Archive for the 'Baby Mama Drama' Category

Boobies in 15 minutes or less or your milk is free!

Saturday, February 4th, 2006

After weeks of complaining, I finally went out and got a haircut. Simple enough, but when your child only takes the tit, well, making the time to get a haircut seems kind of hard.

First, you have to make sure the baby is fed before you leave. Not just fed, but fed to content. That means you will spend the last 30 minutes at home saying “Eat! Eat! Eat!” to your sleeping infant.

I tried to feed him, but he didn’t have any interest in feeding whatsoever. Dave Chapelle was on Oprah and he kept laying in my lap saying “I’m Rick James, Bitch!”

Note to Sam: Please don’t say Bitch.

Of course, I was stupid enough to get to the salon early, only …

Double The Pleasure

Tuesday, January 31st, 2006

Today is The Hubs’ 27th birthday and I’m celebrating by sitting on the couch, drinking a “home made margarita” with my boobs.

My boobs, by the way, say hello.

We’ve never been really crazy people when it comes to going out. We didn’t do the club/bar scene in college. We’ve never had much of a nightlife unless you count trips to the ice cream store.

We did go out this afternoon for pizza. Not all four of us, Version 1.0 had to go to my Mom’s house because I actually wanted to enjoy my husband’s birthday dinner.

Happy birthday, honey! Let’s use a coupon!

Having two hasn’t been very hard so far, most likely because The Hubs is home from work and Sam is still …

The Fun Keeps Coming

Tuesday, January 31st, 2006

For the most part, I do not enjoy the talk of the “breastfeeding.” In fact, I do not like the talk of the breast as long as the word “breast” is used.

I prefer the talk of the “boob” or the “tit,” such as tonight, when I mumbled in front of my grandmother that “My tits hurt.”

And yes, it is true. My tits do hurt. Not just hurt, but feel like they’re constantly being electrocuted. I also have cracked nipples that stick to my bra. Why? Because of this weekend’s fun: Engorgement 2006!

Nobody should ever have size F boobs. Nobody. There’s something sick and wrong when you lay on your back and your girls face towards the sky like two silos. …

How Version 2.0 Was Created

Sunday, January 29th, 2006

I am back, in case you didn’t notice I was gone. And now? I have even BIGGER boobs, which suck, and um, another kid.

HOLY CRAP, I HAVE TWO CHILDREN.

I woke up at 6:30 on Tuesday morning with “stomach pains.” Okay, it was cramping. I didn’t think that I’d die or anything but they bothered me enough that I couldn’t sleep. So I lay in bed, staring at the wall, thinking “Hmm. I wonder if this is labor.”

Of course I didn’t think it was labor because, remember, I am not the type of person that has babies early. I am the type of person that gestates babies for 58 weeks and then has them pulled out by force. Early birthing is …

Version 2.0

Thursday, January 26th, 2006

As many of you already know, Sam was born on Tuesday, Jan. 24 at 9:50 p.m. Weighed 8 pounds, 6 ounces and was 20 inches long. Came EARLY at 38 weeks and boy I’m happy not to be pregnant anymore.

I just got home so I haven’t read any emails yet, but thanks for all the nice things I saw in the comments.

Edited to add: His first middle name is “Noe” after my grandpa. You pronounce it “No-E.”

The Sweetest Thing

Saturday, January 21st, 2006

Tonight, while I waited for my Unisom to kick in, Ellie woke up from her sleep, screaming. After laying her in our bed, I quited her down by singing Elton John songs.

Soon, she fell asleep and I found myself laying there, my toddler’s head touching mine. Then, slowly, her little hand reached up and placed itself on my cheek.

That, my friends, is why I do this. For those moments when I find myself basking in her sweetness.

Oddly enough, the majority of those moments come while she is asleep, but I’ll take what I can get.

The Post You All Knew Was Coming But Hoped It Wouldn’t…

Thursday, January 19th, 2006

I have a feeling that my husband has a few favorite parts of his day. The first part would be my phone call to him at work, usually somewhere between 11 and 2, where I update him on events as they happen.

Him: “How are you? What are you doing?”
Me: “Fine. Bored. Ellie is trying to kill me.”
Him: “Oh…”
Me: “Um, do you think you can leave and come home? Because I am tired and she’s being mean and she hates me.”
Him: “I can’t. I’ll be home later.”
Me: “Fine. You hate me. I see how it is. Have fun AT WORK. Where you talk to OTHER PEOPLE.”

Then, when he comes home at 5, and I act all Scarlett O’Hara like and …

You Don’t Want No Drama

Wednesday, January 18th, 2006

We haven’t been exactly strict when it comes to filming Miss E’s childhood. You see, we bought a video camera before she was born so we could film all the happy moments of her childhood to show 20/20 when they came knocking on our door after our child’s tellall book about her horrible family.

Then, the night I went into labor, the camera broke. Then, the good people at Best Buy lost all the video inside the camera, which included nine months worth of me bitching and moaning about how I hated being pregnant.

Luckily, I still have all the archives on this site to remember that.

So basically, the filming of our child has been sporadic, at best. Luckily, she seems very …

A Million Pieces

Thursday, January 12th, 2006

Children are innately curious beings. That’s why they put dog food in their mouths or have the need to stop at every pine cone on the ground and touch it.

I get it. I try to encourage curosity to an extent, well, to the point that she’s not going to choke on any rocks, because I hope it encourages creativity and learning. Also, curosity in rocks is a heck of a lot cheaper than anything they sell at Toys R Us.

We’re all about the learnin’ in this house, Internet.

I also know that when left to their own devices, that The Little People will come up with creative ways to entertain themselves. While I’m sure it is okay to finger paint …

Good Enough?

Wednesday, January 11th, 2006

It starts before you even leave the hospital: Did I really try hard enough to breastfeed? Is pumping alone good enough? Maybe I shouldn’t have asked for my epidural to be “topped off” because are babies really supposed to sleep that much?

Overall, I consider myself a Good Parent. I praise my child when she does something right, try to keep my temper under control and offer gentle discipline when she’s being naughty. Sometimes I do have that “Mother Guilt” that one will never understand until she has her own.

I don’t know if what I’m experiencing today is “Mother Guilt” or just a case of Am I Good Enough?

It never really crossed my mind not to share things with the Internet …

Next up, Hangman!

Monday, January 9th, 2006

We like to play a game over here in Chez Sarcastic Journalist. It is kind of like Russian Roulette: It is stupid to play, there’s a good chance you’re going to die and well, nobody wins.

I like to call it “How Ellie will react once Little Jizzy comes along.”

For those not in the know, it is pretty much impossible to guess how a 17/18-month-old child will react to anything. Take going to the dentist, for example. I was sure the dentist would come away with a few missing fingers. Instead, my child laid in her lap, mouth open, and let the dentist clean her teeth.

The entire time I’m like “Who IS this child?”

Then, on another day, people will come over …

Babies In Toyland

Thursday, January 5th, 2006

I always considered myself a minimalist when it came to babies and kiddos. Well, before I had Ellie, I think I said things such as “Toys? Who needs toys?” and “The only thing my baby needs is my love and a little imagination.”

Let me tell you this, a little imagination does not fill 24 hours in a day. A little imagination also does not let you go #2 on your own.

Next thing I know, I have a house full of borrowed baby equipment: A playmat and a bouncy seat and some thing that babies bat at to keep themselves occupied.

Overall, we’ve been pretty good about not buying too much “stuff” for our daughter. Why would we when we have …

A Fairy Tale

Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006

Once upon a time, in a land very far, far away, I used to be fun.

No, not really. I don’t know if I ever consider myself “fun” because I’m kind of grumpy and I have a lot of opinions and a lot of people don’t think of hanging out with grumpy, opinionated people as “fun.”

That’s why I have a website! I can be as grumpy and opinionated as I want and nobody has to hang out with me except for the people googling “My husband makes me do deep throat.”

Um, hello? Nobody can MAKE you do anything! See? There I go with opinions again.

In case you didn’t know, I once had a kid. Let me tell you, Internet, nothing makes …

Pickle Me Tender

Thursday, December 29th, 2005

It seems like every other day, some wise person is telling me what to say or not to say in front of my child.

“Don’t say ‘No!’ She’ll catch on and then one day, she’ll yell no at you all the time.”

Guess what? I said “Don’t” instead of “no” and haha, she says that, instead. It doesn’t matter what one says, your child will pick up on its connotations.

I could yell “PICKLE” every time my child did something “naughty” but then I’d have a 17-month-old child running around, yelling Pickle at people.

I can understand some things such as not letting your toothless child gum on your nose because one day that child will grow fangs and bite your nose …

Strange Days Are Among Us

Wednesday, December 21st, 2005

It may come as a surprise to some of you, but I was a strange little kid. For starters, I rode the “short bus” to school for a little while. Some of the kids in my class would later grow up to wear helmets all the time.

Like many little girls, I had a variety of toys at my disposal: Barbie, My Little Pony, Legos. What did I play with?

Fingernail polish bottles.

I remember, very distinctly, taking all of my mom’s fingernail polish bottles and lining them up on her dresser. Oftentimes I would re-enact scenes from Mr. Rodger’s Neighborhood. I had a very active imagination, which was good because Nobody Wanted to Play With The Girl That Looked Like a …

List Mania

Tuesday, December 20th, 2005

You know you are the parent of a toddler when…

1. A good night is when nobody poops in the tub.
2. You clap anytime someone goes potty.
3. You have your own ratings system for the consistency of poop.
4. The most important thing in the bathroom is the rubber duckie.
5. You have had to say “Do not hit mommy in the face with the hammer.”
6. You often find yourself making lists of things that your child should not put in her vagina.
7. You can poop (from pulling pants down to flushing) in two seconds flat.
8. Your favorite topic of conversation is poop.
9. Super Nanny is a real superhero to you.
10. You’ve grown accustomed to watching tv with the “Closed Captioning” on so …

Don’t miss out!

Monday, December 19th, 2005

Monday! Monday! Monday!

Come one, come all, come see the “No Nap Extravaganza!” brought to you in surround sound thanks to your friends at No-Doz!

In one corner, we have Ellie “No Sleep” Journalist, coming in at a whopping 25 pounds and 32 inches tall.

In the other corner, we have The Sarcastic Journalist, coming in at a weight she’s not disclosing and 5′5 tall.

Come and see the match to end all matches, folks. Ellie “No Sleep” Journalist has 17 months of nap-avoiding down and she’s not giving up until she’s had an hour of Teletubbies. The Sarcastic Journalist, on the other hand, is tired, pregnant and really just wants to eat cookies.

Will Ellie ever take a nap? Will SJ ever …

Decemberitis

Friday, December 16th, 2005

I don’t like to depend on other people very much. I guess, I’ve learned in the past that if I want something done, I should do it myself. I think that was one of my major complaints when I worked at the newspaper: I spent a lot of time waiting for people to call or email me and I HATED it.

I never really understood why people got so frustrated during the holidays. I mean, I could get “Ugg, I have to buy this gift and that gift,” but I understand now.

If you know anything about Christmas shopping, it is that if you have to go out, you should go on a weekday during the DAY. Going on the weekend? …

Fight for your right to Potty!

Wednesday, December 14th, 2005

Not long after I found out I was with child for a second time, we decided to buy a potty for Miss E. I didn’t really expect to you know, potty train her but figured we’d introduce the potty as our little friend that sits in the bathroom.

“Hey look! It’s Mr. Potty! How are YOU today, Mr. Potty? Wouldn’t you like some poopoo in your little potty mouth?”

Ellie would then look at me and say “Sorry, woman. I crap in my pants. I’m not crapping on that thing.”

I figured that well, she’s still young and I’m not going to push the poop in the potty issue on her yet. If anything, having it around would get her used to the …

Little Pitchers Have Big Ears

Thursday, December 8th, 2005

There is one big discrepancy between “SJ Online” and “SJ Offline.” I am going to point this discrepancy out, but most of you probably haven’t noticed. I try to keep my language pretty clean online. Why? Well, first off, I can find better words to use other than the “Fbomb” and second, trust me on this one, you never know who is reading.

So while great great granny gets to read weekly talks of my twat (haha) I will not drop the f-word on here for her. I save that for real life.

In real life, I curse like a drunken sailor. You might as well put me in a bar with a bunch of seafarin’ lads chugging back Jack Daniels because …

Mommy Guilt

Wednesday, December 7th, 2005

The first time I felt “Mother Guilt” was shortly after Ellie was born. I think it was that night, when, in desperation to get some sleep, I sent her off to the nursery. I remember thinking “what have I done? How could I send that baby off like that? She’s so little.”

I still believe that they chased her around with monster puppets in there and told her there wasn’t a Santa Claus.

I think, overall, I have kept the majority of my “Mother Guilt” in check during these past 16 months. Yes, I have my moments where I want to kick myself for not being Super Mom but really, I don’t want to be Super Mom.

I just want to be …

You will never think of playhouse disney the same way again.

Tuesday, December 6th, 2005

It took a little time, but I’ve become an avid fan of TLC’s “What Not to Wear.” I’m even considering buying their book (yes, there is a book) with a gift card I have. I can’t help it. I’m addicted.

The deal is, I’ll watch this show and the “victims” will say “I watch your show all the time!” yet they do not change how they dress.

Today, I left the house in pajamas. Not any pajamas, but a two piece pink button-down set with very large coffee cups printed all over. I am pretty sure that is against all “rules” that they have.

Sure, I could have put on my jeans and a shirt to bring my husband his lunch at work. …

You asked. I answer.

Tuesday, December 6th, 2005

Okay, about two or three of you seem to want to know why I am choosing to cloth diaper. Since that is more than just one person and ha, I just LURVE talking about myself and poop, well, here goes.

For those of you that don’t care, you can stop reading now. Seriously. But, there is talk of poop! I love poop!

Before I had Ellie, I thought about using cloth diapers. I didn’t at the time because ha, I was going to be a new mom and I was already so stressed and jittery and pretty much downright Evil, I decided just to stick to disposables.

So, eventually, I decided that I would try to CD Little Jizzy. For those of …

Rose Colored Glasses Sometimes Break

Sunday, December 4th, 2005

Most parents (I hope) think that their child is the most beautiful, wonderful thing on the face of the Earth. The poop! Oh, the poop is so beautiful! Haven’t you ever smelled anything so wonderful? The consistency! Ahh, it is just like mustard! Don’t you just LOVE mustard?

Actually, I hate mustard if you must know the truth.

When my child was born, I felt confused. I imagined that an itty bitty Gerber baby would come popping out, wearing a pink onesie and matching booties. I was in a drug-induced fog when Miss E came into the world but I remember saying two things. “She looks Asian” and “Where’s the placenta?”

It didn’t take long, but I fell in love with that …

The Biotch is Back

Wednesday, November 30th, 2005

I’ve never been one to do well with roommates. I’m not sure why. I think, most likely, it is a difference in personalities. I learned throughout college to deal a bit better and actually play nice with my roommates instead of having a friend call up and leave voice mails that said “This is Satan” for them.

For eight days last week, I had a new roommate. She was shorter than most of my roommates and definitely had more of a temper. Unlike most of my previous roommate experiences, we knew each other beforehand. I thought I knew what I was getting into.

She was a very soft sleeper, so much in fact that The Hubs would whisper to me “Be …

Give me some of your tots.

Tuesday, November 29th, 2005

There’s a family out there, you might have heard of them, they are called The Duggars. They’re the people with 16 kids and they have no plans of stopping any time soon.

I could sit here and argue about population control or the fact that the children just seem to be one of the herd, or how they may not get enough “one on one” time or “alone” time but heck, maybe they do.

I just can’t get over The Mom.

I have one kid. She is 16-months-old and likes to say “Don’t.” Sometimes she screams at naptime and she tends to throw the food she doesn’t want at dinner.

How the heck does the lady with 16 kids deal with the screaming? …

The Stakes are High and I Might Just Eat One

Monday, November 21st, 2005

It is becoming a bi-yearly installment on this site for me to talk about flying out-of-state with my child and just how much I’m dreading flying with her. I mean, blah blah blah, she screams and doesn’t sit still and people give us nasty looks and I mentally judge them and think how horrible people they are and how their Moms must have locked them in broom closets when they were younger.

So you get it. Flying with a kiddo sucks.

We are leaving for Tulsa tonight, as Tulsa is the only place we ever go. I am in the midst of my last-minute packing and cleaning and planning and “Just HOW cold is it going to be there and why …

Another reason to use birth control.

Thursday, November 17th, 2005

A day in the life of a pregnant SAHM of a 16-month-old.

8:13 am: Awake to sounds of “mama” filled with babbling.
8:14 am: Drag overly alert child to living room, place in port-a-crib with bottle, turn on that Blasted Barney, and head back to bed.
8:40 am: She’s had enough of Caillou and screams. I enter living room. Put her on couch with me, and fall asleep.
9:15 am: I awake to the fact that she is trying to untangle the knots in my hair.
9:20 am: I awake again to find that she has now brought me her humidifier, which is oddly empty.
9:21 am: Find out that she has also brought me stuffed animals that went swimming in said humidifier.
9:22 am: Guess …

Rivers of Poo

Monday, November 14th, 2005

I swear, all we talk about in this house is poo. Okay, vaginas and poo. What can I say? We have a kid that likes to poop. She also likes to eat her poop and touch her poop, but uh, I guess that just means she is open to new textures.

Recently the poo catchphrase in our house is “watery diarrhea.” Diarrhea is one of those words that I constantly spell wrong but after having pretty much a month of diarrhea diapers, well, I’m a champ at spelling that word!

Watery diarrhea for everyone!

Anyway, the diarrhea. More often than not, it is full of undigested food. If watery greyish yellowish diarrhea isn’t enough, well, having it full of black beans and bits …

It’s a birthday, baby.

Thursday, November 3rd, 2005

My birthday is coming up this month. My twenty-sixth, to be exact. I like birthdays; I enjoy cake, going out to eat and the knowledge that something “different” will hopefully happen that day.

The Hubs sent me an email today saying that his original plan for my birthday had fallen through. He had planned on getting me tickets to see Wicked while it was in town. I was impressed because it was something I had mentioned wanting to do, but didn’t think he was paying attention. Unfortunately for both of us, tickets are very hard to come by. No Wicked for me.

I’ve been thinking about this subject a lot recently, with Christmas coming up and the inevitable “what do you want” …

Parental Gluttony

Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005

The problem with having Halloween on one day and then moving apartments the next is that it is hard to get your thoughts, pictures and well, self together in order to tell a story.

Thoughts? Not together. House? Not together. Pictures? Somewhere in a box. But, the show must go on.

Things were going well on Monday until The Rainstorm From Hell came in, just in time for Trick or Treating. Several people called me (and by several, I mean my Mom and The Hubs) and asked if we were still going Trick or Treating.

Me: “I don’t care if there is a hailstorm and five feet of water. We will canoe down the street for candy.”

In case you didn’t know, my big …

Make Room for Baby

Sunday, October 30th, 2005

When I thought about having a baby, the things that I “worried” about were not things that actually matter in the long term. Sure, you have to change diapers and yeah sometimes the baby wakes up at night, but really, that’s not the big deal.

No, what is the big deal is how your entire life changes.

Did you know that some people go out to eat and it is an enjoyable experience? Did you know you could go out to eat, sit at a table, order food and go “Hmm, this is good food.” Perhaps you order dessert and coffee.

Then you have kids. Going out to eat is no longer fun. In fact, it is what I’d like to …

Friends and Lovers

Wednesday, October 26th, 2005

From what I understand, there are people out there that get easily embarrassed. You know, they have a stain on their shirt and it’s like “Oh no! What will people think?” I could care less about having a stain like that. Falling in public? Done it. Saying totally inappropriate things in front of the “wrong” people? Been there, lived to tell it.

There is one type of situation that leaves me feeling a little embarrassed. I guess I should say part embarrassed, part humble.

When I was ten years old, my family had just moved to White People Land. It was a hard time in my life: We didn’t have hardly any money, my parents had just divorced and both remarried and …

My Normandy

Tuesday, October 25th, 2005

If I knew more about the actual fighting part of World War Two, I could make better analogies. Instead, I will just tell you that I am fighting a battle on two fronts. For the sake of humor, I get to be Germany.

Miss E will play the part of both the Allies and the Russians.

So, there were those Germans. They were all proud of themselves like “Hey! We’re Germany! Look at us, kicking butt!” Much like yours truly. “Hey! I’m Mommy! Look at me! Naptime? Totally going great! I kick butt!”

But then, you know, I got cocky. The Allies and the Russians heard and came to give me a whoopin.

On one front, we have The Allies, which are …

Thread Hanging

Monday, October 24th, 2005

I am tired. I find myself saying “I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t do this.” The only problem is, when you are a parent, the words fall on deaf ears. Nobody can help you and you can’t really do anything that shows the desperation (not depression) you feel.

Maybe I should run away.

How can something you love so much make you so tired?

I think “I can not wake up tomorrow and do this again. I don’t see how I can do it.”

I secretly hope he’ll stay home from work.

And then, I wake up, after a night of little sleep because she wakes up. I will make the eggs while in my pajamas. And, I will go on, …

Mozart in the Making

Tuesday, October 18th, 2005

My child has a pretty decent taste in music, if I do say so myself. Sure, she likes to dance to the beat of any commercial we hear, but she knows a good tune when she hears one. Por ejemplo: I’ve turned around in the car multiple times to see her bobbing her head up and down to Weezer.

Since she seems somewhat musicially inclined, I think that I should start a band to reach her. In my band, I’m going to make songs to teach children all the important things in life.

A few ideas I have floating around:

Diarrhea is not for touching.
We call it naptime, not craptime.
Please do not tug on daddy’s weiner. (For the bath)
Mommy’s nipples aren’t that …

Money CAN Buy You Love, It Turns Out.

Monday, October 17th, 2005

We owned a house when we lived in North Carolina. It had three bedrooms, which meant that we had room for a “nursery” and an office/guest bedroom. I had the best attempts at keeping my child’s decor “gender neutral” so that she wouldn’t feel the need to grow up and become a girly girl. Ha. She’s as girly as they come.

Anyway, we moved to Texas when I was 35 weeks pregnant and it was bye bye nursery, hello ghetto apartment. Ellie’s room became the storage closet and we kept her crib in our room. Once we moved to White People Land, Miss E got her very own room, complete with green walls.

Now that we’re going to have “Two Under Two,” …

Phallus Malice

Wednesday, October 12th, 2005

I come from a long line of vaginas, which is kind of funny, considering I was born by c-section. If you ever go to a family reunion of mine, which you won’t because we aren’t the type of people that want to reunite, all the women that are related have different last names.

Basically, our hypothetical family reunions are not sausage fests.

So, it came as quite a surprise to some that Little Jizzy would, in fact, live up to his name. Everyone on my side expected a girl, even though everyone on The Hubs’ side wanted a boy. (And by everyone, I’m just saying that because it sounds better to make generalizations on here.)

After we saw the ultrasound of Little …

Might as well put it on speed dial

Tuesday, October 11th, 2005

For anyone playing along at home, it took exactly 1 year, 2 months, 4 weeks and 1 day for me to have to make my first call to Poison Control for my daughter.

You see, The Hubs has this “grand” idea that I should let Miss E see me sitting on the potty so that she is aware that one sits on the potty to do their business. (For any of you wondering, I only let her see me go #1. Nobody watches me poop.)

He keeps saying “If you don’t let her see you on the potty, she won’t learn!” Therefore, not wanting to be the one inhibiting her learning, I let her watch.

She was busy in the living room, playing …

Get Your DINK On

Sunday, October 9th, 2005

It’s not that it scared me to walk into the living room in my underwear, only to find a construction worker standing on my balcony while I had the blinds open. Sure, the blood from said construction workers on my stairwell is disgusting. And, no, I don’t like having to park my car farther away so that they don’t throw siding on it.

It was the noise. After several days of siding replacement related noise and a no-nap baby, I had hit my limit. My nerves were shot. It seemed like someone was trying to land an airplane on my roof while they went and built the apartment up around us.

Luckily, I called in the reinforcements: Grandma and Grandpa. They were …

Semantics

Tuesday, October 4th, 2005

I’ve made the comment recently that if I knew how Miss E would act once she turned one, I might have waited awhile to get pregnant.

The terrible twos? Yeah I’ve heard of them. But man, we have the Evil Ones.

For the most part, I can deal with The Evil Ones when we are at home. Sure, she climbs on things and may pitch a fit when I put her on the ground. Sure, she may try to swat and headbutt. But? We’re in the privacy of our home.

But get the child out in public? The Child refuses to get held. No, she has to walk. And by walk, please know that I mean run wherever she wants, whenever …

Choices

Monday, October 3rd, 2005

I have a recurring dream where I’m in college and I find out I have to take a final. The only problem is, I haven’t been to any of the lectures and sometimes, during my dream, I didn’t know I was in that class until the final.

I feel a sense of panic knowing that I will have to take a test on something I know nothing about. Eventually, I wake up, as one has to do from dreams, and realize that I’m not in college. Whew.

I don’t know if I ever considered myself a “good” student. I wasn’t a bad student; I did okay in high school and even better in college. One semester, I had a 4.0 GPA …

Thanks a lot, TLC

Wednesday, September 28th, 2005

I’ve never considered myself that “fashionable.” Sure, I cared about clothes and things like that in high school. I liked to shop at the GAP and buy new outfits (on sale,of course.) Then I met The Hubs.

Let’s just say I decided to play “I only wear clothes from a thrift store.” I stopped wearing makeup and cut all my hair off, something I would never have done before I met him. It is not his fault that I decided to play The Yucky Card; in fact, he made me a lot more comfortable with who I am.

Once I started staying at home, I got caught up in those “makeover” shows. You know, “What Not To Wear” and “10 Years Younger.”

I’m …

Trapped

Tuesday, September 27th, 2005

I just got off the phone with a blogging friend that is having some troubles. One thing you probably know about me is that I’m hardly at a loss for words. I am SJ. The Sarcastic Journalist. That “girl who got fired for her blog.” The blankity blank, fill in the blank blah blah. The Mom, The Daughter, The Wife With A Mouth on Her.

I was talking to this friend and I couldn’t get the words out. All I wanted to say is “I know. I know how you feel. I need help, too.”

On Sunday night, I broke down crying. I laid on the couch with The Hubs, crying about everything that bothers me. He asked me what he could …

Logic

Friday, September 23rd, 2005

I guess it isn’t too much to say that most 14-month-olds are crazy. I mean, hello, my kid poops her pants, likes to stick her face in smelly shoes and eat paper.

She has gotten much better about waking up in the night since we removed milk from her diet. She woke up at about 6:30am and as you may know, waking up during “Morning Dark” is a Big NoNo in the SJ household. I brought her to bed with us, hoping she’d go to sleep but figuring that was it, we were in for a long day of 24-hour news.

She drank her bottle, only occassionally molesting my skin with its coldness. I let her take all the middle of …

The Girl With One Shoe

Tuesday, September 20th, 2005

Everyone that has ever met Ellie mentions how much of a “chill” baby she is. She is good in restaurants, well, as good as a 14-month-old can be, smiles at strangers and enjoys playing with the other babies in what I call “Baby Church.”

When I used to write her monthly letters, I always commented on how her personality was starting to emerge. It is true; their personalities emerge a little bit each month. But now? Girlfriend has enough personality for all of you reading this little site.

I don’t think that anyone who knows me in real life would describe me as “girly.” In fact, I’m pretty darn casual. That is why I am so shocked to have a “girly girl.” …

The Reality of the Myth

Sunday, September 18th, 2005

I have what one could call “The Grass is Always Greener” complex. When I worked at the paper, I used to sit around, secretly planning on how wonderful my life would be when I got to be a stay at home mom. I’d make myself a nice big breakfast every morning while my child lounged in her bouncy seat, listening to the music from the Ancient Mayans on the CD player.

Then I had a baby and I got to stay home with her.

First things first: I do not make breakfast. I like to go out to eat for breakfast but since uh, that costs money, my morning ritual starts with a bowl of Fruit Loops. Second. My child hated the …

The Second Time Around

Wednesday, September 14th, 2005

Every once in awhile, The Hubs will ask me “What size fruit is Little Jizzy this week?” You see, during my first pregnancy, I proudly announced to anyone and everyone that The Parasite (aka Ellie) was “the size of a grape!” or “a banana!”

Now? I have no idea.

I am assuming it is the size of a 19 week old fetus.

During the first pregnancy, I had plenty of time to obsess over every little minute detail when it came to baby making. This was being formed this week, this was what would happen next time. At exactly 26 weeks, 3 days and 5 minutes, my child would learn to roll around and give people the finger.

Little Jizzy gets his …

Say It Ain’t So

Tuesday, September 13th, 2005

I used to be one of “those kids.” When I was 14, I had a penchant for acting a fool in public, doing stupid things such as seeing a movie multiple times only to announce important plot points (loudly) for everyone to hear before they happened.

I really outgrew that point of my immaturity by the time I learned to drive, instead opting to decorate people’s trees with tampons along with a friend. I also spent a good amount of my time harrassing people in fast food drive-thrus.

One of my high school friends called a few months ago and told me about a video she watched with a mutal friend. It was the summer after my senior year of high …

A Girl Has Gotta Eat

Monday, September 12th, 2005

I think there is a rule that once a woman becomes “with child,” someone gives her a copy of “What To Expect When You’re Expecting.” Really, this book should be known as “How to feel like a horrible mom even before the kid is born” because that’s what the book is about.

A friend of mine loaned me her copy and I poured over it like a preteen boy and Playboy. I read all about the “pregnancy diet” and how IMPORTANT it is to eat Only Good Food.

You don’t think your kid is going to get into Harvard with you only eating Twinkees, do you?

So, I came up with a plan on how I’d follow that diet. I introduced things …

Whatever Tickles Your Pickle

Sunday, September 11th, 2005

When it comes to my child, I’m somewhat lax on her. We’re often seen in public, me pushing Ellie in a stroller while she holds something that is definitely not a toy in her hand. Most recently, we have taken to giving her a pair of aviator sunglasses and the blue strap from her shopping cart cover. (Note: Even though we do not want our child to get grocery store cooties, we do not make her wear a helmet like the child in that picture.)

A lady recently looked at me and motioned to the blue strap.

“She loves it,” I said. “It makes her happy and she’s not screaming. Therefore, we shall bring that strap with us EVERYWHERE.”

Pretty much anything …

The Hippest Hippy

Sunday, August 28th, 2005

You know how there are some people that seem to have so many “causes?” Causes such as “We must save the whales” or “I would never ever eat meat.” Considering I live in Texas, I don’t hear about too many “causes” as the majority of the people in White People Land only worry about how to make sure the government doesn’t find out about their illegal maid.

I met someone in North Carolina, she was on a blind date with a friend of mine, who had many causes. She was all about going to candlelight vigils and writing letters to people on death row. I laughed silently because here she was, sitting in a room with two Texans and a …

More Fun than the CBS Mailbag

Friday, August 26th, 2005

Sometimes I don’t really feel like I know anything. I mean, that shouldn’t come as a surprise as I’m still in my twenties. I’m pretty sure I thought I knew everything as a teen. Why, who doesn’t?

I remember thinking to myself once that it seemed “almost impossible” for people to “accidentally” get pregnant. I mean, HELLO, with all the forms of “birth control” out there and all the ways to educate oneself, how could one of a zillion little happy spermies meet a little, scared egg?

Then, I got pregnant. On “accident.”

I went to Amy’s site today and saw how she mentioned that nobody tells you where your organs go when you get pregnant. The truth is, they don’t want …

The Accidental Tour Guide

Wednesday, August 24th, 2005

I feel like recently, I have taken on the role as “Tour Guide.” No longer am I wife or mother, no I am the person that must decipher the screams of a little person. Dah! Dah! Dah! No, that’s not “dada,” it is something else. It seems as if Dah Dah is The Word for everything.

Dah! Dah! “Do you want a bottle?”
Dah! Dah! “Are you mad that I won’t let you continue to hit me with the hanger?”
Dah! Dah! “Are you tired of throwing strawberries off your high chair? Perhaps you should throw them at my head instead?”

The child has actually become somewhat easier to deal with during the day, thanks to our Finally picking up her room to …

Thou Shalt Not Try to Kill Your Mother

Thursday, August 18th, 2005

I was on the phone tonight with a friend, the maid of honor at my wedding, and I said something like “Yeah…having a one year old isn’t easy. Sometimes I wish for my itty bitty baby.”

Not that I don’t love having a child that can “somewhat” tell me what she wants. By somewhat, please know that I mean lots of screaming and whining while I name things that she could possibly want. When she bursts into tears, I know I hit the jackpot.

The deal is, this kid is a little person and honestly, it is kind of scary.

She’s all “woo hoo look at me! I have all kinds of thoughts and desires and I desire to KILL you, Mother.”

In …

Operation TERROR

Wednesday, August 17th, 2005

For the love of all things good, please never allow me to discuss with you how my child’s sleeping habits are going. Because, when I say they are “fine,” and really, they usually are, she hears me and decides to try to kill punish me.

If my child happens to wake up in the middle of the night and can’t get herself back to sleep, we give her a bottle and bring her to our bed. At that point, she should lovingly look up at us and say “Thank you, Mother and Father, for taking the time out of your sleep schedule to bring me to your bed to let me lay with you while I dribble milk onto your clean …

New Leaf

Wednesday, August 10th, 2005

I’ve been throwing around an entry in my head about “turning over a new leaf,” but honestly, it’s just a bunch of crap. Not because I don’t want to turn over a new leaf, I do very much, but the truth is it is hard to do so.

I’m in a rut. I know I’m in a rut. I can see the rut, I’ve put up signs for the rut that say “Warning! Rut ahead!” but it isn’t exactly as easy to get out as one might think.

And before I continue on any further, the rut is not helping my depression. Note I said “depression” and not “self hatred.” Some people out there seem to be confusing the two. I do …

It could be worse.

Wednesday, August 10th, 2005

It only took 2 days shy of 13 months before I made my daughter a sandwich for lunch. I’m impressed.

Sleeping My Way to the Top

Tuesday, August 9th, 2005

I’ve never been really “good” at anything. I watch the Olympics wishing I could be half the athlete of a Michelle Kwan or whatever swimming crazy person they have out there. No, I’m scared of (most!) balls, have bad math abilities and am a somewhat mediocre runner.

But? I am a champion sleeper. So champion, in fact, that if there were an Olympics in Sleeping, you would be reading the official blog of the gold medal winner. I’m just that good.

I love to sleep. Some people, like my therapist, don’t get it. They think I sleep because I’m depressed. Heck! I sleep because I have a king size bed with a pillowtop mattress and multiple pillows to choose from. I sleep …

Dangerous Minds

Monday, August 8th, 2005

Dear Internet, I have an announcement to make. My baby isn’t a baby anymore; no, she’s a deviant, a defiant little critter that is looking for fresh meat to gnaw on.

We decided to go down into Houston this weekend. Actually, we went two days in a row. This is an act in itself since we live in about 30 miles north of town and have no reason to ever leave. I decided, however, on Friday to drop the Wee Beastie off at my Mom’s house so we could browse IKEA in peace.

It was WONDERFUL. Unfortunately, we weren’t exactly well-prepared in going to IKEA and ended up driving about 45 minutes for A BATH MAT.

A four dollar bath mat that we …

I should have scrapped her first poo

Tuesday, August 2nd, 2005

Not that long ago, I frantically searched through Barnes and Nobles, trying to find a “Baby Book” for Little Jizzy. I used the word “frantic” because it was a Saturday and we had Ellie with us.

Not long after I found out I was pregnant with Ellie, I went to Barnes and Nobles and bought a blank book. I guess it could be used for scrapbooking but only if you’re into scrapbooking for little people.

Turns out, I am!

So I bought the blank book because “There’s no way in heck I’m going to take the time to fill out who came to the hospital when you were born.”

In fact, if I had written down who came to the hospital that day, it …

One Day, Little Grasshopper, You Will Understand

Monday, August 1st, 2005

When I was 8-years-old, I got my very own Ramona Quimby diary for Christmas. Considering I was still at the time, very much a bookworm, this was as Martha would call “A Good Thing.”

I remember sitting in the window seat of a plane taking us from Houston to Pennsylvania to visit my Aunt (yet another Christmas present, that was a good year) and filling out my diary. I don’t remember too much about what I wrote, but there are a few words that pop into my mind from time to time, much like those annoying lyrics staring down at you from the title bar.

When I have kids…"I am going to make them be very clean.”

Never mind the fact that I …

Fuh-saaad

Wednesday, July 27th, 2005

I know that some bloggers take a long time thinking about their “online personality.” I can’t exactly say I put a lot of thought into this site when I started it. Really, I was like “Hmm, I should do one of those blog thingies! Wouldn’t that be FUN?”

I’m pretty sure that the first “blog” I ever read was Tampa Tantrum. It went out of commission shortly after my reading it, due to some um, negativity. Eventually, Robyn became one of my online friends. Kind of weird, since I was like “This chick is the coolest!”

Small world. I remember thinking that I could only hope that people would read my site like they did her’s, even though I didn’t want the …

No one told you there’d be days like this

Tuesday, July 26th, 2005

Her clothes are wet and covered in the goop of dried sweet potatoes. You thought about changing them, but that means she’d probably scream. Again. You’re tired of the screaming.

You can’t figure out what, exactly, is taking up residence in her hair, especially since you carefully bathed her in the sink yesterday.

She won’t let you get close enough to look.

She does want you close; anything that isn’t you holding her on your hip while you stand (and only stand, not sit) is too far. You don’t want the sweet potato goop to get on your clean white shirt.

There are only a certain amount of times you can wash baby goop off a shirt before it dies a tragic death by …

I put the alpha in the alpha bits

Tuesday, July 26th, 2005

It seems that no matter what we do, we just can’t be right. “They” say you need to be an uber parent. (Thanks to Julie for the link.)

Can’t just be a “soccer mom.” Nope, you’ve gotta be the Alpha Mom. You can’t let your kid join every activity. Now you have to give in every time he wants a cookie. You know what? If I don’t get a damn cookie every time I want one, she’s not going to get every freakin’ cookie.

In fact, I have no desire to become a Soccer Mom or an Alpha Mom. I know, I know, shocking.

Then I go and read this. Look at the lady, in her third trimester, who has only put on …

I Left On a Jet Plane

Monday, July 25th, 2005

The drive from Houston to Tulsa takes about eight hours. That is, it takes eight hours if you don’t stop at every Dairy Queen or Arby’s you see in the meantime. The trip (by airplane) from Tulsa back to Houston (from doorstep to doorstep) is five hours.

Yesterday, during our flight back, all I kept thinking is “Flying is FUNNY! Man, wouldn’t the internet love to hear about flying? Isn’t flying GREAT?”

This probably won’t make any sense because I’m still in “Constant Baby Entertaining Mode” after sitting next to my child on the plane while the (Lucky) hubs got to sit in the back, near the potty. You see, we’re those people that don’t actually pay for the baby to get …

The No Sleep Cry Solution

Thursday, July 21st, 2005

When we brought Ellie home from the hospital, we had this conversation often: “Oh! She’s so little and idddddy biddddddy! How could we EVER let her sleep in her own bed? I’d just DIE if she slept over there.”

Well, it didn’t take long, but I realized that she needed to go to her own bed. I knew that I wanted her to sleep in her own bed in her own room and we were setting ourselves up for problemos. So to bed she went.

You know what? I’m glad I kept her in there. Man, that child is a wild sleeper.

I think it is becoming more commonplace for parents to share the “family bed” with their children. To all of you …

Step Away From the Computer

Tuesday, July 19th, 2005

We’re leaving tonight for Tulsa, also known as The Land of Tornadoes. Leaving home is always good because sometimes you stay at home too long and you start to go crazy.

First things first. I need to step away from “A Baby Story.” I seriously feel like slapping the self righteous biznitches on that show on a daily basis. The show has made me utter very bad words while holding my child. I can’t help it. If someone is all gung ho on having a drug free labor and then, during birth, asks for drugs, saying later on that you “really didn’t want the drugs, that’s just what you say at the end of labor.” Well, that makes me want to …

Logistics

Sunday, July 17th, 2005

Once upon a time, a boy named The Hubs and a girl named SJ decided “Hmm. We should buy a house.” So they did. Eventually, the Girl Named SJ decided to act in a stupid manner, get fired from her job and not make any money. While pregnant.

The Hubs and SJ then sold their beautiful cookie-cutter house, all 1500 sq feet of it, and moved back to Texas. They moved into a very tiny apartment that was full of bugs and had a toilet that overflowed all the time. Eventually, they moved to another suburb and got a nicer, but smaller (and more expensive!) apartment.

All went well. They lived in this tiny place on the third floor (no …

Mommy and Me

Wednesday, July 13th, 2005

A couple of months ago, I went to the bookstore with my husband to browse. Actually, we went because I was in “Depression Club” and needed to get out of the house. Whatever.

I found myself in the Parenting section, where I was looking for a certain book, which oddly enough, they didn’t end up having. Anyway, a pregnant woman and her husband walked up by me and started looking at the books as well. She was maybe six or so months along and they seemed intent on finding books on parenting.

I looked at her and said “This is the only book that’s truthful,” as I pointed to Jenny McCarthy’s “Baby Laughs.” The girl ignored me and kept on looking. …

Your Faith Was Strong but You Needed Proof…

Wednesday, July 13th, 2005

I sat in my favorite coffee shop the other day, in my favorite chair with my favorite (and only) laptop in my lap. I had Microsoft Word opened, trying my best to write something that didn’t sound like it came from my butt (harder than imagined) and just couldn’t get it.

It all seemed like doodie to me. Where was my “voice?” Why must I change tenses a hundred times? Do I have anything worth writing that is more than one paragraph long?

On the way home, I thought about people that have talent. Or people that seem to have a drive (not to mention, a life) that I find interesting.

It is easy to be hard on yourself. For me, a …

Losing the Battle

Monday, July 11th, 2005

Everyone had heard the story or knows a family that fits the story to a “T.” The family has several children. With the first child, the parents weren’t sure what they were doing. They tried to read all the books, follow everyone’s advice and make the Best Child Ever. By the time the third child comes along, all Hell has broken loose and they are using knives as a mobile because the shininess catches the baby’s eyes and calms it down only in the way a nice bottle of alcohol could.

Much like Autumn hilariously changes the names that she calls her children online, I’m going to have to change Ellie’s name to “Practice Child.”

Sorry, sweetie. I’ve messed up in …

Odd Man Out

Friday, July 8th, 2005

My therapist likes to tell me lots of things about myself. I think that she’s correct; she’s good at seeing the sides of me that I don’t want to see.

I’m realizing that I set myself up for failure every weekend. I remember, when I “worked” outside the home, that the weekends were a time to come home, lay on the couch and sleep in late. Now that I stay at home, I’m used to being here all the time. I have a set schedule during the weekdays: Wake up, watch The View, eat breakfast and drink coffee, put the baby down for a nap, shower, etc.

Then come the weekends. Everyone is waking up at odd times, the shows I …

The Power Rangers Love Boobies

Wednesday, July 6th, 2005

There’s a reason why so many people buy “What to Expect the First Year.” (Note to readers: don’t buy it.) Everyone is wondering “Is my child normal?”

Here’s a hint: She isn’t. That’s why reality TV is so popular.

I try to be a “laid-back mama” and not freak over what my child is or is not doing. During the past month, she’s started a new habit that had me thinking that I better call the pediatrician ASAP to ask “Is this normal?

She throws things. Not just throws, but if you put something in front of her, she chunks it over her shoulder behind her. She’ll crawl around the living room, tossing anything she finds over her shoulder. Considering our living …

The Truth!

Tuesday, July 5th, 2005

Why people really have kids:

If you’re making the baby dinner and you mess up, no biggie. I bring to you “Broccoli/Squash/Milk/Oatmeal Soup.”

Put Some Clothes on And Call Me

Tuesday, July 5th, 2005

Have you seen the show “Intervention?” It’s about people who are addicted to something: gambling, shopping, cutting themselves, etc. This weekend’s episode had a guy addicted to video games. Long story short, this guy was an IDIOT. The weird thing was that, at age 21, he lived with his parents and didn’t have a job. They were enabling him in his addiction.

I really got the impression that Addict Guy felt that everyone owed him something. Look at me! I’m addicted to video games! It is all YOUR FAULT that I’m addicted and all of you can kiss my butt.

So, this weekend, we were driving through the backwoods of East Texas, bypassing wooded landscapes dotted with brown horses, getting stuck …

You’ll figure it out

Thursday, June 30th, 2005

So yeah, the kiddo is going off and she has to have a schedule. So, I try and write her one but uh, I’m not very good at it.

Look! I try to be anal! Watch it fail miserably as I start writing “blah blah blah” instead of actual notes on how to care for my child.

Click on picture for a larger version.

According to The Hubs, the wording about her second nap does not make sense. I mean, seriously, does anyone really expect for my Mom to follow this routine? Say it with me class: NO. That’s why I put “She doesn’t have to take this one.”

It’s my way of staying in control.

She’s totally going to come back on two …

OMG! Road Trip!!!

Thursday, June 30th, 2005

When I first brought Ellie home from the hospital, the only thing I wanted to do was hold her. Forget showering, eating or cleaning up the house, if I couldn’t do it with a wee one in my arms, it didn’t need to be done.

I remember one time holding Ellie in my lap on a pillow while I typed on my computer. I couldn’t put the child down for one minute, lest she grow up and go to college while I hit “publish” on this website.

Somewhere along the way, I realized that I could put her down. After putting her down, I realized that hey! I can get things done when not holding her. I could poop! And eat! Do …

Moving on…

Monday, June 27th, 2005

I am so glad that nobody has an opinion on the old snippage of the weiner. Whew. THAT went over well. Before I continue on, NOBODY is making any decisions for me. I merely wanted to see who is snipping and who isn’t as I don’t know anyone with babies.

And, you know, those ladies at the mall keep getting mad when I ask if their sons are “intact.” HA!

So, onto more controversial subjects, my little sluts and dumb people. (BTW, I love all you guys. You make me laff so very hard. Hard like a wang.)

In case you didn’t know, Miss E’s first birthday is coming up on July 12. Yup, my Crotch Fruit is going to be one! One …

Projectiles

Tuesday, June 14th, 2005

We hardly go out of town anymore. Even a weekend trip to visit family becomes a three ring circus when a child is involved. Since it has been entirely too long since the circus has come to town, we decided to go to a town a few hours away to visit family this weekend and, of course, we brought the child. That’s who everyone wants to see, anyway.

Don’t these people care about ME, the child that had meningitis and went deaf in one ear? Hello! I could have died! What about me? Me? The person who gave birth to that grandbaby???

I lay in bed on Saturday night, a hard, uncomfortable not to mention small bed next to The Hubs as …

You will not read this in a baby book.

Tuesday, June 7th, 2005

Looking back, I consider the adolescent Sarcastic Journalist to have been pretty much “boy crazy.” It started in the second grade when I became obsessed with a transfer to our school named Jason Green. From what I remember, he was blonde, had an attitude, lived with his mom and seriously disliked me.

The fact that he found me as annoying as genital herpes (Ha! Mentioned them again!) should have told me to back off. It didn’t. I remember sitting next to him in music class while I unfastened and refastened my velcro shoelaces. I think he told me to stop it. The highlight of this period of my life was when Jason and I had to hold hands and dance to …

Pat my drum, baby.

Thursday, June 2nd, 2005

Sometimes I’ll go to someone’s website and I’ll read a part of their entry where they are quoting famous historians, poems or philosophers. At that very moment, when the writer compares their search for green tea to the plight of the Mongoose, I feel myself vomit a little. If the Internet were a giant lecture hall and these people were the professors, you could bet your bottom dollar that I’d be drawing stick figures doing naughty things in the corners of my notes.

Luckily, you won’t find any of that here. Instead, I’ll relay an episode of The Simpsons. In one Simpsons episode, a toy company takes over Bart and Lisa’s school and they use the students to help …

Juggling Act

Tuesday, May 31st, 2005

I went to a “playgroup” when Miss E was itty bitty at the local library. Obviously, I wasn’t going for her to interact as she slept the entire time, but I wanted to get out and see real, live people who also had babies.

There was one lady there, who was totally the Hall Monitor in high school, who ran the group. I didn’t really like her, but, at the same time, I kind of felt sorry for her. Did she realize just how dorky she seemed? She seemed a little too uptight for my liking, but different strokes for different folks. Anyway, Hall Monitor had a son, who was about two, that acted like my now 10-month-old does. He refused …

Southern Hospitality

Saturday, May 28th, 2005

People in the South seem to enjoy talking about how friendly they are. I remember growing up and having people I didn’t know smile or wave at me on the street. I thought “Man, these people are so nice!”

Knowing my luck, they probably thought I was “special.” Perhaps I had toilet paper on my shoe.

Anyway, when I lived in Denver for a short while, I remember thinking how different things were there. First off, the people did not drive like they do in Houston. No one had one hand on their gun, the other hand out the window, flipping the bird. People seemed very complacent, very willing to just line up on the highway and take their time getting home. …

Do not boycott “French Fries” for you will be boycotting my baby.

Friday, May 27th, 2005

My daughter’s head always smells like french fries. I just finished bathing her after the “Mommy left Jello on the table and someone had to pull it off and then smear it over herself” episode and she STILL smells like french fries.

Also, for anyone who has seen the movie “Poltergeist,” you know the part where the Mom and Carol Ann come back from the other side covered in jelly?

It was totally like that.

So, if they say that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, I guess Miss E is one lucky girl. Hopefully the guys she dates like fried food.

Potty Mouth

Wednesday, May 25th, 2005

I had two forms of delusion when I was pregnant. The first was the “My Baby is Going to be Crazy” delusion. I’m not sure what I expected, but I think it had something to do with her biting the heads off bats and drinking chicken blood.

Luckily, my child came out and she has never had contact with bats. She’s happy and smiley and even though she has recently given me an attitude of a 16-year-old girl, she’s still okay.

My second delusion was the “My Baby is Never Going to do That” delusion. I think, out of the two delusions, this one is the worst one to have. WHY? Because, Internet, your baby is going to do that. A lot. …

Leaving on a Jet Plane (tomorrow)

Tuesday, May 10th, 2005

How to go on vacation for childless people:

Think “Gee. I want to go on vacation.”
Pack bags between all those sex sessions you are having. Go on vacation.

How to go on vacation for people who have babies:

1. Think “If I don’t go on vacation, I’m going to jump off the balcony.”
2. Figure out how you can come up with money to go on vacation. Harvest kidney. Sell on black market.
3. Call family members to see who will come watch child for you.
4. Freak because someone who is not you will be watching your child.
5. Make detailed list of things child likes (Dr.Phil) and dislikes (car seat).
6. Realize you are out of homemade baby food. Buy more fruits and vegetables so …

Glory Days, Yeah They’ll Pass You By

Sunday, May 1st, 2005

After a long day yesterday where The Hubs and I hardly spent any time together (Him playing games, me at the House of Pies) I thought we were going to spend time together today. Not too long into our day, we get a call from some college friends of ours who invite us over for a BBQ.

Before I say anything else, I must say that here in Texas, BBQ is a verb, not a noun.

I wasn’t really in the mood to go, not because I don’t like these people, because they are perfectly nice, but because I don’t feel like I have much in common with them. You know, we all graduated and moved on and we had babies …

The Vagina Plight of Womankind

Tuesday, April 26th, 2005

Somewhere today, in between the cramping and the crawling and the sweeping the baby mouth for objects that do not belong there (For those of you keeping track, today we had tape, a stem, a leaf, some carpet fiber and waxy rutabaga skin) I thought to myself how tired I was.

Sure, last night’s Teething Hell 2005 was fun. Really fun. So fun, in fact, that I wanted to call each and every one of you at 2am and discuss all the fun I was having.

No, I was just TIRED. Still am.

You Moms (and Dads) who stay home know what I’m talking about. I’m sure those of you who also work know as well, but since I’m feeling a little, …

Reasonably Unreasonable

Tuesday, April 26th, 2005

I think the fun part of being a woman is coming up with unreasonable expectations for yourself. When I was younger, I read a book about puberty and growing up that told me that I should be able to put my hands around my waist and have my fingers touch.

Just so you realize, I can not put my hands around my child’s waist and have my fingers touch. Hurray for people who write completely outlandish books that screw up little girls’ minds that make them think they will never be thin enough! Everyone should think they are fat at the age of NINE!

You may remember, recently, how I became infuriated with my body due to the fact that it didn’t …

I’m not racist because, see, I totally wanted the Black Pope!

Tuesday, April 19th, 2005

The feeling of grief overwhelmes me. I sit in a coffee shop on a Tuesday afternoon, something that should excite me. It is, afterall, the first time I have ever been away from The Baby on a weekday doing something that didn’t have to do with my boobs, cooter or craziness.

Instead, I feel the tightening in my throat and the nausea waves in my stomach. It isn’t a pregnancy, no, I “checked” again this morning after last night’s intense desire for a turkey leg boughten from a fair. I am not sure if boughten is a word but it is for this blog. It is my blog and I make up words as I so well please.

Also desired: BBQ potato …

Poop Happens

Sunday, April 17th, 2005

Yesterday, as I sat at the dining room table, laughing at the cattiness over at the CBB, Miss E hung out in her play area a few feet away from me. I kept watch on her as she tried to figure out how to climb over the beanbags we use to keep her away from the rest of the house, also known as the Land Where Things Magically Disappear Into Her Mouth.

Then I heard a cry. Not just a normal “You stupid woman, let me play with knives!” cry, but a cry of pain. I rushed over to her, swooping her into my arms to comfort her. Then I smelled it: Poop.

We walked into the bathroom, where her changing …

27 Pee Tests at a Typewriter Can’t be Wrong!

Thursday, April 14th, 2005

I remember hearing from women who would go on and on about how much they “loved being pregnant!” They’d sit there, a far off look in their eyes as they thought about expanding bellies and dark nipples.

I didn’t exactly consider myself to be a “good” pregnant person. Sure, there were plenty of outside influences on my pregnancy that made it less than ideal. Overall, I didn’t lay around, rubbing my belly, saying “I could be like this forever.” Instead I counted down the weeks until it was over and done with.

Obviously, nine months later, my body still remembers that.

Since other people were capable of getting knocked up for the second time, I assumed it would happen to me as well. …

Ellie’s Ninth Month

Wednesday, April 13th, 2005

Dear Ellie,

Yesterday, you turned nine months old. I meant to write something THEN, but let me teach you an important lesson: When you have a baby, things don’t always happen the way you want them to. Anyway, so you’ve been “out” as long as you were “in” and can I tell you that I enjoy you much more now that you aren’t taking residence up in my uterus?

Girl, I can’t tell you how much your Daddy and I love you. If I did, I don’t think you’d believe me. I have this love that is so deep, so primal, for you. I just want to snatch you up in my arms and gobble your little cheeks and kiss you …

I play with my axe wound at the park

Friday, April 8th, 2005

I get a call this morning from The Hubs, who asks if I want to go eat lunch with him and some of his coworkers. I oblige and at 11:15, Miss E and I arrive, fake Cheerios in hand.

Anyway, there’s not much to tell of the lunch but I thought I’d share a little conversation that had me in tears (the good kind) by the end.

Fabulous Widow (to me): I’m going to cut you.
Me: I already have an axe wound.
Guy: Really? You do?
Me: Yeah.
Guy: I want to see it.
Me: You would, probably because you’ve never seen one before.
Everyone: Laughs.
Guy: I don’t get it. Where is your axe wound?

Okay, damn. It was much funnier in person, probably because I’m butchering this …

Like Mother Like Daughter

Monday, April 4th, 2005

Dear baby,

I’m glad you are learning new things such as how to pretend you are choking when we’re eating so we’ll look at you. That’ll come in handy on dates when your boyfriend is busy talking on his cell phone.

However, I have a feeling your newest trick might also come in handy on dates and that Freaks Me Out. Today, I looked in your room while you were taking a nap. You were on your belly in the fetal position, little butt in the air. I can’t see your diaper. I tiptoe in and what do you know? Sometime during your nap, you woke up, took off your diaper and threw it out of the crib.

Now you are naked. Sleeping …

Same, but different

Wednesday, March 30th, 2005

Before I met The Hubs, I wondered to myself what love would be like. I imagined it as a form of the love I had for my parents: This never ending love that you feel for someone, even if they do something bad that hurts you and makes you cry.

Once I met him, in 2000, I found out what love really is. It is this beautiful thing, something that can hardly be described in words; something that is better portrayed by a passing glimpse, a hand on a thigh, a gentle hug. Sure, someone else could glimpse at me or place their hand on my thigh, but not in the same way.

Nobody can love me like he does. …

It’s the end of the world as we know it!

Tuesday, March 29th, 2005

It seems as if Ellie has discovered food. Not just the food we put on her high chair, but the food that goes into our mouths. The Hubs recently told me that she screams every morning when he eats his breakfast. No matter what he does, the screams and pestering will persist until he gives her some of what he is eating.

My child now has a diet of Fake Cheerios and Light Yogurt. Go us!

Anyway, I solve this problem by never eating in front of the child. So hardly do I ever eat in front of her, that she will grow up and think that I am an anorexic because she has few memories of me shoveling food into my …

For Ty!

Monday, March 21st, 2005

http://www.flickr.com/photos/shenuts/7055775/

Photographic Evidence that my boobies are a bit smallerish.

Annie Get Your Gun!

Friday, March 18th, 2005

I’ve got a secret: I like to read the Celebrity Baby Blog. Well, that and I tend to wear socks more than once.

I like to read the site and look at the pictures and see who is pregnant and who is pretending to be pregnant. Sue me. Whatever. It’s a guilty pleasure. What bothers me about this blog are the “drive bys.”

You know, the women who think they know how everything should be and have no problem telling their opinion? You should only have a drug-free labor. You should breastfeed until age 27. You should name your child Billy Jim Bob Bubba and if you don’t, they are “disappointed” in you.

Michelle Branch is scared of labor? Well, she …

Questions

Wednesday, March 16th, 2005

I think that when people become new parents, they may not prepare for the questions. Sure there are questions such as breast or bottle? Schedule or just let the baby do whatever? There are books to answer those questions.

They don’t tell you about the other questions. What if you fall asleep when you put your baby in her crib for a nap and wake up 40 minutes later to crying? Did the baby fall asleep? Has she been up and is now just doing her random crying thing?

What if the baby poops during the middle of a nap and wakes up? They don’t tell you about the nap pooping in the damn books!

How much carpet fiber/random bits on the …

It’s not me, it’s you.

Tuesday, March 15th, 2005

When I was younger, I invited a bunch of my classmates over for a little get together. To make a long story short: Nobody showed. I was 11, kind of chubby with a Southern accent. I lived here in The Whitelands, a place where kids are not known for being very “nice.”

Now that I’m back in The Whitelands, it would seem as if I’d fit in well. I have a kid! I’m a stay at home Mom! I bought my jeans from The Gap! I love The Gap!

I bypass Wal-Mart for Target and I shop at the “fun” grocery store. But…one problem. We don’t have lots and lots of money. We buy “off brands” and Ellie’s clothes were all gifts. …

And you thought I might write about something interesting…

Monday, March 14th, 2005

When I used to work in an office and sit at a desk inside of a cubicle, I wanted nothing more than to stay at home all day. Now I do.

I’m going to tell you the truth. I like staying at home. I think that it is imprinted in my genes that I do not do well in a work-related environment. I hate work, plain and simple. That is why, when I grow up, I’m going to be a writer.

Woo-hoo!

Anyway, now that I stay at home all day, I have to come up with things to do. You see, sometimes I complain about getting bored. Well meaning people try to tell me to come up with a hobby, but it …

Ellie Month Eight

Friday, March 11th, 2005

Hello Ellie!

So now you’re eight months old. Well, I have many things to tell you but instead I’ll just sum it up in three ways.

The Good: You’re now crawling. You’re such your own little person.
The Bad: This little person comes with teeth.
The Ugly: With the teeth come tantrums.

You started crawling on Valentines Day, so if you ever grow up and think how much Valentines Day sucks, just think that was the day you started crawling. Of course, you waited until I left the house to crawl. You crawled for Daddy and he says that you crawled towards the trash.

Since you have started crawling, you have been in everything. You’re under the table and in the closet and falling off …

Million dollar babies

Friday, March 11th, 2005

Yesterday, we went to playgroup. I’m not going to lie when I say I go for several reasons. First, it gets me out of the house. Second, Ellie loves to interact with the other babies (I call her a shark at these outings) and third, I’m going for my book.

I’m trying to keep an open mind at these things. Really. The only deal is, it seems as if they’ve all been best friends! forever and they aren’t really in the mood for a new member in the group. I’m trying. I even tried to get everyone talking by asking what they did before they became professional butt wipers.

I tried.

Anyway, so we’re sitting there and everyone was talking about how they …

You were meant for me and I was meant for you.

Thursday, March 10th, 2005

Yesterday, I went to lunch with my friend. We will call her “Bree.” Anyway, Bree said the most wonderful thing to me. She said that she told her parents that she had never seen two people who were more meant for each other more than myself and The Hubs.

Awwwwww. Please wipe the vomit off your computer screen so you can continue reading this.

I think we are “meant” for each other because no one else could put up with either of us. Today, I got an email from my sister-in-law, Ands. Oops, I said her name.

Ands. Ands. Ands. Hi Ands.

Anyway, this email is a ticket confirmation that says she will be coming to visit us at the end of March. I …

Addiction

Thursday, March 10th, 2005

I think I’m addicted.

I’d rather do it than do other things that I enjoy. I think about it often. It interferes with my life.

I’m addicted to sleep.

When Ellie first came home from the hospital, I would jump out of bed if she started crying. Not wanting her to wake The Hubs, I would run to the living room to feed her, often staying up for hours because she didn’t feel the need to sleep.

Last night, Ellie decided to wake up twice. I’m not sure if it is the teething (the bottom two are coming in) or if she just wants to play. Either way, the child is up and screaming. Instead of running to her room to pick her …

I didn’t plan on getting herpes for free…

Friday, March 4th, 2005

Dear Old Navy,

I know you’re busy keeping the prices low and stuff and I reallly appreciate it. My new capris? Totally awesome. More people should have blue pants.

Anyway, the dressing rooms. Today, I was in the dressing room with my kid. And, of course, the one time I didn’t bring her diaper bag with me, she got really pissed off. She was screaming and crying.

So I took her out of the stroller and put her on the ground. As I was across the room, trying to shimmy into my pants, I saw some stuff go from the floor to her mouth, via her grubby little hand.

I’m pretty sure that stuff wasn’t kosher, either.

Think about it. It will be hard …

Baby Jail

Friday, March 4th, 2005

So Martha Stewart is out of prison. She’s on home confinement in a massive 2 billion acre estate. Of course, it has been completely remodeled and she has a private chef coming in. She has “to stay in the house” except for going to work 48 hours a week.

So let me get this right. She can leave the house for 8 hours a day, 6 days a week. Is it me or does this sound like most normal people’s lives?

She’s on house arrest and she has more of a life than I do. I should go do some insider trading.

So my child is now mobile. When I say “mobile” please know that I mean “gets into anything and everything possible.”

She’s …

Giveaway!

Tuesday, March 1st, 2005

Free to Good Home:

One baby, comes with two teeth.

Likes: Biting, kicking and long walks on the beach.
Dislikes: Naps, when you take the remote control away and empty bottles.

She can change the channel on the tv, eat things off the ground and crawl. She is adapt at pulling herself up on things and biting noses.

Mean Man Strikes Again

Tuesday, March 1st, 2005

I have an aunt, we will call her “Aunt Moody” because good grief, this woman is moody as hell, who was artificially inseminated. Now, Aunt Moody didn’t get AI because she was infertile or whatever reasons people go and do that type of thing. Aunt Moody did it because she wanted a baby, man or not.

I was ten when AM got pregnant and I remember her telling me to touch her belly. “No!” I shouted running away. “That’s gross!”

Anyway, up until recently, I wasn’t sure exactly how AI worked. For some reason, I thought you went to the sperm bank, picked out the spermies you wanted, went home and inserted them while sitting on the toilet.

Yes, I have a college …

Doggy Do What?

Friday, February 25th, 2005

As I stood on the edge of the kitchen at “playgroup” yesterday, a lady with a 3-month-old commented on Ellie’s crawling skills.

“Yeah, it’s kind of like having a dog,” I say as I pop a piece of bread into my mouth. She gave me a polite smile and wandered off into the kitchen, leaving me and my dog-child to ponder my parenting abilities.

Yesterday, my kid pooped her diaper. Then it leaked. However, The Hubs didn’t realize that the diaper had leaked, and ended up dragging her bottom across the ground. We had a line of poop across our living room rug.

Mmmm…smeared baby poop.

The kid is constantly finding things like twist ties and putting them into her mouth. She’s …

My boob wants a playgroup.

Thursday, February 24th, 2005

Turns out B Day was really just PGOTBADAU Day. PGOTBADAU= Put goop on the boob and do an ultrasound.

No needle! No biopsy today! Can I get an “Amen?”

Anyway, this morning I sat around for what seemed like ever, watching fuzzy Matlock and Little House on the Prarie, before leaving to go to playgroup.

When I got to this playgroup for people with babies under one, I recognized a girl there. “Did you graduate from (XXX School)? Go to A&M? Live in North Carolina?” Then it hit me. She worked at the country club with me when I was 17 and she was in college.

Let me put it this way: She was a big flirty gossip that I was friendly with …

Darn it all to heck!

Tuesday, February 22nd, 2005

The Baby is finally starting to babble. Usually we hear strings of “bah bah bah” but today there was a “mah mah” in there. Of course I decided she was saying “mama” and she loves me very, very much!

It seems as if “Some People” think we need to “watch our language” in front of the baby. I guess they think using the F-bomb is wrong as is all the other fun four-letter words that have dotted my vocabulary since I was 12.

In case you didn’t know, it has been said that I have a mouth like a drunken sailor. Personally, I believe that a drunken sailor might say “Arrrrr, maties” a little more than I do.

Wait. That’s a pirate.

I don’t …

The red pill or the blue one?

Monday, February 21st, 2005

I’m sitting here, curled up at the table, trying to think of a play on words for the word “wean.” I can’t think of one.

In case you didn’t know, I am growing tired of pumping the boob. And when I say I’m growing tired, I mean that I really would like to wear normal bras and have a chest that isn’t of mammoth proportions.

It seems simple: Either I pump or I don’t. Shit or get off the pot, as I once heard it put. Simple enough. When you gotta poo, you’ve gotta poo. Sometimes you don’t.

And sometimes you are constipated and want to poo but can’t.

I’m boob constipated. I can’t decide what to do.

The funny thing is, I used …

Keeping Up Appearances

Sunday, February 20th, 2005

When I was a little girl, I had a variety of toys to play with: My Little Ponies, Barbie and Legos. Want to know what my favorite toy was? The toy I look back on, the toy I remember playing with?

Nail polish bottles.

I’ve always had an imagination. I loved playing with nail polish bottles, coming up with names and stories, playing for hours on end by myself. I think I turned out okay.

I just finished reading the Newsweek about “The Perfect Mother.” First off, I got very excited because this seemed very relevant to my book. There is no such thing as the perfect mother. Stop fooling yourself.

Then I thought about these women and I felt like kicking butt. Who …

…While The Screams Continue

Saturday, February 19th, 2005

Sometimes I read the blogs of people who are pregnant and I just want to type in their comment section YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE GETTING YOURSELF INTO.

No offense to you pregnant people because, probably, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE GETTING YOURSELF INTO. Sure, there’s the onesies and the diapers and crib bumpers and diaper bags. Then there’s the crying.

Let me repeat myself. There is crying. Lots of it.

You cry, the people around you in nice places cry when they see you coming in with the baby, but, most of all, the baby cries.

Hello, my name is SJ and my 7-month-old cries anytime she SEES the crib. Sure, we’ve gone through good phases where she would …

Fat Bastardette

Thursday, February 17th, 2005

I vaguely remember hearing something about hair growth during pregnancy. “Okay, so my hair will grow,” I thought to myself. I was trying to grow out my hair anyway so hair growth seemed like a positive thing.

Then I blinked and I had brown sideburns. And neck hair. Hello, my name is SJ and I had neck hair during my pregnancy.

I also had a hairy stomach. I had this cute belly and it was covered in hair. Dark black hair. I looked like a Hairy Beast.

Exhibit A:

I remember the day I noticed the neck hair growing in. It totally freaked me out because now I had stretch marks and neck hair and that’s just WRONG!

So I bleached it and all was …

Here’s my thread, let’s hang.

Wednesday, February 16th, 2005

Time completely changes when one has a baby. Before the baby came, I remember sitting at work, banging my head against the desk. I’d look at the clock and think “I have been here for 10 whole minutes. Nine hours and fifty minutes to go.”

Days seemed to go on forever. Friday was as far away as Christmas.

Time has completely changed since Ellie came around. When she was first born, I adjusted to staying up in the middle of the night and got used to watching ABC World News Now at 4am. I look at these past seven months and wonder where the time went.

Sometimes I blink and it is Friday. Friday? Wasn’t it just Monday?

The Hubs has to …

Come on everybody, let’s do the titty twist!

Wednesday, February 16th, 2005

It’s no secret that I’m not the biggest fan of breastfeeding. Since I have been a mostly exclusive “pumper” for seven months now, I don’t really have to deal with the hassles of having a baby to the breast.

Every once in awhile I try and put the baby to the boob, just to keep things interesting. We have a new problem on our hands when it comes to puting “the child to the breast.”

I think Ellie is trying to break my nipple off.

Sometimes she bites me. Other times she clamps on to my nipple and yanks her head back. She does what I call the “boob blow job,” where she opens her mouth and bounces her head forward and …

Go figure…

Tuesday, February 15th, 2005

I’m around the baby nonstop. It is pretty safe to say that I’m usually around her 24 hours a day. Yesterday, I went to a local coffeeshop for 1.5 hours so I could clean up my book proposal.

During that 1.5 hours, one of the handful of times I have left the child since she was born, she learned to crawl.

My child waited until I left the house to figure out how to crawl. And what did she crawl for? Trash.

I’ve been spending all the time since I woke up pulling breast pump tubes and shoelaces out of her mouth.

Things will never be the same.

Breastfeeding sucks.

Monday, February 14th, 2005

Today is Valentine’s Day. It is also the 5 year anniversary of me and my husband meeting! Anyway, Valentine’s Day is one of those days where you are supposed to act all sexy and put on pretty panties and eat chocolate off your lover’s navel.

We went to the mall yesterday to get The Hubs a pair of jeans. While he was crusing the sale racks, I walked over to the “unmentionables” section, even though I know I can’t wear anything there.

And what do I see? Pretty panties! Bras! Matching bras and panties! Right then and there, I got very annoyed and very tired of breastfeeding. I wanted to give it up, let the boobs shrink back down and buy some …

Ellie Month Seven

Thursday, February 10th, 2005

Dear Ellie,

In a few days, you turn seven months old. I can’t believe that you are seven months old! I say that every month, but really, every month I’m just surprised at how big my little girl is becoming.

I guess that I’m coming to the realization that you aren’t always going to be itty bitty.

One morning, I woke up and you were next to me on your hands and knees, rocking back and forth. I totally thought it was a fluke until you continued to do it later on in the day. You still haven’t figured out how to crawl, even though we’ve tempted you with contraband like remote controls, my purse and dirty socks.

Yes, you like dirty …

The Perfect Mother?

Tuesday, February 8th, 2005

Some of you may not realize, but I’m busy trying to write a Parenting book.

Don’t laugh. Seriously. The deal is, I’m not writing a “Girlfriends Guide” or “What to Expect the First Year.” I’m writing a book on how it really is. The poop. The crying. The insanity.

Imagine my blog in a longer form. And written with a lot less typos.

Why do women feel they have to be perfect mothers? As I saw this morning on The View, you can dislike your job (well, except for me. I wasn’t allowed), you can dislike your husband, your house, but how dare you say you dislike something your children do?

That’s probably why Super Nanny and Nanny 911 are popular. We are all …

I’d like to Venti my foot up your ass, thankyouverymuch.

Thursday, February 3rd, 2005

We were at the local Mervyn’s this past Monday, searching for a pair of jeans for The Hubs, when I saw something odd.

Hidden behind a freestanding sign and positioned next the escalator was a store directory. Only problem?

The directory had braille written on it. How in the heck would a blind person know to go behind a freestanding sign and touch the wall next to the escalator?

Why is there braille on drive up ATMs?

I have a theory about places of business. My theory is that you can tell if the business likes having customers with small children come in. First, they have a changing table in the restroom. You don’t know how many restaurants I have visited where …

Interesting…

Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005

I think having a 6-month-old is like having a dog, except I bet dogs don’t put their socks and their mouths and scream/shriek.

You are Not Your Job

Tuesday, February 1st, 2005

I remember watching a television/reality-type show about prostitutes. There was a lady who worked at a brothel and then would go home to her three kids and husband.

I remember thinking “If she works in a brothel, how did she have three kids with her husband?” Isn’t that kind of like bringing your work home?

A friend of mine told me last year how she and her husband would argue once he was off of work. It seemed as if he wanted time to “relax” after working and didn’t want to mess with the baby. The problem was, so did she.

When I worked at the newspaper, I would normally be able to come home from work and not have to worry about …

Motherhood…

Tuesday, February 1st, 2005

Photographic evidence why it is NOT OKAY to fall asleep while your child has her way with your boob.*

Later on, I woke up with a face covered in baby drool and her gnawing on my chin.

* There is NO NIPPLE in this picture. Seriously, people. Would I post a picture of my nipple? NO.

Welcome to your friendly neighborhood Woodlands super Walmart.

Saturday, January 29th, 2005

As I laid in the confines of my comfy king sized bed this morning, wearing my orange maternity tank top, with a baby grabbing handfuls of my hair, the husband and I discussed what we planned on doing that morning.

First a breakfast at a local French restaurant, where we could eat omlettes and sip coffee and feel young and suburban. I imagined cup after cup of coffee finding its way to my table, while my child played peacefully by herself and the husband and I discussed a variety of topics, only in a way two lovers can.

Well, I had two cups of coffee and the child played by herself. But we discussed blogging and bloggers and blogs. Yes, we …

Isn’t she lovely?

Friday, January 28th, 2005

One Act Play, by Ellie and SJ.

Scene:

Living room. Smallish apartment. One wall is painted red, television blaring out of armoire.

Ellie: I hate you. You smell like poop.
SJ: You go poop? Do I need to change your diaper?
Ellie: No!! You are stupid! Waah! You smell like poop and I hate you.
SJ: So no poop? Do you want a bottle?
Ellie: No! No bottle you idiot! I want a new mommy!
SJ: We should watch Dr. Phil. Be glad you’re not that little adopted boy and that you have a mommy who loves you.
Ellie: Waaah! Waaaah!
SJ: You want to play?
Ellie: (SCREAMING) AhhhhhIHateYou!!
SJ: You should sit in your walker. Walkers are fun!
Ellie: Give me crepe paper! I want crepe paper!
SJ: Uhhh-
Ellie: now. woman. now.
SJ: Fish …

Call Me When You’re Mobile

Friday, January 28th, 2005

Yesterday, my child figured out how to prop herself up on her hands and knees and rock back and forth. For those of you who are not down with baby development lingo, it means SHE IS ABOUT TO CRAWL.

My sweet little girl is about to become a crawler and all Hell will break loose in my apartment.

Even though I’m excited at the prospect of her learning how to do something as cool as becoming mobile, the thought of her growing up upsets me. First she crawls, then she learns how to drive.

The problem with driving is that people are stupid. I have seen too many people driving the wrong way down a one way road. People are honking, people …

Probably NOT the margarita playgroup…

Wednesday, January 26th, 2005

“They” say that staying at home with your child is isolating. I don’t know how isolating I find it to be as I am an isolationist. That means I can sit around, by myself, all day long and not care.

But, that being said, I know that it is good for me to have friends. To be around people who are in a similar phase of life as I am. I do have friends here, but the majority are single. None have kids.

So I saw a notice for a playgroup for moms with kids under one. I’m a mom. My kid is younger than one. So I emailed the lady to inquire about the playgroup.

But the deal? They only keep inviting …

Foodie by Association

Sunday, January 23rd, 2005

A pot of boiled tomatoes is sitting in my kitchen.

Now that Ellie eats actual “food” (that word, we’ll leave in quotations because what she eat surely doesn’t resemble anything I would find palatable), we find ourselves in a Brave New World, a world where we play the game “I wonder if she’ll eat this?”

Back when Ellie was itty bitty, we got into the habit of not bathing her often. The entire act of bathing was a nuisance, with the wiping and the shampooing and the drying and the dressing. We were known to let her go many, many days without a bath due to one reason: pure and simple exhaustion.

At one point, my family said that my child smelled like …

The critic says not to read this email because you suck, you stupid mommy.

Friday, January 21st, 2005

My Inner Critic is secretly excited about this email:

“OMG. If I were gay. And if I were a lesbian who wanted to get married. I would so want to marry you….I know you are up to your eyeballs in baking, but I really encourage you to start your own business someday because Goddamn, those are terrific.”

Me?

I’m glad that email came because I’m off this one med I used for breastfeeding and well, I have NO MILK today. As in it is 1:30pm and I’ve pumped a total of 3 ounces since getting up. Good thing there’s such a thing as formula or my child would starve.

Expect this.

Wednesday, January 19th, 2005

When I got pregnant, my friend gave me her copy of “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.” You’re supposed to go through it month by month and learn that your nipples will get this big and your butt will do that and your hair? It will grow.

Of course, they don’t tell you that you will end up with sideburns and a crotch so sensitive that sitting on the toilet hurts.

So, of course, I have my copy of What to Expect the First Year. It tells me how much my baby SHOULD weigh and what she should do during different stages of infancy.

They tell you how to play peek a boo with your kid (come on, could you NOT figure …

Ellie’s Sixth Month

Thursday, January 13th, 2005

Dear Ellie,

Yesterday, you turned sixth months old! Six months! That’s half a year. I’m still trying to grasp my head around the fact that I have a sixth month old.

Today, you did something very special. You threw a temper tantrum. It was very cute and all, as you didn’t want to go to sleep so you got mad and beat me with your fists while you kicked your legs really, really fast!

You may have thrown temper tantrums before, but really, you’re changing so fast that it’s hard to keep up with you! I think what I love being around you everyday is when I notice you doing something for the first time. Such as when you realized that you had …

What they don’t tell you in “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.”

Wednesday, January 12th, 2005

You know you’re a parent when you sniff your child’s bare crotch and say “Yup. We should probably clean down there.”

Dr. Indian Whitebread thinks I’m whack

Monday, January 10th, 2005

I think my new doctor doesn’t like me. Either that, or she thinks I’m a freaking retard, which is more likely.

I went to the doctor today and all I got was a damn blood-draw band-aid.

First off, let me say this to the woman in the parking lot who ZIPPED past me and cut me off and flew into the spot that I was OBVIOUSLY trying to get into: BITCH ASS HO MOTHERFUCKER.

You happy? I hope you heard my honks. I honked twice, thankyouverymuch. I bet you’re ugly and you were on your way to get your STD treated.

And? Thanks a lot. I’m trying to curse less as I am a churchgoing person and how am I ever going to …

Bad Mommy

Thursday, January 6th, 2005

I just sang a song to Ellie, while changing her diaper, that used the phrase “Who has the spirit fingers, come on damnit.”

Sleep is good. Why don’t you try it?

Monday, January 3rd, 2005

Quick note to my child, who is currently screaming in her crib: Some people (like Mommy and Daddy) can go to sleep on their stomachs without screaming. If they roll on their stomachs, they roll back over. They don’t scream until snot comes out of their noses. Also? When they get in bed, Hell, when they SEE the bed, they don’t start screaming, either.

PS: I’m totally onto your fake cries. Stop it. And the real cries? Stop that, too. It’s just a freaking NAP.

Real job…my ass

Tuesday, December 28th, 2004

Oh no….poor poor me. Someone who is unable to leave a real name or email decides I need to get a real job to pay my bills.

What the fuck was I thinking, not getting a “real job?”

Hey, D, have you ever thought that if I go and get my “real job” that I would be spending ALL my money to pay for childcare?

Seeing that your IP address 80.200.12.175 is in the Netherlands, perhaps you aren’t privy to what American child care is. Around here, we’d pay over $800 a month for someone to watch MY CHILD FOR ME WHILE I GO AND SIT IN A SHITTY OFFICE, HATING MY JOB.

So? NO.

As for what I’m doing not being a “real …

No need to call CPS….

Wednesday, December 22nd, 2004

…While I’m supposed to be cleaning the kitchen…

I think that someone should create a new line of products to help parents out. No…not things like Jumparoos but items that are necessary for a parent to keep his or her sanity.

First, I’d like to have the “Keep the baby lying down on her back” device. It could be a bungee cord or velcro…but we need something to keep Ellie on her back in her crib. I mean, as much FUN as it is to roll over on to one’s belly, if you don’t feel the need to roll onto your back and instead, choose to scream this weird high pitched whiny/nasaly noise until someone rolls you BACK over….well, let’s not go …

Partying Jesus style…

Friday, December 10th, 2004

Tonight we are bringing The Baby to church. And, we’re not going with her! No, it is “Kids night out” which I find odd, because she isn’t a kid. She’s an “I suck on my own sock” baby and really could give a rats ass whether or not she has a night out.

In fact, I think she’d prefer a night in with Mommy and Daddy.

So, “Parents Night Out” is tonight, as we all know this is a thinly veiled attempt at “ministering” to the masses by teaching our little ones about Jesus and we’ve got stuff to do.

We’re probably going to see a movie. The Incrediables? Dinner? We don’t have time to do both. The deal is that …

Baby note

Thursday, December 9th, 2004

Note to baby: When you have a cold, it is not very nice to spit/cough on your mama’s face. Trust me on this one. We need to work on manners here. This isn’t cool.

PS: Comments? Still not working. But we’re working on it.

Shameful secret

Tuesday, December 7th, 2004

When you have a baby, you get into a routine. We have a morning routine that is becoming more common in our little household: Ellie wakes up at 7ish and I bring her into bed with me. I go back to sleep and hope that she does, too. Eventually, I will notice that her diaper is leaking all over our sheets. Then I go “Hmmm” and I move her a little out of the wet spot. Then I go back to sleep. Why? If she’s already leaked on my clean sheets, why change her now? I might as well get some sleep out of it.

Sit and wear a diaper

Thursday, December 2nd, 2004

So I go out to lunch with a friend today and my friend is self-described as “very angry.” Let’s just say she has EVERY right to be angry as she found her boyfriend cheating on her and when i say “cheating on her” I really mean porking some other chick.

ANYWAY- so we’re sitting there, over Mexican food, trying to decide the different levels of a breakup– such as denial, anger and then Being Really Pissed Off and Hitting The Ex-Boyfriend In A Bar And Getting Kicked Out Of The Bar.

Wow, I’m really glad I’m married. Phew.

So I find myself blurting out “You should see my therapist!” And she’s all “You have a therapist?” so I tell her about how crazy …

An Entire Post About Boobies…

Tuesday, November 30th, 2004

I am watching “The View” on television as I wait for my early lunch of noodles to get ready and The Boob Nazi was on television, explaining breastfeeding.

If there is nothing that can make women feel guilty, it is the topic of breastfeeding.

I remember, back in April that I went to a breastfeeding class sponsored by Duke University Hospital. And I was scared shitless. (Note: I’m very bad at linking in my own blog. Hopefully you can read it.)

I Did Not Want To Do It. But I did. And it wasn’t as horrible as I expected it. I got used to it.

BUT BUT BUT BUT sometimes, breastfeeding doesn’t work for women. For whatever reasons– maybe it is …

Keeping it real(ly lame)

Friday, November 26th, 2004

Since I’m lame, I have to show you the lyrics from a Very Special Episode of The Family Guy.

Oh my fat baby loves to eat
A big old budda belly and a breast wing past the feet
My fat baby loves to eeeaaat
My big old fat ass baby loves to eat

Something awful this way comes

Sunday, November 21st, 2004

When you have a child, people will ask you questions about how different life is. Sure, you don’t sleep as much and you learn to have little to no personal time and words like “latch” and “poop” become part of your daily vocabulary.

But they don’t tell you about the other stuff. Things like how you can learn to poop in a matter of 2.5 seconds, 2.0 seconds if you’re really in a hurry. They don’t mention that when you go to a store, you will scan the parking lot, looking for a perfect spot that is 1. not surrounded by other cars and 2. near a shopping cart for easy access.

I’ll get a shopping cart for a gallon of milk …

Life is good.

Friday, November 19th, 2004

A year ago today, I remember being so upset at work. I had recently gotten in trouble while there and I remember saying how much I wanted to quit, how much I hated it.

Here’s a quote: (sorry about the question marks instead of the apostrophies)

I�ve been formally reprimanded, which is the last stage before firing.
I told him the truth. I�m pregnant, am learning to deal with all that goes with this, am tired of the job, feel that I�m being picked on because I�m different, yadda yadda yadda. I told him I�m already looking elsewhere for employment. He understands. Being different here isn�t accepted. Being 23 (24 tomorrow), writing features and being pregnant isn�t very good, either.
Maybe this …

Irish Humping Bunnies

Friday, November 19th, 2004

So, I have another website, one that is my “personal” website where my family is allowed to come and look at a “Grandma-okay” version of what I normally say. Basically, I chronicled my pregnancy from week to week (from week 4 to 40! With pictures!) on there and now there are pictures of Ellie and her updates for grandparents and aunts and whoever else in my family reads it.

Do you know how hard it is to come up with something grandma acceptable? For me? Very, very hard.

Anyway, the domain is almost up and I think it is time to switch the name to something else. Only problem? ALL THE DAMN DOMAINS ARE TAKEN.

All the good ones, anyway.

Okie dokie. I’ve …

WYS is NOT WYG

Wednesday, November 17th, 2004

Here is a tip for people who may ever be around babies: BE CAREFUL.

So I bet you are looking at these two photos and you think that the first one is all nasty. As in “Eww, that baby has something on its face and it is yuck.” And you may be looking at the second picture and think “Look at that little baby, with nothing on its face.”

But you are WRONG. The first baby may have boob cereal on the face, but the second one has GERMS. Germs are bad.

The problem with little babies is that they are sneaky. That second baby convinced me to kiss her on the lips multiple times, even though I knew she had a …

Ellie! Bad Ellie!

Monday, November 15th, 2004

Dear Ellie,

Okay, I can try and deal with the fact that you woke up FOUR times last night and screamed like it was going out of style. (By the way, if something is going out of style, I don’t want to be using it.) I’ll deal, even though you knew we were going to wake up early to drive Daddy to work to see if we could do this whole one-car household thingie.

But one side of my nose is stuffed up and it is DRIVING ME NUTS. If you give me your cold….let’s not go there, shall we?

Love,
Your Mama

The entry that I type with my boobie hanging out

Friday, November 12th, 2004

I remember, BB, that is, Before Baby, that it was not uncommon for both me and The Hubs to wear a shirt and then hang it back up for another wearing.

Why would we wash a shirt after only one wear? I mean, hello, it was a perfectly FINE shirt unless it smelled funny or had a stain of coffee, tomato sauce or blood on it. And even then, the blood could be hidden and I’d wear it again.

But now? We always have loads of laundry to do. Why? BECAUSE OUR SHIRTS ARE ALWAYS COVERED IN BABY FLAVORED DROOL OR SPIT-UP OR WHO KNOWS WHAT ELSE COMES OUT OF A BABY’S MOUTH.

My clothes seem confused. Why am I putting them in …

Oh no!

Friday, November 12th, 2004

How to scare my husband:

Have the thought “I could totally have another kid once this one is potty trained.”

I have a feeling he’ll keep her in diapers till she’s twelve now.

Ellie, month four.

Thursday, November 11th, 2004

Dear Ellie,

Tomorrow you turn four months old. I remember when I was pregnant and I hit the four month mark and it seemed like I had FOREVER to go. And now you’re here and I wonder how did I ever go all that time without knowing you?

Your third month has definately been a month of firsts.

You now stand. And when I say “stand” I mean stand up by only holding onto my thumbs. Walking is any minute dear. I can tell. The standing up thing is cute and all, but do we really have to play Stand Up Time all day long? Wouldn’t you like to sit? Or lay?

You also got a first haircut as that whole raggedy baby hair …

Passing the bar…

Tuesday, November 9th, 2004

The problem with hanging out with people who you knew in college is that most of the meetings will involve alcohol. Well, the alcohol isn’t the problem, as I figured out this past weekend, when we met up at two friends’ house (they are married) and watched the A&M VS OU football game on their really big TV.

At first, they only had beer, which I don’t drink, so it seemed like it would be another boring football game for SJ. But then! Then! Oh, they brought out the frufru drinks. The margaritas!

I am a SUCKER for margaritas. At first, I was like “Woah this is a crazy margarita” but the more I drank, the better it became. Surprise, surprise.

I could …

Please excuse my “S” button as it isn’t working…

Thursday, October 28th, 2004

No one ever said it would be easy to be a parent.

In case you don’t know, I’m not a big fan of the “cry it out” method. I don’t like it when Ellie cries, something my “therapist” insists that I have to get over. I’ll rock and swing and cuddle and hold and walk and feed that baby, all so she doesn’t have to cry.

But sometimes she cries and I can’t stop it. And it SUCKS. I don’t like the crying! I want to make the crying stop!

Today I am trying a revised version of the cry it out method. It is the put her in the bedroom and then after I hear the cries over all the noises …

Archie Bather

Monday, October 25th, 2004

My Dad has a tendency to watch certain TV shows ad nauseum. One time, we were watching an episode of “All In The Family,” and I have to admit, it was my first time to see this show, and Archie Bunker decided to go and secretly baptize his grandchild.

It was a big deal because his son-in-law, Meathead, didn’t believe in God and didn’t want the baby baptized.

We went to my Dad’s house on Friday night to spend the night before dropping the kid off with my sister to go to Astroworld. The Hubs had already gone to bed before my Dad and Stepmother got home from their outing (see? I told you we were old!) and Ellie and …

One more note

Sunday, October 24th, 2004

Note to My Husband:

If your wife is using a manual breast pump in a crowded parking lot and you want to HELP, I have a few tips for you. Please do not jerk the thing in your utter excitement because “milk is coming out!” The nipple is normally attached to my body and I’d like to keep it that way.

By the way, you haven’t lived until you’ve been “pumped” while surrounded by people eating chips in minivans.

The Milk Made Me Do It

Friday, October 22nd, 2004

Okie dokie. We’ve got a problem. Tomorrow, The Hubs, our friend The Guy Who Craps In Bathtubs, his girlfriend and Me/I/Yours Truly are going to ASTROWORLD!

The problem? So are my boobies.

You see, we are driving to Boremont, I mean, Beaumont (where my Dad lives) to drop off the kiddie with my sister. So that means the kiddie will be with someone else.

Are you following?

And my boob pump is electric. And we don’t have a manual one and we really don’t have the money to buy one just for ONE DAY. Am I supposed to milk myself into a plastic cup in the bathroom?

What do I do?

Seeing a whole new side of me.

Thursday, October 21st, 2004

Note to my husband: If you are going to make home movies of your baby and send them to your parents, perhaps, just perhaps, you should check the video to make sure that your wife’s nipple isn’t accidentally hanging out of her tank top.

Our early morning…

Thursday, October 21st, 2004

Update: We are back from the Upper GI test. Ellie did EXCELLENT. The nurse said she was the best kid she has seen this week and she saw a lot of kids this week. She didn’t cry too much while waiting (since she couldn’t eat she was STARVING) it was more whining. Then they gave her the barium milkshake and man, did she drink that shit up.

It was like “Umm! Barium! I LOVE Barium! And x-rays? I’m soooo totally into those!” In fact, she was laughing during the x-rays.

Who is this weird kid and how did she get so happy?

Anyway, she does have reflux but I’m going to have to wait to hear back from the doc to …

Life can’t get any more boring…

Wednesday, October 20th, 2004

This is the face of someone who can’t take her shower because the baby is asleep.*

*I can’t take the shower because THEN she will wake up and cry real tears and my child-free time will be ended AND I’ll have to run around naked and wet to try and calm her down. So I must wait until she is awake and satisfied and back down for another nap before I do my daily duty.

Barry Yum!

Wednesday, October 20th, 2004

Up until a week ago, Ellie was an all-around happy, chill baby. Didn’t cry much and if she did, it was because she was hungry or wet. Plain and simple. Then, last week, something changed. She started crying. Straining, grunting, arching her back and straightening her legs until she was rigid.

Then she’d look at me and cry. Her face would get really red and she’d have a look of total pain on her face.

So I brought her to the doctor the day before yesterday. And after waiting FOREVER, the doctor came in. Of course, Ellie acted her normally cute and happy self, to which the doctor always exclaims in her Indian (dots not feathers) accent “What a happy baby! A …

Yearly round-up

Friday, October 15th, 2004

I had a big ol’ post prewritten out because this is a very important week. A year ago this week, I got knocked up. Of course, we wouldn’t find out for a few more weeks but it happened this week. Why? NATURAL FAMILY PLANNING.

Here’s a tip for the wise: Do not use it if you are using it not to get pregnant. You will get knocked up.

So instead of going through all the boring mumbo jumbo I wrote down, I’m gonna wrap this year up for you nice and neat. So, without further ado:

The Sarcastic Journalist’s Guide To Pregnancy, Childbirth and Beyond:

1. Try and come up with a good way to tell your baby daddy that you …

Pats self on back…

Thursday, October 14th, 2004

I can’t get over how beautiful she is. I mean, hello, this is my child and I made something pretty!

Ass kickings, part 1,349

Tuesday, October 12th, 2004

I’m trying to be positive and fight this whole nagging sadness that sometimes overwhelmes me. I have an appointment with my crazy doctor tomorrow to go over some of the “issues” that I have.

I’m starting to think that I need meds for this, however. I’ve had troubles falling asleep, I’ve had moments where I’m just sitting here and the sadness hits and I know the funk is coming on. I’m trying to fight it and not let it overcome me like it has in the past.

One way I’m doing it is by going on a walk. It is FINALLY fall-like weather here, according to the weather channel it is 77 degrees Farenheit. For some of you, I’m sure …

Ellie, Month Three.

Sunday, October 10th, 2004

Dear Ellie,

Tomorrow you will be three months old! We’ve made it through that whole “newborn” thing. As much fun as we’re having with you becoming more interactive, I still feel a little sad that I’m losing my brand spanking new baby.

Let me tell you, you are becoming so beautiful, pictures do not do it justice.

During this past month, you have discovered that you have legs and you spend a lot of time with your legs up in the air, swinging around for all to see. It’s really cute, like, “Hey! I have legs! Lookey here!”

I never realized it was possible to love something so little so much. I find myself missing you when we put you down for the night …

Milky skin!

Sunday, October 10th, 2004

You know, I could pretend that I had a nice milk bath from a fancy day spa this morning. But I have a feeling milk baths don’t occur at 7am and in my bed. I also have a feeling they don’t happen when a baby vomits on your boobie (No, it wasn’t spitup).

But, my boobie, my bed and Ellie all got covered with an oddly refreshing warm boob milk bath today. Perhaps it shall be good for my skin?

I spot you

Wednesday, October 6th, 2004

Something odd happens when you become a “Breeder.” You begin to worry. And fret. And groom your child. And worry about grooming or not grooming your child.

First off, let me say that Elliebear is sporting what I have a feeling is about to become one righteous mullet. I do not have any pictures of said mullet right now, but let me tell you, it is there. And it is FUNNY. She still has all the hair on the top of her head but it has become a lighter brown. Like coffee with a lot of cream in it.

The hair in the middle/back/sides is starting to fall out, leaving a lot of scalp showing underneath. Blonde hair is growing in right …

Sweet Poot Pee

Tuesday, October 5th, 2004

Today I noticed that Ellie smelled odd when I changed her diaper. Figuring it was either the diaper/pee or her butt, I took a sniff of the wet diaper. Nothing. So I lift her legs and smell her bare butt.

At that moment, my child decided to fart. I felt the little poo air hit me in the face. It was a very sweet moment.

Swollen egos

Monday, October 4th, 2004

I have an announcement to make, Internet. I am officially one size bigger than I was pre-pregnancy. One size! That’s it!

We went out this weekend and I bought some clothes! Why? Because those blue shorts I wear all the time (and have on right now) have to go.

We went to Anthropologie, which happens to be my FAVORITE store, probably because I can’t afford ANYTHING in there. The Sister held The Baby and I browsed through the sale rack because that’s all I can afford!

And know what I found in there? Know? I found the reason I initially walked into Anthropologie back in July. I found the sailboat skirt.

THE SAILBOAT SKIRT, PEOPLE! I may not have enough money to go on …

My waffle baby…

Monday, October 4th, 2004

In case you haven’t noticed, I’m tweaking my blog. But, the show must go on, eh?

I remember hearing, before the baby rode down that log ride known as my vagina, that if you plan on breastfeeding, you will leak.

Not just leak, but leak when your, or any other, baby cries. Heck, you’ll probably leak when you hear crying on that Extreme Home Makeover show when they see their fancy new shower.

So I expected for my boobies to leak once this child was born. But they didn’t!

At first, I thought that I had the best boobies ever. Heck, they may fall into the Extremely Large Category, but they don’t leak! No leak!

And as I go about this whole boob feeding thing, …

Back to what’s real….

Thursday, September 30th, 2004

This is what I call “multitasking.”

Ellie is learning to blog, too.

Hey! No pictures!

Watch out world. We’re two of a kind. Yes we are.

So schlumped.

Monday, September 27th, 2004

This is the true story, of one woman, picked to birth a baby and have her life blogged. Find out what happens when she stops looking good and starts being a schlump.

The real world. Bloggy Style.

I remember, back in the day, I used to match my clothing.

Note the large T-shirt. It’s The Hubs’ because MY shirts don’t fit. Can you guess why? Two words: THE GIRLS.

This is the lower version. I don’t mind the shoes and the socks, but I have to give you the whole enchilada.

Today the Hubs stayed home from work because he was sick. We were ALL sick this weekend, but that is another story in its own. So in between sick naps, I got him …

Pics! Pics!

Sunday, September 26th, 2004

I tried to take a few pictures of the child tonight. Needless to say, she didn’t feel like cooperating. Turns out that I was getting in the way of her TV watching.

(ALL PICTURES DELETED)

Where’s my damn cookie?

Friday, September 24th, 2004

Just because I’m not ungrateful enough…

I planned on getting lunch today. Out. As in, “Hey, while I’m out grabbing lettuce for our dinner, I’ll stop and get a burger on the way because that is something I never do and I’d REALLY like a burger right now.”

Why? Because my body is probably saying to me “Damnit, go get a burger because I am being neglected."*

Can you guess who didn’t get the burger? Can you guess who didn’t get breakfast OR lunch except for a jello cup I just ate because I’ve been too busy? ME!!

I’m going to admit something to you, Internet People.

I have a bad case of jealousy. Not just that, but I’m doing a thankless job, which …

Pacify Me.

Tuesday, September 21st, 2004

Even though my child has only been awake for 1.5 hours tops since she first rose this morning…I couldn’t blog.

No blog. Can’t blog. No topic. Too stupid.

And then, while making the chocolate silk torte for dessert because That Stupid Waiter Lied to Me and Said the Cake Didn’t Have Nuts When I Thought It Did And The Cake Did So He Ruined My Dessert Sunday So I Get A New One….I thought of a topic.

I hate the word “Binky.”

Not until recently did I understand what a “Binky” was. I always thought of them to be like blankies. As in, you can’t say “blankie” but you can say “binkie.”

My family always referred to them as “NuNus.” As in “New-New.” However, before …

I’m so gonna get egged

Monday, September 20th, 2004

Oh my gosh. I don’t know what came over me just now, but I just turned into That Lady Who Stands In The Doorway, Screaming About Her Baby.

Okie dokie. Got the kid down for a nap, after she only woke up 1,009 times in the process of doing so. Starting to do some laundry, including The Worlds Nastiest Boob Milk and Baby Pee Stained Sheets. (Don’t judge. I don’t like them nasty, I just don’t have the damn time.)

I’m busying myself, sterilizing bottles and pumpies in boiling water when I hear it. “I’m right here!”

Okay, I think. They’re calling to each other. I’m in an apartment and I’ll let it slide.

“I’m right here! I’m right here! I’m right behind you!”

Good …

Animal husbandry

Tuesday, September 14th, 2004

Husbands. God bless them. Especially mine.

The poor dude wakes up early every morning to drive 1 hour away to go to work, where he works all day long just to make the trek back. And when he gets here, he is greeted by ME saying “Please please take the baby.”

And, after visiting the bathroom, which is always interrupted by me standing outside shouting “If you’re done you better get out here!” he comes out to hold the baby so I can do what I want.

You see, the problem arises when I know what she wants/needs and he gets confused. He is not with her all day. He may see a hand enter the mouth and think she is hungry when …

We went to the doctor today and all I got was this lousy bill.

Monday, September 13th, 2004

We went to the doctor today for Ellie to get her shots. Plenty of people have already posted about the shots: The baby cries and not just any cry. It is an “I hate you, you stupid, stupid person who forsakes me” cry.

I think the fun part of the day was the Doctor. We’ll call her “Doctor Model” or perhaps “Model Doctor” since that was what she looked like. Lady was all young and pretty and well-dressed in a fluffy skirt and pretty shirt and had nice hair too.

That should be against the law, especially if she is dealing with the parents of infants. I mean, hello, I woke up late so no shower before I left and I have …

Two months! Two months!

Sunday, September 12th, 2004

Hey Ellie,

They say it’s your birthday! Okay, two month birthday anyway, but you’ve never celebrated it before so that means it is SPECIAL.

Two months ago, you were born! And now you are my crazy, beautiful, happy little baby.

So far, this month, you have discovered the fine art of squealing and babbling and cooing and laughing and making some noise that sounds like the letter “K” with a little spit added in for good measure.

You have a pretty voice, you know.

You’re holding your head up nicely which means that at any moment you will figure out how to drive and then we will have to start hiding the car keys. You can put pressure on your legs so sometimes we pretend …

My boobs do not get a vacation.

Saturday, September 11th, 2004

Today me, my child, my husband, his extended family and my boob went to the lake.

You didn’t think I’d go to the lake without my boob, did you???

There is a funny thing about going on vacation when you have a little one. Your boobie also has to come along. And much like that annoying female family member who always packs too much for an overnight trip, my booby has baggage.

It has to bring a pump. And a bra. And another bra. And they are not any bras, but special bras that have special flaps that let you whip the tata out at any moment in case the need arises.

The need always arises.

The problemo with these special bras is that they …

She wears nothing but she wears it so well…

Friday, September 3rd, 2004

She who rules the roost:

Somebody call CPS! They’re abusin’ that baby!

Ellie is practicing karate in case a sibling comes along.

Just me, Ellie, a toy and “the girls".

Run run run as fast as you can, you can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man!

Friday, September 3rd, 2004

I tried to go running yesterday.

Long pause.

You know where this is going.

I haven’t run since last November, when my boobs, which some people enjoy pictures of and others don’t, got so big and painful that it was not possible to jog for even one mile.

You see, I’m a runner, always have been, always will be until my knees say no more. I like to run. I ran cross country and track. Enjoy it. A lot.

But yesterday? Ugg, I have absolutely NO abdominal muscles and my thighs pretty much felt like jell-o. My lungs weren’t out of shape, surprisingly, no it was just my poor tired body.

It wanted me to stop. It wanted ice cream and for me …

Ding ding ding

Wednesday, September 1st, 2004

Today’s five alarm crappy diaper brought to you by Ellie in the middle of a Bank of America.

Letterman, watch out!

Wednesday, September 1st, 2004

Lets pretend that I could go around tomorrow and act just like a baby acts.

1. You hand me food. I look at it. Put the fork in my mouth. And then scream.
2. Start shaking my head back and forth until you get me a different type of fork. When you are not looking, well, I’ll let the food slide out of my mouth onto my shirt.
3. Pee my pants. Scream until somebody does SOMETHING about it. Perhaps if I’m being extra frisky, I’ll pee on your couch or bed and not tell you about it.
4. Wait until you start talking sweetly to me and then make a face and scream.
5. Poop my pants. Wait until you do something …

I can’t stop posting pictures

Thursday, August 26th, 2004

I like big butts and I cannot lie…

Sleepppppppp……Glorious sleep!

The smiles!!! Let me tell you about the smiles!

We so love each other. Seriously. We’re TOTALLY best friends.

I TOLD you my boobs were big. This is what happens when big ones get even bigger!

SSSSHHH! She’s sleeping! In her crib! Alone!

Wednesday, August 25th, 2004

To continue on about my “interesting” parenting tatics…

I often find myself walking around the house with one boob hanging out. I mean, it keeps it in easy reach so she’s not giving me that Look while I fumble with the nursing bra. Guys, you have troubles unhooking the bra while getting it on? Imagine trying to undo a clasp while a furiously hungry baby bats at your tata with clenched fists.

I often sing this song to my baby. I find it quite funny. Why? Because I’ve never even smoked a cigarette, better yet do drugs. I consider it teaching her what she shouldn’t do.

Her bedroom? Our new laundry room. We have about 1 month’s worth of laundry sitting …

Pictures, we’ve got pictures!

Wednesday, August 18th, 2004

Thanks to Auty, all yall have to see pictures of my glorious offspring.

I start my day off by chasing my child around with the Eeyore doll.

Then I teach her how to do the “sexy” pose. (Note: she did this on her own. She’s so smart. And so sexy.)

Then we practice our “happy” face.

Then we all go on a walk together on the country club golf course. We’re teaching her to totally disregard the rules at an early age.

After that, we fall asleep. (Note to freaker outers: We do not sleep together in the bed like this. I fell asleep while feeding her. Please put down your phone. You need not call CPS.)

Feeding both bodies and souls

Wednesday, August 18th, 2004

“You should be happy,” said my sister as I boxed up the remnants of my fajitas. “She’s a good baby. Madison was never like that.”

As a whole, today was a good day when it comes to road trips with a baby. After visiting my grandmother and having lunch with my sister and stepmother, having Ellie’s first visit to a funeral home and a visit to my cousin, we made the trip back to Houston.

After a brief rainstorm, we made our way through the East Texas countryside, hightailing it back to Houston so we’d be back home before The Hubs did so.

Somewhere in the little town of Liberty did it start. The crying. It started out as it always did, with …

Month One Review

Thursday, August 12th, 2004

Dear Ellie,

Today you are one month old! That is a longer lifespan than many bugs and new Fox sitcoms! One month ago today, I was lying in a hospital bed, chowing down on hospital food while sporting a bad case of Shenuts. You, my little girl, were just figuring out what it means to live in this crazy world.

It has been one crazy month for us. I’ve had more poop on my hands and feet and legs and pants and I’m pretty sure not all of it was from you. I’ve had to deal with more erratic sleeping patterns and have learned that all the nighttime news programs are pretty informal, that’s why they are on when nobody watches them, …

You can tell everybody that this is your song…

Wednesday, August 11th, 2004

I hope you don’t mind, I hope you don’t mind…that I put down into words. How wonderful life is now you’re in the world.

you’ve already won me over in spite of me
don’t be alarmed if i fall head over feet
don’t be surprised if i love you for all that you are
i couldn’t help it
it’s all your fault

you are the bearer of unconditional things
you held your breath and the door for me
thanks for your patience

you’re the best listener that i’ve ever met
you’re my best friend
best friend with benefits
what took me so long

i’ve never felt this healthy before
i’ve never wanted something rational
i am aware now
i am aware now

From the peanut gallery…

Wednesday, August 11th, 2004

So in honor of the fact that I’ve been a Mom for a month now (tomorrow) and that it seems as if 1st time Mom Stacey has just gone into labor, I’m going to give my own child-rearing tips.

So, without further ado…

Tips for the 1st time parent from someone whose only qualification is she has done it for a month now:

1. Before you put the baby down “for the night” make sure she is well fed and changed. And when I say well fed, I mean just one ounce short of puking. It’ll get you some extra sleep.

2. Speaking of sleep, forget it the first week. Just forget it.

3. If you feed from the boobie, I highly suggest using …

there she goes again

Thursday, August 5th, 2004

I’m going to be honest here. Last night, as I finally climbed into bed around 11ish, I started crying.

I mean, that’s pretty good for me considering that before the baby came, I cried about every 2.5 seconds. I know that I had good reason to cry– I was pregnant for one thing, which means that all the bad hormones in the world had come and taken over my body and forced me to think sad thoughts at all times.

I also had been fired and knew that I would have to sell my house and having to deal with all those issues plus moving plus insurance plus everything else that comes along in life.

So when I had the baby and the …

More fun! More pictures!

Wednesday, August 4th, 2004

My world in a nutshell.

This is the fun Mommy gets to have:

Midnight barfy fun!

Scared shitless fun!

This is the fun Daddy gets to have:

Sleeping in the bed fun!

Sleeping on the couch fun!

He doesn’t get to have all the fun. I get:

Lovin’ the baby fun!

I’d show all the fun poopy diapers he changes..but well, that’s just vulgar.

The Manic Pooping Furby

Wednesday, August 4th, 2004

I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to change the name of this site. Of course, I’m not being serious, but for shits and giggles, lets pretend I am.

So, sorry Java Diva, I’m now becoming Mommy Needs Prozac. She also needs a nice strong margarita.

Today, The Sarcastic Journalist goes to a chiropractor. Hilarity ensues.

Yes, I brought the Furby to the chiro with me, figuring that since she is the cause of all the horrible back pain I have been putting up with, that she should be there when someone tries to adjust it so I can sleep without shooting back pain.

She normally sleeps when we go out, from the second we leave until the minute I get home. I mean, …

Beware of the Rubber Band man!

Tuesday, August 3rd, 2004

I’m still bathing. Yes, you read that right. I always heard how “new moms” “never could find the time to bathe” and I thought that was plain out wrong. I mean, not bathing, to me, is on the same level as genocide and nuclear war.

A girl has gotta bathe.

So when my little Bear came along, I insisted that I would bathe. And I have, every single damn day. Sometimes I bathe with a little Furby sitting screaming in her car seat on the floor while I feverishly try to wash my pits and crotch because a clean mama is a Godly mama and a Godly mama doesn’t leave her kid asleep on her belly on the couch so she …

What has become of my life?

Friday, July 30th, 2004

“Please don’t wake up Ellie, because Mamma needs to take a dump.”

Da boob, da boob, da boob, da boob….

Wednesday, July 28th, 2004

Good Lawd, I need to stop writing about Dooce. This girl is like the Utah version of me and I’m not lying or being “Hey I’m cool because I wanna be like Dooce.” I mean, gee, we both got fired and we both have babies and even though her’s looks like a “frog” and ours is more monkey…we have much in common.

Such as cabbage in the bra.

When I first “had my milk come in,” a phrase I absolutely hate with all of my hating skills, my boobies became rock hard. I mean, to begin with, before this whole sperm joining egg fun, I was 5′5, 133 pounds and 34DD boobies.

Those are big boobies.

I had to go and buy …

I give that one a 2

Tuesday, July 27th, 2004

Does it make me a bad mamma if I watch “A Baby Story” with my child and critique the births on there out loud?

What about reading to her from US Weekly about the lives of Justin and Cameron?

Baby love..

Monday, July 26th, 2004

I went back through Dooce’s archives to this post about boobage and breastfeeding and breast milk…which I lovingly refer to as boob juice. Dude, I totally understand.

I’ve spent the past two weeks with a little munchkin permanently attached to my boobie, gnawing at it, scratching at me, sleeping and mocking me when I try to set her down because I THINK she’s asleep.

You know what I’ve found myself thinking more than once? I’m happy. Truly happy. So what I don’t have a job and that some dildo coworker ratted me out? So what if I didn’t get my unemployment money? So what if I live in the “ghetto” apartments and I don’t get to live in the nice places with …

They’re extra absorbant, you know…

Friday, July 23rd, 2004

My doctor told me that I’m on “pelvic rest” for 6 weeks. That means no tampons, no sex. Ha, like I’d like to do the latter.

My friend Shannon comes over today and asks if I’m still bleeding. I say yes. She asks if I’m wearing pads or those diapers from the hospital. I say pads and tell her what the doc said about tampons.

“Yeah, like they have tampons that big. I’d have to shove a roll of toilet paper up there just to plug up the hole.”

More pics

Friday, July 16th, 2004

Woo hoo! A bath! I love holding slimy babies!

I hope her belly button stays this way. It will ensure her career in swimsuit modeling.

My Baby Daddy.

My boobies make the baby drunk.

I got that funny feeling, that you don’t love me anymore…

Thursday, July 15th, 2004

I’m sooo glad this whole feeding thing is working out well. Insert sarcasam here.

Nah, I don’t MIND the feedings and the breastfeeding isn’t half as horrid as I planned on it being, but seeing as I am sitting here with CABBAGE covering my big huge boobies and a breast pump that can’t pump anything out because obviously, my milk prefers to stay with me, I’m ready for things to start working.

Actually, the cabbage makes a nice bra because my already large boobs are now so big that they require their own zip code to get mail.

I better stop talking about said boobs or the baby is going to hear me and then she is going to come over …


My Flickr photos.