Archive for the 'Letters to People I Don't Know' Category

Letter to Brit

Thursday, April 14th, 2005

According to Corrie, you can send a congrats letter to Brit and K-Fed. Didn’t you hear? They’re having a “Cletus the Fetus!”
How exciting! That’s what the world needs, you know, more trailer trash babies.
So I went and wrote a letter. Hopefully all my pregnancy and lots of money jealousy didn’t seep through.
Dear B and K,
Ha! […]


Monday, March 14th, 2005

Dear women in the Oprah audience,
I’d first like to say hello since anytime Oprah says “hello” to you,
you start screaming like a gaggle of wild banshees. You make it seem
as if your life, including marriage, baby making and jobs, has meant
nothing up until this point when Oprah walked down a […]

I didn’t plan on getting herpes for free…

Friday, March 4th, 2005

Dear Old Navy,
I know you’re busy keeping the prices low and stuff and I reallly appreciate it. My new capris? Totally awesome. More people should have blue pants.
Anyway, the dressing rooms. Today, I was in the dressing room with my kid. And, of course, the one time I didn’t bring her diaper bag with me, […]


Friday, March 4th, 2005

Dear teenage girls:
So your boyfriend says he “loves you” and that he thinks you are “special.” He calls you “pretty” and says how you’ll be “together forever.”
That is, you’ll be together forever as long as you boink him.
Don’t listen to the lie! If five teenage boys would have sex with this woman:

…then do you […]

Dear Kirstie,

Monday, January 31st, 2005

Dear Kirstie Alley,
Hey! How’s it going? So you’re making a comeback. You’ve got this new show in the works called “Fat Actress” and Oprah had NATE decorate your kitchen, even though you could totally afford it and he should have redecorated MY HOUSE but whatever.
Personally, I never thought you were gone. You did those […]

Dear Oprah…

Wednesday, November 10th, 2004

Dear Oprah:
I know that you’re doing this “Before and After Natural Makeover” thing today. So you have these people and you show a before picture and then they eat salad while standing on one leg before rubbing organic mustard all over their crotch and Bam! Ten years younger!
The problem with this is that in the […]

Caught off guard

Monday, October 25th, 2004

Dear Ashlee Simpson:
Even though I found myself watching repeats of your show when my baby was first born, I find you annoying. So, I didn’t feel too sorry for you when you got caught lip-synching on Saturday Night Live. I saw a tiny clip of it and saw how you tried to act all “cool” […]

Dear MK, Ash misses you!

Wednesday, October 20th, 2004

Dear Skinny Olsen Twin,
Hi, I know you have a lot of money. You have more money than anyone who has money would know what to do with. You probably have enough money that you could wipe your bony ass with $100 and not feel the pain.
But you decided to go to college anyway and I […]

Hello, stop it.

Monday, October 18th, 2004

Dear nature:
What is up? First it is 93 degrees F outside with HIGH humidity. In October! Then there was that big old spider in my truck. A spider! In my truck! While I’m driving! And then I come home and there’s a misquito following me around, buzzing my head. A misquito! In […]

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