Archive for August, 2003

Today is the greatest…

Friday, August 29th, 2003

It’s one of those days.

A Friday, which means that this day is longer than any other day, except Monday. Except this is the Friday before a Monday holiday, which makes the day even longer than before.

She sits at her desk. Goes to Starbucks. Reads every possible web site out there. She calls Germany for an interview with an Australian women (an Australian in Germany? They have those?) and finds out the lady doesn’t want her name used. She won’t say why.

She learns the latest office gossip: The only female photographer got fired yesterday. She (as in SJ) suggests The Men are trying to oust The Women. She thinks its working.

She eats her soup, only to find out it is …

Jessica Simpson update

Friday, August 29th, 2003

Okay. One more. How can I not post this picture of Jessica Simpson??

Oh, I saw the second episode of her show yesterday. When her husband, Nick, was auditioning dancers, she decided to go buy lingere to get his attention. So she buys 2 bras, 2 panties. Doesn’t look at the price tag for some odd reason. She picks up the phone and calls Nick (while he’s out to eat with the dancers…hmm) and says “Oh no! My undies cost $750! And there’s a no return policy!”

Seriously, people. You need to watch this show. She is just that stupid. Its like watching a train wreck in really slow motion. With ass shaking involved.

Name that caption

Friday, August 29th, 2003

Hey guys! Let’s come up with a caption for this picture!

A kiss is just a kiss

Friday, August 29th, 2003

In case you’re living under a rock….

Here’s that picture of Britney Spears and Madonna.

Absolutely boring, if you ask me. If they really wanted to shock— why not use tongue? Seriously. This lame ass picture is going to be EVERYWHERE today and its not even much to look at.

Get these girls a burqua.

Friday, August 29th, 2003

Good Lord. Do these people ever think about looking in a MIRROR???

Avril Lavigne is about the size of one of Kelly Osbourne’s legs. Oh, and Kelly. when people say you’re a good role model—-
they mean that you’re fat and okay with it.

Yawn, change channel

Thursday, August 28th, 2003

I’m watching the MTV VMAs..

stupid. stupid. stupid. #1. They don’t have videos, but I digress.

So I got to see Madonna/Britney/Christina’s stupid “Like a Virgin” intro. wow, did you see that open mouth kiss? Oh, you didn’t? Because it WAS LAME. Boring. I kiss my grandma with more enthuasiam than that.

I will tell you what’s going through my mind when I saw that one—
“How many herpes got passed through the mouths of those three?”

Hopefully the show will get better. I’m sure to keep you updated on it. Why not just have the MTV TV show awards??

Across the pond…

Thursday, August 28th, 2003

I just called and spoke to Big Name British Author.

No, javamama. Its not JK Rowling. But, its a book that’s on your wish list. I was shaking as I dailed the number. So worried to call. I love the book. Also, I’m a novelist wannabe so just dialing and talking to someone who has my dream job is just like…so awe inspiring. Like– what have THEY done that I haven’t? She was really nice, really talkative. The interview is Tuesday.

That means I have to finish this book— soon. I can’t believe I just talked to her. Wow.

Mrs. Clean

Thursday, August 28th, 2003

Darn it. I just spent awhile filling out this long “how do you clean” form from oprah. then my stupid ass hits the close button and I lose it.

That’s what I get for trying to scroll back up to see how funny I am. Blah.

Fast times at Beardogg High

Wednesday, August 27th, 2003

This is via TBone…. He gave me some very hard questions!!

1. If you could write an article about anything you wanted to, and the entire world would read it, what would be the topic? Who would be your primary source?
—Oh. My. Gosh. Are we serious here??? Ok, I already write about what I want to, so I�d probably have to say Christianity. I think it is very misunderstood as in �Being a Christian is so outdated and Goldie Hawn is a Buddhist so that�s what I�m going to do.� I think there are waaay too many hypocrites about there that make it look bad. My primary source? I�ll make it an editorial. ME.

2. If you were determining their …

Oh no

Tuesday, August 26th, 2003

Hello. I have a cold today. Which one of you gave it to me???

I’m “working from home"— no, actually– I really have to work. That’s the problemo with newspapers– sometimes you have stuff that’s due and you have to get it done.

So I may or may not be posting today.

More fun than a box of tacos.

Monday, August 25th, 2003

For those of you who don’t know (oh wait, that’s all of you.) I did away with my birth control.

**Note– extremely “girly personal” info here. If you don’t like cooters, please look away.

Yes, I’m not on anything. To date, I’ve tried The Pill (every kind possible), the ring (ick) and the IUD (remember my SURGERY??) and none of them worked. It seems as if my body is more tempermental than I originally thought.

So finally, after taking the pill YET AGAIN and almost driving my husband insane (it turned me into a psycho biznitch) I decided to go off the pill. I started taking my temperature every day to determine ovulation and we also use jimmy caps, but not exactly …

Sex and the doggie

Monday, August 25th, 2003

Out of the two dogs in this picture, I prefer the one on the right.

Fun Fun Fun!

Sunday, August 24th, 2003

The Sarcastic Journalist goes to a water park. Hilarity ensues….

I just got back from a local water park. We got there at 10am today to have fun in the sun in the land of water parks.

My husband somehow managed to lose the key to our locker, which sucked. The locker people made us pay for yet another locker, which cost us$14 total. So basically, we start acting like goofy teens in the park.

Examples:
1. In a “toilet bowl” ride (basically the water goes around in a circle really fast) we start acting vile– lets just say it looks like we were humping (there was 3 of us) and I ended up getting used as an weapon b/w my husband and his …

Star wars kid attacks

Friday, August 22nd, 2003

Okay, all. I have seen the “Star Wars Kid” video awhile ago at my house. If you don’t know who he is– he’s this dorky fat kid who filmed himself with a “light saber.” (Okay, it was a golf ball retriever or something.) He’s clumsy and it’s just so freaking funny. He hits himself with it. He runs into walls. He falls down.

Now Star Wars Kids’ parents are suing the parents of the kid who put the video on the internet to begin with. Seems as if the nerd didn’t want the video to get out.

So, you know you want to see this. Go here for a good laugh.

And, as always, may the force be with …

every day is a winding road, I get a little bit closer.

Friday, August 22nd, 2003

Woo hoo! My Mom finally finished reading/revising/offering tips on my novel last night.

She loved it! Said the ending was great!

I’m a bad girl

Thursday, August 21st, 2003

Fight Club!
What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!) brought to you by Quizilla

Insert sarcastic remark here

Thursday, August 21st, 2003

Welcome to the new Jessica Simpson blog. When she says something stupid, I’m posting it here.

One of my new favorites?

“It’s about being worthy to feel beautiful in your own skin,” she says of the title song. “On my last record I weighed like 102 pounds and I was still told that I needed to be smaller. You hear that kind of stuff all the time, and that’s what the song is about: You’ve gotta just love yourself for who you are.”

Yeah, thanks biznitch. My 130 pound ass could eat you for breakfast. Shut up.

But, I can’t WAIT to see the camping episode:

The program, Lachey says, has given the couple a chance to spend large amounts of …

Bow wow wow yippy yo yippy yea

Thursday, August 21st, 2003

This is via E! Online:

“I had a bitch, but we never had sex. I don’t really like sex anymore. I have jewelry now.”
Skin-for-sale queen Heidi Fleiss, on life during and after prison

Taco, burrito. What’s coming out of your speedo?

Thursday, August 21st, 2003

Umm…I usually buy a Baja Chiken Gordita or a bean burrito at taco bell. What does that mean for me??? Who does my vote go to?

Insert “nah nah nah” here

Wednesday, August 20th, 2003

(Start happy dance) It seems as if American kids aren’t the only fat ones anymore.

Turns out our overseas friends are also getting a little pudgy in the midsection.

Call us fat, lazy. Well, sub saharan Africa…look who’s lazy NOW! (twiddles mustache) Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!

(End happy dance. Continue silent smirk.)

Get freaky

Wednesday, August 20th, 2003

For all you Days of Our Lives fans….

Possibly a new addiction

Wednesday, August 20th, 2003

Oh, yall. I saw the “Newlyweds: Jessica and Nick” last night on MTV. I laughed my little white ass off, let me tell you. I’m so glad I stayed up for this show.

Jessica Simpson is CLUELESS. Seriously. The girl can’t pick up after herself, doesn’t understand how to do very simple things (empty flower vases, do laundry) etc. She’s married to a complete neat freak who, says some interesting crap about her. Lets just put it this way: If my husband ever talked about me like that, we’d have some major issues.

She can’t do crap. She talks about how hard marriage is. She wants a maid. Eventually, they hire one. This girl does NOTHING all day long. Oh, and …

Adventures in potted meat

Wednesday, August 20th, 2003

Okay, why am I still getting spammed? 59 spams last night. I may usually get one. Literally every minute I’m getting a new one. Blah.

But anyway, onto the real fun stuff. We went to a movie last night for me to review. The medallion, if you must know. And it sucked. Plain and simple. Don’t waste your time. It’s getting an F from me.

So anyway, they brought in these people to do karate before the movie. It was one of those times that even though I wasn’t doing anything embarrassing, I was still very embarrassed.

So this kid pulls out a wooden cane and he is supposed to fight this girl with it. Before they even start, the loser …

“LOSER!”

Tuesday, August 19th, 2003

From the class of this entire wedding (18-year-old bride who got arrested after throwing crap at her own wedding) I bet her honeymoon was just as tacky.

She probably went to Atlantic City or something really romantic.

PS– love the tattoos and the really ugly dress.

what a mess!

Tuesday, August 19th, 2003

Back in the day, I used to dive for coins in a pool.

Greed

Tuesday, August 19th, 2003

Good Lord. Looks like we get yet another reunion between Britney spears and Justin Timberlake.

Seems as if the two will reunite for a GAP ad. For only 1.6 mil? That’s like me hooking up with an ex for like $10. That’s just not enough. remember the good old days when Britney was everywhere? Now she’s really sinking low. First she’s nude in a magazine. then the whole “Not a virgin” thingie. Interviews. Now a GAP Ad with her ex???

Seems like this crusty old pop tart’s shelf life is waaaaay past its expiration date.

I like my spam on bread.

Tuesday, August 19th, 2003

What did I do wrong?

I hardly ever get spam at work. Since I’ve been here this morning, I’ve probably gotten at least 15 spam emails in 50 minutes. whats up with this??

Rich AND famous

Tuesday, August 19th, 2003

Besides being famous, I’m now also rich. That is, I’m rich if you consider a 4% pay raise a big deal. It averages out to about $1,000 extra a year, so that’s not too bad. At least they remembered to pay me.

Interview with a journalist

Monday, August 18th, 2003

I asked for it, and a few of you answered. I’ll post my answers here and if I get more questions, I’ll add them along.

Why did you decide to become a journalist? And, why are you working where you work? Why features?—
—I fell into Journalism by accident. I worked on my college paper and ended up covering the Bonfire tragedy. I then was able to outscoop all the papers in the nation and get a story that no one else was able to do. My mom told me I had to get a job at Christmas and I worked at a local paper. I ended up liking it and here I am. FEATURES? Because they’re the best. I hate …

Autograph, anyone?

Monday, August 18th, 2003

Today I came home from work and pulled out a borrowed Sex in the City DVD (first time viewer) and pulled out my canvas and paints.

I was just in the middle of my “Professor Chaos” series when I got a phone call. It’s official. I’ve been picked up BY THE ASSOCIATED PRESS! Woo hoo! Look for my byline: The Sarcastic Journalist.

Its called stress medicine for a reason

Monday, August 18th, 2003

Ugg. I’m out of “stress medicine.” That means that I can feel that tight pain in my chest as I sit here at work, procrastinating.
I’m currently on hold with Major Medical Hospital as I contact their billing services about my bill. Seems as if they actually want me to PAY!

I called in and got one of those computers that sound like a person who is supposed to answer your questions. They never do. You’re supposed to say your account number clearly.

Well, it turns out she doesnt like the sound of me sighing. She’s all “I’m sorry, I didn’t understand you. Please repeat.”

She also doesn’t like it when I mutter the F-word. Then I yell again at computer voice woman, and …

Fame and fortune

Monday, August 18th, 2003

I hear that the AP is wanting a copy of a photo that ran with a story of mine that came out today. I wonder if I’m going to get picked up by the AP?!?!?!?!?!?!!!

I’ll be google newsing myself all day long.

INTERACTIVE BLOG DAY

Monday, August 18th, 2003

I’m going to have a non-contest contest today.

“What,” you say. “A non contest-contest?” Yes.
I’m tired of interviewing people. Of always learning about others. So today, my faithful two readers, I’m turning the tables.

You, yes you, get to interview ME. As in moi. So, the concept is simple:

You read my blog. Maybe you think I’m psycho or self absorbed. Maybe you want to know why my Mom married my stepfather. Maybe you want to ask some question about journalists in particular. Maybe you want to know more about my job or what I don’t do all day. Maybe you want to know why I think I’m so freaking cool or funny.

So, ask away. Either by comment or email. The better …

The journalists go marching one by one

Monday, August 18th, 2003

Okay. So today is my first full day after Friday’s evaluation.

Remember? I don’t smile enough? So I’ve been busy putting on fake smiles all morning long, while secretly thinking in my head “You dumb assholes. Fake smile this.”

I’ve tried to ignore our overweight food writer (who loves hot dogs) as he yells into the phone (it seems as if he thinks he’s not doing his job if everyone in a 30-mile radius can’t hear him.)

If I walk past a boss, I now offer a fake “hello” along with my fake plastered smile. The only problem is I keep finding stupid things on the internet that make me want to gag.

So, I’m trying to only read HAPPY things (such …

What’s wrong with THIS picture?

Monday, August 18th, 2003

One of these things is not like the other. One of these things does not belong.

Mother knows best…about your sex life.

Monday, August 18th, 2003

I would have KILLED my mother if she did this.

basically, mom takes applications for dates for her daughter. Supposondly the daughter marries the winner. So, what’s on the agenda for the FIRST DATE?

“The young couple will then enjoy a romantic night at a Cuddle and Bubble motel in Cape Cod, complete with an in-room Jacuzzi and a heart-shaped bed.”

Um, my husband and I went to the movies for our first date. Nominations for the stupidest mother of the year award, anyone?

craigslist blackout edition

Monday, August 18th, 2003

All those horney kids up in the NE are now going to Craigslist for their blackout missed connections.

“You were with a blue skirt, puma bag, and two friends. We were crossing the Manhattan Bridge the day of the black out. I though maybe we had shared some glances.”

Dude, get over it. It’s not a missed connection. It is that she was giving you the eye because she and her friends realized you were a pathetic loser who was stalking them.

As you followed her over the Brooklyn Bridge, they looked around, hoping to find a police officer or big burly man to save them. She made eye contact, hoping to scare you off.

We all have dreams

Monday, August 18th, 2003

I have a dream… okay I had a dream. Last night.

I was going to prom and my date bailed on me. So, my friends set me up. With one of The Golden Girls.

That’s Bea Arthur, in case you were absent from the majority of the eighties. Anyway, she wore a red dress. I didn’t want her to be my date, she didn’t seem like much fun.

Oh baby, punch my buttons

Sunday, August 17th, 2003

I really don’t understand those commericials about dating phone services. I mean, really. Does anyone think the person at the other end of the line is going to be hot?

It’s always some pretty woman who is like “I’ve tried the bars but it was horrible. Now I sit at home at night and I’m happy!”

Lets say how it really is:

“I used to go to the bars, but now I sit at home and talk to some 50-year-old married nerd who is wanking it while we make idle chit chat. But its okay, because i’m really obese and am covered head to toe in warts!”

Umm, hello??

Friday, August 15th, 2003

Okay, three people have been shot sniper style at convienance stores in West Virginia….but the real MAIN news on Fox News is that the NE people have their power back.

Yeah. Stupid. As long as it’s not in a big city, who cares?

Questions comments? Talk behind my back, please.

Friday, August 15th, 2003

I just got evaluated. My boss didn’t say I slack off too much. Overall, I’m doing an 8.5/10 which isn’t too bad.

The real fun part of the evaluation was other’s perceptions of me. Turns out that nobody likes me. Ok, well, nobody of importance likes me. Yeah. The bosses. They don’t like my humor, my sarcasam, my funny comments.

My boss says I’m energetic. He thinks I liven up the newsroom. Others think not so and basically want me to smile and pretend to be an ass kisser like everyone else.

Can’t we all tell how excited I am? I’m surprised I didn’t cry, even though I thought I felt tears coming on at one point. It’s a bunch of bureaucracy. It’s …

That’s the night when the lights went out in Georgia

Friday, August 15th, 2003

Ok, so NYC doesn’t have power. So don’t many other cities. But all I see on the news is NYC. Since when did half of the NE population not matter anymore?

Yes, it sucks. You don’t have power. Last Dec. my state didn’t have power for UP TO 12 DAYS. And IT WAS SNOWING OUTSIDE. There wasn’t major breaking news. Nobody gave a rats ass about us. I really do feel for people stuck in elevators and subways and the people in hospitals who need power.

But, I do not live in NYC. Why are we forced to listen to press conferences on the radio about it? And, TV news. Lets think about it. If you have TV– you have power. This …

Encounters with the salesman

Friday, August 15th, 2003

I’m sitting here as one of those vaccum salesman vaccums our living room floor.

Seriously. Somehow my husband let him in and now he’s pulling up our carpet fibers with the vaccum. Our house is a mess, since we just got back from vacation. He’s vaccuming around our crap. Its very uncomfortable.
We’re not buying this vaccum.
He says he has to do three of these before he can go home for the day.
I think its time for him to go home. I didn’t know they had people who ACTUALLY DO THIS.

Okay, the vaccum costs $2100. I’m not shitting you. Its a good vaccum..but that much money??? He gets credited for the number of “pads” he uses to vaccum but …

Its getting dark in here

Thursday, August 14th, 2003

Reason number 2,701 why it is a good idea to go to the bathroom before you leave work.

How many people stuck in subways and elevators are thinking that same thing?

Is it fate?

Thursday, August 14th, 2003

I believe in fate. I belive things are meant to happen for a reason. I believe in God and His divine hand interviening in my life, though I don’t always expect for it to happen.

So, i ask myself. Are today’s happenings fate? Would my husband call me and say **edited– people from his work read this** say he’s unhappy at work just a few minutes after I speak to my Mom about changing careers?

What does this all mean? Why do I feel that my job doesn’t matter anymore? Why am I bored of it? Am I just being a whiney brat? Why would I wait until I’ve worked somewhere for a year and then start thinking this?

If I wanted to …

The gift that keeps on giving

Thursday, August 14th, 2003

Oh boy, I can’t wait to get a subscription to this Martha Stewart magazine.

I can’t wait to read about removing pesty blood stains from prison garb.

We wish you a merry sex life

Thursday, August 14th, 2003

Oh boy! Where can I get me some of these??? Tis the season…to put a Santa on your weenie.

Try something new

Wednesday, August 13th, 2003

You know, it makes sense in some weird Australian way. They’re suggesting (okay, we don’t really care who they are, but whatever) that old women become…get this… LESBIANS!

Now, I just have to decide who I send this to first. My own 80-year-old grandma or my husband’s 95-year-old great grandma. I guess I’ll go with his, because you know, she’s getting up there and might want a good time while she can still have one.

Put a lid on it.

Wednesday, August 13th, 2003

I hear it works better if the bag isn’t see through.

Pressure. Pushing down on me. Pressing down on you.

Wednesday, August 13th, 2003

I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the vacation. I just don’t want to work. I don’t want to be here. I just wish I were a professional novelist already.

I have to explain to people all the time that its not that I hate my job, because I don’t. Its that I’m not suited for this type of work ethic. I have a bad work ethic. I’m creative. This isn’t.

I know i’m doing well. But its hard, I guess I start to feel like “poor little rich girl.” Oh, poor me. I have a good job right out of college. Like, I have a friend whose main problem was that her parents wanted to bring her to Vegas on her …

Left lane closed. Merge to the right.

Wednesday, August 13th, 2003

Ugg. I’m back from my vacation to Tejas. Yes, I had a wonderful, fun filled time that I’ll get into later. But, for now, I’m in the mood to blog about something else.

Anyway, we had one of THOSE flights today. You know, its a tiny ass little airplane that we get to ride in to fly literally 1/2 way across the country. The puddle jumper with lawnchairs for seats. So, we get on the plane late - that should be the first sign, after offering to give up our seats for free tickets if we take a later flight, though they didn’t need us to do so (they never do.)

We sit on the runway for an hour. That’s an hour …


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