Archive for the 'Potentially offensive material' Category

Think if I had HDTV!

Monday, August 22nd, 2005

Considering that I live in Texas, every once in awhile I get an “anon” comment that pretty much decides that I’m an SUV-driving, George W. Loving, gun carrying hick. I know it is HARD to imagine that someone in Texas doesn’t drive an SUV, own a gun or voted for W in 2004, but it happens.

I consider myself a pretty open-minded person. Now, that’s not to say I’m not judgemental sometimes; yes I can be pretty testy of the Major Haves here in town when I have to deal with biotchy 16-year-olds wearing Gucci and cutting me off on the road while multitasking in their new cars. Sue me. We all have our faults, I admit it.

Anyway, I …

Poop Should Go in the Potty.

Sunday, June 19th, 2005

During my last pregnancy, I had a weekly dialogue with my husband that went pretty much like this:

SJ: I do not want to have this baby through my cooter. I want a c-section.
Him: No. You will do it the other way. Its better for you! You don’t want surgery!
SJ: Yes, I want surgery.

This convo continued on up to the day I went into labor, when my dialogue became this:

SJ: I WANT A C-SECTION NOW. (whine. Cry. Pout.) PUHLEASE I CANT HAVE THIS BABY I CANT DO THIS I HATE EVERYONE CUT ME OPEN NOW.
Doctor: Drugs?
SJ: I LOVE YOU I WANT TO MAKE BABIES WITH YOU.

So, I got my drugs (Hello Trolls! I used drugs during labor and they …

White Honkey

Friday, May 6th, 2005

I think the first time I became aware of the media and news in general was when I was about eight. I sat in the front seat of our car and looked at the headline on the front page of the paper. It said something about the “Cold War” and I became very troubled thinking about bad people trying to do bad things to us.

Luckily, my child will never have to learn ANYTHING about the world because here in America, we have two things on the news. The Iraq War (boring blah blah) and Jennifer Wilbanks, the runaway bride (even more boring blah blah blah).

Besides the fact that the whole Runaway Bride story is SO OVERPLAYED, I’m really sick of …

History’s Mystery

Monday, April 25th, 2005

Every couple of months or so, I have to bring Miss E to the doctor so they can do her “well baby” checkup. For me, this means dressing and undressing my child and trying to change her diaper with the mobility of a stealth bomber while hoping she doesn’t fall off the exam table or ingest needles when I’m not looking.

How’s that for a run on sentence?

Anyway, each visit, my doctor, a very nice lady who oddly enough looks like my Mom, tells us things that should be happening. Things such as “you should start feeding the baby food…but not junk food.”

This most recent visit had her telling me that it was time to start the Sippy Cup. “Okay!” I …

Twattalk

Tuesday, April 12th, 2005

Hi! Would you like to hear about my vagina’s day? Today, my vagina woke up and it sat on the potty. I wiped my vagina very nicely and then covered it up with some underwear. Later on, my vagina got a bath where I used blue bodywash and a loofa.

My vagina is very clean.

What? You don’t want to hear about my vagina? Then why are you so up in my vagina’s business?

Basically, to make a long story short, Target had a maternity tshirt that said “An epidural is in my near future.” Then some women got all mad because it is SOOOO irresponsible and bad and all of us who have epidurals are going to have mutant babies and …

Would you like to join the Tijuana Yacht Club?

Saturday, April 9th, 2005

People always told me that I was an inquisitive little kid. My grandma used to tell a story that I asked if I could take an escalator to Heaven so I could see my sister. Damn, I was so cute that I want to make myself vomit.

Anyway, why is the sky blue, where are those police cars going, why are they doing road work…the list could go on and on. One question I don’t think I ever asked was “Where do babies come from?”

Well, dumbass, everyone knows that babies come from the stork. At least everyone who saw Dumbo.

I recently had a quick email exchange with MollieBee that reminded me of something I used to say a lot.

Mollie: We …

Cooter Creams

Wednesday, March 23rd, 2005

Have you ever had a moment where you question everything you believe in and begin to wonder “what the heck am I doing here?”

I had that moment at 3:45 am CST. We had originally planned on letting “the baby” cry herself back to sleep when she wakes up at night. Unfortunately for us, “the baby’s” screams were louder than the walls were thick and we heard it. And ignored it. And she screamed louder. It got to the point where we had to do something because the screaming wasn’t stopping.

We decide to have a half-assed sleepy conversation that went something like this: “What do we do?”

Okay, so I’m stupid. I went and got her and had her in bed with …

Schmientology

Saturday, March 5th, 2005

Every time I read one of my magazines, I tell myself that I should blog about it. Now, I could write about how US Weekly called a pre-anorexic Jessica Simpson (have you SEEN her lately?) “flabby,” or Halle Berry’s obvious nose job….but instead….

“Tom Cruise, 42, has set up a tent stocked with literature and pamphlets on his controversial religion, Scientoloty, on the set of Steven Spielberg’s War of the Worlds, starring Tim Robbins, 46, and Dakota Fanning, 11. Cruise’s rep explained “It’s a gift from Tom to the crew.”

Hey Tom. No offense, but I think they’d much rather just have the money than eternal damnation.

But that’s just me. Some of them might of liked to have a massuse instead.

The Perfect Mother?

Tuesday, February 8th, 2005

Some of you may not realize, but I’m busy trying to write a Parenting book.

Don’t laugh. Seriously. The deal is, I’m not writing a “Girlfriends Guide” or “What to Expect the First Year.” I’m writing a book on how it really is. The poop. The crying. The insanity.

Imagine my blog in a longer form. And written with a lot less typos.

Why do women feel they have to be perfect mothers? As I saw this morning on The View, you can dislike your job (well, except for me. I wasn’t allowed), you can dislike your husband, your house, but how dare you say you dislike something your children do?

That’s probably why Super Nanny and Nanny 911 are popular. We are all …

Special Education, alright.

Monday, February 7th, 2005

When I was in high school, I had a thing for Asian babies, little old men and dogs, in no particular order. In fact, if I could have had a farm for all things Asian baby/old men/dogs, I probably would have started one.

As I grew older, my love for little old men declined somewhat, I got my own baby who was not Asian and we had a dog that crapped on our floor.

Needless to say, I’m glad I didn’t start my farm.

We live in an uppity suburb of Houston, a magical place where all the White People live and drive around in their magical SUVs and talk on headset cell phones.

We also happen to live in an apartment, which …

The Power of Sports

Monday, February 7th, 2005

I had always considered my family to be the “do whatever you want” family. When I was in high school, my house was the one everyone wanted to go to because we could get away with murder.

Invited 32 girls over for a sleepover? NO PROBLEM!
Leave the house at 3am to throw ketchup covered maxi pads at some guy friends? SURE!
Invite 10 girls over at 8am for pancakes? WHY NOT?

When it came to college, however, my Mom went all Atilla The Hun on me. Started making all these rules about “not going to big colleges” and such. So my choice was between an all girls school in Missouri or Colorado Christian University.

Since I didn’t want to go to “lesbian school” (hey, …

The Pink Starfish

Thursday, January 20th, 2005

Uh oh! You better watch out! Our friendly sponge who lives in a pineapple under the sea has been outed as Gay.

Of course, I heard that Spongebob was gay in the past, when I heard the news that he was popular with gay men.

Let’s think about it. Pineapples are Big and Juicy. They’re HARD. And oblong. SpongeBob lives in a pineapple! That’s practically saying that he LIVES in a PENIS!

Speaking of penis…have you seen his friend Patrick?

Nothing says “weiner” than a big, pink starfish. And we all know that “chocolate starfish” is the term for poohole. And what is the preferred hole for gay men?

You know.

Is it me, or does he look like he wants to fist someone? And …

I’m totally going to go there.

Friday, January 14th, 2005

I have a quick thought that I want to tell you, but before I can tell you this thought, I must put an explanation on here to explain my reasoning.

First. It seems as if you are a white person, you’re not allowed to talk about black people. It’s like, if you’re white and the person you’re talking to is black, you shouldn’t point out that said person is black because it is crossing some boundary that should not be crossed.

I should know. I lived in Durham, NC also known as the Land of Racism.

Anyway. So there’s that boundary. And I’m totally crossing it with this one even though Society tells me that it is wrong to say anything about …

Support the rape? Stop the troops?

Thursday, December 30th, 2004

I remember, when I lived in NC, that a stop sign by my house had the words “Stop Rape” spraypainted on it. And I always felt that sign to be a little odd, as if people are going around spraypainting “Start Rape” on signs.

I think, as a whole, that most people are against rape. It is not a socially accepted activity. Yes, there are the seriously disturbed people who think rape is okay and use it as a power struggle, but as a whole, I do not believe that spraypainting “Stop Rape” on a stop sign will solve anything.

I often see “Support our troops” bumper stickers and I wonder if that is really needed. Especially here in Texas, where …

A Wave of Donations

Tuesday, December 28th, 2004

If THIS is true….well, I can hardly fathom it. I haven’t said much about this because obviously, we all know how horrific it is. How HORRIBLE. I can’t even grip my mind around the concept of 60K dead people.

BUT, that being said, this article annoys me. Yeah…we could probably give more, but well, I’m not in charge of handing out aid to other countries. But to say to raise my taxes to send more money?

WHAT? Huh? You want to raise my taxes? I understand that these people have lost everything. Seriously, I do. And I feel for them and I’m all about sending donations through the Red Cross or Doctors Without Borders or whoever. But if you raise my taxes …

My grandpappy said…

Wednesday, December 22nd, 2004

I had so many thoughts running through my head while reading this story about the Confederate flag prom dress.

First, let me say this. I do not find the Confederate flag to be “offensive” (as I am white) but I do find it of poor taste. To me, the second you wear your “Flag” on your shirt, prom dress or bumper sticker…I can only think two words: White Trash.

“Gee ma, we’re a runnin’ down to dem dere holler to pitch us up a barn! And after that, we’re gonna go hurt us some of those negras.”

Seriously. It is racist. You know that. It is White Trash. Do you know that? Seriously. Seriously.

Why in the sam hell would someone want …

Me Chinese, Me Play Joke…Me Put PeePee In Your Coke.

Tuesday, December 21st, 2004

Did you know that it is December? It is almost 2005! Know what that means? No…not New Years. No, not the “Big Ball Drop.”

It is time for me to buy another day planner!

Holy crap, I’m absolutely orgasmic thinking about it. In fact, if I had my day planner in here with me, I might grab it and rub it all over my naughty bits because I love me some day planners that much.

When I worked at the newspaper, I’d get free shit all the time. Like my current dayplanner. Now, it is in Chinese or some other “Asian” font and I had to go and rewrite all the dates correctly in it. It has made mistakes and wrote out the …

Not That There’s Anything Wrong With It…

Tuesday, December 7th, 2004

There are things in life I don’t understand. Things like that Gilligans Island reality show. Honestly, I totally don’t get it. I watch the commercials. I even TRIED to watch the television show.

But I didn’t get it. Just imagine me putting on my best little girl voice and tilting my head and dragging my shoe upon the ground while saying “I don’t get it!”

Wah!

Know what else I don’t understand? People who don’t understand that things should be black and white. Either you like boys or girls. Either you look like a boy or look like a girl. Either you are retarded or not retarded.

There’s something about people who don’t look like men or women. While we were at Pete’s …

“Mother, mother,” called Bambi.

Monday, November 22nd, 2004

You may or may not know this, but I absolutely HATE hunting. Now, I’m no hippie– I firmly believe that Organic means “full of bugs” but I think that hunting is absolutely barbaric.

Hey! Let’s get some guns and shoot Bambi’s mother! We’ll drink beer! And take pictures of the dead bodies!

But, what type of people are doing this activity? Doesn’t it scare you to think that this guy is allowed to get a gun and go and shoot little animals? And not just shoot little animals but shoot and kill FIVE OTHER PEOPLE over a hunting stand?

In my book, besides being a horrible asshole and evil person, this guy is just as bad as those people who kill people for …

The Virgin Sandwich

Tuesday, November 16th, 2004

I really don’t get the Catholic fascination with the Virgin Mary. Heck, I was Catholic until I was 12 and I don’t get it. (In case you’re wondering, I’m Baptist now. And I dance. And drink.)

But a Virgin Mary sandwich?

The weird thing is that she kept it on her bedside table. And she didn’t eat it. Man, if I go through all the motions of making a sandwich, I’m gonna eat it. I don’t care if Ghandi is on the sandwich or Winona Ryder or The Donald…I’m gonna eat that sucker.

Don’t get all Allah on my ass…

Monday, November 15th, 2004

Calling all idiots: Your god definately wants you to set yourself on fire in front of the White House.

Rock my vote

Wednesday, September 29th, 2004

“If you don’t vote, you vote (to make rape legal.)"– Cameron Diaz on Oprah.

WHAT?????????????????????????

Okay, I understand where she’s trying to go with that, but you are voting to MAKE RAPE LEGAL???? No. No. No.

Now we all see why she repeats other people’s words instead of making up her own.

I’m watching all these women who are trying to make up excuses as to why they don’t vote. Good grief. “It’s my family’s fault! It doesn’t matter to me! I’m Hispanic, my vote doesn’t count. I’m a woman, I don’t need to vote.”

Seriously. If you have these types of opinions then perhaps you SHOULDN’T be voting and representing this country.

I think that Oprah should just be encouraging people to vote and …

Fresh meat market

Sunday, September 26th, 2004

We went to the mall today. I know, I know. We were “bored,” (Okay, I was sorta bored and the hubs was sick) so we went to get out.

And guess what we would see there?????

A BABY BEAUTY PAGEANT!

There is nothing worse than a baby/young child/pre-teen beauty pagent. But I am going to have to say that the babies are the worst.

They have a stage set up, conviniently located near The Great American Cookie Company and the maternity store. The stage is small and white and looks like what one might imagine a modeling runway to look like.

That is, if you model your wears in the mall.

We walk by at first and I mumble to The Hubs, who happens …

Your moment of zen

Wednesday, September 1st, 2004

Read from left to right: “Now introducing, gay midair sex!” “Oh baby! Lets get it on!""Dirty, dirty but I like it.” “I’m jealous. Really bloody jealous.”

And the Bushie goes to….

Monday, August 30th, 2004

Woo hoo! My rich ol’ daddy is running for President! Put me on the VMAs!

Why, why why why why why were the Kerry and Bush daughters on the VMAs? They are not in videos. They are not in music. And last time I checked, they are not awards, either.

“Look, Florida! We LOVE you, like totally! We love you so much that we take all the time out of our rich little lives to come and talk to you! Or to speak to you via prerecorded video tape! So, like, totally vote for our Daddy!”

I’m glad they all got booed. I don’t care who the booing was for, just that they were both booed. Yes, booing is immature, but who …

I know what I want for Christmas…

Friday, August 27th, 2004

Would someone please explain to me exactly how this toy got made???

Seriously, a toy depecting the September 11 attacks on the US??? What in the hell? Huh?

Whose grand idea was it to make these? I mean, hello, someone had to come up with this idea and then probably have some type of meeting where other people decided that yes, “A toy depecting Sept. 11 attacks would be a good idea.”

And then people put out money and made them and people packaged them and then they sent them out.

Why stop there? Why not have “concentration camp Barbie” with a bony ass doll whose hair has been shaved off due to lice and her body is being ravaged by typhoid.

How about Israeli …

Things they just don’t teach in school anymore….

Wednesday, August 18th, 2004

They are called rhetorical questions people. Seriously.

Email I received today:

i’ll apologize now if this gets too graphic, but a person who throws out the term “she nuts” has no right to get offended at anything.

anyway, the women i’ve been with who were open to giving oral had no problem with it.

personally i prefer getting a ball licking instead of a ball sucking. i have a difficult time thinking a guy wouldn’t enjoy it.

and if the situation is right it feels really nice to have it done as you orgasm. like if she’s giving oral and doesn’t want to finish you off in her mouth. the guy takes over and she adds that stimulation.

also it’s an easy way …

We can vote, what else do these broads want?

Wednesday, August 18th, 2004

Barbie for President! Barbie for President!

Yes, in case you haven’t heard, the good people at Mattel now are having Barbie “My boobs are huge and my hair seriously needs a cut” Doll run for president.

Shall we discuss her platorm?

She has pledged a campaign that will concentrate on creating world peace, helping the homeless and poor, and taking care of animals. Her platform was chosen by girls across America through the Barbie.com Web.

Children are so stupid. Let’s all have world peace! Help the poor! Take care of animals! No offense, but we’re too busy ignoring the situation in Sudan to go and take care of the puppies and kitties at the SPCA. We’ve got Bob Barker for that. We’re too busy …

There’s the black version and the Brownie version….

Wednesday, August 11th, 2004

I don’t care what the “PC Police” say (You know who you are….these people who talk shit just because I have a freaking opinion) but if your religion and country require women to have a separate park so they can exercise outside in somewhat decent clothes well, that’s just screwy.

It is not the different beliefs that I am bashing, it is the treatment of women. Why in the hell do the women have to cover up in outfits in the horribly warm weather? Why do they have to cover from the men? Why aren’t the men held accountable to their God for their actions??

Perhaps they are too busy planning for their one zillion virgins in the afterlife?

Naked news

Wednesday, August 11th, 2004

As a former journalist, I can say it is safe to say that there probably shouldn’t be naked news. There were waaayyy too many obese people in our newsroom. But again, that’s why they were in newspapers and not TV. They definately had a face for newspapers.

These girls do, too. Bodies? Okay, but not the best. But the faces? Ehhh…..

Brusha Brusha Brusha

Monday, August 9th, 2004

Okay. Is it just me or could the terrorists forget the whole big terror plot thingie and just show us their nasty teeth? I mean, that’s punishment enough.

corny

Wednesday, August 4th, 2004

So kerry goes to Iowa and waves around ears of corn. How corny. If he came to TX would he lasso a steer??? Castrate a bull? What about San fran? skip around with gay people? NYC?? piss on the sidewalk like a homeless person??

Inquiring minds need to know….

Thursday, July 29th, 2004

I have a theory about McDonalds commericials. Okie dokie. Back in NC, the city I lived in was largly a certain ethnicity which is not white. Actually, the opposite of white.

Anyway, all the commericials there for Mickey Ds were very “ethnic,” like, “Yo homey, grab your hos and come to McDonalds for some chicken McNuggets or I’ll pop a cap in your ass.”

Here in happy little white suburbia, the commericials appeal to the Abercrappy and Bitch crowd. The commericials have these white hos in the back of a jeep and they take off their shirts and then go through the drive through because they are in string bikinis.

Totally opposite from the previous ones I have seen….

What commericial for McDonalds do …

Dreams do come true…

Tuesday, June 29th, 2004

If we could only be so lucky….

Atkins Diet may cut chances of pregnancy.

Mwah ha ha….

Misery loves company

Friday, June 25th, 2004

I know you haven’t heard about the “dreaded preggo message boards” and you were starting to get worried. Right???

Okay, well, first off, a sad thing happened and a woman had a stillborn baby. Very very sad. Well, then, for some reason unbeknowst to me, some other woman decides to chime in ON THE SAME DAY and say “I went into heart failure during my labor!”

Hello? Are you really trying to freak these people out or what?

So now the women are going nuts. “I haven’t felt my baby kick in two seconds and so I’m prodding her because she might die!”

Well, obviously we’re all supposed to be sharing bad news, so I should get on there and say how 24 years …

Who died???

Friday, June 11th, 2004

Okie dokie. Ronald Reagan died. I get it. He was a good president, he was a president, he was old. Wait. What did I just say?? He was old. And that’s what old people do. They die.

It happens. I’m not making fun of it because, well, he’s dead and people are sad and stuff. But his funeral on ALL MY TELEVISION CHANNELS??? We don’t have cable still. Don’t know if the hubs will give it to me.

But, anyway, so I just looked up at the TV and his funeral is on. They show Nancy Reagan. Al Gore. Old George Bush, who has a “happy 80th birthday” billboard over by my husband’s work. And then there’s Slick Willie.

The guy was …

I’m blinded!

Thursday, May 27th, 2004

This picture prooves that all mean people ARE ugly. Man, if I looked like that, I’d probably want to be some psycho mass-murder as well.

But, let me guess. It’s AMERICA’S fault that he’s that ugly, right??

Phenomenon!

Tuesday, May 18th, 2004

There’s a weird phenomenon going on out there. I’m not sure if I’m the only person noticing it.

Okay, so statistically speaking, Asians as a whole are not a very large population group in the US, unless you perhaps live in California, where I hear it’s a lot larger. (Wonder if they have any good Chinese places?)

Where I live, the population, racially speaking, is made up of about 50% black people, and the rest are whites, hispanics and whoever else comes around.

So here’s the weird thing. Every time I go to Sams Club, which is like Costco, all I see are Asian people! They’re everywhere! Well, Asians and Indians (dots not feathers) who are really Asian as well. It’s just …

I’m fuming.

Tuesday, May 11th, 2004

I am so pissed right now. So freaking pissed. I am actually so freaking mad right now that I don’t know if I can write correctly.

I bet we’re not going to expect anybody to apologize for this.

This decapitation of an American in retaliation for the whole soldier abuse thing is ridiculous. Wow, a couple of women-beating, Saddam worshipping inbreds are forced to get naked and stuff. So they go AND DECAPITATE AN AMERICAN. On video. And then dump his body on a bridge.

You know what I’m going to say that I’ve been holding in? I don’t give a rats ass about those prisoners. Yes, it was stupid what the soldiers did. Really, it was. And I can’t believe people …

Wrong. On so many levels.

Thursday, May 6th, 2004

You know, it seems as if everyone hates the US until they get themselves into a heap of trouble.

If I remember correctly, everyone hates us for sticking our noses where they don’t belong, amongst many other things. I, for one, prefer it that we leave the rest of the world to their barbaric ways so maybe one day they’d appreciate us as the ass-kicking, Mickey Ds eating, beer drinking badasses that we are.

Okay, so the story. Six medical professionals (who happen to be from Bulgaria) decided to go infect hundreds of Libyan children with HIV. They got caught. Now they’re going to be killed. By firing squad.

Dude, so you go and infect children and then want US to come …

Gather round the campfire, I gotta song to sing!

Tuesday, May 4th, 2004

Interesting lyrics overheard while returning from walking this afternoon*

“On 9/11 niggas got patriotic. On 9/12 they said fuck it where’s the chronic?”

That’s pretty close to the actual words. I might be one or two off.

* This was coming from a purple Honda with a dorky white guy with two earrings and Oakley sunglasses driving it. He’s getting in touch with um…his black side?

Naked Twister is Not Covered by the Geneva Convention.

Friday, April 30th, 2004

This is probably the STUPIDEST excuse I’ve ever heard of. When asked about why he mistreated and beat Iraqi prisioners, a US Reserve Officer said:

Yesterday Frederick said he would deny abuse, claiming he was not shown Geneva Convention rules on how to treat captives.

He said: “We had no support, no training whatsoever.

“I kept asking my chain of command for things like rules and regulations. It just wasn’t happening.”

Well, I may be crazy and pregnant and stuff, but I have better sense than to do this to prisoners of war:

Didn’t know the rules, my ass. I know there are plenty of good, normal people in the military who aren’t doing anything bad, but it seems to me that …

STORYTIME!!!

Saturday, April 24th, 2004

Did you know that Pottery Barn for Kids now has story hour? Let’s all imagine just how that will go….

Gather round, kiddies! I got a story to tell….

Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Aiden and a little girl named Hannah. Their parents, having waited until their early 40s to conceive, were very, very happy to have them.

Unfortunately for Aiden and Hannah, their Mommy and Daddy spent all the money on IVF and didn’t have any money left over for nice furnishings for their bedrooms and playroom.

Aiden and Hannah’s mommy bought them a $99 Jenny Lind crib instead of buying the magical $800 sleigh crib. (Holds up picture.) They then used cheap sheats from Target …

insert vomiting sound here….

Wednesday, April 21st, 2004

You know, when I’m thinking about big decisions, I like to ask myself what would Richard Gere think?

Seriously, why do these Hollywood people think that they need to sprout all their political ideologies to us? As if I can’t make my own damn decision without pondering what Moby or Alec Baldwin would think.

And let’s not leave about Barbra Streisand, mmkay?

Why? Okay, so Gere was being celebrated for being the American Museum of the Moving Image’s man of the year. #1. That’s a stupid award. #2. What does this have to do with Bush?

Pearl Jam was recently on an album called “Rock against the bush administration.” Will someone tell me why they didn’t have an album called “Rock against …

Get out the firing squad for this idiot…

Wednesday, April 21st, 2004

Read this.

besides the fact that the guy killed the kid in the oven, which is horrible enough as it is…it turns out his mother is also a dimwit.

She told The Associated Press she first realized her son was mentally ill in 1996 when he killed her oldest child, a 25-year-old woman who suffered from cerebral palsy, by beating her with a dumbbell.

Pierott was found innocent by reason of insanity for her slaying and was released from a state hospital in 1998.

Um, okay. Aren’t you happy all you hippies?!?!??! The guy was let free! And look, he killed again!

Say it ain’t sooo….

Tuesday, April 20th, 2004

Everyone put their guns down. Honduras has pulled out their burrito makers errr, troops.

We’ll sure miss all 370 of you guys. Taco night at the base just won’t be the same.

I’m not loving it.

Monday, April 19th, 2004

Okay, so I’m watching the Ellen show (woo hoo! No work!) and decided to go and look around on the internet.

Now here’s a funny story. McDonalds CEO dies of heart attack.

They went as far to call it “unexpected.”

I mean, really no heart attack is EXPECTED, but out of all the people in the world who I would expect to have one….the CEO of McDonalds is at the top of the list.

Have you seen those new McDonalds commericials? I guess this is their new attempt to get away from the Urban “I’m Loving it” Crowd…this one has some fake haired white woman eating a salad. So, you know, most places will say “A grilled chicken salad with low cal dressing.”

No, …

paging Darwin…

Thursday, April 15th, 2004

This is a “shout out” to all of the parents who refuse to vaccinate their children because, um, their kids might might might might might get autism. (Which is stupid by the way. No studies have proved this. Don’t try to aruge with me, hippies.)

I hope you and your precious little ones are on one of these flights.

There are reasons why people are supposed to get vaccinated. I can only hope that by your overproctective ass not doing so, you are going to get some piece of Darwin social justice.

Oh no…kidnapping…blah blah…

Tuesday, April 13th, 2004

…Continuing yesterday’s rant…

I have no respect for the people who choose to stay in Iraq due to greed. I feel sorry for these people, for their families, for what they have to go through. But, at the same time, THEY ARE CHOOSING TO BE THERE.

As shown in the story I just linked, these people have the opportunity to come home. But they choose to stay so they can make more money.

Well, buddy, can you explain this to me: How can you make more money when you’re dead? don’t you think your DEATH might hinder your family a little? Wouldn’t your family prefer to have you there than have more money??? So this one guy wanted to send …

Better not think I’m kidding…

Monday, April 12th, 2004

I am so annoyed right now that it’s impossible to be funny, sarcastic or anything else. I’m so mad at “my boss” and “a coworker” that I just want to walk over there, say what I really want to say and get my ass fired.

That’s how sick I am of this shit. Fifteen weeks I have been helping him on this one story series. 15 weeks I have written the same stupid story over and over and over until I just want to hit myself in the head with a dull object and render myself unconcious.

They change due dates on stories without telling me. All I get is an email to someone else about the changes with CC to …

Get em while they’re young (and juicy)

Friday, April 9th, 2004

I saw on the Today show this morning about how some 9-year-old girl got arrested for stealing another girl’s rabbit. Katie “I’m now sweeping my bangs to the side now that I’ve had my face done” Couric is all “How sad, how horrible.”

Um, excuse me? How sad? This kid ADMITTED the rabbit belonged to someone else. She stole the rabbit. I don’t give a rats ass if it’s just a rabbit. It was someone else’s. And when you’re a kid, it’s not like you have lots of stuff. A rabbit is a big deal.

So the cops arrest the girl and bring her in for questioning. You know what? GOOD FOR THEM. That girl deserves it. If someone doesn’t …

Why, the hair under your arm is so nice and long, Mother Jones.

Thursday, April 8th, 2004

In case you didn’t notice, I’m not a big fan of hippies. You may not think that you are a hippy, but there’s a good chance that I DO.

Anyway, just got a press release about middle-school Earth Day. They want us to cover it. Um….okay. The only reason i would is just so I can get my ass out of this stinky hellhole and I wouldn’t have to look at book Hoarder every frucking minute of my life.

But back to hippies.

I’m all for saving the Earth. Recycle, don’t litter, use less water, don’t DRIVE SUVS. But this Earth Day is just creating little hippies.

Some of the exciting events lined up:
Earthworm racing
Mud body painting

Well, geesh. …

Wah wah my hair isn’t blonde boo hoo

Thursday, April 8th, 2004

I missed The Swan on Fox last night. I was out having a fun time with the hubs, which included eating Birthday cake ice cream at The Marble Slab. YUM.

Okay, so the promos of the show basically call these girls “ugly ducklings.” Really, there are some that aren’t exactly cute or even remotely cute, but there are others that aren’t that bad. I mean, she’s no superstar or anything, but gee, if you actually DID your hair and perhaps put on a shirt that doesn’t look like it came out of a trashcan, you wouldn’t be that bad off.

So I saw the “after” pics of two of the girls. definate improvement. But I just can’t get over this.

WHY …

Do they have a backdoor policy?

Tuesday, April 6th, 2004

2012: The year the Olympics went gay.

Me Chinese, me play joke. Me put peepee in your Coke

Monday, April 5th, 2004

Seriously, all Asians look alike.

“Chinese men receive facial treatment during a promotion by a cosmetics company in a shopping district in Beijing April 2, 2004. REUTERS/China Photos”

Pressure…under pressure…

Friday, April 2nd, 2004

Oh boy! The police say they only want what’s best for America’s favorite abductee sweetheart.

I’ll tell you what’s best for her. A foot up the butt and a one-way ticket to the looney bin. Once a liar, always a liar. This girl has issues.

And she’s still creepy.

Something’s not right here…

Friday, April 2nd, 2004

I was watching some news thingie on that Wisconsin girl who went missing. And I started thinking “Something’s not right here. This is just too weird.”

And wouldn’t you know it, the cops are saying the same thing now.

So one month ago she gets attacked and the person leaves. I would think, personally, if I was attacked, my ass wouldn’t be leaving my apartment at 2am alone for any reason. I’d be a little more careful. Carry mace on me or something. Learn a little kung-fu and kick someone in the nuts if they got too near me.

So why did she leave her apartment at 2am in the middle of March when it’s still cold? Alone? I’m betting …

Dumb terrorists

Tuesday, March 30th, 2004

Good to know that it seems we are fighting againt the world’s most stupid terrorists.

They had “planned” on Sept. 11 to have two different attacks. One on the east coast and one on the west coast, but were surprised how mad the US got and how quickly action was taken.

Typical men, I swear. They don’t think ahead. Were we just going to sit there and go “Hmm, look! They’re crashing planes! Crazy!” and go about our daily business.

These people are more stupid than I thought. Oh, and California being America’s richest state? Well, it has a lot of dumb Hollywood people there. And the people there are dumb enough to pay insane amounts of money to live there….

Whatever. …

My weight loss complaint.

Friday, March 26th, 2004

You know what? Americans are fat. And they have no one to blame but themselves. Honestly.

I am going to tell you why you’re fat right now. You eat too many calories and don’t burn enough off. Simple as that. If you take in more calories than you burn, you gain weight. It’s not rocket science. You can go and blame McDonalds or Burger King, but it’s not their fault. They’re just doing business. It’s your fault for driving through that Drive Thru and Biggie Sizing it.

You say you’re hungry and are at work. Well then, bring your lunch. It’s cheaper, healthier and more convienant. How long does it really take to slap some meat on two pieces …

Is this a multiple choice test?

Thursday, March 25th, 2004

Pop quiz, hotshot.

What do you do if you’re 14, a dork with bad grades and, as your family says “the intelligence of a 12-year-old” that can’t even kiss a girl?

Why, blow yourself up for the Palestinians for the promise of having 72 virgins to “have relations” with.

Dude, you’re a virgin yourself. You should be asking for 72 experienced women so you would stop being such a loser.

Who are these people and why are they allowed to speak?

Wednesday, March 24th, 2004

Oh boy! It’s the racist police!

So, these firefighters “Hung up” a dummy from a cross beam in the ceiling. Some say with a noose, some say it was just hung up. Well, now what they did was racist.

I feel really confused. This is a horribly written article.

After a tour of the facility by Washington and the police chief, Washington filed a formal complaint with the mayor, saying the hanging dummy was racist. He likened the move to the killers at Columbine, who practiced shooting before their deadly rampage.
#1– is Washington black? and #2, are they going on a hanging rampage where they hang people like crazy?

Washington described the doll as tan with stringy hair.
“I have …

We name our son “Toaster,” since it died 2 hours before his birth…

Tuesday, March 23rd, 2004

The Hamas leader isn’t dead! He was just being born into some stupid family to a mother who hasn’t caught on to the fact that she believes in a male dominated religion.

Could somebody PLEASE get a missle and aim it at that part of the world already?

A little tale about grandpa

Thursday, March 18th, 2004

Let’s have a hypothetical situitation here. Let’s say that grandpa is 80-year-old and has Alzheimers. Grandpa also needs kidney dialysis or he will go into a coma.

Wouldn’t it just make so much sense to put grandpa on a cross-country flight alone, where he had to CHANGE PLANES??? And not inform the plane people that “hey, this guy has alzheimers and needs to have a leash on him or something!”

Well, obviously one retarded family did.

Oh, they settled for someone to escort grandpa. But this person didn’t know that grandpa wasn’t all there. Somehow, grandpa didn’t get escorted. grandpa gets lost. Grandpa almost dies.

Family gets mad. Wait, huh? You leave grandpa alone like that and you get mad?? If …

A lynching we will go…

Wednesday, March 17th, 2004

Yippee freaking skippy! Someone get out the KKK hoods and the lynching tools! A county in Tennessee is trying to make being gay illegal.

It seems as if gay people could be charged with “crimes against humanity.” How in the hell do two men taking the backdoor route or two women licking carpets count as crimes against humanity?

MMM…okay…..

While we’re at it, can we ban severly obese people, stupid people, ugly people, anorexics with orange skin (That’s all of California), people who hate Texas for no reason and the entire Northeast portion of the United States??

Can we? Please?

You must be shitting me.

Monday, March 15th, 2004

Okay, so you’re telling me this woman refused a c-section, which resulted in the death of a child, because she feared getting a scar???

She is one ugly mofo. And one stupid one, as well.

Pregnant SJ is even meaner than Not pregnant SJ

Monday, March 15th, 2004

My trip to Washington DC aka “No honey, it’s okay. Go stand in front of that nice pregnant lady who doesn’t look pregnant because, obviously, she’s not trying to look at anything.”

I hate children. And most people. Why people feel the need to bring small children to a city full of museums and hours of walking is beyond me. So, for your viewing pleasure, I’ll incorporate a list of highlites from this weekend, in no particular order:

1. Big greasy obese gay man with a bad fashion sense charing the door while on the tour bus at Arlington Cemetery. Seems as if he thought there must have been a bbq going on at the Tomb of the Unknown soldiers because I …

Why I don’t like being a member of the media

Wednesday, March 10th, 2004

I am about to post a very disturbing picture. I can’t believe that the NY Post would run this. If you would like to read the story before clicking “more” read it here.

I can’t believe that they would run this. Why am I showing you the picture? because I can and I’m warning you. There is no warning when a picture like this is on the front page of a paper. Yes I know it’s very newsy and she’s the 4th student to jump this year and SOMEHOW they managed to get it on film.

But this is plain out disturbing.

Oh, don’t go there…

Tuesday, March 9th, 2004

“What, woman? You think my violent actions resemble those of the domestic violence crazed husbands on Montel?”

I’ll show you a violent action!

Elisie D. Cow

Monday, March 8th, 2004

I’m going to have nightmares about this picture for awhile. Note: Not safe for work. Well, maybe it is, depending on your view of tatas.

You know what song is stuck in my head? Milk, milk, lemonade. Round the corner, fudge is made.

A general dislike of Mel…

Monday, March 1st, 2004

I’m a Christian, but I’m a Christian with a sense of humor. (Yes, they really exist.) So this guy decides to wear a devil costume to the Passion of Christ movie.

I read the article, and it seems that all he really did was wear the costume. No running up or down the isles, sceaming and cheering when Jesus is beaten or anything.

But the Christian groups in there went a little overboard on his ass. They jeer him while trying to get consessions. They pelt him with juju bees. A 75-year-old woman dumped a 64-oz coke on him.

The manager asks him to leave. WHAT?? WAIT? WHAT? He wasn’t the one throwing things or pouring cold refreshments on …

I tell it like it is.

Monday, February 23rd, 2004

I am happy that February is almost over. Why? Well, it could be that the cold weather will soon leave us, or that I’m almost a month closer to that glorious day where my vagina will open up to the size of a porthole and a watermelon sized child will push and slide it’s way into my world.

But it’s not that. I’m glad beause Black History Month is almost over.

Yeah, you heard me right. Pick up your phones and start texting hate messages to me or whatever because this is about to get real.

Why the hell do we need an entire month to celebrate black people? “Aww, look. Your skin is darker than mine! Here’s a month to celebrate you! …

I hear the increase started when Matt Lauer went there…

Thursday, February 19th, 2004

This is just too funny. Or weird or sad, depending on how you look at it. Since I’m trying to be Perky SJ, we’ll choose the funny route.

Officials in Botswana have reportedly urged people wanting to kill themselves to “use trees” and not trains.

“If people want to commit suicide, they should use trees, not our trains,” the country’s minister of works and transport Tebelo Seretse told a Gabarone newspaper, according to The Star in neighbouring South Africa.

“I am sick of these people who throw themselves in front of the trains. The drivers are people - why turn them into murderers?” she was quoted as saying.

Train drivers in the diamond-rich southern African country often faced having to remove human body parts …

Okay, whatever.

Wednesday, February 18th, 2004

I always read about the people being executed going peacefully. It’s nice that someone finally went on an obscenity laced tirade because it makes it that much easier to not feel sorry for him.

My personal favorite part of his tirade?

“From God’s dust I came and to dust I will return so the Earth shall become my throne. I gotta go, Road Dog.”

Yes, Road Dog. The Earth will become your throne…sure….

Aye aye captain smartypants

Monday, February 16th, 2004

I have a feeling that if I were in the military (ha, there’s a funny one right there) that I might have a list that looks a lot like this one.

Attention High School Females

Monday, February 16th, 2004

Are you a decently attractive HS Senior trying to decide where to go to college? Try Indiana, I hear the girls there are so ugly that you’ll probably have no problemos getting dates!

Cute!

Friday, February 13th, 2004

So adorable. Where do I send the wedding gift?

Something good comes out of CA!

Thursday, February 12th, 2004

I’m moving to San Fran! They’re marrying old gay people!

It’s about darn time! Or, as my husband so aptly put it:

why, in the “land of the free” can two people who love each other not get married? give me one good reason and i’ll poke out my eyes with my junk. if your reason is stupid, and i guarantee that it will be, then i require you give a bj to one of your own turds.

I don’t care what they think

Wednesday, February 11th, 2004

I know it’s a hippy tradition to say “The US is so out of of the loop and barbaric because they put people to death.”

You know what I say to them? Screw you. Good grief, don’t we have ENOUGH people without dealing with crazy lunatics who should NEVER be allowed back into society?

So this guy is about to be executed in my Wonderful Home State, Texas. He’s fighting the Constitutionality of execution by lethal injection.

This guy is fighting the Constitutionality? Hello, what about the rights of the people you killed??? You killed your ex-girlfriend’s 10-year-old daughter. Who was 17 weeks pregnant WITH YOUR CHILD. With a shotgun blast to the head. While she was trying to protect her …

WTF???

Friday, February 6th, 2004

Stop what you’re doing. Think back to being 14. You weren’t completely stupid, were you???? You knew how things worked for the most part. You knew “good touches” and “Bad touches.” Heck, you were 2 years away from getting your drivers license (in most states) and probably stayed up past 10pm.

So why in the hell would these 14-year-olds let a member of the clergy play with their weiners?

This is just too much to be true. Check it out:
It began with a newspaper clipping about impotency, then a physical “inspection” of his genitals, a “diagnosis” that things were not right, then “treatment.”

Bendillo urged strict secrecy. He hinted to the boys, they said, that if word got out about …

Coinjoined twin days….

Wednesday, February 4th, 2004

Oh my gosh. This is soo southpark.

Okay, just go and read the story.

What do they do with the extra head when they are finished with it? Do the parents wash and brush the head’s hair? Do they call the head by a name????

So, 5 zillion muslims walk into a bar….

Monday, February 2nd, 2004

(Pretending to be Muslim)

Internal voice Gee, I think I want to go and stone Satan this weekend.
Other internal voice Don’t people die there every year due to pure stupidity of a large sort?

Internal Voice Why, that was only in 1994, 98, 2001 and 2003. I’m sure it’s NOT going to happen this year.

ALL TOGETHER NOW: WRONG!!!

Bad baby

Thursday, January 29th, 2004

I once threatened to poke a crying baby on a long flight. I never even thought about dousing it with water.

I don’t care if the rest of the plane thought he did something bad. You know they thought it was pretty funny when he did it.

Brusha Brusha Brusha

Wednesday, January 28th, 2004

Yeah yeah, so these Brits are telling us how much it sucks to pay your own tuition. Dude, you are preaching to the choir here. I know already.

So we won’t go on about how whiny they are at the moment. Instead, I want to comment on the pictures:

They must not have enough money to spend on tea, because all of these Brits seem to have Really Nice Teeth. I dare to say it. American teeth. Usually when I think of our friends across the pond, I think of wonky noses and funky teeth. I know that’s not ALWAYS the case, but….come on….

When what we always see of your country is THIS:

What do you expect us …

Here we go, around and around again.

Friday, January 23rd, 2004

Ha, I knew something like this would happen.

Little Trevor is South African. He’s also white. He wanted to be voted for the African American award at his school. His friends nominated him. They got suspended.

Can you not be African American if you are white? Hello, he is FROM AFRICA. There’s a whole variety of skin colors out there. There is always such a double standard and I think it’s stupid.

Why not call it the “We want black kids to feel special” award? This reminds me of that episode on South Park where they had the conjoined twin award for the only person in town who was a conjoined twin…the nurse with the dead fetus on her head.

“Hi, …

Jaden, Jorge or James?

Tuesday, January 20th, 2004

You think you’re being really creative with your child-to-be’s name, don’t you? Well, honey. I’m working on a story about baby naming right now, and everyone is using the Same Damn Name. So, if you want a unique name…you better watch out. Androgenous names are in for boys. “Trendy” names for girls are going out. Classic names are coming back in.

VIA BABYCENTER 2003 (2002)
1. Jacob (Jacob)
2. Aidan (Michael)
3. Ethan (Matthew)
4. Matthew (Joshua)
5. Nicholas (Nicholas)
6. Joshua (Christopher)
7. Ryan (Joseph)
8. Michael (Ethan)
9. Zachary (Andrew)
10. Tyler (Daniel)

1. Emily (Emily)
2. Emma (Madison)
3. Madison (Hailey)
4. Hannah (Kaitlyn)
5. Hailey (Hannah)
6. Sarah (Sarah)
7. Kaitlyn (Brianna)
8. Isabella (Ashley)
9. Olivia (Alexis)
10. Abigail (Abigail)

BABYNAMES.COM–2003
1. aidan
2. jaden
3. caden
4. ethan
5. caleb
6. dylan
7. jacob
8. jordan
9. logan
10. hayden

1. madison
2. …

It doesn’t make sense, George.

Wednesday, January 14th, 2004

Okay, I’m a Republican and I voted for Bush. But I can’t figure out why he and all these people are so scared of same sex marriage.

Separation of church and state, people. Gay people are not evil. If they want to get married and adopt kids and do whatever, LET THEM. It is their constitutional right to be happy. You let convicted murderers get married IN PRISON, yet you won’t let two people who love each other get married or at least have a civil union????

How you durin?

Monday, January 12th, 2004

To say people are naming their children after products is a sweeping generalization. Yes, there are people naming their children Lexus, Courvoisier and Camry. But I’m going to bet that you don’t know many of these people. In fact, I can point my finger at once certain race that is doing this…and the type of person in said race that has no sense of style or class….

Now, I’m not saying that all black people have no class (HUBBY!) I could say that “I know some black people with very cool names” but that’s like saying “I talked to a black guy once. I am not racist.”

I’m being honest here. Black people talk shit about white people. I didn’t …

I feel like being saucy

Tuesday, January 6th, 2004

I feel like playing “Let’s insult foreigners!”

So….from a story from my very own paper about the US fingerprinting and photographing terrorists…er, I mean foreigners, here it is!

(Note: If you are from another country, good chance I’m going to make fun of you. Get over it. It’s satire. Or sarcasam.)

Also exempted will be most Canadians, because they usually are not required to get visas, and Mexicans who are coming into the country for a short time and not venturing far from the border.

(Really it’s because everyone knows Canadians are a bunch of pussies also known as America Junior. Who is scared of a Canadian Mountie? Not me!)

“We’re not used to having our fingerprint and photo taken and it being filed. …

I’ll take Disney over this!

Tuesday, January 6th, 2004

Obviously, someone isn’t reading their Bible very well.

This idiot wants to create a Christian Nudist Colony….Okay, stop laughing. His reasoning for this modern Garden of Eden?

“The Bible very clearly states that when Adam and Eve were in right with God, they were naked,” said David Blood, executive director of the project. “When people are in right with God, they do not have to fear nudity.”

Um, yeah, but the Bible really stated that Adam and Eve were naked before there was sin. Once a sin was committed, they became knowledgable of their little ding dongs and wanted to cover them up.

No matter how “right” you are with God, you are still a sinner. Even being a Christian (which …

What a moron.

Tuesday, January 6th, 2004

Hey, I have an idea. If you are going to buy a lottery ticket, it’s probably not a good idea to drop it in a parking lot.

yes, I feel sorry for the lady who dropped the ticket. If I were in her situitation, I’d probably do the same thing. BUT, that being said, if I found that ticket…well, too bad for you. I need the money just as much as you do. I want a comfortable life. That will teach you not to be such a dumbass.

Another reason why I find this lady to be stupid. This is her explination on how she chose the numbers.

12-18 is her son’s birthday.
32 is her other son’s birthday reversed. …

Fun with google

Monday, January 5th, 2004

I know that whackos read my stories. Every once in awhile, I google myself to see where my byline turns up.

Today I am distrubed. A story of mine, a wonderful story about a family with two children who have autism, has been posted on one of those “vaccinations are evil” websites. It seems as if people like to think that vaccinations cause autism.

No. It’s called genetics. I would like to delve into this issue more right now, but unfortunately, I’ve let too many people I know in the real world see this damn site. that means if I name names, well, someone’s feelings are going to get hurt.

So let’s just say “Don’t use my stories to further propagate your hippy …

Make the talking voices shut up, already.

Wednesday, December 31st, 2003

You know what?? Why in the hell do we have to hear that a blast occurred in a baghdad restaurant? Even better, in an restaurant in an upscale baghdad neighborhood.

That’s an oxymoron if I’ve ever heard one. Upscale Baghdad. damn, we’ve blown the place to bits. I’m sure there’s not much left to be “upscale,” even though I doubt anything was upscale before we got there. remember, they were under the ruling of that Idiot for all those years.

Yes, people keep on blowing up busses and damn restaurants over there. I’m sorry, but I just don’t care. I don’t live there. It’s not like this is a “special” occurance. It happens every damn day. Getting on a bus …

I need a pair of tweezers here

Wednesday, December 31st, 2003

Hillary laughs at just how small Willy’s willy really is.

I recently saw in an interview that Chelsea Clinton is happy that people say she looks like her mom because “my mom is really beautiful.” (I’m paraphrasing here.)

I’m going to have to disagree on this one.

Nobody will be getting this from me!

Sunday, December 21st, 2003

Looking for a quick last-minute stocking stuffer??

It was probably that darn Cat in the Hat

Friday, December 19th, 2003

Did you know that Dr. Seuss’ wife killed herself after his affair with a family friend, though all the biographies try to make it look like she died of cancer?

Damn, girl!

Wednesday, December 10th, 2003

Via Stereogum.

I think she looks like crap in both pictures. What’s up with trying to stuff your girls into that tiny little dress? I know they’re just fat boobs, but seriously, they look gross. Not to say she didn’t look gross before, because she did. The concentration camp look went out with the 90s. See how she covers her face with her hair and refuses to really smile? She’s going to lose all that weight, and more. Trust me.

Can’t the girl just eat one damn burger and be normal like the rest of us?

Even the clergy gets dirty

Monday, December 8th, 2003

Yeah…an “accident.”

German vicar inadvertently supplied his parish with dozens of hard core porn films in an unsuccessful bid to teach people about the life of Christ.

You can read the rest here.

Yeah, sometimes people go to the porn store and accidentally buy porn when they meant to go and buy some Snoopy DVDs. Or they accidentally pick up “Hustler” when they thought it was Martha Stewart Living. Of course!

Hilarity ensues once again

Friday, December 5th, 2003

There are some people who I belive would like this. Though I find it funny, I do not find it true. My Nazi friends (Leslie– you know that’s what democrats are) will love this.

Go to Google and type in “Miserable Failure.” hit the I"m feeling lucky search button.

gives a whole new meaning to the term stocking stuffer

Thursday, December 4th, 2003

Do your kids wear jelly braclets? Um, then you might want to read this. Worry if Junior has a whole bunch of silver ones….

Teaching rules!

Thursday, December 4th, 2003

Yet another reason why teaching is for me. Turns out I could put an ad up on EBAY, identifying myself as a first-grade teacher who likes to make kids cry and offer myself up as a boy toy, prostitute or imaginary pen pal. I could even send you my used undies– for a price.

“I don’t think that this represents who I am in the classroom,” the idiot said. “You ask my principal and my other teachers and they will tell you that I am a complete professional in the classroom.”

“…put a letter of reprimand in Wu’s file and sent a letter home to parents, explaining what happened. “

Damn! that’s it?!?! I do one thing wrong and wear an …

Texan by birth, Aggie by the grace of God.

Thursday, December 4th, 2003

Another reason why I thank God I’m a Texas Aggie.

“Citing his belief that individuals should be judged only by their merit, Texas A&M University President Robert Gates bucked the nation’s higher education establishment Wednesday by announcing the school would not use race as a factor in admissions or scholarships.”

Ify Ukpong, a black junior from Tyler, said she was disappointed.

“In a perfect world, race should not be a factor,” she said while waiting in line to see a movie on campus. “But this is not a perfect world. Even if black students get in on their merits, people will think they got in because of race. I think it’s kind of sad.”

Then why let you in on …

I understand now.

Thursday, December 4th, 2003

Yet another reason why California is a stupid hippy state: (No offense to normal Californians)

They ban glowing pet fish.

“For me it’s a question of values; it’s not a question of science,'’ said Sam Schuchat, a member of the state Fish and Game Commission. “I think selling genetically modified fish as pets is wrong.'’

Conservation groups and commercial fishers cited concerns that the fish could escape or be released into waterways and cross-breed with other fish. The ban stems from the fear that transgenic farmed fish, such as salmon, could get loose and devastate wild fish populations. “

Yeah, I hate those fish that JUMP OUT OF THEIR TANKS, GET IN A CAR, DRIVE TO A RIVER AND DIVE ON …

Are those pubes on your head?

Tuesday, December 2nd, 2003

Note to Linda Tripp: Get a new hairdresser. Is this the New Jersey old Jewish woman look going on? (No offense to old NJ Jews, because, well, that’s just a bad haircut.)

Not many friends, eh?

Tuesday, December 2nd, 2003

And now, my friends, a lesson in why it’s important to choose a method of of suicide that has a high success rate.

Will she go away?!?!?!?

Tuesday, December 2nd, 2003

Uh, maybe they should change the name of the ship from Miracle to Threesome.

I do not like Jessica Lynch.

**Scratches head**

Friday, November 28th, 2003

I just don’t get it.

I know that some of you do this and please, don’t take offense, but I just don’t get waking up at the butt crack of dawn on the day after Thanksgiving to shop. I mean, if you want to battle crowds at the mall later on in the day, great. But why wake up so early just so you can buy the first DVD player you see at Target or the first Barbie at Toys R US?????

The neverending stooorrrryyy

Friday, November 21st, 2003

It seems pretty obvious that there can’t be a Neverending Story. Especially when the lead actor (okay, in 1991) commits suicide.

Might as well have fun while I can…

Thursday, November 20th, 2003

Honest to God quote from today�s interview: (about vegetarians at turkey day.)

HER: �I think the key is when you�re hosting [a mixed Thanksgiving] is to not call a lot of attention to the person being different and focus on what brings you all together for the holiday,� she said.
ME: �So the �You�re a vegetarian hat� is probably out of the question. Everybody look at the freak!�

Loser alert…paging Mr. Loser

Tuesday, November 18th, 2003

Good Lord. Someone has a really high opinion of himself.

Yeah, Wil wheaton, I’m talking TO YOU. $250 for a crappy autographed book that you wrote? I didn’t even see a “this is going to charity” sign on there. Come on! You’re TV’s Wil Wheaton! You were in Stand By Me! ….and you’re telling me you’re going to keep the whatever amount (Because there are 6 days left and you just KNOW some idiot is going to pay an insane amount.) and pocket it so you can write more crappy books about yourself?

Wacko Jacko alert

Tuesday, November 18th, 2003

You know he’s bad really, really bad.

Hmm…..these lyrics are so cryptic:

Your butt is mine
Gonna tell you right
Just show your face
In broad daylight
I’m telling you
On how I feel
Gonna hurt your mind

I’m giving you
On count of three
To show your stuff
Or let it be
I’m telling you
Just watch your mouth

The UT football team is officially Gay.

Friday, October 31st, 2003

For all you college football fans out there, here is proof that the entire UT Football team takes it in the butt.

(I’m dead serious here. I thought this was a parody. But it’s not.)

On the way to Iowa on the plane, it was clam. Everybody fell asleep or watched movies. But on the way home, we had pillow fights and guys were throwing stuff all over the place. I was trying to watch a movie on the way back, but (Associate AD for Football Operations) Cleve (Bryant) picked the worst movies. He tried to say it was someone else, but we weren’t buying it. They were “Foreign Affair,” which was ridiculously boring. Then, on the way to Iowa …

Stoopidity

Friday, October 31st, 2003

I haven’t done anything in two days. I better get started. But then, I find this story and felt I needed to share with the class.

Fox almost sued itself over a Simpsons parody. I’m not going into it all right here, but here’s what the fake “news ticker” said on the show.

“Study: 92 per cent of Democrats are gay… JFK posthumously joins Republican Party… Oil slicks found to keep seals young, supple…Do Democrats Cause Cancer?”

Now they’re not allowed to do so anymore because…

“While the lawsuit never materialized, Groening said some action was taken.
“Now Fox has a new rule that we can’t do those little fake news crawls on the bottom of the screen in a …

She makes me laugh…

Thursday, October 30th, 2003

While I’m waiting for an interview (the guy is 45 minutes late) and the test results….I’m a bundle of nerves. So, here are some funny Tina Fey (SNL) comments from the show. She rules!

She once wrote a piece for a workshop in Chicago that featured Catherine the Great complaining about life�s inequity: �You can be a murderous tyrant and the world will remember you fondly. But fuck one horse and you�re a horse-fucker for all eternity”

After the invasion of Afghanistan, she announced on �Weekend Update,� �For the first time in more than two years, women took off their veils and walked freely in the streets. Those whores.�

�My mom had me when she was forty,� Fey said in a personal aside …

Crazy Catholics just can’t stop!

Thursday, October 23rd, 2003

Coming to an outhouse near you…. The Virgin Mary.

First off, I don’t believe this hooplah. That being said, if I were the Virgin Mary, I think I’d find better places to appear than in a tree stump in a bad part of town and a freezer door at a supermarket….

More masturbation fun

Thursday, October 23rd, 2003

Note to prepubscent male self: Never take 5 viagra during school.

Do people realize the funny stuff they write??

“The Sun newspaper quoted a source at the school as saying: “By the time the afternoon lessons began, there was no hiding what they had done.”

Paramedics took the six squirming boys to the nearby Royal Berkshire Hospital, where they were monitored until the effects wore off.”

So, everyone got to see their raging boners. Then, they had to go to a hospital and allow it to “wear off.” I’m assuming these doctors just wouldn’t let them go to the bathroom and relieve the tension themselves.

Wax the bald headed bishop

Thursday, October 23rd, 2003

You know, I always knew those LaCrosse players in high school were such jerkoffs.

Now, I have the language skills to prove it. LaCrosse is slang for masturbation in French Quebec. Even funnier, that’s the name of a new buick car….. hilarity ensues….

Are you a top looking for a bottom?

Tuesday, October 21st, 2003

Didja ever watch “Who’s the Boss” on TV? Even once? Well then, you might find this funny….

Danny pintoros (the son’s) friendster profile (via GAWKER)

“Dan ‘Who’s The Boss?’ Pintauro has a Friendster profile. What he’s looking for: ‘My age or older (at least mentally) a versatile top with the qualities of a bottom, i.e. sweet, attentive etc.. Adventurous, open minded, but not self centered, social, silly but more often serious and interesting, non smoker… I’m mainstream with twists. I like Justin Timberlake, but I also have a twisted sexual side. Actor but now on the otherside of the field in agenting and casting. Versatile bottom sexually. Enjoy bar hoping and being social or chillin at home emailing or watching …

Wishing and hoping

Monday, October 20th, 2003

Where’s that darn countdown clock when I need it?

Turns out that Pamela Anderson is promising us only five to ten more years of her existence.

Yup, that’s right. Though many many poor (read: NOT RICH) people live full lives with Hep. C, it turns out she has the deadly form. But she feels fine. But it’s still deadly.

I’m sure she’s a nice person in life and I wish noone ill will. But, as long as she prances around with those THINGS on her chest and preaches about PETA and vegeteranism…she’s fair game. Besides, how dare she tell me what to eat when she brought forth the spawn of Tommy Lee onto this Earth??

Bad dog! Bad dog!

Tuesday, October 14th, 2003

Those crazy germans just don’t have a sense of humor these days….

This man taught his dog (aptly named ADOLF) to do the seig heil salute. He’s facing up to three years in prison. No word yet on whether the dog had a nasty little mustache or if it will be gassed like the jews were during the Holocaust.

Sounds like fun

Monday, October 13th, 2003

I consider this to be very approperiate, considering I hate hotmail.

(Editors Note: I did not use the word “puppy” in place of the f-word here. My deepest regrets.)

Couldn’t you imagine sending an email to your parents?

“Hey dad! My new email is blah blah at fuckhotmail.com. Yes, I said fuck hotmail….But, DAAAAADD!! I’m 23 years old! I’m a fucking adult! Can’t I say fuck hotmail?”

I’m healthy and REALLY happy

Monday, October 13th, 2003

I really enjoyed this page. Especially the picture part. That’s what I’d LOVE to see while out on a walk with grandma.

And the stupid award goes to…

Friday, October 10th, 2003

Ohh, too bad there’s not a Nobel Prize for being a complete dumbass.

Because, former Governor Ryan, you would have won that one.

Keep on pushing for no death penalty. The world ISN’T CROWDED ENOUGH, damnit. Let’s keep all the crazy murders out there! Hey! When the prisions get full, lets let them loose!

Retarded school alert

Friday, October 10th, 2003

This is just plain out funny. A school in Washington has a “work excellence” program that helps students get ready for the real world. Okay, so THAT’S not funny, but this is…..

So they give the special ed students jobs. They make them do janitorial work, such as digging through trash. In front of the mainstream “normal” students.

Here’s what the school had to say about this.

“School officials said many special education students will do janitorial work after high school, so they believe the tasks are appropriate. The Evergreen School District’s “Work Experience Program” is aimed at teaching special education students work skills that would help them get jobs and live independently after school.”

and, from a parent:

“They …

Help, I need somebody

Thursday, October 9th, 2003

First the tiger was scared. then it was confused. Today it was really just trying to protect Roy.

Uh huh. Tomorrow it turns out that the tiger had a bad breakup and had been fixing himself with alcohol and is now in rehab.

Sometimes, when I like to help people, I rip their throats out. Other times I just shoot people, like the little old lady who dropped her groceries at the store. Man, I just pulled out my gun and shot her old wrinkly ass up until it was buzzard meat. Yup, I did just that.

Big Pimpin

Thursday, October 9th, 2003

Tonight, I’m gonna grab my hos and get me a couple of 40s and play me some GHETTOPOLY.

Only problem is dat de black reverand get all up in my shit because i wanna play dis game wit my pimps and hos.

Just because dere is a game called “KKKopoly” doesnt mean i’m gonna get all up in his shit because its about white people. Damn, white people can live in the ghetto. Even hispanics. Jennifer Lopez has a ghetto booty and she wants to be white!

Maybe you shouldnt assume dat dis is all about you, brother. Because when you do, you make it look like all black people live in de ghetto. Now, do a sister a favor …

Sex and the holy city

Thursday, October 9th, 2003

(Announcer’s voice) “It’s time to play….what did that crazy Catholic say?!?!?!”

((music plays, something happy and light))

(Host) Well, Bob. Who do we have on the lineup today?

(Announcer) He lives in the Vatican and he’s now saying that condoms don’t stop AIDS. He’s old, thinks he’s the only one in direct contact wth God and rides in the Popemobile….

(Host) …It’s the Pope!

(Bell sounds) ding! ding! ding!

(Host) Who else is on the lineup?

(Announcer) He lives in a country where 20% of the population has AIDS yet he still says that condoms carry the HIV virus!

(Host) Wait, wait…don’t tell me…it’s a priest in Kenya!

(Announcer) Right again!

(Host) Looks at computer monitor. That’s all the time we have for today. Thanks for watching What …

Go, Arnie Go!

Wednesday, October 8th, 2003

Stupid things said by Austrians (and other retarded countries) about Arnie’s win:

“Many people in the world – and in America – now know where Styria is.”
Um, in case you’re like the rest of the world and have no idea where the hell this place is, don’t worry. It’s not even on the map. It’s near Erzberg and bordes Slovenia. There, now you know.

“Someone who’s a foreigner in his country, who has an unpronounceable name and can become governor of the biggest American state – that’s not nothing,” Sarkozy told RTL radio.
Um, no. What about Alaska and Texas? Land-wise, KALIfornia is the third largest. But, if we’re going people-wise, its the largest.

In Japan, TV news …

I’ll kung pow your chicken

Wednesday, October 8th, 2003

Nothing says lovin like a good ol’ Chinese orgy.

Is it me or is the guy on the left smiling? Hey buddy, it’s your 15 minutes of fame. Enjoy it.

As always, I’m confused

Wednesday, October 8th, 2003

You know, I am always asking questions about things. Its my job. So, I know there’s a few gay people who read this and I have a question…

Why the term “partner?” Why not my boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband or whatever? Is there a politically correct reason behind this or is it just more accepted or crazy or what?


My Flickr photos.