Archive for October, 2003

The UT football team is officially Gay.

Friday, October 31st, 2003

For all you college football fans out there, here is proof that the entire UT Football team takes it in the butt.

(I’m dead serious here. I thought this was a parody. But it’s not.)

On the way to Iowa on the plane, it was clam. Everybody fell asleep or watched movies. But on the way home, we had pillow fights and guys were throwing stuff all over the place. I was trying to watch a movie on the way back, but (Associate AD for Football Operations) Cleve (Bryant) picked the worst movies. He tried to say it was someone else, but we weren’t buying it. They were “Foreign Affair,” which was ridiculously boring. Then, on the way to Iowa …

PR people rant

Friday, October 31st, 2003

Ugg, I’m having to deal with the most stupid PR person. Actually, PR people in general are just idiotic with IQs less than a flea, but I will continue.

Her stupid client didn’t call for the interview yesterday. (You see, he HAD TO CALL ME.) And since yesterday was a bit crazy, I didn’t really care.

So she calls and is all like “la la, can he call you tomorrow?”
I tell her with a very flat voice: “No. I don’t work on Saturdays.”

I write freaking FEATURES. Features, people. I do not work on Saturdays or Sundays. Don’t call my ass at 8pm on Friday and expect me to be here. Nor at 630 Sunday morning. Don’t even MENTION the idea of a …

self entertainment can be detramental to your job

Friday, October 31st, 2003

When did I become such a bad worker? Oh wait, I’ve always been one :)

I haven’t done ANYTHING today. Don’t even WANT TO do anything, either. Someone (with a lack of good social skills, i might add) brought in some catered food. i was craving something with oregeno or whatnot on it (what does that even taste like?) and he had some pasta thingie with oregno or parsley or something. so yum.

yesterday i got macarnoi and cheese, i just had to have it for dinner. the weeks before its been coffee and chocolate. i might need to start craving tofu or some crapola like that. so, in my attempts to do nothing all day, i went to barnes & …

Owie!

Friday, October 31st, 2003

There’s always been a rumor that Cameron Diaz has bad skin.

I think that this picture will finally confirm that.

Stoopidity

Friday, October 31st, 2003

I haven’t done anything in two days. I better get started. But then, I find this story and felt I needed to share with the class.

Fox almost sued itself over a Simpsons parody. I’m not going into it all right here, but here’s what the fake “news ticker” said on the show.

“Study: 92 per cent of Democrats are gay… JFK posthumously joins Republican Party… Oil slicks found to keep seals young, supple…Do Democrats Cause Cancer?”

Now they’re not allowed to do so anymore because…

“While the lawsuit never materialized, Groening said some action was taken.
“Now Fox has a new rule that we can’t do those little fake news crawls on the bottom of the screen in a …

I like my spam on toast

Friday, October 31st, 2003

You know what? spam sucks. Plain and simple.

But, you remember when they first started trying to use “regular” names like Joe Smith to fool you? (Of course, I caught on when the subject was always RE: Your application.” That would mean, dumbpuppy, that I sent you an email that said “Your application.” Sorry. I didn’t. I’m not THAT STUPID.

So, anyway. I went through my other hotmail account (I have about 100) and just got a laugh at the names in my junk mail. Sorry, I have friends with names like Liz, Leslie, Erin, Shannon..crap like that. Normal names.

darrius allen
nita anglin
rowena bonds
minerva jenkins
temilly james
jamila bell
vujo pazitka

and, my personal favorte:
5 wanna be horny 5

Oh! 5 wanna be horny 5! My …

Wanna see my work?

Friday, October 31st, 2003

Okie dokie. The dreaded dog lady has already called this morning. Seems to not like where her story was put in the paper. Too Bad. Here’s the edited version of the story (with all names and local details taken out.)

Some of yous may not realize, but I got in two good swipes at her in this story.

While perching on a gray paint-covered stool in her art studio, CITY artist DOG LADY slowly begins to flip through a stack of papers in her lap. She is viewing her project “NAME OF BOOK,” a marriage of her paintings of dogs and the stories that accompany them, for the first time.

Paintings, 30 to be exact, surround the artist as she looks at …

My future…

Thursday, October 30th, 2003

My friend had her baby!

This will be me in eight to nine months….

A new beginning

Thursday, October 30th, 2003

When I was a senior in high school, my Mom sold our house though we didn’t have anywhere to move. You see, we were out of $$ and couldn’t afford to live in our city. Well, one day before church, my Mom said “oh God will handle this.” and I said “God doesn’t care about us and this stupid house. We’ll be homeless.”

When we got back from church, there was a message on the machine saying that we were accepted to be house sitters, meaning we’d live in a normal 2,000+ sq ft house and pay $500 a month rent. So, I learned the meaning of things happening for a reason and trusting God.

Though I’m struggling a little right …

She makes me laugh…

Thursday, October 30th, 2003

While I’m waiting for an interview (the guy is 45 minutes late) and the test results….I’m a bundle of nerves. So, here are some funny Tina Fey (SNL) comments from the show. She rules!

She once wrote a piece for a workshop in Chicago that featured Catherine the Great complaining about life�s inequity: �You can be a murderous tyrant and the world will remember you fondly. But fuck one horse and you�re a horse-fucker for all eternity”

After the invasion of Afghanistan, she announced on �Weekend Update,� �For the first time in more than two years, women took off their veils and walked freely in the streets. Those whores.�

�My mom had me when she was forty,� Fey said in a personal aside …

Some people are scared of clowns

Thursday, October 30th, 2003

You know how sometimes you think of something for a minut (is that how you spell it) second and then you dream about it?

I can only hope I don’t dream about this tonight. I don’t like nightmares.

No fun.

Wednesday, October 29th, 2003

I have bad news.

My husband just got laid off. He has a month left at work. Considering the testing I’m going through today, this probably isn’t a good thing. Hopefully, something else will pop up for him soon.

Halloween alert!

Wednesday, October 29th, 2003

Anyone looking for a last-minute Halloween costume?

How ’bout going as the notorious cubs fan?

They sucked my blood

Wednesday, October 29th, 2003

I just got back from the World Most Painful Blood Draw. Ever. Really.

I lay my hand downwards, squeezed the little squeezy ball, drank tons of water and even had a warm compess on my hand. I still ended up with two needles going into my hand simoatniously (can’t spell worth crap today) with the hope of striking gold. It finally did and I can say now that my blood will be on its way to a lab tonight.

I will know the “answer” by tomorrow, hopefully. Some of yous knows what that means. Some of yous don’t. Either way, I’m hoping to divulge more info into why I was throwing up in the shower this morning very soon. Isn’t that yucky? …

I’m baaaack!

Tuesday, October 28th, 2003

The Sarcastic Journalist takes Albuquerque!

fun at the doctors

Friday, October 24th, 2003

Just in time for your weekend, it’s my medical update!!!

Went to the doc. We still don’t know whats wrong with me. Why? Because I have such bad veins that after several attempts at drawing blood NOTHING came out. NOTHING at all. Not a drop.

So I have to drink lots of waters and juices or milks this weekend and come back when I get home from Albuquerque with big veins. They still won’t be big. Every person who draws blood or gives me an IV (that’s been A LOT this year) says I have HORRIBLE veins.

Wanna read my movie review?

Friday, October 24th, 2003

Those bastards! They never understand my funny movie reviews! They always get chopped!

Here’s what made it in the paper:

“Every once in a while, a movie comes along that is just so different it leaves even the most opinionated movie reviewer scratching her head. That movie is “Wonderland,” a disturbing movie with some fine acting.

“Wonderland,” you say. “That sounds nice and happy. Like a film version of that game Candyland.” Not quite. “Wonderland” tells the grisly story of a guy named John Holmes in 1981 Los Angeles.

That is John Holmes, the porn star.

Val Kilmer ("At First Sight") plays Holmes, star of such classics like “Passion Pit” and “Big Melons 13.”

and now, what they left out.
�John …

Pagent news

Friday, October 24th, 2003

You know, some people are just blessed with bodies for pagents.

But, come on. I mean, obviously Miss Afghanistan has a little help in the body area. I guess no food and all that crap can be great for your figure. The concentration camp look is in! And, what the hell is up with her face? Plastic surgery gone wrong??

Wacko alert! Hide your kids!

Friday, October 24th, 2003

Remember when the rocker Courtney Love went through that “pretty period” and we all realized that if she could look okay, well then, maybe so could we?

Man, she’s fallen off the looney wagon in a big way.

She tried to make her recent overdose “fun” for her 11-year-old daughter. Remember, this is the daughter of Nirvana’s Curt Cobain, who shot and killed himself. But, let’s hear it in her own words, shall we?

“I made it fun. I said it was going to be gross and I was going to have to make myself throw up but it was going to be OK,” she told People magazine’s November 3 edition.”

Yeah, fun. When my Mom wanted me to have fun, we …

Random health vent

Thursday, October 23rd, 2003

I’m so frustrated with my health right now….or actually, my body…

I just got done running (a mile…only a mile) and really felt like i had a ton of bricks on my chest. its cool here, no humidity but i had to stop twice. i’m still coughing 30 minutes later….grr….i’ve also been nausious and having indigestion/stomach pains….

Why can’t i just get something simple like a stupid cold?

Food, get in my belly

Thursday, October 23rd, 2003

Since it’s a nice 58 degrees today, I was thinking that maybe I’d make some chili tonight for dinner. (Gasp! She cooks!) Okay. From a can. I only bake, try not to cook. but, the chili has to be beanless.

No I’m not a vegetarian. I’m just picky.

Por ejemplo:
1. I like bananas, but not on food. No banana split or puddings.
2. I hate nuts but I like salted airline peanuts. I will not eat something if a nut touches it (as in a dish).
3. I hate seafood but eat tuna.
4. I like oranges, but not orange flavored anything.
5. I like beans, but not in Chili.
6. I’m not much of a yogurt eater, but I’ll eat …

He’s so vain, he probably thinks this blog is about him

Thursday, October 23rd, 2003

Okay people. As usual, we’re wasting some time here, so I want you to help me. Who does Clay Aiken (ack…gag….) resemble more….

A FRAGGLE

or a MUPPET?

Crazy Catholics just can’t stop!

Thursday, October 23rd, 2003

Coming to an outhouse near you…. The Virgin Mary.

First off, I don’t believe this hooplah. That being said, if I were the Virgin Mary, I think I’d find better places to appear than in a tree stump in a bad part of town and a freezer door at a supermarket….

More masturbation fun

Thursday, October 23rd, 2003

Note to prepubscent male self: Never take 5 viagra during school.

Do people realize the funny stuff they write??

“The Sun newspaper quoted a source at the school as saying: “By the time the afternoon lessons began, there was no hiding what they had done.”

Paramedics took the six squirming boys to the nearby Royal Berkshire Hospital, where they were monitored until the effects wore off.”

So, everyone got to see their raging boners. Then, they had to go to a hospital and allow it to “wear off.” I’m assuming these doctors just wouldn’t let them go to the bathroom and relieve the tension themselves.

Wax the bald headed bishop

Thursday, October 23rd, 2003

You know, I always knew those LaCrosse players in high school were such jerkoffs.

Now, I have the language skills to prove it. LaCrosse is slang for masturbation in French Quebec. Even funnier, that’s the name of a new buick car….. hilarity ensues….

open mouth, insert potty

Thursday, October 23rd, 2003

Ha ha, those crazy Russians are at it again! Thanks to politicians (READ: Putin) using foreign “curse” words in speeches, they have outlawed all Foreign-potty mouthing and have turned Russian into the official language.

So, what did Putin say that got their panties in a wad?

Putin launched a 1999 drive against Chechen rebels by vowing to “wipe them out in the shithouse".

…tell a French journalist last November that anyone wishing to become a Muslim extremist could undergo circumcision in Moscow “in such a way that nothing grows back".

And now, for my personal favorite….
He then chose not to campaign in the 2000 election he easily won, saying he would not treat politics like trying to sell “Snickers and …

Somebody fire the man, already

Thursday, October 23rd, 2003

Please don’t let it be one of those days.

It’s 9am, I’m sitting at my desk under the new light they put above me, making me feel like I’m sitting in some cruel tanning booth. Anyway, Fumblenuts walks up to me. My back is turned. I’m looking at the computer.

He just begins to talk, like I KNOW he’s there. “IS the candy apple pictures going to be ready?”

“We’re not taking them till tomorrow afternoon.”
“Oh…uhh….uhh…uhh….(mumbles something). Will it be ready for next week?”
“No. You should shelve it.”

He keeps on going. I’m not even looking at him at this point because I just want to hit him. I want to yell, “Look, you stupid ass Fumblenuts. It doesn’t puppy matter whether or not …

Wednesday, October 22nd, 2003

Hey, people. Don’t make promises you can’t keep. That includes you too, Smuckers.

“ORRVILLE – A California woman says she has a “sensitive palate” and claims all she tasted was an empty promise from the Smuckers Company.
Now she is suing.
She claims the Orrville, Ohio company’s “simply 100 percent” strawberry jam really contains less than 30 percent actual strawberries.
Smuckers had no immediate comment.”

I need a drink

Wednesday, October 22nd, 2003

So, a woman walks into a bar and has some drinks with her hubby.

Normal, right? Well, then she lifts up her shirt and begins to breastfeed her 10-month old child….

….does anyone see something wrong with this?

Um, we need some help here.

Wednesday, October 22nd, 2003

Search engines are weird things. Take this search, for example.

It was a search that brought someone to my old blog. Who the hell searches for “Humping my mother?”

Damn, I need to be careful about what I write on these things. I do not have a site meter on this blog, so really, I have no idea how many people come here a day or how you’re getting here, how long you’re staying or what color underwear you’re wearing.

I’m just a little ol’ dogg, sitting near the bright box, typing like a maniac.

Sing alongs rule!

Wednesday, October 22nd, 2003

“It’s the most wonderful time…of the year….”

(EVERYBODY SING!)

We’ve got to go home…
not to talk on the phone…
on Christ-mas!!!!

It’s the most wonderful time of the yeeeeeearr!
I have no plane tickets
And no holidaayyys
That my work will give me
while keeping the payyy

It’s the most wonderful time, of the year!
$203 a person
now that’s quite a steal
but i can’t look at my bank account
or I will feel ill
cause the hubs bought a car
and that took the dough
we would have used to go
to the land of no snooooowwwww

It’s the most wonderful time, of
the
yearrrrrrrr!!!

How did they know?

Wednesday, October 22nd, 2003

Okie dokie. I just took this quiz that says what my real name should be.

And darn it, the name it tells me should be my name REALLY is my name. So, I can’t put the answer on here.

“BLAH BLAH - Your real name should be BLAH BLAH. People with the name BLAH BLAH are usually very opinionated, artistic, and love good music. You are very lucky you got this name. Congrats, you’re cool.”

think that’s true??

Wed nes day

Wednesday, October 22nd, 2003

So, I’ve already had a very interesting day! First off, I woke up ON TIME and got to work at 8am. That’s amazing! I’m back to my old schedule!

Then, I come to work, pull out the paper, and THERE IT IS. My story. Front page. Main story, you know, the one with the picture accompanying it? My story is more important than the partial-birth abortion law. More important than parkinsons. (Pats self on back.) That makes me happy.

In other news, the hubs might be sick. I know he feels bad, but in typical hubs form, he’s determined to go to work. Such the exact opposite of me. If I even feel a sniffle I’m like “Oh, too sick. Must …

calling all friends…

Wednesday, October 22nd, 2003

Hey all you friends lovers…. did ya hear the news?

Courtney Cox is (most likely) pregnant. So, how about we all chip in for a gift, eh? I was thinking…maybe…. this cute little bed. At $39K, it’s a steal!

One of these things is not like the other

Tuesday, October 21st, 2003

What’s more fake? This wax figure or the real BS???

(Lets count boob jobs, nose job, that hair, those extensions, fake tans and the overall fake personality, I’m going to say the real one is.)

growing tired…must find new stupid muse

Tuesday, October 21st, 2003

You know what I’m tired of? Those damn Jessica Simpson “Chicken by the sea” comments.

Yes, we all know she’s a ditz. Any time the girl opens her mouth her IQ drops at least 10 points. And of course, she’s milking this baby as far as it can go. There’s been the countless interviews. Countless “trivia’ questions where she has to identify who the president is and whatnot.

But now, she’s gone to the Chicken of the Sea business offices and stopped in on a staff meeting.

Oh ha ha! That girl, oh she’s funny! Look at yet another publicity stunt! Woah, haha, I gotta stop myself! This is so damn funny. This is like the damn grand wizard of …

yadda yadda yadda

Tuesday, October 21st, 2003

So, here’s your daily update into the mundane happenings of my day to day life.

1. I went to the doc today and found that I haven’t gained weight, no matter how much I worry about it. Still 5′5. Still 133. Not too bad considering I’m 23years and 11 months. I also have an excellent pulse and blood pressure.

2. I’m on a new chemical now. Supposed to take away all the bad side effects of the other chemicals I’m on. So I take a chemical to fix the chemical. Basically I’m trying to get back to normal, without the whole stress/anxiety/crying/pissed off issues.

3. Fumblenuts is STILL an idiot. He just identified our state’s location in a phone call– as in …

Are you a top looking for a bottom?

Tuesday, October 21st, 2003

Didja ever watch “Who’s the Boss” on TV? Even once? Well then, you might find this funny….

Danny pintoros (the son’s) friendster profile (via GAWKER)

“Dan ‘Who’s The Boss?’ Pintauro has a Friendster profile. What he’s looking for: ‘My age or older (at least mentally) a versatile top with the qualities of a bottom, i.e. sweet, attentive etc.. Adventurous, open minded, but not self centered, social, silly but more often serious and interesting, non smoker… I’m mainstream with twists. I like Justin Timberlake, but I also have a twisted sexual side. Actor but now on the otherside of the field in agenting and casting. Versatile bottom sexually. Enjoy bar hoping and being social or chillin at home emailing or watching …

I can’t think of a title.

Tuesday, October 21st, 2003

Yet another excuse in the “what happened to Roy” saga….

it wasn’t the tiger’s fault, it was actually the work of bribes.

And she keeps showing up

Tuesday, October 21st, 2003

For future notice, if you are trying to extend your 15 minutes of fame (BS alert)…

and go to a club unannounced and strip into your bra and then get blindfolded and have dancers gyrate around you….

you should expect that someone, somewhere, is going to take a damn picture. Get over it.

you want it? You got it!

Monday, October 20th, 2003

Again, I’m here to bring you the ways to contact the people in the news….

Here’s the email address for that retarded kid who put the knives on planes! NAT@AJHEATWOLE.COM

weird thought of the day

Monday, October 20th, 2003

Okaaay, so you people may think I’m nutso, but I’ll tell you this anyway.

I’ve been working on a story about a family who have 3 children with a rare metabolic disorder. All 3 will die by the age of 12, most likely. No one in the parents families had this disease and they didn’t find out they were carriers until the third pregnancy.

Anyway, I’m thinking about getting genetic testing/counseling. You’re like “HUH? What SJ?” In the small case that one day I do have children, I want to know that I’m not walking around, carrying some disease that’s going to make their head fall off when they sneeze or something.

I’m not sure how this works. Would I just go …

Fill in the caption

Monday, October 20th, 2003

“Well sir, as you can see, I’m completeley, by far, the stupidist person on the face of the Earth. By holding up these three fingers, I want to tell you three things. One, I kill people. B, I stole this jacket from one of my victims and third, I’m innocent.”

Internal Memo

Monday, October 20th, 2003

I work with idiots.

Here’s an email from Fumblenuts, my “boss.”

“We’re missing a book of Letters by Ronald Reagan that was on the file cabinet this morning. If anyone has seen this, please give it to me or BOSS GUY. We’d like to try and review it for the Books page.
Thanks”

Less than five minutes later….

“Me culpa. I fall on my sword.
I found the Reagan book buried under a load of other books.”

Hey dumbnuts, why dontcha go through the stuff on your desk before you walk around accusing all of us in your non-confrontational way that we took the book?

Wishing and hoping

Monday, October 20th, 2003

Where’s that darn countdown clock when I need it?

Turns out that Pamela Anderson is promising us only five to ten more years of her existence.

Yup, that’s right. Though many many poor (read: NOT RICH) people live full lives with Hep. C, it turns out she has the deadly form. But she feels fine. But it’s still deadly.

I’m sure she’s a nice person in life and I wish noone ill will. But, as long as she prances around with those THINGS on her chest and preaches about PETA and vegeteranism…she’s fair game. Besides, how dare she tell me what to eat when she brought forth the spawn of Tommy Lee onto this Earth??

OH NOOOOOO

Friday, October 17th, 2003

In case you are wondering (and I bet you aren’t) it is 8:30 on Friday night and my little butt is still at work. I’m starting to think I’m never going home. I’m about to hit hour 12 for today….

Darn it! Where is she?

Friday, October 17th, 2003

I have to be very careful about what I write on here. I was going to tell you why I may not be at the ‘puter much today, but then I googled the reason and well, it basically said where I’m at. Does that make any sense? If you’re as googley as me, you’d figure out in one minute that SJ lives in a certain place.

And, isn’t the anonymity part of the fun? so, I’m off to the hospital to interview this family for the billionth time (I’m following them as their child gets bone marrow/stem cell transplant) and then I’m off to the place I can’t tell you about. So, miss me. I’ll probably be back and tell you …

She’s a mean one, that SJ

Thursday, October 16th, 2003

Oh, I just love getting to play the wicked witch of the west….

(drum roll, please)

and now, the email I just had to send to our teens!!!

Hello all,

Again, I just had a meeting where three people showed up. This can’t keep happening. It is not fair to me, Boss Man or the three that took the time to drive up here and discuss the Teen Page with me.

I don’t know why people aren’t coming and really, I’m not in the mood to hear it. I accept that perhaps you forgot, as it is very easy to forget. I often forget to send out the “Please come to the meeting” emails but that doesn’t give you a reason not to …

Quick bloggy blog

Thursday, October 16th, 2003

Sorry I’ve been MIA today. I’m SUPER busy, busy,busy but wanted to share a little tidbit that may make you laugh as much as it made me when I thought about it.

I went to see the movie “wonderland” for review today. I’m not going to go into the movie, but I found myself thinking about the dumbest things. Like, when I see a professional review it is all “The allegories between the couch and the chair and then the repoitre of the alligator conjures up an illusion to make the viewer feel as if he is fanatical.”

What I think during movies and i’d like to put in my reviews (and sometimes do)? “Lisa Kudrow has a double chin. That rocks.” …

Punch my buttons

Wednesday, October 15th, 2003

Sometimes, I’m sitting at work and I begin to feel a little, oh how do you say it, SAUCY?

Sometimes I see a number and just Have. To. Dial. It. Know Sam Waksal? Name not ring a bell? How about Martha Stewart and ImClone? Oh, yeah. THAT GUY.

Hmm. Well, it turns out that while in jail, he’s not checking his messages. Don’t believe me? Dial 212-777-3379, a number Martha herself probably dialed a few times. Listen to the message.

Oh, come on. You KNOW its the company phone. Just dial it. I did. And now, I’m just like

funny times

Wednesday, October 15th, 2003

Ha ha ha! I told everyone that Jennifer Lopez was becoming white.

Work sucks.

Wednesday, October 15th, 2003

I don’t even know why I bother. Why I bother coming in here if all my work is going to be viewed as crap and not taken seriously.

The paper makes this BIG deal each year about entering these contests and submitting our work and blah blah blah. So, as usual, I submit my work and enter these contests.

We had 115 entries for our paper. We have about 40 people on staff, give or take a few that I didn’t count. I turned in many stories, many of which I thought were good and was proud of.

Only 1 entry made it in the contest. A stupid book critique. Now, there’s this brown-nosing girl (she graduated college at the age of 27, …

Please don’t take me to the ballgame

Wednesday, October 15th, 2003

Perhaps I missed the news conference, but…

It’s fall, right??? Why is there baseball on TV? I’ve been meaning to ask and I guess they’re in playoffs now? Isnt baseball a spring sport? I’m not really stupid, I just don’t pay attention to sports. Would someone please fill me in?

Welcome!

Tuesday, October 14th, 2003

Good to see the Chinese caught up with us….

or at least us four decades ago.

Welcome to the sixties, China! Hippes and the Vietnam war will soon follow…

Isn’t she lovely??

Tuesday, October 14th, 2003

This is a picture of my little friend who is having a baby THIS MONTH!

Note to the hubs:

Tuesday, October 14th, 2003

See? I’m not just lazy. I’m predisposed to sleep late.

Bad dog! Bad dog!

Tuesday, October 14th, 2003

Those crazy germans just don’t have a sense of humor these days….

This man taught his dog (aptly named ADOLF) to do the seig heil salute. He’s facing up to three years in prison. No word yet on whether the dog had a nasty little mustache or if it will be gassed like the jews were during the Holocaust.

My list

Tuesday, October 14th, 2003

Please, for the love of God and all things good, don’t envy me.

I know it’s hard. I have waaay too much to do at work. Officially, I have about 18 stories I’m supposed to be working on. Yes, that’s two less than twenty. Now, out of the 18, I’m going to go and give 10 or so top priority as in, need to be done now. that’s not adding book reviews (gotta have Jimmy carter’s new book read by November, haven’t started it yet) plus books I’m in the midst of (gotta have them finished for time-wise) and coordinating the teen page (6 books to get them to review, plus stories they aren’t writing) I have PR people from RandomHouse …

Nerd alert

Tuesday, October 14th, 2003

Here’s a funny article about Jared the Subway Guy. That dude is Such A Dork. He’s only 26, too. He seems so nerdy that he’d HAVE to be older.

“His father, Norman Fogle, does not disagree. “Some kids become promiscuous, some drink a lot, Jared just ate more and more,” he says. But Jared’s eating went beyond youthful experimentation.”

“The Subway contract contains a fat clause: If Jared goes over a certain weight (which he will not divulge), the deal is off. “

“Like other high-powered celebs, fans identify him by first name only. “Right up there with Madonna and Prince,” he tells one school group.

Sounds like fun

Monday, October 13th, 2003

I consider this to be very approperiate, considering I hate hotmail.

(Editors Note: I did not use the word “puppy” in place of the f-word here. My deepest regrets.)

Couldn’t you imagine sending an email to your parents?

“Hey dad! My new email is blah blah at fuckhotmail.com. Yes, I said fuck hotmail….But, DAAAAADD!! I’m 23 years old! I’m a fucking adult! Can’t I say fuck hotmail?”

Sheep happens

Monday, October 13th, 2003

Okaayyy….

I just had a weird conversation on the phone:

(ME) “Oh, hi, sorry I didn’t call you. Its just that you didn’t call me back and i got confused and well, I had to go in a field with sheep. Yup, that’s my job. Cookies and sheep. Oh, I’m so sorry again. Its just…sheep.”

Luckily this lady was really nice and understood that sheep happens. Oh ha! What a bad pun!

hee hee

Monday, October 13th, 2003

I’m seriously thinking about getting my mom this for Christmas.

I’m healthy and REALLY happy

Monday, October 13th, 2003

I really enjoyed this page. Especially the picture part. That’s what I’d LOVE to see while out on a walk with grandma.

I deduct that you are a weirdo…

Monday, October 13th, 2003

So I’m thinking about tax deductions. Why? Because I’m a dork.

I’m all for tax loopholes and not having to pay my part. :) So, my friends, did you know that you can deduct:

an abortion? A vasectomy? Birth control pills? Lead-based paint removal? gambling losses….

This rules.

She’s baaaaaack

Monday, October 13th, 2003

Mondays, ahh Mondays. This will be somewhat short because I have an interview in 45 minutes and I’m not prepared.

i get to work this morning and have a nice long, nasty, ranting, rude voice mail from DOG LADY. Yes. Its true. She’s back, she’s pissed because a photographer showed up at her place on friday instead of Monday. (I’m still not sure what happened, we had some weird computer problem here in our schedule.) Instead of saying “No, come back Monday” she went on to call and gripe at my voice mail, my boss and at Food Guy. I’m sure she gave the photographer an ear full. I must go apoligize to him today for making him deal with her …

I’ll suck your royal blood

Friday, October 10th, 2003

Still wanna marry Prince William?

La da dee, la da daa

Friday, October 10th, 2003

Okay, this is such a weird predicament I’m in right now.

Seems as if somehow, someone IN THE KNOW, has figured out that I tend to get a lot of overtime. Considering I get time and a half and I often average about 2 extra hours a week, well I’ve actually made more to date than my husband, who makes more than I do.

So, anyway. Last week my boss told me that when I hit 40 hours, I’m just supposed to stop what I’m doing and go home. Of course, there’s always exceptions to the rules. So, I’m hitting 40 hours in about 35 minutes. I don’t know if I’m supposed to go home, considering it’ll only be 1 something when …

And the stupid award goes to…

Friday, October 10th, 2003

Ohh, too bad there’s not a Nobel Prize for being a complete dumbass.

Because, former Governor Ryan, you would have won that one.

Keep on pushing for no death penalty. The world ISN’T CROWDED ENOUGH, damnit. Let’s keep all the crazy murders out there! Hey! When the prisions get full, lets let them loose!

BS Alert #5009

Friday, October 10th, 2003

Calling all parents!

Britney Spears really wants to inspire your kids. Really. That’s all she cares about. Just look at the picture. That should inspire SOMETHING in a teenage boy…

Pizza, anyone?

Friday, October 10th, 2003

I just got a perscription for some, ah, blemish cream. Can’t remember the damn name but the girlie in the commericial is all happy and rosy cheeked and the boy at the locker liked her.

Yeah, it also cost a buttload. But, anyway. this isn’t about my facial blah blahs, this is about this kid. Turns out his parents are suing the people who make ACCUTANE for his acne because he killed himself.

Yeah, so if this crap doesn’t work, man, I’m pulling out a machete and am going all Kill Bill on your ass.

Cleanup in isle 5, herb.

Friday, October 10th, 2003

And we thought our government was big spenders.

Turns out, the space shuttle people shop at wal-mart, too.

Retarded school alert

Friday, October 10th, 2003

This is just plain out funny. A school in Washington has a “work excellence” program that helps students get ready for the real world. Okay, so THAT’S not funny, but this is…..

So they give the special ed students jobs. They make them do janitorial work, such as digging through trash. In front of the mainstream “normal” students.

Here’s what the school had to say about this.

“School officials said many special education students will do janitorial work after high school, so they believe the tasks are appropriate. The Evergreen School District’s “Work Experience Program” is aimed at teaching special education students work skills that would help them get jobs and live independently after school.”

and, from a parent:

“They …

Another idiotic reason….

Friday, October 10th, 2003

Ah Ha! I told you! Now, there’s a new reason to the Roy/Tiger attack.

The owner of the Mirage is saying…ha ha….get this…

“"As Roy was leading Montecore out to stage front on a lease, the cat became fascinated and distracted by woman with a big hairdo in the front row.” Wynn says instead of Montecore following Roy through his usual routine, the cat became fascinated with a woman in the audience that had a big hairdo. “For whatever reason, Montecore was fascinated and distracted by the guest sitting ringside.”

“Montecore got down on all fours and put his 26-inch head four inches away from of the woman. She thinks this is adorable and part of the show and reaches …

Licka Licka Licka my ass

Friday, October 10th, 2003

Okay, there’s this little cartoon email thingie going around and the words are (I kid you not)

“Papa Smurf, can I lick your ass?”
“Yeah, lick my ass bitch.”

Well, it seems as if I just found the picture that inspired the song.

Actually, I’m supposed to be in Albuquerque this weekend at the balloon fest, but you know, those damn plane tickets. Instead, I’ll be there in two weeks.

Help, I need somebody

Thursday, October 9th, 2003

First the tiger was scared. then it was confused. Today it was really just trying to protect Roy.

Uh huh. Tomorrow it turns out that the tiger had a bad breakup and had been fixing himself with alcohol and is now in rehab.

Sometimes, when I like to help people, I rip their throats out. Other times I just shoot people, like the little old lady who dropped her groceries at the store. Man, I just pulled out my gun and shot her old wrinkly ass up until it was buzzard meat. Yup, I did just that.

Acid overdose alert

Thursday, October 9th, 2003

Woah, I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamt I was a homeless guy sleeping on a street in Mexico and all these weird naked people came marching by wearing masks representing former presidents.

HOLY MOSES!

Thursday, October 9th, 2003

I knew it would happen. Someone I actually “KNOW” is on a reality show.

I went to high school and college with this girl. Now I have to watch the show.

She’s tall skinny and beautiful and about to get a cool house. Must be hard, eh?

Thursday, October 9th, 2003

Oh, meant to tell you. The interview with CRAZY DOG lady has been moved to today. Its in about 1.25 hours. Scary. Ahh. I Have NO QUESTIONS WRITTEN YET.

What the hell do i say?

“Whats it like to be a psycho neurotic crazy woman?”

hennifer lopez

Thursday, October 9th, 2003

Oh, no. It looks like Jennifer Lopez has had another “style change.”

(Editor’s Note: Read the caption.)

Big Pimpin

Thursday, October 9th, 2003

Tonight, I’m gonna grab my hos and get me a couple of 40s and play me some GHETTOPOLY.

Only problem is dat de black reverand get all up in my shit because i wanna play dis game wit my pimps and hos.

Just because dere is a game called “KKKopoly” doesnt mean i’m gonna get all up in his shit because its about white people. Damn, white people can live in the ghetto. Even hispanics. Jennifer Lopez has a ghetto booty and she wants to be white!

Maybe you shouldnt assume dat dis is all about you, brother. Because when you do, you make it look like all black people live in de ghetto. Now, do a sister a favor …

me no know poetry

Thursday, October 9th, 2003

Ever wanted to be a poet? How bout an INTERNATIONAL POET?

Sex and the holy city

Thursday, October 9th, 2003

(Announcer’s voice) “It’s time to play….what did that crazy Catholic say?!?!?!”

((music plays, something happy and light))

(Host) Well, Bob. Who do we have on the lineup today?

(Announcer) He lives in the Vatican and he’s now saying that condoms don’t stop AIDS. He’s old, thinks he’s the only one in direct contact wth God and rides in the Popemobile….

(Host) …It’s the Pope!

(Bell sounds) ding! ding! ding!

(Host) Who else is on the lineup?

(Announcer) He lives in a country where 20% of the population has AIDS yet he still says that condoms carry the HIV virus!

(Host) Wait, wait…don’t tell me…it’s a priest in Kenya!

(Announcer) Right again!

(Host) Looks at computer monitor. That’s all the time we have for today. Thanks for watching What …

NO fun can be had

Wednesday, October 8th, 2003

You know when you try to be funny/nice/friendly at work and it backfires? I’m wondering if that’s happening to me right now.

there’s this guy I work with. He’s nice, we chat, he’s also pretty young. So he’s talking to fumblenuts who is all “um, yeah, um, yeah” just like in the movie OFFICE SPACE.

So I send said guy an email and the title is “sarcastic question” and the subject is “um, yeah…yeah…um…yeah. Have you ever seen office space?”

and the dildo doesn’t answer me. So I look like some idiot sending out weird emails through the office! BASTARDS!

Go, Arnie Go!

Wednesday, October 8th, 2003

Stupid things said by Austrians (and other retarded countries) about Arnie’s win:

“Many people in the world – and in America – now know where Styria is.”
Um, in case you’re like the rest of the world and have no idea where the hell this place is, don’t worry. It’s not even on the map. It’s near Erzberg and bordes Slovenia. There, now you know.

“Someone who’s a foreigner in his country, who has an unpronounceable name and can become governor of the biggest American state – that’s not nothing,” Sarkozy told RTL radio.
Um, no. What about Alaska and Texas? Land-wise, KALIfornia is the third largest. But, if we’re going people-wise, its the largest.

In Japan, TV news …

I’ll kung pow your chicken

Wednesday, October 8th, 2003

Nothing says lovin like a good ol’ Chinese orgy.

Is it me or is the guy on the left smiling? Hey buddy, it’s your 15 minutes of fame. Enjoy it.

BS alert

Wednesday, October 8th, 2003

Hey! Britney Spears doesn’t want you to see this ad.

Honey, if you don’t want people to know you’re popping diet pills, maybe you should keep them better hidden. Just an idea….

Okie dokie.

Wednesday, October 8th, 2003

There’s just something creepy about this picture. (Note to husband: Open the darn link and see what it is. Don’t make me tell you about it later.)

The AOL “Running Man” hugging Boise’s mayor?? EWWWWWWWWWWWW. Seems as if for some reason, AOL took out an ad in a paper saying that Boise sucks and it’s not a good city to launch a new product or whatnot. So now they’ve set up a concert featuring the counting crows and donated $25,000 towards schools. Oh, of course, they also sent the running man.

Okay– the counting crows were cool AWHILE AGO. Now they have that annoying ‘Tree song.” AOL’s revenue is over 20 billion. They put on free concerts in …

As always, I’m confused

Wednesday, October 8th, 2003

You know, I am always asking questions about things. Its my job. So, I know there’s a few gay people who read this and I have a question…

Why the term “partner?” Why not my boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband or whatever? Is there a politically correct reason behind this or is it just more accepted or crazy or what?

Booty short call

Wednesday, October 8th, 2003

So, Beyonce, also known as the mouth piece of that group known as Destiny’s Child, is putting together a clothing line. Who isn’t these days? anyway, so she’s getting her Mom’s help in doing so.

So you’re thinking “OKay SJ. What the hell is wrong with that? She dresses well.” Okay, do you remember DESTINY’S CHILD???? Don’t you remember how they dressed?

Its not very pretty. But, I do think the whole military commando/slut look would be a great after work dinner party look– don’t you?? Sign me up, baby. I need to look like I raided a 4-year-olds closet for shorts.

The Governator

Wednesday, October 8th, 2003

Well KALIfornia, you did it. May I present, your new governor….

Pull out the candles

Wednesday, October 8th, 2003

Before I met the hubs, I’ll admit, I was totally infatuitated with Matt Damon.

Of course, I’m not NOW…but anyway, I noticed on USA TODAY that it is HIS BIRTHDAY!

So, happy 33 bday Matty, along with Darrell Hammond, Johnny Ramone, Jesse Jackson and Chevy Chase.

This is now the end of this useless piece of babble. You may continue on with your daily happenings.

crazy lady update

Tuesday, October 7th, 2003

So I call crazy dog lady. She tells me she didn’t want me to write story. She starts asking questions. I’m going to post the question, my answer and her response below so you can see what a loon this lady is.

Have you grown up with animals?
1. Yes, my parents always had dogs around when I grew up.

Do you have one?
2. No, but I would like one but they’re a big responsibility.

What kind would you want?
3. Oh, maybe a daschound, my mom has those. Or a lab.
hER: DID SHE BUY THEM FROM A BREEDER?
4. Um (yeah she did but didnt say so) she had two and they had puppies so we ended up with four dogs.

DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT …

news flash

Tuesday, October 7th, 2003

….Breaking News…..

I just got an assignment to write about some local lady who has a book about dogs. She wanted a specific writer–Food Guy– to write the story.

Bossman said No, SJ will do it. She is now on the phone with him and is griping because she doesnt want me (someone she doesnt KNOW) to write the story because I DO NOT HAVE PETS.

Either that, Or I specifically don’t have a dog. I’m serious people. This is the kind of crap I DEAL WITH ON A DAILY BASIS.

He’s saying “I think she’s a very good reporter. We have a small staff and I think she’s a very good writer. She’s very fair, blah blah.”

AHH! What is up with people?

Hilarity ensues

Tuesday, October 7th, 2003

I bet court reporters are begging to get to do THIS story.

Seems as if this guy is going to question a parrot in court to see if it can sing the theme song to Andy Griffinth or say “Daddys gotta go to work.”

curse away

Tuesday, October 7th, 2003

Hey look! The FCC has now said its okay to say the F-word on TV!

what the heck?

Monday, October 6th, 2003

Alrighty, its time for the daily “Beardogg whines because she can” blog.

There’s something that Gets. My. Goose. about people who can become authors off of their blogs. Like, they blog, people decide they’re wonderful and then they write books. Okay, so mabe its more jealousy than getting aforementioned goose, but whatever. I digress.

So, Wil Wheaton is writing a book about a year in the life of his blog. Hmm, I wonder if he’ll mention the time that a friend of his almost got me fired because they tried to say I didn’t interview him when I did, and that I made up the comments and stole the rest from his website. Hee hee! It didn’t make his blog because ruining …

It goes with the territory

Monday, October 6th, 2003

The problem with emailing bloggers about being in your story is that they may end up talking about you in their blog:

“So I got the strangest email today that I haven�t responded to yet. Apparently there is a writer in MY CITY who is doing a newspaper article on people who blog (online journal) about religion and religious topics. I�m not sure what the exact focus of the article is, but I�m not sure if I want to do it if it is for real. Catholics make nice tagrets in the AREA OF THE COUNTRY and in the media as of late.”

If it is for real? Damn, girl. I sent you an email THROUGH my WORK EMAIL and included all …

Very interesting…

Monday, October 6th, 2003

Perhaps it’s time for a career change?

Jane Magazine is hiring——

“Jane Magazine is seeking an Associate Editor to join its talented editorial staff. Responsibilities include pitching and writing various front of book column items, pitching and writing original well feature ideas, and reporting on entertainment and pop culture trends.”

Sounds like me….except I dont have 2 years of magazine experience. Only 1.5 years of newspaper experience. Hmm….I have a house and mortgage and husband with a job here. But I’d like to work there for a year.

Open letter to the people at Subway

Monday, October 6th, 2003

Dear Subway:

I am writing to thank you for the Steak and Cheese sandwich that I bought from you last Thursday after a nice morning screening of the movie “Kill Bill.”

I’m very happy to inform you that the theme of the movie carried over to my sandwich, which has now KILLED MY INTESTINES. I want to thank you for the opportunity to have to go numero dos TEN TIMES in four days, all with the urgency of a steak and cheese landslide rumbling around in my colon. I really haven’t had a chance to catch up on my magazine reading so I enjoy the time given to me as I sit on the pot and read an entire Jane Magazine because …

Drink up

Saturday, October 4th, 2003

Ahh, I’ve been in a mood to upload some pics. So, for your daily entertainment, here’s what happens when SJ drinks ONE MARGARITA. ONE.

Notice the look on my friend’s face. She’s having a baby this month. I’ve desecrated a mother!

its a hairy world out there

Saturday, October 4th, 2003

So you people beg. You people plead. You send naked pictures of yourself. Okay, maybe not the last one.

HELP ME PICK A GOSH DARN NAME!

Friday, October 3rd, 2003

okie dokie, name blog again. which one do you like better or think works better?

Originally, the names for 3 of the 4 sisters in my book were:
Cassie, Emily and Tara. The Mom was Janie.

Decided maybe the women should be named in according to family tradition: Naming females after famous women.

So, I came up with:
Emily (Dickinson), Abby (Abigail Adams) and…. either…..

Cady (Elizabeth Cady Stanton) or Lucy (wife of a Dec of Indep. signer)

Hmm….so many choices. Does any of this make sense? Lucy/Cady is the youngest child, previous name Tara. Let me know what you think.

name game

Friday, October 3rd, 2003

Ok, I’ve been throwing around the ideas of changing the names of characters (well, not the main one) in my book.

I just can’t decide. How is it possible to make it so hard on myself to change a stinkin name?? I guess I’m worried that if i change it, i will get confused later on. Hmph. I dont know what to do.

boobies, anyone?

Friday, October 3rd, 2003

I went over to look at the boobie thon but then saw nipple. I’m at work so had to say “byebye” to that one. nips on my work puter arent good….

I thought about submitting a pic but I just couldn’t do it. I have okay boobs, I’m mean, I think they’re a little too big, ya know? 34DD or d, it just doesnt seem natural. Maybe I’ll drink and send a pic? Oh, its probably too late anyways.

EDITORS NOTE: I think I’m going to do it. I’m such a nudist and to show my boobs, in a bra or even covered up so someone will donate $$ to charity can’t be a bad thing. Ok! I’ve pumped myself …

Ouch.

Friday, October 3rd, 2003

Man, this gives new meaning to the term nutcracker.

Identity

Friday, October 3rd, 2003

Know what’s fun? I just admitted to one of my bloggy friends that I tried to interview her once before SJ was born.

Unfortunately, things didn’t work out for that interview (she had moved) but it was fun to remind her. I think I shocked her a little. So, yes, people. SJ really does exist in newspaper land. I have people to prove it!

IF work was supposed to be fun, we wouldn’t call it “work.”

Friday, October 3rd, 2003

I have been in such a work slump recently.

I haven’t been doing ANYTHING worthwhile, though i’ve managed to come up with like, 1000 things I’M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING.

So, I"m trying to get with the program today and actually email people to start these stories. So far, I have 11 on my to-do list. That’s one short of my record, which was 12. I’m doing yet another blog story, this time on religious blogs. Another one on caramel apples, one on Halloween treats, one on adoption shopping for your baby at a flea market.

Nobody has emailed me back yet. Maybe thats because its Friday? Or do you think they just hate me? Wah, I always have such nice emails even …

Is that a metal rod in your mouth or are you just happy to see me?

Friday, October 3rd, 2003

Everybody has a crazy friend (and often, that person is ME!) But anyway, wouldn’t this guy be fun to have around at parties? Esp if you’re making shishkabobs?

Barbie on crack?

Friday, October 3rd, 2003

Okay, why would anyone put up self promoting billboards? I mean, dont you actually have to DO something??

So, the chick who does just that in LA is running for Governor. who isn’t? Whats so funny, though, is that she refused to get out of her pink corvette. Just sat there and opened the door twice within two hours.

I guess it worked. I mean, hello, I’m writing about her. Damn self promotion. I fall victim to it every time!

missing a baby, anyone?

Friday, October 3rd, 2003

Does anyone watch Friends?? Well, I do and now that I’m out of college I try to NEVER miss an episode.

Remember last season when it was all about the baby? I hated that. It annoyed me. But, whats annoying THIS season is that the baby doesnt exist. Ross and Rachel are in the same room…no baby. Where’s the baby?

Monica and Chandler are at some people’s house and Phoebe is with her brother. They don’t have any other friends. Where in the sam hell is the baby??

You asked for it

Friday, October 3rd, 2003

Okie dokie, I took a self portrait pic of my hair last night but was too lazy to upload and download the shiznit onto my computer.

Soo….

for now this is what my hair looks like. I LOVE IT!! IT’S SOOOO AWESOME AND FUN! And, if I don’t “do” it, it sticks straight up because of my cowlicks!

fat guy in a little coat

Thursday, October 2nd, 2003

I have short hair and a 401-K plan. I wonder what THAT means….

who needs a spanking?

Wednesday, October 1st, 2003

I have

dont quit my day job

Wednesday, October 1st, 2003

in honor of the poet I just interviewed, Here is Beardogg’s first poem since the age of eight. Please laugh and enjoy yourselves.

Wishes
They can happen to you
If you have lots of money
For the rest of us,
a dream
doesn’t mean a thing
it’s like the ring
of the phone
say no one’s home
when i get there
will i know it
i know you
i know it might be true
to listen to those
who say
it can happen to you
cause its happened to them
but then again,
on a whim
to quit it all
and take my fall
for a wish
not on a star
but on a wall

Swoosh

Wednesday, October 1st, 2003

At 6pm tonight, my hair is going “bye bye!”

A hairy encounter

Wednesday, October 1st, 2003

Okay all, please follow my instruction and click on this link.

Then go down to the third item– “Selma Zapped” and click on it once. A picture of Selma Blair should appear in the box on the left. I wanna do my hair like THAT. What do YOU think??

Happy Happy Joy Joy

Wednesday, October 1st, 2003

Hey! What are YOU smiling about???

I smell gas…

Wednesday, October 1st, 2003

Okay, so yesterday, when I woke up, my husband asked me if I smelled gas. I said “A little.”

So I came home at about noon for lunch and the smell was now REALLY strong. So I called the gas company who said there wasn’t a leak. So, we opened our windows and the smell goes away. But within 5 minutes of closing them, the smell is back!! It smells like gas or gasoline or something. Its very strong, gives you a headache and once you’ve been in the smell for about 5 seconds, you cant smell it anymore.

But, what is it? We had to sleep with our bedroom cordoned off last night– door shut, pillow covering the bottom of …


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