Archive for the 'Class participation time.' Category

I’m voting for the one without the vagina

Wednesday, September 7th, 2005

Thought of the Day:

If your child is acting like The Spawn of Satan, how do you decide which parent is, in fact, the devil?

Step Away From the Computer

Tuesday, July 19th, 2005

We’re leaving tonight for Tulsa, also known as The Land of Tornadoes. Leaving home is always good because sometimes you stay at home too long and you start to go crazy.

First things first. I need to step away from “A Baby Story.” I seriously feel like slapping the self righteous biznitches on that show on a daily basis. The show has made me utter very bad words while holding my child. I can’t help it. If someone is all gung ho on having a drug free labor and then, during birth, asks for drugs, saying later on that you “really didn’t want the drugs, that’s just what you say at the end of labor.” Well, that makes me want to …

Two Snips or Not Two Snips. This is a Question.

Saturday, June 25th, 2005

I’ve had many people ask me what I think this baby will “be.” As in weiner or cooter. Innie or outie. It’s one of the fun parts of getting pregnant, along with buying “maternity underwear,” getting to guess the gender sex of the child.

I try to explain to people that I have this “sense” about my babies. I always imagined myself having a boy and then a girl, but the second I got pregnant with Ellie, I knew it was a girl. Then I decided I’d have two girls but a few weeks into this pregnancy, I thought “boy.”

I know, I know, you don’t understand. It’s like my vagina knows. I mean, who else besides my vagina has an …

Ass

Thursday, June 23rd, 2005

Hey, did you know I have a stick up my ass? Turns out, according to the internet, I do!

What’s up your ass?

PS: I Google Imaged “Stick up Ass” and found this. Funny.

Get it while its hot

Tuesday, April 12th, 2005

Okay, I’m trying to get the 1st edition of Houston Normal Bloggers That Don’t Suck Meeting up and running and I need places to go.

I figured we’d do it on a Saturday, late afternoon/early evening in Houston. Somewhere were we could eat and or get a drink. Somewhere you can also bring a baby as Miss E wants to come.

Ideas?

Foodie Foodicus

Tuesday, April 5th, 2005

I have this one cousin, we shall call this cousin Artificial Insemination Girl, whose mother never made her eat anything. This child, who is really an early teen now, is the most picky thing on the face of the Earth.

If I remember correctly, she doesn’t even like ice cream. In fact, her tastes were so weird that I’m not sure if she actually eats food. She probably eats grass or something odd like that. Her Mom never made her eat dinner or lunch and if she didn’t want to eat it, well, she didn’t have to.

Way to pick out a sperm donor, Auntie.

Anyway, tomorrow I am going out for lunch with Cas and her Pod. We live …

Jewish is as Jewish Does

Wednesday, March 30th, 2005

It turns out that when I have a glass of something to drink that I can become what my husband likes to call “a pest.”

A pest does the “running man” in the brownie isle of the grocery store. A pest plays blow on the baby’s belly instead of walking around with the grocery cart. It also turns out that a pest grabs her husband’s crotch when he is sitting at a stop light.

(Editor’s Note: He says I can do the running man. He says that grabbing his genitals while he is driving is pesty.)

Anyway, so we’re sitting at the stop light and he says something on the line of “I am fuh-” and stops himself.

“I am fuh-king stupid,” I say. …

Yogurt Magazine

Wednesday, March 23rd, 2005

It seems as if everyone keeps telling me about that book “French Women Don’t Get Fat.” Are you people trying to tell me something? Huh? It seems kind of odd that EVERYONE keeps mentioning it to me.

I swear, if all of you start telling me about the wonders of gastric bypass, we’re going to have some issues to work out.

Anyway, I was over at my grandparents house this week, dropping off food for their dinner (my treat!) and the book came up. My grandma told me that the book discussed yogurt and how you should eat it often. Well, its not going to happen because I hate yogurt. Instead, I feed it to the baby.

So my grandma says that the …

Of blogs and blogging…

Wednesday, March 9th, 2005

Last night, I went out with Miss Fab and a new guy, who we shall call Special K.

Both Miss Fab and Special K are bloggers. Do you know how great it is to go out with people who like to do the same things you do? When nobody else understands why you spend your time writing on the internet, other bloggers understand.

Even better when you talk to other bloggers? Blogging gossip. You can get all the good gossip if you talk to the right people.

These people can understand what’s going on. It feels good. Y even called me last night to make sure I was okay.

Awesome.

I’m doing good today. Surprisingly. I do have a busy day ahead but will …

Boobs of Titanic Proportions

Friday, February 25th, 2005

I have always worn a two-piece bathing suit, except for when I HAD to wear a one piece in lifeguard training class. The funny thing is that I’ve always been self conscious of my belly as it is a little flabby. Basically, to put it nicely, I gain weight in the middle.

I am also self conscious of my boobies. Pregnancy and boob feeding have only made my boob paranoia grow worse. It is hard to find shirts that fit. My old bathing suits? Forget about it.

So I went online and bought a bathing suit. A red one piece halter-style bathing suit from J Crew. It was, however, on sale so I couldn’t return it.

No biggie, I thought. It had …

Oh so quiet…

Wednesday, February 23rd, 2005

I never realized how boring I can be until I stayed at home all day without tv. I’m telling you, I’m going crazy. The baby? Is screaming. The house? Is quiet. My email? Gets checked every ten seconds.

I’m having Dr. Phil and Sit and Be Fit withdrawls.

Last night we played Scrabble. But we played the 2005 version, which meant we had Google on hand. Did you know you can come up with a word using the most random letters with google?

I won, thank you very much. Wait. What’s that sound? It is the sound of this blog entry going down the tube as all my collective readers opt to go read something interesting.

So, since I’ve pretty much lost my …

Quick Class Participation Time, Query Letter Style

Tuesday, February 15th, 2005

Do you think it is “not funny” to include the fact that sometimes a mom wants to sneak a little drinky in (while the baby is asleep) in letters to literary agents?

It seems as if some people (read: Not parents) think that I’m telling everyone to be an alcoholic. Or then again, maybe I’m just too frazzled today and read too far into criticism.

So? Anyone? Bueller?

I put semen-t in my vir-gina.

Tuesday, January 25th, 2005

Back in 2001, The Hubs, who was then the fiancee, and I went to Vancouver, BC. I remember, when we got there, I was surprised that the people in Canada spoke just like us in the US.

I’m not sure what I expected, but perhaps a top hat and an Olde English Accent? But no…just a regular run of the mill accent. I mean, I know Canada is just like America…well, except for this whole “hippy peace” thing and those Canadian mounties…but I expected it to be different.

Anyway, today I was at the post office and I heard a word pronounced in a way that made me want to poop my pants right there.

The lady behind the counter said “February” like …

De-lurking!

Wednesday, January 5th, 2005

As seen at Amalah and Paper Napkin… TODAY IS DELURKING DAY!

You. Yeah, you. Sitting in the cubicle, eating a lunch stolen from a coworker…you, the woman with 12 kids and a case of the ‘rhoids.

You’ve typed in the domain name. Perhaps you googled “Shenuts” as that is a common thing to do. You clicked on someone else’s link. Well, damnit. You better now stop and say “hi.”

And just so you don’t feel weird and tingly down there “delurking” we’ll have class participation time. Even if this is your first visit here and you were looking for pictures of “big titty mama milk leaking boobs” you should say something.*

Okay?

I’ll keep it simple: Where were you born?

I’ll go first…I was …

The New Etiquette

Wednesday, December 8th, 2004

There are etiquette books to tell you about most everything. Thank you cards? Important. Gum chewing? So-so.

But what about the etiquette books about the important things?

Today some uh, Hispanic people came to paint our dining room wall. Now being in Texas, I can be totally un PC and say “Mexican.” So, from now on, they are Mexican. Not Chilean or Guatamalan or anything else. Not even Spanish. Nope. MEXICAN.

Anyway the Mexicans come and knock on the door and are holding paint. And I’ve seen these guys before and I know they speak Spanish to each other. So I just say “Paint?” and they come in. And eventually, while my child is busy ingesting Clorox and I’m busy making coffee, …

Time for class participation again.

Thursday, September 16th, 2004

Okie, since I will be spending Friday eating lunch with my grandma and grandpa*– oh, we can ALL see where this is going–fun grandparent bitching time– it will become audience participation time once again.

Once again?!?! Damn, SJ. Get some freaking material.

*Note: I hope grandpa keeps his nuts in his shorts this time. Or get longer shorts.

So I was over here and she was writing about bloggers who get a lot of media attention.

Now, FYI, I usually don’t speak of other bloggers unless it is positive. Remember? I stay nice.

But, this should stay nice. So, who do you consider to be YOUR big name blogger? Or someone you never miss? I’m not saying go and point to Andrew Sullivan …


My Flickr photos.