Archive for the 'General' Category

I’m so alloooonnnnneeeeeee

Monday, February 6th, 2006

Tomorrow (Tuesday) is a magical day in the SJ household. The Hubs is heading back to work after two weeks of paternity leave. Can I tell you how grateful I am for the paternity leave? That’s why you guys haven’t been reading posts that look like this:

Send alcohol. And reinforcements. Babies. Trying. To. Kill. Me.

My Mother in Law is coming to town tonight and boy, I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy to have a visitor because I AM NOT READY TO BE LEFT ALONE WITH BOTH OF THESE CHILDREN AT ONCE.

I am officially watching both for the first time since Sam came home from the hospital. I have already had to stop her from capulting him out of …

Double The Pleasure

Tuesday, January 31st, 2006

Today is The Hubs’ 27th birthday and I’m celebrating by sitting on the couch, drinking a “home made margarita” with my boobs.

My boobs, by the way, say hello.

We’ve never been really crazy people when it comes to going out. We didn’t do the club/bar scene in college. We’ve never had much of a nightlife unless you count trips to the ice cream store.

We did go out this afternoon for pizza. Not all four of us, Version 1.0 had to go to my Mom’s house because I actually wanted to enjoy my husband’s birthday dinner.

Happy birthday, honey! Let’s use a coupon!

Having two hasn’t been very hard so far, most likely because The Hubs is home from work and Sam is still …

The Fun Keeps Coming

Tuesday, January 31st, 2006

For the most part, I do not enjoy the talk of the “breastfeeding.” In fact, I do not like the talk of the breast as long as the word “breast” is used.

I prefer the talk of the “boob” or the “tit,” such as tonight, when I mumbled in front of my grandmother that “My tits hurt.”

And yes, it is true. My tits do hurt. Not just hurt, but feel like they’re constantly being electrocuted. I also have cracked nipples that stick to my bra. Why? Because of this weekend’s fun: Engorgement 2006!

Nobody should ever have size F boobs. Nobody. There’s something sick and wrong when you lay on your back and your girls face towards the sky like two silos. …

Version 2.0

Thursday, January 26th, 2006

As many of you already know, Sam was born on Tuesday, Jan. 24 at 9:50 p.m. Weighed 8 pounds, 6 ounces and was 20 inches long. Came EARLY at 38 weeks and boy I’m happy not to be pregnant anymore.

I just got home so I haven’t read any emails yet, but thanks for all the nice things I saw in the comments.

Edited to add: His first middle name is “Noe” after my grandpa. You pronounce it “No-E.”

The Sweetest Thing

Saturday, January 21st, 2006

Tonight, while I waited for my Unisom to kick in, Ellie woke up from her sleep, screaming. After laying her in our bed, I quited her down by singing Elton John songs.

Soon, she fell asleep and I found myself laying there, my toddler’s head touching mine. Then, slowly, her little hand reached up and placed itself on my cheek.

That, my friends, is why I do this. For those moments when I find myself basking in her sweetness.

Oddly enough, the majority of those moments come while she is asleep, but I’ll take what I can get.

You Don’t Want No Drama

Wednesday, January 18th, 2006

We haven’t been exactly strict when it comes to filming Miss E’s childhood. You see, we bought a video camera before she was born so we could film all the happy moments of her childhood to show 20/20 when they came knocking on our door after our child’s tellall book about her horrible family.

Then, the night I went into labor, the camera broke. Then, the good people at Best Buy lost all the video inside the camera, which included nine months worth of me bitching and moaning about how I hated being pregnant.

Luckily, I still have all the archives on this site to remember that.

So basically, the filming of our child has been sporadic, at best. Luckily, she seems very …

Why You Don’t Give Your Number Out, Part 100

Thursday, January 12th, 2006

Turns out, Debbie does a lot of things.

You see, she helped come up with the idea of an online baby shower. I scoffed at the idea, saying “Um, no.” But then? That Debbie has my phone number. And she likes to call it. A bunch. So finally, I gave in and said “Fine.”

So, Debbie wants me to put this little message up on my site just the way she wrote it, so I’m doing it for her. Why? Because she dressed my child for me this morning and well, that’s just pretty darn cool and nice of her.

You are Invited to a Blogging Baby Shower!

We are hosting an online baby shower for the Sarcastic Journalist and Little Jizzy. Your …

Good Enough?

Wednesday, January 11th, 2006

It starts before you even leave the hospital: Did I really try hard enough to breastfeed? Is pumping alone good enough? Maybe I shouldn’t have asked for my epidural to be “topped off” because are babies really supposed to sleep that much?

Overall, I consider myself a Good Parent. I praise my child when she does something right, try to keep my temper under control and offer gentle discipline when she’s being naughty. Sometimes I do have that “Mother Guilt” that one will never understand until she has her own.

I don’t know if what I’m experiencing today is “Mother Guilt” or just a case of Am I Good Enough?

It never really crossed my mind not to share things with the Internet …

A Fairy Tale

Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006

Once upon a time, in a land very far, far away, I used to be fun.

No, not really. I don’t know if I ever consider myself “fun” because I’m kind of grumpy and I have a lot of opinions and a lot of people don’t think of hanging out with grumpy, opinionated people as “fun.”

That’s why I have a website! I can be as grumpy and opinionated as I want and nobody has to hang out with me except for the people googling “My husband makes me do deep throat.”

Um, hello? Nobody can MAKE you do anything! See? There I go with opinions again.

In case you didn’t know, I once had a kid. Let me tell you, Internet, nothing makes …

Little Pitchers Have Big Ears

Thursday, December 8th, 2005

There is one big discrepancy between “SJ Online” and “SJ Offline.” I am going to point this discrepancy out, but most of you probably haven’t noticed. I try to keep my language pretty clean online. Why? Well, first off, I can find better words to use other than the “Fbomb” and second, trust me on this one, you never know who is reading.

So while great great granny gets to read weekly talks of my twat (haha) I will not drop the f-word on here for her. I save that for real life.

In real life, I curse like a drunken sailor. You might as well put me in a bar with a bunch of seafarin’ lads chugging back Jack Daniels because …

Rose Colored Glasses Sometimes Break

Sunday, December 4th, 2005

Most parents (I hope) think that their child is the most beautiful, wonderful thing on the face of the Earth. The poop! Oh, the poop is so beautiful! Haven’t you ever smelled anything so wonderful? The consistency! Ahh, it is just like mustard! Don’t you just LOVE mustard?

Actually, I hate mustard if you must know the truth.

When my child was born, I felt confused. I imagined that an itty bitty Gerber baby would come popping out, wearing a pink onesie and matching booties. I was in a drug-induced fog when Miss E came into the world but I remember saying two things. “She looks Asian” and “Where’s the placenta?”

It didn’t take long, but I fell in love with that …

The Biotch is Back

Wednesday, November 30th, 2005

I’ve never been one to do well with roommates. I’m not sure why. I think, most likely, it is a difference in personalities. I learned throughout college to deal a bit better and actually play nice with my roommates instead of having a friend call up and leave voice mails that said “This is Satan” for them.

For eight days last week, I had a new roommate. She was shorter than most of my roommates and definitely had more of a temper. Unlike most of my previous roommate experiences, we knew each other beforehand. I thought I knew what I was getting into.

She was a very soft sleeper, so much in fact that The Hubs would whisper to me “Be …

Second Verse Same as the First

Monday, November 28th, 2005

Since I’m a know-it-all and you really don’t get to know much during parenting and pregnancy, I like to chuckle at first time parents. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a first time parent myself, at least for awhile, but it is the whole First Pregnancy Thing that gets to me.

The belly, the creation of life! It is amazing!

Really it is. But, as I said, I’m a know-it-all, or at least I play one on the Internet.

My pregnancy with Miss E went something like this: I counted down the days and weeks and minutes of my pregnancy. I could tell you exactly what size fruit my child resembled that week. I could tell you if she had ears or toes or …

Gaydar

Friday, November 25th, 2005

I think I’ve mentioned before that I come from a long line of Very Conservative People. I’ll admit it, I used to be one of those people too, that is, before I grew up and got a brain and decided to make decisions for myself.

Now? I have opinions for everyone!

I had a friend once, a friend that had moved to North Carolina from New York City. She asked me what my family “background/heritiage” was. I’m like “I’m a mutt. One side is Cajun and the other side are just crazy breeders that have some Irish up in there somewhere.”

Hence the dark hair with the really light skin. I’m like Snow White without the fame or the Dwarfs.

Anyway, my family …

Turkeys

Wednesday, November 23rd, 2005

The flight brought to you by Continental.
The drinks brought to you by Coca-Cola.
The two in-flight poops brought to you by my child’s anus.

Thanksgivingish pictures are being uploaded at Flickr.

Hero

Sunday, November 13th, 2005

Let’s all stop and thank Robyn for fixing my site. I will never, ever try to redesign again.

In A Van Down By The River

Monday, November 7th, 2005

When I was a little girl, I was a Good Little Girl. I went to Catholic Church and got my First Communion and brought cookies to old people in nursing homes.

Then, I grew a bit older and decided not to be Catholic anymore and switch to Baptist. Yes, I’m such a troublemaker. I don’t know how the world lives with me.

Then, yesterday, I expressed my displeasure in church. Turns out that voting for something such as gay marriage is not a political issue, but a moral issue. I guess I got confused as this is America and we have this thing called Separation of Church and State. In my feeble little mind, I thought that meant that there are …

Rat people on the Titanic?

Thursday, October 27th, 2005

I heard an advertisement for the new “Titanic” DVD. From what I understand, it is a special edition, which means that besides the 2,000 hours of movie you have to watch, you also have 4,567 hours of “extra footage.” Part of the “extra footage” includes an alternate ending.

What could they do? Does the boat not sink in the other version?

In other news, I laugh at PETA.

For a friend

Saturday, October 22nd, 2005

Not long after waking up this morning, my bad mood returned. I’ve been dealing with some personal issues for awhile, personal issues that, in my mind are petty, stupid and just downright annoying.

I’ve been trying to think of reasons as to why these things don’t matter and how even though I am annoyed, it really is no big deal in the Grand Scheme.

Then I got a phone call.

I’m sure many of you that read this site recognize/read/know The Debutaunt. She’s a fellow blogger, lives here in Houston. I got a call saying she was at the hospital.

I just talked to her and found out she has leukemia. She is a single mom to a five-year-old daughter. She will be …

Get Your DINK On

Sunday, October 9th, 2005

It’s not that it scared me to walk into the living room in my underwear, only to find a construction worker standing on my balcony while I had the blinds open. Sure, the blood from said construction workers on my stairwell is disgusting. And, no, I don’t like having to park my car farther away so that they don’t throw siding on it.

It was the noise. After several days of siding replacement related noise and a no-nap baby, I had hit my limit. My nerves were shot. It seemed like someone was trying to land an airplane on my roof while they went and built the apartment up around us.

Luckily, I called in the reinforcements: Grandma and Grandpa. They were …

Psyched.

Wednesday, October 5th, 2005

I think this is the first time I have heard something I wrote spoken. Click here to hear the Boobiethon ad that will go out on Podcast and Sirius radio.

Semantics

Tuesday, October 4th, 2005

I’ve made the comment recently that if I knew how Miss E would act once she turned one, I might have waited awhile to get pregnant.

The terrible twos? Yeah I’ve heard of them. But man, we have the Evil Ones.

For the most part, I can deal with The Evil Ones when we are at home. Sure, she climbs on things and may pitch a fit when I put her on the ground. Sure, she may try to swat and headbutt. But? We’re in the privacy of our home.

But get the child out in public? The Child refuses to get held. No, she has to walk. And by walk, please know that I mean run wherever she wants, whenever …

Why yes, I think there IS a baby in there.

Tuesday, October 4th, 2005

Behold, The Belly at 22 weeks. I’ve had about 200 ultrasounds for various reasons and we’ve checked 210 times to make sure there are not twins in there. Nope, that’s just me and all that coconut cake I keep on eating. But! There is a monkey, so that should make diaper changes just a little more interesting.

Ask a dumb question…

Sunday, October 2nd, 2005

Him: “That girl from American Idol says she is illiterate.

Me: “Where did you hear that?”

Him: “She wrote it in her book.”

Mammary Madness!

Friday, September 30th, 2005

Hey everyone! It is that time of year! Time for the Boobiethon! In case you didn’t know, (which you wouldn’t since I didn’t tell you) I am the Press Coordinator for the ‘thon this year. We made it into Wired Magazine!

Anyway, you should think about submitting and or donating to the ‘thon. As someone who had her very own breast cancer scare this year… funding for boobie cancer is IMPORTANT.

Now I just have to figure out how I want to photograph “the girls.”

Truth? You can’t handle the truth.

Tuesday, September 27th, 2005

“And then, I told her exactly how big it really was.”

3…2…1…0

Friday, September 23rd, 2005

The apartment is packed, though it felt very weird to leave. The truck is moved to a somewhat safer place. I obviously have my computer with me.

I will be trying to update to my Flickr account via my cameraphone. Also, if I’m without electricity for awhile, I will contact Curly Girl via phone. Check in with her for updates.

Also, I was interviewed by ABC Perth (Australia) tonight about the hurricane. I’m very sorry that everyone had to listen to my horrible “not made for radio” voice!

Bitter Sweet

Thursday, September 22nd, 2005

The bag is packed. The diaper bag is ready to go. We have bottles in the fridge. We are no longer leaving. After much discussion and a trip out to see just how we could get to the airport, we realized things were no longer good. In fact, they’re bad.

I know it is hard for people outside of this place to understand. If I were you, I’d feel the same way. They are not allowing people to head south on the service/feeder/frontage roads. You are not allowed south on the highway. All the other roads that remotely lead to anywhere else? Jammed.

The Hubs said people were parking on the highways, leaving cars on bridges, and walking. To where, I wonder. …

Fine Already

Thursday, September 22nd, 2005

Captain Meanie (aka The Hubs) is pulling rank. I have a plane ticket for 9pm tonight with Ellie. I’m not happy, in fact, I’ve spent all day long crying. I do not want to go. I want to stay with him. Everyone I know IRL is staying. I feel like a stupid wuss for going.

Considering that our flight is at 9pm (Ellie bed time and she ONLY sleeps in a crib) the flights are all delayed because people are not showing up to work and that I will have to HOLD A 14-MONTH-OLD in MY LAP, this SUCKS.

My fingernail still hurts as it is MISSING.

So everyone can be happy now. Thank you for all your nice emails. I …

Hurricane Party Every Time It Blows

Tuesday, September 20th, 2005

I’ve been trying to think of a witty way to start discussing this hurricane aiming at the Texas coast, but really, I’m so sick of hearing about hurricanes that all I can think is “blah blah blah.”

I found out yesterday that some of my relatives that live in costal cities were getting ready to leave town for hotels. We, being the people that we are, said “okay that’s nice call us when you get there.” We went on our merry way, not too concerned about the weather. But, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that hey! We could be without power!

I’m not worried about flooding or anything like that since we live about 70 …

The Girl With One Shoe

Tuesday, September 20th, 2005

Everyone that has ever met Ellie mentions how much of a “chill” baby she is. She is good in restaurants, well, as good as a 14-month-old can be, smiles at strangers and enjoys playing with the other babies in what I call “Baby Church.”

When I used to write her monthly letters, I always commented on how her personality was starting to emerge. It is true; their personalities emerge a little bit each month. But now? Girlfriend has enough personality for all of you reading this little site.

I don’t think that anyone who knows me in real life would describe me as “girly.” In fact, I’m pretty darn casual. That is why I am so shocked to have a “girly girl.” …

The Second Time Around

Wednesday, September 14th, 2005

Every once in awhile, The Hubs will ask me “What size fruit is Little Jizzy this week?” You see, during my first pregnancy, I proudly announced to anyone and everyone that The Parasite (aka Ellie) was “the size of a grape!” or “a banana!”

Now? I have no idea.

I am assuming it is the size of a 19 week old fetus.

During the first pregnancy, I had plenty of time to obsess over every little minute detail when it came to baby making. This was being formed this week, this was what would happen next time. At exactly 26 weeks, 3 days and 5 minutes, my child would learn to roll around and give people the finger.

Little Jizzy gets his …

Quick Update

Friday, September 9th, 2005

…Going out of town, but didn’t want to leave yous guys hanging…

1. Mom= they think she is okay, though they are sending her to get a CT Scan next week to make sure.

2. Volunteer= turns out that um, there’s a virus going around in the shelters so big pregnant lady couldn’t go in. I ended up answering phones, which, oddly enough, I enjoyed. If you called a certain church shelter in Houston today, I might have talked to you. If the person kept answering the phone and mispronouncing the name of the church, said “allrighty then” one too many times, it was me!

Also, wanted to let people know this: I see that many out of state people want to send …

Yeah, I know.

Thursday, September 8th, 2005

After a dinner of fries/onion rings and hamburgers, we sat at the table with Our Friend The Pilot and some of his friends. He took a bite of the cookie cake we bought for his birthday and announced that it “was moist.”

Moist. Haha.

Most is just one of those words that have been ruined for me, thanks to living with He Who Turns Every Word Into Something Dirty.

I have heard someone refer to a building being erected and I almost lost it right there. Erect? Well, I hope it was a skyscraper.

Box is one of those words that I can sometimes use. Box. Haha. You want me to put what in your box? What if you drop the box in …

Sent in an email, but good anyway.

Wednesday, September 7th, 2005

Unpublished Childrens Books:

1. You Are Different and That’s Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad’s New Wife Robert
4. Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do Book
6. The Kid’s Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mummy Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That’s it, I’m Putting You up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy …

I’m voting for the one without the vagina

Wednesday, September 7th, 2005

Thought of the Day:

If your child is acting like The Spawn of Satan, how do you decide which parent is, in fact, the devil?

This Will Even Make The Men Ovulate

Friday, August 26th, 2005

Good grief, I can’t believe this cutie is MINE. How can I get annoyed with her for only taking a 45 minute nap when she looks like this?

Thou Shalt Not Try to Kill Your Mother

Thursday, August 18th, 2005

I was on the phone tonight with a friend, the maid of honor at my wedding, and I said something like “Yeah…having a one year old isn’t easy. Sometimes I wish for my itty bitty baby.”

Not that I don’t love having a child that can “somewhat” tell me what she wants. By somewhat, please know that I mean lots of screaming and whining while I name things that she could possibly want. When she bursts into tears, I know I hit the jackpot.

The deal is, this kid is a little person and honestly, it is kind of scary.

She’s all “woo hoo look at me! I have all kinds of thoughts and desires and I desire to KILL you, Mother.”

In …

Well slap me silly

Wednesday, August 17th, 2005

It’s always weird to know how much of a small world it really is. I just found out that the mom ofa blogging friend lives about one block away from my inlaws.

Yes, they live in the SAME subdivision in OK.

And they call themselves “journalists.”

Tuesday, August 9th, 2005

So, I’m reading the very credible “news site” E! Online and come across this story.

Basically, long story short, they say Marilyn Monroe died of an enema. Anyway, that’s not the interesting part. The real fun begins towards the end, when they bring in a Quack that says he knows the reincarnated Marilyn.

For what it’s worth, a psychiatry professor who bills himself as a “pioneer in past-life regression therapy,” and has a client he is convinced is the reincarnation of Monroe, says he thinks the transcripts sound like the late actress.

Mark your calendars, people. He’s unveiling the reincarnated Marilyn on August 13 in New York.

Dangerous Minds

Monday, August 8th, 2005

Dear Internet, I have an announcement to make. My baby isn’t a baby anymore; no, she’s a deviant, a defiant little critter that is looking for fresh meat to gnaw on.

We decided to go down into Houston this weekend. Actually, we went two days in a row. This is an act in itself since we live in about 30 miles north of town and have no reason to ever leave. I decided, however, on Friday to drop the Wee Beastie off at my Mom’s house so we could browse IKEA in peace.

It was WONDERFUL. Unfortunately, we weren’t exactly well-prepared in going to IKEA and ended up driving about 45 minutes for A BATH MAT.

A four dollar bath mat that we …

Vomit-licious

Wednesday, August 3rd, 2005

“They” say every pregnancy is different. It is true; there are things about this pregnancy that are different from the last one. Take the, um, “extra sensitivity” down there. I had it HORRIBLY last time– let’s just say that sitting down on the potty hurt because everything was so swollen. I also had really bad “growing pains” in my belly and very sore (and big!) boobies.

This time? All of the stuff I mentioned has not happened and I am VERY thankful for that fact.

Unfortunately, the hyperemesis is still here. Even though I’m not exactly the most positive person, I’m having to act positive about this.

Last time, I was working through the barfing. It wasn’t uncommon for me to …

site stuff

Tuesday, August 2nd, 2005

I have also updated my FAQ page. If you’re interested.

A Million Thanks

Wednesday, July 27th, 2005

I want to send the BIGGEST THANK YOU to Stace at Non Prom Queen. She is awesome and so helpful and friendly, not to mention HOTT.

Go and check out My old friend, Curly Girl. I designed the header, Stace installed (and upgraded!) the rest.

Thank you, Stace!

HELP

Wednesday, July 27th, 2005

I need help fixing a friend’s blog. It is on my domain and um, I messed it up. Anyone familiar with WP?

Okay, I need help updating from the older WP to the Newer one. ANyone? Anyone?

I can’t offer much but uh, linkage and my undying gratitude. You know, because I kind of really messed it up. And now she can’t use it. And I don’t think that is very friendly.

Taking You Down to China Town

Saturday, July 16th, 2005

When I was 17, I went on two dates with a guy named Chris. Two boring, cheapo dates. At the end of the second date, I found out he had a girlfriend. Long story short, I said “buh-bye” to Chris and went on my merry way.

Too bad Chris couldn’t do the same. He started to harrass me. Called me NONSTOP and left some scary messages on my machine. Showed up at places I went to. We worked at the same country club and he had no problem leaving his area to come over to mine to bother me.

Let’s just say little Chris didn’t work there for long after that. Harrassment isn’t well tolerated in the workplace, you know.

In case …

Linky Doodle

Monday, July 4th, 2005

I am married to a person that wakes me up at 1am because I have to watch this. Since then, I have seen it one hundred times, thanks to “someone” who thinks it’s funnier than it is.

I haven’t seen this one in a long time. Some may find offense to this so I’m just warning you in advance. But really, how could I not share “Coupon Eater?”

Boring update

Wednesday, June 29th, 2005

There’s something wrong with my site’s server. So, if you come and the site looks all funky, it will be okay. Also my email is not working at all so I can’t answer any emails or comments because my email says “no messages.”

I’m in email withdrawl.

Also, the best line from a commercial ever: “Hey let’s play do you wanna hide the remote?”

Is that like hide the salami?

Had to share

Friday, June 17th, 2005

So today my stomach hurt and it turns out that you know, I’m constipated. I wasn’t really going to share this info with the world but come on, I know you need to know these types of things. I’ve been so worried about puke and babies and not enough about what my bottom is doing.

It really started hurting this morning. I thought it was the poop, but it wasn’t. Turns out there is something wrong with this world and my colon picked up on it.

Also? Katie? Is it me or is TomTom hugging little miss Dakota too tight?

Presents for Everyone!

Sunday, June 12th, 2005

Hello, Internet. I have some presents for you.

Click here and pick “Po’s Scooter.” Make sure your volume is on.

It sounds like one of my favorite words. And no, its not the F bomb.

In honor of Angela at Fluid Pudding, here’s a song someone left in a comment. I don’t remember who did, but man, thanks!

You should be happy to know that several of my husband’s coworkers were singing this song for awhile.

Enjoy!

Bad Advice for Everyone!

Wednesday, June 8th, 2005

Hi so yeah. Bad advice. You want it, I’ll give it. And, you know, since I’m all Cra-zy, I’m not going to tell you what is “real” advice and what is “really bad” advice.

I don’t know why I hate to clean my house? I just hate it. From: Anon

Dear Anon,
You hate to clean your house because you are messy. I think it has something to do with your parents. Blame your parents and write them a nasty letter, explaining that they have ruined your life and you’d like your cut of the will now.

My bff never calls me back after I leave her like 15 messages saying, “Umm yeah this is my 15th message in 4 days, how about …

Concerned

Tuesday, May 24th, 2005

Does anyone know what happened to Autumn over at Autumnville? Her site is gone, I tried to email and I got a Yahoo Message back saying she no longer is accepting email.

I’m worried about her and want to know that she’s okay.

You never stop learning!

Tuesday, May 24th, 2005

Things my husband told me/things I heard after his colonoscopy this morning:*

1. He believed that the doctor that preformed the procedure “uppercut (him) in the gut.”
2. He thinks he shoots zombies while at work.**
3. He dedicated all of his farts (due to all the gas pumped into him) to his “homies.”
4. “SJ” in “The Whitelands” is considered one of his “homies.”
5. Another good way to intro into a fart is to say “fire in the hole.”
6. He had a password I had to say before he would get up. The password was “eroded placenta.”

Watching him come off the meds was worth sitting in the world’s coldest waiting room for two hours. I laughed so hard, I had tears rolling down …

The edge of the hedge looks like a ledge

Friday, May 20th, 2005

It all started about two weeks ago. The Hubs started having chest pains. Then he had stomach problems (aka poo problems) and then, while on vacation, the poor guy got covered in a rash.

You would think that after two weeks, everything would be back to normal. NO. Basically, to make a long story very short, I called his doctor yesterday, trying to save him time and a $10 copay.

On Tuesday morning, my fabulous husband will be getting a colonoscopy and endoscopy. We’ve tried to do this as much without medical intervention as possible. He tried the bowel prep, walked all over Hell’s Half Acre while at Disney, ate a lot and drank a lot of water. Then, once we got …

American Loser

Wednesday, May 18th, 2005

I hate American Idol.

There. I said it. I think the show is stupid, I think the “talent” is mediocre and trust me, I’m pretty bad so if I think you suck, you really do.

Anyway, my Mother in Law was watching the show last week when she stayed with us. I was sitting on the couch with her and got my first glimpse at the season.

Then I had to google “Trach Boy.” It made me giggle. I had to know what was up with the Trach.

So, tonight, I was flipping through channels and the show was on. They were about to announce who was going on to be the American Loser so I decided to watch for a minute.

You see, …

Poo Party

Saturday, May 7th, 2005

We have bad luck when it comes to our anniversaries. I spent our first anniversary getting a colonoscopy. Nothing says “I’m so happy to be married to you for a year” quite like having someone shove a tube up your butt.

I’m not sure if the highlight of the day was when my butt kept leaking while waiting for the colonoscopy to start, when I yelled at some old lady that I ‘got it up the butt’ in the recovery room, or when my husband had to dress me and I kept fighting him.

The second year, last year, I was pregnant. Don’t believe me? I have photographic evidence. Look. I’m trying to smile besides the fact that I look like the …

Life Lesson

Thursday, May 5th, 2005

If you are going to call someone who is in the hospital being induced so she can have a baby, I have a few words of advice for you.

First off, when a female voice answers the phone, it is best not to say “Can I speak to the knocked up person?”

When that voice says “This is the knocked up person,” do not continue on with your conversation and say “how’s it going?”

Eventually, when you think “Hey, the knocked up person I know doesn’t have a Southern accent,” it is best to clarify right then and there who is actually on the phone. Why? It turns out that in Labor and Delivery, there are many knocked up women on the same …

busybee

Thursday, May 5th, 2005

Yesterday, while Miss E took a nice, long nap, I decided to be a “good wife.”

By “good wife,” I mean do something besides laying on the couch, moaning about how depressed I am and why the hell don’t I have starbucks coffee right now?

Anyway, so The Hubs calls in the middle of Clean Fest 2005. I had loaded and unloaded the dishwasher. Scrubbed the nasties off the kitchen counter, did laundry and was even FOLDING the laundry.

I had fresh pineapple ready for the baby when she woke up and had cleaned the sink out with cleansing products so I could give her a bath.

So, he called.

The Hubs: “What are you doing?”
Me: “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”
The …

I really need a brain check

Tuesday, May 3rd, 2005

I am sitting at a coffee shop and the girls next to me are having Bible Study. They are discussing having lust in their hearts and being jealous of people who have boyfriends.

The leader asks the girls when was the last time they “fantasized” about having a boyfriend.

Luckily, no one said “when I was masturbating.”

Jaws on the floor

Friday, April 29th, 2005

Okay. I had to post this. I am in SHOCK. Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise ARE DATING.

Back to your regularly scheduled blogging.

Houstonish

Wednesday, April 27th, 2005

Just because I don’t like making plans and having no one show and I’m not a fan of getting stood up, Please let me know if you are planning on coming to the House of Pies this Saturday at 3pm to play with me and whoever else shows up.

I’m opening up comments for this one so everyone will play along.

Thank you. This is the end of the post that forgot how to use punctuation.

When hearts get broken, its real tears that fall

Saturday, April 23rd, 2005

Today, as we were driving home from a picnic in the park, I saw some types of bugs flying around. I didn’t know what they were until my husband informed me that they were, in fact, termites. Let’s just say I was less than thrilled with the fact that I was surrounded by flying termites.

We stopped at a light and all of a sudden, I found the termites on me. I screamed and tried to get them off me, but it seemed to no avail. Every time I got one out the window, another took its place. I thought to myself “Why don’t I just close the window?”

But, I didn’t want to. You see, it was a beautiful day today, …

Sign ups!

Tuesday, April 12th, 2005

Okay. Saturday, April 30, 2005. House of Pies. Houston. 3pm. Now we must decide which one. The one on Kirby isn’t exactly good for groups.

Okay. Who is in?

spam again

Friday, April 8th, 2005

Anyone have a good trackback spam plugin? I’ve put one in and it is NOT catching the trackbacks.

The Bloggies

Thursday, April 7th, 2005

You know what? We should have a blog get together one day. I always thought it would be fun to have a get-together where all the cool bloggers get together. How many times can I write get together? Turns out, a lot.

You know, they have those “political” bloggers get togethers and the techies but they don’t have enough for us “regular” people. Any time I meet someone who blogs, I get so excited because we can talk about blogging! And site meters! And lurkers!

I know there’s a bunch of us here in Houston. I can’t remember everyone right now because I just went on a long ass walk and my boobs are too tight in my damn bra. But, …

Karma Police…Arrest This Man

Wednesday, April 6th, 2005

Have you ever had a time where you were lost for words? For thoughts? I have so many thoughts and so many things I want to say, but at the same time I can’t.

Number one: There are things called “morals.” I don’t care what the fuck you say about “it is the internet…” but I have personally been lucky to deal with people who aren’t thieves. The site was a PERSONAL site. I didn’t “advertise” it on other people’s blogs. I didn’t link to it in blogexplosion. I had a domain name (that oddly enough, has been down for awhile and I just fixed) so my family could see the pictures (and for the birth) when I lived in NC …

what?

Wednesday, April 6th, 2005

I am sick to my stomach. Someone has gone to my personal website (my family site) and has stolen all of my pregnancy photos. They are now passing them off on Flickr using a name that has SJ in it.

I feel sick. What the fuck is wrong with people?

Editor’s Note: I am going to need help from people who are In The Know about all things website related and html and stuff. I know that this is just one person but it has made me not trust ANYONE.

The call…

Monday, April 4th, 2005

I’ve been doing some research these past few days. There are currently 250,000 women under the age of 40 in the US with breast cancer. Breast cancer is the leading cause of cancer death in women between 15-40. Many doctors (included one I visited) do not take a proactive approach to young women’s concern/pain due to their age. Oddly enough, breast cancer is more aggressive in younger women than older ones, making the five year survival rate drop.

Luckily, I won’t have to deal with it because it is benign. For those of you wondering, it is called Sclerosing adenosis.

Thank you all for your concern.

Not trying to be cryptic…

Tuesday, March 29th, 2005

Hey…if you can help out Jay in any way, please do. As a parent myself, I can only imagine what he is going through. Visit his site for more info.

I’m the best plucker here!

Tuesday, March 15th, 2005

If childrens shows were still like this, I’d happily let Ellie watch.

And they allow me to procreate!

Wednesday, March 9th, 2005

The saying of the night:

“We both have whiskered biscuits, except her biscuit is not whiskered.”

Figures…

Wednesday, March 2nd, 2005

Please cancel all that was previously said. Thank you.

pimping

Thursday, February 24th, 2005

If I were a Scientologist, I’d totally be a famous actor by now. Why? I have now turned three people on to blogging. THREE! And those three? I’m sure have turned other people on. (Turned people on? Nasty!)

(It’s like that STD ad that says “and she slept with two people and he slept with two people and she slept with two people so you’ve slept with 5,769 people! You slut!")

The newest member of the “I know SJ in real life and I think she’s damn fabulous” club is the The Merry Widow. You read it right. She’s a widow and she’s also fabulous. Whether or not she is more fabulous than me has yet to be determined.

I call her “Corvette.” …

Ring ring…

Thursday, February 24th, 2005

I could spend all day thinking about prank calling people on Paris Hilton’s phone book. But…I’ve got a baby and well, the numbers probably have been changed anyway.

I also found out that she likes to take naked pictures of herself with her T-mobile sidekick. I was about to call it a phone, but then I realized I wasn’t sure what a Sidekick was, so instead I’ll just advertise it on here for FREE!

Start your searches here and click on the fun “I take naked pictures of myself” links.

The best part, however, are the emails between Paris and Lindsay Lohan discussing Jessica Simpson doing blow in a bathroom. Because gossip? Is so funny, especially when it is about rich skinny …

SPW

Wednesday, February 16th, 2005

It’s self portrait Wednesday.

I’d like to call this one “Mommy is really tired and Daddy’s working late tonight.”

So Pavlovian…

Wednesday, February 16th, 2005

I have a weird reaction that I can only describe as similar to Pavlov’s Dogs.

Every time I watch “The View,” I have to go poop. Discuss amongst yourselves.

Come on everybody, let’s do the titty twist!

Wednesday, February 16th, 2005

It’s no secret that I’m not the biggest fan of breastfeeding. Since I have been a mostly exclusive “pumper” for seven months now, I don’t really have to deal with the hassles of having a baby to the breast.

Every once in awhile I try and put the baby to the boob, just to keep things interesting. We have a new problem on our hands when it comes to puting “the child to the breast.”

I think Ellie is trying to break my nipple off.

Sometimes she bites me. Other times she clamps on to my nipple and yanks her head back. She does what I call the “boob blow job,” where she opens her mouth and bounces her head forward and …

Don’t be jealous…

Tuesday, February 15th, 2005

My buddy Very Mom likes my horrible pictures, for some reason. So, she told me to try out Illustration Friday.

This week’s theme is “Flight.” Here’s my picture and for those of you wondering how I have such wonderful drawing skills, I’m self taught and use Paint.

Don’t forget da baby!

Friday, February 11th, 2005

For those of you who don’t have an actual paper in front of you, Ellie is famous, too!

Click here.

How I know I really love you:

Wednesday, February 9th, 2005

You discuss a war board game (Axis and Allies) and you use the phrase “Can you imagine the implications of that?” and it makes me smile.

I smell the smelly smell of someone jealous….

Wednesday, February 9th, 2005

Idea to idiots of the world: If you are going to speak ill of me on your blog, please get your facts straight. I’m no longer eight months pregnant and I’m not exactly “twiddling my thumbs.” In fact, I’m not twiddling my toes because I’m more than happy to shove my foot up your ass.

Did you know I’m still steaming about it? Turns out that I wrote a story about it in May (so I could get some stinking freelance experience) and now it is FEBRUARY and that means that for all these months, I’ve been steaming about it.

I sit at home, every day, twiddling my thumbs and steaming. Just like the steaming piece of shit that you call …

Another reason why I love Google.

Sunday, February 6th, 2005

It has been a week since the NY Times article about “Parental self-absorption” known as “mommy blogs.”

In honor, I submit to you this link.

Thanks NewYorkish, you made a girl laugh.

Bless this mess

Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005

….Redesign again…..

ew.

Tuesday, February 1st, 2005

EWWWWWWW.

I’m so vain, I probably think this blog is about me.

Sunday, January 30th, 2005

Last night, I eagerly sat down at my computer and pulled up the New York Times story about blogging parents.

A few paragraphs into the story, I started to feel a little down. By the end of the story, I felt downright depressed. I wondered why I felt that way from reading a stupid newspaper story, when it hit me: The way this story is written, it is made to make blogging parents look dumb.

This reporter decided to pick and choose which aspects of the blogs to write about. Instead of saying how it keeps a lot of us sane, keeping us “in touch” with others who are going through the same thing, it made blogging parents look like …

Please forgive this post as I have become stupid.

Friday, January 28th, 2005

For some reason, I watch this kids’ tv show called Zoom every afternoon. Zoom comes on between Sit and Be Fit and Dr. Phil, meaning that I’m pretty desperate for background noise at this time.

There is one section of the show called Fannee Doolee. That is the most stupid name ever. Anyway, Fannee Doolee only likes things with double letters in the name, such as books but not words.

Get it?

So I’m sitting here and I feel the need to play my own Fannee Doolee game.

Fannee Doolee likes:
boobs but not dicks
cooters but not wangs
ass but not rumps.

Somehow, I feel as if my intelligence might get restored if I turn this horrible show into something dirty. I think its kind of like …

Story time

Friday, January 28th, 2005

I’m famous!

Work Makes You Free

Thursday, January 27th, 2005

I bet you didn’t know this, but I’m somewhat of a Holocaust buff. I became interested in the holocaust in the 5th grade, when I read Lois Lowry’s “Number The Stars.” Then I found out that I’m related to a survivor, as my step grandfather was a Polish Jew during WW2.

Anyway, I was watching PBS last night and I learned of the Auschwitz brothel. A brothel! Of course, that led to discussions with The Hubs of whether you’d work in the brothel and be treated better or “take the high road” and take your chances in the regular camp where you had a good chance of dying.

What makes me disgusted is pages like this. Holocaust denials. By the way …

Excuse me while I master bake.

Friday, January 21st, 2005

This is another one of those posts where I have a few ideas floating in my head, though none of them are really good enough to deserve a post all to their own.

So, first, I shall show you my skills. I’ve got mad skills, yo.

I am a master baker. Please watch me master bake. Do not master bake in front of the children.

Yes, that’s right. I’m taking a cake decorating class! And I made a rainbow! And a cake that says “pony” because I didn’t feel like writing anyone’s name on my cake. So, today, The Hubs brought a rainbow cake to work with the word “pony” written on it.

Do I smell a promotion?

Okay, I have another thought that …

Could be worse

Wednesday, January 19th, 2005

If you are having a bad day, just remember, it could always be worse.

You could be a conjoined twin strawberry that looks like a set of nuts.

Since I’m feeling nice, here are more Ellie pics.

Life or death! Please help!

Monday, January 17th, 2005

Ok, my “other site” (See next entry) is MT. I need to get onto that site to uhhh….get some IP addresses. BUT? Since the domain was moved and the host moved, I do not know how to access the blog page anymore.

Any tips? What do I do to find it? Please? Help needed!

All that smog makes you nice.

Saturday, January 15th, 2005

HA! Take THAT Mormons! Houston is more polite than you are!

BFF forever and ever, amen.

Friday, January 14th, 2005

Hello internett. I’m drinking much too much. I loove you. Let’s make babies? okay! i love my baby. let’s be friends!

Thank you, but we’re now closed.

Wednesday, January 12th, 2005

Due to overwhelming popularity and underwhelming time, The Tsunami Bake Sale has now come to a close. Thank you to all that participated. If you have put in an order, you will get it.

Thank you for all your help and nice words.

The Hubs would like for me to note that he has to watch me make all this every night and he doesn’t get any of it. If I have to hear “Can’t I just cut….or how about one piece…” one more time….

Making the world a better place…one brownie at a time.

You can thank me later.

Monday, January 10th, 2005

Since I will be spending part of my day dragging my old grandpa all over town, I leave you with this:

Kitties!

Remember to turn the volume up really loud!

Overexposure.

Monday, January 10th, 2005

Let the media onslaught begin.

Brad and Jen: The Way They Were brought to you by USA Today.

Kind of makes you vomit in your mouth a little. Right?

A little more promotion…

Monday, January 10th, 2005

Hey! It’s a new week! Don’t you just hate having a case of the Mondays? Know what would make you feel better?

BROWNIES! COOKIES!

You’re missing out on what my husband calls “The best brownies ever!”

So good are my brownies, that they are hidden from him!

So apologize to your coworker for screwing up the TPS reports. Tell your honey you’re sorry for not taking out the trash. Appease your mother in law for not giving her any grandchildren!

Buy some baked goods from the Tsunami Bake Sale!

Orders are placed at Bake (AT) Shenuts DOT com

Britneyfied

Friday, January 7th, 2005

Remember BS? (Britney Spears?) Remember her sister? Well, she’s been Britney-fied.

Before:

After:

Splitsville!

Friday, January 7th, 2005

You saw it here first, people. Brad Pitt is back on the market.

Ellie’s New Friend

Friday, January 7th, 2005

As I stood on the second floor of a major department store chain, I felt nervous. I wished I had brushed my hair, put on makeup (yeah, right) or plucked my eyebrows.

I was having an internet meetup and my meetee didn’t even know!

That’s right! Ellie and I went and met a blogger today. It was like a blind date, bloggy style

We stopped at the mall and met “J” at Otter Green.

Let me tell you people, she’s cute. Super cute with rosy cheeks! And Ellie LOVED her name tag.

It was kind of surreal meeting someone you know from the internet in real life. Even more so when the person tells you where she works but doesn’t know you’re going to stop …

stupid server!

Friday, January 7th, 2005

Dear Internet:

I came online tonight and saw that I had bunches of emails! Bunches! I got excited. Then I realized it numbered to the hundreds. As in, before Christmas. It seems as if all my emails went to the place that socks go to in the laundry, but they somehow found their way out.

I’m not ignoring your email. I’m trying to get back to all of the nice people who write me.

Your friend,
The Sarcastic Journalist

BAKE SALE!

Thursday, January 6th, 2005

Did you steal your co-worker’s lunch and get caught? Boyfriend break up with you? Paid your last five child support payments late and now the police are knocking at your door? Are you just HUNGRY?

Why! That sounds like a reason to BUY BAKED GOODS!

The Tsunami Bake Sale is now underway. Please click on the above link to learn how to place an order. All the baked goods are made by yours truly and all of my portion of the proceeds will go to charity.

So…suck up to your boss. Tell your girlfriend she isn’t fat. Make friends with that next door neighbor by bribing with sweets. Perhaps, if you buy him enough brownies, he’ll turn down Mario Cart so you can …

Bake Sale Stuff

Thursday, January 6th, 2005

I swear people, I’m still doing my Internet Bake Sale for the Tsunami. I’ve been busy trying to price these suckers, and well, I keep forgetting to find the price of a certain item at the grocery store. Today? I forgot coconut and oatmeal.

I want to price things accordingly and do all of my bake sale properly. I even have my page ready to go up, I just have to get the damn pricing right.

But…here’s a list of what will be offered. I’m keeping it small as to get the hang of this.

chocolate chip cookies
oatmeal chocolate chip cookies
brownies
snickerdoodle cookies
pecan pie bars
cranberry-pecan rougalash
vanilla muffins
chocolate chip muffins
blueberry muffins

You know, besides helping out the Tsunami victims, you can help others by purchasing some …

Seriously. I went to college.

Wednesday, January 5th, 2005

You know you are really gullible (didya know it’s not in the dictionary? haha) when you have to make your husband promise that there is no such thing as airborne nose herpes.

another one bites the dust

Tuesday, January 4th, 2005

It turns out that another reporter has gotten fired for doing the exact same things I did. He was also a features reporter who posted anonymously.His blog is long gone (how unfun!) but I read a few of his entries posted elsewhere. Let’s just say the word “dick” was used.

HA!

Anyway. So then I go from link to link and I see a site that has all of us fired people listed. And I’m number eight! Of course, they would go and use my “street name” (Isn’t that so much more fun than “real name?") so you don’t get a link.

And, by the way, where the hell is my book deal? Some people got fired for posting pictures of themselves. …

BlogAid

Tuesday, January 4th, 2005

I’ve said more than once off the blog that I wish I could help out the tsunami victims. If you have read this blog for even a few days, you probably know that money isn’t growing on trees here in the Sarcastic Journalist/Two Blue Balls household.

And…someone has pointed out Blog Aid to me. I don’t have google ads. I don’t have Amazon ads.

BUT

I do know how to bake. And I plan on opening a baking business. And I plan on selling said goods on the internet.

So, hopefully, later on today, I plan on opening up temporary shop. I’ll price accordingly and whatever small proceeds I would have made will go directly to a reputable charity relief organization.

I just got home …

apologies, anyone?

Saturday, January 1st, 2005

If i left a drunken comment on your blog, i am sorry. your blog is very funny while i drink.

You get what you get.

Saturday, January 1st, 2005

I think my favorite part of this story is:

“The sleds struck rocks, a light pole and each other,” he said.

You don’t have to tell me…

Wednesday, December 29th, 2004

My baby is a cool baby. Read about it HERE.

BFF Forever!

Tuesday, December 28th, 2004

Attention internet: The battery cord on my laptop just broke. This is the only computer on which we have internet access. If you don’t see me for a few days, you know why.

So, please, talk amongst yourselves. And don’t forget me, okay?

Real job…my ass

Tuesday, December 28th, 2004

Oh no….poor poor me. Someone who is unable to leave a real name or email decides I need to get a real job to pay my bills.

What the fuck was I thinking, not getting a “real job?”

Hey, D, have you ever thought that if I go and get my “real job” that I would be spending ALL my money to pay for childcare?

Seeing that your IP address 80.200.12.175 is in the Netherlands, perhaps you aren’t privy to what American child care is. Around here, we’d pay over $800 a month for someone to watch MY CHILD FOR ME WHILE I GO AND SIT IN A SHITTY OFFICE, HATING MY JOB.

So? NO.

As for what I’m doing not being a “real …

Mmmmm….wrapping paper.

Saturday, December 25th, 2004

Merry Christmas!

May all your Christmas wishes come true.

Of course. Isn’t how it goes?

Saturday, December 25th, 2004

SNOW in Houston. And I missed it.

There is an info box on this story that shows just how rare it is to snow in Houston. This is the equivalent of Des Moines, Iowa getting a hurricane.

And I missed it.

Christmas Hell, Part One

Thursday, December 23rd, 2004

Did you hear that there was a major snow storm in the United States? Did the news forget to tell you THAT I GOT TO FEEL ITS RATH?

Oh yeah. Why would it be that the day we chose to drive from Houston to Dallas to Tulsa would be the day that all Hell would break loose on the roads of Texas?

Anyway…we made it. I forgot to tell you we were leaving, internet. But we made it. And what do we do when we get to Tulsa?

We go to Super Wal-Mart. Two days before Christmas. Why? Because we are idiots.

Luckily for me, I had my cameraphone with me.

NOTE: SOME OF THESE PICTURES ARE WAAAY TOO BIG. BUT. THIS IS NOT …

Fun times!

Wednesday, December 22nd, 2004

Today, Ellie made a new friend. Curly Girl came to visit!

What they don’t tell you in sex ed…

Wednesday, December 22nd, 2004

Birth? It’s bloody.

Thinking

Wednesday, December 22nd, 2004

Sometimes you need to evaluate a friendship when you let said friend taste your breastmilk flavored baby oatmeal.

It’s kind of like bang the drum slowly…except the drum is a chick.

Monday, December 20th, 2004

Dude, if I was in this picture…I’d have to use both knees, an arm and a small child to cover my boobies.

Just because I care….

Monday, December 20th, 2004

FYI: My email? Not working right now. I’m in the midst of a bunch of crap going wrong due to moving blog hosts. So….uh….if you want to contact me? I suggest smoke signals. Or comments on the blog.

!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, December 10th, 2004

COMMENTS WORK! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TYPE IN SARCASTIC RIGHT NOW BUT COMMENTS WORK! FINALLY!

Seen, Heard and Learned

Friday, December 10th, 2004

Seen: Condom outside Toys R Us. Uh…shouldn’t you have been using that BEFORE you got into that situation?

Heard: Outside a Quizno’s Subs. “Are you pregnant?”

Learned: No matter how good the intentions, you should NOT buy someone a 5 steps to financial security book for Christmas. I have a feeling that also goes for the Dr. Phil Weight Loss Solution book as well.

Yeah yeah, someone thinks I’m cool!

Friday, December 10th, 2004

Holy shit, Batman! Some people have nominated me for something. They say I’m snarky!

Me? Snarky? Rock on!

Only problem? With my cold and the comments fiasco going on, I don’t feel very snarky. BUT! They encourage profanity– so here are some great profane words: Douchebag, cunt, dick and dildo. Wait. They all have to do with genatalia.

Okie…how about bitch, asswipe and fuckhead?

I feel better now. I feel so special even to be nominated!

Lessons Learned.

Friday, December 10th, 2004

Yesterday, during Dr. Phil, my Mom called me as she always does and wanted to chat. Usually the chatting is about nothing and for the most of the conversation, it was.

But then, somehow, I start talking about Gay Rights and Gay Marriage. The silence on the other end of the phone was deafening. I could just see my Mom in her living room, Christmas cookies on the counter, presents on the floor, the daschounds nipping at her feet, trying not to shoot herself because her Crazy Daughter wants to discuss Gay Marriage.

And then? Then she tells me about a Christmas party where all the lesbians were there and how they were everywhere! And I could tell by the way she …

puh-lease?

Thursday, December 9th, 2004

everyone? i miss you. even those who don’t post. please! don’t leave. come back and the blog won’t suck and i’ll talk of boobies and poop. okie? the comments are coming back soon. we’re working on it.

uhh?

Thursday, December 9th, 2004

uhhh just kidding about the whole comments are working thing. why not just send me fanmail? sj (at) shenuts (dot) com.

Hurray!!!!

Thursday, December 9th, 2004

Everyone! Let’s thank Michael the husband of Sarah and daddy of the adorable Rowan for helping me.

I am just in awe of the awesomeness of strangers. And because of that, I will not be making fun of Canada today. Thank you Michael!

Comments now work. Comment away!

Parse error THIS.

Wednesday, December 8th, 2004

As I posted earlier, I’m trying to do a hack to stop all the spam. Unfortunatley, I’m an idiot when it comes to these things. Michael was helpful earlier but I still have one LOOMING question.

Try typing a comment. I have the dreaded “parse” error. I can’t figure out why. So….any geeks who can help me figure out why so everyone can have fun commenting again?

I’d like for my blog to get back to business as usual but unless I keep some form of spam protection up, I’ll get bombarded by 500+ spams a night.

So, if you would like to help me and Save The Human Race By Killing The Parse Error, please email me at SJ (AT) Shenuts …

must stop spam.

Wednesday, December 8th, 2004

Anyone have experience with this??

strikeout

Wednesday, December 8th, 2004

Watch out, Ellie. If you don’t stop pooping your diapers, Mommy and Daddy are going on strike.

But then, again, could I really not change her diapers?

More

Monday, December 6th, 2004

Nouvelly yours.

Cryptically yours

Monday, December 6th, 2004

You know what? If you are an editor or a literary agent….I’d contact SJ. Because, you know, SJ would consider herself “very interested” in speaking to one of the aforementioned persons.

Not that I wouldn’t want to say “Hi” to the person who works for that PR company…or for Diabetes.org….or the government, because I know all yall stop by. But an editor or agent?

Rock on.

eyes peeled!

Friday, December 3rd, 2004

dear austin readers: i will be among your midsts this weekend. keep an eye out.

Too late.

Friday, December 3rd, 2004

I need to learn to check my “other” email more often. I was contacted by a news organization for an interview about getting fired….and I missed her deadline by one day.

Bleh. It would have been fun, especially since a lot of other big name bloggers (I don’t consider myself “big name") were in the story as well.

Pooey.

Who wants to play with my cooter?

Thursday, December 2nd, 2004

My cooter really, really wants for me to have this t-shirt.

Might explain a bit…

Thursday, December 2nd, 2004

Okie dokie, since I had spamtacular yesterday, I had to install a plugin that has “common spam words” and then it says that you can’t post with that word.

I’m seeing all the posts come up in my notification emails but is anyone having troubles with this?

*NOTE: I just tested with the word “ass” and it went through on my email but I got some weird ass page that WASN’T my antispam warning page. I might be taking the antispam thing down for now, but it will be going right back up if the spambots come back.

Please let me know if you have any suggestions.

Just because….

Wednesday, December 1st, 2004

….since I’m busy deleting spam all day….

One more thing I’m thankful for is for nice emails from nice people who are too scared to comment. I appreciate it.

craptacular

Wednesday, December 1st, 2004

221 spam comments overnight. blah.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Make that total 400-500 while I was out today.

bloggy

Tuesday, November 30th, 2004

Blog is the #1 word of the year. I like to think I had something to do with it.

Spam goes good on sandwiches

Tuesday, November 30th, 2004

It seems as if the Spam Bots were busy spamming instead of eating turkey because, boy, did I have a lot of spam to “un-approve.” You see, WP catches the spam so it goes to a land where it must wait for me to swoop in and say “No, SPAM. You can not play on my blog.”

By the way, any comments with even one link in them go to that same land. So, comments that ask about where all the comments are are funny but not needed.

Anyway. I just don’t get spam. Seriously. Like, how is leaving a post in someone’s archives about a certain pharmaceutical product going to help v*i*a*g*r*a get more customers?? Do people get paid to do …

Drats! Foiled again!

Monday, November 29th, 2004

So a hotel is offering people named Mary and Joseph a free stay over Christmas.

How about people named Brian Mercat and Sarcastic Journalist?

She’d run for her life but she forgot how to run.

Sunday, November 28th, 2004

I hate making decisions and I’m not good with technical stuff. It was enough trouble for me to pick Blog Hosts for my hosting but since they’ve shut down, I’m having to move. I went through and looked at the suggestions on who I should go to for my new host, but I find myself going all catatonic while reading any of the sites.

I feel like I’m back in math class and I’m supposed to be taking notes. But there’s a pretty tree out the window and look at that guy and I’ve gotta pee….and, wait? Where am I? What am I doing?

Hosting. Must find host. I’m scared. There’s words like Gigs and words that I can’t even remember. How …

Time for change

Friday, November 26th, 2004

Nouvel updated.

Great responsibility and stuff

Tuesday, November 23rd, 2004

I just want everyone to know about an awesome idea I saw over at Shutterblog. It is called Any Soldier and it helps hook you up with some soldiers overseas so you can send them care packages. I have a care package sitting right next to me for a nice lady in Iraq. I highly suggest you consider sending these goodies to the soldiers to keep morale high! Just an idea, I have cookies, Twizzlers, body wash, gum, lotion and tampons in mine.

People need tampons, even in the desert.

Bless This Mess

Tuesday, November 23rd, 2004

If my site is looking a little ugly/confusing/not what it normally looks like, it is because I’m in the process of changing the layout/design.

I will be leaving for Tulsa at 4am tomorrow and I want to have my “holiday” background up before I’m gone.

If I were a betting woman…

Tuesday, November 23rd, 2004

I think the funny part of this story about kids drinking margaritas at school is that if they knew they were drinking alcohol…I bet they would have finished their drinks.

Public Service Announcement

Sunday, November 21st, 2004

I need to find a new blog host. Any ideas are welcome. Thank you.

spot the spot

Friday, November 19th, 2004

Today’s fun TV quote: (It is about men.)

“They can’t find their socks, do you expect them to find ‘the spot?’”

A Chile Divorce

Thursday, November 18th, 2004

Should I make BS have her own category? Anyway. She (or the Hilton sisters) can now move to Chile as Chileans are allowed to get divorced. Come on, you know it is only a matter of time.

Stereotypical beauty blahs

Thursday, November 18th, 2004

Shame, shame Heidi, Hillary and Tyra. Obviously they feel bigger is better.

A time to remember, lest we never forget.

Thursday, November 18th, 2004

Five years ago this morning, I woke up at 6:30am thanks to a phone call from my friend, Shannon. It turned out that the Texas A&M Bonfire had collapsed.

It was my first semester at A&M as I had transferred in and a big reason I had decided to attend that school over UT was that I went to Bonfire and found it amazing. There was so much school spirit, it was almost eerie. I felt a connection with the school and knew that was where I should be.

The day before Bonfire fell, we had drove past the site and made a joke about it falling or something like that. And then it fell. And killed twelve people, including …

She didn’t graduate high school, really?

Wednesday, November 17th, 2004

Goody! I’ve been meaning to search the BS (That is, Britney Spears) post-wedding poem she wrote for her website.

Here it is.

The highlites for those of you too lazy to click:

A honeymoon at last, to get away from it all
My assistant Fe gave me the call.

I remember it well, as she was smilin’
She said it was called Turtle Island.

and, my personal favorite…

A meal, a shower and some ice cream
Then I threw my man down, you know what I mean

Ideas

Wednesday, November 17th, 2004

Note to Husband: I have a Wishlist.

Here doggie…..

Wednesday, November 17th, 2004

Hey…I may have to pump, but at least I don’t breastfeed a dog.

Nasssty

Wednesday, November 17th, 2004

Now I know why The Hubs didn’t want me to get Ellie’s ears pierced.

The Virgin Sandwich

Tuesday, November 16th, 2004

I really don’t get the Catholic fascination with the Virgin Mary. Heck, I was Catholic until I was 12 and I don’t get it. (In case you’re wondering, I’m Baptist now. And I dance. And drink.)

But a Virgin Mary sandwich?

The weird thing is that she kept it on her bedside table. And she didn’t eat it. Man, if I go through all the motions of making a sandwich, I’m gonna eat it. I don’t care if Ghandi is on the sandwich or Winona Ryder or The Donald…I’m gonna eat that sucker.

Three way?

Tuesday, November 16th, 2004

Uh, you shouldn’t be doing that in front of the kids…what is that teaching them?

Me so talented.

Thursday, November 11th, 2004

Nouvel updated. Woo hoo!

You’ve been a bad girl!

Wednesday, November 10th, 2004

You know, discipline is an important topic to discuss. Especially if you’re in business. That’s why, when I open my own bakery one day, I plan on spanking my employees.

I should be going to sleep, but…

Wednesday, November 10th, 2004

Okay, this is too funny. (Stolen from ALMTTR.

She’s the virtual bartender! So the deal is…you can get her to do things. She’ll dance, she’ll flip her hair and they say she’ll eat a banana. And guess what happens if you tell her to kiss a girl?

YUP.

Things she won’t do so far include masturbate, pee and touch her boob.

Must. Keep. Playing.

Since I asked and you tried to play along but I’m boring…

Tuesday, November 9th, 2004

Antonia asks what type of art do I like? Well, since we are in the process of finding “art” for our bedroom as it needs to feel a little more homey and less stark, I am discovering I am drawn to artwork that has people or buildings in it.

Weird. And it can’t be too contemporary, either.

I’m so weird. And boring. Still boring. BUT! I’m having a Christmas party now! How fun!

Since I asked…

Tuesday, November 9th, 2004

Two questions! I’m so excited!

Okie, first Jamie asks why I blog and why not just keep a journal. Well, I’ve tried to keep a journal. Really. I have one hundred journals lying around where it ends up becoming me bitching and whining about things going on in life. My journals are incrediably boring and nothing I’d prefer to read. And I SUCK at keeping journals. But blogging? Well, it is a lot easier for me as I love to type on the computer and am a fast typer. Not to mention, it is a great way to stay connected with other people and get to see what’s going on in the world. I don’t have that feeling of being alone …

Begging

Monday, November 8th, 2004

Hi! I really need help. You see, my old site is still up. WHY? Because I’m an idiot and can’t get my archives to import and I don’t think it is fair to my old host to keep it up when this is up and running.

I tried and I tried and I just can’t get the archives up. Anyone willing to help?

Just because I’m having a brain fart…

Monday, November 8th, 2004

This photo needs a caption! What do you think would be one?
I’ll go first.

Whee! Dinner!

One of these things is not like the others….

Monday, November 8th, 2004

Like what you see?

Well, she was a he.

Fo yo information…

Sunday, November 7th, 2004

Hey, in case you didn’t notice, I have an about me page up. I’ve also updated it a little.

Hurry! Operators are standing by!

Friday, November 5th, 2004

You know, if you haven’t pissed your family off enough yet, I have an idea for you. Why don’t you get them plastic surgery vouchers?

Nothing says “Let’s celebrate the birth of Jesus!” more than lipo.

Double whammy

Thursday, November 4th, 2004

I just have to say this: Wednesday must have been a horrible day for John Edwards’ wife. I thought of how it felt to lose the election but then to find out you have cancer the same day….

MIA

Wednesday, November 3rd, 2004

I will be posting at random times until Friday morning as the stupid high speed cable internet guy couldn’t find my house and I had my cell phone off. That means that my internet connection will be up and running for sure on Friday morning. Until then I’m at the mercy of the apartment office computers.

Miss me, won’t ya?

Don’t get all political on me.

Tuesday, November 2nd, 2004

Just because I’m not voting doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. If my voter registration had gone through in NC like it should have (BECAUSE I DID REGISTER TO VOTE!) I would be voting there. But I’m not there and I forgot to register in Texas so that means I don’t have to vote which is good because I can’t really make up my mind.

So you should go vote for me. Here are my important views: Gay marriage=good. Stem cell research=good. Taxes=bad.

I’m just ready for all this to END!

Great! I forgot to get her a costume!

Saturday, October 30th, 2004

I’m still on vacation but my husband was looking at This this morning (stolen from Captain Rusty.)

My favorite? Nancy Reagan. We could probably borrow a casket from my Dad for free, too.

One hell of a dipstick…

Wednesday, October 27th, 2004

I was reading Mimi Smartypants and she was talking about the “Casual Encounters” section of Craigslist and how people post pictures of their penises. Or weiners, as I like to call them.

It’s true! People really do this! And just to show you, I found one for you. Let me just say this: I am very very very scared.

Also, that link wasn’t safe for work, around children, grandparents or people with a heart condition.

Halfies

Monday, October 25th, 2004

Other site somewhat updated.

FYI

Friday, October 22nd, 2004

Just wanted everyone to know I now have a hostee! My friend, Curly Girl is now an official memeber of the Shenuts clan.

PS: I’ve known her since ninth grade! She rocks.

Ewwww

Friday, October 22nd, 2004

Those Red Sox fans are um…very loyal to their team.

Seeing a whole new side of me.

Thursday, October 21st, 2004

Note to my husband: If you are going to make home movies of your baby and send them to your parents, perhaps, just perhaps, you should check the video to make sure that your wife’s nipple isn’t accidentally hanging out of her tank top.

He cleared it up for me

Thursday, October 21st, 2004

Thank you, Bill Cosby, for telling me that it is not okay for a 15-year-old to have a child.

Cause, you know, I was kinda confused on that issue. 15? Not okay. 16? Totally okay. I get it.

Sharp thoughts

Thursday, October 21st, 2004

And, like a typical man, he just puts the knives back in the drawer without washing them off.

Boo!

Thursday, October 21st, 2004

Here’s an idea….if Halloween might piss of real witches, instead of not celebrating it at school with candy, why don’t they just let the witches come in and cast spells on all of those who piss them off?

I mean, come on, you’re a WITCH. You can handle a couple of little kids dressed up as Spiderman.

Our early morning…

Thursday, October 21st, 2004

Update: We are back from the Upper GI test. Ellie did EXCELLENT. The nurse said she was the best kid she has seen this week and she saw a lot of kids this week. She didn’t cry too much while waiting (since she couldn’t eat she was STARVING) it was more whining. Then they gave her the barium milkshake and man, did she drink that shit up.

It was like “Umm! Barium! I LOVE Barium! And x-rays? I’m soooo totally into those!” In fact, she was laughing during the x-rays.

Who is this weird kid and how did she get so happy?

Anyway, she does have reflux but I’m going to have to wait to hear back from the doc to …

Newspaper worthy

Wednesday, October 20th, 2004

A few newspaper tidbits:

1. Dave Barry is taking a year off. The Sunday section of your newspaper just got a lot more boring.
2. I actually read this article and it made me miss writing features stories. Then I remembered who I worked for and I don’t miss it as much. (Oddly enough, the paper I linked to was our main competitor. Ha!)

In case you’re wondering….

Wednesday, October 20th, 2004

update as to why I’ve been somewhat silent:
1. Toilet=overflowing again.
2. Reaction to the medication Reglan= oh yeah. Big time.
3. Ellie= getting an Upper GI tomorrow to figure out why she’s screaming all the time
4. SJ= too tired, also spent the day yesterday at the Crazy Doc.

Will be back on track today, that is, after I fall back asleep (thanks, Ellie!) and wake up at a more normal time.

Not a brunette, not yet a blonde

Monday, October 18th, 2004

According to BS, she is

Ideas???

Monday, October 18th, 2004

Anyone know how to import MT entries over to Word Press? I still have my old site up and I need to bring things over here because I’m outstaying my welcome.

Unwanted advice:

Friday, October 15th, 2004

Quick multitasking tip:

If your husband accidentally breaks/spills his deodorant on the toilet seat, leave it. That way, every time you sit down to go potty, you get a little extra clean.

Her inner floozy comes out

Friday, October 15th, 2004

Just when you think you’ve heard it all: Sleepwalking sex.

The job that squeezes the life right out of you

Friday, October 15th, 2004

You know, your job could always be worse.

You could be an anal wart researcher or a tampon squeezer.

It is done.

Thursday, October 14th, 2004

My rein of terror has ended. Comments no longer have to be approved. Don’t’ make me regret this. :)

Ehhh…annul this.

Thursday, October 14th, 2004

That’s it, damnit. I’m running for President. Why? Because, besides outlawing montages on the radio, I think we should outlaw annulments.

Paris Hilton’s little sister seeks to annul 2-month marriage. Shock me, shock me, shock me with that deviant attitude.

Who are these people who go and get married on a whim? To a friend? What? Why? So you get married to this guy and two months later you want to get it annuled because you are “21, and it’s just not the right time in her life for her to be married. He lives in New York; she’s in L.A.”

TOO FREAKING BAD. You go and get married, you go and get divorced. You can’t get an annulment because you are a …

Whose child is this?

Thursday, October 14th, 2004

Just when you thought Anne Geddes couldn’t get any scarier, they bring in Celine Dion.

And what is up with the green baby hair?

Just so you know…

Thursday, October 14th, 2004

There are certain people who want to know why they can’t access my site. The funny thing about replying to their requests is that I am responding in my blog. Why is it funny?

BECAUSE I BLOCKED YOU.

I know there seems to be a whole “To block or not to block” question going on out there. I understand that blocking is not the end all/be all to blogging and access but I do understand that most of us use one or two main computers a day. If I block those then you will have to work extra hard to visit here.

Let me explain this to you. This is not a democracy. This is a dictatorship and I, SJ, am your …

My doofy baby.

Wednesday, October 13th, 2004

When I’m constipated, I tend to grab my belly and go “woaahhhh! I need to poo!” When my child may be constipated, she pulls her legs in the air, turns red and grunts.

So we look up baby constipation on the internet. It makes me wonder what type of people are allowed to be parents.

We do NOT recommend:
putting other things in the baby’s rectum, like soap or pencils

Nothing makes your baby want to crap like a pencil in ye old anus.

This reminds me of back in the early year of our marriage and the hubs and I were both having poo problems. So we bought me some “pink pills” which are laxatives. I took pink pills at night …

Calling Major Tom…

Wednesday, October 13th, 2004

Do you remember September 11? How about when that spaceship crashed last year? Do you remember turning on the radio during those time periods? If you did, and you listened to a crappy station that plays crappy music (as they all do) you probably remember the musical montages with news clips edited in.

In case you don’t live in Houston, we have a little team called The Astros and they are in some playoffs or something. Well, today, as I was driving down the backroads to go to the roads that leads to the road to the crazy doctor, I heard a montage.

For the Astros. It was Eminem’s “Lose Yourself” with clips from recent games edited in. And, at that very …

One bad egg can ruin the whole bunch.

Tuesday, October 12th, 2004

Until further notice, all comments have to be approved by ME. Don’t like it? Too fucking bad.

Well, that’s interesting.

Tuesday, October 12th, 2004

Can you tell me what’s wrong with this paragraph?

Booby Wooderson’s surname supposedly inspired the character of David Wooderson, Matthew McConaughey’s star-making role as a pothead who hung around long after graduation and had a hankering for high school chicks ("That’s what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age"). The real Wooderson now works in the technology field.

If you need a little help, it came from this article. They’re called copy editors, people. Use them.

They’re getting gangsta on my ass.

Sunday, October 10th, 2004

I’m watching Puff Diddily Poopy ’s “Vote or Die” on MTV.

It turns out that they are aiming this at the “Hip Hop Generation,” which I’m learning is 40 million strong. Yeah, well so are the Flinstone Kids.

Let me tell you how Hip Hop you are if you are watching MTV on a Sunday night at 9:30 pm. So Hip Hop! Bling bling, yall.

I decided to watch this horrible program because the Food Network was making me hungry. Some of the people they cite say the stupidest things. I’d go into how stupid I find what most of the Bling Bling People are saying but well, there’s just not enough time in the day.

Bling bling! P Diddly Fucking Woo!

I get what …

So dreaded they’re funny….

Friday, October 8th, 2004

Okay, I understand that, uh, some “mommies” really, really, really need outside conversation. I don’t as much as I can be a loner, but I understand. Really.

But the message board. Oh, I mean the “playgroup.” The “Online playgroup.” (Commence laughing now.)

These women must REALLY need to have outside conversation because they ask the STUPIDEST of questions.

“What is babies favorite music?”
Uh, well, she seems to enjoy when my phone rings the song to Kelis’ “Milkshake.” We also play Rufus Wainright music, and she really enjoys the song about cigarettes and chocolate milk.

“What does your baby wear to sleep?”
Well, she just outgrew her size 1 thong so right now she’s wearing crotchless panties and a bustier.

“He put his hands …

Shit shit shit

Tuesday, October 5th, 2004

So Dale Earnhardt Jr is in trouble for saying “shit” on live television.

SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. Hey Nascar, how you like them apples?

Let me just say this:

I hate NASCAR. The only reason I know about it is because my stepfather is WAAAYYY too into it. So I know by association.

But the dude was excited. Said “shit.” It’s not like he was mad and said “stupid mother fucking bitches!” Now then, hmmm, I might worry.

But he said shit and has been fined and lost points in the standing for doing so. NASCAR said something about cleaning up the image and not offending NASCAR viewers.

I know, I know. SHIT is a four-letter word. So is FUCK …

Full of maple goodness!

Tuesday, October 5th, 2004

You know how usually, if you sniff under your armpit and if you don’t have on deodorant, you might smell B.O. (body odor.) And that body odor most likely may faintly remind you of the smell of a stinky person in the Wal-Mart parking lot?

I mean, I know YOU aren’t that stinky, but you may get a whiff and think “Woah, somebody is ripe.” Well, when you sniff my armpits now, they smell like maple.

I think I’ll rub a pancake under them tonight.

Swollen egos

Monday, October 4th, 2004

I have an announcement to make, Internet. I am officially one size bigger than I was pre-pregnancy. One size! That’s it!

We went out this weekend and I bought some clothes! Why? Because those blue shorts I wear all the time (and have on right now) have to go.

We went to Anthropologie, which happens to be my FAVORITE store, probably because I can’t afford ANYTHING in there. The Sister held The Baby and I browsed through the sale rack because that’s all I can afford!

And know what I found in there? Know? I found the reason I initially walked into Anthropologie back in July. I found the sailboat skirt.

THE SAILBOAT SKIRT, PEOPLE! I may not have enough money to go on …

You can go with this or you can go with that…

Friday, October 1st, 2004

As you can see, this page is butt ugly. I’m kind of a blog snob because my old blog is/was very nice and pretty and I liked looking at it.

I hate looking at this page. And I’m not used to word press yet and as we all know, I DON’T DO WELL WITH CHANGE! Even technological change, because I’m as un techno as you can get.

So, what would YOU do? Import MT and my old stuff that looks purdy or try this word press that people seem to love????

She’s baaaaaack!

Friday, October 1st, 2004

Yeah, bitches!!! I’M HERE! Update all the linkies so I can continue to get my love and hate mail. :)

I haven’t exactly figured out how to do everything on here yet, so it may be awhile. Also, the name STILL IS The Sarcastic Journalist. The domain is Shenuts.com.

Thanks for stopping by!!!

My little political rant

Tuesday, February 24th, 2004

Our country is going to hell in a handbasket and politicans are the basketweavers.

This is starting to make me feel that there is no one to vote for in this election. Our President can not go and make a constitutional amendment against gay marriage. He just can’t. For those of you who haven’t taken US History since 11th grade, here are a few constitutional amendments:

Freedom of religion
powers of the states
no slavery
right to vote

Okay, let’s also just put in “taking civil liberties away” while we’re at it. I WILL NOT vote for John Kerry. I think he’s a complete moron. I don’t care if you think he’s the best thing since White Bread. If you do, go post it …

Ahh, if I were only 7 again…

Thursday, February 5th, 2004

Hey you mothafucka, you’re going straight to Hell for swearing to God. Now sit your biznitchy little ass down and shut the hell up.

The pity party is going full strength

Monday, January 12th, 2004

Please note, dear readers. Do not go to these people’s site and put something nasty in their guestbook. As much as I’d like you to, it’s not doing me any good professionally. Nobody has done so yet, but, well, I have to have my bases covered.

Okay. For starters, after I wrote that entry last night, I was sick all night with the very very violent vomits that even several medicines did not stop. I then woke up this morning and was dehydrated and, of course, started throwing up.

I had made mostly peace with that stupid email from yesterday. but it seems as if Alyssa has little friends emailing me now. This one didn’t even include my name in …

Wednesday, October 22nd, 2003

Hey, people. Don’t make promises you can’t keep. That includes you too, Smuckers.

“ORRVILLE – A California woman says she has a “sensitive palate” and claims all she tasted was an empty promise from the Smuckers Company.
Now she is suing.
She claims the Orrville, Ohio company’s “simply 100 percent” strawberry jam really contains less than 30 percent actual strawberries.
Smuckers had no immediate comment.”

Thursday, October 9th, 2003

Oh, meant to tell you. The interview with CRAZY DOG lady has been moved to today. Its in about 1.25 hours. Scary. Ahh. I Have NO QUESTIONS WRITTEN YET.

What the hell do i say?

“Whats it like to be a psycho neurotic crazy woman?”

Monday, September 8th, 2003

Ahh, just got done reading Jennifer Weiner’s 9/06 entry in her blog. Sounds like a nice little writer’s life she has going over there….

In my OWN little life, I’m sitting outside at my favorite coffee shop (next to the fountain, if you must know) typing away in my laptop, enjoying the 66 degree weather we have going on here. I’m wearing jeans and my favorite t-shirt and possibly, a jacket. My agent has called and they have just finished selling my book to a major movie studio for a couple million. I plan on celebrating with ice cream, and lots of it.

Oh, No. Wait. That’s not reality.

I’m actually sitting at my desk in a tiny ass little …

Uh, excuse me?

Monday, September 8th, 2003

When did people stop using babysitters and start bringing their children to work??? Why is it that people feel they must bring little itty bitty Timmy, Tommy, Lilly or Lollie to work so I can hear the screams of a toddler throughout the newsroom?

If you come to work with your kid and spend the entire morning just walking around while a 1-year-old toddles throughout going “Ahh! LSKDF!” and not getting any work done—-

Then why not just stay home with the tyke and spare me some brain cells??? If I wanted to be around young children all day, I’d work at a preschool.

Tuesday, September 2nd, 2003

Aafter working in this newsroom for over a year, I find myself coming up with names to describe the people that I work with.

Today, while on the way to our office manager’s office, I see this girl. She has what we in the know like to call the “native look.” I.E. She looks native to this state, which isn’t a compliment.

So I see this girl, who I only know from the bathroom and say to myself “Gee, ugly bathroom girl brought her baby to work.”

She has that blank stare on her face. Combine it with a stringy bad perm on hair that doesn’t get washed (didn’t before she had the baby, either) and …


My Flickr photos.