Archive for the 'Boob Tube Babble' Category

I got your Gauntlet right here, biotch.

Tuesday, December 27th, 2005

There are two typs of people in this world: Those who don’t really watch that much TV and those of us who must have it on at all times. Okay, well The Amish too, but they don’t count.

In case you couldn’t figure out, I must have the TV on at all times.

Since we are po’, we don’t have magical things such as TIVO/DVR, digital cable or satellite. We just have plain old cheap cable, which, in case you didn’t know, doesn’t come with an up to date “guide.”

That means I have to flip through the channels to decide what I want. So stone age, isn’t it? (Heck, it beats the rabbit ears we had for awhile, so I’m not complaining.)

I …

Reality

Wednesday, October 19th, 2005

With the exception of MTV’s “Real World,” I think the “Reality Craze” started coming along when I was in college. I didn’t watch any of the shows at the time because “Why would I watch reality TV? Boring.” It didn’t matter, however, because I would hear my professors talking about “Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?”

Once I realized that Reality TV is way cool, I totally went out and found myself a millionaire. That’s right, The Hubs and I met on a TV show. None of you have seen it, though, because they only ended up showing it in Uganda.

After we returned from our honeymoon, I decided to catch up. I’m all up on the reality shows now. Well, not …

You say it with an R, not a W

Tuesday, January 4th, 2005

To my parents:

I want to thank you for making me take speech therapy from when I was three to when I was ten. At the time, I thought it sucked. But today, I was watching MTV’s TV show “Made” where this girl had a horrible speech problem and I was like “Woo hoo! That’s not me!”

Love,
The Sarcastic Journalist

Keeping it real(ly lame)

Friday, November 26th, 2004

Since I’m lame, I have to show you the lyrics from a Very Special Episode of The Family Guy.

Oh my fat baby loves to eat
A big old budda belly and a breast wing past the feet
My fat baby loves to eeeaaat
My big old fat ass baby loves to eat

Stop drop and roll over and die

Monday, November 22nd, 2004

You. Stop what you are doing. Turn on TV. Oprah’s favorite things are on. What does that mean?? THE SCREAMING WOMEN!

Please watch the show and come back to do some screamer bashing*.

*Yes, I know they are teachers. But they are screaming and therefore, we must say “Stop the screaming, bitches!” So don’t give me some teacher yadda yadda. I don’t want to hear it.

UPDATES:
The bitches are getting flat screen TVs. My little TV hates you.

spot the spot

Friday, November 19th, 2004

Today’s fun TV quote: (It is about men.)

“They can’t find their socks, do you expect them to find ‘the spot?’”

Take this baby and shove it out

Friday, November 5th, 2004

Today’s fun “A Baby Story” phrase: “Shove that baby out!”

Giddy-up!

Tuesday, October 26th, 2004

So The View (TV show) is in Dallas this week. As in Dallas, Texas. Let me tell you, I’m getting a little annoyed at how they keep portraying Texas. Cowboys, cowboy boots and cows. Oh, and excess! Excessivly furry outfits and who knows what else.

I’m not sure what Texas they are visiting but it is not my version. Here, in Houston, there are cows, BUT THEY ARE OUT IN THE COUNTRY. If you go out of town to visit another city, yes, you’ll see some cows. But you’ll also see malls and shopping centers and houses as well.

I NEVER see people wearing cowboy boots. I am 24 years old, almost 25, have lived in Texas for 22 of those years …

Keeping it real….

Wednesday, October 20th, 2004

Word I learned from watching TV: Homo-Thug

“I’ve dated homo-thugs, I’ve dated Wall Street types…”

Not in your wildest dream…

Monday, October 18th, 2004

I’m going to have to devote a whole new category to Oprah if things keep going the way they do.

I found this story over at theCelebrity Babies Blog who I think found it from the Chicago Sun Times.

Oprah managed to piss off a bunch of women pregnant with twins who were specially invited to be in the studio audience of the taping of Julia Roberts show. Thirty-seven pregnant women (25 of which were expecting twins) were invited to supposedly be more favorable towards the pregnant with twins Julia but they expected the show to be more focused on high-risk pregnancies, or at least pregnancy in general.

One of the expectant mothers, Christina Lopez-Strother, complained, “We got nothing. I had to …

Sit down and shut up!

Monday, October 11th, 2004

In case you missed today’s Oprah big baby shower:

Bunches of knocked up bitches, jumping up and down. “Holy shit! A diaper genie! Holy shit! A carrier! Holy shit! A onesie!”

I’m glad she’s helping you out and stuff, but good grief, it IS JUST STUFF. Just stuff. You probably won’t use half of it and the rest of it your child will crap on within the first month.

Sit down bitches. I know you’re not that excited about the Tennessee Titans Cheerleaders. How do I know? Because, when you are pregnant, the last thing you wanna do is see some perky little biznitch with perky tits and a waist jumping up and down.

PS– I’m sure that the last thing a woman in …

Today’s funny tv moment

Monday, October 11th, 2004

“They’re a pretty patriotc country, for being Canada.”

What men want.

Wednesday, October 6th, 2004

When a guy on The Real World Says: “Well, uh, the timing sucks and uh I’m just here and the timing sucks” when referring to breaking up with his girlfriend, he really means

“Uh, there’s this roommate who I wanna bang and well, uh, I don’t feel like being labeled a cheater.”

Getting with the program.

Wednesday, September 29th, 2004

Since I’m up, I’m getting to watch The Today Show! Oh boy!

You know what I HATE about the Today Show besides Katie Couric’s ability to turn every interview into something about herself???

The outside portion. Where Al Roker or that other guy who talks about old people’s birthdays goes and talks to the people who hold up signs.

These people just don’t get it. You’re supposed to say “Hi!” That’s it. Not “Hi I’m from California and I love chocolate and my friend just had a baby and Hi Mom! And I wanna see Rent on Broadway and I just LOVE Katie Couric’s hair!”

So awkard is it that I often find myself muting or changing the channel when this portion comes on. …

…While I wait for someone to fix our toilet….

Tuesday, September 21st, 2004

Is it me, or do people who go on reality TV decorating shows act like they don’t want to be there?

I’m watching “Designed To Sell” on HGTV and the female owner is subconsciously shaking her head “no” as the designer says what needs to be done.

I swear she thinks that her 1980s decor is Just. So. Hot. So. Freaking. Hot.

Then why in the hell is No Lady on this show?

What I really find funny about this show is that you get the designer to come into your place and tell you how much it sucks. Then you go and fix it up to sell it off so someone else can enjoy your pretty new place. And then you …

Just ignore me….

Thursday, August 26th, 2004

I want to be on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Just so you know.


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