tv? “I know, I’ll put it in my gym!”

And Paris Hilton liked the $100K mercedes loaned to her so much that she didn’t return it. They finally sent out search parties and the vehicle was finally repo’d.

And they complain about their horrible little lives? These people wouldn’t last one minute in the …

They believe me!!!

Wednesday, January 21st, 2004

Well, since it appears that I officially have hypermesis, aka “Excessive vomiting during pregnancy…. I decided to look up some information. This is esp. for my HUBS, who thinks my cravings are really weird.

“One of the most common experiences among women with HG is food aversions and cravings. It is likely due to several factors including your body chemistry and hormones. You will likely have intense and bizarre cravings and aversions that those around you will need to accept and support. It’s not something you can control if you try harder, and ignoring your preferences can greatly worsen your symptoms, especially during the early months. Cravings often appear for only a short time � maybe just a …

Time to put the smack down.

Wednesday, January 21st, 2004

Okay, I’m giving up on this DMV shiznit. We went back this morning. The line was REALLY REALLY long. As in over 100 people in it. We drove over twenty minutes to ANOTHER city (which is KNOWN NOT to be full of the “non-white/non hispanic” type.) ANOTHER FULL Line.

The problem is that there is a new law that Mexicans have until Feb. to get their license using their green card or something. I don’t understand exactly. All I know is that there were LESS THAN FIVE non hispanic people in each of those lines. I know that these nice little hispanic people want licenses. BUT HELLO. SO DO I. It’s just not fair.

I’m sorry, but we have a horrible …

Jaden, Jorge or James?

Tuesday, January 20th, 2004

You think you’re being really creative with your child-to-be’s name, don’t you? Well, honey. I’m working on a story about baby naming right now, and everyone is using the Same Damn Name. So, if you want a unique name…you better watch out. Androgenous names are in for boys. “Trendy” names for girls are going out. Classic names are coming back in.

VIA BABYCENTER 2003 (2002)
1. Jacob (Jacob)
2. Aidan (Michael)
3. Ethan (Matthew)
4. Matthew (Joshua)
5. Nicholas (Nicholas)
6. Joshua (Christopher)
7. Ryan (Joseph)
8. Michael (Ethan)
9. Zachary (Andrew)
10. Tyler (Daniel)

1. Emily (Emily)
2. Emma (Madison)
3. Madison (Hailey)
4. Hannah (Kaitlyn)
5. Hailey (Hannah)
6. Sarah (Sarah)
7. Kaitlyn (Brianna)
8. Isabella (Ashley)
9. Olivia (Alexis)
10. Abigail (Abigail)

1. aidan
2. jaden
3. caden
4. ethan
5. caleb
6. dylan
7. jacob
8. jordan
9. logan
10. hayden

1. madison
2. …

Big changes ahead…

Tuesday, January 20th, 2004

George Bush, 2000

George Bush, 2004

Rep, Dem or Indp….you have to admit that this man has had a rough Presidency. Just look at that hair color!

Presidential wonders…

Tuesday, January 20th, 2004

I’m going to share some random thoughts with you. Feel free to add your own.

Do people in states like Iowa ever feel used during primary time? I mean, it’s all about Iowa to the democrats until the election is over. then it’s onto New Hampshire. Iowa? Who cares about Iowa anymore? I think that if I lived in Iowa, I’d feel like a 2 cent hooker right about now.

What do you think is the best part of being president? I mean, all these people want to be the guy in charge. Personally, I’m voting on never having to wait in traffic and being able to get anything (esp. food) at any time I want. That would rock.

I bet people who …

I’m back and I’ll probably attack

Tuesday, January 20th, 2004

Ahh, sorry about the late start. I had to go get a blood test this morning. And those things are always fun because i’m neelde-phobic. I mean, seriously. I can’t look at the crease in someone else’s arm. Veins gross me out. I can’t look at the band aid from a blood draw or even LOOK at a needle.

Sad thing is, my Mom’s a nurse. I grew up around this crap. But, the blood draw went decently well. I’ve stopped getting it done in my hand, as I usually do. Now I’m a big girl who goes right for the arm crease.

It turns out, however, that I’m not gaining weight. I’m 16 weeks (4 months) tomorrow and I’ve gained 5 …

riding off into the sunset….

Thursday, January 15th, 2004

Okay, I won�t leave you high and dry. Here are a couple of places you can go for �news.� Gawker or Fark.

Blogs? Well, I recommend my real-life friend, Curly Girl who is sure to shock you. Or My host, Allison. Or James, who better come back from vacation soon or another preggo, Yvonne.

For real news?
USA TODAY Life section.
Fox News
NY Times
The Houston Chronicle.
E! Online.

I’ll probably be back around Tuesday. Miss me.

FYI: Mark your calendars!

Thursday, January 15th, 2004

This is a public service announcement from your friends at The Sarcastic Journalst:

Due to a recent influx of pregnancy hormones, a lack of vacation that doesn’t involve travelling anywhere, and a job that I would rather be outside washing cars then go to, I will be taking several days off.

To people at work, I will be coming down with a “mysterious” illness. To yous guys, my lazy ass is going to be at home not doing anything. That also goes for blogging. I’m not going to check any email, or read the news or send out query letters to people who will reject me.

I will, however, sleep in, go for a little walk or two, lay on the couch and …

Excuse me if I seem a little rude.

Thursday, January 15th, 2004

I just don’t feel like I can get my act together. I’ve been really apathetic at work, which isn’t unusual, but it seems like I feel more so now than I’m used to.

I know I have stuff to do here. Really, I do. I have people to call, stories to write, articles to send out to people who are begging for me to do so. But I just don’t care. I just wrote one three-sentence paragraph and I feel like I’ve done enough.

It’s not hard for me to write. In fact, it is downright easy. So easy that most people would hate me if they knew how quickly I could throw something together that makes it …

Sad, but strange.

Thursday, January 15th, 2004

There are some weird (and embarrassing) ways to die. I’m going to say that falling to your death from a ninth floor hotel balcony while naked is not the way to go.

fun times at the DMV

Thursday, January 15th, 2004

Ahh…Where do I begin? So yesterday, someone (hubby!) wanted me to go and return the license plate on his old car. Now, for some reason, he could not do this on his own and thought that I’d be a perfect candidate for driving my ass across town to do so. (I don’t understand, either. It’s some marriage thing I guess.) So, anyway, after some “Go do it!” emails, I leave my place of work and head towards the license plate office.

Well, I make it out about one minute when a nice little police officer pulls up behind me and turns on her lights. I’m nausious, tired and almost out of gas. GREAT.

So, I won’t go into the whole …

It doesn’t make sense, George.

Wednesday, January 14th, 2004

Okay, I’m a Republican and I voted for Bush. But I can’t figure out why he and all these people are so scared of same sex marriage.

Separation of church and state, people. Gay people are not evil. If they want to get married and adopt kids and do whatever, LET THEM. It is their constitutional right to be happy. You let convicted murderers get married IN PRISON, yet you won’t let two people who love each other get married or at least have a civil union????


Wednesday, January 14th, 2004

Uncomfortable thing someone says to me in an interview number 2,4,567,853

“Would you like a headshot of me?”

Seriously, this is going too far.

Wednesday, January 14th, 2004

This article makes me want to throw up. Oh wait, I just did.

Bunless burgers? Why not just call them meat patties? If you are so damn worried about whatcha eat, your ass doesnt need to be getting fast food. And if you must, get a cheeseburger, small fries and a water. You’ll enjoy it a lot better.

The Golden Book Years

Wednesday, January 14th, 2004

It’s always good to set goals for yourself…but to enter elementary school 84??? That’s just a little whack.

The funny thing is, he wants to be a vet when he grows up. Why stop there? How about get a PhD or an MD or be an astronaut?

Bad baby!

Wednesday, January 14th, 2004

Is it possible to punish a fetus? Today is week 15. I’m still sick. I’m used to a LITTLE nausea in the morning and then I wait for all hell to break loose at night. That’s how things have been in the second trimester for the past 3 weeks.

So why in the sam hell did the fetus go and make me have the VVVs this morning? I’m at work and feel horrible. I have no food in my belly, yet I still feel the need to purge.

That’s it, baby. I’m going to wear REALLY tight fitting underwear and pants and sleep on a heating pad to make things uncomfortable in there.

Hullabaloo your neck, your neck

Wednesday, January 14th, 2004

Yup kids. My good ol’ Aggies are at it again. (Scroll down to the second story.)

Looks like an ATM was giving out a little more money than expected. So, what did these retards do??? They go there, stand in a REALLY long line, put coats over their heads (to protect from the cameras) AND THEN TYPE IN THEIR PIN NUMBERS.

Yes, idiots. Your pin numbers. I know EXACTLY where this place is. I lived right by it and my parents even got their dog from the doggie shop in that shopping center.

This is just one bad Aggie joke.


Tuesday, January 13th, 2004

It turns out those crazy Danes are crazier than we thought.

They have declared white socks indecent and their finance workers must wear gray or dark blue suits. In other news, wearing white after Labor day is now a crime punishable by death in Norway.

Yeah that’s right. I’ll make you feel bad.

Tuesday, January 13th, 2004

So the girl who sent me yesterday’s nasty email replied with an apology. Yeah, that’s right. My email reply made her feel bad. GOOD. She’s lucky I was too tired to sign her email up with porn sites last night.

My email reply:

I’m sorry that you feel that way and you feel the need to go and write me a letter such as that one. Yes, I felt bad that Alyssa’s feelings were hurt, but the story was mainly about Alicia and how her life was impacted with the struggle of her son. Yes, I put John in there too, as he is Tommy’s father and was able to give good information on (other siblings) and how the disease works.

They’ll poke your eyes out

Monday, January 12th, 2004

You know how I’ve complained about my (not so little ol’) tatas getting big??

**Warning. Very disturbing pictures below**

I wasn’t kidding. This bathing suit top used to somewhat fit.

She opens her mouth and all these words come out!

Monday, January 12th, 2004

So, I�m reading Entertainment Weekly, and Jessica Simpson is here saying why people like to watch Newlyweds on MTV.

�People watch our show because it�s funny to sit with the person you love and laugh about how that happened to you guys.�

Um, yeah. The hubs and I laughed about the time I got really jealous because he had these half naked chicks rubbing their asses all over him. And then I paid $500 for two pieces of underwear. Or the time I piled all of my clothes in the middle of my mansion or, as newlyweds, we hired a maid. Or for our first anniversary, when we went to some tropical island for a week. Or when, for his birthday, I …

How you durin?

Monday, January 12th, 2004

To say people are naming their children after products is a sweeping generalization. Yes, there are people naming their children Lexus, Courvoisier and Camry. But I’m going to bet that you don’t know many of these people. In fact, I can point my finger at once certain race that is doing this…and the type of person in said race that has no sense of style or class….

Now, I’m not saying that all black people have no class (HUBBY!) I could say that “I know some black people with very cool names” but that’s like saying “I talked to a black guy once. I am not racist.”

I’m being honest here. Black people talk shit about white people. I didn’t …

I’ll take idiots for $100, alex.

Monday, January 12th, 2004

There is a cardinal rule to doing anything stupid in life. If you get away with it once, great. Don’t ever go back for seconds. I know. Trust me on this one.

A man buys a computer and returns it, saying it was full of potatoes. They give him another free of charge and he, yup you guessed it, returns it, saying it’s full of potatoes and now he doesn’t need a computer anymore.

Always look before you leap, people.

Monday, January 12th, 2004

I always check out the condition of a toilet seat before sitting on it. Perhaps, that’s why I’m so confused as to how this woman sat on a toilet seat covered with a clear jelly like substance.

I mean, seriously. Didn’t you wonder after you sat down and the seat was weird??? Or perhaps did the weird appearance of the seat set off warning signals??? Hmmm….

The pity party is going full strength

Monday, January 12th, 2004

Please note, dear readers. Do not go to these people’s site and put something nasty in their guestbook. As much as I’d like you to, it’s not doing me any good professionally. Nobody has done so yet, but, well, I have to have my bases covered.

Okay. For starters, after I wrote that entry last night, I was sick all night with the very very violent vomits that even several medicines did not stop. I then woke up this morning and was dehydrated and, of course, started throwing up.

I had made mostly peace with that stupid email from yesterday. but it seems as if Alyssa has little friends emailing me now. This one didn’t even include my name in …

Return of the stupid emails

Sunday, January 11th, 2004

You know what? I�m used to having a thankless job. Seriously, I am. It�s not that I like having people treat me like complete and utter shit, but I�m used to it. But� it still does not make things any better for me.

I�m not in a good mood right now. I had just came home from being out all day and had the pleasure of getting to throw up pizza. Let me remind you, it doesn�t taste good and I�m not a big fan of chunks of pizza getting caught in my esophagus. So, yeah, I feel bad. I feel like shit, I don�t feel good and I�m just doing my own thing as a human being.

So I check my …

Putting my neck on the line

Friday, January 9th, 2004

It must be the snow. I’m in an exceptionally good mood today. So, I remembered what my news was from earlier that I meant to tell you about. I’m going to write a non-fiction book.

Remember the picture I posted of little Tommy back in November? The boy who died? Well, his story is coming out on Sunday and well, I’ve had the most positive responses I’ve ever had for a story. Ever. It’s really a wonderful story and I think I could see writing a non-fiction book about his and other children’s lives with these horrible diseases and what their parents go through to try and save them.

So, anyway. This is most likely a one time offer. I’m …

I’m scared. I’m really, really scared.

Friday, January 9th, 2004

Okay, this is so weird. I’m sitting at my desk and I hear “Hey sunshine.” This sets off alarms. People in the newsroom do not call me “sunshine” for obvious reasons. So I turn around. I look at this lady standing behind me and think “Who the hell are you?”

She asks me if I cut my hair. Then she starts saying “I just wanted to thank you so much for the paperweight. It has helped me so much.” At this point, my jaw has probably dropped to the floor. Seriously. I think about said paperweight. Oh yeah, that piece of shit on my desk that she said she liked almost a year ago. I told her she could have it. …

Oh the weather outside is frightful

Friday, January 9th, 2004

Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow! Woo hoo!

Okay, so yeah. Many exciting news today. First off, I just got a call from Pam, I bet the most of you mommies will recognize her book. I’m going to interview her this afternoon about baby names! Second, it’s snowing! Third, the hubs started painting the baby’s room last night. Right now we just primed it back to white. (When I say we, I mean he).

Okay, maybe I didn’t have as exciting news as I thought. Oh well….more later!

Hint: I’m really ignoring you

Thursday, January 8th, 2004

I know now why I need an office. I need a freaking office so I can close the door and put up a sign that says “Do not disturb.” I need my own private bathroom so I can go to take a pee without someone trying to engage me in conversation while I sit on the potty.

I want to NOT sit next to the breakroom so people can have small talk with me. In case you don’t know…I hate small talk. Don’t ask me how I’m doing, because I am at work. I’m not happy to be here. I’m bored. I’m tired of stupid people who sit around me.

he must get the hint soon

Thursday, January 8th, 2004

More fun with email! Today, fumblenuts couldn’t stop laughing and saying “I can’t believe I’m doing this.” Here are the emails that followed between me and Bookhoarder.

BH: OK, the random laughing is getting on my nerves.

SJ: no, no. it’s not random. he “can’t believe he’s doing this.” yeah, i think the same thing every day i come to work and am able to make it through the day without throwing something.

BH: In my little meeting with BOSSMAN, he said that at least three people said they had major concerns with him. I know I did and you did, but who else met with him that day?

SJ:ohhhh….the plot thickens. basically i said “the guy is driving me nuts. i can’t …

What a bloody mess

Wednesday, January 7th, 2004

I had to go back to the doctors today. Of course, I had to pay the damn $35 copay,which sucks. I also got to hear the heartbeat again. If I believe in old wives tales it says that I am…

having a girl. I won’t know for sure for another month, but it was fun. Every time they try it, the baby is right under my belly button. Then it moves fast. This time, it went way down low and to the side. It was so neat to know that this kid realizes that something is bothering it and it tries to move away.

They had to draw blood, from my arm. I’m petrified of needles and usually have blood draws …

14 weeks today.

Wednesday, January 7th, 2004

I don’t think my nausea is ever going to end. Seriously. Oh, it’s so freaking horrible. I’m so nauseous right now and I sit right next to our break room at work.

To make matters worse, I think I have broken blood vessels on my face from all the V V Vs (very violent vomits) that have been occuring. Not even my magic medicine is helping anymore. In fact, I’ve never had such horrible sickness.

(Editors note: I had to stop mid blog to make a fast exit to the toilet.)

Last night, during one of my horrible “episodes,” something really bad happened. I ended up wetting my pants from all the heaving. Seriously. My hubby is so wonderful, he ran upstairs …

Paging common sense

Wednesday, January 7th, 2004

You know, it only seems like common sense to me that if you are a bird watcher, you probably shouldn’t keep a cat as your pet. Especially if you’re watching rare birds.

That’s like a civil rights person bringing along their KKK friend to rallies.

Where do they come up with this stuff?

Wednesday, January 7th, 2004

This week’s fun job? Exchanging emails with David Copperfield. Yes, The David Copperfield, as in the guy who boinked Claudia Schiffer, but never got her ass down the isle.

This shall be interesting…

For all of yous who don’t give a crap

Tuesday, January 6th, 2004

Wow, what a promotion!

Tuesday, January 6th, 2004

My boss and I had a “meeting” today. Actually, any time he says he wants to see me, I get scared. Actually, the one time I didn’t get scared, I got written up. What’s up with that shit?

So anyway, I’m like “am i in trouble?” and he says “Why do you always think like that? You’re not in trouble.”

It turns out we all have to have “specialites” now. I have been assigned style/shopping/pop culture. At first, I was like, style? But then I found out that meant I got to go to the mall and look at clothes.

Rock on. It’s not that hard to figure out why I got the gig. I mean, go look at my description of my …

I feel like being saucy

Tuesday, January 6th, 2004

I feel like playing “Let’s insult foreigners!”

So….from a story from my very own paper about the US fingerprinting and photographing terrorists…er, I mean foreigners, here it is!

(Note: If you are from another country, good chance I’m going to make fun of you. Get over it. It’s satire. Or sarcasam.)

Also exempted will be most Canadians, because they usually are not required to get visas, and Mexicans who are coming into the country for a short time and not venturing far from the border.

(Really it’s because everyone knows Canadians are a bunch of pussies also known as America Junior. Who is scared of a Canadian Mountie? Not me!)

“We’re not used to having our fingerprint and photo taken and it being filed. …

Yeah yeah

Tuesday, January 6th, 2004

Nobody liked Cindi, the lazy prostitute who preferred to do business on her back.

I’ll take Disney over this!

Tuesday, January 6th, 2004

Obviously, someone isn’t reading their Bible very well.

This idiot wants to create a Christian Nudist Colony….Okay, stop laughing. His reasoning for this modern Garden of Eden?

“The Bible very clearly states that when Adam and Eve were in right with God, they were naked,” said David Blood, executive director of the project. “When people are in right with God, they do not have to fear nudity.”

Um, yeah, but the Bible really stated that Adam and Eve were naked before there was sin. Once a sin was committed, they became knowledgable of their little ding dongs and wanted to cover them up.

No matter how “right” you are with God, you are still a sinner. Even being a Christian (which …

Is it really a punishment?

Tuesday, January 6th, 2004

Honey, if you don’t stop annoying me, I’m going to give you a BJ and report you to the police.

What a moron.

Tuesday, January 6th, 2004

Hey, I have an idea. If you are going to buy a lottery ticket, it’s probably not a good idea to drop it in a parking lot.

yes, I feel sorry for the lady who dropped the ticket. If I were in her situitation, I’d probably do the same thing. BUT, that being said, if I found that ticket…well, too bad for you. I need the money just as much as you do. I want a comfortable life. That will teach you not to be such a dumbass.

Another reason why I find this lady to be stupid. This is her explination on how she chose the numbers.

12-18 is her son’s birthday.
32 is her other son’s birthday reversed. …

Why the middle east is still retarded

Tuesday, January 6th, 2004

You know, if you name your child Saddam Hussein, you should expect said child will be getting some flack for it.

Maybe I’ll go name the fetus Adolf Hitler and see what happens.

Can I just send him an email bomb?

Tuesday, January 6th, 2004

Ah, just another day in my retarded work space: (aka, fun with inner-office email)

(From Fumblenuts)
Dear staff,

Here�s a l;ist of items I need covered in the weeks ahead. If your name is beside it in parentheses, it means you have claimed it already. Any stories that are not claimed will be assigned as the date approaches. (attaches a long list of shit I’ve never heard of. It all sounds completely boring and I know NO ONE WILL READ IT or GO SEE IT.)

(From me, to Fumblenuts)
My observation, being the staff’s “young” person is….that I have never heard of any of these people, with the exception of Sinatra. Do we have ANYTHING that appeals to a younger crowd?

(From Fumblenuts to me)
These …

Fun with google

Monday, January 5th, 2004

I know that whackos read my stories. Every once in awhile, I google myself to see where my byline turns up.

Today I am distrubed. A story of mine, a wonderful story about a family with two children who have autism, has been posted on one of those “vaccinations are evil” websites. It seems as if people like to think that vaccinations cause autism.

No. It’s called genetics. I would like to delve into this issue more right now, but unfortunately, I’ve let too many people I know in the real world see this damn site. that means if I name names, well, someone’s feelings are going to get hurt.

So let’s just say “Don’t use my stories to further propagate your hippy …

You made your (semen stained) bed. Now lie in it!

Monday, January 5th, 2004

What a crock of doggie doo!

What BS’s hubby said about their marriage idea:
“It was just crazy, man,” the 22-year-old told “Access Hollywood” in an interview at his home Monday morning. “And we were just looking at each other and said, ‘Let’s do something wild, crazy. Let’s go get married, just for the hell of it.’

What her annulment papers said:
“There are grounds for this court to grant an annulment … because plaintiff Spears lacked understanding of her actions to the extent that she was incapable of agreeing to the marriage,” the annulment papers said.


“Before entering into the marriage,” the petition said, “the plaintiff and defendant did not know each other’s likes and dislikes, each other’s desires to have or …

Insert whiny sound here

Monday, January 5th, 2004

So, I’m trying to come up with some freelance writing jobs. I really need freelance writing jobs, because my husband has managed to scare the bejesus out of me by stating we will be poor (as in totally destitute) when I take my lovely unpaid maternity leave.

The deal is, I have no problemos writing and coming up with stuff for my job. I get paid to do it. My ideas are not going to get shot down here. But, to do it and come up with ideas and send them to someone I don’t know who may or may not even bother to respond?

Sounds like I need some tums. Or alcohol. Or at least a bunch of Tylenol. I’m trying …

SJ, this is your life.

Monday, January 5th, 2004

Oh. My. Gosh This is my work life.

It’s book reviews by 8-year-olds. I’m dead serious, I used to be in charge of this for the paper. I think I sitll am, but I’m slacking off and am dealing more with teens, who write about as equally as crappy as these kids.

I’m embarrassed that I’ve placed some of this shiznit in the paper. Hmph. Oh well.

Did someone get paid to study this?

Monday, January 5th, 2004

Is it really a shock that our little fatty, pussy children who are too scared to play dodgeball or even go outside eat too much fast food??

Here’s my favorite part of the story:
“The highest levels of fast-food consumption were found in youngsters with higher household income levels, boys, older children, blacks and children living in the South. The lowest levels were found in youngsters living in the West, rural areas, Hispanics and those aged 4 to 8, but more than 20 percent of youngsters in each of those groups still reported eating fast food on any given day.”

Yes, thank you for that wonderful piece of info. Sounds like pretty much everyone to me.

(In a mocking tone)
“The people who …

I’m so excited and I just can’t hide it!

Monday, January 5th, 2004

We heard the heartbeat this morning. The baby is still really there, which is a good thing because I have a wonderful case of the VVs (violent vomits.)

In one month, we will hopefully learn if it is Ellie Caralynn or Noe Raymond. I can’t wait!

Retard alert!!

Sunday, January 4th, 2004

How freaking stupid can BS be???

Now a quickie marriage in Vegas, followed by an anullment??? She’s stupid.

My office space

Friday, January 2nd, 2004

I�ve been meaning to do this for awhile. Since I�m bored, I�m going to give you a little rundown on the idiots I work with. For now, here are the people on the features desk. Maybe I’ll post about all the other morons later.

Fumblenuts�He�s the assistant editor of the features pages. He took this job after leaving his position as one of the editors of the editorial pages. He has no social skills, speaks like the boss on �Office Space� and has a tendency to walk up behind you and start speaking to the back of your head. He calls people during New Years week and wonders why he can�t get a return call. He hates all things pop culture, …

Yeah, okayyyy

Friday, January 2nd, 2004

I’m just wondering if anyone sees any problem with this photo. And, yes, that is the Crocodile Hunter.

“With a capacity crowd looking on, Irwin dangled a dead chicken before the 13-foot crocodile named Murray, which snapped up the offering. Irwin’s tiny son Bob looked on from his other arm.

“He’s one-month-old, so it’s about time Bob got out there and did his first croc demo,” the Australian celebrity told the crowd at his Australian Zoo.”

I bet Santa gave him coal.

Friday, January 2nd, 2004

I hope you had a Merry Christmas! Now, here are the legs of your dead ex-husband hanging from your ceiling in an obvious attempt to break into your house through your AC unit to greet you!

Stop the insanity!

Friday, January 2nd, 2004

I have officially become the world’s worst employee.

It’s not entirely my fault. I am out of my nausea medicine so that means it’s barf city for me again. Three times before work this morning. See, the problem is, I’ve been getting in late. Really late.

As in 1 on Tuesday, 11 on Wednesday and about noon today. Yeah, that’s just great. Luckily, my boss is on vacation so he hasn’t seen my horrible attendance for the week. I’m just so ready to be normal again. I’m talking not throwing up and or needing to sleep 12 hours every night normal. I’ve given up on ever being “emotionally” normal. :)

Oh, and thanks for all the jean jacket encouragement. I’m going to get …

Anyone looking for a doggie?

Thursday, January 1st, 2004


Last night, for the first time in a really long time, we celebrated with others. The same friends we always have come over and we ate Mexican food, played Trival pursuit and talked about babies stretching cooters.

Tonight, on the way home (After eating Arby’s 5 for 5) we saw a dog sitting on its ass. We laughed but then realized it couldn’t walk. So, we get out of the damn car, go over to the doggie and realize it has been hit by a car. So, my friend dials the number on the tag. (It’s a german shephard and its in our neighborhood.)

The asshat lady is all like “It’s my stepdaughters dog, …

My Flickr photos.