Archive for the 'Daily Blabberings' Category

Minority Report

Sunday, February 5th, 2006

Not long after we recieved a TV for Christmas, The Hubs pointed out that it has a “favorites” button. He showed me how to program my favorite stations into the TV. I only have four favorites, which I’m not sure is a good or bad thing.

Man, I’m lucky we have that button because I don’t think I could bring myself to actually flip through the stations to see yet another episode of “Made.”

Besides MTV and HGTV, I also have both TLC and Discovery Health programed into my favorites. In my 26 years of TV-watching experience, I noticed that the shows go through cycles. For awhile, it was the “Trading Spaces” type shows where everyone had to decorate their neighbor’s house. …

Examinator

Wednesday, February 1st, 2006

When I was in the sixth grade, I read a book about a boy whose brother had leukemia. I don’t remember too much of the story but I do remember that the little brother died. Somehow, after reading that book, I decided that I had leukemia.

I had a lot of bruises. Nevermind that I was clumsy and pale-skinned, those bruises meant that I was sick. I was also tired sometimes. Tiredness? Totally sick!

I didn’t really understand what it meant to have cancer but it seemed like I’d get a vacation from school. Also, people would pay attention to me and I’d get lots of ice cream and stuff.

We all know that cancer is just about ice cream, right? Commence eye …

Richers…

Monday, January 23rd, 2006

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from watching TV and reading magazines, it is that rich people are so insightful.

Take The Oprah Magazine, for example. (Not that I read it, and if I do, well you can’t prove it.) There’s always a section where Oprah shares her fabulous wisdom with us little people. Each month, I, I mean, the reader, gets to read something like “You could be a poor slave living in a mud hut, eating worms for dinner, but as long as you have your self worth and a book, that’s all you need.”

I have a feeling said worm eating slave might differ.

Rich people are always giving out insights into their life like that, like my knowing that …

You have ruined me and for that, I am thankful.

Sunday, January 22nd, 2006

It is seven p.m., and The Hubs and I sit inside an empty pizza parlor. I’m wearing a “fancy” black top with a flowered skirt and he wears his new cords.

“Are you using those witch hazel pads when you go to the bathroom,” he asks as the rain pours down outside. It is a rare night out, Ellie is at my Mom’s house and we’re using the hour to eat dinner without anyone screaming at the table.

“Well, you know, you see, yeah, sometime.”

“You’re not using them?”

“I use them if I have hemorrhoids but not all the time. But– get this– today, I’m sitting on the bed and all of a sudden I think that I have The Rhoids again. So, …

They’re Just Not That Into You

Tuesday, January 17th, 2006

I met up with the fabulous Paige this past weekend for Pie. Somehow during the phone conversations leading up to the meeting, Miss Domestic herself mentioned how she planned on heading to the circle jerk known as BlogHer. She thought that maybe I wanted to go.

I’ll tell you what, it does sound kind of fun to meet up for a weekend with all the ladies that I read on the internet. We could drink, go out to eat and act silly. But, going to a conference? About BLOGGING?

Perhaps I’m just not that into it, but why would I want to confer on blogging? There’s nothing I really want to learn that much. I mean, if anything, I want to talk …

Snip Snap To It

Monday, January 16th, 2006

While exiting the doctor’s office the other day, I heard the nurse trying to explain to a woman on the phone how to put “The Ring” in. I heard her saying that she’s never heard of “The Ring” falling out.

I wanted to tap her on the shoulder and say yes, “The Ring” can fall out and I’m proof. I do not know why I keep using quotations. I guess it is fun.

From the conversations I’ve had with other gals, they seem to think I enjoy throwing caution to the wind and not dealing with birth control. It is not that at all. The problem is that Birth Control Doesn’t Like Me.

I spent way too much time shoving my hand down …

Babies In Toyland

Thursday, January 5th, 2006

I always considered myself a minimalist when it came to babies and kiddos. Well, before I had Ellie, I think I said things such as “Toys? Who needs toys?” and “The only thing my baby needs is my love and a little imagination.”

Let me tell you this, a little imagination does not fill 24 hours in a day. A little imagination also does not let you go #2 on your own.

Next thing I know, I have a house full of borrowed baby equipment: A playmat and a bouncy seat and some thing that babies bat at to keep themselves occupied.

Overall, we’ve been pretty good about not buying too much “stuff” for our daughter. Why would we when we have …

Reader

Sunday, January 1st, 2006

When I was a little girl, I prided myself on being a “reader.” I guess its not really hard when all you read is The Ramona Quimby books and The Babysitters Club books.

By the way, at one point I started my own Babysitters Club. I was the only member and didn’t have any clients! I did, however, make my own poster. It was pretty darn neat, if I say so myself.

By the time I got to high school, I had pretty much stopped reading for fun. Who had the time to read “for fun” when you could be throwing toilet paper into trees or filling up condoms with shaving cream? Ditto with college except replace throwing toilet paper into …

I got your Gauntlet right here, biotch.

Tuesday, December 27th, 2005

There are two typs of people in this world: Those who don’t really watch that much TV and those of us who must have it on at all times. Okay, well The Amish too, but they don’t count.

In case you couldn’t figure out, I must have the TV on at all times.

Since we are po’, we don’t have magical things such as TIVO/DVR, digital cable or satellite. We just have plain old cheap cable, which, in case you didn’t know, doesn’t come with an up to date “guide.”

That means I have to flip through the channels to decide what I want. So stone age, isn’t it? (Heck, it beats the rabbit ears we had for awhile, so I’m not complaining.)

I …

Now Accepting Applications

Monday, December 26th, 2005

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I always enjoy getting to hang with the people who ‘Knew me when.” You know, the friends from high school who ask about that “web site” and the ones that still refer to you with your maiden name?

The girls that saw you in the community shower several smaller bra sizes ago, the ones whose parents you knew as well as your own?

My high school friends invited me to a Christmas party on Friday night. Eager to get out with all my single gals, I happily obliged. Of course, I brought Ellie and The Hubs for ten minutes so everyone could see her vast array of vocabulary, including the words “Don’t” and …

If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, please don’t assume you aren’t having duck for dinner.

Thursday, December 15th, 2005

I recieved a call yesterday, from the doctor’s office. At the time I answered, I was a little frazzled and not really paying attention to what the lady on the phone said. Basically, I heard the word “infection.”

“Do I have an infection?”

The lady sounded distracted, told me “no” then placed me on hold. Okay. If I didn’t have an infection, why did I hear the word “infection?”

Once she returned on the line I asked her to repeat herself. Basically, from what I got out of the conversation, I had peed in a cup and the pee said that I had 10,000+ of something and did it hurt when I peed?

Um, well, it doesn’t burn to pee but I do …

More fun than a ball of twine!

Monday, December 12th, 2005

It is not unusual for me to check the voicemail on my phone and it will tell me “You have 12 new messages.” On one hand, I often do not know if my phone has kicked to voice mail and find out weeks later (it doesn’t like to inform me of new messages), and on the other, I often do not answer.

Why? Because we only have cell phones (no need for land line) and I can’t talk on the phone during the day or I will use up all my “daytime” minutes.

Actual contact with humans, though desired, has fallen by the wayside. What has replaced this, you ask?

NESTING. NESTING. CRAFTS. NESTING. CRAFTS. HOLIDAY PROJECTS.

Internet, I am so damn crafty …

Sweet Hell, Thy Name is Ebay

Monday, December 5th, 2005

Although I don’t consider myself a “shopper,” I don’t mind going out to the mall during the holiday season to find gifts. There’s something about finding the perfect gift in the midst of a thousand other people, all trying to spread a little “Holiday Cheer” while handing over our Visa Cards.

This year, it is different. I don’t want to leave the house. I assume it is because I have a 16-month-old that screams “Don’t!” and doesn’t like to sit in her stroller. I also assume it is because I am 31 weeks pregnant.

I am now an official internet shopper.

Yes, I bought a coffeepot on Drugstore dot com. I also managed to get free shipping, even though my item didn’t …

She probably thinks of Bush’s bush, too.

Thursday, December 1st, 2005

If you ever want to have a good laugh, you should read the “mailbag” section of your favorite magazine. I personally find People Magazine to have a good “mailbag” section because some of the crazies come out and figure out how to put pen to paper and place it in an envelope. Trust me, when the crazies figure out how to communicate with the outside world, man, it is good stuff.

I bring to you today’s favorite letter from Mrs. WC Felder in Florence, Alabama.

First off, who refers to herself as “Mrs. Insert Husband’s Name Here?” Hi, I’m not The Sarcastic Journalist. My real name is “Mrs. The Hubs.”

Uh, I have my own identity and don’t need to hide behind …

Give me some of your tots.

Tuesday, November 29th, 2005

There’s a family out there, you might have heard of them, they are called The Duggars. They’re the people with 16 kids and they have no plans of stopping any time soon.

I could sit here and argue about population control or the fact that the children just seem to be one of the herd, or how they may not get enough “one on one” time or “alone” time but heck, maybe they do.

I just can’t get over The Mom.

I have one kid. She is 16-months-old and likes to say “Don’t.” Sometimes she screams at naptime and she tends to throw the food she doesn’t want at dinner.

How the heck does the lady with 16 kids deal with the screaming? …

The Stakes are High and I Might Just Eat One

Monday, November 21st, 2005

It is becoming a bi-yearly installment on this site for me to talk about flying out-of-state with my child and just how much I’m dreading flying with her. I mean, blah blah blah, she screams and doesn’t sit still and people give us nasty looks and I mentally judge them and think how horrible people they are and how their Moms must have locked them in broom closets when they were younger.

So you get it. Flying with a kiddo sucks.

We are leaving for Tulsa tonight, as Tulsa is the only place we ever go. I am in the midst of my last-minute packing and cleaning and planning and “Just HOW cold is it going to be there and why …

A dedicatin’ we will go

Sunday, November 20th, 2005

I found out on Friday afternoon that we were supposed to attend a dinner at church for our child’s baby dedication. I signed up for the dedication about a month or so ago, via phone, during those precious few moments when my child is not causing me or anyone else bodily harm.

I knew something of the dinner but really, I didn’t think much of it. I thought of it as a “getting to know your fellow baby dedicatin’ parents before the real event.”

Um. No. Turns out that Friday was the actual baby dedication. I found it out Friday afternoon, after it was too late to invite anyone because ha! Food had been ordered and plates had been set and things …

Another reason to use birth control.

Thursday, November 17th, 2005

A day in the life of a pregnant SAHM of a 16-month-old.

8:13 am: Awake to sounds of “mama” filled with babbling.
8:14 am: Drag overly alert child to living room, place in port-a-crib with bottle, turn on that Blasted Barney, and head back to bed.
8:40 am: She’s had enough of Caillou and screams. I enter living room. Put her on couch with me, and fall asleep.
9:15 am: I awake to the fact that she is trying to untangle the knots in my hair.
9:20 am: I awake again to find that she has now brought me her humidifier, which is oddly empty.
9:21 am: Find out that she has also brought me stuffed animals that went swimming in said humidifier.
9:22 am: Guess …

Less like pork, more like chicken

Wednesday, November 16th, 2005

While lying in bed last night, I looked over at The Hubs and said, somewhat out of the blue, “You better be nice to me or I’ll have this baby at home and have it on your side of the bed.”

Kind of like making him lie in the wet spot, if you catch my drift.

Somehow, the topic of home birthing moved onto placentas. I told him of a story I heard about a lady who gave birth at home and then found that her midwife placed her placenta in the freezer.

“Did they eat it?”

No, but I bet there was some surprise when they were looking to thaw something out for dinner.

We have a friend, The Pilot Who Poops, that …

Cuddle This, biotch.

Tuesday, November 15th, 2005

Dear Publishers of “Cuddles the Cow,”

As a parent that is interested in my child’s reading ventures, I have recently looked over a version of your book, “Cuddles the Cow.” In this book, I have learned that Cuddles has a calf that she likes to tickle and make laugh.

My problem with the book comes after the climax, when the children arrive at the farm via big yellow bus. I notice that all “the good children grow up big and strong” from drinking Cuddles’ milk.

My child can not drink cow milk, does that make her less than a good child? How would you like to have to explain to a 16-month-old that the Publishers of a foam-back book consider you a second …

Turns out, the river is 500 miles away

Thursday, November 10th, 2005

Sometimes, I really with that I believed in “The Universe.” Such as “The Universe is using me as a giant portapotty.” or “The Universe wants to tie me to the train tracks and run over me.”

I went to the Birthing Center yesterday. It was nice. It was, you know, a birthing center. Good. While there, I decided “Yes I will have the baby here.”

And then, then, The Universe came into play.

This birthing center is literally 5 minutes away from my house. At times, it could be even closer than the hospital. But? It is not considered “in” my “network” for my insurance.

For those of you not sure of what I mean, it means that my insurance doesn’t play nice with …

Parental Gluttony

Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005

The problem with having Halloween on one day and then moving apartments the next is that it is hard to get your thoughts, pictures and well, self together in order to tell a story.

Thoughts? Not together. House? Not together. Pictures? Somewhere in a box. But, the show must go on.

Things were going well on Monday until The Rainstorm From Hell came in, just in time for Trick or Treating. Several people called me (and by several, I mean my Mom and The Hubs) and asked if we were still going Trick or Treating.

Me: “I don’t care if there is a hailstorm and five feet of water. We will canoe down the street for candy.”

In case you didn’t know, my big …

Friends and Lovers

Wednesday, October 26th, 2005

From what I understand, there are people out there that get easily embarrassed. You know, they have a stain on their shirt and it’s like “Oh no! What will people think?” I could care less about having a stain like that. Falling in public? Done it. Saying totally inappropriate things in front of the “wrong” people? Been there, lived to tell it.

There is one type of situation that leaves me feeling a little embarrassed. I guess I should say part embarrassed, part humble.

When I was ten years old, my family had just moved to White People Land. It was a hard time in my life: We didn’t have hardly any money, my parents had just divorced and both remarried and …

Thread Hanging

Monday, October 24th, 2005

I am tired. I find myself saying “I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t do this.” The only problem is, when you are a parent, the words fall on deaf ears. Nobody can help you and you can’t really do anything that shows the desperation (not depression) you feel.

Maybe I should run away.

How can something you love so much make you so tired?

I think “I can not wake up tomorrow and do this again. I don’t see how I can do it.”

I secretly hope he’ll stay home from work.

And then, I wake up, after a night of little sleep because she wakes up. I will make the eggs while in my pajamas. And, I will go on, …

Nemesis

Sunday, October 23rd, 2005

For the longest time in my life, I was blessed to have my very own bathroom. You know, my own room where I could “do my buisness” and leave clothes all over the floor without worrying about someone splashing water on them.

Then I went to college and learned the horrors of the community bathrooms. That’s an entirely different story but let’s just say I trained myself to go #2 at 4am when everyone else was sleeping.

So, last night, I’m laying in bed when I feel a pain in my belly. I’m sitting there thinking that it is either cramping or gas. I’m the type of person, however, that does not do well with any type of belly pain …

Medical Miracle

Thursday, October 20th, 2005

I have The Sniffles, my child has The Squirts and my husband has a case of the “Why won’t my child ever sleep anymores?”

Look! I’m a medical professional. That’ll be a $10 copay.

Actually, I’m not, but I am the daughter of one. When you are the daughter of someone who has spent her life diagnosing “owies,” well, you get to be pretty good at diagnosing them on your own. I also have a tendency to end up with all types of weird illnesses (and, at times, injuries) so I feel pretty competent at diagnosing.

Save yourself the time from going to the ER and ask me if you broke your leg.

Since my Mom is in the medical profession, I usually …

Happy Endings?

Sunday, October 16th, 2005

When it comes to parenthood, there are good days and bad days. Good days include the times when your child takes five hour naps and Oprah actually has something on that doesn’t involve celebrities. Bad days include a child that refuses to nap, temper tantrums and finding that all the cheese in the fridge, in fact, has gone moldy.

It seems, for the most part, that I’ve been having more bad days than good ones. So bad, that I’ve had troubles dealing with “normal” people saying “normal” things to me.

Hippy: “Save the whales!”
Me: “Screw the whales and SCREW YOU TOO for telling me what I need to save and not save.”

Husband: “Where the heck are all the baby’s bottles?”
Me: “I …

What’s that smell?

Monday, October 10th, 2005

It seems as if every “celebrity” out there has a fragrance. You see, they have a fragrance instead of a perfume because it sounds just so much more sophisticated.

I have a feeling that Britney Spears’ perfume, Curious, smells like sweaty crotch and Cheetos.

Sarah Jessica Parker’s new one, Lovely? Shoes and cigarette smoke.

I just read that Ashanti is launching a perfume, Precious Jewel, at the most ritsy of shops: Wal-Mart. I don’t know too much about her, so you’ll have to come up with the smell for that on your own.

Glow, by “J-Lo?” smells like burnt flesh (thanks to the plastic surgery) and spray-on tans.

Although I am no celebrity, if I had to give myself a fragrance, because I’m also too …

You can’t make this stuff up

Thursday, October 6th, 2005

Today I caught myself thinking that I should enter The Publisher’s Clearinghouse you know, so I could win a million dollars on Thanksgiving. Forget the fact that we won’t be here on Thanksgiving so they’d be knocking on an empty door, forget the fact that we don’t order things through them, I want that money!

Since I now have No Life, I like to watch America’s Most Wanted on FOX. Sure, the re-enactments are okay, but I am watching to catch a crook.

I figure, out of all the weirdos that have come in and out of my life, at least one of them has to be on America’s Most Wanted! Even better! What if he/she is and there’s a reward? …

Choices

Monday, October 3rd, 2005

I have a recurring dream where I’m in college and I find out I have to take a final. The only problem is, I haven’t been to any of the lectures and sometimes, during my dream, I didn’t know I was in that class until the final.

I feel a sense of panic knowing that I will have to take a test on something I know nothing about. Eventually, I wake up, as one has to do from dreams, and realize that I’m not in college. Whew.

I don’t know if I ever considered myself a “good” student. I wasn’t a bad student; I did okay in high school and even better in college. One semester, I had a 4.0 GPA …

Cats and Dogs

Sunday, October 2nd, 2005

I don’t think anyone ever sat me down and said “Hello Little SJ. Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina.” I knew, when I was little, that boys had that weird thing between their legs when we changed their diapers.

Someone should have told me that it goes far beyond penises and vaginas.

First things first. Last Sunday, The Hubs committed two Faux Paus within minutes of each other. He arrived home from the grocery store with my donuts in hand (one white with sprinkles, the other a glazed twist) and asked me if I had taken a shower.

I was standing there, my clean hair freshly blow-dried and styled. I was also wearing makeup. (His defense was that …

Thanks a lot, TLC

Wednesday, September 28th, 2005

I’ve never considered myself that “fashionable.” Sure, I cared about clothes and things like that in high school. I liked to shop at the GAP and buy new outfits (on sale,of course.) Then I met The Hubs.

Let’s just say I decided to play “I only wear clothes from a thrift store.” I stopped wearing makeup and cut all my hair off, something I would never have done before I met him. It is not his fault that I decided to play The Yucky Card; in fact, he made me a lot more comfortable with who I am.

Once I started staying at home, I got caught up in those “makeover” shows. You know, “What Not To Wear” and “10 Years Younger.”

I’m …

Chapter Eight: When in Doubt, Have More Babies

Monday, September 26th, 2005

When I was in high school, many of my teachers would pass out “getting to know you” cards. One teacher, I shall refer to him as “The Ostrich” because, dude, that’s totally what he looked like, handed out this card.

It was my senior year of high school. At my school, it was common knowledge that this teacher, the Honors Economics teacher, was hard. So hard, in fact, that all the honors kids went down to “level” and all the AP kids went down to “honors.”

Since I had this whole “I will not go down to level for anything” mentality, I continued on in the honors class, even though my peers were the type of people that went to Harvard and …

Journalists Gone Wild

Sunday, September 25th, 2005

I remember, after September 11 (2001, in case you were thinking I spoke of Sept. 11. 2000 or 2002) that all the news organizations were on “high alert.” If there was a fire downtown? You bet your bottom dollar that the “Talking Heads” would be there, asking the important questions.

“Did you see anyone that might be a Muslim?”
“Well, do you think that this is something a terrorist might do?”
“Okay, fine. Did you see anyone that looked somewhat suspicious…you know, carrying knives or something?”

I’ve never been that fond of TV news, even though once I happened to be in the right place in the right time and got interviewed for a story. Me! Interviewed! On the news! Ha! I said things! …

Care for a lovah?

Saturday, September 24th, 2005

If Rita were a lover, I’d hastily flop over in bed, fumble for a cigarette and ask “is that it?” When she said “yes,” I’d quickly try to cover my tracks, insisting that “I’m not saying it was bad, I just thought it would be…different.”

When Rita went to shower, I’d quickly grab my phone and call all of my friends, laughing at the idiocy of all of the mess.*

The hurricane has come and gone and White People Land was left pretty much unscathed. I think all those magical white people fairies we have kept us safe and with power.

I do not know anything about my family’s houses and assume I will not hear anything for a few days. I might …

Alone

Thursday, September 22nd, 2005

It is funny that I was getting on here to write about the “fear” of the “unknown” when it comes to this hurricane business, about how alone and “out of sorts” I feel, how I would get 4 “thinking of you” emails. We haven’t had “regular” TV shows in awhile here; it has been all doom and gloom. The news constantly reminds us of how, in the entire Houston area (the 4th largest city, I remind you) as of 7pm, there were 5 places that had some form of gas left.

In the midst of the constant TV news updates and trying to prepare for who knows what while still keeping some semblance of a life together, it is hard not …

“Why I’m Like This”

Wednesday, September 21st, 2005

Here is what every conversation I’ve had today went like: “What are you doing about the hurricane?”

Answer one: “LEAVING WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!”
Answer two: “I bought a bottle of water. We’re staying.”

The deal is this: We have NOWHERE to go. Our closest family is in Tulsa. I know it seems like an easy task to drive there, but a nice little 8 hour drive could EASILY turn into 20 hours of hell. There are no hotel rooms. There is nothing. The traffic? What should take one hour (Galveston to Houston) is now five. I’ve seen the highway and it is SCARY.

To make matters worse, I broke a fainger nail. On the nail bed. Yes, I’m missing half a finger …

There is Evil and his name is Nic Cage

Thursday, September 15th, 2005

There are times when my husband and I don’t see eye to eye on things. One of these issues is (are?) movies: He likes to watch them all the time, I’m a TV girl myself.

Both The Hubs and his sister love to watch movies. He’s always wanting to put one on to watch, while I whine and mumble about how I don’t want to sit through a two hour movie fest.

I think my real problem is that I can’t commit. I don’t want to invest all that time when I could be channel surfing! Hello! We can’t miss out on the possibility that Britney Spears will air a TV show where we get up close and personal with her …

Say It Ain’t So

Tuesday, September 13th, 2005

I used to be one of “those kids.” When I was 14, I had a penchant for acting a fool in public, doing stupid things such as seeing a movie multiple times only to announce important plot points (loudly) for everyone to hear before they happened.

I really outgrew that point of my immaturity by the time I learned to drive, instead opting to decorate people’s trees with tampons along with a friend. I also spent a good amount of my time harrassing people in fast food drive-thrus.

One of my high school friends called a few months ago and told me about a video she watched with a mutal friend. It was the summer after my senior year of high …

Crisis Mode

Thursday, September 8th, 2005

When I was 14, I went to North Carolina to visit a friend of mine. I was there with two other girls and lets just say we didn’t get along too well. Four teenage girls in a different state: Bad News.

Anyway, this one girl, we shall call her “Carmen,” somehow managed to dump a box of toothpicks on the floor and then step in it. Barefoot. Guess what happened? She got a toothpick stuck in her foot!

Her foot started to bleed and everyone else freaked out. I calmly walked over to her, yelled at her to “shut up,” grabbed her foot and pulled the toothpick out.

I’m notorious for not answering my phone when it rings. I usually just let voice …

Would you like to touch my Feathersword?

Tuesday, September 6th, 2005

In case you didn’t know, The Wiggles are banned from this house. You see, I interviewed one of them once, I really can’t tell you which one as they all look alike, and well, he had NO SENSE OF HUMOR.

Okay, they don’t all look alike. I know there’s an “Asian” one and he wears purple and has a sleeping problem. See? The Wiggles are teaching children that anyone who is not white has issues! Asian men don’t make lots of money! That’s the old stereotype! All they do now is sleep!

So…no Wiggles. Actually, I find their songs very annoying, therefore I avoid them like Michael Jackson does anyone of legal age.

I will admit that I’ve let myself slide as I …

Help Less

Thursday, September 1st, 2005

Update: I am planning on calling the local shelter closest to my house and heading over there today, tomorrow or the soonest they need me. I plan on bringing along a list of people who are willing to offer up their houses for temporary residence. If you know of anyone, please email me at SJ (at) shenuts (there’s a dot here) com

After changing a flat tire in the nice Houston heat, I thought to myself “damn, I’m hot.” Not hot in that way, but hot as in “Woah. Get me some AC.” Then I reminded myself of other people who um, have been sitting outside in the heat for awhile now.

I wanted to do something, I told my Mom. Yeah, …

Stop The Hate(rs)

Tuesday, August 30th, 2005

I don’t think I’d ever go up to someone in real life and say any of the nasty things I read on the internet. Actually, I don’t really even have to “think” about it because it just isn’t right. Sure, I’ve said a few doozies on my site before, and I admit and own up to what I did, but I’m talking about the nastiness left in comments.

Just within this past week, I’ve had several of my “blog-friends” get blasted by people they don’t know. Many people email me about this topic because, ha, I’ve had my fair share of hate. The fact that I walk around and haven’t had an asteroid drop down onto me just seems to piss …

Suck on my chocolate salty balls

Tuesday, August 30th, 2005

My family has a long history of trying to make me eat food that I do not like. From the story about how they convinced me to eat shrimp by telling me it was chicken when I was little to the time in college when I had lasagne made with DEER, they’re always after me.

I have some weird “food rules,” but the main two you need to know are no seafood and no nuts. Tuna fish sandwiches are okay as are salted airline peanuts, otherwise, don’t even try.

So I go to my Mom’s house Sunday night at 8:30pm because I hear talk of THE BEST CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES EVER! I mean, hello, I’m pregnant and I need cookies. Who …

The Hippest Hippy

Sunday, August 28th, 2005

You know how there are some people that seem to have so many “causes?” Causes such as “We must save the whales” or “I would never ever eat meat.” Considering I live in Texas, I don’t hear about too many “causes” as the majority of the people in White People Land only worry about how to make sure the government doesn’t find out about their illegal maid.

I met someone in North Carolina, she was on a blind date with a friend of mine, who had many causes. She was all about going to candlelight vigils and writing letters to people on death row. I laughed silently because here she was, sitting in a room with two Texans and a …

A Tale of Two “Boyfriends.”

Tuesday, August 23rd, 2005

I like to consider myself a somewhat “drama-free” person. I’m not into turning something small into a Very Big Ordeal if I don’t have to. That’s why, when we lived in North Carolina, we decided on a whim to buy a house. It went something like this.

Me: I want to buy a condo! I hate our apartment! I don’t like hearing gunshots all the time!
Him: Hmm. Maybe. Let’s look.

We ended up buying a house that cost more than twice the price of that original condo. But? It was only the second thing we “seriously” considered. It was nice, all turned out okay. That is, until I got fired and we had to move across the country.

Before I go any further …

Girls Night Out THIS

Sunday, August 21st, 2005

In case you didn’t know, I am 25 years old. I am married, have one child, one fetus and, when I’m not knocked up, I enjoy drinking GASP! a little alcohol.

I went to visit a longtime friend tonight so I could meet her cutie patootie boyfriend. We were discussing how they met (at a country dancing hall out in the sticks) and I laughed at how they met at a place that probably had peanut shells on the floor. This friend knows how to partay, though; she often goes to “normal” clubs (if there is such a thing) down in Houston.

It recently crossed my mind that I don’t get invited to many “fun” outings. Not that I’d go, …

Paying For Dirt

Thursday, August 18th, 2005

Every time we go walking, I like to take a deep breath and say “Hmm, this is the nicest apartment we’ve lived in so far.” (I’m counting college as well, even though we didn’t live together, we both had crappy apartments.) It really is.

There are no three bedrooms in this complex so there really aren’t too many kiddos running around in the parking lot. The majority of our neighbors are the Blue Haired Set, though I’m questioning what type of illegal brothel they have running in the apartment below us. Trust me when I say that something isn’t right there.

Anyway, we have beautiful new carpet with “wood” flooring in the kitchen and bathroom. We live on the third floor …

Do It like they do on the Discovery Channel

Sunday, August 14th, 2005

Okay, I’ll admit it: I’ve done some things that people would call “embarrassing” in public to get a good laugh. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen my TV Repairman imitation.

Crack is whack!

Even though I’ll do funny things to myself to get a laugh, there are some situations when I become embarrassed. Case in point: I can’t stand to see someone’s dog “doing their business” in public. Even worse is if the dog is on a leash, taking a dump while the owner is just standing there all la dee da.

I feel like telling the dog to go hide behind the bushes, much like I do when I have to take a leak in public, so we don’t all get an …

Yogurt Splashing Optional

Saturday, August 13th, 2005

While we were out today, I saw a black maternity t-shirt that read “Coming this fall.”

If I saw someone wearing that shirt, I’d like to walk up to her and say “Looks like you already came.”

Table for four

Thursday, August 11th, 2005

He slouched at the end of the table, hair neatly combed earlier in the day, suspenders holding up his pants. He told me earlier that he wasn’t hungry; that he didn’t want to go anywhere.

I knew what to order for him, I made sure to ask before we left: chicken tenders sandwich with curly fries and a root beer. He likes root beer. I don’t know if he would have told me that if I asked. Not because he didn’t want to tell, it is just that he can’t.

My Mom cut his lunch for him and I dipped all his fries in ketchup. He speared his pickle with a fork, I suggested we cut it up so he …

New Leaf

Wednesday, August 10th, 2005

I’ve been throwing around an entry in my head about “turning over a new leaf,” but honestly, it’s just a bunch of crap. Not because I don’t want to turn over a new leaf, I do very much, but the truth is it is hard to do so.

I’m in a rut. I know I’m in a rut. I can see the rut, I’ve put up signs for the rut that say “Warning! Rut ahead!” but it isn’t exactly as easy to get out as one might think.

And before I continue on any further, the rut is not helping my depression. Note I said “depression” and not “self hatred.” Some people out there seem to be confusing the two. I do …

Sleeping My Way to the Top

Tuesday, August 9th, 2005

I’ve never been really “good” at anything. I watch the Olympics wishing I could be half the athlete of a Michelle Kwan or whatever swimming crazy person they have out there. No, I’m scared of (most!) balls, have bad math abilities and am a somewhat mediocre runner.

But? I am a champion sleeper. So champion, in fact, that if there were an Olympics in Sleeping, you would be reading the official blog of the gold medal winner. I’m just that good.

I love to sleep. Some people, like my therapist, don’t get it. They think I sleep because I’m depressed. Heck! I sleep because I have a king size bed with a pillowtop mattress and multiple pillows to choose from. I sleep …

Next up: Enema 101

Sunday, August 7th, 2005

After some thought and, by thought, I mean I got a community college class roster in the mail, I considered getting out of the house. As much as I love a day where I get to hide in the kitchen while eating a pudding cup so a little person doesn’t find me, perhaps I should get out and, you know, do something.

So, I began to sift through the community college class roster looking for a class that met a few criteria:

1. Didn’t suck.
2. Was not expensive.
3. Didn’t make me feel like I was in “school” as I was doing this for “leisure.”

The more I read through the classes, the more I became confused. Sure T’ai Chi sounded like fun, but …

Apple Crumb Cake THIS

Friday, August 5th, 2005

I’ve been composing a mental list of people that I want at my dream dinner party. So far, it is The Rubber Band Man, Jon Stewart and Kathy Griffin. I thought about throwing in Britney Spears so we could have a good laugh, but really, I don’t want to trash out my dream dinner party.

Before I go any farther, I need to send a “shout out” to all the people overseas. I will try to post as many links as I can in this entry so you know what I’m talking about. I have a feeling that people in Finland may not know who the Rubber Band Man is. (But? I’d like to discuss one day why some people in …

Accept it

Tuesday, August 2nd, 2005

Remember “back in the day” (I love that phrase) when people that played on the Internet were “dorks?” Now, to me, people who choose NOT to get on the Internet are in denial and still think they’re part of the popular clique in high school when really, they are the math club geeks.

All the cool kids are doing it, including me, so that means it is OKAY!

It has been “called to my attention” that “some people that know me in real life” seem to think I live in a magical lala land on the internet where I create my own little world.

Yes, it is true. I can’t do anything without the Internet. I woke up this morning, but couldn’t eat …

family

Monday, August 1st, 2005

…Remembered while hiding in the bedroom, hoping the little person doesn’t find me…

Scene: At the dinner table. Saturday night. Us plus Mom and husband plus set of Grandparents.

Grandma: I have an annoucement to make.
SJ: Are you pregnant?
Grandma: No, we’re leaving that one up to you.

I put the alpha in the alpha bits

Tuesday, July 26th, 2005

It seems that no matter what we do, we just can’t be right. “They” say you need to be an uber parent. (Thanks to Julie for the link.)

Can’t just be a “soccer mom.” Nope, you’ve gotta be the Alpha Mom. You can’t let your kid join every activity. Now you have to give in every time he wants a cookie. You know what? If I don’t get a damn cookie every time I want one, she’s not going to get every freakin’ cookie.

In fact, I have no desire to become a Soccer Mom or an Alpha Mom. I know, I know, shocking.

Then I go and read this. Look at the lady, in her third trimester, who has only put on …

I Left On a Jet Plane

Monday, July 25th, 2005

The drive from Houston to Tulsa takes about eight hours. That is, it takes eight hours if you don’t stop at every Dairy Queen or Arby’s you see in the meantime. The trip (by airplane) from Tulsa back to Houston (from doorstep to doorstep) is five hours.

Yesterday, during our flight back, all I kept thinking is “Flying is FUNNY! Man, wouldn’t the internet love to hear about flying? Isn’t flying GREAT?”

This probably won’t make any sense because I’m still in “Constant Baby Entertaining Mode” after sitting next to my child on the plane while the (Lucky) hubs got to sit in the back, near the potty. You see, we’re those people that don’t actually pay for the baby to get …

Step Away From the Computer

Tuesday, July 19th, 2005

We’re leaving tonight for Tulsa, also known as The Land of Tornadoes. Leaving home is always good because sometimes you stay at home too long and you start to go crazy.

First things first. I need to step away from “A Baby Story.” I seriously feel like slapping the self righteous biznitches on that show on a daily basis. The show has made me utter very bad words while holding my child. I can’t help it. If someone is all gung ho on having a drug free labor and then, during birth, asks for drugs, saying later on that you “really didn’t want the drugs, that’s just what you say at the end of labor.” Well, that makes me want to …

And on the seventh day, they thanked the Lord for Tom Cruise

Monday, July 18th, 2005

“Thank you Tom for standing up and saying something about it.”

Even though I saw “War of the Worlds” (please don’t hate me, the previews got me a long time ago) I was more than happy when the “Tom Cruise is a god” media frenzy went away. Tired of his jumping on the couch, fist pumping, grabbing his girlfriend and kissing her awkwardly for show, I would throw dirty diapers at my television, just begging the ladies on The View to stop kissing butt for one second.

Then, just like that, he went away. It seems, however, that all the “stars” are out jumping on the postpartum bandwagon. “Like, yeah, I was sad one day after I had my baby. Woah, that …

Logistics

Sunday, July 17th, 2005

Once upon a time, a boy named The Hubs and a girl named SJ decided “Hmm. We should buy a house.” So they did. Eventually, the Girl Named SJ decided to act in a stupid manner, get fired from her job and not make any money. While pregnant.

The Hubs and SJ then sold their beautiful cookie-cutter house, all 1500 sq feet of it, and moved back to Texas. They moved into a very tiny apartment that was full of bugs and had a toilet that overflowed all the time. Eventually, they moved to another suburb and got a nicer, but smaller (and more expensive!) apartment.

All went well. They lived in this tiny place on the third floor (no …

Wet

Friday, July 15th, 2005

I was about six years old when I decided I wanted to be a meteorologist. While all the other kids in my first grade class wanted to be garbagemen and nurses (I lived in Hick Town, what did you expect?) I had to be different.

I also had a love of The Weather Channel. I watched it like most kids watched their afternoon cartoons, infatuated with the weather in Boise. I obsessed over hurricanes and rainstorms, which was good considering we lived in south east Texas.

This is where Houston is, for those of you not in the know of the Texas landscape. (Actually, Houston is a little closer to the water but, whatever.)

Long story short but when I got …

Losing the Battle

Monday, July 11th, 2005

Everyone had heard the story or knows a family that fits the story to a “T.” The family has several children. With the first child, the parents weren’t sure what they were doing. They tried to read all the books, follow everyone’s advice and make the Best Child Ever. By the time the third child comes along, all Hell has broken loose and they are using knives as a mobile because the shininess catches the baby’s eyes and calms it down only in the way a nice bottle of alcohol could.

Much like Autumn hilariously changes the names that she calls her children online, I’m going to have to change Ellie’s name to “Practice Child.”

Sorry, sweetie. I’ve messed up in …

Everything I Learned in Life, I Learned From the Internet

Thursday, July 7th, 2005

When my kids grow up, I can’t wait to say “Well, when I was your age, we didn’t have DVD players in the car. In fact, I had to read books. Can you say book? Buh-uuk. We read those in the car and sometimes we played the roadsign game.”

After that, I walked 5 miles to school in the snow (In Texas!) on one leg, with an arm tied behind my back, smoking a cigar.

What did I ever do without the Internet? Well, back then, I had real people in life, much like the stupid “You wanna be like Dooce” troll that called me ugly the other day, to make me feel insecure. Also, if I had a question about …

Torpedo Tits

Friday, July 1st, 2005

I read in one of those stupid pregnancy books while pregnant that if I wore a good bra, I wouldn’t have to worry about saggy boobs.

I’d like to give a big “F-You” to Ms. Iovine and her crappy advice. Why? I wore a good bra and HELLO my boobies look like doodoo.

There’s a few things one can do when going out sans baby. I could have bought vibrators for everyone in my apartment building, found a nice man to buy crack from or at least get in and out of the car without having to buckle someone else in.

I chose to buy a bra. Notice I’m not buying “lingere” because HA THAT’S STUPID AND THEY DON’T MAKE LINGERE IN MY …

Hormonally Challenged

Tuesday, June 28th, 2005

I’m not exactly the most level headed person. I totally expect to become that Mom who kicks the kid’s butt on the playground after he trips my child and makes her fall. I’ll throw lemonade in the PTA President’s face and then I’ll laugh about it on the ‘net.

Actually, in person, in the real world, I’m very “normal.” I don’t have outbursts and I’m not one to confront someone who cuts in line.

Get me home, however, and The Crazy comes out. The Crazy is what makes me imagine horrible scenarios the second The Hubs comes home from work two minutes late. Let me just say that The Pregnant Crazy makes The Crazy look like Little Orphan Annie.

The Pregnant Crazy writes …

Hot Topic

Tuesday, June 28th, 2005

What happened on here yesterday surprised me. I know, you think I shouldn’t be surprised, but the arguments that people get into over “hot topics” always leaves me scratching my head.

There are some pregnancy message boards where people post “hot topics” such as breast or bottle, cloth or disposable, snip or don’t.

To me, these aren’t “Hot topics.” They are personal decisions. I wouldn’t belittle someone for only formula feeding– you don’t know the person or their reasons for doing so. I wouldn’t laugh and point and scream at you if you have a drug free labor and I assume you’d give me the same respect regarding my choice for an epidural. Different strokes for different folks.

Ha, so if you …

The Nosy Threesome

Friday, June 24th, 2005

There’s a TV show called What Not to Wear where the hosts grab a badly dressed person and shows her, thanks to a room full of mirrors, that she is dressed in a very bad way. One recent commercial had a lady saying “I wonder what everyone thought of me when I was dressed like this.”

I know a lot of people go out in public and are worried about what they look like. As long as I’m clean, I don’t really care too much. Take yesterday, for example. I grabbed my husband’s shirt (He’s 6′4 and I’m 5′5) and paired it with my flumpy shorts. The shirt had a cartoon hand-drawn face on the front. The eyes, however, where in …

The Aggies Are So Proud

Wednesday, June 22nd, 2005

Last night, after we finished watching “Ponies in Love,” “I Married a Taco” and “Real Sex: (Snoop) Doggy Style,” we came across a channel that had this face on it.

The Hubs did not know who this lady was. Here’s a hint, some people call her “The Queen of England.” This started a long tirade on HOW THE HECK CAN YOU NOT KNOW WHAT THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND LOOKS LIKE, YOU WEIRDO?????

After going on a big tirade about how he doesn’t care who she is, it finally turns out that my husband thinks that the British Royal Family is the equivalent of The Hilton Family.

Yes, my husband thinks that Prince William and Paris Hilton are one in the …

Learn from me

Tuesday, June 21st, 2005

How not to give yourself an enema, by The Sarcastic Journalist.

1. Get someone to buy enema for you.
2. Go into bathroom, totally grossed out by the fact that you now own an enema.
3. Open enema package but don’t read the directions.
4. Sit on toilet instead of on the ground like the package says to.
5. Aim enema somewhere near your bottom.
6. Squirt enema for three seconds, decide that’s enough stuff going into your butt. (Package says to empty almost entire bottle.) Realize you got like, two squirts in there.
7. Stand up, walk around house (instead of lying still on ground like the package says.)
8. Hold enema in for one minute instead of, you know, five.
9. Curse when you really can’t poop.

Guess …

Not a golden shower, for sure.

Monday, June 20th, 2005

I haven’t felt as desperate as I have this past week in a long time. The desperation I feel as I hunch over a toilet bowl or curl into a ball on the couch is one that I hope I never feel again.

Internet, I’m going to tell you a secret. There have been a few occasions during this week where I thought to myself that I wish I was not pregnant. I do not wish for the baby to go away, no, I just wish that I didn’t feel this way. I am keenly aware of the fact that if I was not pregnant, I could have more options to make myself feel better.

Obviously this baby is wanted and I’m …

Poop Should Go in the Potty.

Sunday, June 19th, 2005

During my last pregnancy, I had a weekly dialogue with my husband that went pretty much like this:

SJ: I do not want to have this baby through my cooter. I want a c-section.
Him: No. You will do it the other way. Its better for you! You don’t want surgery!
SJ: Yes, I want surgery.

This convo continued on up to the day I went into labor, when my dialogue became this:

SJ: I WANT A C-SECTION NOW. (whine. Cry. Pout.) PUHLEASE I CANT HAVE THIS BABY I CANT DO THIS I HATE EVERYONE CUT ME OPEN NOW.
Doctor: Drugs?
SJ: I LOVE YOU I WANT TO MAKE BABIES WITH YOU.

So, I got my drugs (Hello Trolls! I used drugs during labor and they …

Do Not Scare The White People

Friday, June 17th, 2005

A couple of days ago, I was waiting to go and hang out with Curly Girl when I decided to take a drive through White People Land. Instead of driving around, looking at the pretty trees, I decided to take a tour of Houses That Are So Big The Entire Country of Somalia Could Live There. You see, I grew up here in WPL and grew accustomed to seeing people with expensive cars and houses that would make yo’ mama cry.

In fact, it got to the point that they didn’t really impress me because once you’ve seen one house, you’ve seen them all.

The deal with White People Land is that all the White People are very scared. I’m not sure …

Take a Ride On The Vomit Comet

Wednesday, June 15th, 2005

Not long after I wrote that last post, things went from bad to worse. I went from somewhat functional to laying on the ground, begging for God to put me out of my misery, vomiting Gatorade everywhere functional.

On a scale of 1 to 10 of function, 10 being the highest, I rated a negative 89 at the time.

I kept asking for The Hubs to shoot me. You’ll see that this is a theme of this post. So, off he goes to the store to get vomit medicine. He doesn’t even make it out of the parking lot before he gets a call from me. “Hospital.”

Actually, I ran from the bathroom to the living room, where I started throwing up in …

Smells Like Teen Spirit

Wednesday, June 15th, 2005

Sometimes I get a post or an idea for a post and I’ll carry it around in my head for awhile. The idea I have carried in my head for awhile has to do with the internet. Basically, it was going to say “It’s just the internet. Get over it.”

But I can’t write that right now. I’m sick. I’m not sure if it is the hypermesis (I could be spelling it wrong but I really don’t care) or it might be the Projectile Vomit Disease. All I know is that I haven’t kept anything down today. At all. If I get up, I vomit. Or I get a headache.

My Mom came over and took Miss E because there is no …

Paranoid

Friday, June 10th, 2005

There’s this TV show called Blind Date where two people are set up on, you guessed it, a blind date. These people always go on obnoxious dates where they wrestle like Sumo Wrestlers, herd cattle or do something no one would ever do on a first date unless they were you know, a millionaire.

At the end of the show, they interview both parties about their feelings on the date. A lot of times, one person says “This was the worst date ever!” while the other says “I think we made a connection. I will ask her out again.”

I think that meeting new friends is very similar to Blind Date. Sometimes I get the feeling that if the Blind Date producers …

Bad Advice Thursdays!

Wednesday, June 8th, 2005

I have a friend who told me that I was a lot “nicer” and “happier” once I went on “the meds.” Yes, its true, the meds took some of my edge off and, trust me, I have a lot of edge. In fact, on most days, my edge resembles the Grand Canyon.

During pregnancy, my edge is the size of Russia. Woohoo! Crazy ladies for everyone!

I mentioned to my therapist yesterday how I felt very “sad” for things I’ve done in the past. I thought it was odd because these “sad” feelings were coming out of nowhere. It turns out, and I’m not lying here, she said “You are feeling remorse! We’re all starting to see your human side!”

Turns out that …

The Post Where I Anger Both Dog and Baby Lovers

Tuesday, June 7th, 2005

When I was little, my grandma told me if I opened an umbrella in the house, snakes would fall out of it.

“A relative” thought that if you tickeled her baby, the baby would grow up to stutter, dashing all hopes of her becoming Miss America.

We were at the grocery store recently at The Hubs snuck Miss E a bite of donut. “You can’t feed her that!” I said. “It has chocolate in it.”

Wait. No, you aren’t supposed to feed chocolate to dogs, not babies. I guess babies can have chocolate, if you can get over that whole “my baby is going to be a sugar junkie” aspect. Yea for cavities and obesity!

That happens to me a lot. I get confused …

The Hairy Will Not Hurt You

Monday, June 6th, 2005

Dear Internet,

You are not allowed to meet me in person. Why? Because you will know all my stories. But, today I’m getting hit by the hormones and they bring The Sad and The Angry so I will tell you a story before I scrub scum off the bottom of the tub because I love you that much!

I’ve always been somewhat “hairy.” Not hairy in the coarse, thick hair covering my body type of way but hairy as in dark hair. Blame it on my Cajun heritage but this gal isn’t covered in pretty blonde hair.

When I was 17, wearing a two piece bathing suit was Very Important. More important that world peace, baby seals and homelessness combined. I was …

Pat my drum, baby.

Thursday, June 2nd, 2005

Sometimes I’ll go to someone’s website and I’ll read a part of their entry where they are quoting famous historians, poems or philosophers. At that very moment, when the writer compares their search for green tea to the plight of the Mongoose, I feel myself vomit a little. If the Internet were a giant lecture hall and these people were the professors, you could bet your bottom dollar that I’d be drawing stick figures doing naughty things in the corners of my notes.

Luckily, you won’t find any of that here. Instead, I’ll relay an episode of The Simpsons. In one Simpsons episode, a toy company takes over Bart and Lisa’s school and they use the students to help …

Southern Hospitality

Saturday, May 28th, 2005

People in the South seem to enjoy talking about how friendly they are. I remember growing up and having people I didn’t know smile or wave at me on the street. I thought “Man, these people are so nice!”

Knowing my luck, they probably thought I was “special.” Perhaps I had toilet paper on my shoe.

Anyway, when I lived in Denver for a short while, I remember thinking how different things were there. First off, the people did not drive like they do in Houston. No one had one hand on their gun, the other hand out the window, flipping the bird. People seemed very complacent, very willing to just line up on the highway and take their time getting home. …

Celebrity Babies Have Nothing on This!

Tuesday, May 24th, 2005

I’ll tell you, Internet. I had an experience at Disney World that I wanted to tell you about but had to wait for the pictures. Guess what? I now have the pictures.

So on Saturday, after a morning at the Animal Kingdom, we head over to Epcot. We go to the new ride, Soarin’ to get Fastpasses. While we were ambling around outside of the restrooms, we become privy to some very interesting information.

A certain person who is on TV was riding the ride at that very moment.

So, being the major nerds that we are, we head over to the back exit of the ride. We wait. And wait. All of a sudden, I see an employee, pushing two children …

You never stop learning!

Tuesday, May 24th, 2005

Things my husband told me/things I heard after his colonoscopy this morning:*

1. He believed that the doctor that preformed the procedure “uppercut (him) in the gut.”
2. He thinks he shoots zombies while at work.**
3. He dedicated all of his farts (due to all the gas pumped into him) to his “homies.”
4. “SJ” in “The Whitelands” is considered one of his “homies.”
5. Another good way to intro into a fart is to say “fire in the hole.”
6. He had a password I had to say before he would get up. The password was “eroded placenta.”

Watching him come off the meds was worth sitting in the world’s coldest waiting room for two hours. I laughed so hard, I had tears rolling down …

The Hippy Hippy Shake

Sunday, May 22nd, 2005

Most of us have a word that, when called, will drive us over the breaking point. For Michael J. Fox in Back to the Future, that word was “chicken.”

You can call me chicken all you want. I do not like to jump off things, I’m not a fan of trying new foods and I became overcome with fear while parasailing.

My word is “hippy.”

The Hubs, like any spouse, knows how to push my buttons. If he’s wanting to get me to the core, all he has to do is tell me I’m a “hippy.”

In fact, if you call me a “hippy,” I’m more than likely to grab my gun, buy an SUV, join the NRA and go on the hunt …

Golden Rules do not Apply in Blogland, Obviously.

Friday, May 20th, 2005

I’ve seen a topic raised on other blogs, as well as mine, on several occassions. “Why would you put your life out there for everyone to read?” Usually, this is made in a less-than-friendly way such as “Your life sucks, you stupid bitch” or “You are so self-indulgent” or whatnot.

Why would someone think that they know everything about a person because they read a blog? What you read on my site (or anyone else’s) is what they LET you see. Such as you will not know if my husband and I have a disagreement. You do not know what we talk about when we’re lying in bed together. You do not know what I had for breakfast, you do …

The Wee One Goes Poo In Your Shirt

Thursday, May 19th, 2005

I’m not a big fan of trends. If everyone is dressing up like it is the 80s with gold bangles and off the shoulder sweatshirts, you can bet your bottom dollar I will keep my jeans and tshirts. I don’t want to be another victim to every horrendous trend in the world.

Hello, I wore neon colors during the 80s. I know all about bad fashion.

Anyway, there is a trend out there that makes me want to cry. Not platform wedge shoes, which are HORRIBLE, but dogs.

Yes, Internet. I think the trend of having an itty bitty doggie is one of the worst trends possible. So wrong is it that I consider it as horrible as the “We love Bennifer!” trend …

Fear + Sadness= Fadness

Thursday, May 19th, 2005

Recently, I was at a sandwich place at Disney World and I saw an older woman sitting at a table by herself, eating dinner. My heart dropped when I saw her and I immediately felt sad. Then I took a step and saw that her companion was hidden from my view and, in fact, she wasn’t alone.

But the sadness remained for awhile.

I think this is one of the hardest parts of my personality to explain, this feeling of sadness that comes across me at a moment’s notice. I know I felt sad because I saw a lady, an elderly lady, sitting by herself. I thought she was alone. I thought she had to eat dinner by herself.

I know there’s a …

Trashilicous

Wednesday, May 18th, 2005

When we were on vacation, one of the things we talked about most was what would Ellie do when we got back. Would she cry? Cheer with joy?

I had a theory that Ellie was going to cry when she saw us. I figured that since she had cried in situations like this in the past, she would continue on with the tradition.

Boy was I wrong.

Once we got off our flight from Orlando to Houston, I bypassed the baggage claim and ran outside to see my baby. Sure enough, there she was in the back seat, sucking on a bottle. I ran around to her and smiled. She gave me a blank stare and looked away.

I thought she was …

Diz-Nee

Tuesday, May 17th, 2005

Before I continue on with this post, I have to tell you that we got back yesterday. Unfortunately, “someone” who has been having weird problems decided to have more problems while on vacation. I have two words for you. Skin rash. Actually, it wasn’t as bad as that picture, but let’s just say that The Hubs has a very nasty rash that pretty much coveres his entire body.

We went to the doctor the second we got home and it was decided that he had a reaction to a drug. A drug that he took for his “chest pain.” A drug that made his body completely stop working.

GREAT!

Anyway, The Sarcastic Journalist goes to Disney World. Lots o’fun ensues.

Let me tell …

A Bloody Mess

Wednesday, May 11th, 2005

Since I am leaving today for the gloriousness that is Walt Disney World (did you know that Regis and Kelly are there? If I see Kelly, I’m totally going to drop kick that ho) I will tell you a little story about a Very Horrible Vacation that I once had.

When I was 12, my cousin, we shall call her “Topaz,” invited me to go on vacation with her and the people she babysat for. Even then, in my beautiful tween years, I was a little cautious about going on vacation with people I didn’t know, but I went anyway.

From what I remember about these people, they were Rednecks. When I say Redneck, I mean Annie Get Your Gun, Yeehaw Let’s …

Blue Blood

Tuesday, May 10th, 2005

I had a friend in high school, we shall call her “Erin” as that was her name. Actually, her name still is “Erin.” Anyway, Erin’s Mom didn’t like shopping at Wal-Mart. In fact, as we were told, Erin’s Mom was a lover of finer things and didn’t enjoy the wonders of Payless Shoe Store.

Star Jones would be so mad.

Anyway, I remember uttering “How can anyone not like Wal-Mart? It is so cheap! Where does she get her cleaning supplies?”

Yes, at the time, I thought the only place in the world one could get cleaning supplies was at a Wal-Mart. Boy, was I wrong.

Anyway, as I grew older and had to go shopping on my own, I began to hate Wal-Mart …

Ain’t no particular sign I’m compatible with, I just want your extra time and your kiss

Sunday, May 8th, 2005

When I was in high school, my Mom made me get a job. It became one of the thousands of jobs I held off and on throughout high school that I’d eventually quit because I hated it so much. This one was in the flower department at the local grocery store. I had no training whatsoever, but it was my job to cut the roses and wrap them up very pretty.

Every time a man would walk in and buy flowers, I’d ask why. Let me put it this way: Men were buying roses for two reasons. They screwed up or they were ABOUT to screw up. Plain and simple.

Yes, there were a few (like my beautiful hubby) who would buy …

busybee

Thursday, May 5th, 2005

Yesterday, while Miss E took a nice, long nap, I decided to be a “good wife.”

By “good wife,” I mean do something besides laying on the couch, moaning about how depressed I am and why the hell don’t I have starbucks coffee right now?

Anyway, so The Hubs calls in the middle of Clean Fest 2005. I had loaded and unloaded the dishwasher. Scrubbed the nasties off the kitchen counter, did laundry and was even FOLDING the laundry.

I had fresh pineapple ready for the baby when she woke up and had cleaned the sink out with cleansing products so I could give her a bath.

So, he called.

The Hubs: “What are you doing?”
Me: “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”
The …

My Fertile Friend

Wednesday, May 4th, 2005

I have a secret! For those of you not in the know, I “accidentally” became pregnant with Miss E while practicing Natural Family Planning, aka “The Stupidest Method of Birth Control EVER.”

The deal with NFP is that uh, if you misestimate ovulation, you can become pregnant. Sure, all “the people” will tell you that condoms are a very important part of NFP, but who wants to bump uglies with someone wearing Saran Wrap?

I sure as heck didn’t and three months after trying NFP, I found myself “with child.”

So, this past month I decided to start charting my temperature again so I can see when I am ovulating. Since I’m now capable of riding the crimson wave, I figured I …

A Town Called “Perfect”

Tuesday, May 3rd, 2005

There’s an interesting trend I’ve noticed once we moved back to The Whitelands. A trend I did not notice when we lived in another suburb of Houston, nor when we lived in Durham.

It is the trend of advertising your child’s extra-curricular activities as a decal on your car. Sure I’ve seen “My child is an honor student at lala fancypants middle school.” But now? Oh no, you wouldn’t be caught DEAD here in The Whitelands with that on your car.

Now this is what I see:

Whitelands Swim Team: Kelsey

Whitelands Varsity Basketball: Rob #7

Little Trotters Pony Riders: Kayleigh and Ashlee

Most of the ones I see have multiple decals. That means if your kid is in soccer, swimming AND ballet, man, …

A Staggering Work of Heartbreaking Stupidity

Tuesday, May 3rd, 2005

The Hubs and I have different “jobs” when it comes to our marriage. One of my jobs is making doctors appointments. I also tend to be the person who has to order the pizza on the phone, but whatever. It’s my job and I do it.

I’d much rather call a doctor than change the poopy diaper pail.

Anyway, so last night, The Hubs comes home and nonchalantly mentions that “Uh, my chest hurts.” So, after much pressing on my part, I find out the chest has been hurting most of the day, does not go away with pain medication and spreads into his jaw, neck and left arm.

I swear, if I hadn’t already done it, I would have totally beat …

Glad my Mom Babysits for Free

Monday, May 2nd, 2005

Evidence that there shouldn’t be wireless in the coffeeshop where I’m working on my book stuff:

To: SJ
From: Mollie Whatchu doin? Tom + Katie = EWWWWW

To: Mollie
From: SJ i am holding the babyyy
katie + tom= fake publicity stunt. shes very privare as is he so the kisses in rome dont make sense.
i’ve thought about this too much. go to defamer dot com and there is MORE! MORE! MORE!

To: SJ
From: Mollie It’s creepy…she was like 6 or 7 when Top Gun came out. I mean, ew!!!
Couldn’t he have picked one a little closer to his age? jus a little?

To: Mollie
From: SJ i read she’s staying a virgin until marriage…which i wonder because she was engaged …

Glory Days, Yeah They’ll Pass You By

Sunday, May 1st, 2005

After a long day yesterday where The Hubs and I hardly spent any time together (Him playing games, me at the House of Pies) I thought we were going to spend time together today. Not too long into our day, we get a call from some college friends of ours who invite us over for a BBQ.

Before I say anything else, I must say that here in Texas, BBQ is a verb, not a noun.

I wasn’t really in the mood to go, not because I don’t like these people, because they are perfectly nice, but because I don’t feel like I have much in common with them. You know, we all graduated and moved on and we had babies …

Mere Christianity

Friday, April 29th, 2005

I was talking to a very wonderful blogger yesterday and we were discussing how people seem to think they know you from what you write on the internet. I’m sure I am guilty of this crime as well. You read someone’s thoughts every day, read about their struggles and form your own opinion on this person and his or her life.

What is easy for all of us to forget is that you don’t read everything. Some people share everything, but I’m not like that. Most things I write about fall into two categories: It is entertaining/funny/a good story to share or it is something that is so pressing on my mind that I HAVE to write about it in order …

The Vagina Plight of Womankind

Tuesday, April 26th, 2005

Somewhere today, in between the cramping and the crawling and the sweeping the baby mouth for objects that do not belong there (For those of you keeping track, today we had tape, a stem, a leaf, some carpet fiber and waxy rutabaga skin) I thought to myself how tired I was.

Sure, last night’s Teething Hell 2005 was fun. Really fun. So fun, in fact, that I wanted to call each and every one of you at 2am and discuss all the fun I was having.

No, I was just TIRED. Still am.

You Moms (and Dads) who stay home know what I’m talking about. I’m sure those of you who also work know as well, but since I’m feeling a little, …

Reasonably Unreasonable

Tuesday, April 26th, 2005

I think the fun part of being a woman is coming up with unreasonable expectations for yourself. When I was younger, I read a book about puberty and growing up that told me that I should be able to put my hands around my waist and have my fingers touch.

Just so you realize, I can not put my hands around my child’s waist and have my fingers touch. Hurray for people who write completely outlandish books that screw up little girls’ minds that make them think they will never be thin enough! Everyone should think they are fat at the age of NINE!

You may remember, recently, how I became infuriated with my body due to the fact that it didn’t …

This Shirt Doesn’t Suck

Monday, April 25th, 2005

When you put your writings on the Internet, a lot of crazy things can happen. Certain family members can find you. They might send you questionable emails threatening to tell Mom and Dad. Sometimes these people harrass you upon reading your site.

Other times the ladies at the Preschool or the Moms Club may not like the fact that you use the “F” word and like to do your husband doggy style.

(Note to readers: I am not implying that Melissa does her husband doggy style. I do not know about her bedroom practices, though I am sure by his Metrosexual prowess and her cuteness that there are plenty of practices going on.)

Anyway, as some of you people may or …

History’s Mystery

Monday, April 25th, 2005

Every couple of months or so, I have to bring Miss E to the doctor so they can do her “well baby” checkup. For me, this means dressing and undressing my child and trying to change her diaper with the mobility of a stealth bomber while hoping she doesn’t fall off the exam table or ingest needles when I’m not looking.

How’s that for a run on sentence?

Anyway, each visit, my doctor, a very nice lady who oddly enough looks like my Mom, tells us things that should be happening. Things such as “you should start feeding the baby food…but not junk food.”

This most recent visit had her telling me that it was time to start the Sippy Cup. “Okay!” I …

I’m not racist because, see, I totally wanted the Black Pope!

Tuesday, April 19th, 2005

The feeling of grief overwhelmes me. I sit in a coffee shop on a Tuesday afternoon, something that should excite me. It is, afterall, the first time I have ever been away from The Baby on a weekday doing something that didn’t have to do with my boobs, cooter or craziness.

Instead, I feel the tightening in my throat and the nausea waves in my stomach. It isn’t a pregnancy, no, I “checked” again this morning after last night’s intense desire for a turkey leg boughten from a fair. I am not sure if boughten is a word but it is for this blog. It is my blog and I make up words as I so well please.

Also desired: BBQ potato …

Pee Squared

Tuesday, April 19th, 2005

Back when I found out I was pregnant, I remember thinking to myself that my world had come to an end. Who cares that it was going to become So Much Better than I ever imagined, a baby meant change and I just wasn’t good with change.

So I did something I’m completely ashamed of now as I love my daughter very much. I cried. And cried. I cried here and there and there and here and if you asked me how I felt I’d probably tell you the truth and make you think how horrible a person I was.

Anyway, one day, I got into our nice large shower and started crying. I sat on the bottom of the tub, the …

Poop Happens

Sunday, April 17th, 2005

Yesterday, as I sat at the dining room table, laughing at the cattiness over at the CBB, Miss E hung out in her play area a few feet away from me. I kept watch on her as she tried to figure out how to climb over the beanbags we use to keep her away from the rest of the house, also known as the Land Where Things Magically Disappear Into Her Mouth.

Then I heard a cry. Not just a normal “You stupid woman, let me play with knives!” cry, but a cry of pain. I rushed over to her, swooping her into my arms to comfort her. Then I smelled it: Poop.

We walked into the bathroom, where her changing …

What else do I write? I don’t have the right.

Friday, April 15th, 2005

Usually, right around Christmastime, I start thinking about years past and how they compare with the current year. What was I doing during Christmas in the past? What am I doing now? How is it different?

I now have a new day that I’ll probably stop and contemplate. One year ago tomorrow was the day I got fired. It happened on a Friday, however, so I’m going to say one year ago today.

I called The Hubs up at work and he didn’t seem to get the significance. He kind of chuckled and said “okay” as I explained How Important This Day Is!

April 16, 2004 was the first of many days where I honestly felt as if I couldn’t go on. I …

27 Pee Tests at a Typewriter Can’t be Wrong!

Thursday, April 14th, 2005

I remember hearing from women who would go on and on about how much they “loved being pregnant!” They’d sit there, a far off look in their eyes as they thought about expanding bellies and dark nipples.

I didn’t exactly consider myself to be a “good” pregnant person. Sure, there were plenty of outside influences on my pregnancy that made it less than ideal. Overall, I didn’t lay around, rubbing my belly, saying “I could be like this forever.” Instead I counted down the weeks until it was over and done with.

Obviously, nine months later, my body still remembers that.

Since other people were capable of getting knocked up for the second time, I assumed it would happen to me as well. …

Dr. Quack

Wednesday, April 13th, 2005

If it loos like a duck, quacks like a duck and says “hello my name is Duck,” it is safe to say it is actually a monkey.

SJ goes to a chiropractor, hilarity does not ensue.

It seemed like a good idea at the time. You know, my child was crying or whining or looking cute, things that kids do, and I leaned down to pick the little bugger up. At that moment, I realized not all was “right” in my right shoulder.

I had pain. All over. Damn it all to h e double hockeysticks, I pinched a freakin’ nerve.

So I do what I’ve always done with a pinched nerve. I call a chiro. Only problem is that every time I’ve pinched …

Twattalk

Tuesday, April 12th, 2005

Hi! Would you like to hear about my vagina’s day? Today, my vagina woke up and it sat on the potty. I wiped my vagina very nicely and then covered it up with some underwear. Later on, my vagina got a bath where I used blue bodywash and a loofa.

My vagina is very clean.

What? You don’t want to hear about my vagina? Then why are you so up in my vagina’s business?

Basically, to make a long story short, Target had a maternity tshirt that said “An epidural is in my near future.” Then some women got all mad because it is SOOOO irresponsible and bad and all of us who have epidurals are going to have mutant babies and …

Fecal Matters

Monday, April 11th, 2005

When it comes to beauty, there’s just some things a guy can’t understand. The Hubs, for example, totally freaks out when I use conditioner if my shaving cream runs out. How dare I put something that belongs on the hair on my head on the hair on my legs?

Oh my gosh! Someone alert the village elders!

I did something this week, something I read about in one of those beauty magazines that I shouldn’t admit I read but I do. I had a “boo boo” on my cheek. A big, red booboo that just sat there, laughing at me. I woke up, went into the hall closet, pulled out the Preparation H and brought it into the bathroom.

I pulled out …

Can’t leave it up

Monday, April 11th, 2005

Okay. I’ve calmed down. I’ve napped. A funny thing happens when I write on here. I put it down and a few minutes later, I don’t remember what I wrote. I guess I’ll have to go back and see.

I think what is happening is mental and emotional, not physical. That means, I don’t feel the need to get a job though I can understand why someone would say that. I have been making efforts to get out and Play with and talk to people so that’s good. Doing stuff like that isn’t easy for me as I am a recluse. But I’ve enjoyed the friendships and I know they’re good to have.

Taking care of a little one can be very …

I play with my axe wound at the park

Friday, April 8th, 2005

I get a call this morning from The Hubs, who asks if I want to go eat lunch with him and some of his coworkers. I oblige and at 11:15, Miss E and I arrive, fake Cheerios in hand.

Anyway, there’s not much to tell of the lunch but I thought I’d share a little conversation that had me in tears (the good kind) by the end.

Fabulous Widow (to me): I’m going to cut you.
Me: I already have an axe wound.
Guy: Really? You do?
Me: Yeah.
Guy: I want to see it.
Me: You would, probably because you’ve never seen one before.
Everyone: Laughs.
Guy: I don’t get it. Where is your axe wound?

Okay, damn. It was much funnier in person, probably because I’m butchering this …

If I fertilize the grass, will it be greener?

Thursday, April 7th, 2005

The first time I went to my therapist, she pointed out that I had a “grass is always greener” syndrome. Somewhere along the way, I had convinced myself that if only X happened, then everything would be perfect.

If I have long hair, I need to cut it short. Short hair? Gotta grow it out.

Can you GUESS why we moved to North Carolina? Can you guess who decided that NC was THE place to be? Then, once we were in NC, I decided that all would be well if we bought a house. Can you guess who bought a house? When we lived in NC, sometimes The Hubs would point out that all of it was MY idea. And, every …

Cletus is one scary biatch

Tuesday, April 5th, 2005

Sometimes, when I get bored, I like to lurk around on messageboards. So, just now, I was lurking on a message board, reading the posts, when I saw something “odd.”

You see, these women on IVillage pay $$ to add “signatures” to their bulletin board posts. I guess the signatures can be of pictures or names or whatever they want. Most people have one or two of them, nothing much. (By the way, I do not have anything because I’m not paying money for something like that. And? I just don’t get it.) Anyway, there was one lady who had 37 SPECIAL SIGNATURES.

37. I started counting then got lost in the absurdity of them all and had to go back …

Foodie Foodicus

Tuesday, April 5th, 2005

I have this one cousin, we shall call this cousin Artificial Insemination Girl, whose mother never made her eat anything. This child, who is really an early teen now, is the most picky thing on the face of the Earth.

If I remember correctly, she doesn’t even like ice cream. In fact, her tastes were so weird that I’m not sure if she actually eats food. She probably eats grass or something odd like that. Her Mom never made her eat dinner or lunch and if she didn’t want to eat it, well, she didn’t have to.

Way to pick out a sperm donor, Auntie.

Anyway, tomorrow I am going out for lunch with Cas and her Pod. We live …

The Land Before Time

Tuesday, April 5th, 2005

Back in the day, during the time I refer to as “Before Baby” (What? There was a no baby time?) I enjoyed taking sleeping pills. Unisom, to be exact.

For those of you not in the know, taking a sleeping pill and then seeing how long you can stay awake while fighting the grog is totally fun. Usually, by the time I crashed into bed, I couldn’t tell you my address, middle name or the city I lived in. Good times.

I also tended to get really grumpy right before I crashed. I guess that whole drug-induced sleepiness does have its setbacks. In the almost 9 months since baby was born, I haven’t taken a Unisom even once.

For one reason, she …

Totally innappropriate, part 2, 765

Sunday, April 3rd, 2005

Just got off the phone with Mom. Here’s the last part of our conversation.

Mom: “Where’s a good Mexican restaurant?”

Me: “Um, there’s Guadalajara.”

Mom: “No.”

Me: “Okay, well there’s that one over behind the McDonalds we went to a few times.”

Mom: “……..”

Me: “Past Rayford Road. In Oak Ridge.”

Mom: “……….”

Me: “It’s next to Love Works.”

Mom: “Oh! That place! Okay!”

Me: (Silent because I just gave directions to my Mom by referencing an Adult Store.)

Mom: “So, ever been in there?”

Me: “No.”

Mom: “You know, buy some edible panties?”

Me: “You’re disgusting. You’re my Mom.”

When the going gets tough, the tough stand in the shower

Saturday, April 2nd, 2005

I was fine until today. Really. I had managed, for the most part, not to think of all the tumor excitement. I managed to go out with my Mom, take naps and watch movies and exist.

Then, I was sitting in Ellie’s room with her, watching her climb all over The Hubs, and I pulled her into my lap to read a book. Then it hit me, like a cannon ball travelling at top speed, aimed right at my heart.

What if something is wrong?

I finished the book and went to take a shower. I shaved under my arms as the thoughts kept rolling in, thoughts telling me that something bad was going to happen and blah blah blah. I …

Event Planner

Friday, April 1st, 2005

There’s a question that people ask that absolutely drives me up the wall. “Is the glass half full, or half empty?”

Otherwise, are you an optimist or pessimist?

Well, it depends on if I’m thirsty or not. Am I in the desert? Have I just drank a large glass of something? Am I in the mood for something to drink? Do I even LIKE what is in the glass?

I don’t think I normally look at a glass and think if it is full or empty. Usually, I’m like “there is a glass with something in it.”

I think I have this take on life. I can’t honestly say if I am an optimist or pessimist, though those closer to me may say otherwise. …

Luck of the draw

Thursday, March 31st, 2005

When it comes to my health, I am the Queen of all Weird Symptoms. If something odd that cannot be explained will happen, it will probably happen to me.

Back in 2000, I went on a mission trip to Kazkhastan. While there, I developed agonizing tendonitis in my right foot. But, that wasn’t the weird thing: Not long after I arrived home, I found myself faced with a happy little surprise.

Bloody poop.

The Hubs, who was known as The Boyfriend at the time, encouraged me to tell my Mom, The Nurse, that Old Mr. Redeye was really red now. She worked in an emergency room at the time and the consensus was that I needed to give them a sample. In other …

Jewish is as Jewish Does

Wednesday, March 30th, 2005

It turns out that when I have a glass of something to drink that I can become what my husband likes to call “a pest.”

A pest does the “running man” in the brownie isle of the grocery store. A pest plays blow on the baby’s belly instead of walking around with the grocery cart. It also turns out that a pest grabs her husband’s crotch when he is sitting at a stop light.

(Editor’s Note: He says I can do the running man. He says that grabbing his genitals while he is driving is pesty.)

Anyway, so we’re sitting at the stop light and he says something on the line of “I am fuh-” and stops himself.

“I am fuh-king stupid,” I say. …

Six degrees…

Wednesday, March 30th, 2005

This weekend I went to this person’s house where there were several other people sitting around the table, talking. Anyway, there was this guy there and he told me something very interesting.

His friend worked at one of the hotels here in town. Recently, the friend was going through their cancelled orders for some reason, when he came across a very interesting room order.

It was for a Mr. Scott Peterson from Modesto, California.

It seems as if Mr. Scott Peterson had planned on spending Dec. 24-27 (which was, by the way, the anniversary of Laci Peterson’s disappearance) here in town. Unfortunately, I can’t remember if this was for 2003 or 2004. The friend, finding this information very interesting, made …

Same, but different

Wednesday, March 30th, 2005

Before I met The Hubs, I wondered to myself what love would be like. I imagined it as a form of the love I had for my parents: This never ending love that you feel for someone, even if they do something bad that hurts you and makes you cry.

Once I met him, in 2000, I found out what love really is. It is this beautiful thing, something that can hardly be described in words; something that is better portrayed by a passing glimpse, a hand on a thigh, a gentle hug. Sure, someone else could glimpse at me or place their hand on my thigh, but not in the same way.

Nobody can love me like he does. …

Vagina Power

Tuesday, March 29th, 2005

I have a feeling that one day, Ellie is going to get in trouble for saying “Power to the vaginas” while at school. You see, I speak of the Vagina Power often. While changing her diaper. While talking to daddy. While sitting around on the living room floor, playing.

Power to the vaginas! The vaginas shall rule the Earth!

The Hubs once pointed out to me that all the doctors appointments I make are with female doctors. Since I am the one whose job it is to make these appointments, I get to choose who we shall go and see. Honestly, I don’t think we have a male doctor on our list and it really doesn’t bother me. I like to support …

Blog Valley Junior High

Monday, March 28th, 2005

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it a million times. The internet is like junior high. I’d say “high school” except I really didn’t come in contact with as stupid people then as I do now on the internet. The maturity level that I see on the internet is pretty much what I saw way back when I was 13.

You’ve got the cliques. You have the badmouthing. You have people acting immature because they are jealous of other people. You have people who gang up on other people and say nasty things that make people cry. People get harrassed. My personal favorite, however, is the complete inability to realize that everything is not about you.

Hey! Did you know …

Road trip!

Monday, March 28th, 2005

This weekend, before we went to The House of Pies, we made the trek down into Houston to go to a museum. Not just any museum, but a Contemporary Arts Museum, which meant that people could poop on a piece of paper and call it “art.”

Unfortunately for me, there was no poop on paper, but there were balls of horse hair that a sign said had something to do with black people.

Black people and horse hair. I don’t get it.

The deal is, and I have a feeling you aren’t surprised, is that I’m not one for art museums. I agreed to go to this one because of the hope of poop papers and that 1. it was free 2. it …

Roses really smell like poo poo poo

Saturday, March 26th, 2005

Dear Ellie,

In case you ever try to tell me that your “shit don’t stink,” I can officially say “Yes. It does.” I guess that teaches me to give you refried beans at a Mexican restaurant.

You are bidding on a Stich doll that may or may not be haunted.

Quick! You’re a Star!

Thursday, March 24th, 2005

Not long after we moved to North Carolina, we were standing in the furniture section of a Cost Plus when a guy approached us. He commented on The Hubs’ Texas A&M shirt and struck up a conversation. Turned out the guy was also from Texas and asked if we wanted to get coffee sometime.

Wanting to make new friends, we drove 30 or so minutes to go meet him for coffee at a Borders bookstore. Not long into the conversation, he starts talking about money. He asks me if I’d like to have a lot of money with a nice car and fancy clothes.

“No,” I say. “We’re not into superficial things like that.”

The guy turns and gives The Hubs …

Cooter Creams

Wednesday, March 23rd, 2005

Have you ever had a moment where you question everything you believe in and begin to wonder “what the heck am I doing here?”

I had that moment at 3:45 am CST. We had originally planned on letting “the baby” cry herself back to sleep when she wakes up at night. Unfortunately for us, “the baby’s” screams were louder than the walls were thick and we heard it. And ignored it. And she screamed louder. It got to the point where we had to do something because the screaming wasn’t stopping.

We decide to have a half-assed sleepy conversation that went something like this: “What do we do?”

Okay, so I’m stupid. I went and got her and had her in bed with …

Doing it right.

Tuesday, March 22nd, 2005

I was on the phone with Y earlier today, when the subject of our husbands came up.

Gah, we’re two catty housewives bitchin’ about our men, aren’t we?

Anyway, I was telling her how I’m about the Worst Wife Ever. I was watching TV on Friday when I saw a show on husbands who don’t do anything around the house. You know, the wife is busy cooking and cleaning and popping out babies, and he’s busy drinking coffee and scratching his nuts.

The Hubs looked at me and said “It is the opposite for you, isn’t it? You got married and Bam! Everything gets done around the house!”

The Hubs cooks and cleans and brings out the trash. Sometimes, you know, I help. …

Haulin’ Boulders

Monday, March 21st, 2005

Yesterday I went to the store. But, I didn’t just walk around the store like I normally do. No, I strutted around the store. Hips moving, head held high, boobies out. I thought to myself on several occassions that “I look great! I feel awesome! I’m hot!”

Why? Yesterday, for the first time in 17 months, I went running. We walked/ran for 45 minutes. So what does that mean? My boobies are little again!

I have little boobies! I’m now wearing a pre-pregnancy bra!

I forgot how great it was to run. I absolutely LOVE running. I’m back on my old trails, tearing up the pavement as I zip around town on my fast little feet. I kicked The Hubs’ ass, I’m …

Do Not Mess With the White People

Friday, March 18th, 2005

When we bought a house in Durham, North Carolina, we bought a new home in one of those cookie cutter neighborhoods where everything looked the same: Two story with white or grey siding and one pear tree in the yard.

This neighborhood had a “home owners association” which we thought meant that the neighborhood would be kept in tip top shape. What this association really meant was that we paid $$ every month to a group that did nothing about all the idiots in our neighborhood who didn’t care that their houses/yards/driveways looked like shit.

I spent way too much time calling this association and complaining about all the idiots who felt it was okay to leave cardboard boxes out in their …

My lovely bone.

Friday, March 18th, 2005

I have a little lesson for all you single people out there looking for a mate. When you are looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with, there’s something you probably haven’t considered. When you are snuggling up to Mr. or Miss Wonderful, ask yourself “Could I spend the rest of my life having the same argument/discussion over and over with this person?”

Because, people, you will have the same disagreement with this person, forever and ever, amen.

Every night, we get into bed and The Hubs turns the fan onto high. I start to whine and tell him how the fan is making me cold and yadda yadda yadda. He then says that the fan can’t possibly …

Eggs in a basket

Thursday, March 17th, 2005

This morning, like every morning, I thought about what I planned on writing as I went about my daily business. Bored and unable to think of anything that didn’t have to do with poop, I packed up the baby and headed out.

We get about two stoplights away when it hit me: I will write about Politically Correct People and how they drive me nuts. As I think more and more about this topic, I find myself becoming very agitated. I thought about certain PC people and had a feeling the post would use the words “fuck” and “fucking” more than my average post.

Then I went into the bookstore.

For me, as a writer, going into a bookstore is like a …

The Art of Makin’ Bacon

Tuesday, March 15th, 2005

Recently, I was on the phone with my Mom when she mentioned the fact that she had traded in her SUV for a different model. Somehow, during this conversation, she hinted to the fact that it would have room for grandkids.

“It will be able to fit both you and The Hubs with room for two car seats!”

Well…let’s see. We only have the need for one car seat right now. Why would she want another one? Oh! She wants another grandchild!

I get it.

The decision when and if to procreate is a very personal one. Not as personal is the “where” factor as shown to us by the two people dry humping by our pool last week. But, deciding whether or …

Why yes, I have a vagina. Thank you for calling it out.

Saturday, March 12th, 2005

Not long after Ellie was born, I came up with the thought to write a parenting book. It seemed like a good idea, you know, because I like writing, I’m a parent and well, I like books.

So I came up with a title and all the fancy things one needs to do to write a book. I recently spoke with someone about my book and she thought I could change it up a little to make it really stand out. She said that the title of the book would also need to change to go along with the new theme.

Yesterday afternoon, I went to my friendly local coffee shop to work on my book. A few mintues into it, I …

I’ll special your K

Friday, March 11th, 2005

Remember, back in the day, when you’d go out with a friend and perhaps someone would rehash what happened on the phone?

Then people spoke about what happened via email. Now? We rehash it over blogs. Awesome. Earlier this week we went out with Special K and The Merry Widow.

Then Special K saw that I wrote about him so he wrote about me. Yeah!! He forgot the part where he said I was neat and funny and totally cute. Admit it, Special K. Admit it.

You want to touch my boobies. Well, that’s not going to happen, but I’m more than happy to tell you about the stretching of the cooter again.

There’s nothing as cool as doing something …

Thank you internet for you have ruined me.

Friday, March 11th, 2005

I think that writing on this blog has ruined me. Words just come out of my mouth in “real life” that I’d normally censor but forget to censor because I’m used to the blog.

I’m on the phone with my Mom while I’m out running the errands today. I’m standing in the parking lot of the local grocery store when a certain person comes into our conversation.

Me: “Did you tell so and so that (this person) could suck my dick?”
Her: “No.”
Me: “Well you should have.”
Her: “When did you get a dick?”
Me: “I bought it at the store. We live in The Whitelands. You can get anything here.”
Her: “I could see you whapping that thing around.”
Me: “You know I would. I’m all …

Million dollar babies

Friday, March 11th, 2005

Yesterday, we went to playgroup. I’m not going to lie when I say I go for several reasons. First, it gets me out of the house. Second, Ellie loves to interact with the other babies (I call her a shark at these outings) and third, I’m going for my book.

I’m trying to keep an open mind at these things. Really. The only deal is, it seems as if they’ve all been best friends! forever and they aren’t really in the mood for a new member in the group. I’m trying. I even tried to get everyone talking by asking what they did before they became professional butt wipers.

I tried.

Anyway, so we’re sitting there and everyone was talking about how they …

You were meant for me and I was meant for you.

Thursday, March 10th, 2005

Yesterday, I went to lunch with my friend. We will call her “Bree.” Anyway, Bree said the most wonderful thing to me. She said that she told her parents that she had never seen two people who were more meant for each other more than myself and The Hubs.

Awwwwww. Please wipe the vomit off your computer screen so you can continue reading this.

I think we are “meant” for each other because no one else could put up with either of us. Today, I got an email from my sister-in-law, Ands. Oops, I said her name.

Ands. Ands. Ands. Hi Ands.

Anyway, this email is a ticket confirmation that says she will be coming to visit us at the end of March. I …

Always something.

Tuesday, March 8th, 2005

Fifties housewife day will not be happening today. At first, I planned on explaining how my grandpa had a stroke last night and I spent all night with him in the emergency room. (He’s doing okay, by the way. It seemed to be a small stroke.)

So I figured I’d just go about my daily business today and have 50s housewife day tomorrow. Then I got a comment on a post. I’ve been crying all morning and I just don’t feel like being a housewife right now.

Without going into too much detail, it turns out that some people I am related to decided to go through my archives. They took some things out of contex, totally misunderstood sarcasam in some places …

I’ll put a rub on your pot roast.

Monday, March 7th, 2005

Since I “outed” myself today as another bored housewife, tomorrow I will become the ultimate 50s housewife!

I will get up early and shower immediately instead of showering during naptime! I will fix myself breakfast, even if my teething child screams the entire time I do so! The bed? Consider it made.

The clothes? Dressed to the “nines.” I will match. I won’t wear jeans. I will go to the grocery store so I can make a fancy dinner for “my man.”

I will do what the 50s housewife never did, I will blog about it the entire time. Didn’t 50s housewives drink? Do I get to drink all day?

My new tagline: The Sarcastic Journalist…boring you with minute details.

The inner beast decides to blog

Monday, March 7th, 2005

Yesterday, I laid on the couch all day long. Every time The Hubs asked me what was wrong, I answered with “tired, frustrated and bored.” Tired: I wanted a nap. Frustrated: I felt like kicking butt. Bored: I was tired and frustrated with the same ol’ everyday.

After a day of the blahs, I went to bed. Usually, I wake up the next morning and everything is fine. I still feel the same way today. Perhaps not to the extreme as yesterday, but I feel tired and agitated.

You know something is wrong when you suggest having six babies so you can be on Extreme Home Makeover and get a big, fancy house.

Big fancy house? Excitement!

I think my hormones are …

Don’t ask, don’t tell.

Sunday, March 6th, 2005

When I started this website, I totally intended for it to stay anonymous. I liked it that way because then I could say whatever the hell I wanted and not have to answer to anyone. But then I got fired and, you know, I had to explain to my family what exactly I did to get myself canned.

So they knew about this site, but I don’t think they were reading.

Then I end up on the front page of The Washington Post and all of a sudden, EVERYONE I know from real life is reading my site. To tell the truth, I freaked. I thought about moving domains. I thought about censoring myself. I thought about throwing a tantrum where I …

Prince Albert

Thursday, March 3rd, 2005

I love my husband. You should know that by now, but I really do. Yesterday, when I called him at work during my “I’m not going to LA now what the hell am I going to do” phase, he offered to come home. My beautiful, tall, wonderful husband offered to leave work because I was crying.

So, knowing me so well, he came up with an idea to cheer me up. The first part involved Mexican food and alcohol. Enchiladas and margaritas! With Miss Fabulous herself! The second part of his “Cheer My Wife Up Campaign” involved shopping.

Shopping! For me!

So today I went to do some retail therapy, a phrase that I’m not sure how I feel about. …

I’ve never been one for rejection

Wednesday, March 2nd, 2005

Praise Jesus! I’m healed! I’m HEALED!

While keeping up on all the media stories that ran the Washington Post story (so I can include their names in my book proposal,) I came across two negative things said about me and my site.

“Hey anonymous idiot! You’re fired!”
“…her blog changed after she got ‘popular.’”

The first one, I laughed. Anonymous Idiot. Hmm…pretty good. The second one, instead of getting all huffy and saying “What? What are you talking about!” I just went “of course it changed. I don’t have a job and I had a baby. What I write about is going to change.”

Even though the thought of making up some fake coworkers and bitching about them nonstop could be fun….I think I’ll stick …

Not able to Believe.

Tuesday, March 1st, 2005

Earlier tonight, The Hubs and I went on our daily walk, when we got into an intense conversation. He said that I need to get out of the house more, that I need to stop being such an introvert. It seems as if my staying at home by myself is something he thinks I need to stop doing so much. Later on, as we entered the apartment complex, I mentioned how he has never been alone with Ellie for more than a few hours at a time. Ever.

“Well, fine,” he said. “Go somewhere and I’ll watch her!”
“I don’t have anywhere to go for 9 hours,” I said. “But I’ll find somewhere and I’ll go and you’ll have to watch …

Boring is as boring does

Monday, February 28th, 2005

Last night, I woke up about 2 in the morning, on my belly, safely tucked under my covers when it hit me: I had just dreamed about folding laundry.

Folding laundry?

In my groggy state, I thought to myself “how boring!” How boring can a person be to dream about doing household chores? What’s up on tonight’s dream schedule, cleaning the toilet?

I loaded the little one into the car today to head out to Borders Bookstore to use part of my Christmas gift card. And since I’m continuing my “boring” theme, I’ll tell you what I bought: Prep. ,

I know some people say “how can you stay home everyday? Don’t you get bored?” Well, sometimes I do. But honestly, I’m not as …

B-Day

Wednesday, February 23rd, 2005

Guess what day Thursday is?

If you guessed possible biopsy day, you are RIGHT! Congrats. You get a needle in the boob as well.

Think twice.

Tuesday, February 22nd, 2005

Why we do not double cross the Shenuts:

If you tell me that you “have to go work” instead of talking to me on the phone about how to fix the cable situation, be prepared that I will retaliate by playing Baby Barber Shop.

You hate it when I cut her hair? I HATE IT WHEN I DON’T HAVE TV.

Darn it all to heck!

Tuesday, February 22nd, 2005

The Baby is finally starting to babble. Usually we hear strings of “bah bah bah” but today there was a “mah mah” in there. Of course I decided she was saying “mama” and she loves me very, very much!

It seems as if “Some People” think we need to “watch our language” in front of the baby. I guess they think using the F-bomb is wrong as is all the other fun four-letter words that have dotted my vocabulary since I was 12.

In case you didn’t know, it has been said that I have a mouth like a drunken sailor. Personally, I believe that a drunken sailor might say “Arrrrr, maties” a little more than I do.

Wait. That’s a pirate.

I don’t …

No blood on my hands.

Monday, February 21st, 2005

There are conspiracy theories for everything. We didn’t land on the moon. The government killed JFK. Who framed Roger Rabbit?

I’m adding a new one into the mix. The car industry and the car seat industry are in cahoots. They’re out to get us.

We do not own a big car. We own a Toyota Camry and it has served us well. We sit in the car, we hit the gas and the car takes us places. How ideal.

Then, yesterday, we pushed our luck. We went to Babies R US to buy Ellie a new car seat because, at 7 months, she was getting a little too big for her baby seat. We buy a “cheap” seat ($80! WTF?) and The Hubs …

www.HaHaNotSoMuch.com

Friday, February 18th, 2005

It started so innocently. Ink for the printer. I must get ink for my printer so I can print things. Things! Beautiful things! On paper!

Printer paper!

Target had the ink and it even had the paper. But then? They had panties! Big, beautiful panties for my big, beautiful butt!

You see, my mediums just aren’t cutting it anymore. Sure, they fit but they don’t fit like underwear should fit. You should not be aware of your underwear at any time. For some reason, and I’m blaming it on the maternity underwear that were the most comfortable things in the world, my underwear were making my life miserable. I needed a size large. (This was a sad day to go up in size, …

You made me do it.

Friday, February 18th, 2005

Where the heck is everyone? This blog seems very quiet recently. I guess I need to go back to talking about my lack of libido (hi, DAD!) and then those 50+ comments will come up again.

Yes, you see that correct. My Dad reads my site. So does my Mom and every other family member and coworker of theirs, I’m sure.

It seems as if nobody can resist the Shenuts.

For the longest time, I tried to keep this anonymous. I still consider myself an “anonymous” blogger, even though most of you read about me in one of the newspapers and have seen my name and picture.

But, I don’t care. I’m anonymous. So when people I know in real life, people who …

Little Boobie People Must Shut UP

Friday, February 18th, 2005

Yesterday, I was watching Oprah and they were talking about how women can wear different clothes to make themselves look ten pounds thinner! I’m sitting there, watching the ladies look very nice in their new outfites, when the stupid little boobied British lady says “You should do the pencil test.”

The pencil test? According to the flat chested Brit, if you can hold a pencil under your boobs, well they’re sagging. I’m not sure what that had to do with clothes as Ellie started crying in her crib so I missed the next part of the show.

A pencil? A little pencil?

So, I did a test. What else can I hold under my boob?

A soap bottle.
A small candle holder.
A remote …

Selfish grief

Wednesday, February 16th, 2005

Sometimes I hear people say “But I’ve never experienced a loss such as that before…” and it just irks me. I’m not annoyed with them; its almost as if I get mad and think “That’s not fair.”

I’ll hear it from someone in their twenties or thirties and I think to myself “How could you have gone this far in life without something happening that truly knocked you to your knees?”

There’s a part of me, an itty bitty little part, that tells me that I should be happy for them that nothing bad has ever happened. But then there is the rest of me, the jealous me, the tired me, the part of me that has experienced pain and grief so …

Here’s my thread, let’s hang.

Wednesday, February 16th, 2005

Time completely changes when one has a baby. Before the baby came, I remember sitting at work, banging my head against the desk. I’d look at the clock and think “I have been here for 10 whole minutes. Nine hours and fifty minutes to go.”

Days seemed to go on forever. Friday was as far away as Christmas.

Time has completely changed since Ellie came around. When she was first born, I adjusted to staying up in the middle of the night and got used to watching ABC World News Now at 4am. I look at these past seven months and wonder where the time went.

Sometimes I blink and it is Friday. Friday? Wasn’t it just Monday?

The Hubs has to …

Get a room! With blinds!

Tuesday, February 15th, 2005

Once upon a time, I worked as a lifeguard at the snooty country club here in The Whitelands. Even though I hated the boringness that was lifeguarding, I became a people watcher. I could sit in my lawn chair, sunglasses on, watching the people in their bathing suits.

Half naked people that I got paid to watch? I was in Heaven.

I enjoyed the days when the young trophy wife with her inflated balloon fake boobies arrived in her thong. All the men from the golf shop would stop what they were doing and line the windows as she oiled herself up by the pool.

There was also a couple that were cheating on each other. I enjoyed watching them show up at …

touch me, take me to that other place

Tuesday, February 15th, 2005

If I had a theme song for today, U2 would be rocking on my balcony, belting out “It’s a beautiful day!” for everyone to hear. Perhaps Bono would nod at me while singing the lyrics, confirming what I already know.

It’s a beautiful day. Don’t let it get away.

80 degrees and sunny here in normally bland Houston. People are sunbathing at the pool, a view I have from my apartment balcony. The sky is blue, the trees are green…is it really February?

There’s this one blog that I’ve rediscovered recently, a blog that every time I read it, I feel that I need to pack up the family, put on a pretty dress and become a world traveller. I’d have …

Bitter Sweet Changes

Monday, February 14th, 2005

It turns out that Friday was the last morning that I would get to sleep in with the baby laying next to me. Now, she never laid there peacefully, instead choosing to grab my hair and claw my face until I would get out of bed and bring her into the toy jungle that is our living room, but it was “sleep.”

All of that changed this morning when she crawled over the pillow barrier I set up for her and fell out of bed. She landed with a thud, one heard by the Hubs in the shower, and she promptly started crying.

I felt horrible. I let my baby fall out of bed.

But these things happen. She’s getting bigger, doing more …

Forget Oscar, try the Hermie!

Sunday, February 13th, 2005

My husband is a very, very smart man. He has his Masters and works in the field of “research.” However, that being said, he speaks his own language and I’m not talking “geek speak,” which he does plenty.

We’re sitting here, I’m on the computer, he’s in the kitchen peeling an eggplant. The Grammys are on the television and he asks if it is the MTV Music Awards.

“No, it’s the Grammys,” I say while I continue typing.

“When are the Hermies?”

“What? The Hermies? What the heck are the Hermies? The Grammys are on tv.”

“You know. The T1000. The awards, they’re called the Hermies.”

“Uh, there are the Oscars.”

“No! The Hermies! They’re for movies.”

“You’re thinking of the Oscars.”

“Then what the hell …

Poop goes in the potty.

Sunday, February 13th, 2005

Since tomorrow is “Singles Awareness Day,” I mean, Valentines Day, I figure I will tell you about a “couples habit” that I find disgusting.

I have a friend, we’ll call her Betty Boob Job, who had a boyfriend that we will call Eric The Idiot. Betty Boob Job and Eric The Idiot were inseparable. You name it, they did it together…including pooping.

I remember when Betty Boob Job told me about this. “I made him poop in front of me,” she said. “Then I pooped in front of him.”

Okay, i’m all for togetherness, but pooping in front of each other? Isn’t there anything that is sacred in this world? Now The Husband and I will make comments such as “I need to …

Putting the adult in adult interaction

Friday, February 11th, 2005

Yesterday was the final day in my cake decorating class. A variety of people filled the class, including two high school students (sisters), and three stay at home Moms.

And then there was me.

The Hubs realized that I needed a cake even though “bringing a piece of cardboard I took a dump on” to class sounded so appetizing. I arrive at class 15 minutes late, a completely decorated grocery store cake in hand.

Everyone else has their “I made this from a box at home” cakes, perfectly iced, ready to go.

It just wasn’t my day yesterday. Icing bags kept busting, blue icing kept flying across the room. I dropped every tool possible on the floor and just couldn’t get my …

Start 15 minutes now…

Friday, February 11th, 2005

It started out simply enough. Our internet service went out last night. I complained, whined but really? No big deal. I’ll just wait and the internet will come back up for me.

I go out to Chipolte for my 3rd free burrito this week with the Hubs and his friends. On the way home, I stop by the library to check my email. It turns out that Shenuts.com is banned at my library! I’m obscene!

I get annoyed and then visit other sites that use the “F” word and the word “vulva.” But shenuts? NOOOOOOOOOOO.

Then I happen to look at the news. And of course, I have bad luck. Very, very bad luck. The day that my internet doesn’t work is the …

Regarding Blogging and Unemployment

Thursday, February 10th, 2005

I’ve been giving some thought to this whole fired for blogging thing and I really feel like I haven’t “set this straight” with all of you.

So, since this blog has received attention from the press and other bloggers, I am going to set the matter straight and hopefully, in the process, clear some things up.

Number one. I know what I did was wrong. I said so in the interviews. I blogged from work and about work. Plain and simple. Anytime you are doing something “at work” that is not work related, you know you are doing something wrong. Now is it as wrong as what I did? Maybe, maybe not. Depends on the issue at hand. Blogging about your bosses …

Dumpster burrito

Tuesday, February 8th, 2005

You know that you’re desperate for “out to eat” food when you’ll wait for a baby to wake up from a nap, feed and change her, walk down 3 flights of stairs, put her into a car and then take her out and put her into a JOGGING STROLLER just so you can eat a burrito.

Not any burrito, but a free! burrito from Chipolte!

The fine folks at Chipolte sent out announcements for free burritos in the mail this past weekend. You got a white piece of paper that said “free burrito” on it and you could bring the paper in and someone would give you a free burrito!

With sour cream! And cheese! Cheese, glorious cheese!

So we got our free burrito …

Special Education, alright.

Monday, February 7th, 2005

When I was in high school, I had a thing for Asian babies, little old men and dogs, in no particular order. In fact, if I could have had a farm for all things Asian baby/old men/dogs, I probably would have started one.

As I grew older, my love for little old men declined somewhat, I got my own baby who was not Asian and we had a dog that crapped on our floor.

Needless to say, I’m glad I didn’t start my farm.

We live in an uppity suburb of Houston, a magical place where all the White People live and drive around in their magical SUVs and talk on headset cell phones.

We also happen to live in an apartment, which …

The Power of Sports

Monday, February 7th, 2005

I had always considered my family to be the “do whatever you want” family. When I was in high school, my house was the one everyone wanted to go to because we could get away with murder.

Invited 32 girls over for a sleepover? NO PROBLEM!
Leave the house at 3am to throw ketchup covered maxi pads at some guy friends? SURE!
Invite 10 girls over at 8am for pancakes? WHY NOT?

When it came to college, however, my Mom went all Atilla The Hun on me. Started making all these rules about “not going to big colleges” and such. So my choice was between an all girls school in Missouri or Colorado Christian University.

Since I didn’t want to go to “lesbian school” (hey, …

Gold plated vacation

Monday, February 7th, 2005

Sometimes, I may have a “problem” which seems so trivial that I shouldn’t be allowed to call it a “problem.”

For example: Donald Trump’s problem might be “deciding” how much gold to use to decorate his mansion. A problem, but a stupid problem indeed.

My sister-in-law has an advanced internship at Disney World. I happen to LOVE Disney World. We went there on our Honeymoon and I went there several times as a child.

That being said, our financial situation doesn’t make it very easy for us to go to Disney World as it costs about 5 zillion dollars to get into the park.

The Husband decides that I should “get a break.” He wants to send me to Disney World this summer, that …

Getting intimate…

Friday, February 4th, 2005

NOTE: If you are related to me, you better not read this. I swear. I will not speak to you again. There is a reason why this is an anonymous freakin’ blog.

My husband swears that TV, movies and magazines have ruined me. He says they have given me unreasonable expectations and that not everyone is “swinging from the ceiling” if you catch my drift.

Some people might have a low libido, meaning that they don’t want to “umm…” as often as they used to. That means that they still WANT to. But me? I call myself asexual. As in completely non-sexual.

It’s not the husband. The guy is hot and has a nice little booty. I love him dearly.

But me? I …

Welcome to my world.

Friday, February 4th, 2005

As I was lying in bed with Ellie a few minutes ago, I couldn’t stop thinking about The Muppet’s decision to go on hiatus.

First off, I really like her and have become friends with her so I don’t want to see a friend of mine get sucked back into “real life.”

But then it hit me. She wants to have a real life. She wants to leave all this to go out and experience a real life. She discussed how much time blogging and all that comes with it takes.

And I felt sad.

Am I wasting my time? It probably isn’t a surprise to many that I’ve thought about quitting blogging many times. Not because “someone is mean to …

Fleeting Fame

Friday, February 4th, 2005

I guess it’s good that the “No-it’s-not-dooce-media-whore” has been busy whoring him/herself out because some of it has landed in my lap.

Yes, the byproducts of someone else’s whorishness has landed in my lap. If you think about it, it could be a used condom or a baby.

But anyway, I’ve had several interviews recently. About the blog. None of them have run yet, so don’t worry about missing out on anything. But? Now? One of the interviewers WANTS A PICTURE OF ME!

They want a picture of me! And Ellie! And maybe The Hubs, who I have a feeling isn’t going to want to play along, and they want it THIS WEEKEND!

The funny thing is that I’ve told my Mom about these …

Sugar high!

Thursday, February 3rd, 2005

I knew there was a reason why “they” shouldn’t allow me in public.

Tonight, after much whining and moaning and complaining, I finally ponied up and went to cake decorating class. It isn’t that I didn’t want to go to cake decorating class, okay. I’m lying. I just didn’t want to go.

I wanted to watch The Apprentice.

Anyway, as I was saying, I ponied up and went to class. Tonight was clown cake decorating night. However, before we could decorate our cakes with clowns, we had to learn how to make flowers.

Making icing flowers is a multi step process. In fact, it takes so many steps that we learn it over THREE SEPARATE CLASSES. So tonight was step two night.

And …

I’d like to Venti my foot up your ass, thankyouverymuch.

Thursday, February 3rd, 2005

We were at the local Mervyn’s this past Monday, searching for a pair of jeans for The Hubs, when I saw something odd.

Hidden behind a freestanding sign and positioned next the escalator was a store directory. Only problem?

The directory had braille written on it. How in the heck would a blind person know to go behind a freestanding sign and touch the wall next to the escalator?

Why is there braille on drive up ATMs?

I have a theory about places of business. My theory is that you can tell if the business likes having customers with small children come in. First, they have a changing table in the restroom. You don’t know how many restaurants I have visited where …

Snickers

Thursday, February 3rd, 2005

I have something on me at all times. Sometimes I keep it in my pocket. Other times it is in my purse or tucked into my bra. I bring it running with me. I keep it near me at the pool or while I’m walking on the treadmill. I sleep with it next to my bed. Currently, it is sitting next to me on the couch, tucked between nail clippers and a remote control.

My chap stick.

Hello, my name is SJ and I am addicted to chap stick.

When I say addicted, I don’t mean “I like to have soft lips.” It goes so much beyone soft lips to the point where if I don’t have my chap stick, I feel panicky. …

The Naughty Book

Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005

EDITOR’S NOTE: I was getting ready to post this and then someone else does the same thing. Not too bad for a “fourth rate dooce wanna be.”

A couple of nights ago, my friends were here and we got on the topic of how CRAZY I am. Totally crazy, yo.

So I run to the bedroom and grab a book my sister-in-law gave me. This is the same sister in law who gave my baby the Kong in a Thong:

She gave us the book of Breasts. A children’s book devoted entirely to boobies! Boobs! Tits! Breasts!

And there is this one part of the book where I laugh every time I read it.

Babies love to be cuddled by their mothers.
And babies …

An Internet Love Letter

Tuesday, February 1st, 2005

Dear Internet,

First, if you are here, reading this, I want to say “thank you.” I had another one of those moments this morning where I said “I hate all this, I just want to quit.” You see, I have moments like these a lot, moments where I convince myself it is not worth my time to play with this blog everyday.

Of course, I’m not going to quit, but it crossed my mind. All because of some stupid person who is throwing her own issues on me, making me doubt myself. That is what it is when people say something nasty to make me feel bad about myself: They’re taking what problems they have internally and are projecting them onto me.

To …

If you sprinkle when you tinkle…

Monday, January 31st, 2005

While out to eat for the husband’s birthday dinner, I had to go “potty.” (Note: I didn’t have to take a “leak.” I’m such a Mom.) Being the type of person who doesn’t wet herself at the dinner table, I get up to go to the bathroom.

I bypass the first stall, even though I normally go in the first one. I walk to the second stall and see this:

I quickly walk past to the third stall and find this:

Who the heck drips period blood all over a toilet seat and LEAVES IT? Who pinches a loaf into a public toilet, wipes once and walks out? It seems to me that if you were unable to flush the toilet, you’d at …

Kitchen Aid

Monday, January 31st, 2005

Yesterday, our friend, The Major Airline Pilot Who Pooped In a Bathtub, arrived in our apartment and made an observation."Wow, your kitchen is clean.”

You see, we have a problem with keeping the kitchen clean. And when I say “we,” please know that it means “I” as The Husband swears that the problem of the nasty kitchen rests on my shoulders.

Somehow, people are getting the idea that I’m not that clean.

Tonight, The Husband and I are going out to eat to celebrate his birthday. We are leaving Ellie at home under the care of two of my friends from high school. No biggie, you’re saying. “So what? People understand the concept of messy houses.”

The problem is that my friend, The Missionary, …

I’m so vain, I probably think this blog is about me.

Sunday, January 30th, 2005

Last night, I eagerly sat down at my computer and pulled up the New York Times story about blogging parents.

A few paragraphs into the story, I started to feel a little down. By the end of the story, I felt downright depressed. I wondered why I felt that way from reading a stupid newspaper story, when it hit me: The way this story is written, it is made to make blogging parents look dumb.

This reporter decided to pick and choose which aspects of the blogs to write about. Instead of saying how it keeps a lot of us sane, keeping us “in touch” with others who are going through the same thing, it made blogging parents look like …

Here in the real world, it’s not that easy at all….

Saturday, January 29th, 2005

Dear Grandma,

Hi! How are you? I’m sorry that I haven’t been able to call you for awhile, but I’ve been really busy. I recently moved in with six other “strangers” into this really cool house. It used to be an orphanage, but they kicked out all the orphans and put in a sweet hot tub and some funky rooms!

I didn’t know these people before hand, so we call ourself the “seven strangers.” We all even have jobs together! We work in Hollywood, at a movie company, as interns. We get paid a lot of money to do nothing though I’m not happy with my job. Grandma, I totally should have been the lead actress in this movie but instead they …

Mama Mia!

Friday, January 28th, 2005

As I mentioned in an earlier post, my Mother has found my blog. (Hi Mom. Stop reading this now.) As we all know, I do not want my Mother to read my blog. In fact, if I know you in real life, unless I have given you the domain name myself, just assume that I do not want you to read this. (Mom. Stop. No more.)

But my Mom? She thinks I’m funny. She KNOWS that I don’t want her to read this, but she continues to do so. In fact, she mentions it in our phone conversations. “Oh, I was reading your site and you had that picture of Ellie…or that picture you drew of your boob was funny.”

I tried …

Pus this!

Thursday, January 27th, 2005

Since the topic of having a needle put into my boobie has come to surface, I feel the need to learn about needle biopsies in breastacles.

Last night, I read Army of Mom’s experience about having a needle biopsy done and all I could think was “Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.”

My friend, S, told me that her mom had a cyst in her boob lanced and that pus kept coming out of the hole. Pus! Pus is so much fun!

I’ve mentioned before that I want to be a pus doctor. You’d come into my office, show me the pus, and I’d take care of it. I would paint the walls yellow. Yellow carpet and furniture.

Except for the roof. The roof would be …

Now that’s romance.

Monday, January 24th, 2005

I’m sitting on the couch, watching a television show on plastic surgery, when the desire for some chocolate chcolate chip cookies hits me.

I walk into the kitchen and see this:

Now I know that if I see my husband playing with food coloring, something attached to a string and the camera, to come running.

HE said it was supposed to look like maggots on a bloody tampon.

Would you like some cheese on your boobie sandwich?

Monday, January 24th, 2005

I think I’m going to have to give my boobie a blog. My Boobie seems to want more attention than it is normally given.

We can make signs for my boobie. “I support SJ’s boob.”

I dropped off Ellie at my grandma’s house this morning, ten minutes later than I planned on doing. My grandma is like “Everything okay? Why are you going to the doctor?”

“Oh just a regular checkup!” I say, a little too perkily. “Checkups are fun! F-U-N! Nope! Nothing wrong here! No reason at all to worry!”

After waiting for one hour and fifteen minutes, I go and get a boobie ultrasound. Have you ever had a boobie ultrasound? They slather boobie gel on your boobie and then rub …

Foodie by Association

Sunday, January 23rd, 2005

A pot of boiled tomatoes is sitting in my kitchen.

Now that Ellie eats actual “food” (that word, we’ll leave in quotations because what she eat surely doesn’t resemble anything I would find palatable), we find ourselves in a Brave New World, a world where we play the game “I wonder if she’ll eat this?”

Back when Ellie was itty bitty, we got into the habit of not bathing her often. The entire act of bathing was a nuisance, with the wiping and the shampooing and the drying and the dressing. We were known to let her go many, many days without a bath due to one reason: pure and simple exhaustion.

At one point, my family said that my child smelled like …

Remember the times…

Thursday, January 20th, 2005

I just reread this entry I wrote back in May. It made me laugh and laugh and laugh.

Enjoy.

President Ellie

Thursday, January 20th, 2005

Ellie has decided she wants to run for President. That’s cool with me since I’ve always thought it would be fun to be the First Lady. Since The Hubs has no desire to be President, I guess I’ll settle for First Mama.

Ellie’s platform:

1. How to keep poo out of those baby crevices. No one should have a stinky crotch.
2. Naptime. Keep or get rid?
3. Forget Iraq. Bring on the green jello!
4. Instead of holding press conferences, she will continue to sit in her walker and scream her demands.
5. Breast milk for everyone!

More boobie fun!

Tuesday, January 18th, 2005

Since yesterday’s picture was so popular…

I had to go to the doctor this morning. At 8am. With Ellie since The Hubs hasn’t forgiven me from Friday’s 2+ hour long dentist visit in which he watched Ellie instead of worked.

Anyway, I show up at the doctor this morning, running late as usual. Since I was running late, I only had time to pump one boob. (Editor’s Note: Of course, my boobs would pick THIS MORNING to be like porn star hard and big. Of course!) Since I had to pump one boob, I picked the boob that was bringing me to the doctor.

When I get there, after going over all the questions, which included the fact that everyone in my family …

A Size E In a B World

Monday, January 17th, 2005

I remember, back when I was pregnant, I would dream about the day I wasn’t pregnant. I planned out my wardrobe, thought of cute shirts and pants and outfits that I would wear. After 9 months of basically wearing the same 3 shirts over and over, new clothes seemed like a lot of fun.

I guess what I didn’t prepare for was my boobs. It never occured to me that they’d get bigger. Sure, some people enjoy their supple breasteeding chest. And I’m sure these people were probably an A cup before they got knocked up.

So for me, being a DD before the kid came, things could only get worse. A, B, C, D, DD…

E!!!

E as in Elephant. E as in …

Commence IP Blocking Immediately.

Sunday, January 16th, 2005

I just got a phone call from my Mom. (MOM: IF YOU ARE READING THIS. STOP READING NOW. I WILL BEAT YOU.) She’s all “Blah blah I saw your website.”

You see, I have TWO websites. I have this one and I have another which is “family friendly.” As in Grandma can read it. So, I’m trying to act casual and ask “what website” even though I know my family knows about this site.

Obviously, I had some explaining to do when I got FIRED for it.

Anyway, my Mom says it is the site I sent her in an email. Then somehow she says “But there were no pictures! And it said SJ.”

At that point, I shat my pants a little. …

Trim this!

Friday, January 14th, 2005

I ate waffles for breakfast. Then I drank some coffee. And soon? I’m going to the dentist.

Ha! Just kidding. I’m not that boring yet. I could see the collective attention spans of all my beautiful readers getting shorter and shorter with that one sentence.

I am going to the dentist, which leads me into my blurb for today. Do you know how you brush your teeth before going to the dentist? Like that one night of flossing and extra long brushing is going to make up for the fact that you haven’t used mouthwash in months?

Yeah. I mean, these dentists can tell. They’re not stupid.

It’s the same thing when women go to the gyno. My sister, who is 2.5 years …

My milkshake is full of knives

Wednesday, January 12th, 2005

Earlier on this week, I went to the doctor. You see, my boobie is hurting. Has been hurting for some time now. I know, since I’m feeding from the boob, people will say “That is why your boobie is hurting.”

But that’s not the reason. My doctor told me to stop drinking caffeine as caffeine makes boobies tender. So, today, while my boobie hurt, I googled caffeine and boobs. It seems as if caffeine is more likely to make the boobie swollen, therefore making it more tender/premenstral like.

My boob isn’t swollen. I mean, well, it isn’t any more swollen than a breastfeeding boob can be. It doesn’t hurt to touch. She can’t feel any lumps.

Yet, there is the pain, in …

Which Sandwich

Wednesday, January 12th, 2005

I really suck at keeping house. I’d take a picture of my kitchen, which I think I cleaned the other day, but I’d scare you and you’d cry and wouldn’t come to visit my blog anymore because Good People Just Don’t Have Dirty Kitchens.

Or living rooms. Or bedrooms. Or laundry rooms. The bathroom? All it has on the floor (besides the massive hair I keep shedding) is a baby bib. Which we’ve been stepping around for two weeks now.

Very Mom would be proud.

I just lack inspiration. I need to pack up some of the baked goods to send off in the mail, but then, well, I was STILL hungry after lunch so I go and make myself a snack. …

The Grandpa Category

Tuesday, January 11th, 2005

After several strokes, my once active grandfather has become a feeble old man. Sometimes he’s “all there” and sometimes he forgets things, such as Ellie’s name or how he met my mother’s mother in collge.

Since my grandmother has strep throat, it was my job to bring grandpa to get his MRI today. Since he is old and feeble and still very stubborn, he has a habit of falling and breaking things, such as ribs.

After a drive down the 5-lane-wide highway, we arrive at the MRI place. I arrange for him to be brought inside in a wheelchair as I drag the Not Very Amused Baby along in her stroller.

Once inside, it is my job to get him checked in. I …

Dr. Indian Whitebread thinks I’m whack

Monday, January 10th, 2005

I think my new doctor doesn’t like me. Either that, or she thinks I’m a freaking retard, which is more likely.

I went to the doctor today and all I got was a damn blood-draw band-aid.

First off, let me say this to the woman in the parking lot who ZIPPED past me and cut me off and flew into the spot that I was OBVIOUSLY trying to get into: BITCH ASS HO MOTHERFUCKER.

You happy? I hope you heard my honks. I honked twice, thankyouverymuch. I bet you’re ugly and you were on your way to get your STD treated.

And? Thanks a lot. I’m trying to curse less as I am a churchgoing person and how am I ever going to …

They actually let me in.

Friday, January 7th, 2005

Today, I went to visit my friend Andrea at her school. Andrea is an old friend of mine and she teaches Special Ed. Yes, my friend, who teaches Special Ed, invited me up to her school.

Somehow, I ended up sitting next to the kid they call “serial killer.” All I kept thinking was “Don’t touch my baby don’t touch my baby or i will kill you.” She whined a lot.

The class was watching a Garfield movie and they laughed when the guy burped. As in laughed more than normal people would laugh when it comes to burping in a movie.

It turns out that the word fart would send them into a tizzy. I wanted to tell them all about baby …

Happy New Year, Motherfuckers.

Thursday, January 6th, 2005

I have chills, people. Chills.

I normally do not speak of the logistics of my firing as, well, it was splashed upon the internet enough for my taste. But, these past few weeks, things keep coming to my attention that makes me remember it.

And then, today, my reader David sent me a link. The paper, a “family owned” paper, got bought out. And can you guess what happened?

They fired people! 80, to be exact.

So I get all excited and do a happy dance and I write a funny post. Then my stupid site messes up and loses the post. So I go and check to see if a certain Mr. Rosen got fired.

Mr. Rosen, as you may or may not …

Yes, he wiped.

Thursday, January 6th, 2005

A couple of months ago, one of the funniest things in the world happened. It didn’t happen to me but it happened to my husband. The deal is, it is so funny, and so GROSS, that I felt it would violate some Husband/Wife code to go and share it with the internet.

Then, last night, the subject came up again. And I laughed. I laughed until I cried, people. And let me tell you this: It can be pretty hard to make me laugh.

So a couple of months ago, we lived in this terribly horrible apartment in a city we shall call “Kingwood” as that was the city name. So, our toilet had this horrible habit of overflowing at the …

Piddle here, piddle there

Monday, January 3rd, 2005

I think, deep down, we’re all a little OCD. Sure, some of us may be a little more than others, but I definately have my fair share of obsessive compulsiveness.

Such as, in high school, I had to flip the lights on 3 times before I could leave the house. Annoying as it was, I found myself oddly comforted by doing so.

As an adult, my obsession has changed. I absolutely can not go to sleep if I have to pee. I’m talking if there is one little pee dropelt in there, I will run to the potty to go. So imagine me, every night, laying in bed, wanting to sleep, but knowing there is pee in there and I have to …

Life by the Numbers

Monday, January 3rd, 2005

24: Number of muffins I baked last night.
1.5: Number of months I’ve given myself to get all my recipes ready for baking business.
55: Number of minutes I walked this afternoon.
82: Number of degrees the weather is right now. Somebody shoot me.
2: Number of sweaty boobies that need to be pumped.

2004 This

Saturday, January 1st, 2005

My resolutions for 2004? Right here.I did it all. I kept it simple.

It worked.

Perhaps I should make 2005 a better year. How about “2005: A year that doesn’t suck?”

That could be my new motto. (Editor’s note: I’m a little tipsy as I am writing this. Don’t tell.) Anyway. I need some new resolutions that don’t suck.

1. Either lose these final 10 pounds from pregnancy (Hello. I gained 28. Why the hell do I still have the ten pounds of fat?) or get knocked up to put it off.
2. Stop thinking I’m fat. That also goes along with stop checking out my lumpy ass in the full-length mirrors that cover this apartment.
3. Be productive.
4. Self hate is so out this …

That’s one cushy tushy

Thursday, December 30th, 2004

My husband got some underwear for Christmas. The dude will seriously wear the things until the waistband has fallen off and he holds them up with his hands. And then he’ll get rid of them ONLY when I demand that he do so.

Hi, honey! I’m outing you!

Anyway, it turns out, according to the package, that these underwear are for “Work, play and everyday.”

Okayyyyyyy…..But the back is even funnier.

“Moves moisture from skin. Dries quickly. Neutralizes odor.”

Christmas Recap

Monday, December 27th, 2004

Christmas is over…yours truly is getting fat…

It is over. And honestly? I’m a little sad about it. Why? Well, you’d be sad to if you married into a family that knows how to celebrate Christmas. Or at least knows how to give good gifts.

But before I get into what I got, I must give you the official name of this year’s festivities:

Christmas 2004: The Year of the Electronic Toy.

They beep. They sing. They light up. And they’re all for my child. Someone shoot me now. No, really. No…just kidding…Ellie loves the toys. They go “beep!” and “I love trash!” and “woo hoo!” and colors change and noises are made and she just kind of sits there and stares. So I …

Christmas Hell, Part Two.

Friday, December 24th, 2004

Every year, I think “This will be the year that I get my shit together and do some nice wrapping.”

I go to the store. I buy wrapping paper. This year I bought cute little tags with snowmen on them.

Then I get home, pull out the presents and wrapping paper. What commences can only be described by one word.

Shit.

My Mother In Law, on the other hand, must have a degree in wrapping presents. So, tonight, to make my puny little present feel inferior, I set two of our presents side by side and took a little picture.

Let me say this. Mine isn’t the one on the left.

My grandpappy said…

Wednesday, December 22nd, 2004

I had so many thoughts running through my head while reading this story about the Confederate flag prom dress.

First, let me say this. I do not find the Confederate flag to be “offensive” (as I am white) but I do find it of poor taste. To me, the second you wear your “Flag” on your shirt, prom dress or bumper sticker…I can only think two words: White Trash.

“Gee ma, we’re a runnin’ down to dem dere holler to pitch us up a barn! And after that, we’re gonna go hurt us some of those negras.”

Seriously. It is racist. You know that. It is White Trash. Do you know that? Seriously. Seriously.

Why in the sam hell would someone want …

Me Chinese, Me Play Joke…Me Put PeePee In Your Coke.

Tuesday, December 21st, 2004

Did you know that it is December? It is almost 2005! Know what that means? No…not New Years. No, not the “Big Ball Drop.”

It is time for me to buy another day planner!

Holy crap, I’m absolutely orgasmic thinking about it. In fact, if I had my day planner in here with me, I might grab it and rub it all over my naughty bits because I love me some day planners that much.

When I worked at the newspaper, I’d get free shit all the time. Like my current dayplanner. Now, it is in Chinese or some other “Asian” font and I had to go and rewrite all the dates correctly in it. It has made mistakes and wrote out the …

That time…you know….

Tuesday, December 21st, 2004

A crazy thing happens when you move back to the town you grew up in. You see people you grew up with! Now before you say “Why, gee, SJ, you are sooooooo smart,” get this. I’m not the type of person who makes “small talk.”

I don’t really like talking to people that I was only on a semi-friendly basis with in high school. I find it uncomfortable and weird and I’m just not into it.

So….can I please stop seeing people that I knew from high school?

A week or so ago, The Hubs, Ellie and I were at Central Market! and I recognized this girl from high school. She was on the drill team and I always thought was kind of …

Your sibling is in Daddy’s Nuts.

Monday, December 20th, 2004

Today, I let my child play with a home pregnancy test. I told her that was the Sibling That Never Was. She threw it in the sink. I don’t think she got it.

And then The Hubs peed on the stick, just to make sure he wasn’t pregnant. Good thing he wasn’t, even though I’m wondering when he’ll get his period.

The funny thing is when you have pregnancy “symptoms” and then find out that you are not, in fact, knocked up, that you are left with the sad truth.

The bad moods, headaches, nausea and bad skin are all yours because you must be some mutant. Hello! You’re 25! What’s up with the pizza face?

And the sore boob? In the same spot? …

Family Matters

Sunday, December 19th, 2004

My Grandpa’s 80th birthday is on December 30th. Happy birthday, Grandpa. You old coot.

ANYWAY, this isn’t about my grandpa…crazy as he may be. No, this is about my FAMILY, the people who have to talk to me because, uh, they’re related.

So my sister tells me today that my Aunt M is getting married For The Thrid Time at my Grandpa’s 80th birthday party. I’m all “By that point, don’t you just go to the justice of the peace? Do you really have a wedding?”

On the way home from my sister’s house tonight, I place a call to my Mom The Nurse who tells me that yes, M is getting married on the 30th. Or so she hears.

Anyway my Mom …

20/20 hindsight, my ass.

Friday, December 10th, 2004

My husband is sick. And so am I. It seems as if perhaps we should stop making out with our sick baby because she keeps giving us her germs.

I’ve never been so sick until I had a freaking baby. Goodbye, life. Hello Germs!

Anyway, it turns out that my husband’s intelligence drops by about 100% when he is sick. He was totally confused by news broadcasts tonight.

It took several different explanations of how there is National News, Local News and Cable News. There are also News Shows such as 20/20.

And he just didn’t get it. He kept saying “National news? There’s a national news?” while we were watching 20/20. He couldn’t even name me the Big Three News Channels: …

Divadom.

Friday, December 10th, 2004

I think some of you know that once upon a time, before I got fired for blogging, I interviewed Clay Aiken. You didn’t know that? Well, as a features reporter at a Daily Newspaper In Durham, NC, I was told to cover his appearance at the local ball park, where he’d sing the National Anthem.

Goody. I hate American Idol. But? Being the nice and good employee that I was (even though others may say otherwise) I went and covered the story. Interviewed people. Saw and met his family and friends. Interviewed Clay himself.

Now, I tried to be nice given the fact that he was overwhelmed with all the attention. I mean, there were a lot of girls there. A lot. …

Lessons Learned.

Friday, December 10th, 2004

Yesterday, during Dr. Phil, my Mom called me as she always does and wanted to chat. Usually the chatting is about nothing and for the most of the conversation, it was.

But then, somehow, I start talking about Gay Rights and Gay Marriage. The silence on the other end of the phone was deafening. I could just see my Mom in her living room, Christmas cookies on the counter, presents on the floor, the daschounds nipping at her feet, trying not to shoot herself because her Crazy Daughter wants to discuss Gay Marriage.

And then? Then she tells me about a Christmas party where all the lesbians were there and how they were everywhere! And I could tell by the way she …

It’s Christmas Time!

Thursday, December 9th, 2004

A month and a half of going to the front office to complain about my apartment not being painted. Two weeks of begging the husband for my Christmas tree to be put up. Two separate visits from the painters. Two different paint colors.

Having your dining room FINALLY Christmas-ready? Priceless.

What the Dickens?

Thursday, December 9th, 2004

You know how sometimes you are reading my posts and they go all over the place? Well, kids, grab your plane tickets because this post is going to go EVERYWHERE, and, most likely, nowhere at the same exact time.

So today, deciding to get out of the house, Ellie and I go to a place here in suburbia called “market street.” Basically it is a bunch of stores and restaurants flanking a large specialty grocery store. And I’m all up on it.

You see, when we lived in Durham, NC, we had our pick of restaurants and shops and places like that. You want specialty chocolate from Belgium? I know where to go. Chipolte Mango Sauce in a bottle? I totally know …

The New Etiquette

Wednesday, December 8th, 2004

There are etiquette books to tell you about most everything. Thank you cards? Important. Gum chewing? So-so.

But what about the etiquette books about the important things?

Today some uh, Hispanic people came to paint our dining room wall. Now being in Texas, I can be totally un PC and say “Mexican.” So, from now on, they are Mexican. Not Chilean or Guatamalan or anything else. Not even Spanish. Nope. MEXICAN.

Anyway the Mexicans come and knock on the door and are holding paint. And I’ve seen these guys before and I know they speak Spanish to each other. So I just say “Paint?” and they come in. And eventually, while my child is busy ingesting Clorox and I’m busy making coffee, …

Rational fears

Wednesday, December 8th, 2004

I remember, once upon a time, I saw the television show “Rescue 911″ where they reinacted 911 calls for your viewing pleasure, and I saw an episode about a woman who was taking a shower and an intruder broke in and did bad things to her in the shower.

So, every day, once Ellie has gone down for her nap, I double lock my doors and then take my shower. You see, I don’t want anyone breaking in and doing bad things to me.

So today, Ellie wasn’t feeling well. It took her FOREVER to go to sleep. So, finally, I check the door and I go and get into the shower. I have just finished trimming my eyebrows in my husband’s …

Hello, Austin!

Monday, December 6th, 2004

I shaved my legs this morning. Why? Because I have to wear a skirt. Why? Because my jeans are all smokey. Why?

The Sarcastic Journalist goes to a bar. Hilarity ensues.

We did, indeed, go to Austin this weekend and all I can say is this: Austin– I love you. We love you. You are fun and have funky stores and local restaurants and hills and LOTS of people who like to run. I like to run, Austin! Running is fun!

Did I mention that The Hubs said he’d like to move to Austin one day?

ANYWAY- I was woke from my half-assed nap on Saturday night because we were going out. To where, I did not know, and I’m very glad I …

A little piece of suburbia…

Friday, December 3rd, 2004

First of all, before I start today’s story, I must apologize for my blog comments and how they are acting screwy. You only have to comment once as it WILL go through even though you think it won’t.

Now onto the fun, shall we?

Today, I decided to finish up my Christmas shopping and nick the present buying in the bud and I head out to my local Target and shopping mall.

And, as I’m parading my child around the store, Starbucks Peppermint Mocha (nonfat, no whip) in hand (I had 500+ spam comments last night. I deserved it) I looked around me. I was surrounded by people with babies! Babies younger than MY baby, and my baby is young!

And many of these …

The Bearded Lady is called Randy

Thursday, December 2nd, 2004

I remember, back in the day, I used to have one hell of a libido. I was the girl who swung from the ceiling and was like “Hey baby.” Well, I was like “Hey baby” when it came to my husband.

And then I got on the pill. And then I got on Crazy Pills. And I got off the pill and I got pregnant. And you know how most people want to do the horizontal polka all the time while pregnant?

WELL, NOT ME!

So I was pregnant and that totally sucked and then I had a baby and milk squirted out of my boobies. Wait. The milk is still squirting.

Anyway, I have had to go BACK on the pill because …

Sit and wear a diaper

Thursday, December 2nd, 2004

So I go out to lunch with a friend today and my friend is self-described as “very angry.” Let’s just say she has EVERY right to be angry as she found her boyfriend cheating on her and when i say “cheating on her” I really mean porking some other chick.

ANYWAY- so we’re sitting there, over Mexican food, trying to decide the different levels of a breakup– such as denial, anger and then Being Really Pissed Off and Hitting The Ex-Boyfriend In A Bar And Getting Kicked Out Of The Bar.

Wow, I’m really glad I’m married. Phew.

So I find myself blurting out “You should see my therapist!” And she’s all “You have a therapist?” so I tell her about how crazy …

So amish, it’s funny.

Thursday, December 2nd, 2004

Yesterday, while standing in a line at the Hell Known As Super Wal-Mart, I came to a realization. Before I go on with my realization, I must tell you how I ended up in the damn LONGEST line even though there was only ONE family in front of me. Why? Because I was at Wal-Mart and that is how it works.

ANYWAY. The people standing in front of me were Pentecostal, which means that the women all have long, ugly hair and wear long skirts. And, if I remember correctly, they don’t wear makeup and don’t watch television.

Is it me, or are they like an uncool version of the Amish?

I have to tell you that I have a fascination with the …

An Entire Post About Boobies…

Tuesday, November 30th, 2004

I am watching “The View” on television as I wait for my early lunch of noodles to get ready and The Boob Nazi was on television, explaining breastfeeding.

If there is nothing that can make women feel guilty, it is the topic of breastfeeding.

I remember, back in April that I went to a breastfeeding class sponsored by Duke University Hospital. And I was scared shitless. (Note: I’m very bad at linking in my own blog. Hopefully you can read it.)

I Did Not Want To Do It. But I did. And it wasn’t as horrible as I expected it. I got used to it.

BUT BUT BUT BUT sometimes, breastfeeding doesn’t work for women. For whatever reasons– maybe it is …

The Groundhog Zombie

Tuesday, November 30th, 2004

My husband and I have a friend, we’ll call him “C,” and he is a pilot for a major airline. The funny thing about C is that we met him in North Carolina when he sublet our apartment from us when we bought our house. Anyway, C got a job with the major airline and moved to Houston a couple of months before we did. Then we moved to Houston. And we all ended up living in a suburb called Kingwood, in the same apartment complex.

Then we moved and then C moved to another suburb, which we will still call TW. He lives a few minutes away from us now.

Anyway, C and The Hubs were meant to be friends. We …

Not what I expected….

Monday, November 29th, 2004

I have this thing. This thing about Christmas cards. I always have had a desire to take a cute picture and turn it into our card. The first year, it worked. I used a picture from our wedding. It was the moment we were pronounced husband and wife and were about to walk down the isle.

Of course, people bitched at us because neither one of us were looking at the camera! Oh! The horror of not looking at a camera for THE Christmas card picture.

Last year? I was pregnant. The picture didn’t happen. I just couldn’t get around to it.

But this year, oh, this year I was determined to take a damn picture. So we were out in the woods …

A Thanksgiving Story

Tuesday, November 23rd, 2004

Since Thursday is Turkey Day here in the States, I think it is only approperiate to tell a little Thanksgiving story for you.

I have to warn you, before this story goes any farther, that there is really only one part to this story that is important, but, well, I have to drag it out for you to read.

Consider yourself warned.

Once upon a time, when I still partaketh of Thanksgiving activities with my Mother and her family, I had to spend a lot of time with people that I Really Didn’t Like.

I have this cousin, whom we shall call Jeffrey because that is his name, even though he tries to call himself “Jeff,” although I don’t buy it because he …

Peppermint cheeks

Tuesday, November 23rd, 2004

Praise the Lord! Peppermint mochas are back at Starbucks! And they have red sprinkles!

PS– went out with my missionary friend, and she did not mention my husband and his F-word. Also saw some other people I went to high school with (who also have kids!) and ran into a guy who is a “missionary/actor” in Hollywood. He was on the TV show “Street Smarts” and thought my kiddie had cute chubby cheeks. He said he wanted a kid with chubby cheeks and I told him to marry a chubby woman.

The twat and me

Monday, November 22nd, 2004

WWW.MyHusbandIsAnIdiot.com

I wonder if that is a real domain name, because, if not, I totally need to register it. Besides running off at the grocery store with a cart that had my child in it when we were “going to the jelly isle,” he just did something to cement his stupidity in my book.

So I’m on the phone, leaving a message for a friend. Not just any friend, but a friend who is a MISSIONARY. A freaking missionary. Her voice mail says “God Bless.” I’m trying to hook up with her to go get coffee and chat.

And what does Mr. Idiot do while playing on my bouncy abdominal ball that we just aired up?

Yells “Shit! Fuck!”

I’m speechless. What do I …

Something awful this way comes

Sunday, November 21st, 2004

When you have a child, people will ask you questions about how different life is. Sure, you don’t sleep as much and you learn to have little to no personal time and words like “latch” and “poop” become part of your daily vocabulary.

But they don’t tell you about the other stuff. Things like how you can learn to poop in a matter of 2.5 seconds, 2.0 seconds if you’re really in a hurry. They don’t mention that when you go to a store, you will scan the parking lot, looking for a perfect spot that is 1. not surrounded by other cars and 2. near a shopping cart for easy access.

I’ll get a shopping cart for a gallon of milk …

A Lush Birthday

Sunday, November 21st, 2004

I had a GREAT birthday, in case you were wondering. WHY? Because The Hubs is such an absolutely wonderful husband, he is so thoughtful and made the day just GREAT.

And of course, it revolved around food. I like to eat.

Donuts for breakfast, Chipolte burritos for lunch and dinner at a Mexican restaurant called Chuy’s. It is the same restaurant that the Bush Twins got busted at for underage drinking but they just opened up one here in Suburbia.

Hurray for suburbia!

So, since it was my birthday of gluttony, I ordered “a drink.” And by drink I mean a margarita. And it had swirls in it! Swirls!

And I drank my drink and somewhere around the end of that drink, I started to …

Life is good.

Friday, November 19th, 2004

A year ago today, I remember being so upset at work. I had recently gotten in trouble while there and I remember saying how much I wanted to quit, how much I hated it.

Here’s a quote: (sorry about the question marks instead of the apostrophies)

I�ve been formally reprimanded, which is the last stage before firing.
I told him the truth. I�m pregnant, am learning to deal with all that goes with this, am tired of the job, feel that I�m being picked on because I�m different, yadda yadda yadda. I told him I�m already looking elsewhere for employment. He understands. Being different here isn�t accepted. Being 23 (24 tomorrow), writing features and being pregnant isn�t very good, either.
Maybe this …

Irish Humping Bunnies

Friday, November 19th, 2004

So, I have another website, one that is my “personal” website where my family is allowed to come and look at a “Grandma-okay” version of what I normally say. Basically, I chronicled my pregnancy from week to week (from week 4 to 40! With pictures!) on there and now there are pictures of Ellie and her updates for grandparents and aunts and whoever else in my family reads it.

Do you know how hard it is to come up with something grandma acceptable? For me? Very, very hard.

Anyway, the domain is almost up and I think it is time to switch the name to something else. Only problem? ALL THE DAMN DOMAINS ARE TAKEN.

All the good ones, anyway.

Okie dokie. I’ve …

I DO NOT LIKE ROD STEWART, PEOPLE.

Thursday, November 18th, 2004

From what I understand, my “Wishlist for my husband to come up with good presents” may not be working correctly. I do not like Clay Aiken. I repeat: I DO NOT LIKE CLAY AIKEN.

I interviewed him once, by the way. And I took a leak at his grandparents house. And I watched TV with them. Why? Because I’m cool. Oh, and I gave them my copy of People magazine with him on the cover.

BUT I DO NOT LIKE CLAY AIKEN.

Okay. Is Is this it? Can you read that? Perhaps the hubs will get me a present?

WYS is NOT WYG

Wednesday, November 17th, 2004

Here is a tip for people who may ever be around babies: BE CAREFUL.

So I bet you are looking at these two photos and you think that the first one is all nasty. As in “Eww, that baby has something on its face and it is yuck.” And you may be looking at the second picture and think “Look at that little baby, with nothing on its face.”

But you are WRONG. The first baby may have boob cereal on the face, but the second one has GERMS. Germs are bad.

The problem with little babies is that they are sneaky. That second baby convinced me to kiss her on the lips multiple times, even though I knew she had a …

Acceptable spellings

Wednesday, November 17th, 2004

Is it me, or does it seem kind of funny that the lady that Bush nominated for the Education position is named Spellings?

Also acceptable: Maths, Recesses and Sciences.

Not acceptable but funny: LunchLadies, PhysEds, BigFatObnoxiousBullies.

Genitally speaking…

Tuesday, November 16th, 2004

I meant to say, the other day, my Mother-in-law called and I was talking to her for a bit. We’re all “la la baby la la Christmas la la Thanksgiving la la.”

And then she tells me that something triggered a herpes outbreak. Then the shit hits the fan. “The oral kind, not the genital kind.”

I feel like crying now. That’s up there with my Mom telling me and my husband that she wants to stay at my Grandparents house when she visits so they can have sex in their guest room.

Can’t you people just leave your genitals out of the conversation?

I don’t want to be myself, anyway.

Tuesday, November 16th, 2004

There is this commercial about Playtex bras (by the way, I don’t think a bra brand and a tampon brand should be the same name, but whatever.) and there’s this cute skinny chick and she’s happy because Playtex now offers bras in half sizes.

And she wants to thank them for letting her be herself.

I don’t care what you think, but this is a country that is suited for the little boobied person. If you’re not little boobied, then you must be “Plus sized” and that is that.

Bras? For little boobies. Try finding one in a big boobie size that is NORMAL. Bathing suit tops? Either you are a B cup (that is the actual size of the boobie, men) or …

Living La Vida Cocoa

Monday, November 15th, 2004

When did I become Suzy Homemaker again? When?

I’m all up on his homemaking shiznit. One time, while driving to the grocery store for the one hundreth time that day, I had the thought “I should have been one of those Home Economics majors in college.”

WHAT? HUH?

This past weekend, I made curtains. And a bedskirt. As in I went to the fabric store and bought fabric. I nearly crapped my pants upon finding the Perfect Fabric that was Half Price Off and SO PURDY. So what do I do? I grab the fabric and run up to the front of the store to stand in the line that neverends so I can get my fabric cut. Only problem? The …

Ellie! Bad Ellie!

Monday, November 15th, 2004

Dear Ellie,

Okay, I can try and deal with the fact that you woke up FOUR times last night and screamed like it was going out of style. (By the way, if something is going out of style, I don’t want to be using it.) I’ll deal, even though you knew we were going to wake up early to drive Daddy to work to see if we could do this whole one-car household thingie.

But one side of my nose is stuffed up and it is DRIVING ME NUTS. If you give me your cold….let’s not go there, shall we?

Love,
Your Mama

Oh no!

Friday, November 12th, 2004

How to scare my husband:

Have the thought “I could totally have another kid once this one is potty trained.”

I have a feeling he’ll keep her in diapers till she’s twelve now.

Pencil thin mustache

Friday, November 12th, 2004

Everyone has a subject, a topic, hell, perhaps even a word that brings up uncomfortable memories and makes you want to tuck your tail between your legs and run screaming for your happy place.

For me, the word is simple, a word used often to describe the physical features of a person. Mustache.

I shudder even typing the word. I must go find my happy place now.

When I was in the sixth grade, the hair on my upper lip must have started to turn darker because I came up with the idea to shave it.

I pulled out my pink plastic razor and did a little trim on the hairs around the edges of my mouth. There. Better! No more hair!

That is, …

Stupid is as stupid does

Thursday, November 11th, 2004

Said by yours truly:

(In IKEA) “Instead of a wicker basket, let’s get a whiskered biscuit.”

(On the couch last night.)
ME: That book looks good.
HIM: What’s it about?
ME: I don’t know.

Family Matters

Wednesday, November 10th, 2004

Do you know what I hate? You do? Because I’m always talking about things I hate?

I hate baby showers. Hate them so much that I didn’t have one of my own. I also hate wedding showers. I hate any kind of shower that doesn’t involve WATER.

My sister just called me on the phone, while I was driving back from the doctor where they told me Ellie had a cold! A cold! And you can’t do anything about it, nanny nanny booboo!

My cousin, The Retarded Nice Family Member is having a baby shower because she And The Guy Who Beats Her are having a baby. And my sister wants me to go in on the present with her.

If the guy …

Chopstick Calendar

Wednesday, November 10th, 2004

It seems to me, that every time I’m not able to blog, I think of something that I want to blog about. So, I may be sitting on the potty, or lying in bed, and I start to construct a blog entry in my mind. Then I think to myself “Self! You are FUNNY! Everyone would LOVE to hear that story about your toe and what it did that was so damn funny.”

Then I go take a shower and eat a sandwich and I forget what I’m going to write about. DAMNIT!

Okay. I remembered one of my stories. Yesterday, it occured to me that it was time for Ellie’s four month checkup, which includes shots. I had two times written …

Passing the bar…

Tuesday, November 9th, 2004

The problem with hanging out with people who you knew in college is that most of the meetings will involve alcohol. Well, the alcohol isn’t the problem, as I figured out this past weekend, when we met up at two friends’ house (they are married) and watched the A&M VS OU football game on their really big TV.

At first, they only had beer, which I don’t drink, so it seemed like it would be another boring football game for SJ. But then! Then! Oh, they brought out the frufru drinks. The margaritas!

I am a SUCKER for margaritas. At first, I was like “Woah this is a crazy margarita” but the more I drank, the better it became. Surprise, surprise.

I could …

Lame-o Blame-o

Tuesday, November 9th, 2004

Hi! I have another problem but this one is a different type of problem! I can’t think!

Why? Well, I have a story to tell you about moving into our apartment but it involves taking a picture and I haven’t had the time to take the picture yet….so I can’t tell that story. And I can’t show you our apartment yet (which totally ROCKS) because well, it is still a mess and certain walls aren’t painted yet and that’s the whole fun of our apartment is that it will be so badass once it is done.

And the news? Bleh. The news sucks. So there’s not much to talk about there. And the baby? She has a cold and her 4 month …

Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

Sunday, November 7th, 2004

I have tried as long as I could not to comment on some of the search engine requests that get people here.

Cheesecake breastmilk? What? Are you making cheesecake WITH breastmilk? Yes, it is sweet, but I don’t think it would make a good cheesecake. I hear you should try making them WITH CHEESE. Read: Boob Milk bad. Cheese good.

Of course, we also have fufu vagina. My vagina USED to be a little fufu, but after I had a baby and stopped taking care of it properly, it is more like a fat, hairy, chainsmoking busdriver than some fufu bitch.

I get a lot of Sarcasam/sarcastic queries. Let me explain this to you: If you are having to google How To Be …

Suzy Homebaker

Friday, November 5th, 2004

When did I become Suzy Homemaker? One year ago, I was a badass. I was a journalist, interviewed all sorts of people and came up with all sorts of stories.

I was about to interview Jimmy Carter, for crying out loud!

Now?!?!?! I’m watching “A Makeover Story” on TLC while my child ingests all sorts of bumble-bee shaped toys on the floor. I have a bag full of sprays to put up her nose as she has a cold and a couple of recipes that I’m about to make.

Who is this person? I do laundry and buy matching sheet/comforter sets and plan on picking out paint colors for my bedroom. I’m buying a fouton and nearly crapped my pants when my Mom …

Religion and politics, all in one post!

Friday, November 5th, 2004

Hi! I’m back! And I have a cable modem! Cable! Hi!

Okie dokie, since I’m late to the internet party, I have two more cents to add to this political/moral issues that are being discussed and then I’m through with it. Okie dokie?

I see so much negativity about “religious people” and how horrible they are and how they are bad for this country and are trying to throw their religion on everyone else. That may be the case for some but not for me.

I am what most of these people are against. I’m a Christian, a “born again” Christian who has even been “baptized” and “gone on a mission trip.” I “didn’t have sex until marriage” and “got married by …

Apathy rules!

Wednesday, November 3rd, 2004

I’m laughing my ass off right now. I just can’t believe it.

Oh, you know what I’m talking about. You KNOW. I didn’t find out the election results until a few minutes ago (it is 5pm) and I was shocked. Felt a little odd, almost down as I didn’t want either of them to win and I think both had good and bad points, but I just couldn’t believe it.

Did my sadness mean I secretly wanted Kerry to win? I think I should be President because I could get this shit right. Everyone should have voted for me because I think gay people should get married and I’d really like to go to a gay wedding.

I had predicted Kerry would win, …

Rain on this parade, biznitch.

Tuesday, November 2nd, 2004

**Wipes boob milk off her arm and sighs.**

We’re back from Albuquerque. In case you were confused, WE ARE NOT MOVING TO ALBUQUERQUE. My reign of terror in Texas has not come to an end. Anyway….

Our flight got delayed tonight. Hurray for Continental Airlines and Bad Weather! Thank you for letting me entertain my small child in an airport! We had so much fun, especially the part where she drooled all over my left boobie and my hoodie looked like I had been lactating.

My favorite part happened once we reached Houston. It took AN HOUR to get to my truck. In the rain. What was so fun about this? Well, for some reason, the people at the ticket counter didn’t …

SJ talks to a politics pusher, hilarity ensues….

Sunday, October 31st, 2004

Growing up in Texas, I never experienced a political ad for the President. One time, we were watching a commercial and it said “I am Jared and I approve this commercial.” I was confused as to why everyone on these ads were saying that. WHY?

BECAUSE NOBODY EVER CAMPAIGNS IN TEXAS!

So imagine my delightment when we get to Albuquerque, New Mexico and there are ads everywhere! John Kerry! George Bush! Vote for me! Him! My Mom told me that they get tons of calls from Kerry/Bush supporters, trying to persuade them to the “other side.” Yesterday, when we were driving to a Mexican restaurant, where I’d get sloshed off one blue margarita, we saw Kerry supporters going door to door.

I …

Vote or use a pink toothbrush!

Thursday, October 28th, 2004

My poor husband must think that it is my job to torture him.

Besides buying him a pink toothbrush because “it is funny,” I tend to do many things that would annoy the average person. Sometimes, especially before I started on the meds, I’d call him up at work.

But instead of saying “Hi, honey, I’m wearing nothing but a smile,” I put the phone up to the baby and let her cry for him.

Last night I did another typical SJ thing. I was laying on the couch, watching South Park, when I realized how funny the show was. It was about voting and the kids had to choose a mascot and the choices were A Giant Douchebag and A …

It’s oh so quiet.

Wednesday, October 27th, 2004

If you would have told me a year ago today how things would be now, I would have laughed. One year ago Saturday, I found out I was pregnant with Elliebear. I was so upset. I couldn’t imagine how I could have a life with a baby.

But not now. Now I’m so happy.

And so is she. Why is she happy? Because we’re moving on Tuesday to our new apartment! No more poopy floors and overflowing toilets! As usual, we’re moving with ONE WEEK’S NOTICE.

And just to make it a little more fun, we’ll be in Albuquerque, NM starting tomorrow night. Do I have any NM readers?

So sorry this is choppy and boring but I figured I’d explain my silence. The …

Giddy-up!

Tuesday, October 26th, 2004

So The View (TV show) is in Dallas this week. As in Dallas, Texas. Let me tell you, I’m getting a little annoyed at how they keep portraying Texas. Cowboys, cowboy boots and cows. Oh, and excess! Excessivly furry outfits and who knows what else.

I’m not sure what Texas they are visiting but it is not my version. Here, in Houston, there are cows, BUT THEY ARE OUT IN THE COUNTRY. If you go out of town to visit another city, yes, you’ll see some cows. But you’ll also see malls and shopping centers and houses as well.

I NEVER see people wearing cowboy boots. I am 24 years old, almost 25, have lived in Texas for 22 of those years …

Small, small world!

Monday, October 25th, 2004

So I had a nice new reader send me an email last week, saying many nice things to Yours Truly. So I email back as I try to do when my baby isn’t crapping her pants at the exact moment I read the email, and I find out she lives where my Dad lives.

And she tells me an identifying feature about her MIL– specifically what position in the local government she currently occupies– and I ask my Dad if he knows the lady.

And he did.

Weird. It’s like a Small World. (Que dancing puppets.) My Dad knew a family member of one of my blog readers. I feel connected.

Fleeting fame

Monday, October 25th, 2004

Here’s a little tidbit you don’t know about me: You remember The Menendez Brothers? You know, the ones who killed their parents and it was a big media sensation?

Well, the Dad (who died) had a brother. And I stayed at his house in California. You see, my friend was a member of their family and we all went to San Diego and stayed at this house. These people had money. They lived next door to a professional football player.

And their last name was Menendez and we’d go out and I’d see the Aunt sign her name and it was Menendez and I wanted nothing more than to yell “Don’t you realize who this woman is? She’s a …

One more note

Sunday, October 24th, 2004

Note to My Husband:

If your wife is using a manual breast pump in a crowded parking lot and you want to HELP, I have a few tips for you. Please do not jerk the thing in your utter excitement because “milk is coming out!” The nipple is normally attached to my body and I’d like to keep it that way.

By the way, you haven’t lived until you’ve been “pumped” while surrounded by people eating chips in minivans.

We paid $50, we will have a good time!

Sunday, October 24th, 2004

So we went out to intermingle with the General Public, also known as the people who go to Six Flags, this weekend. And when I say “general public” please know that I mean a cross between thugs, hicks, people who definately need to put some more clothes on and families.

All in one place!

There’s just so much that happens when one goes out into the world and gets to interact with people they normally don’t see so I’ll try and remember everything worth remembering.

When did “thugs” start wearing pink? I saw a many members of the homey tribe wearing pink shirts and hats, as if they were part of some Gay Gang or something. Perhaps these are the “homo thugs” I …

Huh? Come again?

Monday, October 18th, 2004

I remember, when I was a wee one, my Mom or my Grandma would send a letter to my teacher on one of the first days of school.

“Please know that SJ is deaf in one ear and needs to be kept away from the class so everybody will point and stare and ask what is wrong with her.”

I don’t think the letter specifically said that, but it did say I am deaf in one ear. Yes, you read that right. I can only hear out of one ear. My left one. Sometimes, I can’t remember which ear I’m deaf in so I have to rub my hand over my hear (**rubs hand on ear**) so I can hear the …

Follow me….to the land of poop

Monday, October 18th, 2004

I think everyone should follow my example and end all conversations with “I gotta go because I have to go fart or something. I’m feeling gassy.”

I see, said Sam I Am

Thursday, October 14th, 2004

What would happen if The Cat In The Hat and Barbie mated.

Just because I can…

Thursday, October 14th, 2004

Today’s fun phone conversation:

ME: Oh shit, you scared me. I was on the toilet and had the phone next to me.
HER: Too bad you weren’t holding it between your legs.
ME: Nah, it wasn’t on vibrate. It was on Justin Timberlake.
HER: Oh, that sucks.

My doofy baby.

Wednesday, October 13th, 2004

When I’m constipated, I tend to grab my belly and go “woaahhhh! I need to poo!” When my child may be constipated, she pulls her legs in the air, turns red and grunts.

So we look up baby constipation on the internet. It makes me wonder what type of people are allowed to be parents.

We do NOT recommend:
putting other things in the baby’s rectum, like soap or pencils

Nothing makes your baby want to crap like a pencil in ye old anus.

This reminds me of back in the early year of our marriage and the hubs and I were both having poo problems. So we bought me some “pink pills” which are laxatives. I took pink pills at night …

Going, going…

Monday, October 11th, 2004

Please change your links to .

Thank you.

Sad, but true.

Monday, October 11th, 2004

You know, you learn many breaking news items when you stay up all night.

Now for the real question. Should I wake up the hubs and tell him? I mean, you know, this seems like something someone should be woken up for. Especially at 1:30am.

Insomnia is a bitch.

Monday, October 11th, 2004

Since it is half past midnight and even though I’m trying, I don’t see sleep in my near future, I’ll share with you an observation I’ve recently made.

It seems as if some of you readers may be embarrassed about reading my site.

I’ve seen many, many search engine queries such as “Sarcastic Journalist” or even my domain name. I KNOW what you’re doing as I do that when I go to someone’s house and I want to check my site without them reading it. And since I don’t want to go into the History on their Internet Explorer and find sites about doing bad things with donkeys and pigmies, well, I just google my domain name.

Now, why in the Hell would …

Riding the crazy train.

Sunday, October 10th, 2004

I honestly believe that you can’t learn all there is to know about the opposite sex until you have married a member of it.

Yesterday, my husband announced that the break pads on his car needed to be replaced. Then he explained that he planned on doing it himself.

WHAT?

Personally, it doesn’t seem of the brightest idea for him to go and replace the things that enable the car to stop. As much as I love saving the nonexistent money that we have, I enjoy having a husband even more.

So this morning he awoke bright and early and headed out to the parking lot to mess with his car and my truck. Eventually he came back in and told …

Random Nothingness

Thursday, October 7th, 2004

Todays’ post will come in random order:

1. Ellie doesn’t have meningitis spots. She has leg cooties, so says the doctor.
2. I hate seafood but I eat tuna fish.
3. My chunk child weighs 14 pounds, 5 ounces. She will pound you.
4. Our car got broken into last night.
5. I’m going to a shrink today. I’m crazy.
6. Where do they get all these little kids who dance hoochy like on TV?
7. I don’t like nuts but I’ll eat the ones on airplanes.
8.I like bananas but not in food.
9. My boobies hurt.

Shit shit shit

Tuesday, October 5th, 2004

So Dale Earnhardt Jr is in trouble for saying “shit” on live television.

SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. Hey Nascar, how you like them apples?

Let me just say this:

I hate NASCAR. The only reason I know about it is because my stepfather is WAAAYYY too into it. So I know by association.

But the dude was excited. Said “shit.” It’s not like he was mad and said “stupid mother fucking bitches!” Now then, hmmm, I might worry.

But he said shit and has been fined and lost points in the standing for doing so. NASCAR said something about cleaning up the image and not offending NASCAR viewers.

I know, I know. SHIT is a four-letter word. So is FUCK …

Bad luck

Tuesday, October 5th, 2004

Some people just have bad luck. I tend to be one of those people. THIS PERSON seems to have that kind of luck as well.

I’ve always been kind of a private person (in real life) about personal matters. Embarrassed about uh, “doing it” and stuff. So, the first time The Hubs and I go to Wal-Mart to buy condoms for our Honeymoon together (we didn’t “do it” until marriage.) something bad happened.

I was embarrassed enough. I mean, there I was, buying condoms. People knew we were going to do it.

I had this sense of dread as we put the items on the conveyer belt and pay our money. After trying to act all cool like “These aren’t condoms! …

Public Service Announcement

Tuesday, October 5th, 2004

Single women. Stop what you are doing and READ THIS.

Move along, people. Move along.

Sunday, October 3rd, 2004

Since I’m trying to move everything around, you need to go to Shenuts.Com to read my posts. Please go. Now. There’s nothing to see here.

**I’m hoping to have everything over there cleaned and fixed soon!

She’s got the funk.

Thursday, September 30th, 2004

I remember once, a nice lady that I worked with at the newspaper said something about boob feeding and how it helped with post-partum depression.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I doubt it is “post-partum” or full blown “depression” but I’m just in one hell of a funk.

And I don’t feel like I have any reason to be complaining.

The feeling usually sneaks up on me quickly, such as a brain freeze after drinking a milkshake too fast. You’re fine one minute and the next, well, bam! Brain freeze! Your head is pounding!

Except it is not brain freeze. Have you ever felt a sense of dread? Perhaps you knew that someone you loved (your significant other) would be going away …

SHENUTS.COM

Thursday, September 30th, 2004

Well, this is appropirate. This is my 1,000 entry. REMEMBER: AS OF TOMORROW, THIS SITE WILL NOT BE HERE.

My MT request for installation on SHENUTS.COM has not been honored. My questions have not been returned.

So I have a site with no freaking content. I’m not a techno geek. I don’t understand how to install MT. So there is NUTTIN at SHENUTS.COM

So, if SHENUTS.COM is not up and at em tomorrow, go to BEARDOG.BLOGSPOT.COM until I can get things working again.

REMEMBER: SHENUTS.COM OR BEARDOG.BLOGSPOT.COM

SHENUTS SHENUTS SHENUTS SHENUTS

*UPDATE: Shenuts.com is up and running. Looks ugly as hell, but, well I suck at coding.

Little more to the middle

Thursday, September 30th, 2004

What started all this talk is Right Here.

Oh, she’s got milk.

Tuesday, September 28th, 2004

I really need something to do on Halloween. This is too cute. Too bad we’ll probably be in Albuquerque.

I may complain about them, but I’m glad I have them.

Saturday, September 25th, 2004

The annual Blogger Boobie Thon is upon us. Basically you submit your pic or just donate some money for Breast Cancer Research.

I submitted my pic above. That’s from my 37th week of pregnancy with Miss E. Hope yall consider participating.

I saw famous people once

Thursday, September 23rd, 2004

I’m watching an episode of MTV’s Diary featuring Katie Holmes (of Dawson’s Creek fame) and I am reminded of a time I saw her in person.

It was in NC and Dawson’s Creek was FINALLY ending. Well, I was sent down to Wilmington by The Evil Paper That Could to cover this little dealy woo they were having to say “goodbye” to the show that put Wilmington on the map for Teeny Boppers.

So we go down there and I’m excited because I used to be a REALLY big fan of the show, before it Jumped The Shark and started sucking.

And we sat. And we waited. And it was hot. And sunny. And we waited some more. And sat. And sat there. …

That’s me!!!

Thursday, September 23rd, 2004

I’m spinning a web

Wednesday, September 22nd, 2004

Do YOU remember? Do you? Remember life before the internet???

I remember, when I was little, I would have a question such as “How many people live in Israel?” A question nobody I know would be able to answer. And I remembered thinking I wish there was an easy way to find the answer. Easier than going to the library.

And then came the internet. I started regularly using it in the fall of 1998, when I was a student at Colorado Christian University. (Heh, what if they come to this site because I linked to them and see my title which speaks of vagina rodeos?)

And I discovered the internet.

I loved the internet. I wanted to make internet babies! I …

Dog gone poop

Friday, September 17th, 2004

Since I’m In A Hurry and REALLYREALLYREALLYREALLY freaking tired (grandma/grandpa cancelled on me, hubs has taken me up in pity) and in a rush, let me tell a story real quick.

We used to have a dog.

Used to.

My Mom, the Nurse who is really smart but you wouldn’t think it if you met her, (gosh I hope she doesn’t come here) had two dogs. Weiner dogs. Daschounds. Boy and girl. And they weren’t fixed. Bob Barker would have been soo pissed.

And can you guess what happened, boys and girls, when the two doggies got together??? THEY HAD BABIES! Babies! Dog babies!

And I “got” one of them. By “got” I meant I went off to college but they weren’t allowed to get …

Nice little keepsakes we have here.

Thursday, September 16th, 2004

Comments overheard by the Peanut Gallery:

ME: “I wish I was one of those happy people. Those optimistic people. Instead, i bitch and moan and whine. And then I bitch and moan and whine till I get my way.”

Comments made by me on a videotape the hubs took while pregnant*:
“I think Ellie should be born 3 months early because I’m sick of this shit.”
“Ellie, what is the rule? We hate stupid people.”

*There would be more tapes but the camcorder broke THE DAY ELLIE WAS BORN so we had to bring it to best buy who promised to get the tape back to us because it was jammed. Needless to say we didn’t get the tape back. And on that, we had …

Help a kid out, okay?

Thursday, September 16th, 2004

Okay, this is totally not sarcastic nor has anything to do with what I normally talk about, but just deal with it, mkay?

Some of you who have been reading here for awhile may remember I wrote a story about a little boy who had a genetic disease who ultimately died. I had followed him from the beginning of his third stem cell transplant, which started the day after his 4th birthday, he was the second child in the world to get one, to the day he died.

It was very very sad.

Well, while doing so, I discovered a world of all these little children who are forgotten except during holidays. These are kids who have brain tumors, genetic diseases…you name it. …

Hurry cane!

Tuesday, September 14th, 2004

So purdy. I have to admit something. I’m a sucker for hurricanes and all types of weather-related disasters that you can prepare for.

I know, sick and wrong. Sick AND Wrong. I grew up on the coast in Texas so I paid a lot of attention to hurricanes and the weather. I watched The Weather Channel like other kids watched the Disney Channel.

I mean, I would wake up and watch it while getting ready for school and then come home and watch it. It helped me with my geography skills.

So the hurricane is hitting the Gulf Coast. And I keep watching TV just wondering if it will hit here. I know there is only a 7% chance but I just keep …

Help needed.

Sunday, September 12th, 2004

Need help. Preferably soon. I have to swtich this domain over. I picked a name. Don’t know what to do next. Could somebody explain this process to me? How do I switch all the stuff I have over at sj.javamama.net to my new site? How do I do all that new site stuff? What about hosting and picking a domain provider and stuff?

I feel so stupid.

Thank you come again

Tuesday, September 7th, 2004

Okie, since I might or might not be missing in action, lets have audience participation time!

Tell me where you are from. That’s all you have to do.

Por ejemplo:

My name is SJ and I live in the suburbs of Houston, TX.

You can even say if you like it there and where you’d want to live if you could.

Then it would say:

My name is SJ and I live in the suburbs of Houston, TX. Yeah, it is okay here, it is close to family. I’d like to live in Boulder, Colorado or in NYC for a few months or somewhere cool in Europe.

We’re leaving on an Express Jet Plane…

Tuesday, September 7th, 2004

As I mentioned earlier, we are doing tomorrow something we had hoped to never have to do. We are flying with an almost 2-month-old baby.

This was one of the reasons of why we wanted to move to Texas: WE DIDN’T WANT TO FLY WITH A BABY!

See, my Dad lives in Beaumont and his parents live in Tulsa, OK so that means that the only people we have to fly to visit are my Mom and her husband in Albuquerque, NM.

For some reason, my child has been in a very bad, very sleepy, very crappy mood today. I spent the good portion of my previous hours rocking her, setting her down and then having to go back to the bedroom …

FYI

Tuesday, September 7th, 2004

Posting may be a little erratic for the next few days as we have had a death in the hubs’ family and will be flying to Tulsa tomorrow.

I may be posting or I may not, depending on the circumstances.

IKEA: Sweedish for “Too many people.”

Sunday, September 5th, 2004

I went to IKEA yesterday. Actually, me, The Hubs, his parents, his sister and She Who Rules The Roost (aka SWRTR) went.

For those of you who have never had the privilage of visiting an IKEA, you are missing out. I mean, if it is good enough that the Saudis have a stampede over some free stuff and people end up getting killed…you KNOW there has to be something good going on there.

The only problem with IKEA is that there are other people there. The IKEA here in Houston is remodeled so it is now “Texas-sized” (and for some reason, the guy who announces this on the commericial sounds German and NOT Sweedish) so that means that all of Texas must …

Rose colored glasses make it difficult to drive at night.

Thursday, August 26th, 2004

My husband says I look through Rose Colored Glasses. Actually, he said it in relation to why I think it would be cool to live in NYC. Otherwise, I definately don’t have rose colored glasses.

Except when it comes to going out.

We went to the Houston Zoo this weekend, a place our friend Chris described as “Leaving him more depressed when he left” due to the conditions the animals lived in.

It seems as if anywhere the Hubs and I go and we see a zoo we end up going. And every time we get there, we realize how sucky the zoo is. Doesn’t matter WHAT zoo– we’ve been to the one in DC, the Tulsa Zoo…the houston zoo…we just don’t like …

Sweaty Sweaticus Writes A Book or Bakes a Cake

Tuesday, August 24th, 2004

Must be the humidity. Seems as if all the little ankle biters at the grocery store were acting up today.

Not MY ankle biter as she doesn’t have the coordination to do that yet (just wait, SJ, just wait.) but all the others. I’d say it was the full moon, but you probably haven’t experienced the Texas humidity.

I think that anyone who lives in a part of Texas that gets this type of humidity should get a grant from the government. I mean, hello, we CHOOSE to live here– and I think that is crazy! Why are we living here?!?!?!

Have we BEEN outside recently? If I feel a wetness in my bra, I need to remember that it is not …

Tears of the clowns

Thursday, August 19th, 2004

I love the weather.

So I decide to go to the store because, well, I have nothing better to do. I get Ellie up, get ready and get out the door. Take about 5 steps and the lightning and thunder we’ve had all day is louder. Much louder.

I don’t feel like getting struck by lightning while holding a baby. That would be bad.

So we come back in and sit on the couch so I can feed her and wait for the Satellite to work again because we all know they don’t work in bad weather or when the wind is more than 1mph or the Earth’s atmosphere is not exactly perfect.

Then more lightning and thunder. Really, really loud. House shaking. And …

On the road again…

Tuesday, August 17th, 2004

…Interrupting my cookie baking, underwear sitting, gymnastics watching night…

Going to visit the familia in East Texas tomorrow. Four stops seeing four family members. Alone. With a baby. Who pees. A lot.

I am very, very scared.

Hopefully she won’t pee on THEIR couches as she did to mine today. Let the good times begin.

They scream when you boil them, you know.

Monday, August 16th, 2004

After partially reading this article I find myself thinking a few different things, as I am prone to do.

Number one, I just love Dairy Queen. It is such a Texas thing to drive by the happy red sign and order a Blizzard. Don’t order a Breeze, whatever you do because they suck balls. Big fat hairy balls.

Side note: Do you know anyone who actually sucks balls? I mean, is this a common occurence?

Second, perhaps the good people at DQ have forgotten what Texas is like but the majority of the ones I have been to have not been in the middle of a cowfield. I mean, yeah, some are, but there are plenty in the city of Houston where you …

spam away

Monday, August 16th, 2004

okie i need help with MT blacklist. any help? please? I’ve been hit by the spambots.

Coming home and branching out

Friday, August 13th, 2004

As many of you may know, we recently moved from North Carolina back to Texas. I have grown up in Texas and up until the time we moved East, I had lived here for the majority of my life except for a few months (when I was 18/19) when I lived in Denver, Colorado.

Yes, I left Denver for Houston. Homesickness is a bitch.

Anyway, after we graduated from college and got married, the Hubs and I moved to Durham, which is outside of Raleigh. The area is pretty nice (pretty trees, great restaurants, wonderful hiking places) if you can overlook the gangs and Bitchy Ass Newspapers.

I wanted to move away from Texas because I felt the …

By the numbers

Monday, August 9th, 2004

My weekend by the numbers:

Number of Mexican dinners: 2
Number of margaritas: 2
Number of cups of coffee: 3
Pieces of chocolate cake: 1
Pieces of coconut pie: 1
Times we ran out of diapers in public: 1

Temperature I woke up with Monday morning: 102

PS What’s up with all the ads that keep popping up in my comments???? Make it stop!!

Titillating Fun!

Friday, August 6th, 2004

She shouldn’t look so glum. (Wonders if she gets to take home the “leftovers.")

A real pain in the ass…much like Ashlee Simpson

Friday, August 6th, 2004

You haven’t really lived until you’ve been shot in the ass.

(BTW, I think the title of that story should say “Idiot shoots self in ass.” Whatever.)

Yes, if you must know, I have been shot in the ass. I have lived!

I was in high school and it was spring break and still surprisingly cool for Texas. I was finishing up a 3.1 mile run and was crossing through a small woodsy patch between the sidewalk and the soccer field when I felt a snap.

I leaned down and touched the spot, right UNDER my asscheek and rubbed it, figuring that I had been snapped in the leg by a tree limb.

I took about two steps, realized the spot really hurt …

I wanna be…

Friday, July 30th, 2004

I have a confession to make.

Every time the Olympics come around, I wish I were an Olympic athlete. Yes. Yes, your friend, The Sarcastic Journalist, watches the swimming events and wishes to become one of the large shouldered, nicely tanned, chlorinated haired swimmers. Never mind I couldn’t do an underwater turn for the life of me. Never mind I get nervous and don’t really like competitions.

I want to be an Olympic athlete!

In college I signed up for synchronized swimming. I had to do it pass/fail because I was that bad. I’m talking sinking in the water, can’t keep up with everyone else, didn’t let my husband (then my new boyfriend) come to watch because I was so horrible. I …

enjoy this due to my poor posting…

Tuesday, July 27th, 2004

FYI– I have reintroduced all my archives and stuff, though they currently only go back to April, when I got fired.

I have to republish everything else to have all my old stuff show up….

Itchy itchicus

Saturday, July 24th, 2004

I can assure you, no matter how fun it sounds, that having a heat rash around Mr. Red Eye and in your butt crack isn’t that grand.

New meaning to the term “lube”

Friday, July 23rd, 2004

How to know that maybe, just maybe, you’ve been married too long.

(Actual conversation last night, while lying in bed.)

Hubby: Um, I wouldn’t put that Vasoline on your lips anymore.
Me: Why? When I put the vasoline on her butt (Ellie has anal fissures and we have to put vasoline on her poo hole so it doesnt tear) I don’t double dip. I use a different finger every time. Why? Do you double dip?
Hubby: I love you.
Me: Do you double dip in my Vasoline?
Hubby: I love you.
Me: I put that on my lips! How long have you been doing this?
Hubby: Only today. Okay, well maybe yesterday.
Me: You double dip your poo fingers in my Vasoline?
Hubby: We’ll get you a new one.

Kome to Krazy Kutz

Thursday, July 22nd, 2004

My Mom has been dragging my ass out recently. We’re now “ladies who lunch,” which means we go out, eat lots and lots of chocolate and coffee and then stop for things like ice cream.

So I decided, after months of having my husband cut my hair in the bathtub, to get my hair cut. By a professional.

Do you people know how hard it is to find a reputable salon? When I lived over in NC, yes, you see that right that I am now acknowladgeing (which I can’t spell) the state….I used Citysearch, which rules. But they don’t have Citysearch for suburbs.

So I go to the phone book to look up a place. First rule: Never go to a place …

Its broke but nobody will fix it…

Tuesday, July 20th, 2004

I can’t even think anymore, I’m so damn tired. What am I doing? Who am I? Where am I? Why is everything broken???

The toilet broke this morning, as in it likes to overflow and turn our bathroom into a lake of toilet sewage and water that covers all the clothing we had lying around on the floor because our bathroom is also our laundry room and stuff. It turns out that I flushed it and then it overflowed after overflowing once today and I didn’t notice. When I walked BACK into the bathroom that is now a lake, I was so tired that I didn’t even notice or care about the fact that water covered our floor.

My baby is …

Well that’s news.

Friday, July 9th, 2004

Today, I feel sad.

Memories….

Friday, July 9th, 2004

This article talks about the really crappy jobs that are available for the summer and as an occupation.

As we all know what my previous occupation was, I figured I’d tell you about a couple of my other jobs. But, briefly. My Mom is staring at me because I think she wants to leave the cave that is our apartment.

Shitty Job #1: Shoe salesperson at Lady Footlocker. Was supposed to push socks and such and those bow-biters that keep your shoelaces in place. Couldn’t bring myself to do it, but I could bring myself to do it in a sarcastic way. “Hi, would you like to buy a bow biter? The proceeds of the sales will be going to a home …

Darn, I’m in the wrong country!

Saturday, July 3rd, 2004

Having a baby is priceless, but I could really go for the $3,000 just for giving birth.

I need to read People Magazine a little more closely

Wednesday, June 30th, 2004

Who is this kid? Am I really that out of what is hip and happening??

Li’l Max$o arrives at the 2004 BET Awards at the Kodak Theater, Tuesday, June 29, 2004, Hollywood, CA

The pitter patter of little toilets

Wednesday, June 30th, 2004

The movie I, Robot is coming out soon. And the Hubs wants to see it. Fine by me, as it looks better than Spider Man 2, which I have also agreed to seeing, so I guess we’ll be seeing this movie.

Anyway, for some reason, every time I go to the bathroom during the night, I am reminded of this movie. Considering I go to the bathroom every 5.7 minutes, well, I have a lot of time to sit on the potty and think about robots and movies and potties.

You see, our house is controlled by machines. And when I say “machines,” I mean anything that is not human and does not breathe and provides some form of use. Such as …

I need a subscription to STAR!

Tuesday, June 29th, 2004

Via Gawker.

News to me….

Monday, June 28th, 2004

I personally find the local TV news to be some of the funniest things to watch out there.

So there was this very tragic event that happened here Friday. In case you don’t know, and haven’t been reading any Houston blogs, it has rained for approximately 2,574 days in a row. And when I say rain, I really mean a deluge from God. Biblical proportions.

This 14-year-old kid gets sucked into a drainpipe (you know, the type that runs from a ditch and goes under the street?) while riding along in a flooded ditch on an innertube.

Unfortunately, the kid drowns. Horrible. Absolutely horrible. But they go and find his friend and she says “I never thought something like this would happen …

Holy stinkums, batman!

Thursday, June 24th, 2004

Last night was one of those really long nights where the night just seems to go on forever.

Not that its a bad thing because, well, that means more time for sleep and more time for me to sleep next to the Hubs, who has to wake up at 7am.

For some reason, the guy has a habit of waking up at 3am and announcing that he “is wide awake and can’t go back to sleep.” I usually mumble something like go to sleep, my little fatso.

Then SJ’s skills come into hand as I make him lay down and then tell him to close his eyes and then I rub the top of his head while telling him to …

Like anyone cares…

Wednesday, June 23rd, 2004

I should win a medal. Why? Two people called me today and I actually answered the phone. And had conversations.

That’s a big step for me because I usually just hit the mute button on my phone and keep going on about my business. Yes, yes, I’m a recluse.

It happens.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled blogging

Monday, June 21st, 2004

….I am experiencing technical difficulties….husband “fixed” computer yesterday…internet portion not working well…SJ banging head against wall….

Be back soon.

A nice pulsating cervix

Friday, June 18th, 2004

WTF? Its 830ish AM and I AM UP. Been up since 7:30. Why? Cause I gotta call me some Planned Parenthood to get me some Prenatal Care.

Yes, in case you don’t know, besides killin your baby, they’ll also help it grow! Asian sounding woman who finally answered the phone ONE HOUR after the place opened, said “Call back one hour.”

Okay.

I’ve still been busy playing “I want to kill BCBS.” I spent all day yesterday on the phone. They seriously told me about 500 different things on the phone, depending on WHO I spoke to.

Had me in freaking tears most of the day. Got to the point where we were discussing flying back to Back Yonder to see …

Thoughts from the frontline

Monday, June 14th, 2004

*Why is it that every child in the world seems to want to stay inside and play video games but the little ghetto children around us INSIST on playing outside all day, every day?? And why must they use the stairs as their main playplace??

*I kept waking up to pee last night. Finally I asked the hubs what time it was. It was 3:30. I must have been up at least 10 times before then since I went to bed around midnight. Overall, I probably got up at least 20 times. And I still don’t think the baby has “dropped.” Blah.

*If you want to see those Bridal Guide pictures, you better hurry. I think the magazine goes off the stands …

Help, I need somebody….

Friday, June 11th, 2004

Maybe its the pregnancy. Perhaps its the hormones or the changes or maybe I’ve just made a big ol’ mistake.

I’m in one of those moods where I don’t feel like I can do anything. I’m just sitting on the couch, staring at the TV.

We thought it would only take the hubs 30 minutes to get to work. We had made the drive several times during the afternoon rush hour. It took him an hour to get there this morning.

He didn’t sound very happy about his job on the phone today. Maybe he doesn’t like it?? Is this my fault? Did I make him take it??

Someone made an offer on our house. An incrediably STUPID offer. Doesn’t want to close …

Land of Blue Bell

Wednesday, June 9th, 2004

**Taps mic, looks around**

Is this thing on???

Okay, after 1.5 weeks, I finally have access to both my laptop and a phone line, which means that I am FINALLY able to update my blog.

We’re in Houston, aka So Hot and Humid as Hell That You Want To Vomit Up Your Colon Anytime You Step Outside Land. Ahh, it’s nice to be home, isn’t it????

The sister in law and I made the trip in a record 18.5 hours, which included 3 massive thunderstorms, 1 trip to Dairy Queen, my one and only trip to Cracker Barrel, 5 zillion gallons of gas and sightings of more than acceptable numbers of “Adult Stores” on the side of the road. Who knew …

Be back soon! Texas or Bust!!

Sunday, May 30th, 2004

On the road again,
Like a band of gypsies, we go down the highway.
We’re the best of friends,
Insisting that the world be turnin’ our way,
And our way:

Is on the road again:
Just can’t wait to get on the road again.
The life I love is makin’ music with my friends,
And I can’t wait to get on the road again.

And I can’t wait to get on the road again.

Its a blog eat blog world

Saturday, May 29th, 2004

So I was surfing around to some blogs I normally don’t read tonight (while not packing) and I saw several point to this NY Times article.

Turns out we’re all obsessive-compulsive dorks who are addicted to our laptops. Nice, eh? :)

I’m still in the process of reading the story and it makes some good points. Points that my husband often make. Most blogs suck. Plain and simple.

“This is what I ate today.” Great. Go do something exciting, then tell me about it, biznitch. The worst are the ones that people seem to write to two or three of their friends and forget the random audience that might find the blog.

They suck, too.

I understand its hard to have a good …

Week of farewells

Wednesday, May 26th, 2004

This is a week of goodbyes. Not goodbyes to people, as the people we were friends with either became evil hippies or moved away. Which makes it easier to leave this place.

But, goodbye to this place in general. I know you’ve seen my bitching on here about the city I live in. It is a very interesting city, a city that sometimes I have troubles defining so I just use the term “ghetto” because that describes all the bad that I don’t like here. The ghetto holes in the road. The ghetto gangs that shoot at busses. The ghetto gas, ghetto neighborhoods, ghetto people whose bus stop is right outside the entrance to our neighborhood.

Goodbye, ghetto. That’s easy.

But, to say …

Input

Tuesday, May 25th, 2004

Should SJ get a new blog?****

If so, what should it be like? The same? More writing, less bitching?

***That is, one day when SJ actually has money to get a new blog.

la de da

Saturday, May 22nd, 2004

I only have a week left here, it turns out. I just don’t feel like I can be ready in a week. It’s like a vacation, a week doesn’t seem long enough for me to prepare to make a move.

I hate change. I’m not good at it at all.

I’m already emotional right now for a multitude of reasons, the first being that I called my sister in Texas to tell her the big news. You see, if you watched that 20/20 on siblings last night….the kids who hated each other? Totally us.

We’re so different on so many different levels. She’s older. A lot more quiet. Not exactly the brightest crayon in the box. Not that I don’t love her. …

I got a pee purse and you don’t!

Friday, May 21st, 2004

First off, I must tell everyone this important piece of information. If someone you live with, say your spouse, is ill, don’t just ASSUME that he has allergies and then go eat after him and kiss on him.

Cause you know why? It’s not allergies and your ass is gonna wake up at 630 am feeling crappy. I know. I’m there. I’m totally there.

But anyway, I forgot to tell the byproduct of the laproscopic surgery story yesterday. And this story is good on its own. And since I feel like gum on the bottom of your shoe, this would be a good story to tell.

So, after I had my laproscopic surgery last year, I got to sleep all day long in …

Awwww

Thursday, May 20th, 2004

This picture is for my husband, Brian Mercat. Mercat is a takeoff on Meercat. They’re cute, but not as cute as he is.

Nocturnal emission

Wednesday, May 19th, 2004

My sleeping patterns have changed and it’s very hard for me to deal with. When I was working, I went to bed between 10-11 and woke up at 6:30am and then, once I got knocked up, at 7:30-8am.

Right now, my husband is upstairs in bed. I’m sitting here, watching the horrors unfold on The Bachelor…lets not even go into how degrading these shows are to women. The men are always rich and successful and the women are these dumb floozies.

Oh wait.

I’m up until 1,2,3 in the morning. Sometimes I give in and take a damn sleeping pill. I HATE THIS. Its no fun being up, alone in the middle of the night! No creepy, floozy late night television shows …

There should be a law….

Wednesday, May 19th, 2004

Here’s yet another story of people who should be forcibly steralized. Who could abondon such a cute little girl?

Not uh

Wednesday, May 19th, 2004

Attention Los Angelinos: It’s time to move. I would NEVER make that much and still be considered working poor. You people are so crazy!! But I guess that’s what it costs to get to see “Brad and Jen” at the local Starbucks or whatever.

Breaking point

Saturday, May 15th, 2004

I guess I’m at that point. It’s been a month since “The Event” and even though I do not miss working at That Place, I feel myself becoming increasingly bored, restless and downright irritable.

I spent a good while earlier today on a tirade, explaining to my husband all the things I’m pissed about. The truth is, I’ve become incrediably bored. We don’t have cable and I’m not the type of person who likes to put in a movie and watch it for 2 hours. That’s just not my thing. I want to watch some random 30 minute show on conjoined twins and then switch to MTV and watch a Newlyweds episode and then get up and go.

And I can’t. Why? …

Name change?

Saturday, May 15th, 2004

Gwyneth Paltrow has given birth. She named her daughter Apple.

I’m dead serious. I would have expected something a little more sophistacted from someone like her. I can see it now. Everyone is going to jump on the bandwagon, just like they did with names like “Ava” (hello, Reese Witherspoon) and are going to name their freaking children after fruit.

They’re hoping for a boy next year….to be named Tangerine.

My 3-year-old niece wants me to name our baby Peach. I guess she’s onto something.

Hide the Kaballah sausage

Friday, May 14th, 2004

You know, if I were a Hollywood celebrity type person, I probably wouldn’t take sex pictures of me and another Hollywood celebrity type person, especially if our relationship was on the cover of US Weekly every week.

And, if I did, I would probably not leave them on a laptop that belonged to a friend of mine.

FYI, if the pictures do “come out” I might just have to go and look. Because, you know, I’m perverted like that.

Forward this!

Friday, May 14th, 2004

You know what? You gotta love my mother. That woman, well, she’s a email forward sending fool. Send her an email telling her she’s your best friend and must pass it on to 100 of her closest best friends? Oh, she’ll send it. She’ll send a copy of it to every single email address of yours that she has.

My sister in law sent her an email recently about a baby shower or something. My Mom put her on the forward list. I don’t get embarrassed really easily, but this embarrasses me. It’s like MOOOOOOMMMM don’t send forwards! My husband gets them too.

So anyway, I got a forward from her. It turns out I’m not supposed to buy gas on May …

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!

Thursday, May 13th, 2004

You’re more than a lover.
There could never be another,
to make me feel the way you do.
Oh, we just get closer.
I fall in love all over,
everytime I look at you.
I don’t know where I’d be,
without you here with me.
Life with you makes perfect sense.
You’re my best friend.

On Feb. 14, 2000, I was sitting on the second floor of the SCC on the Texas A&M Campus when some guy came and sat down next to me. I was in a really bad mood, had 3 tests to study for and really did not like guys at that moment.

And then he sneezed and I said “bless you.”

We started talking and realized that we had a lot …

Uh huh..yeah…

Wednesday, May 12th, 2004

Today’s thoughts in no particular order:

1. How can you wake up 1 hour into a Unisom-induced sleep and be completely and totally awake?

2. I had a late-night snack for the first time ever last night. PBJ.

3. Why do all Bollywood movies have dancing in them?

4. Why is it when I decide that I want to make dinner, I have big plans of an extravagent meal, but by the time dinner comes around, all I made is a tunafish sandwich?

5. Stupid people really piss me off. I wish they’d just go the fuck away already.

6. How is Rosie O’Donnell everywhere again? She’s now into painting and from what I can see, you can get something very similar to her stuff from …

The waiting game

Tuesday, May 11th, 2004

My life right now is one big waiting game. Seriously. That’s all I do. I’d like to give all my specifics, but of course, that would have me not having people who know me in real life reading my blog. And, well, that line has already been crossed.

So, internet friends, I keep my mouth shut. Or at least I keep my fingers from typing what I want them to say.

We’re in the middle of one big waiting process right now. I wait for unemployment to see if I’ll even get it. I wait for agents to send me rejection letters. I wait for this lady who was supposed to call me about a job but never did. I wait for …

This is the show that never ends….

Friday, May 7th, 2004

Yeah, so I watched that TV show that ended last night. I just want to say thanks to NBC for calling it a 2-hour special but the first hour was just recaps I could see on any other freaking rerun every day. But thanks, because that meant I could watch Survivor.

The fun part of watching the show that ended last night was the fact that I could guess what was happening BEFORE it happened! Such as “The duck is about to crap in Chandler’s hand.” Then it did. “Rachel will show up at Ross’ door.” Then she did.

I think I impress the hubs with the ability to say what is about to happen on a lot of shows/movies like …

Thanks, Oprah!

Wednesday, May 5th, 2004

What I learned from TV today:

When you go and are chained in a dungeon and are raped everyday…that changes who you are.

Spoiler

Wednesday, May 5th, 2004

FYI, for people who watch The Bachelor (which I don’t.) They just said on The View that the latest castoff will be on tomorrow. Said it was a “secret.” Then I saw an ad saying “The Bachelor’s Trish” will be on tomorrow.

I think that’s the bitch girl or something. You’ve been warned.

Blog E. Blog

Tuesday, May 4th, 2004

How do I learn to go and make my blog template different? Although I love mine (thanks Javamama!) I feel like trying something new.*

Anyone wanna help? Or at least point me in the right direction?

*Sad thing is, I could study the stupid crap for 5 days and the hubs can come along and in 2 minutes, have learned more than I ever could. Yeah for him.

Sleepy sleepicus

Tuesday, May 4th, 2004

It’s so good to know that my two years into the working force hasn’t ruined my original sleeping habits. Up till two weeks ago, I would be tired by 10 or 11 at night and then wake up around 8. Yeah, I was tired, but I was in a pattern.

Forget that now. I sat in bed for 2 hours last night, typing and reading. I KNEW I didn’t want to sleep till noon again so I started waking up every damn 20 minutes starting at 930am. But I was so tired that all I could do was look at the clock and roll over.

It is like I’ve been transformed back to my college sleeping patterns. It seems absolutely impossible …

Really?

Monday, May 3rd, 2004

Good grief. The Drew Cary Show is still on?

Luckily for me, not for much longer. Looks like it’s being overshadowed by some more overhyped shows ends.

Perhaps another word?

Monday, May 3rd, 2004

Okay people. I think we need to have a discussion here. Seriously. I keep reading how “devoted” to my blog I am. So “devoted” that I got fired.

Huh? Wouldn’t that mean that I woulda had an option here? Like, someone says to me “SJ, take down the blog.” And I say “No” and then jump up on a table, pull out a sword, knock some shit around and then run out of the room and go blog about it?

And then they would come to me and give me one final chance and I’d say “No, because I’m devoted to this blog.”

Come on. Seriously. We all know it didn’t happen that way.

Yes, I like my blog. It’s okay. I like …

Who are the people in your neighborhood?

Friday, April 30th, 2004

I’ve never had much luck with neighbors. Seriously. As long as I can remember, we’ve had some doozies.

When I was little and growing up in Groves, Texas, we had one spectacularly weird neighbor. Her name was (using phonetics here) Dorsa-lene. Dorsalene lived in her pajamas. As in, never left them. Ever. Even when the local TV news people would show up to interview her about her plants/construction/backed up pipeline down the road. The woman wore the damn things everywhere. One of my family members told me that she wore her husband’s underwear as well. Anyway her husband was a nighttime security guard. They found him dead at the bottom of the Neches River (prounounced Nay-ches) gripping a still turned …

I know how to keep that romance alive!

Thursday, April 29th, 2004

Things my husband doesn’t want to hear as he’s trying to fall asleep*

1. He needs a physical.
2. He needs a colonoscopy– just in case.
3. Has he been checking his nuts for testicular cancer?
4. Me asking him what he wants for lunch but isn’t going to get since he didn’t buy me that chocolate ice cream I wanted tonight.
5. My using the phrase “That is as futile as searching for a piece of gold in a port-o-potty full of watery crap.”
6. Asking if the windows are open.
7. Asking if he’s sure the windows are open.
8. Me asking why everything isn’t turning out the way I think it should.
9. Me asking what I should do tomorrow.

*I learned from personal experience tonight. Crazy …

feel da love

Thursday, April 29th, 2004

This guy seems to have a sense of humor. Any lady would be lucky to be his second wife. And have her wedding dress modeled on ebay.

okie dokie….

Monday, April 26th, 2004

i feel very confused. i had sent a friend an email and its like “Hi how are you i got fired and now i have no money.” it wasnt a downer or anything but just like yeah…this is what’s up. havent talked to you in awhile.

And then I get an email back saying that so and so is glad everything is good with me.

HUH?

Interesting!

Friday, April 23rd, 2004

Fun fact learned from watching TV: Never let anyone touch you in an area covered by a bathingsuit. Unless it’s to keep you healthy.

Thanks, TV!

Answer correctly and you get a gold star!

Friday, April 23rd, 2004

Okay, it’s class participation time. In order to celebrate my one week anniversary, let’s tell stories!

What was the biggest goof off you did while at work?

**Note, I don’t care when this was. Maybe you were 15 or 20 or 60. It’s the point of sharing that we’re promoting here, people.

When I was 17, my Mom made me work at a Lady Footlocker. I HATED that place. You see, I’m not much of a salesperson. I don’t want to try and sell you socks when you just want shoes. Damnit, if you want socks, you’d ask for them. Let’s just say I never sold anything besides what they asked for.

Okay, so one weeknight, I get bored and start calling …

Note to my former co-workers:

Thursday, April 22nd, 2004

According to my site meter, my former place of employment has spent over 157 minutes online at my site today. Well, since about 2pm anyway.

Isn’t that special? Even better, not one person stands up to say anything in comments or in a little email.

Aren’t we nice?

I don’t get it. Obviously they are interested. Perhaps it’s the Asslicks in the Corner Offices who feel the need to come and read what I write. Maybe it’s just a former co-worker who had no say so in anything. If you are the second, feel free to keep reading.

I was going to write something really funny right here but HE stopped me. And this is guy who posted a picture of a …

meow meow meow meow

Thursday, April 22nd, 2004

Today is Earth Day.

Yeah Earth. Woo hoo. Thanks for the crab grass.

Anyway, fark tells me to give a beaver a hug. I can’t even see mine. Where’s the Hubs when I need him?

Oh yeah…work. Bleh.

It’s all your fault, I screen my phone calls…

Wednesday, April 21st, 2004

Sorry I’m not home right now, I’m walking in the spiderwebs, leave a message and I’ll call you back….

Hi, my name is SJ and I’m a stay at home Mom to a fetus.

I came up with a new slogan last night. When life throws you a curve ball, start swinging. Then I thought about it. Two other options to the curveball are to 1. get a bigger bat and 2. hit the umpire.

I like all three.

Anyway, I finally filed for unemployment. It wasn’t half as scary as I thought. Good thing it just asked generally how I had to leave my job. Luckily I didn’t have to explain because I don’t know how well “Worked for cockless dicknosed assholes …

It’s time for a nap.

Tuesday, April 20th, 2004

SJ goes on a job interview…hilarity ensues.

So I go to a job interview in neighboring city this morning. It’s entry level and the waiting room is full of girls in little business outfits with their dyed hair and shit. And then there’s pregnant SJ. I hear talk of fraternities and debutantes or something. I can feel Ellie trying to claw her way out of there. I don’t think she liked those girls.

I got the belly look, by the way. That means “No job for you.”

You know the look. It’s the quick look down where they try to not look like they are staring. But they are.

Anyway, they want you in at 745am and you work 8-6. I DONT THINK SO.

So…..my …

what? huh? what? what?

Tuesday, April 20th, 2004

Some doc says that they should prescribe pot for kids with ADD.

Is it me, or could you see a bunch of parents just KNOWING that junior has ADD and needs to be treated for it??? Ahh, think of the kids in high school. “Okay, this is what you do to pretend you have ADD…”

Laundry? What laundry?

Monday, April 19th, 2004

Idiot lights rug on fire, challenges roommate to see who can stay in the room longest and dies.

Goodbye, life. Hello, Darwin.

Anyway, this reminded me of all the fun I used to have with my roommate my freshmen year in college. And when I say fun, I mean fun tormenting her.

I went to a very very very very conservative Christian school in Colorado. I hated that place. Anyway, just so you know how evil the place was….the motto for gals was “Ring by spring or your money back.”

Oookkkaaay. I wasn’t planning on going to college to become some youth pastor’s trophy wife. Thanks for the options, MOM! (Luckily, I later ended up at Texas A&M University.)

My …

orange drinks and chocolate shrinks…

Monday, April 19th, 2004

Did you know that Sharon Osbourne says that the people on The Sopranos are just like us? That we can relate to them???

Huh? What? Even though my Dad totally reminds me of Tony Soprano (okay, except he doesn’t kill people, but he did own a funeral home) I don’t think that I have much in common with those people.

But then again, people used to say that the Osbournes were such good parents and we all know HOW THAT turned out.

I just took my nasty orange glucose drink for my gestational diabetes test. I don’t have the damn diabetes, so why do I have to get my blood drawn? These people KNOW i have a needle phobia.

I’m not talking “Oh I …

Alert the presses, send out the press releases.

Friday, April 16th, 2004

I’m still here. Yes, you might notice a little change to my web site, as in everything is gone. No, it’s not gone as in “bye-bye” like my JOB, but gone as in well-hidden from the prying eyes of those who don’t need to be looking around here.

I’m not going anywhere. Do you think I’m going to let something like those idiots firing me keep me down? Hell, they’ve already fired me, I might as well keep blogging. I just felt like taking everything down because it seems as if EVERYONE at my former job has been trying to visit tonight.

And I don’t play that way. If they want to read some sarcastic ramblings about their job, well, I hope …

Fashion police…

Wednesday, April 14th, 2004

You know….the green face paint, tongue piercing, cocoa puffs necklace, they’re all okay. I really think it’s the red dot that sent this look over the line.

You so crazy, I think I wanna have yo baby

Tuesday, April 13th, 2004

Before I get started on the daily nothingness that occurs as I sit at this Hellhole of a cubicle, I just have to point something out.

I seriously married the funniest guy in the entire world. Just read the top blog. It made me laugh.

I can’t explain how much laughing goes on at our house. It’s not like we’re telling jokes, it’s just that when I’m around him, things are so damn funny.

Of course, now that I’m a crazy hormonal basketcase, there’s a lot of crying, which sometimes he finds funny because I cry about stupid things. I know not to get upset over that because honestly, I am crying about stupid things. I can’t even remember yesterday’s stupid reason …

Whoopidy dee doopity doo

Monday, April 12th, 2004

….Later…..

Today’s incoherent thoughts:
1. They may be called the Junior League, but it’s probably because they have Junior manners. I got ditched TWICE today by them (by 2 different people) for interviews. Classy.
2. I’m going to write a non-fiction book. It’s going to be about life after college by your friend, The Sarcastic Journalist. (I’ll probably be looking for people to interview. Hint hint.) Yes, you can talk to me on the phone and see if I have a real Texas accent or not! (Answer: I don’t.)
3. We now have a crib for Ellie’s room.

My twelve pound donkey child can now make her appearance at any time because she officially has a place to sleep.

Well shit on me.

Monday, April 12th, 2004

did you know that if someone sends you an email about you but doesnt address you IN it, only CCing it to you that it is putting you in the loop?

Before I leave….

Wednesday, April 7th, 2004

Hey, you wanna do me a favor? tell me about where you live. In your own fun terms. People come here from all over BFE and I want to hear about where you’re from, darnit!

I’ll start.

I live in a good size town (100K+) in a large metropolitan area. We have a lot of trees. And access to great healthcare. But, that’s boring. We also have a very tense racial atmosphere here and there is a definate education gap: Either you are well-educated or you are as uneducated as they come. No middle ground. All the uneducated people work at the grocery store behind my house. And they hate white people.

There are 3 different types of grocery store chains. Actually, four. …

yeah for Texans!

Wednesday, April 7th, 2004

This is just plain out gross. I am so glad I was eating (yesteday’s) soup while reading about filthy mcnasty over here.

Guy kills wife, kids. Cuts hearts out. Goes to jail. Pulls own eyeball out. Quotes Bible.

And they’re going to evaluate him for mental stability. Okaay. They should not restrain him and see what he pulls out (or off) next. I think that’s a much better punishment.

Forget potty training, this kid’s the shit

Wednesday, April 7th, 2004

I wish I could go to this restaurant to see the 2year-old working the cash register.

When my baby grows up, she’s going to be a 2-year-old Asian boy living in Louisiana who works at an Asian food place and counts correct change.

Just a tidbit

Tuesday, April 6th, 2004

Being the good journalist that I am, I’ll let you in on a website I found via E! Online. Go here and find out who your neighbors are voting for.

Even better, find out who Barbra Streisand is donating to. The answer? Anyone who’s a democrat. Loser.

Great, now I’ve created a lump in my throat.

Monday, April 5th, 2004

I’m going to be completely honest here, because if I can’t be honest on my own website, where can I be?

I’ve stopped taking my “stress medication” again.

First of all, let me explain this. I’m not depressed, nor was I. I think that’s an important thing to say because there is a big difference between people who are depressed and me.

We’ve had a lot of changes in our lives since we’ve gotten married. Moved across the country, job changes, home changes, problems at jobs, pregnancy. I went to the doctor last year with an ear ache. Turns out that I was grinding my teeth (I also have TMJ) and it was causing ear pain. The doc asks about my stress …

Vomity vomit

Friday, April 2nd, 2004

I’m back, pity party over, with a nice case of coffee breath. As the hubs said yesterday “I knew you were having a bad day when you got mad about people asking how you were doing.”

So ladies, or husbands of ladies who have been/are pregnant…am I the only one who gets tired of the “How are you feeling” questions? I don’t think the hubs understands that I get annoyed easily.

But anyway, I celebrated last night by sending out even more letters to magazine editors, just because I’m that cool. Maybe I’ll get lucky this time. If I do, the hubs has agreed to get me a domain name for my writing. I already am using this one (but it’s …

Bad to be good….

Wednesday, March 31st, 2004

I just went shopping for a photo for the food section. Have a bag full of fancy chocolates and stuff sitting behind me. Just waiting to get put together to turn into a picture.

I want to eat those chocolates and make them pay. Pay for what? Being invented.

I see a note on a conference room that says it’s in use. I see that there is Obese Sports Writer in there on a call. Doing an interview. Why in there when he has his OWN desk I dont know.

But I wanted nothing more than to open the door and start screaming like a banshee. Especially since he was on the speakerphone.

It’s good to be bad.

Deliriousness sets in

Tuesday, March 30th, 2004

I often find myself having to do interviews about REALLY stupid things. I mean, the type of interview where I only need to ask one question, but since I have to write a certain amount, I just keep asking more and more questions.

And they keep getting worse and worse. Then it gets to the point where I’m so tired I have no idea what the Hell I’m saying. I just had one of those interviews. I really have no idea what went on in it.

Good thing I have a tape recorder. But, that’s boring. Let’s all look at this picture of a before and after for a facelift, shall we? It’s a lot more exciting.

I’m so tired I can’t …

what? huh? how?

Monday, March 29th, 2004

Another insite into the wonderful world of journalism for all of those of you who don’t give a rats ass:

See, since I do features, a lot of times, I’m busy doing what I want. That means, I sit around and think “Hmm, what do I want to write about?” I try and hide from news as much as possible (and it works, because I DONT DO NEWS) and just go about my merry own way.

Por ejemplo, some stories I have written about because I felt in the mood to do so (or because I wanted to bake something for the picture.)
cookies. halloween treats. candy apples. baby names. paying for childcare. spring fashion. authors or musicians that I like that will …

Musta been the chocolate bar and the Dr. Pepper yesterday

Monday, March 29th, 2004

Somebody call a doctor! I’m being positive. I’m scared. Really, really scared.

I hope your weekend was as good as mine. Didn’t really do too many things special, but you know what, as far as weekends go, it was good. We found an AWESOME church yesterday. About stinking time. They played the electric guitar, some people wore shorts, the pastor was funny and get this…the sermon was titled “Don’t worry.”

Very approperiate, don’t you think?

We’ve stopped worrying about our upcoming big changes. We’ve decided to stay in the house. If that means I have to go back to work once maternity is done, so be it. We want our house, darnit, and we’re going to stay in it. It’s such a …

Too much information overload, if you ask me.

Friday, March 26th, 2004

You know what I don’t get? Overhyped blogs. I really just don’t get them.

To me, the blogging world seems to be a lot like junior high. It’s all who you know, your appearance, if Daddy buys you clothes from Abercrappie, etc. I’ve gone to some of the more popular weblogs and honestly, for the most part, I’m not impressed. In fact, I’m downright bored.

That’s why I’m so disappointed by the Bloggie awards. These are supposed to be the best? Are you shitting me?

Perhaps I’m just difficult to please or am a blog snob. But, for the most part, most of those blogs I find terribly boring. Not that I’m saying I’m all cool and shit, because, …

Rock your body….

Friday, March 26th, 2004

I’m proud to say that at least once in my life, I can brag that I’m the same size as Gwyneth. It’s hard to be all gracious and hoity toity when you got that belly, huh?

PS I’m also gleeful because I know, under that dress, that she too has big ugly nipples!

….You are a friend of mine

Thursday, March 25th, 2004

Today’s highlights in no particular order:

1. Dr. Pepper. How you are my friend.
2. Continuing to find more ways to make fun of Public Enemy Number One.
3. The pictures of Leta over at Dooce. Come on, Ellie! Get here already!
4. Someone from work, who I recognize but don’t know said he finally noticed today that “I have one in the oven.” He said this is the first time he’s seen me and noticed it. I’ve hid my child well for six months, I say.
5. Reveling in the fact that no matter how bad things get, I will never be as stupid as Public Enemy Number One.
6. Walking around our parking lot and enjoying the 65 …

What’s the buzz?

Thursday, March 25th, 2004

Okay, after a story is written for a newspaper, it goes through several hands. Editors, copy editors (who proofread), designers, you name it. Sometimes copy editors (who you don’t even know) will call you to ask a question.

I wonder if they did that with this story.

Time to take the vibrators out of the closet.

A tale of two nuts

Tuesday, March 23rd, 2004

There’s a weird thing that happens to you when you’re the picky eating, don’t go out to eat thin person amongst a sea of really, really big people.

They start attacking your eating habits.

You see, I bring my lunch to work every day. Yes, every day, unless we are out of all food or I have to do some lunch-related thing for work. It’s always a very boring lunch. Fruit. Sandwich. crap like that. My coworkers dont like that. Book hoarder has made fun of my fruit and sandwiches, like I’m some evil incarnate for bringing the stuff into her presence. She once swore that I was a vegetarian because I don’t order meat-heavy dishes at Mexican restaurants.

Food Guy, who really …

For all you NASCAR fans

Friday, March 19th, 2004

Turns out that Nascar star Jeff Gordon has a little temper problem. He also doesn’t like reporters. Well, neither do I. He’s lucky I wasn’t the one he mouthed off to.

Gordon: “What the (expletive) is wrong with you?”
Story: “I’m just doing my job.”
Gordon: “Well, your job sucks.”

I would have told him that yes, my job does suck. But so do you, you cheating asshole.

I would have enjoyed that conversation very, very much.

Fuzzy math

Friday, March 19th, 2004

How to scare the shit out of yourself in no time flat: Realize there is no way in sam hell that you can have a child, have a house, have a job and or a babysitter at the same time. In fact, you can’t even have the child and the house with no job.

Must start process to sell a kidney.

And the words just keep coming out of my mouth.

Thursday, March 18th, 2004

I think that sometimes, I confuse people with what I say. For example, PR person calls me up about Kristi Yamaguchi. I want to get an interview with just ANYONE who knows her who can say “She’s wonderful, I love her, she’s hot” or whatever.

So she calls and says “How about Scott Hamilton this afternoon? Is that too soon?”

Me: “Oh, no. That’s fine. I just need to take a few minutes to take off my staring at the wall cap and put on my thinking cap.”

Complete silence on her end. Don’t think she got the joke.

everybody does it

Thursday, March 18th, 2004

Come on, you know you do it…..

you google yourself, don’t you? Hell, I do, but a good reason for that is because as a journalist, it’s funny to see where my stuff pops up.

I just recently found some college student’s critique of a story I wrote last year on Clay Aiken. Obviously, this student was an Aiken fan and enjoyed that I gave his fans a voice.

She/He didn’t like, however, that I didn’t report more on the sports game he attended.

I also have a story I wrote on Autism on a vaccination website right now. The type of website that gives hippies hard ons about “vaccination is bad! germs are good!” and shit. I’m not a fan of that. Especially …

Give me a gun or some advil, already.

Thursday, March 18th, 2004

I need a cathater and a butler. Anyone willing to be one for me? the foot tendonitis is still here. Can’t walk worth shit. I’m doing all I can but the “treatment” is anti-inflammatories, which even I won’t take. WTF am I supposed to do?

I go to the Dreaded Preggo board and someone says “Uh, don’t use it.” Well, fuck, I’ve already THOUGHT of that, but pissing and crapping on myself isn’t my exact idea of fun. And, well, you know, I do have to go to work. Which involves walking my ass up stairs. The hubs has pushed me through a grocery store in a wheelchair. He brings me food and is always telling me to sit.

But the damn …

So long, farewell, don’t expect me to say goodbye

Wednesday, March 17th, 2004

I see your true colors shining through…

…Only a couple of days left and Yesman aka Gimplicker has become the man that he really is. He’s being an ass. Can’t it be friday already and can’t he already just be gone?

Bam bam!

Wednesday, March 17th, 2004

The World Bank president got paint bombed. Come on, tell me who (important person or just a peon) you would like to do this to. I can think of plenty…. but right now I’m going to go with an ex-friend who, the more I think about it, is an idiot.

My innie will not become an outie

Tuesday, March 16th, 2004

Dooce has posted her birth story and well, my vagina is quivering. And I don’t mean in a happy do me type of way. My vagina is saying “What? You expect what to come out of THIS? Do you even REALIZE that your husband is 6′4, you crazy woman???”

I think that childbirth, in general, is a really bad idea. I mean, some little thing with a head and shoulders and feet is supposed to pass through an itty bitty little hole? Yeah, okay. Whatever. You won’t see me crying if this baby is breech and they do a c-section. Hell, I’ll offer myself on the chopping block if that means my cooter doesn’t have to expand to accomodate …

No sarcasam, just an observation.

Tuesday, March 16th, 2004

So the very stupid, very ugly Carmen Electra thinks that life isn’t worth living unless it’s in front of a camera.

that’s really, really sad. Last night, I had one of those moments that are just so wonderful, even though it’s nothing big. The hubs and I were sitting in our bathtub (called a “garden tub” by our home builder), reading our respective magazines– American Baby and US Weekly. And I was reading US Weekly.

But anyway, it was just one of those things. The water was warm, we were just sitting there, enjoying ourselves, talking about Ellie, about how things have changed so much for us in the past year and how they are only going to change more, …

When work gets in the way of blogging

Tuesday, March 16th, 2004

The good: I’ve been gone the majority of today at a PR conference. Where they fed me. Of course, on the way back, I stopped by my house to ice my tendonitised foot.

The bad: I fell asleep. For an hour.

The worst: I had too much crap to do to fall asleep, even though I let myself do so anyway. I return to find emails asking “where is this story?” when I haven’t written anything of it yet. Fear is taking over. I’m also annoyed because I want to blog about something but I can’t find the referring story and I don’t have time to really put my thoughts together.

Chinatown or bust!

Thursday, March 11th, 2004

I’ve made the lists and checked them twice. Blue line to L’enfant plaza to yellow line to gallery place….

I am The Woman in charge of our trip to Washington DC. If it were up to the hubs, we’d do what we did LAST TIME we went there, which involved walking all over Gods Green Earth and eventually, causing me to get in a Very Bad Mood, all because “Why in the fuck are we still walking when it’s cold outside?!”

Now I have an intenarary. It has the names of subway lines and exits and times and costs. We have restaurant names. We have backup plans. And we’ll still probably get mega lost.

I’m not sure why he is trusting me …

If someone is cooking fish in the microwave, I will have to go all postal on their ass.

Thursday, March 11th, 2004

There are many things that can normally make me sad. Music, for example, has a way of making me bawl like a little girl for long periods of time. I refuse to listen to sad music.

Right now, I’m mourning the loss of some of my pineapple on our breakroom floor. Oh pineapple, I will miss you.

The sad thing is this: I told myself “No caffeine” today. That means no Coke. But here I am, telling myself that since I lost my pineapple and forgot to bring a plum in my lunch, that the Coca-Cola is the exact thing that will bring me happiness in this time of sadness.

My husband also emailed me and mentioned something about a burrito. Since …

Same old, same old, just add in hippies

Thursday, March 11th, 2004

You people need to make the news more exciting for me to read. You see, I only post stuff when my “Inner voice” speaks to me. It’s this voice that says “Ha ha you idiot.” Then I post on here what I think.

But nothing is getting to me.

We went to the worst modern dance thingie last night. No, wait. Take that back. A year ago, we had to go to this dance (for work) and it lasted over an hour. These people moved SO FREAKING SLOW that if they had done all the movements at regular pace, they would have been done in three minutes. I’m not lying. Ask my husband. He had to suffer through it, too.

So, …

Well, isn’t that special?

Wednesday, March 10th, 2004

I just had a conversation with Kristi Yamaguchi about breastfeeding. I also managed to get in a “Holy freaking crap! You’re little!” into the convo. She said I was a small pregnant chick.

Overall, I think I scared the shit out of her. That seems to happen a lot.

Change for one million?

Wednesday, March 10th, 2004

Tip for the stupid:
If you are going to go and try and buy shit with a fake $1 million bill, let’s try and not look like trailer trash, shall we?

And people, before you go all hedonistic on my ass and say “what’s the story?” It’s all over the news. Go to any news site. It’s probably there. I haven’t read the story, all I need to do is look at the picture and get a sense of what we’re dealing with here.

Because there’s no news that excites me…

Tuesday, March 9th, 2004

I am thoroughly looking forward to July, when the contents of my uterus will come out of an itty bitty hole and change my life forever.

But, I’m not looking forward to THAT. No, I’m looking forward to #1 meeting the little kicker already. And, most importantly, #2, not having to come here to work anymore. And that makes me very very very happy.

I am also looking forward to Friday, when we leave for a nice little vacay to Washington DC. The land of free historical monuments and hours upon hours of walking around the big ass city. Should be fun, considering I now have to stop twice on 3 mile walks.

I think my husband is really worried about this facet …

Uh, I still need a recommendation….

Monday, March 8th, 2004

Breaking news from the newsroom……

Bossman, aka Gimplicker—- just quit.

I’m about to go Texas Chainsaw Massacre on you

Monday, March 8th, 2004

It’s amazing how working in close proximity with people can really make you want to shoot them. Every time my retarded boss sneezes, well, it makes me want to get out a sledgehammer and put him out of his misery.

You see, he doesn’t sneeze like a normal person. No aaaa-choo! No, it’s this sound that is a combination of a groan, suffocation, whine, sneeze and any other annoying sound that the human body could possibly create. Maybe he could just suffocate himself and put all of us out of our misery.

I hate his sneezes. When he sneezes, it makes me hate him more.

Other coworkers are just as annoying. Book hoarder feels the need to go “mm hmm” at least 1 …

Get well soon….

Friday, March 5th, 2004

This further confirms my suspicions that doctors are complete morons. Please go over and leave a good note for Stacey.

She’s 21, pregnant and just found out she has cancer. Stace, I’ll be praying for you.

How to have a good day, SJ style.

Thursday, March 4th, 2004

How to get the most out of your day, while doing the least amount of face time at work and still doing what you want:

(I’ve followed this plan all day and am having a spectacular day. This plan may not work well for non-reporters.)

** Start your day off early. Meet for an interview at 8am but leave at 7:30 just so you can get those 30 pesky minutes off your back. Have the interview somewhere fun, such as a coffee place. Order coffee. Take a long time to interview.

**Go back home and eat breakfast you had to skip to get to interview. Watch a little Today show and make lunch. All on the company clock. Heck, you already did …

And before she goes…

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2004

We had a fetal echocardio gram for da baby today. It’s all good, the heart is good, she’s good…as I expected. I don’t get worked up over things like that. In fact, I’m a very calm mother-to-be. Probably too calm for most people, but I don’t care.

But anyway, they ask “why are you getting this done?” And I say “My twin had tetrology of fallot.” (Heart problems. Big heart problems.)

She said “how is she doing?”

“She’s dead.” Just like that. Plain and simple. No she’s passed on or whatnot. She died. It was sad, I’m sure, but these things happen.

My frankness about things like this can really confuse people. I have no problems telling you that I had an identical …

Could it be?

Friday, February 27th, 2004

Perhaps it’s a sign? Maybe this is the chance I’ve been hoping for. You know, if you follow this for any time now, that I’m trying VERY HARD to break into freelance. Very very very hard.

Well, a source that I just interviewed for one of my stories, get this, is an editor at Child Magazine! Even though I was interviewing her, I decided to ballsy it up and asked if I could query her sometime with a story. She sounded surprised, but said yes.

Only problem? I’ve seen Child magazine, but haven’t read tons of it. So now I’m worried that my idea wouldn’t fit their magazine or that it’s just too weird. Also, I’ve been in touch with some people …

Probably my must stupid entry ever

Friday, February 27th, 2004

Please don’t hate me, but I’ve committed a horrible sin. At least, it’s a sin that’s pretty horrible in SJ-land.

I know watch reality television. It started off innocently enough, with Survivor Outback. And then I had to watch Survivor Amazon because someone from my town was on it. Then the next one looked good. Then I started watching Survivor All-Stars.

Then we got rid of cable, which means that I only have about 4 or 5 channels to watch. I saw all of Fox’s “The Littleist Groom” (I can’t spell today, sorry) and saw a few episodes of “My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance.” I saw the ending of the “Bachelorette” and screamed like bloody murder when Meredith dumped the sweet …

Yeah, maybe it’s good I dont have cable anymore…

Thursday, February 26th, 2004

Conversation held by me and another person, though I’m only telling you the fun parts I said. He just kinda sat there.

“Have fun, build me a snowman or a snowwoman or a snow hermaphrodite.”
he looks at me.
“Build me a snow hermaphrodite. they’re all over the news.”
he says its in time magazine.
“Yeah I know, hermaphrodites are all the rage. Maybe i shouldn’t say that or i’m going to have a hermaphrodite baby. But I’ll raise it to be proud of its genderless self.”

Let the grumbling proceed…..now.

Tuesday, February 24th, 2004

Shock me, shock me, shock me with that deviant attitude!

Yet another Hollywood person (I now detest the word celebrity since there is nothing to celebrate) Nick Lachey, aka Mr. Jessica Simpson, has mulled running for the mayor of Cincinatti.

Isn’t it ironic, dont you think?

Tuesday, February 24th, 2004

Tomorrow, my paper is making me jump on the bandwagon and see “The Passion of Christ.” Oh boy, I’m excited. The hubs says its in subtitles in some places. GREEEAAATTTT. At least I’ll get paid to sit and watch a Jesus movie instead of listening to Fumblenuts use Jesus’ name in a way that I don’t think God had planned.

Two of my coworkers saw it yesterday and hated it. One was the cussing religion lady. She said it was the most violent movie she has ever seen. Has she seen “Kill Bill?” I saw that and it was pretty violent. I can’t imagine the story of Our Lord and Savior being more violent than Lucy Liu getting her head chopped …

Pool follies

Tuesday, February 24th, 2004

There’s nothing like a lesson in body confidence than walking into a YMCA dressing room. Now, before I begin, I know that there are naked people in many gym dressing rooms, but the people who go to the Y are different. It’s family oriented…you know, soccer, swim practice? This place just reeks of good wholesome family nudity.

Well, at our YMCA, you have to go through the showers to get to the pool. Last night, I got a nice clear look of some foreign bush. And armpit hair. And boobs. Even when I was trying to avoid it, this woman’s hairy body just seemed to be EVERYWHERE. I didn’t think Asians were that hairy, but man, this woman’s armpits made my …

Am I really blogging about this?

Monday, February 23rd, 2004

Oh no. I’ve been Bitch Slapped. WHAT WILL I DO?

I got bitch slapped because I said that somehow they found my husbands blog when actually he linked to them. Know what? I’m a horrible journalist. For the love of all things good, please someone, come take me away from this job.

Okay, whatever. It’s all in good fun, but come on dude, you like HIS site better? Sorry hubs, but your site appeals to the lowest common denomator. You know, ball licking and eating your meat? Well, I take a step above that and use actual phrases to describe my feelings.

But anyway, this isn’t a popularity contest. We’re two different people with two very different websites. You can like …

How to make the work day better

Monday, February 23rd, 2004

If you read my stories at the paper on a pretty regular basis, you might find that I like to stick little things in there to piss off my superiors.

My paper is….how shall we say it….ultra conservative? So, of course, it only makes sense for me to write about online dating and to do two things I know will drive them up the wall: Feature a lesbian looking for women and talk about a site where you find sex partners by describing the type of sex you want to have.

Sometimes, I write about gay marching bands (which never got published…gee I wonder why.) Once, I even wrote a story about this gay men’s group that gave teddy bears to sick …

Don’t mess with my baby

Monday, February 23rd, 2004

So as you know, my husband has a blog. He also wrote about the KKK rally this weekend, as we went together.

Well, somehow, this one blog web site got ahold of my hubs’ blog and thought he was a KKK hood wearing racist.

Yeah, okay. He was MAKING fun of the site. You can to here to read what they are saying about him.

Of course, my protective instincts go up and I feel like defending him. Then I remember that my blog has this big huge rant about black history month. Yeah, nobody will even touch that topic with a ten foot pole, that’s why there are no comments. People are too scared to say …

Back to our regularly scheduled programming….

Monday, February 23rd, 2004

Well, Ellie had a big weekend this weekend. (For those of you not in the know, Ellie is our Fetus, aka a baby and she’s now the size of a banana. I had one on my cereal this morning, too.)

Well, first off, I grumbled around Saturday morning because that’s what SJ does. Then we went to taco bell and I completely forgot about all my worries because I had a Baja Chicken Chalupa! No worries! Then we drove over to the state capital (or is it capitol?) aka Capital City for you Simpsons Fans for some good ol’ KKK/Nazi rally fun.

It was so weird. There were these Nazis and KKK members and they were all around the capital and …

The road goes on forever and the party never ends…

Friday, February 20th, 2004

There’s one thing you can always expect if you come to this site. I will always be honest. I’m not the type of person to try and make myself look better, or to make things in my life seem so wonderful and happy and peppy and full of kitties.

Before I go on with what I’m about to talk about, I am reminded of another friend. This time, last year, a friend of mine was pregnant with what ultimately became a son. She’s in the same boat as me exactly. Away from home, having a baby in July, totally unexpected. However, I always read her baby site online and thought that she was just so happy and sappy and wonderful.

Only recently, …

Nothing to see, keep moving.

Friday, February 20th, 2004

Note to husband: Wow, thanks for checking your email. I so really appreciate it.

Always there for a good time

Friday, February 20th, 2004

It’s always fun to interview a friend for the paper. By email. i really enjoy the answers I get, especially when they are half serious, half how he normally talks.

Por ejemplo:

“Still, dating is tough and there are many things that can (and have)gone wrong through nobody’s fault. I am going to be moving again in the next few weeks but will definitely try it again when I get to my next location. ( I will probably join a more adult-oriented site next time that focuses more on quick hook-ups with complete strangers. www.slutfinder.com is supposed to be good.)

Stupid (city name deleted) bitches can suck my nuts. Frickin spoiled princesses driving around in Daddy’s …

Oh, let’s all pity Katie!

Thursday, February 19th, 2004

Well now it makes sense why Katie Couri has that ugly ass hairdo going on. She grew the bangs to um…. cover up the plastic surgery she’s about to get.

Seems as if HDTV and the million dollar woman’s wrinkles dont go well together….

yadda yadda yadda

Thursday, February 19th, 2004

My friend Shannon just sent me one of those dumb forwards. so I do it and it’s going to tell me my true personality. I’m supposed to write a word that corresponds to each animal. I think it’s a little off.

It says:
Me: smelly
Hubby: scary
Enemies: Little
sex: yummy
my life: fun

I’m not THAT scary!

Paging docotor nopants

Thursday, February 19th, 2004

I’m going to admit it. I was one of those girls. The same girls I see now and go “Geesh, don’t you know to put some clothes on?”

So I went to the mall yesterday to um, look for stories. For our style page. Somehow that involved me trying on clothes (where I also learned that if I buy pants in a larger size, they still fit! And look normal!) But these clothes out there are so um….revealing. The skirts would seriously show some major ass cheek if worn alone.

Now I was no clothes prude in high school. Or middle school. I was the girl known for having shorts where the pockets were actually LONGER than the shorts themselves. And I …

I don’t know why I ask opinions because it seems nobody ever answers…

Wednesday, February 18th, 2004

So the hubs’ job interview seemed to go well. The only thing? Well, it turns out that it MIGHT be a 5-6 month long job. It’s one of those scientific “It turns permanent if we get funding” things. I hate those, but he tends to keep getting those types of jobs.

We dont know yet if he has the job but I bet he might get it. Now, we’re agonizing over whether or not we should move for a temporary job. It’s like, okay, we’re going to leave our jobs that make us about 60k a year to move across the country, but back HOME, to a job that might only be temporary.

We’d have to rent our house. Move. It’s all …

The joys of pregnancy

Tuesday, February 17th, 2004

Actual phone conversation with the hubs earlier. (Random tidbits in no particular order.):

ME: There’s only room for one snarky, sleepy person in this house and that’s ME!

HIM: It seems like I’m the only one with things to do because you keep calling me.

ME: Now go to the store and buy me some M-N-Ms.

I usually also tell him to “Shut up, woman” or “Make me dinner, woman” but I forgot to. Ahh, i’ll just be nice. He’s trying to move me back to Tejas.

Could it be?

Tuesday, February 17th, 2004

You know, if my cooter weren’t already leaking some weird pregnancy induced fluid that makes me feel like I’m wetting myself, I might just piss my pants from sheer excitement!

My hubby, aka The Smartest Man in the Universe, has a phone interview tonight. Another company called this morning and was interested in him. And get this: They are both in Texas. In parts of Texas that we deem approperiate (San Antonio and Houston).

This just is so exciting. It gives me some hope that maybe this whole moving home thingie can actually happen.****

The funny thing is, I’m really not very good at describing what he does. Perhaps, it’s because I really don’t understand. All I know is that …

funny

Sunday, February 15th, 2004

I’m doing this. You should, too.

Visited states…yeah, I’m bored

Friday, February 13th, 2004

create your own visited states map
or write about it on the open travel guide

Umm…maybe I should head north more often?

Why boys are weird

Friday, February 13th, 2004

Men are a very weird species. Even though I already KNEW that, it has come to be so much more true since marrying my husband.

This guy has the ability to go #2 at the drop of a hat. So yesterday, while we�re getting ready to go workout, he has to go lay some cable. As usual. After he is finished, he comes out and starts talking about it. �Man, it was just like soft serve coming out.� Yeah that�s a nice mental picture, honey. Wonderful. Then he tells me not to go into the bathroom for 2 hours and how it was such a vile poop.

Then, for some reason unbeknownst to me, he wants me to go AND SMELL IT. …

Um, thanks?

Friday, February 13th, 2004

After 24 years, my grandfather still does not know how to spell my (very common) name.

All by myself

Thursday, February 12th, 2004

(Taps mic) “Hello, is this thing on?”

Good grief, I feel like I’ve been blacklisted or something.

Sex, drugs and the presidency

Thursday, February 12th, 2004

How does he do it? John Kerry is not an attractive man. In fact, I’m scared he might win president so I’d have to look at his ugly ass face on TV for the next 4 years.

So now Drudge is saying that a big John Kerry infidelity scandal is about to happen. This guy (Drudge) is the one who broke the Clinton/Lewinsky story.

Finally! A reason to pay attention to this whole Presidential race mumbo jumbo!

Any coupon works!

Thursday, February 12th, 2004

Okay, so Quiznos has this commericial where a retarded gerbil tells you that you can bring in any coupon and get $1.00 off a sub. Any coupon. Say it’s for toilet paper or a car wash or your local taxidermist.

You know those “love coupons” they have that are popular around V-day? Like ‘Good for one free spanking” or “I owe you one totally spectacular BJ?”

I want to find one of those and bring it in to Quiznos and get my $1 off. You think they’d let me do that?

When you get to this point, what do you do?

Thursday, February 12th, 2004

Seriously, someone. Please, for the love of God get me out of here. So yesterday, there was a big “Misscommunication” between me, bossman and Metro editor. I thought a story was due friday, it was due tuesday. everyone got mad at me, though I had been confused because Bossman is an idiot and metro editor didn’t feel the need to say “Hey, what the heck is going on?”

Basically, what is happening is that when people have problems, they don’t come to me. They let it fester into something really big and then I get it in the ass.

So, I was mad yesterday and made a comment to Book Hoarder that “I just really don’t care right now. I’ve tried, …

My Baby’s Daddy brings me to Sonic for Valentines Day :)

Wednesday, February 11th, 2004

Okay. Mr. SJ, aka The Hubs, has finally gotten into this whole blog thing….I’m going to let you see what he writes….but….be warned….um, he writes in a very crude, crass interesting way.

Here he is. Though I tell him that’s not how he NORMALLY speaks, he says that I’m just used the the “nancyfied” way of him. But yes, this is a version of how he is in front of his friends.

But, lets all just remember him as the loveable father of my child.

Friends, romans, countrymen…lend me your ears!

Wednesday, February 11th, 2004

Okay, really, seriously people. I need your help. I need your links or for you to tell people to come over here and help with this problemo I have.

Okay, as I said in the lower post, my boss keeps on bringing in his sick kids. This is not a once a year thingie. He has 4 kids. Four VERY SICK kids who are always contracting whatever disease is floating around the playground. He always brings them in.

Well, Book Hoarder (my coworker) and I both think it sucks. She says that we should “talk” to him about this. We know that’s a bunch of crap. He’s a big pussy, too scared to do anything. A Yes-man. The yes-man who got me …

In over her head

Tuesday, February 10th, 2004

Like I need anything else to control my time. I think I want yet ANOTHER blog. I’d keep this one and post as usual, but I just want a blog with a different feel. I’m envious of the blog over at Dooce. Maybe that’s why I keep refereincing it so much. The blog would be different than this one. It would have one long daily entry instead of my multitudes of snippets on here. I need to learn HTML first though to make it kick ass AND I’m trying to think of a cool domain name. So far, I’m hitting a brick wall with both.

Any help? Ideas? Tips?

Cleanup in Stall 2, Irv

Tuesday, February 10th, 2004

There’s nothing quite like tossing your cookies at work and having it get all over your clothes.

Totally off subject

Tuesday, February 10th, 2004

Okay, this story isn’t very well-written, but it is about a friend of mine. To give a little background, my friend Rochelle (aka Roch or Rochy) hasn’t exactly had an easy time in college. We lived in the same dorm, 2 doors down from each other, my sophomore year of college.

During the spring semester, her boyfriend fell to his death from an apartment balcony. Basically, for some (most likely alcohol induced) reason, he decided to try and climb up an icy apartment balcony.

Later that semester, she felt the need to climb into a tree that was the equivilent of 3 stories tall. She fell out of said tree, but lived. In the process, she managed to break several bones and …

If I weren’t so hungry, I’d throw my food

Monday, February 9th, 2004

Today’s fun message board question:

“How do I make my baby smarter in the womb?”

What I thought should be the answer: Honey, get the baby a smarter mother.

Everyone else is saying the tried and true cds, reading to the baby, blah blah… Did you know that if you poke your belly and the baby kicks back that you are making it smarter?? wow! how ingenious!

Oh yeah, eating fish and protein. Isn’t it crazy how we had all of these geniuses (Einstein, Mozart, etc) around before we knew about reading aloud and safe fish and Gymboree??

Rehashing of the drama explained

Monday, February 9th, 2004

Ahh, I think I might have confused people last week with my post titled something like “I’m moving to Africa or somewhere blah blah".

I’m very lucky with the fact that people who really “disagree” with me on here don’t feel the need to flame me. The person who I was writing about is not someone I know through the blog world, but someone I know in the Real World, which is what made me so mad that I wrote that entry.

I really don’t feel like rehashing the details on here (because it only makes me mad) but let’s just say that if you call yourself my Friend and then tell me my child belongs in foster care….well, don’t expect much …

Do not read me. Just go to the next one.

Thursday, February 5th, 2004

Not to steal the thunder from my last entry, which I wanted to leave at the top for the rest of the day, but I had to say this: My doctor said I would never have a non-throwup day while pregnant.

Well, buster. I didn’t barf yesterday. Not even once. No gagging, either. So, either it is the smaller meals with no liquids consumed during mealtime, the B6/unisom combo the internet people swear by or the lack of milk in my diet….but it worked.

Now go read my other rant and forget about this.

He who smelt it dealt it

Thursday, February 5th, 2004

Apparently, the hubs does not believe me when I say that his fart fumes are deadly.

If he keeps this up, I’m going to have hydrogen sulphide poisoning, too.

Chocolate starfish, part dos.

Wednesday, February 4th, 2004

You know it’s bad with Rob Schneider makes fun of you.

Starfish?

Monday, February 2nd, 2004

Warning, boobie picture below. Probably not saf for work or for little children’s eyes.

Just like a big ol Hershey’s Kiss. Now I don’t feel so bad about my nips getting darker, except mine are um, about 100 shades lighter than that.

What a guy!

Friday, January 30th, 2004

Parents, don’t be embarrassed if everyone calls your son a wussy boy. He may just jump into an alligator filled pond and save someone’s life just minutes later. :)

You won’t miss me after this one!

Friday, January 30th, 2004

I love days where I’m too busy to blog.

Meant to wake up at 8:15 this morning, but that turned into 8:40. Ate my little grits and milk breakfast, high-tailed it to work. Got here and thought about an interview I had to leave for in 30 minutes.

Realized I forgot to write down any questions. Start brain storming while listening to the rambling messages left by PR people on my voice mail. Delete mesages. Write down question. Toss question. It sucks.

Go toss my cookies. Turns out the Fetus still doesn’t like breakfast. Suck it up like a Woman, and finish writing said questions. Think about how crappy said questions are. Leave an hour early to get to the interview. Stop by …

A very special day, indeed.

Friday, January 30th, 2004

Tomorrow is a very special day. 25 years ago, my bestest friend in the whole wide world was born in Tulsa, OK. And, 21 years after that, I was lucky enough to get to find him.

“You’re more than a lover. There could never be another. To make me feel the way you do. Oh, we just get closer, I fall in love all over, every time I look at you. I don’t know where I’d be, without you here with me, Life with you makes perfect sense. You’re my best friend.”

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HUBS!!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!

Home….on the range….

Thursday, January 29th, 2004

I have to tell you a secret.

We want to go back to Houston. We’re trying to figure out how to do so as I type. The husband found a job he likes in the town we want to live in. It’s a job he is very well suited for.

However, there are many things up in the air. I learned today that I might be able to change insurance without the pregnancy being considered a pre-existing condition. That just makes the move seem more real. More imminent. Like it REALLY could happen.

The only problem is, well, besides getting back HOME, it would be a big step down for us. We wouldn’t be able to get a house again. We just …

Gross!

Thursday, January 29th, 2004

And now, my friends, another reason why I don’t eat seafood.

I’m sticking up for her!

Wednesday, January 28th, 2004

Okay, so yesterday I saw the TV show “living it up with Ali and jack.” let me just first say, that show sucks. Those people seem like they are on a Regis parody show or something. Really. But anyway, Paula Abdul was on and seemed about as thrilled to be there as she would be getting a pap smear.

So, now the gossip columnists are all talking about said appearance. Even though she DID seemed a little drugged….I’m going to stick up for her.

Have you seen this show? IT SUCKS. Ali is annoying. Majorly. And what did they do during the interview? They kept on bringing audience members out to sing for her. Like, she’s supposed to give …

I knew there was something up!

Tuesday, January 27th, 2004

In honor of the Fetus, which has let me lean my head over the toilet a good 3 times by noon today, today is Officially Thomas Crapper Day.

Bulemics of the world, Unite.

Driving in a winter wonderland!

Monday, January 26th, 2004

Ah, yes. A nice little winter storm came through yesterday and is still kicking us in the nuts today. But, of course, I have to go to work because I am Super Reporter. Woo freaking hoo.

But anyway. This weekend, I got a package in the mail from my Mom. It had a Halloween and Christmas outfit for The Fetus. Shirt and undies for me. And two dolls. You see, one of the dolls/toys was okay. It was Eeyore. It was the second one that scared the beejezus out of me. It reminded me of that clown from the movie Poltereist.

Okay, so yesterday, we caught our Evil Dopey doll outside, sneaking around my truck. It seems as if HE is …

And this is surprising because….

Friday, January 23rd, 2004

I’m not sure whether to announce Halleujiah! (which I can’t spell) or just say “Come on, we’ve known it’s over for awhile now.”

Either way, I’m happy to report that the whole Bennifer whatever shiznit is over….

…But a funny story about that….

Last night, while enjoying our final few hours of cable before it got disconnected, I turn on CNN to hear some very sad music. I’m like “Woah, what’s up? Who died?”

The hubs, being the confused boy that he is, says…

“Oh, that Brad and Jen….”

I think Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are DEAD?

“Oh…that Ben and Jen broke up.” And then I find out the music is for some dead old dancer who nobody knows who …

The daily ramble

Thursday, January 22nd, 2004

I got to work late and haven’t found any funny news stories yet, so you just get my rambling for now. YEAH!

I had one of “those days” again yesterday, where the fetus is obviously mad at me and wants me to keep in no food. I’m not going to grumble about it, but I’ll tell you our new plan to combat that: It’s called the “Eat as many calories as possible so maybe a few will stay down” plan. So, last night I had a steak, baked potato, salad and then went to TCBY for a little after dinner snack. All except for the steak made a second appearance, but it was surely yum on the way down!

While at …

happy news!

Wednesday, January 21st, 2004

I just found out that (most likely) our wedding is going to be featured in the July/August issue of Bridal Guide magazine! How fun!

Does this make me a cool mom?

Wednesday, January 21st, 2004

I would be more than happy to let my middle-schooler go to a school where they had a gay-straight alliance. I’d be supportive if they wanted to join, too.

Big changes ahead…

Tuesday, January 20th, 2004

George Bush, 2000

George Bush, 2004

Rep, Dem or Indp….you have to admit that this man has had a rough Presidency. Just look at that hair color!

Presidential wonders…

Tuesday, January 20th, 2004

I’m going to share some random thoughts with you. Feel free to add your own.

Do people in states like Iowa ever feel used during primary time? I mean, it’s all about Iowa to the democrats until the election is over. then it’s onto New Hampshire. Iowa? Who cares about Iowa anymore? I think that if I lived in Iowa, I’d feel like a 2 cent hooker right about now.

What do you think is the best part of being president? I mean, all these people want to be the guy in charge. Personally, I’m voting on never having to wait in traffic and being able to get anything (esp. food) at any time I want. That would rock.

I bet people who …

riding off into the sunset….

Thursday, January 15th, 2004

Okay, I won�t leave you high and dry. Here are a couple of places you can go for �news.� Gawker or Fark.

Blogs? Well, I recommend my real-life friend, Curly Girl who is sure to shock you. Or My host, Allison. Or James, who better come back from vacation soon or another preggo, Yvonne.

For real news?
USA TODAY Life section.
Drudge.
Fox News
NY Times
CNN
The Houston Chronicle.
E! Online.

I’ll probably be back around Tuesday. Miss me.

FYI: Mark your calendars!

Thursday, January 15th, 2004

This is a public service announcement from your friends at The Sarcastic Journalst:

Due to a recent influx of pregnancy hormones, a lack of vacation that doesn’t involve travelling anywhere, and a job that I would rather be outside washing cars then go to, I will be taking several days off.

To people at work, I will be coming down with a “mysterious” illness. To yous guys, my lazy ass is going to be at home not doing anything. That also goes for blogging. I’m not going to check any email, or read the news or send out query letters to people who will reject me.

I will, however, sleep in, go for a little walk or two, lay on the couch and …

fun times at the DMV

Thursday, January 15th, 2004

Ahh…Where do I begin? So yesterday, someone (hubby!) wanted me to go and return the license plate on his old car. Now, for some reason, he could not do this on his own and thought that I’d be a perfect candidate for driving my ass across town to do so. (I don’t understand, either. It’s some marriage thing I guess.) So, anyway, after some “Go do it!” emails, I leave my place of work and head towards the license plate office.

Well, I make it out about one minute when a nice little police officer pulls up behind me and turns on her lights. I’m nausious, tired and almost out of gas. GREAT.

So, I won’t go into the whole …

Ugg.

Wednesday, January 14th, 2004

Uncomfortable thing someone says to me in an interview number 2,4,567,853

“Would you like a headshot of me?”

Yeah that’s right. I’ll make you feel bad.

Tuesday, January 13th, 2004

So the girl who sent me yesterday’s nasty email replied with an apology. Yeah, that’s right. My email reply made her feel bad. GOOD. She’s lucky I was too tired to sign her email up with porn sites last night.

My email reply:

I’m sorry that you feel that way and you feel the need to go and write me a letter such as that one. Yes, I felt bad that Alyssa’s feelings were hurt, but the story was mainly about Alicia and how her life was impacted with the struggle of her son. Yes, I put John in there too, as he is Tommy’s father and was able to give good information on (other siblings) and how the disease works.

Putting my neck on the line

Friday, January 9th, 2004

It must be the snow. I’m in an exceptionally good mood today. So, I remembered what my news was from earlier that I meant to tell you about. I’m going to write a non-fiction book.

Remember the picture I posted of little Tommy back in November? The boy who died? Well, his story is coming out on Sunday and well, I’ve had the most positive responses I’ve ever had for a story. Ever. It’s really a wonderful story and I think I could see writing a non-fiction book about his and other children’s lives with these horrible diseases and what their parents go through to try and save them.

So, anyway. This is most likely a one time offer. I’m …

Oh the weather outside is frightful

Friday, January 9th, 2004

Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow! Woo hoo!

Okay, so yeah. Many exciting news today. First off, I just got a call from Pam, I bet the most of you mommies will recognize her book. I’m going to interview her this afternoon about baby names! Second, it’s snowing! Third, the hubs started painting the baby’s room last night. Right now we just primed it back to white. (When I say we, I mean he).

Okay, maybe I didn’t have as exciting news as I thought. Oh well….more later!

he must get the hint soon

Thursday, January 8th, 2004

More fun with email! Today, fumblenuts couldn’t stop laughing and saying “I can’t believe I’m doing this.” Here are the emails that followed between me and Bookhoarder.

BH: OK, the random laughing is getting on my nerves.

SJ: no, no. it’s not random. he “can’t believe he’s doing this.” yeah, i think the same thing every day i come to work and am able to make it through the day without throwing something.

BH: In my little meeting with BOSSMAN, he said that at least three people said they had major concerns with him. I know I did and you did, but who else met with him that day?

SJ:ohhhh….the plot thickens. basically i said “the guy is driving me nuts. i can’t …

Where do they come up with this stuff?

Wednesday, January 7th, 2004

This week’s fun job? Exchanging emails with David Copperfield. Yes, The David Copperfield, as in the guy who boinked Claudia Schiffer, but never got her ass down the isle.

This shall be interesting…

Wow, what a promotion!

Tuesday, January 6th, 2004

My boss and I had a “meeting” today. Actually, any time he says he wants to see me, I get scared. Actually, the one time I didn’t get scared, I got written up. What’s up with that shit?

So anyway, I’m like “am i in trouble?” and he says “Why do you always think like that? You’re not in trouble.”

It turns out we all have to have “specialites” now. I have been assigned style/shopping/pop culture. At first, I was like, style? But then I found out that meant I got to go to the mall and look at clothes.

Rock on. It’s not that hard to figure out why I got the gig. I mean, go look at my description of my …

Insert whiny sound here

Monday, January 5th, 2004

So, I’m trying to come up with some freelance writing jobs. I really need freelance writing jobs, because my husband has managed to scare the bejesus out of me by stating we will be poor (as in totally destitute) when I take my lovely unpaid maternity leave.

The deal is, I have no problemos writing and coming up with stuff for my job. I get paid to do it. My ideas are not going to get shot down here. But, to do it and come up with ideas and send them to someone I don’t know who may or may not even bother to respond?

Sounds like I need some tums. Or alcohol. Or at least a bunch of Tylenol. I’m trying …

SJ, this is your life.

Monday, January 5th, 2004

Oh. My. Gosh This is my work life.

It’s book reviews by 8-year-olds. I’m dead serious, I used to be in charge of this for the paper. I think I sitll am, but I’m slacking off and am dealing more with teens, who write about as equally as crappy as these kids.

I’m embarrassed that I’ve placed some of this shiznit in the paper. Hmph. Oh well.

I bet Santa gave him coal.

Friday, January 2nd, 2004

I hope you had a Merry Christmas! Now, here are the legs of your dead ex-husband hanging from your ceiling in an obvious attempt to break into your house through your AC unit to greet you!

Here’s one for the new year

Wednesday, December 31st, 2003

I’m not one for New Years Resolutions. But, I think I might make an exception this year and have some. So, here for your reading pleasure, are SJ’s resolutions for the Year 2004. What’s yours???

I will….

1. Give birth to a baby this summer.
2. Change more dirty diapers than I knew was humanly possible.
3. Continue making fun of everyone I come in contact with, and even those I don’t.
4. Try not to be AS HORRIBLE an employee as I am now.
5. Gain weight until it looks like I’m smuggling a very large basketball.
6. Get a YMCA membership. (I meant to do this in 2003. Man, I’m behind.)
7. Continue blogging on a daily basis and, most likely, continue offending people.
8. …

Year in review

Tuesday, December 30th, 2003

You may not know this, but I hate the media “Year in Review” crapola. Seriously. But, for some reason, I’ve been finding Some Bloggers year in reviews a lot better. So, my friends, here is mine for 2003. Hopefully I can get done with it all before my chicken fried chicken and mashed potatoes are ready to eat.

Jan. 2003- the hubs and I start talking about buying a place to live. Our original idea? A condo that cost about $60K.

Feb. 2003- after looking at exactly 2 houses, the hubs and I decide to become homeowners. The actual price we pay for a house? $135K.

March 2003- After writing stories on other blogs, I start my …

Hey and hi.

Sunday, December 21st, 2003

I will be going out of town for a week tomorrow (on Monday.) I’m going to TRY to post, but you know, I’ll be in Beaumont, TX and the fun just might be too much. But, until then, those of you who know my personal site/blog know that there’s a new big ass belly entry on there.

Spreading holiday cheer

Friday, December 19th, 2003

You know, I have “secret” ways of causing malintent in my office. Like, just now I turned in a little Christmas present to myself. My expense account. $168.13, please.

Also, when people come in to interview for jobs, i try to give them “Don’t do it!” looks. If people (interns) ask me (which some have, though I think the corner office dwellers try to keep people away from me) I’ll tell them the truth. “This place sucks. Go somewhere else if you can but if you must stay here, at least have fun with it.”

Cough, cough

Friday, December 19th, 2003

So, continuing on with my random nonsense, here’s a website that will tell you how much pollutants are in your area. Scary.

So, for your reading pleasure:
JEFFERSON COUNTY, TX (FIRST 10 YEARS OF MY LIFE, FAMILY STILL LIVES THERE)
1. In 2001, this county ranked among the dirtiest/worst 10% of all counties in the U.S. in terms of water releases of recognized reproductive toxicants
2. this county ranked among the dirtiest/worst 10% of all counties in the US in terms of noncancer hazards from hazardous air pollutants.
244,593 people in JEFFERSON County face a cancer risk more than 100 times the goal set by the Clean Air Act.

MONTGOMERY COUNTY, TX (NEXT 11 YEARS OF MY LIFE)
1. In 2001, this county ranked …

my artery clogging day of fun

Friday, December 19th, 2003

Good grief. Seems as if I’m the only person out in the blogosphere today. What’s up with that?

So, I’m going to tell myself about Sunday’s plans! Wake up late. Eat pancakes with tons of syrup. Go see Lord of the Rings (and have to pee about 10 times during the movie.) Go eat burritos at my favorite place. do something else. Eat pizza for dinner.

Sounds like a winner to me!

Ha! Mr. Weatherman!

Friday, December 19th, 2003

I guess I won’t be seeing a white Christmas in Beaumont, Texas– where the high (If I’m correct) on the big day will be in the 60s.

But, you can go here and see your chances.

However, that can be wrong. Last year, in Tulsa, OK, we had a White Christmas (my first!) and it supposondly only has a 0-25% chance.

Woo hoo!

Wednesday, December 17th, 2003

Fa ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra!

I think I won’t reply on this one…

Wednesday, December 17th, 2003

Now, here’s an interesting work related question. A mutual work contact (does the movie screenings here) just emailed me and asked me about Book Hoarder. (a coworker i’m not fond of) and if she had her baby yet.

“She looked very uncomfortable when I last saw her (think it was at a TUSCAN SUN screening).”

Well, she’s not pregnant. She’s just overweight. And… If she looked uncomfortable, it was probably because of the big stick up her ass.

These are a few of my favorite things

Tuesday, December 16th, 2003

Stolen from my friend CurlyGirl.

My favorite things!

1. Snuggling next to the hubs in the middle of the night.
2. Long, hot showers.
3. White chocolate mochas.
4. Pappasitos restaurant in Houston’s fajitas.
5. Pudding
6. Running in cold weather.
7. Colorful Christmas trees.
8. Decorating
9. A cheese pizza.
10. Stepping off an airplane and seeing someone you haven’t seen in awhile.
11. That feeling you get right before travelling.
12. Kissing the hubs.
13. Fall foilage.
14. Smiling babies.
15. Buying gifts for my hubby. (he’s involved with many of my favorites)
16. Reading a really good book.
17. Baking
1

ho ho ho

Friday, December 12th, 2003

Today I had to go to the mall and find people to talk to. I hate having to do this. I�m supposed to ask people about what they leave out for Christmas so I go to see the people standing in line for Santa. All people with babies. So, I start walking through the mall, looking for potential victims. I feel like a child molester.

You see, I�m not very intimidating looking, but still, I feel retarded doing this. I�m all like �Hey, please talk to me so I can hurry up and go home.� Seriously, I�ve used that excuse. If they say �no,� I explain how I�m going to have to be there all afternoon until someone will just tell …

Know we know how Rudolph’s nose got so red

Friday, December 12th, 2003

I guess they have Christmas earlier on the Sun.

Shoulda woulda coulda but not anymore

Friday, December 12th, 2003

You know what? I should have been an academic.

Who are these people?

Thursday, December 11th, 2003

The company-wide memo fairy strikes again!

“Reading materials taken into the bathrooms should be removed upon departure. Signs have been placed in the bathrooms requesting cooperation on this matter. Too often stalls are littered with newspapers, magazines, etc and become a health risk, as are fixtures that are not flushed after use.”

definately worth a look

Thursday, December 11th, 2003

Were you raised by a pack of wild wolves?

No, actually, it was monkeys.

Wah wah wah

Thursday, December 11th, 2003

Today’s another slow day. Nothing even on the internet to make fun of….yet

Insert “Sloop John B” song here

Wednesday, December 10th, 2003

You know what? I wanna move home. My husband could get a job in the private sector doing EXACTLY what he’s doing now (but probably making more) and I could go and be a teacher in a GREAT school district.

We could be closer to all of our families (1.5 hours from my Dad, 8 from his parents and well, we’d still have to fly to see my Mom). We’d be closer to friends. We’d live in a nice community with hardly any crime that keeps getting better and better and better. Because, now, with a kid, I want it to live in the kind of environment I grew up in. A good, safe enviornment with fun schools.

My “mean” …

My little plea

Wednesday, December 10th, 2003

This is totally off topic, but I think this is very approperiate for the stories I’m working on right now. Remember Tommy the little boy I wrote about who died?

Well, I’m finishing up my article on him and am now starting relevent articles on cord blood transplants. I know that there are plenty of people out there who are pregnant and I’d like to let you know that you can donate your baby’s cord blood to save someone’s life. I’m always trying to get people to do this and they just don’t seem to care. This is really important. Please read the link and think about donating. I am!

homer simpson would be proud

Tuesday, December 9th, 2003

Some kids are just so lucky.

“Today, in order to maintain his blood pressure at a constant level, the boy needs to take 10 pills to increase his pressure and eat several plates of toasted bread, pizza, burgers, fries, beans, mayonnaise, and tea with chocolate waffles. In order to increase the boy’s chance of successful treatment, he was also prescribed beer. In other words, he can eat whatever he wants and whenever without any limitations”

This 14-year-old is forced to eat a diet of junk food and beer in order to live. Um, all I ever got was meningitis and bronchitis. What�s up with that?

Who needs that when you have this?

Tuesday, December 9th, 2003

So for all of yous who watched Average Joe on TV, the stupid blonde chick picked the “good looking” 27-year-old who still lived at home with his parents.

Well, you know what? Who needs a “model-type” person when you can have your very own beautiful best friend to sleep next to every night?

In your arms I can still feel the way you
want me when you hold me
I can still hear the words you whispered
when you told me
I can stay right here forever in your arms

And there ain’t no way –
I’m lettin’ you go now
And there ain’t no way –
and there ain’t not how
I’ll never see that day….

‘Cause I’m keeping you
forever and for always
We will be together all …

There’s one contest I’d not like to win

Monday, December 8th, 2003

Don’t say you never won anything…..

A Chinese woman has won the country’s Miss Ugly competition – earning herself thousands of pounds of plastic surgery.

Fifty facially-challenged women entered the contest, lured by the prize of $16,500 of surgery.

Zhang Di (search), 26, was judged to have the face that most needed the attentions of a surgeon, China’s Sunday Morning Post reported.

The manager of the plastic surgery center that will treat her has promised to make her a totally different girl within two weeks, the paper said.

The contest comes ahead of the Miss World (search) competition, which is being hosted by China.

The event will be held on Dec. 6 on Hainan Island.

2 for 1 deals?

Monday, December 8th, 2003

I’m very sad that I missed Paris Hilton on SNL this weekend. I had heard she was going to be on (well, we media sluts do know these types of things) but I forgot with all the fun of the hippy at our house.

FEY: Paris Hilton’s name has been on everyone’s lips these past few weeks. Here now in an exclusive interview with Jimmy Fallon is Paris Hilton.
FALLON: Thanks for coming on. As we agreed, we won’t be discussing the scandal that’s been in the papers these past couple weeks. We just want to find out about you, Paris Hilton. So, you’re family, the Hiltons, own hotels all over the world, right?
PARIS HILTON: …

Guys don’t like funny girls

Sunday, December 7th, 2003

In case you haven’t noticed, I usually don’t post on weekends. Why? Because I spend my entire workday at a computer and just feel like I should TRY to have some sort of a life on the weekends. But, it’s 130am, and I’m watching the Justice League cartoon with my husband and his friend. And they’re really into it. Really really into it.

So I guess my life isn’t that exciting. Chris, the friend, invited a girl along with us tonight for our out to eat adventure. He hadn’t met her, saw her online at yahoo personals. She had to talk to me on the phone so I’d convince her that he wouldn’t try to touch her boobies.

Turns out …

What you really wanna see

Thursday, December 4th, 2003

This is where all the action happens.

Life’s a beach for Nunzilla.

No SJ! Don’t bang your head, SJ!

My 300th entry!

Thursday, December 4th, 2003

Do I see famous nipple???

(Image deleted due to weird spambots.)

school daze

Thursday, December 4th, 2003

This morning, I got to go to career day at a local middle school and tell them about journalism. I had a blast.

You know that kid who keeps muttering under his breath and when you ask him what he�s talking about he says �Nothing.�
I say to this kid��What�s your name.�
�William.�
�Will?�
�No. William.�
�Okay, Slick Willie.� And then I kept talking about him. I had a lot of fun. Well, with the first group I did. The second, only 7 kids were in there and they didn�t understand the concept of conversation.

Knowing me, I got off subject about a thousand times, but it was fun. And, I didn�t end up getting to work until Noon. Yeah!

(Insert deliverance theme here)

Thursday, December 4th, 2003

Only 16 miles from my house is the country. How exciting.

Colder than a witches titty

Thursday, December 4th, 2003

The morning ice/sleet/rain that greeted my truck this morning.

Foooddd

Wednesday, December 3rd, 2003

It is very, very important for us to keep a nice, tidy fridge. Can’tcha tell?

The beginning of my blog day

Wednesday, December 3rd, 2003

Going for a walk….

Everyone’s doing it!

Wednesday, December 3rd, 2003

I�m going to do something cool very, very soon. I am going to bring the digital camera around for a day and make a �Day in the life of� entry. You should do it too!

Everything will be there: My desk, what�s actually on my computer screen, my cool ass painted living room— even the inside of my truck! Be there, or be a dork.

advice is needed.

Wednesday, December 3rd, 2003

�It might be a quarter life crisis. Or just the stirring in my soul.�

I still haven�t figured out what to do about my job. Literally, the thought haunts me every morning as I get ready for work. What am I going to do? Some mornings, like this one, I wake up and say, �I�ll stick it out until the baby is born. That way I can keep my kick ass insurance and save up some money. After the kiddie is here, I�ll quit.� And then, once I get here and sit down at my desk, that horrible sinking feeling comes over me, that feeling I get every night when I realize where I have to go in the morning. I�m …

Wowing the lady voters

Tuesday, December 2nd, 2003

I stole this pic from Allison. Thanks for the fun!

Funny that his name is DICK Gebhardt, isn’t it?

The Sarcastic Fetus

Tuesday, December 2nd, 2003

My little fetus is such a joiner. It’s over at Buzz’s today, being a guest blogger. Now I’m assuming it’s probably going to want it’s own damn blog, too. Geesh.

Insert witty remark here

Monday, December 1st, 2003

Hey everyone! We did, indeed, brave the crowds this weekend and I�m proud to say that we actually have almost ALL of our Christmas shopping done. I do wonder, however, why it seems to take an act of God to get these salespeople to print out more than one gift receipt. I mean, are we the first people EVER to go and buy two gifts for two different people at the same time? Has that never happened before? You would think so by the way these people look at you when you say �I need two gift receipts, please.� It�s like I have horns growing out of my head. (By the way, they�re not horns it�s just my hair sticking …

Nightmares for a week!

Friday, November 28th, 2003

Want a good BS laugh but don’t know where to find it? Go here and look at the picture on the left of the body and the eye. Isn’t it freaky???

Think they’re registered at Target?

Friday, November 28th, 2003

Sorry all you golf groupies. Mr. Woods is gettin’ hitched!

Ummm….turkey

Friday, November 28th, 2003

Happy day after Thanksgiving, people. I bet a lot of yous are at home, enjoying the leftover turkey and are busy finishing off the cherry pie. I�m at work. Again. And I think I�m going to throw up.
I�ll tell you, the thought of having to come in today was a real downer to my turkey day. I have NOTHING TO DO. Seriously, I�m going to fill out a teaching application eventually.

Thanksgiving was good. We had plenty of food (2 turkeys for 5 people) and somehow ended up with 3 pumpkin pies (I HATE pumpkin pie) 1 cherry pie, one pudding pie, 1 pecan pie� oh the food was great. I can�t wait to go home and …

Turkey is approaching

Wednesday, November 26th, 2003

What a difference a year makes. One year ago tomorrow, the hubby and I sat alone in our 1-bedroom apartment, eating chinese food from the only place open in town. We didn�t know anyone, were homesick and plain out bored. One year later, plus 1 colonoscopy, 1 surgery and 1 CT scan later, a pregnant SJ and her hubby will celebrate thanksgiving with friends in their own 3-bedroom house. They will have turkey and all the trimmings. They will remember the year before and what that felt like and be truly thankful.

Never fun. Always sad.

Tuesday, November 25th, 2003

Hi everyone. I’m here. I don’t know, guess I don’t have much to say right now.

I just found out that a little boy I’ve been following for a story died this morning, so I’m a little sad. On top of that, I’m a little pukey. So, that’s about all. I’ll probably post more later.

Anyone need a babysitter?

Friday, November 21st, 2003

It’s a sick world, afterall…..

Turns out everyone’s favorite idiot, Michael Jackson, has a secret children’s room in his house.

Excerpts:

“The 45-year-old’s covert cubbyhole is a twisted version of a child’s bedroom.

A bed is adorned with pillow cases imprinted with Peter Pan’s face and the word Neverland. Sitting on the bed is a red-headed, bug-eyed stuffed doll, and on a nightstand next to the bed is a Mickey Mouse telephone.

Also next to the bed is a square console that appears to be either a radio or some sort of control terminal.

On the walls are framed pictures of smiling diapered babies, which the TV show said were not Jackson’s children.”

Pull out your party hats, I’m 24 today.

Thursday, November 20th, 2003

Duh na na na na na na na Today is my Birthday. Happy birthday to me! I�m back at work after a nice night of envisioning saying or doing mean things to those I work with. Of course, I won�t, but it is still fun to think it. I also celebrated this morning by coming to work and throwing up. Actually I threw up here 4 times this morning. It�s a record. Plus the 3 or 4 times at home. So basically, I feel like crap.

But, anyway. I didn�t exactly have a good night last night. Sometimes its very hard for me to take my own advice, though what everyone else tells me is probably right as well. The more …

It’s starting…

Wednesday, November 19th, 2003

Friends, romans, blogreaders, lend me your ears. I have come to bury my work, not to praise it. This morning seemed decent enough. Besides getting completely soaked in the rain and throwing up all I ate for breakfast, I had a mocha peppermint frapp in hand and a good outlook for the day. I even had a fun list in my head to put up on my blog.

All that changed within 2 minutes of getting to work. I was called into a conference room for what I was hoping was a brainstorming session. I brought my frapp and a pen and paper. My boss had a very formal piece of paper that he kept looking at. It didn�t take long …

I rule.

Tuesday, November 18th, 2003

SJ meets President Carter in person. (Hopefully, a picture will be coming soon.) Transcript of our quick convo that was on my tape recorder. (Note: This is during a press conference, where I was just one face in the media crowd.)

ME: “Mr. President, you told me last week that you would–”

HIM: (Interrupting) “Hello! Good to see you! You promised you would come meet me!” (Walks over and shakes my hand.) “I’m delighted to see you personally.”

ME: “You told me last week that you would consider writing another fiction book on how well this book did….” blah blah.

Then, might I add, I got him to break rank, come over to me and take my book and personally sign it:

“To SJ, …

wishing and hoping and thinking and praying

Monday, November 17th, 2003

My Christmas (or burfday– THIS THURSDAY!) wish list:

1. To stop feeling sick.
2. For food to sound good again.
3. To be allowed to do lateral-entry teaching to 5th grade (they only let you do 6th and up here.)
4. To get an agent who loves my book.
5. Did I mention wishing food sounded good again??
6. To give a rats ass about my job (doubt that’s going to happen.)

What’s yours???

Captions, anyone?

Monday, November 17th, 2003

Public Service Announcement

Monday, November 17th, 2003

fYI: We here at the Javamama Corp. had some problems with our site this weekend. That’s why both of us have lost about 1 weeks worth of posts.

You didn’t get to read it, you say? Well TOUGH. You should be checking this damn site every 10 seconds.

The pregnant chick is delirious

Tuesday, November 4th, 2003

FYI– I’m at work. Haven’t done jack shiznit. I’m on hour 11 right now.

So, I’ve been sending off queries tonight to agents. But, that’s not the important thing. It seems as if Madonna is trying to convert Missy Elliott to join the red braclet Nazi types who like the Kaballah.

Who isn’t she trying to convert these days? HELLOOOOO. So, your life doesn’t have any meaning. Don’t go and try to throw a good ol’ baptist girls life off. I think Missy is doing just fine, thank you.

dork alert (warning: it’s me!)

Tuesday, November 4th, 2003

I am in the mood to be dorky. I just HAVE to share with you this recipe we found and have eaten two nights in a row!

http://www.recipegoldmine.com/ccC/c217.htm

If you ever eat at Chilis, its their southwestern eggrolls. Okay, well don’t make it into an eggroll (because that frying crap just doesnt work) but instead, get some small baked potatoes and turn it into a southwestern baked potato. just put the crap on it and then put some of the dip on top and mix it.

Okay, seriously. I will try not to be this dorky again, but damn, this is good shiznit! It feeds about 2 people perefectly, so make it for you and the spouse and let the kids fend for …

the monday update

Monday, November 3rd, 2003

Who knew growing a bunch of cells in your belly could be so TIRING?

Unfortunately, I’ve found out how much it is. The weekend here was good. We hid from trick or treaters on Friday (none even rung our bell)– okay, before you lecture me, let me explain: All the kids in our neighborhood are babies. The only trick or treaters coming would be from the ghetto projects in the next neighborhood, the same kids who don’t go to school and who I can hear yelling at all times of the day. I dont like handing out the candy and didnt feel like having my tires slashed. Or my house egged. So I hid. And it worked.

But, anyway. I’m trying to …

self entertainment can be detramental to your job

Friday, October 31st, 2003

When did I become such a bad worker? Oh wait, I’ve always been one :)

I haven’t done ANYTHING today. Don’t even WANT TO do anything, either. Someone (with a lack of good social skills, i might add) brought in some catered food. i was craving something with oregeno or whatnot on it (what does that even taste like?) and he had some pasta thingie with oregno or parsley or something. so yum.

yesterday i got macarnoi and cheese, i just had to have it for dinner. the weeks before its been coffee and chocolate. i might need to start craving tofu or some crapola like that. so, in my attempts to do nothing all day, i went to barnes & …

My future…

Thursday, October 30th, 2003

My friend had her baby!

This will be me in eight to nine months….

A new beginning

Thursday, October 30th, 2003

When I was a senior in high school, my Mom sold our house though we didn’t have anywhere to move. You see, we were out of $$ and couldn’t afford to live in our city. Well, one day before church, my Mom said “oh God will handle this.” and I said “God doesn’t care about us and this stupid house. We’ll be homeless.”

When we got back from church, there was a message on the machine saying that we were accepted to be house sitters, meaning we’d live in a normal 2,000+ sq ft house and pay $500 a month rent. So, I learned the meaning of things happening for a reason and trusting God.

Though I’m struggling a little right …

Some people are scared of clowns

Thursday, October 30th, 2003

You know how sometimes you think of something for a minut (is that how you spell it) second and then you dream about it?

I can only hope I don’t dream about this tonight. I don’t like nightmares.

No fun.

Wednesday, October 29th, 2003

I have bad news.

My husband just got laid off. He has a month left at work. Considering the testing I’m going through today, this probably isn’t a good thing. Hopefully, something else will pop up for him soon.

They sucked my blood

Wednesday, October 29th, 2003

I just got back from the World Most Painful Blood Draw. Ever. Really.

I lay my hand downwards, squeezed the little squeezy ball, drank tons of water and even had a warm compess on my hand. I still ended up with two needles going into my hand simoatniously (can’t spell worth crap today) with the hope of striking gold. It finally did and I can say now that my blood will be on its way to a lab tonight.

I will know the “answer” by tomorrow, hopefully. Some of yous knows what that means. Some of yous don’t. Either way, I’m hoping to divulge more info into why I was throwing up in the shower this morning very soon. Isn’t that yucky? …

I’m baaaack!

Tuesday, October 28th, 2003

The Sarcastic Journalist takes Albuquerque!

fun at the doctors

Friday, October 24th, 2003

Just in time for your weekend, it’s my medical update!!!

Went to the doc. We still don’t know whats wrong with me. Why? Because I have such bad veins that after several attempts at drawing blood NOTHING came out. NOTHING at all. Not a drop.

So I have to drink lots of waters and juices or milks this weekend and come back when I get home from Albuquerque with big veins. They still won’t be big. Every person who draws blood or gives me an IV (that’s been A LOT this year) says I have HORRIBLE veins.

Wanna read my movie review?

Friday, October 24th, 2003

Those bastards! They never understand my funny movie reviews! They always get chopped!

Here’s what made it in the paper:

“Every once in a while, a movie comes along that is just so different it leaves even the most opinionated movie reviewer scratching her head. That movie is “Wonderland,” a disturbing movie with some fine acting.

“Wonderland,” you say. “That sounds nice and happy. Like a film version of that game Candyland.” Not quite. “Wonderland” tells the grisly story of a guy named John Holmes in 1981 Los Angeles.

That is John Holmes, the porn star.

Val Kilmer ("At First Sight") plays Holmes, star of such classics like “Passion Pit” and “Big Melons 13.”

and now, what they left out.
�John …

Food, get in my belly

Thursday, October 23rd, 2003

Since it’s a nice 58 degrees today, I was thinking that maybe I’d make some chili tonight for dinner. (Gasp! She cooks!) Okay. From a can. I only bake, try not to cook. but, the chili has to be beanless.

No I’m not a vegetarian. I’m just picky.

Por ejemplo:
1. I like bananas, but not on food. No banana split or puddings.
2. I hate nuts but I like salted airline peanuts. I will not eat something if a nut touches it (as in a dish).
3. I hate seafood but eat tuna.
4. I like oranges, but not orange flavored anything.
5. I like beans, but not in Chili.
6. I’m not much of a yogurt eater, but I’ll eat …

He’s so vain, he probably thinks this blog is about him

Thursday, October 23rd, 2003

Okay people. As usual, we’re wasting some time here, so I want you to help me. Who does Clay Aiken (ack…gag….) resemble more….

A FRAGGLE

or a MUPPET?

Sing alongs rule!

Wednesday, October 22nd, 2003

“It’s the most wonderful time…of the year….”

(EVERYBODY SING!)

We’ve got to go home…
not to talk on the phone…
on Christ-mas!!!!

It’s the most wonderful time of the yeeeeeearr!
I have no plane tickets
And no holidaayyys
That my work will give me
while keeping the payyy

It’s the most wonderful time, of the year!
$203 a person
now that’s quite a steal
but i can’t look at my bank account
or I will feel ill
cause the hubs bought a car
and that took the dough
we would have used to go
to the land of no snooooowwwww

It’s the most wonderful time, of
the
yearrrrrrrr!!!

How did they know?

Wednesday, October 22nd, 2003

Okie dokie. I just took this quiz that says what my real name should be.

And darn it, the name it tells me should be my name REALLY is my name. So, I can’t put the answer on here.

“BLAH BLAH - Your real name should be BLAH BLAH. People with the name BLAH BLAH are usually very opinionated, artistic, and love good music. You are very lucky you got this name. Congrats, you’re cool.”

think that’s true??

Wed nes day

Wednesday, October 22nd, 2003

So, I’ve already had a very interesting day! First off, I woke up ON TIME and got to work at 8am. That’s amazing! I’m back to my old schedule!

Then, I come to work, pull out the paper, and THERE IT IS. My story. Front page. Main story, you know, the one with the picture accompanying it? My story is more important than the partial-birth abortion law. More important than parkinsons. (Pats self on back.) That makes me happy.

In other news, the hubs might be sick. I know he feels bad, but in typical hubs form, he’s determined to go to work. Such the exact opposite of me. If I even feel a sniffle I’m like “Oh, too sick. Must …

calling all friends…

Wednesday, October 22nd, 2003

Hey all you friends lovers…. did ya hear the news?

Courtney Cox is (most likely) pregnant. So, how about we all chip in for a gift, eh? I was thinking…maybe…. this cute little bed. At $39K, it’s a steal!

yadda yadda yadda

Tuesday, October 21st, 2003

So, here’s your daily update into the mundane happenings of my day to day life.

1. I went to the doc today and found that I haven’t gained weight, no matter how much I worry about it. Still 5′5. Still 133. Not too bad considering I’m 23years and 11 months. I also have an excellent pulse and blood pressure.

2. I’m on a new chemical now. Supposed to take away all the bad side effects of the other chemicals I’m on. So I take a chemical to fix the chemical. Basically I’m trying to get back to normal, without the whole stress/anxiety/crying/pissed off issues.

3. Fumblenuts is STILL an idiot. He just identified our state’s location in a phone call– as in …

you want it? You got it!

Monday, October 20th, 2003

Again, I’m here to bring you the ways to contact the people in the news….

Here’s the email address for that retarded kid who put the knives on planes! NAT@AJHEATWOLE.COM

weird thought of the day

Monday, October 20th, 2003

Okaaay, so you people may think I’m nutso, but I’ll tell you this anyway.

I’ve been working on a story about a family who have 3 children with a rare metabolic disorder. All 3 will die by the age of 12, most likely. No one in the parents families had this disease and they didn’t find out they were carriers until the third pregnancy.

Anyway, I’m thinking about getting genetic testing/counseling. You’re like “HUH? What SJ?” In the small case that one day I do have children, I want to know that I’m not walking around, carrying some disease that’s going to make their head fall off when they sneeze or something.

I’m not sure how this works. Would I just go …

OH NOOOOOO

Friday, October 17th, 2003

In case you are wondering (and I bet you aren’t) it is 8:30 on Friday night and my little butt is still at work. I’m starting to think I’m never going home. I’m about to hit hour 12 for today….

Darn it! Where is she?

Friday, October 17th, 2003

I have to be very careful about what I write on here. I was going to tell you why I may not be at the ‘puter much today, but then I googled the reason and well, it basically said where I’m at. Does that make any sense? If you’re as googley as me, you’d figure out in one minute that SJ lives in a certain place.

And, isn’t the anonymity part of the fun? so, I’m off to the hospital to interview this family for the billionth time (I’m following them as their child gets bone marrow/stem cell transplant) and then I’m off to the place I can’t tell you about. So, miss me. I’ll probably be back and tell you …

Quick bloggy blog

Thursday, October 16th, 2003

Sorry I’ve been MIA today. I’m SUPER busy, busy,busy but wanted to share a little tidbit that may make you laugh as much as it made me when I thought about it.

I went to see the movie “wonderland” for review today. I’m not going to go into the movie, but I found myself thinking about the dumbest things. Like, when I see a professional review it is all “The allegories between the couch and the chair and then the repoitre of the alligator conjures up an illusion to make the viewer feel as if he is fanatical.”

What I think during movies and i’d like to put in my reviews (and sometimes do)? “Lisa Kudrow has a double chin. That rocks.” …

Punch my buttons

Wednesday, October 15th, 2003

Sometimes, I’m sitting at work and I begin to feel a little, oh how do you say it, SAUCY?

Sometimes I see a number and just Have. To. Dial. It. Know Sam Waksal? Name not ring a bell? How about Martha Stewart and ImClone? Oh, yeah. THAT GUY.

Hmm. Well, it turns out that while in jail, he’s not checking his messages. Don’t believe me? Dial 212-777-3379, a number Martha herself probably dialed a few times. Listen to the message.

Oh, come on. You KNOW its the company phone. Just dial it. I did. And now, I’m just like

Please don’t take me to the ballgame

Wednesday, October 15th, 2003

Perhaps I missed the news conference, but…

It’s fall, right??? Why is there baseball on TV? I’ve been meaning to ask and I guess they’re in playoffs now? Isnt baseball a spring sport? I’m not really stupid, I just don’t pay attention to sports. Would someone please fill me in?

Isn’t she lovely??

Tuesday, October 14th, 2003

This is a picture of my little friend who is having a baby THIS MONTH!

Note to the hubs:

Tuesday, October 14th, 2003

See? I’m not just lazy. I’m predisposed to sleep late.

My list

Tuesday, October 14th, 2003

Please, for the love of God and all things good, don’t envy me.

I know it’s hard. I have waaay too much to do at work. Officially, I have about 18 stories I’m supposed to be working on. Yes, that’s two less than twenty. Now, out of the 18, I’m going to go and give 10 or so top priority as in, need to be done now. that’s not adding book reviews (gotta have Jimmy carter’s new book read by November, haven’t started it yet) plus books I’m in the midst of (gotta have them finished for time-wise) and coordinating the teen page (6 books to get them to review, plus stories they aren’t writing) I have PR people from RandomHouse …

Sheep happens

Monday, October 13th, 2003

Okaayyy….

I just had a weird conversation on the phone:

(ME) “Oh, hi, sorry I didn’t call you. Its just that you didn’t call me back and i got confused and well, I had to go in a field with sheep. Yup, that’s my job. Cookies and sheep. Oh, I’m so sorry again. Its just…sheep.”

Luckily this lady was really nice and understood that sheep happens. Oh ha! What a bad pun!

hee hee

Monday, October 13th, 2003

I’m seriously thinking about getting my mom this for Christmas.

I deduct that you are a weirdo…

Monday, October 13th, 2003

So I’m thinking about tax deductions. Why? Because I’m a dork.

I’m all for tax loopholes and not having to pay my part. :) So, my friends, did you know that you can deduct:

an abortion? A vasectomy? Birth control pills? Lead-based paint removal? gambling losses….

This rules.

She’s baaaaaack

Monday, October 13th, 2003

Mondays, ahh Mondays. This will be somewhat short because I have an interview in 45 minutes and I’m not prepared.

i get to work this morning and have a nice long, nasty, ranting, rude voice mail from DOG LADY. Yes. Its true. She’s back, she’s pissed because a photographer showed up at her place on friday instead of Monday. (I’m still not sure what happened, we had some weird computer problem here in our schedule.) Instead of saying “No, come back Monday” she went on to call and gripe at my voice mail, my boss and at Food Guy. I’m sure she gave the photographer an ear full. I must go apoligize to him today for making him deal with her …

La da dee, la da daa

Friday, October 10th, 2003

Okay, this is such a weird predicament I’m in right now.

Seems as if somehow, someone IN THE KNOW, has figured out that I tend to get a lot of overtime. Considering I get time and a half and I often average about 2 extra hours a week, well I’ve actually made more to date than my husband, who makes more than I do.

So, anyway. Last week my boss told me that when I hit 40 hours, I’m just supposed to stop what I’m doing and go home. Of course, there’s always exceptions to the rules. So, I’m hitting 40 hours in about 35 minutes. I don’t know if I’m supposed to go home, considering it’ll only be 1 something when …

HOLY MOSES!

Thursday, October 9th, 2003

I knew it would happen. Someone I actually “KNOW” is on a reality show.

I went to high school and college with this girl. Now I have to watch the show.

She’s tall skinny and beautiful and about to get a cool house. Must be hard, eh?

Pull out the candles

Wednesday, October 8th, 2003

Before I met the hubs, I’ll admit, I was totally infatuitated with Matt Damon.

Of course, I’m not NOW…but anyway, I noticed on USA TODAY that it is HIS BIRTHDAY!

So, happy 33 bday Matty, along with Darrell Hammond, Johnny Ramone, Jesse Jackson and Chevy Chase.

This is now the end of this useless piece of babble. You may continue on with your daily happenings.

what the heck?

Monday, October 6th, 2003

Alrighty, its time for the daily “Beardogg whines because she can” blog.

There’s something that Gets. My. Goose. about people who can become authors off of their blogs. Like, they blog, people decide they’re wonderful and then they write books. Okay, so mabe its more jealousy than getting aforementioned goose, but whatever. I digress.

So, Wil Wheaton is writing a book about a year in the life of his blog. Hmm, I wonder if he’ll mention the time that a friend of his almost got me fired because they tried to say I didn’t interview him when I did, and that I made up the comments and stole the rest from his website. Hee hee! It didn’t make his blog because ruining …

Very interesting…

Monday, October 6th, 2003

Perhaps it’s time for a career change?

Jane Magazine is hiring——

“Jane Magazine is seeking an Associate Editor to join its talented editorial staff. Responsibilities include pitching and writing various front of book column items, pitching and writing original well feature ideas, and reporting on entertainment and pop culture trends.”

Sounds like me….except I dont have 2 years of magazine experience. Only 1.5 years of newspaper experience. Hmm….I have a house and mortgage and husband with a job here. But I’d like to work there for a year.

Drink up

Saturday, October 4th, 2003

Ahh, I’ve been in a mood to upload some pics. So, for your daily entertainment, here’s what happens when SJ drinks ONE MARGARITA. ONE.

Notice the look on my friend’s face. She’s having a baby this month. I’ve desecrated a mother!

its a hairy world out there

Saturday, October 4th, 2003

So you people beg. You people plead. You send naked pictures of yourself. Okay, maybe not the last one.

HELP ME PICK A GOSH DARN NAME!

Friday, October 3rd, 2003

okie dokie, name blog again. which one do you like better or think works better?

Originally, the names for 3 of the 4 sisters in my book were:
Cassie, Emily and Tara. The Mom was Janie.

Decided maybe the women should be named in according to family tradition: Naming females after famous women.

So, I came up with:
Emily (Dickinson), Abby (Abigail Adams) and…. either…..

Cady (Elizabeth Cady Stanton) or Lucy (wife of a Dec of Indep. signer)

Hmm….so many choices. Does any of this make sense? Lucy/Cady is the youngest child, previous name Tara. Let me know what you think.

name game

Friday, October 3rd, 2003

Ok, I’ve been throwing around the ideas of changing the names of characters (well, not the main one) in my book.

I just can’t decide. How is it possible to make it so hard on myself to change a stinkin name?? I guess I’m worried that if i change it, i will get confused later on. Hmph. I dont know what to do.

boobies, anyone?

Friday, October 3rd, 2003

I went over to look at the boobie thon but then saw nipple. I’m at work so had to say “byebye” to that one. nips on my work puter arent good….

I thought about submitting a pic but I just couldn’t do it. I have okay boobs, I’m mean, I think they’re a little too big, ya know? 34DD or d, it just doesnt seem natural. Maybe I’ll drink and send a pic? Oh, its probably too late anyways.

EDITORS NOTE: I think I’m going to do it. I’m such a nudist and to show my boobs, in a bra or even covered up so someone will donate $$ to charity can’t be a bad thing. Ok! I’ve pumped myself …

I